


What's Her Name in Hufflepuff

by ashez2ashes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Children, Dimension Travel, Drama, Epic Friendship, Female Friendship, Friendship, Gen, Hogwarts Era, Hufflepuff, Hufflepuff Common Room, Hufflepuff Pride, Humor, Magic, Makeup, Mystery, Self-Insert, Teenagers, Whimsy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 190,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22283053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashez2ashes/pseuds/ashez2ashes
Summary: There's still a lot to explore and experience in a world full of magic even if you never become a main character. In Hufflepuff house, you'll make friendships that will last a lifetime. Also, we have a table of infinite snacks. Gen/Friendship.
Comments: 266
Kudos: 762
Collections: A Collection of Beloved Inserts, Nothing But that Good Shit Here, Reincarnation and Self Insertion





	1. The Vault

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes that no one cares about: I'm aware that writing a first person self insert fanfic is about the most indulgent and horrible kind of fanfic you can write. I'm trying to challenge myself to make a self insert that isn't an unlikable Mary Sue. This story is mirrored on ffn.net. I'll be slowly catching up to what's on there.

Trade Days smelled like body odor and sadness.

Trade Days was a large communal yard sale. It happened two times a year and in theory it was supposed to be regular local people selling their shit to other regular local people. In practice, it was a bunch of career "yard salers" selling old bottles of shampoo and aspirin they bought in auctions. When I was a kid, it had been much more interesting and filled with people selling illegal exotic animals like some degenerate hillbilly bazaar. Irresponsible people could have gotten themselves a freakin tiger. Then the law decided to stop ignoring them (or the new sheriff didn't want a tiger) and that all disappeared.

Now, it was just crappy stuff no one wanted with the occasional local trying to sell their old coffee cups and ceramics. And my mother was determined to buy some of those coffee cups. She already had 45,000 coffee cups as far as I could tell, but she wanted more.

I had allowed myself to be dragged along. Partly because it was easier than arguing and also partly because I just needed to get out of the house. After I'd been laid off of my job and dumped in quick succession, I'd started to live a vampire life style. And not the cool vampire lifestyle where you wear shades indoors and leather pants, but more the kind where you're living with your parents and your hobby is crying and waking up covered in little snack cake wrappers.

"Isn't this adorable?" my mother shoved a Precious Moments figurine in my face. It was of a little girl hugging a cat. She and the cat looked like they were genetically part potato.

"That's nice mom…"

"Wouldn't it be cute in a little girls room? Eh?"

Lately, my mother had started to not so subtly nag me about not having any spawn of my own. I was never going to have children. I'm not dating anyone but even if I was I didn't want to have kids. Ever. I think at 30 I knew my own mind by now. That didn't deter her.

"So you're going through with that plan to adopt a pregnant teenager?"

My mother scowled and I felt zero guilt. It's not my fault she couldn't have any more kids. If she wants to play with a baby, she could be a foster mom or something. "No thanks. What do you think of this?"

It was Jesus dying on the cross for our sins.

As a lamp.

"For the house I don't have?"

"Hey, cheer up. It can't be that bad right?" She picked up a plastic plate with an American flag printed on it and turned it over. "It wasn't your fault you were laid off. You'll get another job. It's only been a few months. I don't care if you live with me forever."

"I care."

"It'll work out." Mom wandered away to another table of nick-knacks.

I shrugged and poked through a box of crap. I remember going here used to be fun. Was it always lame and I'm just now seeing it?

"Hey…" I felt my mother poke me in the side with a one-armed lawn gnome. She had now had an arm full of three coffee cups, a lawn gnome, a commemorative plate, a precious moments figurine, and what looked like a small picture of a native American riding a giant eagle holding an American flag. "You hungry?"

"I'm always hungry."

My mom squinted at me in the bright sun and then reached into her pocket and held out a ten dollar bill. "Get yourself a funnel cake on me."

I scowled. "I have my own money."

Not a lot of it mind you, but enough for a funnel cake.

"Don't worry about it. My treat." She reached over and shoved the ten dollar bill in my pocket.

"Hey!" I reached in my pocket to hand the bill back to her. I'm nearly 30. I can pay for my own snacks. I can't save up for my own place, or keep a long term relationship, or even notice the signs that I'm about to be dumped from a long term relationship, but I can buy my own goddamned funnel cake.

"Don't make a scene." My mother turned around and was looking at some Bible scripture coffee cup with one hand while carrying her bag of random crap with the other.

I stared at her back and felt the money practically burning in my hand. An elderly woman had begun to openly stare at me so I put the money back in my pocket and began to walk over to the funnel cake truck. I know my mother means well, but she can really make me feel so small sometimes.

Ten minutes later, I was covered in a fine sheen of powdered sugar and carrying half a funnel cake. My mother had wandered off... somewhere. The fairgrounds weren't that large. She'd find me eventually.

After wandering aimlessly through an area full of clothes, several towers of dusty diaper boxes, and another with random rusty tools, I'd found a semi-interesting area where a man was selling antique furniture. Maybe I should look for items for a house/apartment I don't have yet. It's like the power of positive thinking or whatever.

A lot of it was obvious junk. There was a hideous green camouflage couch. A pink lamp shaped like a giant tulip. A few wobbly tables. Some of it was quite nice though. There was an art deco table that, even if it was a knock-off, could look great if someone polished the legs and cleaned the glass top. There was an tarnished brash hand mirror with initials carved on the back. There were a few end tables that felt quite solid. He had a lot of old wooden trunks that weren't my style, but were nice in a rustic way. However, the most interesting piece by far was the full length swivel mirror.

The frame was solid bronze with intricate birds carved along the side. The birds looked a bit like peacocks, but... spikier? Phoenixes maybe? Every feather was intricately carved and spread out like the birds were ready to leap into flight. Filigree around the birds made them look like they were on fire. The frame was chipped in several places, but it was still beautiful. The only thing marring it was the black glass. It didn't look like someone had painted it or anything, it was just black. Maybe it was crazy dirty. Weird... It was still an amazing badass phoenix mirror that I'm sure I could never afford.

It can't hurt to ask though.

I walked up to the man sitting behind the fold out table. He was in his late forties, with a long grizzled beard streaked with gray. He smelled faintly of bourbon, but his button down shirt was nicer and better well-kept than many of the sellers here.

"Hi."

He looked up and seemed a bit startled to see me. Had he been sleeping with his eyes open or something?

"Um, I was just wondering how much the mirror was?" I pointed towards it. "I didn't see a price tag."

The mans gray eyes widened. "You can see it then?"

See it?

"Well I can't see into it, the glass needs cleaned."

That caused the man to break out into a weezy wet laugh.

"Has it already been sold?" It seemed like the sort of thing that would be snapped up quick.

"Sold? Ha! No it hasn't been sold." His laughter was dying down, but he was still looking at me with a strange wild-eyed fascination. "How much do you want to pay?"

That's a weird way to say it. "Well I only have $40 in my purse... I'm sure its more than that. Sorry, I was mostly curious?"

"Sold!"

I blinked. "Seriously?"

The man grinned and I noticed he had one gold tooth. "Yes. Here's a rag to wipe off the glass!" He tossed me a piece of cloth and then leaned forward eagerly.

I stared at him for several moments until I realized he was waiting for me to clean the mirror. I walked back to the mirror. On closer inspection, the black glass didn't look like dirt it just looked... black. And also there was this odd sound coming from the glass. Whispering voices? Must be a radio in the distance or something. I hesitated with my hand poised above the glass and turned.

"I don't think the rag will-"

The man was standing a foot from me grinning maliciously.

"What the hel-"

He then shoved me hard.

I fell back THROUGH the glass and plummeted into darkness.

* * *

I landed hard on something unforgiving and metal, knocking the breath out of me. It took several minutes for me to catch my breath and for my body to stop radiating pain. I tentatively tried to sit up and felt relief flood me that nothing felt broken. I'd be bruised up to all hell, but no permanent damage. Miraculously, my purse was at my side and my glasses were still on my face.

Wherever this was, it was pitch black. The air was cool and stale. I think I'm inside something? A shipping container? A cave?

I stood up and almost lost my balance as the ground shifted underneath me.

Light flared up all around me.

I was in a treasure vault.

A GIGANTIC treasure vault.

Torches embedded onto the rock walls lit up the room and made it glitter dazzlingly. It was the size of a high school gymnasium and filled with gold coins. There wasn't a section of the floor that was bare and several mounds rose far above my head. Fist-sized jewels were scattered about. I saw several honest to god pirate treasure trunks painted with faded skull and cross bones. In a far corner, I think I glimpsed what looked like a gold throne. There was a standing weapons rack precariously leaning against a wall with all manner of swords, shields, and various other medieval weapons.

Finally, standing a few feet from me was the mirror from the yard sale.

And most importantly... there wasn't a door.

Panic warred with the elation that I was finally (FINALLY!) going to have an adventure that I had always wanted since I was a small child. That spark of hope hadn't been fully crushed by reality, heartache, and even the mundanity of adulthood. It had stubbornly sat dormant in my heart and it was finally allowed to flare. I felt my eyes water.

Then the thought that I might die in a locked treasure room before my adventure had ever even started clashed with that small spark, so that I ended up so wracked with indecision that I just stared dumbly at the glittering room for what must have been about five minutes straight. I probably drooled a little.

Eventually, adventure finally won over my heart (adventure!) and I decided to take stock of the room.

I glanced over at the mirror… I should probably see if I was trapped here forever.

I reached down and picked up my bag and walked over to the mirror. Carefully, I poked it with my finger.

It was solid.

Okay, so I'm trapped here in this dimension, never to see my family again. Assuming I am in another dimension and not still in my regular old Earth. I feel like if you fall through a mirror you're not just in some underground gold vault. It's a dimension thing right? God, I have to remake my entire life. That is if I don't die from dehydration in about three days in a locked treasure vault... no... NO. None of that brain. Keeping thinking about adventure!

"Hello there! Hello?" I heard a voice call from somewhere behind the biggest pile of coins in the right corner.

"Hello?" I trotted over to where I heard the voice and found a life-sized painting.

A talking life-sized painting.

"Ah, there you are." The painted woman exclaimed. She was dressed in a navy blue Victorian dress with a high collar and silver embellishments. She was probably in her fifties and a bit thick in a shot putter kind of way. She was squinting at me and tapping a small stick to her temples. "I supposed I shall have a new skeleton to gaze upon now!"

I stared. The painting is talking. The painting is magical. It's a magical talking painting.

"You're not daft are you child? Hellooo? Hellooo? Centuries without anyone to talk to and it's a mute." She sniffed melodramatically.

"...hi?" I managed to squeak out. It's magic! REAL MAGIC! Well okay the mirror was probably magical too but this is even more amazing. Adventure ahoy!

"Pleasure to meet you soon to be dead child. My name is Alice Viatorium. I do hope you haunt the room. It's been centuries since I had anyone else to talk to. Charlie doesn't talk much these days." She dabbed her eyes with a lacy handkerchief even though I couldn't see any tears.

"Charlie?"

"You're nearly stepping on him." She gestured to my feet.

There was a human skeleton sticking out of the gold pile. It had bits of moth eaten cloth still clinging to its bones.

...adventure ahoy?

I carefully stepped around the skeleton.

Alice shifted impatiently. "Are you going to introduce yourself or not?"

Oh! Skeletons are distracting. "I'm sorry. My name is Kasey Thompson."

"I would shake your hand dear, but I don't really exist." Alice laughed. "Are you a muggleborn then? It would explain the rudeness and the strange clothing. Do muggleborn women dress like men now?"

Wait. Muggleborn. Muggle.

HOLY SHIT.

"I'm in the Harry Potter world…" I reached down and picked up one of the gold coins. One side featured a dragon and when I turned it over the other had a bearded wizard with the words 'Gringotts Bank' stamped upon it.

"Harry who?" Alice glanced at the skeleton. "Charlie, I think she might be a bit mad. Poor dear."

I half expected the skeleton to reply, but it thankfully did not.

"I'm in a Gringotts vault aren't I?" The coin was solid and surprisingly heavy.

"That would explain the piles of gold. Your powers of deductive reasoning are beyond the pale."

"Thanks... Do you know how I got in here?" Well other than via the mirror. God, just watching the painting move was so amazing! I want to poke it.

"Well let's see... If you take into account the phase of the moon and the magical properties of the number 23 and the alchemic process that is used to create the Gringotts coins... I would have to deduce…" She seemed to pause for dramatic effect.

I leaned forward.

"That I'm a painting leaning against a wall for the last century or so and you are a dull-whited lubberwort if you thought I would know!" Alice began laugh uproariously. "A strange little girl ghost in trousers... yes yes, it shall liven up the place!"

"I'm not a little girl!" Can paintings be near sighted? Or for that matter crazy?

"Feel all grown up do you? I bet you haven't even been to Hogwarts yet." Alice paused and seemed to be listening. "Good idea Charlie! Kasey dear, you should call for help."

"Would anyone hear me?"

"Oh I bet the goblins would…" That grin was definitely not kind.

"So I can be a ghost even faster eh? No thank you. I can see why whoever owns this vault wanted you locked away in here forever." I paused. "Who does own this vault?"

"Why should I tell you?" She sniffled.

"Alright, ignoring you now." There has to be a way out. You don't just get thrown into another dimension to die in some random vault.

Probably.

"Oh I shall have ever so much fun once you are a ghost!"

"I'm not becoming a ghost!" I turned around and starting walking away from the painting and the skeleton.

There has to be some way in and out of this place. The gold was shoved in here from somewhere. The owner had to have a way to access the gold. Maybe the door doesn't appear unless summoned by magic? Or doors never appear from the inside? I remember the goblins had keys in the books. Unless the goblins apparated here? Ugh, so many ways I can be screwed here.

I walked the perimeter of the vault holding my hand along the rough-hewn walls trying to find a hint of a door outline. It took me ten minutes to walk all the way back around to the painting. I hadn't felt anything resembling a door. It was possible that the door was hidden underneath the mounds of gold. I hadn't seen even a hint of floor on my trek around. There was no way of knowing how big the room actually was. I picked up a jeweled short sword and poked at the treasure chests as I passed. None of them sprouted teeth or legs.

It was my tenth go around that I really started to feel concerned.

There was no way I had missed the doorway. It just wasn't there. No hint of hinges. There was no shoot in the ceiling. It wasn't a vault so much as a goddamned treasure tomb.

In desperation, I went to get an axe from the weapon stand to open up one of the chests. I'd have preferred to try to pick it but there wasn't anything shaped like a lock pick. The ax was way heavier than I anticipated. I didn't strike the lock so much as drop the ax down and try to not cleave my toes off. I hacked at it until my arms went numb, rested, and then hacked at it again. Just at the point I was about to give up, the lock fell off and clunked against the coins.

I sat down and opened the box.

It was full of skeletons. Dozens of them. More than it should have been able to hold.

What. the. fuck.

I stomped back over to the painting. "Why the hell is there a truck full of skeletons in here?!"

Alice looked up. She was fanning herself with a lace fan I hadn't seen before. "Hello Miss Kasey. Still alive?"

"Why is there a trunk full of skeletons?!"

Alice raised an eyebrow. "What do you have against skeletons?"

"Oh forget it." I walked over to the throne and sat down. I was starting to get thirsty. I'll take just a short break and try opening a few more of the trunks.

Seven more trunks of skeletons later, I was starting to get VERY thirsty. And tired. And hungry. I'm sure the urge to pee is going to come soon too. My aching arms can't hold up the axe anymore. The other boxes were probably just full of skeletons anyways.

An idea occurred to me and I squatted down and started shoving galleons into my purse. Luckily, my purse was a gigantic 'old lady sneak snacks into the movie theater' kind of purse. After the purse was filled, I also filled all of my pants pockets. Then I took off my jacket, laid it on the ground, piled gold upon it, and tied it up in a makeshift hobo sack. Adventure was going to cost money I'm sure. I don't think it counts as stealing if you're taking from some super evil skeleton collecting witch or wizard who is (hopefully) long dead.

I WASN'T going to die. Someone who is about to die doesn't prep. I could be randomly zapped out of here or even back home. Who knows?

I just have to search some more. It has to be here somewhere.

Hours later, I was pretty sure the door wasn't anywhere.

I lay on top of the gold pile staring at the black void that was my own inevitable mortality like all brave adventurers facing their first crisis (i.e., I was freaking out).

I'm exhausted. A break might clear my head.

I fell asleep without even realizing it. And woke up to what felt like a ... breeze? That was definitely a breeze on my hand. I crawled on my hands and knees and peered down. There was a slight breeze coming from the edge of the wall. The coins had settled so that there was a small hole that reached down a dozen feet. There must be a way out somewhere down below! There must be some way to dig-

My foot started to sink.

I tried to pull it away just as the other foot began to sink. Instinctively, I tried to yank my foot.

I heard a woosh and a clatter as my entire body slipped through the hole.

I panicked, desperately thrashing about as the gold pile rushed to fill the hole, tightening around my body, squeezing my ribs. Pain wracked my entire body as if a giant held me in his hand and was squeezing tighter... and tighter...

I couldn't breathe.

I don't want to die!

The weight had settled so that I couldn't even struggle anymore. My lungs were burning.

I don't want to die!

I felt like my ribs were about to crack. My vision grayed.

I saw my mother pushing me on a swing. My dad sitting with me on the couch eating saltines with peanut butter. I saw my childhood dog Fuzzy catching snowballs in the snow. I saw myself too afraid to climb my neighbors swing set. I saw my elementary school best friend jumping off her roof into her pool. God she'd been crazy and brave. I saw the junior high bully taunting me to hit him. I buried my dog. I was marching in high school band in the heat. I was skipping school with my best friends. I was graduating college.

I was filing papers at my first job staring at the off white walls. I was filing papers again at my second job, staring at the off white walls. I was at my third job, filling out paper work and staring at the off white walls.

I was sitting on my ex's couch as he broke my heart.

God, I've wasted my life.

I don't want to die here!

I WON'T DIE HERE!

Something shifted inside of me. Like a cork popping out of a bottle or a shaken soda exploding and expanding outward. My veins felt they were filled with electricity and then I was falling and hitting a rock floor hard. I gasped as the breath was knocked out of me. A wind whipped my hair about and then suddenly died down as if it never existed.

I blinked dazedly. Spots were floating in my vision and my head was pounding like crazy. My back ached. It took me several minutes to catch my breath and feel like I could sit up and look around. Nothing felt like it was broken.

The gold was evenly separated into two piles down the middle. Somehow, beside me was my purse and jacket. The painting and mirror appeared to be buried.

Most importantly there was now a four foot hole in the side of the stone wall exposing a tunnel.

Adventure ahoy.


	2. Acting Casual in Diagon Alley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I'm going to use the wand and house I got on Pottermore. That seemed the fairest way to choose a wand and House. Also, from here on out 1 galleon = 100 U.S. Dollars or about 75 British pounds.

The tunnel was narrow but wide enough that I could crouch and drag my purse and hobo bag beside me. Gringotts is supposed to be miles underneath London and it's really starting to feel like it. My back is killing me. This tunnel had to have been made for a goblin or an elf.

I was shuffling as quickly as I could just in case I met a goblin on the way, but so far the tunnel hasn't branched off. It was also pretty roughly shewn in general. I bet it's not official. Who knows if the creator of the tunnel was stealing from the vault or stashing it the gold there to begin with?

I'm definitely stealing though. It's probably best if I avoid goblins if I can help it.

Images of horrible goblin torture flashed through my mind and I tried to pick up my pace.

And what the hell had happened in the vault? One minute my dumbass was being buried alive and the next there were two separate piles of gold as if by magic. Could it have been me? I'm afraid to hope. If it's not true, I'm not sure I could handle having the possibility of magic dangled in front of me only for it to be snatched away again. Maybe the vault itself had some 'anti-dumbass' charms? Maybe Gringotts itself has some squib protection charms?

I'd been walking for about an hour in between bouts of rest (and laying down on the tunnel to stretch my back) when I finally saw the end of the tunnel and a circle of light from above. After a lot of clumsy maneuvering, I managed to get myself and my bags pulled up out of the hole.

After I pulled myself out of the circular hole, I realized I was in an honest to god wooden outhouse. It looked just like Grandma Thompson's when I was little; white washed walls and all.

I opened the rickety door and stepped out and immediately gagged. It smelled like a thousand pounds of rotten poo outside the outhouse. Ugh. The stench lingers in your mouth!

There was a wooden sign nailed to the front that read "Out of Order: Too Full".

Well, that's one way to hide your secret entrance.

I looked around. I was in the outskirts of a slummy neighborhood. The edge of a brick wall was behind the outhouse and for about a block in the distance was some rundown buildings. Am I in Knockturn Alley? Harry never explored it much. The buildings look abandoned. Luckily, it was early morning. The sun was just rising and I didn't see anyone around.

One thing is certain, I need to get my ass out of Knockturn Alley before I get wizard shivved and robbed.

I walked quickly, trying to keep to the shadows and look casual. No muggles with sacks of gold here. Nosirreee...

Knockturn Alley was quite bigger than I had thought. I'd also come to a few crossroads that turned into a Vertical Alley and a Horizontal Alley. Vertical Alley looked like office buildings.

By the time I saw the sign for Diagon Alley, my mouth was as dry as sand paper and my bladder was telling me how much it hated me. The Leaky Cauldron had to be around here somewhere. Surely they have a public bathroom err I mean loo.

Gotta try to use the British vocabulary so I don't stand out too much. My accent will be glaring enough. Hopefully, random words picked up from Doctor Who and reruns of Keeping up Appearances will see me through.

I was starting to see a few early risers walking the streets. The witches and wizards buzzing about their early morning errands didn't pay me much mind. I kept my head forward and walked with confidence like I knew where I was going. I managed not to shirk away, stare, or scream in terror when a goblin walked by me. I thought for a mad moment he might be able to literally smell the stolen gold I was carting around, but he passed by me without even glancing up.

As soon as I'm done in the Leaky Cauldron, I have to get an extendable bag to put all of this gold in so I'm less conspicuous. I shouldn't have done the hobo bag thing.

When I saw the entrance to the Leaky Cauldron, I nearly wept. As casually as I could, I stepped inside. A bell on the door tinkled as I walked in. The bartender/inn keeper was an ancient old man bent over polishing a glass. He and the counter seemed really tall. I walked up to him.

"Hello sir. May I use your loo?"

"Sure. Second door to the right." He pointed down the hallway.

"Thanks. I promise I'll buy a pumpkin juice when I come back. Too early for a drink ya know?" I laughed nervously.

He gave me an odd look. Damn my nervous rambling.

I turned around and kept walking to the bathroom before he changed his mind. The bathroom looked normal thank god. There was no three wizarding three sea shells to figure out. After relieving myself (I will never take bathrooms for granted ever again), I went to wash my hands... and paused.

There was a young girl staring back at me in the mirror.

Specifically ME as a young girl.

I was somewhere between 10 and twelve. I had the same hairstyle and clothes I had as an adult. I didn't have the awful floofy bangs I'd had when I was originally a kid. But I was definitely. For Sure. A. godammned. kid.

My brain shut down and all I could do was just... stare.

I don't know how long I stared frozen at the mirror. Seconds? Minutes?

The mirror winked.

I jumped back.

"Kid you look bad, but not THAT bad. Run a Sleekeazy soap brush through your hair and you'll look a lot better. There's one in the cabinet behind you." My mirror self rolled her eyes.

I numbly opened up the cabinet, picked up a white comb I found there, and ran it through my hair. My hair looked like I had just washed it after I was done. I shakily put the comb back down and sat down on the toilet seat.

This wasn't a dream. It wasn't a quick adventure. I couldn't go back because I wasn't me anymore. I could have died back at the Trade Days and the mirror shoved my soul here. Or my body back home could be in a coma. Or I was literally de-aged. Whatever had happened, this was a complete rebirth of myself.

No turning back.

I was a what? 10? 11? Year old kid with no parents, homeless, and only a sack of stolen money between me and starving to death.

I had the sudden urge to crumble to the bathroom floor and cry.

"Hey cheer up. It can't be that bad right?" My mirror self was patting the glass from the inside in an awkward comforting gesture.

I have to get it together. I'm in a world with MAGIC! Adventure like I always wanted! No more cubicles. No more student loans (find me now Salle Mae!). I'm as far as I could possibly get from my ex. I don't know for sure if I can never go home. A world with magic was full of possibilities.

Remember self how you used to scoff when a movie character wanted to leave an awesome fantasy world to go back home? Don't be a Dorothy pining for her dirt farm. Don't be that superhero who just wants 'a normal life' instead of awesome super powers.

Also, probably don't refer to yourself in third person. That's a little crazy.

I shook myself. One thing at a time. I just have to focus on the immediate things I needed to do. Try pumpkin juice. Then get a bag with an extendable charm to hold the money. Maybe two bags. Wander around looking at all the cool shit. Then... icecream?

After a few more moments, I felt like I had gotten my shit together and walked out of the bathroom. The bartender looked up as I placed a galleon on his counter.

"One pumpkin juice please."

The bartender raised an eyebrow and handed me the change and a bright orange bottle. The bottle's cap was shaped like a little pumpkin.

"Where's your parents kid?"

"Oh mom had to do a bit of shopping." I used the bottle opener on the side of the counter to open up the bottle. "We're going to meet up later."

I guess this is the first step into my new future as a pathological liar.

"Stay out of trouble then." The bartender was waving his wand at some dishes. I could see spots disappearing.

I took a swig of pumpkin juice.

Hmm... It's... kind of like every liquid pumpkin pie spice thing I've ever had before. So it's vile and shouldn't exist. I took a few more swigs and downed the whole bottle. Pie shouldn't come in liquid form. But at least I'm not thirsty anymore.

I left the pub and went down the opposite direction I had come. There has to be some kind of extendable bag store. A ladies handbag store maybe?

I walked in front of an apothecary and stopped to look in the window. Jars of small eyeballs that still blinked and followed your movements were on display alongside various jars of bugs and brightly colored goop. One of the jars was neon yellow and glowing. Another looked like pickled bird feet.

The next shop was Quality Quidditch Supplies. A nimbus 2001 was on display. The broom had bronze feet grips and touted 'The Best Cushioning Charms in the World!'. Quidditch makes your private parts sore I guess. I always thought Quidditch was one of the more boring parts of the books. Maybe it's because I'm rather afraid of heights. Hurtling yourself around far above the ground with nothing between you and falling to your death but a tiny stick is not my idea of fun. I'd be up for watching a few games, though.

The next shop was actually the headquarters of the Daily Prophet. There was a newspaper dispenser in the front. I could see several witches and wizards typing away at decrepit looking type writers through the glass window. Memo paper airplanes floated around the room.

I glanced down at the headlines. The Holly Head Harpies had just won the semi-finals. Good for them I guess. There was a sale on self scrubbing dish sponges. Some band called 'Charmed 4U' was playing a concert in London next week. A woman was in trouble at the Ministry for trying to illegally cross-breed pegasuses and unicorns. Well, that woman was just doing God's work as far as I'm concerned.

And then I noticed the date.

July 1st 1991.

Well... huh. I don't know why I assumed it was still the same date as when I left. After crossing dimensions and being de-aged twenty years, why not add a little time travel to the mix?

Why did it have to be the Wizarding World in the 90s? It couldn't have been the nice Minster for Magic Hermione era with peace and no death eaters and increasing rights for magical peoples? No, it had to be scary death eater pre-internet times. And here I am holding the knowledge to save countless lives.

I stepped away from the newspaper dispenser and walked away feeling shaky and uncertain.

A bag. I needed to get a bag.

I passed the pet shop, Madam Maulkins, and a cafe before I came to somewhere promising: 'Bodica's Brilliant Boutique: Handbags, Hair Accessories, and More'. The outside awning was pink and white striped and the front door was painted pearly white. It reminded me a bit of a Victoria's Secret. Well, there's no reason my extendable money bag couldn't be fabulous.

I walked in.

The bell over the door didn't jingle so much as play a snippet of actual flute music.

The shop smelled like lavender and was much bigger then it appeared from the outside. At least a 100 different bags lined the right corner. The rest of the store was taken up by brightly colored scarves and various jeweled hair accessories. I walked over and perused the shelves.

All of the bags looked handmade. There was a bag that was bright red and warm to the touch. A furry one where the clasp looked like teeth chattered ominously as I put my hand near it. Another one was green and covered in iridescent scales.

"Hello Miss." A woman in her early twenties walked in carrying a box. Her brown hair was piled on top of her hair in a messy bun. "Can I help you?" She glanced curiously at my jacket/hobo bag but seemed too British to ask me what the hell it was.

"Yes, I'm looking for a new purse and at least one coin purse. Do you have anything with extendable charms?"

The woman frowned. "Extendable charmed items can be very expensive. Are you sure you wouldn't be interested in something from our Little Witch collection?" The woman pointed to a row of sparkly pink purses. One had a pulsating rainbow and another was covered with multicolored butterflies that opened and closed their wings.

"Um, no. I've been saving up all year. My mom said if I didn't have enough I could run back to her and she would help me with the rest." That rainbow one did look fabulous though.

"Oh jolly good then." The woman smiled. "We have several bags in various extendable sizes. They're rated based upon the dimensions inside."

"What's your biggest?" I want to make sure I have plenty of room for all this money. I'm just a walking robbery waiting to happen at this point. Oh, that gives me a thought. "Do you also have any with some anti-theft spells on them?"

Again the woman hesitated. "Dear I don't know if you can..." She trailed off but I could guess the implied word 'afford'. She pointed to a row of bags at the top. "This is our Esteemed Collection. It boasts the maximum Ministry approved Extendable charms, several charms that will allow me to key the bag to open only for you, and you get a free hair accessory with each purchase."

I looked them over. There was a pink and white striped one with a white fluffy kitten embroidered on the front that I felt like Umbridge probably owned or would own. Another green scaled one that reminded me of the movie version of Rita Skeeter. There were also some more normal looking black and brown leather bags. There's a brown leather bag that had some silver embroidery that looks pretty acceptable.

"How much is that one?"

"3 galleons."

Oh I had that in my pocket.

"Now if you want something economical-"

"I'll take it." I reached into my pocket and handed the woman 3 galleons. "I'll also take three of those matching leather coin purses. They're also extendable correct?"

The woman blinked. "Yes, that will be two more galleons are you-"

I plunked two more galleons into her hand.

Yeah I'm as conspicuous as fuck. I don't think I'm going to be able to come back here ever again.

"Oh! Well you also get three hair accessories?" She was still staring at the money in surprise.

I shrugged and picked out three hair pins and sat them on the counter.

"Thank you Miss." She put the bag and coin purses into a shopping bag and wrapped the accessories with pink tissue paper. "What do your parents do exactly? Did you just move here?"

Yes, what do my new fake parents do? My real parents were a waitress and a golf course landscaper. No one would believe they had to move across the world for their jobs.

"They program computers." I blurted out. Muggle computer programmers could be wealthy and have a reason to move. Also, wizards don't know anything about computers and in 1991 neither did most muggles.

"Computers?"

"They're muggles."

"Oohhh." She smiled and handed me the bag now uninterested. It was like someone had flipped a switch on her curiosity. "Lets get these keyed to you and you can be on your way Miss."

Yep, computer programmer was a good choice.

The sales woman waved her wand and then instructed me to put my palm on the main bag. I felt a tingle in my arm. We repeated the same motions for the coin purses too.

"We're done! When you need an item simply think about it when you put your hand inside and it will always be on top. The bag and coin purses will now only open for you. They cannot be set on fire, frozen solid, or cut with any conventional tools or spells. Don't let any of your little friends open it or they'll get a nasty surprise! Please, do not put any perishable items including family pets in the bag. Boudica's is not responsible for any pets harmed or killed if this warning is not heeded." She took a breath. "Have a nice day! Come again."

I wonder what happens when you put food in it?

I left the boutique and made my way back to the cafe I'd passed on the way there. I didn't even have to ask to use the restrooms here. The public bathrooms were very obviously marked. After getting into the stall, I slowly and carefully put the coins from my rolled up jacket in one coin purse. They easily fit. I then started to put all the coins I had in my purse into the same bag. It was also easily emptied. I guess buying three was overkill. I put my old purse into the new bag and emptied out my pockets except for sickels and knuts. If I kept paying for everything in galleons, people were going to seriously start to notice me.

It was still fairly early. I want to look at everything all at once. I wish I had more eyeballs. But I better eat something first. I can't wait to roam around, pet a kneazle, go to the bookstore (Hogwarts a History!), buy some wizard sweets, and just generally poke and prod every cool random bobble I can find.

Ok so not poke EVERY bobble. I will look before I poke. Peer cautiously even.

The cafe was a bit limited in its selection. They had normal muggle ham and tuna sandwiches and such. There was no hippogryph or thestral meat. Not that I was wanting to start my wizarding journey by consuming majestic magical animals. But I wouldn't say no to eating non-sentient magical animals either. I wonder if the thestral meat would still be invisible?

Ah well. The ham sandwich was good.

Now, icecream!

Florean Forestcue's Ice cream Parlor looked newer than the ancient buildings around it. It was painted in bright green and white stripes. There was a giant vanilla icecream cone rotating in mid air above the front entrance. I could see comfy booths and chairs and a white and black checkered floor through the large bay windows.

I walked in and the place smelled like hot fudge, melted marshmallows, and peanut butter. It was empty at the moment. An ice cream cone shaped clock read that it was half past ten. A little early for ice cream for most people I suppose.

The menu was intriguing to say the least: Strawberry Peanut Butter, Earl-Grey and Lavender, Clotted Cream, Blood Pudding (for vampires?), Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry, Marmalade, Elderberry, Bangers and Mash (What the fuck? Isn't that sausage?), Dirigible Plum, Green Tea, Chocolate Chip, Banana, Blueberry, Mint, Butterbeer, Oyster Icecream (oh god what?), Pistachio, Cherry, and a 'flavor of the day'.

A door behind the counter opened and an older man in an apron walked out. He had wild white hair and a fantastic corkscrew curly mustache. Hipsters of the future would weep with joy at the sight of it.

"Welcome! Sorry, I was still setting up. What would you like?"

Well not oyster because I'm not a demonic creature of darkness. "How about a scoop of strawberry and peanut butter?"

Mr. Fortescue handed me a generous scoop of ice cream in a green and white striped bowl. I handed him the money (in small bills this time) and sat down to eat at the counter.

The ice cream was like heaven in a bowl. It was sweet but not too sweet, creamy, and it seemed to maintain a perfect temperature. I was taking my time to savor it and it wasn't starting to melt at all.

I ate the rest of my ice cream while people watching out of the window. There were a lot of wizard robes but also a decent amount of Victorian dresses and a spattering of muggle clothing. Occasionally, someone would pop in and out of existence. Apparating didn't look it did in the movies with the black inky trail. You blinked, there was a pop sound, and someone was there that wasn't before. I wonder how they avoided being in the exact same place as someone else? Hopefully, the spell nudged someone aside instead of people getting horribly smooshed together.

I heard a rustling of feathers and looked to my left. A white post owl came in from the open window and was hopping down the counter. He had a little leather pouch tied to his leg and a letter in his talons.

"Hello there. Just a little bit of mail today?" He held out a knut but the owl hopped away from him and flew across the counter to land in front of me. The owl dropped a letter in front of me and held out its leg. I hastily grabbed a coin from my pocket (I have no idea which one), placed it in its pouch, and it flew away.

The letter was addressed:

Kasey Thompson

Diagon Alley

London, England

With shaking hands I opened it and read...

_Dear, Miss Thompson,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Witchery_ —

This time, I really did cry.

Florean Fortescue walked over. "Miss, are you okay?"

"I didn't think I would… I didn't want to hope…" I choked up again.

Florean Fortescue smiled kindly. "I was worried I was a squib too until I got my letter. Some kids just don't show that much magic when they're younger. Congratulations."

I could go to Hogwarts.

I could learn magic.

I HAD MAGIC.

I just... can't believe it. Magic. REAL MAGIC!

It took a bit longer than I care to admit to get myself together. I'm not a pretty crier. There was gross snot and blowing my nose involved. I eventually managed to get it together though.

"Sorry, I got a little overwhelmed there for a moment." I batted my eyes with my paper napkin.

Mr. Fortescue smiled again and went back to work.

I stared at the letter half expecting it to dissolve in my hands. Or this would be the time I would finally wake up after the most elaborate dream of my entire life. How did I get so lucky? I actually have a place to stay too now. No more homeless future for me (except during the summer?). I must have just made the cut off date to have my name written in the Hogwarts entrance book. Hell, my name was probably written in there the night before McGonagall sent out the letters.

Considering the address is listed as Diagon Alley, McGonagall must have thought I was a half-blood or something and didn't bother to do a parent meet and greet. So I don't have to explain away my non-existent parents.

I need to go buy school supplies. And books! I can't wait to read the school books. I'm going to read them all cover to cover before I go to school. I've got plenty of time to read them all. Oh, I should get extra books too!

Shit. It's only July 1st. What am I going to do until September 1st when school starts?

I've got the money to rent a room, but no one's going to rent a room to an eleven year old. Just trying to sounds like a good way to get noticed by the aurors or wizard child protection services. Are there wizard child protection services? I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't. Well regardless, I can't rent a room in the muggle or wizard world.

I'm going to have to hide out in the skeleton vault...

I'll have to get some supplies. I'll get all of my school supplies and buy a wizard tent. I got the impression from Goblet of Fire that they were like little houses with indoor plumbing. If not, I'm going to have to find another source of water and several buckets.

Please, please, PLEASE let them have indoor plumbing.

For food, I suppose I'll have to go buy a bunch of muggle canned food? I know Gamp's law says wizards can't conjure or transfigure food so there won't be any handy magic food creating devices. There's plenty of canned foods I won't have to cook. I think I can buy a shopping cart full of canned foods without someone calling the muggle police on me.

I will however, have to get some wizard money exchanged for British muggle money. Which means I'll have to be near some goblins. It might not even be stealing from a vault if its owner is dead right? It's just finding at that point. And it might not be an official vault anyways. So it'll be fine.

Probably.

Well I was going to need more muggle clothing anyways. I can't wear the same underwear every day. Well I suppose I can, but I really don't want to. Possibly being tortured to death by goblins or wearing the same pair of underwear every day? My life has gotten really strange.

I stood up and waved goodbye to Mr. Fortescue as I left.

He's such a nice guy. I hope I can keep him from needlessly being murdered.

No pressure.

The first place to go is obviously Olivander's.

Okay so maybe not obviously. The logical thing would be to first obtain food and water, but gosh darn it. Wands are awesome and I want one!

The alley was much busier now. Witches and wizards of all ages were bustling about carrying packages. Some of the packages were floating beside their owners. A few well dressed witches and wizards had what must have been a house elf next to them laden down with packages. I saw a goblin looking down at a pocket watch and muttering to himself. One woman had a toddler riding on top of several floating hat boxes. It looked rather dangerous. Maybe wizard babies bounce?

After a few moments, I came across a shabby narrow looking shop. In peeling gold letters the sign read: Olivander's Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C. In the display, there was a solitary wand lying on a faded purple cushion. The window looked very dusty. In fact, the whole place looked quite run down. It was so easy for wizards to clean, Olivander must really be focused on his work. Or maybe he's just naturally a slob?

I walked in.

The shop was actually rather tiny. There was a wooden counter and a single spindly chair in the corner. Thousands of narrow wooden boxes lined the walls and were piled up all the way to the ceiling. Everything was very dusty. I didn't see anyone about. There was a dingy red curtain blocking the view of what must have been a back room. I walked up to the counter. There was a tarnished silver bell lying on the counter.

I shrugged, picked it up, and rang it.

I heard a crash from the back and some muttered cursing.

After a few moments, a haggard and wild-eyed Mr. Olivander stumbled into the front. He had bits of red feathers sticking out from his hair and his face was covered in scratches.

I stepped cautiously back from the counter as he loomed over me. He looked rather unhinged.

"Have you ever tried to give a phoenix a bath?!"

"Uh n-no?"

"So you have no idea the sheer difficulty, the insurmountable perseverance it takes to get a prima-donna peacock of a phoenix to get into a bath of warm water?! No idea that it doesn't matter that you've had to do this once a week since you were a boy, you're still no better at it? That after centuries of your family making the filth covered creature take a bath that it still wants to drag you down into the bowls of hell every time a drop of water dares touch its dust crusted feathers?"

"...no?"

"Oh it couldn't have been a phoenix like Dumbledore's. Now THERE is a phoenix! Majestic! Tranquil! Trills music like a heavenly choir! Does THAT bird give any feathers for wands? No only two! TWO! I'm stuck with the beast with the body of phoenix and the soul of a pig!"

"...sorry?"

"And THEN just as I got the beast into the water some child DARES to ring my bell! I thought I was safe because letters only went out this morning but NOOOO... How long have you had your letter? How long?!"

"... ten minutes?"

"TEN. MINUTES." Olivander looked like he was about to have a stroke.

"I can come back later?"

"SIT!" He pointed to the chair in the corner.

"Or I'm going to go over and sit on that little stool over there and be quiet and not move until you're done." I scrambled over and plopped down.

There was a loud crash from the back.

Olivander spared me one more wild eyed look and ran off behind the curtain.

I could hear a man's war cry from the back and what I could only describe as the sounds of an angry duck crossed with a piano falling down a flight of stairs.

I almost got up and walked off several times, but I kept thinking that he would be done soon. The angry cursing and occasional musical squawking would reach a crescendo and then taper off only to rise slowly again. It was like a symphony of pain.

I think I must have waited for about an hour. Finally, Olivander emerged from the back covered in scabbed over cuts that looked faintly greasy. He must have treated them. I guess his phoenix didn't regret its actions enough to cry over them.

I jumped to my feet.

"You really waited?" Olivander shrugged. He seemed exhausted. "Wands are eight galleons."

I handed him the money.

"Let's see you then." He threw a tape measure into the air and it started zipping about me. "You're a first year then?"

"Yes, I got my Hogwarts letter this morning." The tape measure slapped my arm and I raised it.

"Unusual. Not going to Ilvermorny then?"

"No, my parents moved here last year." This lying thing is getting easier and easier… shit I'm going to end up in Slytherin aren't I?

"Your wand arm is your right?"

"Yes."

The tape measure slithered on the floor like a snake and then wound back up Olivander's body to puddle into his hand. "Hmm. It's sensible to buy your wand here regardless. Jonker wands are no better than kindling."

"Who?"

Olivander ignored my question and shoved a wand into my hand. "Spruce with dragon heartstring. Give it a wave."

I tentatively waved it and the resulting sonic boom knocked me on my ass.

"Definitely not that one." Olivander yanked it from my hand. "Hmm need to go the opposite route. Yes..."

My ears were still ringing.

"Here. Sycamore with unicorn hair."

I flicked it and a rainbow spread in the air in front of me.

"Hmm curious."

He shoved another wand into my hand and then yanked it back before I could even wave it. Then came a quick succession of wands that I held for barely a moment before he yanked them from my hand.

"Ah, try this one! Beech with dragon heart string!"

I flicked it. A single yellow spark came out but I still didn't feel any special connection.

"No! Give me that..." Olivander grabbed the wand back and walked to a ladder. Once at the top of the ladder, he grabbed three boxes from the stack. Olivander hopped down from the ladder (he was surprisingly spry for his age) and handed me a light brown wand. "Beech with unicorn hair; good for those who are wise beyond their years."

That's uncomfortably close to the truth.

I waved the wand.

It felt... different but not that magically 'this is mine' feeling described in the books?

Olivander squinted at me. "No but close... so very close..." He handed me another.

I waved it and it also felt... okay?

"Ah! You are maddening girl! Here! Maple with dragon heartstring!"

...also okay?

"Silver lime 10 and a half inches with unicorn hair!"

...okay?

"Willow, dragon heart string slightly springy!"

...okay I'm starting to get a little worried here.

Olivander was tugging on his hair. "Hmm? Maybe? She's a bit young but for one, but everything is leading to that..." Olivander stopped tugging his hair and turned his penetrating gaze toward me and I had the wild thought that he might know Legilimency.

I hastily looked away.

Olivander turned away from me, went to a row in the back, and pulled a box from the very bottom of a pile like he was making a very bad move in Jenga. The tower of boxes neatly settled down and didn't waver at all. I wouldn't be surprised if they had been magically stuck together.

"Alder. 11 inches, phoenix feather core." He handed me the box and then noticeably stepped back and to the side and then watched me with obvious trepidation.

I waved it and something just... clicked. Warmth spread from my fingers all the way down to my toes. The entire shop was bathed in a soft white light.

"An... interesting match for one so young." He seemed generally surprised. "Alder is usually a wood given only to the most advanced _adult_ witches and wizards. Best suited for non-verbal spell work. And paired with a phoenix core... Well you'll have a very difficult time at first, but I'm sure it'll work out."

He turned around and muttered, "Probably."

Probably?

Suddenly, there was a whoosh and the most beautiful bird I had ever seen emerged from the back room. Its feathers were like living fire and appeared to be softer than silk. It trilled a musical note that reminded me of a harp and settled atop one of the stacks of wands.

Olivander looked up and glared. "Swin, don't you dare—"

The phoenix looked down at him disdainfully.

And then flopped on its back and proceeded to roll around in the dust like a dog in a muddy yard.

"STOP IT! COME DOWN THIS INSTANT!"

The phoenix flopped back over, slowly raised his dust and cobwebbed caked wings and flapped once, decisively.

Another layer of dust settled over the entire shop.

"THAT'S IT! YOU ARE BANNED FROM THE FRONT OF THE SHOP YOU POOR EXCUSE FOR A FEATHER DUSTER!"

It seemed like a good a time as any to leave.

I sent the owl reply back to Hogwarts pretending to be my fake parents. It had no return address. Hopefully, that's okay…

The apocathacary was a breeze compared to Olivander's. I got the standard first year potion's kit. I made sure to get a mail order catalogue before I left. Right now everything is just random bits of bugs and goo to me so there's no point in getting extra in anything until I actually know what it does.

I bought the standard astronomy supplies as well. Honestly, if I was going to buy anything extra for this subject it would be some muggle books. Muggles just seem so much more advanced when it comes to this subject. I'm sure there's some magic lore I need to know about the phases of the moon or whatever, but have wizards been to the moon? Or to space? I guess I need to keep a more open mind on this subject, but I can't help but feel like most of the golden trio's homework in astronomy could have been made trivial with a some good muggle charts. And in ten years from now, it'll be one quick internet search away.

Madam Malkins was an eye opener are far as wizard underwear was concerned. I definitely will have to get to a muggle department store tomorrow. I feel like I'm going to have to wear some clothes under my wizard robes. Could I get away with a t-shirt with jeans underneath the school robes? I hope so.

There was a nice feature in the Hogwarts winter weather gift set I bought. It would automatically convert to your house colors once you were sorted.

I got a standard ink and quill set plus some parchment. I may have to do my homework with the quill, but I'm getting some decent ball point pens and muggle notebooks to write notes. Quills look like a pain in the ass no matter how pretty they are. I also grabbed a small desk clock (no batteries necessary) and a calendar.

I knew I wasn't going to get a pet, but I couldn't help going in anyways. There was so many adorable little balls of fluff in there. They even had some baby owls. They weren't for sale yet, but they had a clear glass display where you could see them pattering around. They were like walking cotton balls with faces. SO cute. After petting everything that would let me pet it (and a few things that didn't particularly want me to… you WILL except my love adorable blue winged bunnies), I wandered back outside.

The school trunk and camping store were the same place it turns out.

The front of the store was painted forest green and the inside was decorated with the heads of animals I couldn't identity. Most of them had horns or antlers. There was something that resembled a purple boar with tusks as wide as hubcaps, a bear with a vaguely human face, and a rabbit with antlers. In one corner, there was a massive tank of blue and yellow electric eels. They occasionally would bump into each other and exchange sparks.

The whole place reminded me of a magical Cabellas.

It was pretty big inside and it took me awhile to find the school trunks. There was only one standard footlocker option for the trunks although they came in all of the house colors. They all had wheels on the bottom at least. I selected one with just the Hogwarts school crest and wheeled it behind me as I looked for the tents.

I took a corner too sharp and bumped into a magazine corner. I grabbed the edge before it fell over. It was full of issues of 'Worldy Wizard Magazine.' The current cover had a handsome man with blonde wavy hair wearing flannel holding a three headed fish. I almost walked away but happened to catch the headline out of the corner of my eye.

'Gilderoy Lockhart catches the legendary Monster of Lake Tota! Fishing Tips from the adventurer himself inside!'

I stared.

I guess the lavender colored flannel should have tipped me off.

He really is quite handsome. I guess it also confirms that I'm not in the movie universe. That's definitely not Kenneth Braugh. He's more of a Liam Hemsworth really. I can see why so many girls at Hogwarts had crushes on him. It's too bad he's such an incurable asshole.

The cover winked at me.

It took me another five minutes before I came across the tent displays. Many of them were quite extravagant. There was one that looked like a stone castle, another that looked like a log cabin, one that looked like an Arabian King's tent (if you looked into a fake window you saw harem girls), one that looked like a palace if viewed from the side, and several that looked like muggle tents from the outside. None of them had prices or information on what was actually inside.

A middle-aged man emerged from the tent. He was wearing green flannel robes and had a long brown beard and bushy eyebrows. "Good afternoon! How may I help you?"

"Yes, I want to purchase this school trunk and I was also going to buy a tent?"

"Are your mother and father also here?"

I couldn't help but scowl. This being a kid again thing was already getting old. "I have money."

"I'm sure you do kid." He smiled condescendingly. "Why don't you come back again when your parents are with you?"

"Why don't you just tell me how much the tents are and I can judge for myself if I have enough?"

The man's bushy eyebrows frowned together into one giant caterpillar. "Listen you little—"

I reached into my bag and came back up with a fist full of galleons. "My parents gave me the money. Dad said I could pick the tent out. I was the one who wanted to go camping after all. But if our money isn't good enough..." I slowly put the money back into the bag making sure they coins fell from my hand individually into the bag. It looked like I'd managed to grab at least thirty.

"Oh!" The man laughed nervously. "Excuse me Miss. I can be a little testy before I've had lunch!"

It was well past three p.m. at this point.

"Of course." I plastered a fake smile on my face. "I need a tent that looks like a muggle tent from the outside. It must have running water, a loo, a bed, a working shower or a tub, and preferably some kind of table and chairs? The plumbing must all be automatic. I won't be able to use spells outside of school for quite a while... I don't want to have to wake up dad if I need to use the loo in the middle of the night."

Well, I already contradicted my parental lie. I had to infer I was a half-blood though. I don't think he'd sell a muggleborn first year a wizard tent.

"Ah, so you'll be wanting the deluxe model. I own this one myself. Took it to the 1990 Quidditch World Cup in Australia! Stays cool in the summer and warm in the winter."

"Do all the features work without a wand? Can it be set up without a wand?"

"Yes, there's a button on the side. It will unfold and fold itself for you automatically. It folds down into the size of an umbrella. Very inconspicuous."

"How much?" Not that it matters. I need this damn thing to survive until September.

"Well it's very pricey." I could practically see the dollar signs in his eyes. Or would that be galleon signs? "How much did you say you had Miss?"

I must look like a particular stupid child.

"I'm sure I have enough. What is your price?"

A muscle at the corner of the man's right eye twitched. "Twenty five galleons. It's the best on the market!"

I just know I'm getting ripped off, but what choice to I have? "Okay, but you have to give me the school trunk for free."

"Sold." He hadn't even hesitated. Yeah I was getting ripped off.

I handed him twenty five galleons. It was almost physically painful. I hate getting a bad deal.

I stuffed the folded up tent and my other purchases into the trunk. I tried to hold my head up high and look nonchalant as I walked out of the store, but I still felt like the idiot who sold her family cow for magic beans. At least, I had it and wasn't going to wallow in my own filth and sleep on the ground for two months. I could sneak back into the vault and hide out for two months after I got some canned food and clothing.

After the book store of course. Priorities and all.

Flourish and Blotts was AMAZING.

The place was a maze of books. There were books about every magical category imaginable. Charms, potions, history, obscure languages, culture, music, and hobbies. You could spell your own cheeses or knit a jumper that gave you hugs. They had hand baskets with charms to make the carrying weight lighter, or I would have been doubled over with my purchases pretty quickly.

I bought all of the books from the school list, paid for them, and then stuffed them in my trunk. I then went back and bought the whole seven years worth of books in the Stand Book of Spells Series and the corresponding series in Potions. There wasn't any numbered series in any of the other books, though. I got a weird look when they rung me up but eh, whatever. They all fit into my trunk. I should probably have found out the capacity of the school trunk before buying it.

I wandered the shelves and found a few more interesting books I threw in my cart; "Hogwarts: a History", "Wizarding Culture in America", "Arithmancy for Beginners", "Ancient Runes Primer", "1, 100 and 1 Beautifying Charms", "I am Newt: An Autobiography", "Crafting Magical Items and Objects for Beginners", and "You Can Never be Too Paranoid: Protective Charms for your shoelaces and More!", but no book on Occlumency. I also picked up two blank diaries, a calendar, and a mail order catalogue.

I stopped below a ladder where a clerk was seemingly shelving something invisible (or practicing being a mime).

"Excuse me, can you help me find something?"

The young man glanced downward, set something (or somethings?) down, and climbed down the ladder. "What ya need Miss?"

"I was looking for a book on Occlumency or how to become an Animagus?"

"Eh? Let me see." He jumped back onto the ladder and it whisked him away abruptly like it was on rails. I looked around awkwardly, not sure if I was supposed to follow him or what, but he showed up again about thirty seconds later. "Sorry Miss. They're in the age restricted section. Can't sell it ta ya."

"Age restricted section?" Occlumency didn't seem dangerous in of itself.

The clerk pointed down the hallway where an area was separated with a cloth doorway. "Ya know... adult books and such."

He blushed a little and avoided my eyes.

"What kind of books are adult books?" I couldn't help asking and schooled my face into an innocent expression.

"Just... adult things! You pay it no mind. Down aisle twelve are the Hogwarts school books." He pointed down the way I had come.

"So they're books on taxes? Balancing a check book?"

"No! Just... don't worry about it kid. You can't get them any how."

"How to fix a leaky sink?"

"Why would that be restricted? No just... go away." He was started to sweat.

"Playing the stock market and managing long term investments?"

"Huh? No! They're only for adults about grown-up stuff now stop asking!"

"Okay. Never mind." I hid a smile and decided to stop teasing him. I don't want the poor guy's head exploding over Wizarding porn books. "Thank you for your help."

"You're welcome." He turned around to go back to his work and then did a double take. He frantically touched random spots on the shelf beside him and then hung his head. "Oh god! I've lost them again!"

I snuck away.

Not being able to get an Occlumency book sucks. Maybe the Room of Requirement can help me get what I need? Not sure what other way I can get it. I guess I'm just going to have to be vigilant to not look Dumbledore in the eye. Or Snape. Or Quirrel.

I'm going to have to find an Occlumency book somehow.

Time had gotten away from me and it had already begun to get dark. It was damn near twilight and the run down buildings had begun to cast long shadows.

Something really important occurred to me as I shuffled between a building in Knockturn Alley dragging a brand new trunk full of new school supplies, extra books, and several sacks full of money after spending a large amount of coin while by myself as an eleven year old.

I was a gigantic moron.

A young girl with two bags full of money wandering around dark alleys in the bad part of town at night… It's the kind of thing you see in the newspaper and go 'Oh no wonder they only ever found her head in the dumpster!'

I'm trying to creep around to the best of my ability. The buildings are close together and create a lot of shadows at least. But the wizarding world doesn't appear to have dumpsters (do they vanish everything?) and my stupid school trunk is squeaking like crazy. It didn't seem that loud before, but now it might as well be screaming 'Sqeeeak! Come murder me! Sqeeeak!'

I looked around, but so far there was nothing. Just me and the growing darkness.

I paused and listened carefully. Was that footsteps?

I thought I heard the faintest shuffling and tapping against the cobblestones. Or it's my imagination and I'm going crazy?

There it was again!

I ducked behind a building.

Something came down the alley and sniffed?

I tried to keep my breathing even and quiet.

The footsteps and shuffling stopped. The something sniffed again. I pressed myself and my trunk as close to the back of the building as I could.

"I can smell youuuuu," the something said in a creaky ancient voice like nails scraping on metal. "Where are youuuu?"

My hand went into my jacket pocket where I'd kept my wand. What the hell do I do? I don't even know any spells yet! I took my hand out of my pocket. I'd be better off trying to run or kick the thing.

The something sniffed again. It was getting closer. "I know you're there little girly. You smell soo divine. Come out so Auntie Cordelia can seee youuuu."

I glanced around the back of the building. There was a route farther out of here but I would be exposed for a moment in the place between the buildings. Should I try for it? God I need to do something before my heart explodes inside my chest.

"Just a little nibble. Maybe just the tip of a finger? You've got 10 of those. No reason to be stingy deary." The thing let out a raspy and strangely girlish giggle.

Suddenly, there was another set of louder, heavier sounding footsteps.

"What are you doing Cordelia?" It was a man's voice.

"What are YOU doing?" the something (Cordelia?) asked. I decided to chance a peek around the corner.

A man wrapped in a black cloak was arguing with… an old woman? No, it was more like the facsimile of an old woman. She had a long hooked nose, gaping large watery eyes, pointed ears, and her entire face was covered in warts. It was like a Halloween witch mask had permanently molded to her skin and become her flesh.

"I'm... taking a leisurely stroll. At night, as it my prerogative."

"Oh and what is in the sack? Hmmm? It seems... interesting."

"Well who were YOU talking to? Someone... interesting?"

"No... no one interesting. Quite uninteresting in fact."

"Well I was also carrying something uninteresting."

"Ah well... jolly good."

"Jolly good to you too."

I like to think I didn't run away, but bravely power walked away from the situation.

Adventure ahoy.


	3. Adventure Train: Choo! Choo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I appreciate any comments, reviews, and criticism. I know self-insert stories are a tough sell to readers. I would appreciate any feedback letting me know if I'm avoiding the typical pitfalls these stories have.

Today, I discovered that the disgustingness of cold spam is directly correlated to how hungry you are. Day one you feel like you can just eat the canned vegetables. Day two it's suddenly looking a lot less inedible. Almost like food. Day three it kind of tastes like bologna? And by day four even the jelly at the bottom of the can is like sweet ambrosia.

The muggle grocery store clerk didn't even bat an eye when an eleven year old yank came in, bought two carts full of canned food, filled a foot locker full, and walked off into the street. I thought I would at least get some raised eyebrows, but nope. I guess they don't get paid enough to give a shit.

It was strangely the easiest thing I've done so far in this world. I was also able to buy a bunch of muggle clothing without anyone wondering what the hell the kid was doing by herself. Do muggles in this world really not notice things as much? Or is it a British thing? Or a big city thing? I feel like if an eleven year old packed a trunk full of canned meat back home some busy body would have asked what the hell I was doing and also, 'Where are your parents?'

I really wish the painting hadn't been buried under the piles of gold. It's been nearly a month since I've been stuck in this vault waiting for summer to end. I need someone to talk to, even a crazy old painting lady. But there's no way in hell I'm going to mess with that pile of gold, let alone get on top of it. I already bolt upright in the middle of the night any time I hear the pile settle. The first night, I had a nightmare that both gold piles caved in over my tent and buried me alive.

The only thing keeping me sane at this point is my school books. I've almost read them all cover to cover. I took notes as I read so I should have a great start before getting to school. If I was going to do this witch thing, I might as well do it right. And hell, eventually there might be a war where I'll have a giant target on my back for being a muggle born so I need to be good at magic.

Unlike muggle school, this didn't feel like work. I've already filled in so many gaps in my magical knowledge! I'm so glad I went crazy at the bookstore. I'm going to get through the first year school books in another week or two. After that, I'll start on the second year books and Hogwarts: A History. I'll at least have a great head-start on the book learning. It's too bad I can't practice the practical stuff yet. I'm just itching to start casting spells!

I suppose there's a chance the trace wouldn't work on me. It really depends on if it reads your body or your soul. It's definitely not worth the risk right now. Maybe Hogwarts will have some books on how the trace works?

I've also been doing other planning. There was going to be a war happening soon and good people were going to die. I can't sit by and do nothing. But I also know I'm not special. I'm going to try as hard as I damn well can to make up for what I lack, but I'm still a regular person. At least, I have some foreknowledge, maturity beyond my age, and an adult work ethic.

God, I hope it's enough.

It goes without saying that I'll have to study my brains out and do extracurricular practice in Defense Against the Dark Arts. I'm going to attempt to learn Occlumency. I don't know how effective practicing on my own will be without a Legitimance to practice with, but it can't hurt to try. I have a brain full of Voldemort's most well kept secrets just waiting to be mind read.

I know a lot of 'redo' fanfiction has Harry training his body as well as his mind. I definitively think some kind of dodging practice would be worthwhile. I'm going to be walking everywhere so I don't think I need to be jogging every morning or anything. And as far as learning martial arts?

Funny thing is I actually already know martial arts.

I've been practicing in and out of various dojos since I was 14. I had six years of karate, four years of aikdo, and a year of jujitsu. And as the years went by, and I accumulated more and more knowledge; I finally realized one undeniable truth.

I kind of suck at it.

You'd think after a decade of being into some form of martial arts I would feel like I could defend myself if I was attacked, but no. All it really did was teach me how easily the human body can be broken (and what a jacked up knee feels like). And hell, how much being outweighed and having reach matters in a fight. I think I'm still better off having studied, but I'm under no impression that it's going to turn me into a badass witch.

Although, if Bellatrix Lestrange ever tries to hold me down and write mudblood on my arm, that crazy bitch is going to be very very surprised. That's a pretty rare example though of being attacked by someone with similar height/weight (assuming Bellatrix isn't built like a tank and Rowling forgot to mention it). Hell, maybe I could teach Hermione a few tricks? Although, I don't know how 'Hey you wanna wrestle?' wont' sound insane and weird.

Another thing they always do in 'redo' fiction is try to become an animagus. But the person always turns into something useful. What if I dedicate years to learning wandless self transfiguration and I turn into a freakin goldfish or sheep (fear me forces of darkness baaaa)? So I'm going to have to find out if there's a way to find out what you'll become ahead of time.

I'd like to make some helpful magical defense items, but no idea how hard that might even be. Like a ring that slows your descent if you're falling or closes up bleeding wounds. Maybe some shoe laces that automatically wake you up if you're stunned? A ring that replenishes your blood? Shirts that can repel knives?

I'm sure there's other magic that I don't even know about that might be useful. I can't wait to get to the Hogwarts library.

Well the most important thing is that I have a head full of future knowledge. So what do I do with it? I have to do SOMETHING. I can't let people get hurt if I can do something about it. The more I meddle the less the foreknowledge will be accurate, but I also feel like just being there will create ripples and change things. I can't live my life worrying that my every action will go all butterfly effect on the wizarding world.

I'm not going to tell Dumbledore. Not right away anyways. I think Dumbledore is at his core a good person. He's not an evil puppet master. He's more morally gray. However, if it came down to erasing the unshielded mind of a nobody eleven year old versus letting Voldemort know you're onto his most guarded secrets, I'd be sorting candy wrappers with Alice Longbottom in a blink of an eye.

I don't even think it would be the wrong move in the grand scheme of things. I'm a walking security risk right now. So at least until I can learn Occlumency and make a case for not blasting my brain, I'm keeping everything to myself.

I don't really want to give up my autonomy to him either to be honest. I feel like I'd be under someone's authority as an under-aged witch if Dumbledore caught wind of my situation. I've got no desire to put up with someone trying to parent me. Having to defer to teachers and other adults all the time like a regular kid is already going to chafe enough.

I think there's a lot I can do in the earlier years by myself before the shit hits the fan. Heck, maybe the shit won't have to hit the fan as bad as it did in canon. There is also some things, especially in first year, that I feel need to happen. I'm not terribly gung-ho about letting three kids face a troll, but I don't think they'd have become friends with Hermione otherwise. And if they don't become friends with Hermione, Ron and Harry would probably have died at some point. And if Harry bites it, then Britain (and maybe the world?) is doomed.

Trying to get the philosopher's stone should probably happen too. I know it sounds harsh, but I feel like the trio needed the 'baby adventures' to get used to dealing with high stress situations. What if they don't have to deal with any of that and when someone inevitably tries to kill Harry who didn't try in canon (or tried another way) and Harry freezes up?

Second year though, I'm going to be the meddling queen. There's no way I'm going to be in a castle with an insta-death snake who is out to kill muggleborns and only doesn't because of a ridiculously lucky series of coincidences. If I'm lucky, I can intercept the diary as soon as Ginny gets it. 'Excuse me red headed family, I seem to have dropped my totally not evil diary during the confusion. Did it become mixed in with your things? Oh it did? Thank you for returning my book that definitely doesn't have the soul of your greatest enemy imbued in the pages. Good day to you.'

Not that I will be sitting on my hands in my first year. No, first year I'm going to try to free Sirius Black.

I just need to force Pettigrew to transform in a crowded public place where the teachers are present, and there are no obvious escape routes. Even better if I can stun the rat THEN force him to transform. I know there's a spell that forces the transformation (Lupin or Sirius used it in the third book). There's a spell that reveals a human's presence too. Once I can perform both (and a good stunning spell), I just need to figure out a reason to randomly cast them on Ron's rat. Or get someone else to cast it. Hopefully, a plan will come to me after I'm settled into the Hogwarts routine. If I'm good at one thing, it's making up random bullshit.

After that, who knows? If I succeed at clearing Sirius's name, Lupin might not even become Harry's teacher. No idea about fourth year either. How long was Dumbledore planning the Triwizard Tournament?

At some point (next summer?) I should try to look into Umbridge's past. I know she has a squib brother and a muggle mother. Being a half blood, she might have even went to a muggle elementary school. Maybe there's some pictures of her as a muggle elementary school kid? The best way to defeat her is to hurt her credibility in the eyes of the other pure bloods.

I should be able to gather a lot of the horcruxes myself (can I pick up the ring with tongs and not get cursed?). Voldemort, Harry, Nagini (and probably the cup) will still be on someone else though. I have no idea how to destroy horcruxes though. All the ways in the book would be out. No basilisk fang if I stop the basilisk, no sword of Gryffindor if I don't end up there, and no way am I messing with fiendfyre. There must be some other way though. Dropping them in a volcano? Could you cast avada kadavra on it? Maybe that's the point where I would go to Dumbledore...

I put down my copy of "You Can Never Be too Paranoid" by Mayoral Stood. It was probably the best book I had purchased. Once I was finally at school and can do magic, no one was stealing my shoes unless they wanted said shoes to kick them in the face. My shoelaces would then spell out the name of the thief when I spoke the code word. There was a potion to create a poison revealing spoon coating. I could charm my bed to scream if someone snuck up on me in my sleep (probably won't use that at school). Falling from a dangerous height? What if you and bounce instead because of your bouncy underpants?

Thank god that most of my books were interesting. Doing nothing but reading, eating, and sleeping was really starting to get to me. If I wasn't learning about venomous roses and how to brew anti boil potions, I'd have lost my mind already.

Well I suppose there was one other thing I could do.

I sighed, picked up one of my money pouches and went outside the tent. My other hobby, if it can be called that, was shoveling gold into this money pouch. And shoveling. And shoveling. And shoveling some more until my arms couldn't move anymore. The money pouch still wasn't showing any signs of being full and I've barely made a dent in the piles of gold. After some time perusing the mail order catalogs I've received from Diagon Alley, I'd come to the conclusion that this was a ridiculous amount of money. Like, not just the Potter or Malfoy fortunes. This was more like 'single handedly cause inflation' type of money. Who the hell put it here?

I sat down and started another hour of shoving gold into my coin pouch.

* * *

The day had finally come. I spent that morning singing Wizard rock songs from my home dimension (Gotta get myself to Hogwarrrts. Gotta get myself to schooool! Where everything is magic cooool) and obsessively packing. My tent was at the bottom of my trunk covered in books and other various things. None of my roommates should see my tent when I opened my trunk. I made sure my robes were at the top so I could put them on before arriving. I kept my purse out with one of the money bags inside it. If I lost my trunk, I wouldn't lose everything. You can never be too paranoid (I've learned so much from Mayoral Stood).

I hesitated in front of the cans of food. I would probably not be waylaid and starve to death on my way there but two months ago I wouldn't think I'd be in another dimension heading off to Platform 9 3/4's either...

I put two cans of potted meat into my purse.

I had awoken at 5am so I still had plenty of time, but the thought of fresh air and finally getting adventure started was overwhelming me. So at 7am I was dragging myself out of the outhouse, through Knockturn Alley, into Diagon Alley, through the Leaky Cauldron, and was hailing the Knight Bus.

With a loud CRACK it appeared before me in its bright purple multi-deck glory. I jumped back instinctively. The thing nearly took half my arm off. Maybe I won't stick my hand out so far next time.

The door of the bus opened and an ancient man with coke bottle glasses peered up at me. "Where you headed to?"

"King's Cross Station please. Gotta get myself to Hogwarts." I dropped the coins in a metal tin near the driver's seat.

"All by yourself?" He squinted at me.

I dragged my trunk up the steps, thankful for the anti-weight charms. "Yes, my parents had to work."

"You came all the way from America?"

Would I have to have this conversation a thousand times? Was there a spell to change my accent?

"No. My parents moved here last year. I got an acceptance letter." I dragged my trunk a few rows down and sat down. There was an old woman in a fluffy pink nightgown in the back row. I could see the edge of her bunny slippers peaking out of the row. There was a younger man in a crisp gray business suit two rows in front of her who was reading a newspaper and sipping tea.

I kept a good grip of the handle. I think I can keep this from coming back and hitting me in the face. This wasn't the movie universe though so surely it wouldn't be nearly as crazy. No one was planning on making this a ride in a Florida amusement park.

The driver shrugged. "Keep your hands, feet, and body inside the moving vehicle at all times!"

Body?

I was flung from my seat into the side of the bus.

None of the chairs were actually bolted down. My trunk and chair slid around in a demented version of bumper cars.

The old bunny slipper woman clapped happily and looked like she was having the time of her life.

The younger man in a business suit kept calmly reading his newspaper and sipping his tea. He hadn't spilled a drop.

I could not in fact, keep my trunk from hitting me in the face. The trunk slid back and forth and occasionally smacked into me like an errant boulder. It never seemed to hit anyone else.

The world outside the windows was a stream of colors as if we were in the Millennium Falcon and had went into hyper-drive.

"Do a loop for me Ernie! It's my birthday!" The old woman had her hands up like she was on a rollercoaster.

If I could have stood up, I would have kicked her.

The engine revved up and I added getting slammed from the roof to the floor to my pain repertoire.

I caught a glimpse upside down of the business guy. His tea STILL didn't spill.

"Whooo!" The old bag cheered. And then I swear a smaller 'whooo!' came from one of her bunny slippers.

After awhile I just tried to accept the bruises and hoped that those tiny little crystal vials I had to buy for potions class weren't shattered.

The chaos suddenly halted.

"Ministry of Magic, Entrance B12!" called the conductor.

The business man gracefully stood up, waved his wand and vanished his tea and newspaper, walked smoothly from the bus, and into an abandoned book store.

I stood up and desperately looked for something to hold on to. The old woman's chair slid next to me. She was in a bright green cushy recliner.

"You should try wearing your seat belt. It's a lot more fun that way!" The old lady cackled and her green chair slid away of its own accord. She then pulled a lever on the armrest and the chair started to spin.

I glanced about. None of the chairs had seat belts! What the hell was she-

I was flung to the back of the bus.

I looked rather worse for wear when I finally made it to King's Cross. My hair stood up in odd directions and my clothes looked like I'd slept in them. The corner of my trunk was a little dinged. With shaky legs, I dragged my trunk from the bus. I didn't bother to look back as it jolted away as soon as my trunk and cleared the door. None of the muggles milling about seem to have noticed the purple blur.

King's Cross had two gigantic arches below equally big bay windows and a clock tower jutting from the middle. It reminded me of a Roman aqueduct. I walked in and no one paid me any mind. I didn't bother with a cart. I was much too early to catch any glimpses of Harry Potter or the Weasleys so I counted out the platforms until I found the 9th and 10th.

The entryway looked like an ordinary pillar. How did muggles not accidental lean on it?

I shuffled closely and tried to nonchalantly look around. No one was looking this way. I poked a finger near the barrier. It went through. I closed my eyes and walked forward.

When I opened my eyes, I was on another platform. Behind me was a large iron archway. The Hogwarts Express lay before me, gleaming in the morning sun. The platform was already crowded. Parents were hugging their children, pets squawked and croaked and meowed, and children of all ages were running about. Good thing I had started so early. The Knight Bus had really taken the scenic route.

I could see a line forming at one of the loading platforms. I might as well get on the train. I'd like to loiter about and see if I can find anyone from Rowling's books, but I suppose the sorting will show me some of them soon enough. I could see the top of what might be Hermione Granger's curly brown hair a dozen feet away but I really wasn't sure-

I bumped into another trunk. A cat screeched.

"Hey!" A girl with straight brown hair and blue eyes turned and glared at me and then turned back to her trunk and gasped. The cage on top of her trunk was empty. "Oh no! Mittens?! Mittens where are you?!"

The girl ran off before I could say anything. I went to follow her, but I'd already lost her in the crowd.

"Just move her stuff out of the way she'll come back for it later." A tall boy in Ravenclaw robes came up behind me and pointed to her trunk. He had a prefect badge on.

"What's the hold up?" a girl cried from somewhere further down the line.

I pushed her stuff off to the side. I'd have to tell the girl sorry later if I could find her. I walked up to the platform and into the train.

The train was paneled with wood and the carpet was grey with a simple geometric pattern. I took a right and walked down the aisle feeling unsure. Do I find an empty compartment or try to sit with someone? Does my decision set who I'm friends with maybe even my very house for the next seven years? Or do I vastly over think things?

I picked an empty compartment and shoved my trunk in the overhead compartment. I bet the thing weighs a ton without the weightless charm. I sat down. The compartment benches were a rich brown leather and very comfy.

My stomach growled. In the excitement, I had forgotten to stop at the Leaky Cauldron for a quick breakfast. And there was no way I was going to pull out my tin of spam in a crowd. First impressions were important and there was no way I was going to be that 'weird muggle potted meat girl' for seven years.

My stomach growled again.

The compartment opened, a group of older boys looked at me and then closed it again. Then a group of older boys and girls looked at me and then closed it again. This happened a couple times until I decided to just keep the thing open. I get that no one wants to sit with a random firstie, but it still feels kind of rude.

Finally, a boy opened the compartment who looked to be my age. He had sandy brown hair and was a bit chubby. "Can I sit here? I don't know very many people yet."

"Sure!" I hopped up and helped him stow away his trunk. He sat a cage next to himself. I heard a loud croak.

"Hi um... my name's Neville Longbottom." He held out his hand and I reached over and shook it. I tried not to stare. Wow, another book character! It's really weird meeting someone you know a lot about who knows nothing about you.

"My name's Kasey Thompson."

"Oh are you a yank? Wait, is yank a rude term? Never met a yank before..." Neville cleared his throat. "I mean, where are you from?"

"I'm from America originally but my parents moved to London last year. I have no idea if yank is supposed to be rude or not but I don't mind." I shrugged.

The compartment opened again. "Oh thank goodness! I've been run out of three compartments already by upper years." A girl walked with short blonde hair dragging her trunk. A ginger cat was perched on her shoulders. "You guys ARE also in first year right?"

I nodded as the girl shoved her trunk in the upper compartment.

"Good. My name is Mandy by the way." She flopped down next to Neville. Her cat hopped off her shoulder and jumped down to her lap. The cat eyed Neville's covered cage with interest. "And this is Mr. Gingerkins. I named him that because he's ginger ya know."

I could have guessed.

"I'm Kasey. This is Neville."

Neville smiled at her awkwardly.

"Neville, I think we've met before. Neville Longbottom right? Your grandmother is always wearing hats with dead birds on them? My gran dragged me to one of your gran's horrid tea parties once. A bunch of old bitties going on and on about so and so who you've not met since you were a toddler." Mandy rolled her eyes. "I don't envy you. Did you get stuck at those all the time?"

"Sometimes." Neville's wince expression clearly said 'ALL THE TIME'.

The compartment opened again. A girl with wild bushy brown hair, brown eyes, and buck teeth stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips. There was no way that wasn't Hermione Granger.

"Can I sit here? I asked the conductor if there were any assigned seats, but he waved me away." The girl walked in without waiting for an answer. "The compartments are filling up pretty quickly. There's really not a lot of students though when you take into account the overall population of Britain." The girl shoved her trunk into the compartment. The overhead was almost full.

"Hi, I'm Kasey." I held out my hand.

Mandy turned toward me. "Are you American? Do Americans go to Hogwarts too? I thought there was a school in America?" Mandy peered at me like my Americanness should be apparent on my body somehow.

"It's obvious isn't it?" Hermione (there's no way she's not Hermione) rolled her eyes. "She must have moved here. You're thinking of Illvemorny by the way. Hogwarts a History lists some of the other top wizarding schools in its preface."

I still had my hand out awkwardly.

"Terribly rude of me." Hermione grabbed my hand and shook it vigorously. "My name is Hermione Granger. Pleasure to meet you."

Knew it.

The compartment opened again.

A boy with dark black hair peered in. He was wearing a green and yellow Quidditch jersey. "You lot have room for one more?"

Hermione nodded. "I think the room capacity is six. It says so on the safety plaques in the hallway you know."

I can see why she has problems making friends.

"Huh..." The boy looked like he was thinking about moving on and then shrugged and walked in. His trunk barely fit in the overhead. "My name's Wayne Hopkins."

We went around making introductions. Wayne sat down next to Neville and immediately started to grill him and the rest of the room on our favorite Quidditch team. Hermione and I received identical looks of horror from Wayne when we both commented we didn't know much about the game.

"How can you not know about Quidditch?" His brain seemed like it was having a hard time processing this shoking info. "It's just the most amazing game in the history of the world."

I shrugged. "I'm sure it's very fun to play."

Wayne squinted at me. "You're one of THOSE aren't you?"

"Huh? Those what?" Am I about to get discriminated against?

"One of those Quadpot fans! I've heard that's all the rage in the states. It's just an excuse to watch someone get blown up is what my da always says. No strategy at all at least not compared to Quidditch. And my second cousin Eustice said a finger flew into his popcorn at a game when he visited the states on holiday."

"It's not a game unless someone explodes." I ventured and then laughed. "I'm just not really into sports much at all sorry."

Wayne looked at me like I'd lost my mind.

"If you ask me." Hermione tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Quidditch is down-right barbaric. Flying around trying to hit someone with a ball to knock them out of the sky. Someone could get hurt!"

Wayne's eyes widened. He looked at Hermione as if she'd just shed her skin and proclaimed herself Lord Voldemort in disguise. I think she may have inadvertently made an enemy for life.

Neville, bless him, seemed to read the room and turned to Wayne and tried to change the subject. "So ah, how do you think the Ballycastle Bats are going to do against the Falmouth Falcons in the playoffs?"

That seemed to distract Wayne and the two kept on a mostly one sided conversation about the current Quidditch playoffs.

Mandy turned towards me. "What house do you think you'll be in? My dad was in Slytherin but my mom was in Ravenclaw. Slytherin would be okay I suppose. Lots of influential people are in Slytherin, but I think I'd rather have access to the private Ravenclaw library."

"I don't know." I honestly had thought about it so much I'd exhausted the topic in my head. "I think I'd like to be in Gryffindor, but Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff would be okay too."

"Not Slytherin?"

"No... I'm muggleborn so..." I trailed off not sure what else to say, but Mandy seemed to get it.

"You probably won't end up in Slytherin then. I'm not sure if there's ever been a muggleborn in Slytherin. Or not many at least."

Hermione leaned towards us. "Why not?"

Mandy looked embarrassed. "That's because um..."

"Slytherin was prejudiced against muggleborns so he taught the Sorting Hat to not put muggleborns in his house." I replied trying my best to be diplomatic. "There are people in Slytherin who also think that way so it'd be hard to be a muggleborn there."

Hermione shrugged. "People still believe that? I remember reading that in Hogwarts: A History, but that was over a thousand years ago. I was hoping for Gryffindor or Ravenclaw anyways. So you're muggleborn too? It was really a relief for my parents to finally find out why I could do all the stuff I could do!"

"Mine too." Best to not get into too many specifics I'll have to remember especially with Ms. Walking Encyclopedia here.

"It was quite the culture shock! But in retrospect it makes sense how I was able to—" Hermione was interrupted as Mr. Gingerkins began to hiss loudly. The cloth had slipped off of Neville's toads cage. The toad was frantically scrambling around. There was death in Mr. Gingerkins eyes.

Neville peered into the cage. "Trevor! Calm down! It's okay he can't get-"

The front of the cage popped open.

Mr. Gingerkins proceeded to rain destruction and pain upon our carriage.

Mandy tried to hold the flailing ball of ginger fur back as Trevor jumped from the cage and bounced around the room terrified. I tried to help Mandy hold back the cat and got scratched up all to hell. Wayne jumped to grab Trevor and missed, somehow knocking the compartment door open. Someone yelled. The frog scrambled out the door.

Neville yelled, "Trrevvoooorrrr!" and ran out of the compartment.

Mandy shoved her cat into a carrying case as Hermione ran after Neville. Mr. Gingerkins hissed and yowled as if he was the one done a great wrong.

I bled onto the seat a little bit. "Ow..."

Wayne stood up and rubbed his elbow. "Your cat is a bit of a git Mandy."

Mandy hugged the carrying case protectively. "He's just doing what comes natural to cats. Who brings a toad to Hogwarts these days anyway?"

"...Ow?" I tried again, but no sympathy seemed to be forthcoming.

Hermione and Neville eventually made it back with Neville's toad which was quickly stuffed into his carrying case. Mr. Gingerkins's carrying case had been unceremoniously stuffed underneath Mandy's seat. He would occasionally hiss from below the seats, but seemed to have reigned in his cat bloodlust to regular cat bloodlust levels.

Neville's toad seemed fine. It just croaked and stared blankly no worse for wear.

Toads are kind of lame pets. I wonder if he actually wanted Trevor or if his Grandma wouldn't let him have anything cooler?

I watched out the window as the background conversation began to die down. The sky outside the window was streaked with pink and a rich dark purple. The area was slowly morphing from farmland to hills covered in dense forests. Honestly, it reminded me a bit of home. I think Appalachia was largely settled by Irish and Scottish settlers. They came across the sea and just kept going until they found something that felt like home. I guess this is kind of like the reverse.

I hope it can feel like home someday...

I stared out the window for awhile, watching the hills roll by until the sky had completely darkened. The conductor announced we would be arriving soon so we took turns changing into our robes. I put my bag into my trunk. My stomach was starting to twist and turn.

The odds of the sorting hat outing me as a fraud and/or dimension time traveler and former muggle were pretty low right? Does it have to keep what it learns from us a secret? Even if it didn't why would anyone bother to ask about me?

But what else can I do but risk it? I've got no one and nowhere to go. And god damn do I want to learn magic...

The train started to come to a slow screeching stop...


	4. Where you Ought to Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I'm going to try my best not to rehash dialogue or plot in this story. However, for canon consistency I will have to do so a little bit here. I promise this chapter will be the most I will use. Is the summary for this story terrible? I feel like the summary might be terrible.

Once I had exited the train, Hagrid gathered up all of the first years and marched us down a steep narrow path. Dense trees lined each side shadowing our way and only the moonlight illuminated our way. I was the very last in line. Hagrid was much too far ahead for his lantern to be of any use to me. Something rustled in the dark woods beside me and I quicken my pace, trying to keep as close to the group as possible.

After a few minutes, the line abruptly stopped and I almost stumbled. I heard a chorus of gasps and looked up.

Hogwarts was beautiful.

It was massive, much more massive than I had thought. Dozens of turrets rose into the sky topped with multi-colored banners. There were battlements and catwalks. The cliffs the castle was sitting upon were hundreds of feet tall. Candles in the windows flickered in the night like fireflies. In front of it all, was a massive lake that clearly reflected the bright silvery moon.

"No more'n four to a boat!" I heard Hagrid call. I climbed into one of the boats that were left. The redheaded girl climbed after me followed by a small Asian boy with large dark eyes. As soon as we were settled, our boat started to drift on its own and follow the others.

I glanced down at the lake. Underneath the surface, I could see a massive purple squid blinking back at me. On impulse I waved to it.

I was delighted to see it wave back.

The redheaded girl next to me laughed and we exchanged a smile.

Our boat entered a small grotto and I ducked under a curtain of ivy. Torches lit the inside of the cavern creating dancing patterns on the rock. Our boat drifted over next to the others and stopped on a pebbled shore. We were the last to arrive.

I carefully stepped out of the boat and followed the line of first years up a set of wide stone steps. Finally, we all arrived in front of two massive wooden doors. I could barely see over everyone's heads.

Hagrid exchanged a few words with a tall black haired witch in green (McGonagall?) and then he walked off to the side. The large wooden doors opened of their own accord and we stepped inside.

I about gave myself whiplash trying to take it all in.

I had to crane my neck all the way back to see the top of the ceilings which were decorated with a complicated leaf and vine pattern. Four wide marble staircases led off into the landing, three up and one down. The stairs were wide enough for at least twenty people to walk abreast. Off to the right I could hear a dull roar of human activity. We walked across the flagstone floors and were then led into a small empty chamber off of the hall.

McGonagall stopped, cleared her throat, and proceeded to give us all the Hogwarts gist speech. I bet she's got the thing memorized and says the same thing every year. Behind her, a suit of armor shifted his sword to his other hand. This place was crazy distracting. Why spell a statute of armor to feel like its arms are getting tired?

I turned back to Professor McGonagall. "Each of you will be a credit to whichever house becomes yours. The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school. I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while you are waiting."

McGonagall left us and I looked around at my fellow first years. The group's nervousness was nearly tangible. Kids were adjusting their uniforms obsessively. The girl next to me was nervously chewing on the end of a red braid. Someone in the front was muttering spells to themselves. To be honest, I wasn't feeling much better.

I heard several people in the front gasp. About twenty ghosts streamed out from the back of the room. The tail end of one silvery woman's robes went through the top of my head and I felt like someone suddenly dunked my head in ice water.

"Pardon." The silvery woman called and drifted off towards her fellows at the front of the room. The ghost group chatted with some kids at the front and then drifted through the opposite wall. I still felt cold.

Professor McGonagall returned. "Move along now. The Sorting Ceremony's about to start. Now form a line and follow me."

We scrambled to form a line and McGonagall walked out of the room without a backward glance. We walked out of the chamber, back across the hall, and through a pair of double doors into the Great Hall.

The Great Hall was breathtaking. You'd think after being in 100% awe all day my awe-o-meter would be full by now, but nope. The floating candles, the glittering gold silverware, the house banners that moved, and the ceiling that looked EXACTLY like the night sky was still taking my breath away. The ceiling it wasn't like a high definition television screen where you could still tell it wasn't real. It was indistinguishable from the real thing.

We were led up to the front of the room and lined up in front of a raised dais where the teachers sat. I looked through the sea of faces, most of which looked only mildly interested. I suppose they'd seen several sortings before. McGonagall silently placed a stool in front of our line. On top of the stool, she placed the sorting hat. It was really dirty and frayed. I wonder why no one cleaned it. Were they afraid cleaning spells would make it fall apart?

The brim of the hat twitched and then formed a mouth and began to sing its yearly sorting song. It was quite good at carrying a tune. It had a very clear precise singing voice. I suppose it had a lot of years to practice.

The whole hall burst into applause as the hat finished its song. The hat bowed its pointy top at all of the tables.

"When I call your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted." McGonagall had quite a set of pipes on her. Her voice carried very well. Maybe it was a spell? "Abbot, Hannah!"

There was a pause and then the hat yelled out, "HUFFLEPUFF!"

And so it begins.

"Bones, Susan!" The redheaded girl I had shared a boat with scuttled up and was sorted into Hufflepuff.

Terry Boot strode up confidently next and was sorted into Ravenclaw.

"Bracklehurst, Mandy!" Mandy from the train carriage went up next. She still had scratches all over her hands. It didn't take long at all to sort her into Ravenclaw. I guess she picked the library after all.

The sorting continued with nervous kid after nervous kid jumping up and having the next seven years decided for them. Sometimes it was instant, sometimes it took a bit longer.

"Jones, Megan!" I saw the girl whose trunk I'd accidentally slammed into back at the train station walk up to be sorted. The hat was on for several minutes before it yelled "RAVENCLAW!"

"Longbottom, Neville!" Poor Neville about tripped on the way there. It took a really long time with Neville. This anticipation is killing me. Why did my last name have to start with T?

Then another Ravenclaw was sorted in ten seconds. Malfoy came up and the hat barely touched his head before it shouted "Slytherin!"

"Perks, Sally Anne!" They were getting close to Harry now. A sandy haired girl walked up and after about thirty seconds the hat yelled, "Slytherin!"

"Potter, Harry!" the crowd hushed as everyone turned to stare at the poor kid. And I guess I stared too. This was my first real look at Harry Potter. He seemed quite small for his age and rather skinny too. His black hair stuck out in weird places and his large coke bottles glasses seemed too big for his face. Poor kid, the Dursley's really did not feed him properly. He was all knobby knees and elbows.

It was strange knowing exactly what the sorting hat was saying to the kid. He scrunched up his eyebrows and I was pretty sure that was the moment he was telling the hat not to put him in Slytherin. I know so much about this kid; his hopes, dreams, secrets that he'd never want any one to know, and even his future… and he's never even met me.

Not yet anyway.

"GRYFFINDOR!" the hat called out and the Gryffindor table erupted in mad applause and jumping up and down like they'd just been called up to the stage on a game show or as if they were in a southern Baptist revival. I wouldn't be surprised if someone jumped up and screamed 'Harry Potter Hallelujah!'

He's just another kid guys. Calm the fuck down.

Sophie Roper was sorted into Gryffindor before a much more muted applause. A boy named Oliver went to Ravenclaw. Pricilla Runcorn was sorted into Slytherin. When Sally Smith was called, I knew my turn had to be soon. I steeled myself and straightened my robes.

"Thompson, Kasey!"

Despite myself, I started at the sound of my name and tried not to rush forward too quickly toward the stool. I sank down and the hat was dropped upon my head. All I could see was black. It smelled rather musty.

_'_ _Well if you were a thousand years old you'd smell a bit ripe too!_ _'_

I started. The hat's voice reverberated inside my head. It was like hearing an echo in a cave.

 _'Hello?'_ I called out in my head.

_'Well what do we have... huh. Curiouser and curioser.'_

I gulped and felt a lead weight settle into my stomach. _'I would appreciate if you didn't scream 'imposter'!'_

_'Why would I do that? You're very much a witch my dear. There's no doubt about that.'_

_'Oh well good.'_ I felt a last lingering doubt within me blow away. _'Do you have to keep everything you find in my head confidential?'_

_'Why would you care if everyone knew?'_

_'Why would I care if everyone knew I was an inter_ _-_ _dimensional time traveler with the mind of a thirty year old woman muggle woman in the body of an eleven year old? Are your seams coming lose?'_

_'It would be quite interesting!'_

I balked. Interesting he says. The hat was mad. _'You didn't answer my question…'_

_'No I didn't. Hmmm... where to put you? You have a great love of knowledge but a life long hatred of riddles... Hmmm... Ah what ambition!'_

_'Not Slytherin. Also please answer the question.'_

_'No.'_ It sounded smug.

_'No?'_

_'You're very persistent. Not Slytherin eh?'_

_'No!'_ This conversation is starting to make my head hurt.

_'Why?'_

_'I'm muggleborn they'd eat me alive. Also_ _,_ _a lot of them seem mean.'_ I blushed under the hat. I didn't mean to blurt out that last part. I meant it, but jeez. It made me sound intimidated by a bunch of kids.

_'Not to each other generally. No matter. I wasn't going to sort you there regardless.'_

_'Then why did you ask?_ _'_ I shook my head. _'_ _No, never mind all that. Just please put me in Gryffindor.'_

_'Why do you want to be in Gryffindor?'_

_'I can help_ _everyone_ _much_ _more easily_ _if I'm in Gryffindor. A lot of bad things are going to happen. I might be able to prevent some of them if I try.'_

_'Why?'_

_'What do you mean why?'_

_'Why try to change things? There's so much you could do with your foreknowledge after all.'_

_'Because it's the right thing to do. What a weird ass question.'_

_'Indeed!'_ I heard chuckling in my head. _'Hmm... Do you think you're brave?'_

Do I think I'm brave? The question felt like a knife stabbed me in the gut. I knew the answer, but I didn't really want to admit it out loud even to a hat. And did it matter if I was brave as long as I made myself do what needed to be done anyways? That had to be enough.

I replied in a soft whisper, ashamed. ' _I want to be.'_

_'Why?'_

_'So I can make a difference in the world.'_ I meant it, as cheesy as it sounds.

 _'I think you'll find there are a lot of ways to make a difference in the world. I've decided._ '

_'Wait please-'_

"HUFFLEPUFF!" the hat yelled out loud.

I blinked confusedly then put the hat down and walked numbly to the table below the bright yellow and black banners. I tried to plaster a bland smile on my face as everyone clapped politely. The rest of the first year's sorting was a bit of a blur as a feeling of numbness set upon me.

I'd messed up. I'd messed up big and I wasn't even sure how. What did I say wrong? I thought the sorting hat would take into account your choices?! Was I just too much of a coward for Gryffindor? How was I going to help Harry all the way in Hufflepuff?

He didn't even remember most Hufflepuff's names!


	5. CHARMED4U

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Please, review. I appreciate any comments and criticism you can provide. Is the main character likable?

The house elves were really great cooks. I'm prone to eating my feelings anyways so stuffing my face was a welcome distraction. I was sitting at the end near a group of third year girls who were pretending I didn't exist (I'd forgotten how a couple of years really mattered when you were young) so I had plenty of time to get my wits about me. After I stuffed myself to bursting, the food disappeared and the students began standing up.

"First years, over here!"

I turned toward the voice and saw a tall boy with a mop of curly blonde hair and a gleaming prefect badge. "First years! Come this way!"

I stood up and walked over to the group gathering in front of the prefect. There were nine of us.

"Alright you lot. I'm Prefect Gabriel Truman. Follow me and we'll get you settled in. This way." He walked out of the room and we followed closely behind. He took us to the large marble staircase heading down. In front of us, I could see a Slytherin Prefect leading his group down the stairs as well. When we reached the bottom the Slytherins broke off and went left and our group went right.

We walked for about five minutes, passing extremely distracting tapestries, and paintings. We passed by a large painting of a bowl of fruit. I think that's the entrance to the kitchens where you have to tickle a pear to get in. Finally, we stopped next to a large stack of barrels. Each barrel was as tall as a full grown adult.

Gabriel made a show of looking left and then right. We were alone in the corridor. He held up a finger to his lips and then he tapped one of the barrels near the bottom toward the middle with his wand. Tap-Tap... Tap Tap Tap... The barrel swung open. He climbed inside and motioned us to follow. I was at the end of the line again and the lid closed behind me silently.

We followed Gabriel down an earthen corridor that sloped downwards slightly. The walls and floor were rough-hewn and worn as smooth as glass from centuries of hands and feet. Bright yellow jewels encased in the rock floor glowed faintly lighting our way.

The corridor opened into a wide, circular, and cheerful room. The furniture and tapestries were a pale yellow. The ceilings were low and cosy. Circular windows showed a scene "outdoors" of a field of rippling grass and flowers. Sunlight streamed through these windows. Even though I knew we were underground and the sun had set hours ago, the illusion was indistinguishable from reality. I wonder if the fake weather changes with the seasons?

There was a large hearth crackling with a fire. The chairs and couches strewn about the room were upholstered in yellow and black and looked ridiculously plushy. There were also quite a few plants in the room in burnished copper pots. I looked up and saw a few vines trawling from pots hanging from the ceiling. A few of the plants were dancing, and a germanium next to me sniffed me curiously.

So... Hufflepuffs are apparently hobbits.

"Welcome to the comfiest room in the castle!" Gabriel spread his arms wide and smiled. "I'm delighted to welcome you to Hufflepuff. Our chairs are plusher than any other dorm and are spelled to cool or warm depending on the weather. You'll be happy to know there's a bowl or plate of snacks in the center common room table at all times if you need a pick me up. I highly recommend the custard tarts! It's always warm and cosy in here no matter the weather. We don't get the cold drafts like the tower dorms nor the damp like the Slytherin dungeons."

Damn me. The snack thing DID make me happy.

"The head of our house is Professor Sprout. She's the Herbology teacher. She's very nice and laid back so don't hesitate to approach her if you need to."

Gabriel cleared his throat and took on a solemn expression. "Now, there's a few things you should know about Hufflepuff house. There's a myth that we're the least clever house." He scowled.

"It's a lie of course. Our emblem is the badger, an animal that is often underestimated. It lives quietly minding its own business until attacked and then it pounces!" Gabriel made a clawing motion with his hands.

"Unlike many other houses we don't boast about our accomplishments. We've had plenty of famous witches and wizards including scholars, and ministers. We know we're loyal, honest, trust worthy, and awesome. We don't have to brag about it. We don't pick fights. But we also protect our own. If anyone attacks one of us, they attack all of us. If one of you is in trouble, don't hesitate to ask any other Hufflepuff for help. And I expect the same from all of you. We look after each other. Always."

The other Hufflepuffs looked just as solemn and seemed to take this to heart. Us derps stay together I guess.

Gabriel made a point to look at each of us in turn. I tried to wipe the skeptical expression off my face when he came to me.

"Just a few more things then I'll let you get some sleep. To get into the dorms, tap the barrel two from the bottom middle of the second row in the rhythm, 'Helga Hufflepuff'. Do it wrong and you'll get doused with vinegar. In a thousand years, no outsider has ever seen the Hufflepuff dorms."

Or no one has snuck in and then blabbed about it...

"The dorms are numbered 1 to 7. Once you enter the first year dorms there will be two passageways. One for the girls and one for the boys. Boys and girls, don't try sneaking into each others dorms'! You'll get a nasty surprise."

Wayne Hopkins raised his hand. "What kind of surprise?"

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise."

"Oooh…" Wayne put his hand down.

"The wakeup bell chimes at 7am. Breakfast is from 7am to 8:30am. Classes start at 9am. Dorm curfew is at 9pm. It's up to you when to go to sleep. Make too much noise at your own peril. Last year, Danny and Higgs got stuck to the ceiling until morning for playing Exploding Snap at midnight." Gabriel handed us each a paper. "Here are your schedules. Until third year when you get electives, you change classes with your house. Any questions?"

We looked at each other. No one said anything.

"Alright. Goodnight then." Gabriel walked off into the circular door labeled 6.

We split up and walked into our dorms. The dorm was circular as well. It had dark aged wood floors, two circular windows, four-poster beds, and two additional doors. Every poster bed had a patchwork quilt.

I walked up to the doors and opened them. They were two identical bathrooms in white and yellow each had a fake skylight showing a beautiful blue sky. There was a large claw foot bathtub, a black and white tiled shower stall, and a two sink vanity. These bathrooms were NICE. What the hell Harry, how did you never mention how swanky these are?

Or are only the Hufflepuff bathrooms this nice?

I picked the bed closer to the window and flopped down. The bed was... ridiculously comfy. My bed quilt squares were made up of embroidered scenes of baby badgers doing cute things. The other three girls sat down and we all looked awkwardly at each other.

"Hi, I'm Kasey Thompson" I waved.

"I'm Susan Bones." Susan was a short girl with short red pigtails and freckles along her face.

"Hannah Abbot." Hannah had long straight blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

"E-Eloise Midgen." Eloise stammered out and gave another little awkward wave. Eloise was overweight and had a wild nest of black curls all around her face. She already had quite bad acne. "Are you an American?"

"Yeah, my parents moved here last year." I'm already tired of this question. Someday, I need to just spell my robes into an American flag and go around calling everyone 'ya-all' for shits and giggles.

"I didn't know Americans went to Hogwarts too." Eloise looked unsure.

"They don't usually," Hanna replied. "But if you've been living in Britain it makes sense you got a Hogwarts letter."

Eloise looked embarrassed. "Sorry, my parents are muggles. I'm still trying to learn all of this witch business... We have a sheep farm in Cumbria."

"It's okay. My parents are muggles too. They work in a computer company." And please don't ask me about any other intimate details.

Susan looked confused. "What's a computer?"

Uh... "They're muggle machines. They uh help them do math and such." I'm not entirely sure what computers would be doing in 1991. Probably banking stuff at least?

"Oh." Susan hopped off her bed and started to unpack her trunk. "My mum is a muggle but my father is a wizard. My grandparents are all dead though so I don't know much about muggle stuff. Mum doesn't have very many muggle things. She says she much prefers that the dishes wash themselves."

Hannah hopped off her bed and followed suit. "I'm half too. My father is the muggle in the family. He's a tailor. He's made me dresses before. He's really talented."

I got up off the bed and opened my trunk to grab a few things I needed to get ready to go to sleep. The other girls were doing the same. The stress and excitement of the day was starting to wear at me.

We took turns using the bathrooms. It wasn't really bad with two bathrooms between the four of us. When I came back out after brushing my teeth and changing into my pajamas, I saw Hannah putting up a poster on the wall next to our bed.

I walked around the room once again looking at everything carefully. I paused to look out the fake window. You could even see birds in the distance. There was also these weird flat copper pans hanging from the wall. They had long cloth covered handles.

"Are those bedpans?" I picked one off the wall. It was quite heavy.

Susan looked up from where she was arranging some things on her nightstand. "I think they're bed warmers."

"Huh, how do they work?" I carefully put the heavy bed warmer back on the wall.

Hannah paused in taping her poster. "You put them in the fireplace and then in a compartment under your bed. Don't muggles have bed warmers?"

"Can't you just spell the thing warm?"

Susan shook her head. "You're not supposed to do spells on clothing and bedding."

Well that was a dumb rule that was going to be immediately violated come winter.

Hannah taped the last corner of her poster and sat back to admire it.

Eloise walked over to get a closer look. "Whose that?"

Hannah looked shocked. "Only the most brilliant band in the world!"

The poster read in large pink sparkly letters CHARMED4U. Five teenaged boys were posing dramatically and in various stages of angst. Sometimes one would stop posing and break into dance.

Hannah pointed. "This one is Lance. He's the bad boy." Lance slicked back his hair and winked at her. "And this one is Danny. He's my favorite." Danny had the boy next door look. "This one's Nigel. He's smart." Nigel procured a complicated looking Arthimancy book from behind his back and started flipping through the pages. "Kyle is going to be a famous Quidditch player someday." Kyle didn't have a shirt on and was doing one-handed push-ups. "Billy is okay I guess." Billy was overweight and eating a sandwich for some reason. "I think his dad is their manager or something."

I stared in horrified awe.

Susan clapped her hands. "I've heard them on the Wireless! Have you heard their new single, 'Baby you've jinxed my heart'?""

Oh god what?

"Yeah! I think I like 'Brooms, Babes, and Bouquets' and 'Love is a dark art' better though." Hannah sighed longingly.

Hannah clambered on top of her bed and pressed a red circle in the corner of her poster. "Watch this!"

"OUR LOOOOOVE IS A DARK ART! Cuuuurrrsssed from the verrrry starrrt!" the poster belted out loudly. The boys from Charmed 4U started to dance in sync.

Eloise covered her ears. "Turn it off! I don't want to hang upside down all night!"

Hannah scrambled to hit the button again.

The poster muted and the boys stopped dancing and looked a little put out.

We all froze and looked around nervously, but no angry upperclassman materialized to glue us to the ceiling.

I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. "I'm going to go to bed before we end up getting turned into the new common room chandeliers." I climbed into bed and pulled my bed curtains shut and I could hear the rest of the girls doing the same.

Magic really did have a dark side.


	6. Desk Pigs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Please, read and review.

Morning was a harried affair as four girls tried to navigate an unfamiliar bathroom (at one point Hannah nearly filled one of the bathrooms with pink bubbles). Breakfast was delicious. I'm really going to have to be careful that I don't get fat. There was sausage, eggs, bacon, fruit, toast, and beans. The beans I found kind of odd. I know beans and toast is a British thing, but I'm not sure why people want to start their day off loading the fart cannon.

At one point, a hundred owls burst into the Great Hall and nearly made me choke on a piece of bacon. I never thought about this before, but the Great Hall must have some kind of charm on it to keep owls from pooping all over the place. That many birds indoors back in my home world would have carpet bombed the place white.

After I finished eating, I followed the rest of my classmates to our first class, Transfiguration. At least, I don't have Snape until the end of the day. I'm going to need some time to psyche myself up for that.

We only got lost once. After a painting of a young woman fighting trolls armed with only a frying pan gave us some helpful directions, we were on the right path again.

Finally, we reached the classroom. McGonagall's classroom was pretty sparse. She had a green blackboard up front and a few posters with complicated diagrams written on them. The only things on her desk were parchment and a nice quill set. The lack of photos seems kind of lonely? But maybe I'm wrong, and she just likes a clean working surface. Harry would have hardly known if McGonagall had a thriving social life.

On top of the desk, sat a black cat with white spectacle marks that I'm pretty sure was McGonagall in Animagus form.

I sat next to Eloise. I glanced over and saw she had an honest to God Lisa Frank trapper keeper. She shifted and I knew for sure she had a Lisa Frank trapper keeper because damn it, I had the exact same rainbow unicorn one as a kid. Eloise noticed I was looking at it and moved to hide it with her book.

"I never realized I would be the only one using regular notebooks here." She blushed. "I won't bring it tomorrow."

I frowned. "If you like it, who cares? I used to have the same one. I'm sure it will be okay."

I heard a giggle and could see out of the corner of my eye two Slytherin girls (Millicent and Daphne maybe?) were pointing at Eloise and giggling behind their hands. Eloise slumped in her seat and tried to hide her trapper keeper.

Before I could say anything else, Professor McGonagall jumped off the desk and transformed into a person. The room gasped. It was damn impressive. When she transformed it wasn't like muscle and sinew shifting into place, it was more like a swirl of colors.

McGonagall was wearing a black robe this time trimmed in red. Her black hair was streaked with gray and her posture was ram rod straight. She was really hitting that stereotypical British schoolmarm look hard.

McGonagall stopped in front of her desk.

"Hello, my name is Professor McGonagall. Transfiguration is one of the most difficult schools of magic and I expect only the best from each and every one of you. Misbehavior will be dealt with harshly, and I expect all homework to be turned in on time with no exception."

McGonagall silently regarded each of us for a moment before continuing. "Now before we begin let me clear up any possible misconceptions you may have about the nature of magic. Despite what many of you may have heard, no one is 'more magical' than any other. Magic permeates our very being and isn't centered in any one place in the body. Magic cannot be stolen or given. Either you have magic or you do not. Competency is achieved through hard work and discipline. You are all starting on equal footing and I will not tolerant any nonsense to the contrary."

I already knew people in this world didn't know any way to give a Muggle magic, but it's pretty daunting to hear from an expert that you're a living breathing impossibility.

"Now that we have cleared up any possible misconceptions let's get started." She waved her wand and turned her desk into a pig.

The pig looked indistinguishable from a regular pig. It even smelled like a pig.

"Transfiguration is capable of changing any object or creature in the world. Although the more complex the object or creature, the more difficult transfiguration becomes. It differs from charms in that charms add or take away aspects of an object while transfiguration seeks to change the very essence of that object."

The pig looked back and forth at us looking vaguely confused. Does it have piggy thoughts or does it think like a desk?

I raised my hand.

"Yes, Miss...?"

"Miss Thompson ma'am. Is the pig edible?"

McGonagall blinked and someone in the back of the classroom laughed. She narrowed her eyes and I rushed to explain myself before she thought I was cracking jokes.

"I ask because the first rule of Gamp's Law of Transfiguration states that food cannot be transfigured from something that isn't food. But if we killed the pig and then made sausage out of the pig would the sausage be edible?"

The pig trotted over to the front row and snuffled at a Slytherin boy's feet. The boy tried to move his feet out of the way of the pig's snout.

"Ah." McGonagall seemed to think this over. "There have been some debate among academic circles if Gamp's first law is truly a law at all or merely a result of being extremely difficult. Most items once transfigured will still have some aspect of their previous configuration. If a needle transformed from a piece of straw still smells like straw does it matter much? However, food will have to satisfy all of the senses. It must be nourishing, it must look like the food, it must have the correct taste and smell, and it must feel like the food. There have been wizards who have dedicated themselves to the transfiguration of a single food item. One could dedicate years to turning a quill into a carrot but would be no better at creating any other vegetables. So in essence, it remains impractical. Does that answer your question?"

I nodded. "Yes, thank you professor."

"Five points to Hufflepuff for a thoughtful question. Now if there are no other questions?" She paused but no one raised their hands. "Turn to page ten of your textbook and we shall begin today's lecture on basic wand forms."

So basically, you could eat desk pig but he'd taste like a desk. And maybe give you horrific stomach splinters. Good to know.

* * *

After class, the two giggling Slytherin girls from earlier rounded on Eloise in the hallway.

"Is that what Muggles think unicorns look like?" Millicent Bulstrode snorted. "It goes to show how little Muggle-borns know. I've bet you've never even seen a unicorn."

Another Slytherin girl beside her giggled.

Eloise was looking hard at the ground. "Well no but…"

A third Slytherin girl joined the group and the three giggled like some evil hive mind entity.

"Millicent, you can't expect her to know any better." The third girl, I think it was Pansy, flipped her long dark hair over her shoulder. "She practically lived like a savage." She grinned evilly. "It looks like you had plenty to eat though."

I walked up to them. I wasn't going to stand for any bullying let alone disrespecting Lisa Frank.

McGonagall got there before me.

"Is something keeping you from walking to your next class?" She looked imperiously over her spectacles at the group of girls.

The Slytherin girls put on fake crocodile smiles.

"No Professor!" Pansy smiled sweetly and then walked off. Her minions followed behind.

I walked up to Eloise. She looked on the verge of tears.

McGonagall turned towards Eloise. "Is there something you would like to tell me?"

"No professor. We were just talking." Eloise looked at the ground. "They didn't do anything."

I snorted. "Other than be mean little bitches." I clamped my hand over my mouth. I didn't mean to say that out loud!

I thought I saw the corner of McGonagall's mouth twitch, but I may have imagined it. "Ten points from Hufflepuff for inappropriate language Miss Thompson. I don't want to hear the like from you again, or I will assign you a detention. Is that clear?"

"Yes professor!" I exclaimed and tried to look contrite instead of just annoyed. Ugh. This kid approved language thing is going to be hard to adjust to.

McGonagall turned her back on us and Eloise and I scurried away to catch up to the rest of the Hufflepuff group.

There goes those points I earned...

* * *

Herbology was next. The green houses looked very similar to their Muggle counterparts, but larger and grander. The ceilings were twenty feet high and the walls were all made of crystal clear glass. Plants floated along the glass walls. I could see at the top there was a little balcony area with more plant specimens and I thought I saw a small office area.

Professor Sprout was waiting for us in the center of the room. She was a portly woman with wild springy brown hair wearing a green stained smock. She beamed at all of us as we filed in.

"I'm Professor Sprout and welcome to Herbology! I'm not one for lengthy speeches, so let's get to it! You'll find that magical plants benefit from many of the same techniques as non-magical plants. For the first week, we will be practicing basic pruning, potting, and fertilizing soils."

Professor Sprout waved her wand and nine potted roses appeared. The roses in the pots glowed a brilliant cerulean blue.

"Night roses are a true blue rose and were specially bred by wizards to glow in the dark. They're great for beginners. You simply have to prune the dead buds and re-pot them." She demonstrated. "Make sure to start at the bottom. Watch out for the thorns! Find a partner and let me know if you have any questions."

Everyone partnered up. I partnered with Hannah, mostly because she was standing right beside me. I would have liked to partner with Harry. We didn't have a lot of classes with the Gryffindors. Ron and Harry seemed glued to the hip though and had been whispering back and forth since they got here.

After a few moments, everyone but Hermione was paired up. There was an odd number of students in class and Hermione was the odd one out. Many of the Gryffindor's were avoiding eye contact with her.

"Over here Hermione!" I waved. "You can partner with us."

Hermione smiled shyly and walked up to us. Surely, she won't try to boss us around that badly.

Five minutes later, I realized I was very wrong.

"You should really start pruning at the very bottom." Hermione pointed at my plant.

I squinted at my plant. "I am at the bottom."

"That's more like second to the bottom. This one is definitely the start of the bottom."

There was a bud farther down I missed. I snipped it. "Thanks…"

We snipped a few more.

"You have to make your cuts at a forty-five degree angle. That's not quite it. Like this." Hermione made a few snips on her rose bush.

Hannah rolled her eyes behind Hermione's back.

We pruned dutifully for a few minutes.

"You're missing two dead buds here and here." Hermione pointed at my plant.

I wasn't even done...

"You know, we should really be sealing the ends to prevent cane borers." Hermione suggested.

Sprout hadn't told us to do that...

We began re-potting the night roses.

"You aren't packing in your plant quite snugly enough." Hermione demonstrated. Again.

Hannah's left eye was twitching.

I'd had my own vegetable garden off and on for years longer than Hermione had been alive. "Actually you shouldn't pack it in too tightly. The soil needs to stay aerated so the plant doesn't have to struggle too much to grow."

Hermione's eye widened. She didn't seem put off by the correction at all though to her credit. "Ah, I didn't realize that."

"My grandparents had a vegetable garden. I had my own small plot of tomatoes when I was younger." All true, for once.

She backed off after that, and we all made small talk about our lives back home and what classes we were looking forward to. I mostly listened and kept my fake backstory to a minimum. Herbology seemed like it was going to be pretty relaxing once Hermione cools her jets a bit and stops pestering us to death.

* * *

After Herbology was over, the rest of the Hufflepuff girls and I walked together to the Great Hall for lunch or "dinner" as my roommates confusedly called it.

"Let's never do that again." Hannah shifted her book bag on her shoulder and rolled her eyes.

"Do what?" I asked absently. I think we're going the right way? That painting looked familiar?

"Work with Hermione Granger! What else? I wanted to find some Devil's Snare and choke myself to death." Hannah mimed getting hung by a noose.

"Was she really that bad?" Susan frowned.

"It's our first day! She doesn't know that much more than us AND she was mug-" She cut off and glanced at me and Eloise. "Anyways, she was such a busy body. I thought class would never end."

"I don't think she realizes how she's coming off." I feel kind of sorry for her even if she was annoying me too. "Maybe she feels like she has to prove herself. I know I feel like I've got a lot to catch up on, too."

Hannah's expression softened. "You'll catch up! You're not that behind really. Pureblood kids aren't allowed wands until they're eleven just like the rest of us." Hannah turned toward Susan. "You got to work next to Harry Potter! What was he like?"

Susan shrugged. "He seemed pretty normal to me."

Eloise looked confused. "Harry Potter who?"

"The dark haired boy working next to us. The one with the scar?" Susan pointed to her forehead.

Hannah gasped. "You saw his scar?"

"It looked like a lightning bolt." Susan shrugged again.

Eloise looked even more confused. "What's so special about Harry Potter?"

Hannah raised her eyebrows. "He defeated You Know Who as a baby!"

"Actually, I don't know who." Eloise looked annoyed. "And how does someone defeat anyone as a baby? Was it some sort of accident?"

Eloise definitely thought everyone was having her on.

Hannah looked around and then leaned forward. "You Know Who was a dark wizard about eleven years ago who killed a lot of people. He might even rule Britain right now if Harry hadn't stopped him."

"How does a baby defeat a dark wizard? Did he float around in his crib waving a wand in his chubby little baby fist?" I asked.

I couldn't help but laugh at the mental image. I knew the answer of course, but everyone believing the idea IS pretty absurd.

Hannah opened her mouth to retort, but Susan answered instead. "I always wondered that myself. I've got a baby brother and all he does is cry and need his nappies changed. Harry must have some special power?"

"No one knows how he survived, but he did. Whatever he did also vanquished the Dark Lord! He's famous. Everyone in the wizarding world knows his name. He is the only one who has ever survived the killing curse in all of history. He's a real hero."

Eloise's eyes widened. "Wow, someone like that is our classmate?"

"I wonder if his autograph is worth anything?" I joked.

Hannah made a face like she was taking my joke seriously. "Do you think he'd sign anything if we asked?"

"Uh no, let's not do that." I smirked. "If you kept staring at him he probably thought you liked him Susan."

Susan frowned. "I wasn't staring that much!"

Hannah looked wistful. "Mrs. Potter has such a nice ring to it."

Susan glared. "I don't have a crush on Harry!"

Eloise patted Susan's shoulder. "You weren't staring all that much."

"Maybe Ron thought you fancied him instead?" I couldn't help adding.

Susan didn't look too happy about that either. Eloise and Hannah giggled. A moment later, we arrived at the Great Hall and Susan was saved from further embarrassment.

* * *

Our last class of the day was Potions which I was rather dreading. It's not that I'm particularly afraid of Snape or anything. Knowing that under all his assholeness he's just a sad, pathetic, broken man curbs a lot of his bite. I also don't expect to learn much in class. If I'm going to become at all competent in potions, I'm going to have to set aside some time to do some outside reading and brewing.

No, I'm more worried about keeping my mouth shut if he's picking on any of my roommates or makes some kid cry. Hopefully, he saves his best vitriol for Harry's class. The Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff potion's class is probably his down time; like his hate is just at a low simmer or something.

The potion room was divided into two sections. One side had a blackboard and desks and the other had raised platforms for brewing potions. There was also a series of sinks along the far wall. We found our seats quickly. Snape wasn't here yet, but there wasn't much time to spare.

The classroom door banged against the wall as Snape swooped in. His long quick strides got him to the front of the classroom in seconds. He turned on his heel abruptly and glared at the class.

I was startled at how young the guy was. Definitely younger than Alan Rickman. I suppose before my de-aging we would have been the same age. The guy was much less attractive than Alan Rickman too. His hook nose was quite pronounced and his greasy hair was badly in need of a trim. There were dark circles underneath his eyes. He looked like he just came off a bender, honestly.

"I doubt any of you will appreciate the subtle art of potion making. Transforming a simple pile of ingredients into a powerful concoction takes patience, an attention to detail, and talent. You could learn how to bottle fame, manufacture luck, and even defy death itself. If you're not as hopelessly incompetent as most students I'm forced to teach. Which I highly doubt."

I could see many of the Ravenclaw's faces go mutinous at that last bit. Way to piss off half the class in a few sentences Snape.

Snape picked up the first year potion book and flipped it towards the back.

What the hell? The potions in that book were arranged in order of increasing difficulty.

"Turn to page 302." He waved his wand on the board and instructions appeared. "Attempt to brew me a Carpatheon Stinging Nettle Antidote and I shall see how disappointed you make me. You have an hour and a half. Do not pair up." He shut the book with a snap.

No additional instructions or demonstrations on how to prepare the ingredients? Half the time the book says 'refer to your Professor' for more detailed preparation instructions! Ugh. I don't even know why I'm getting upset. I knew this kind of shit was going to happen.

I really hope I don't blow myself up...

Half an hour later, I hadn't blow myself up. My potion was orange, but it wasn't the correct shade of orange. The book specified a more reddish-orange. Mine was more safety vest orange. Others had done better and worse. Eloise's was an ominous bubbling purple mass that I was rather nervous being next too.

Most of the Ravenclaws still looked furious. One of the Hufflepuff boy's (Kevin?) potion looked exactly correct, but he didn't look happy about it for some reason.

Snape sat up from his desk and loomed over each of us in turn. He then banished our potions after giving each of us some "feedback."

"Too many salamander spleens!"

"Did you even read the directions?"

The Ravenclaw he just berated clinched his hand tightly on his scalpel and I thought for a wild second that he was going to stab Snape with it.

Snape moved to his next victim.

"Why did you add blue scales instead of red? Do you not know basic colors?"

He loomed over me. "You cut the goldfish heart diagonally instead of horizontally!"

I frowned. That hadn't been in any of the directions.

He moved on to Eloise. "You're lucky you didn't kill us all with the toxic flames!"

Eloise looked like she was about to cry.

He moved on.

"You stirred half a turn too much!"

"Not enough mouse blood!"

"You let it simmer too long!"

"I don't even know what this is. Were you even on the right page?"

Snape paused in front of Kevin. "I see someone bothered to do the reading before hand. 1 point to Hufflepuff."

Kevin looked even angrier and was noticeably biting his lip.

Snape finished berating the rest of the class before finally making his way to the front of the class room.

"I see that I was right to not expect much from any of you. I want six inches detailing the proper preparations of every ingredient in the potion you brewed today due next class. You are dismissed."

I gathered up my things as quickly as possible and caught up to Kevin in the hallway.

"Congratulations on doing well on your potion."

Kevin paused and looked up at me. He was quite small for his age and looked startled at having been addressed. "Oh thank you, but it's not something to be proud of. My dad is an apothecary. I've been helping him prepare ingredients since I was small." He scowled. "There were instructions missing! Of course, everyone else had problems."

"Oh. That makes me feel a little better. I couldn't figure out where I'd went wrong."

"Father had heard that potions class had become subpar since the last professor had retired, but he thought it was just children's gossip. When I owl him tonight I'm going to let him know what's really going on." Kevin sighed. "Father is going to assign me some extra work to keep up with his standards I'm sure of it."

"I guess if I have any potions questions you'll be the guy to ask eh?"

Kevin's eyes widened. "S-sure if you want. I don't mind."

"Awesome! Thanks! And if I turn out to be good at something you can ask me for help too. Us Hufflepuffs look out for each other right?"

Kevin smiled. "Yeah."

"I'm going to head off and so some homework. I'll see you later in the common room."

"Homework? It's the first day."

"Yeah so?"

Kevin shook his head. "See you later."

* * *

After all of the preemptive studying I'd forced upon myself this summer, I was able to knock out my essays pretty quickly. I also had an English degree so I can bullshit an essay with the best of them, but unlike the ones I did in college these actually had factual information in them. I was so ridiculously lazy when I was younger. Had I been sorted then, I definitely wouldn't have made it into the 'hard working' house.

I stretched out on my bed and took a few minutes to just relax. I had about 15 minutes before I needed to head to dinner. I really needed this time to just deconstruct. I glanced around the room. There was a stuffed black and white dog on Eloise's bed. She'd put a Muggle photograph on her nightstand of herself with I assume her dad and four older brothers. Her brothers were big corn-fed hulks of men. They all looked like six foot tall body builders. In the background, you could see sheep grazing. Did her brothers power lift sheep all day or what?

Susan's area was still pretty bare.

Hannah still appeared to be in the midst of decorating. She'd come in earlier and unpacked some neon pink throw pillows for her bed. They clashed badly with the rest of the room. Above her bed, the CHARMED4U boys were having a picnic lunch on their poster. They had a red and white checkered blanket and picnic basket and everything. As I watched Lance turned towards me, made eye contact and mouthed-

I blinked. There's no way he just said that.

Lance sneered silently and mouthed again, 'Mudblood'.

What the hell?! I jumped up and walked over to the poster, but the poster boy had already went back to eating a sandwich.

I know I didn't imagine that.

* * *

At lunch, I made sure to sit next to Hannah.

"So that poster you have is very unusual." I wasn't sure how to broach the subject. Are CHARMED4U horrible racists? Do you like a Muggle-born hating boy band?

Hannah swallowed a mouthful of chips. "I know! Did you see them eating? They're supposed to go on holiday sometimes too. The newsletter said they can go water skiing in the summer!"

"Are any of them Muggle-born?" I took a bite of a lemon tart.

"No. I think their parents are all witches and witches. Why do you ask?"

So yeah she has no idea.

"No, reason. I was just wanted to learn more about them. They're just so uh, dreamy."

Dreamy? Am I cast member of Grease now?

Hannah's eyes lit up. "Oh I'm an official member of their fanclub! I know all about them! I was thinking of starting a local Hogwarts chapter. You should join! We only need four members for an official chapter. You get an official pin and hair clip and subscribed to their newsletter and-"

Hannah kept going for longer than I thought possible. I ate my lemon tart slowly reminding myself I was in a amazing magical place full of wonder.

"-And Danny's favorite color is baby blue because it matches his eyes. Billy's favorite sandwich is pastrami but Nigel's favorite is tuna. Last month, when they went on tour they accidently ate each other's sandwiches! It was so funny! But it was okay cause they made up because they're such good friends."

"Uh huh."

I'm in a place full of arcane knowledge that I can learn and mysteries of the universe I can unlock...

"-Kyle can do 300 sit-ups! Can you believe it? His dad is a professional Quadpot player, but Kyle's real love is-"

"Uh huh."

And the Room of Requirement is here too. That's cool right? I have to check it out soon.

"-And that's how they solved the mystery of Black Bird Cove. I'll give you the application when we get back to our room!"

"Uh uh."

"I can't wait for our first Charmed4U meeting!"

Wait what?

"Uh…"

"We can all wear our matching t-shirts on the weekend!"

NO.

Hannah shook me and squealed. "Oh this will be so much fun!"

no...

* * *

That night with a heavy heart, I signed the application to be a member of the Charmed4U Fanclub. The sparkly pink paper and heart covered envelope mocked me. The other three girls were easily convinced to sign theirs and our dark pact was sealed. The fools. They know not what they do.

I went to sleep that night with glitter on my hands.

Before I shut my eyes, I swore I saw poster Danny mouth one word.

'Mudblood'.


	7. Unicorns and Rainbows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Please, read and review.

I kept my eye on the racist boy band poster while getting ready this morning but the little bastards were sly. They didn't mouth a single insult while we were all in the room. Breakfast passed in a blur and soon we were all filing into the Charms classroom.

I liked the classroom immediately. It was located in one of the castles turrets and had wide bay windows on each side in which bright morning sunlight streamed in. There were motivational posters with delightful puns all about the room. Stacks of teetering books were strewn all around. Professor Flitwick's desk was in front of our desks on a raised dais. Stacks of books underneath the desk and chair propped it up even further.

Flitwick wasn't wearing wizarding robes today. Instead he wore a purple suit with shirt tails. His bright white hair was slicked neatly. He had his hands on his hips and was smiling broadly at us while we filed into the room. As soon as we were all seated, he cleared his throat and began.

"Welcome to the wonderful world—" He snapped his fingers and a dozen rainbows appeared in the air above us. "OF CHARMS!"

We oooohed and ahhhed.

"You'll find that charms is the most versatile magical discipline of them all! With charms you can cheer up a friend, stop a deadly spell, forge a ring of great power, and make a cheese toasty in five seconds flat!"

Sir, you had me at rainbows.

"We could go over theory today but that's what homework is for! Let's do some magic instead! Everyone pair up and I'll show you your first charm, Repente!"

I looked beside me at Susan. We made eye contact, shrugged, and stayed put. Some of the other kids shuffled around. After we had settled, Flitwick climbed up a large stack of books. The stack didn't teeter at all like it was super glued together.

"Repente is a very simple beginning charm that makes objects 'bounce'! It doesn't have much practical application, but it has one of the simplest wand movements and very little consequences if done incorrectly. I've found that it's a great learning tool. The wand movement is only one small circle!" Flitwick demonstrated. "Give it a try!"

He demonstrated several more times, giving us all a chance to repeat the movements after him.

"Here are your feathers." He gestured with his wand and feathers flew out of a box next to his desk and landed in front of each of us. "Do your best! We'll be going over this again in a few weeks, so don't be too hard on yourselves if it's tricky. Just try your best everyone!"

I stared at my feather. Crap... this is the first time I've actually intentionally tried to do magic isn't it? How did I not try before bed last night? What if nothing happens? I've only done magic technically once in my entire life and that was on accident.

I took a deep breathe.

No, don't panic. You can do this. The sorting hat said you were a witch.

I focused on the feather, did the wand movement, and aimed all the will I could muster onto the feather.

"Repente!"

There was a sudden woosh and I felt my hair blow back. I opened my eyes and my feather was... gone.

"What the he-err heck?"

Susan tapped me on the shoulder and pointed upwards.

I looked up and saw that my feather was embedded firmly into the stone ceiling. That... wasn't what I had been intending to do at all.

"Excellent!" Flitwick was staring at the ceiling as well.

I blinked. "Excellent?"

"Now, try one more time with much less 'oommph'! Perhaps, only ten percent 'ooomph'?" Flitwick chuckled.

I tried again, but also tried not to put much effort into it. It was weirdly difficult.

The feather bounced five feet in the air and then floated back down.

I did it! I'm not a fraud!

"Excellent Miss Thompson! Ten points for Hufflepuff for being the first one to get it right!"

I saw over my shoulder that behind Flitwick, Hermione Granger was bouncing her feather up and down perfectly. She looked over at me annoyed.

* * *

I yawned. History of Magic made my brain hurt.

The class was even more boring than the book made it seem and history had always been one of my favorite subjects. I've already read the book for this year and taken notes during the summer so I guess I'll just review those come test time. I could supplement with whatever outside reading I found interesting. History of Magic was now my unofficial study hall session.

Defense Against the Dark Arts had been strangely uneventful. Professor Quirrel was a very lackluster teacher. He just lectured directly from the book. I already read the book so it was pretty boring. I wasn't about to slack off there like in History of Magic though. I wanted to blend in with the crowd and bring no attention to myself. Logically, I know there's no reason for Quirrel/Voldemort to read some random Hufflepuff's mind, but I think I'll play this safe. I won't be raising my hand to answer a single question this semester or asking any questions.

At least class was finally over for the day, and I have free time to visit the library. And the place did not disappoint.

Oh the books. They're glorious. Wall to wall books. Book shelves so high you needed to climb a ladder to reach the top shelf. A place just bursting with history and magical knowledge.

If only seven years was enough time to read them all.

I wandered the aisles for a half hour just gazing at spines. Apparently, you were only allowed to check out five books at once (a tragically small number). I suppose I could be doing my homework first, but eh there's plenty of time for that after dinner. Speaking of which, I better actually get some books to check out so I don't miss dinner.

Hmm, does Hogwarts have a card catalogue? I suppose they might not and just randomly sort their books. I wouldn't be surprised.

I walked up to Ms. Pince and cleared my throat.

"Excuse me. Do you know where the card catalogue is?"

Ms. Pince looked up from the book she had been reading at the front desk. Her thin bird like face twisted into a scowl. "It's over there by the section of magical creatures." She pointed a long finger nail to the left. Her nails had been sharpened into points. "I am very busy. Do not interrupt me again."

She went back to her book.

Worst librarian ever.

I walked over to the card catalogue. Or what I thought was the card catalogue. It looked like a blank wall with numbers on it. I couldn't see any seams for the drawers. The wall was smooth wood stained dark with age and reached twenty feet to the ceiling.

I took a few steps back, but I couldn't see any buttons, levers, or handles at the top either. I walked back up and tapped it with my wand. Nothing.

Did Ms. Pince just lie to me to get me to go away?

A Hufflepuff upper classmen in a nearby table looked up from her book and looked directly at me. "You just need to speak to it."

"Oh thank you."

"You're welcome." The upperclassman went back to her book.

Huh, the older Hufflepuff's really will help you if you need it.

I leaned forward toward the card catalog and whispered. "I would like books on animagi, shield charms and Occlumency please."

Several drawers of the card catalogue opened on their own accord and a handful of cards floated down to me. I reached out and plucked them from the air.

Ten of the white cards were about shield charms and two were about animagi. The Occlumency card and one of the animagi cards were black with silver writing.

"Bad luck that." The upperclassmen was watching me again. "Black cards mean they are in the restricted section. You won't be able to get them without a teachers note, and they hardly ever give restricted section passes to first years."

"Oh. Well that's disappointing. Thanks." I held out the two black cards to the card catalogue. "Here you can have these back." I wasn't sure if that would work, but the card catalogue seemed to understand me and the black card drifted up and went back into a drawer near the top.

Thwarted again. This was getting ridiculous. I understand a Legilmency book being in the restricted section but how could Occlumency be dangerous? Are they trying to protect the kiddies from meditating too hard? I WILL get a book on Occlumency somehow!

At least, there was an animagi book that I could check out. The black card animagi book looked to be an actual instruction manual so it's obvious why that's restricted. The other book seemed to be more about history and general knowledge. Hopefully, it'll have the information I need.

I picked out four shield charm books that seemed promising, and gave the other cards back to the catalog.

It took me a bit to find the Transfiguration section. The books were definitely organized in some sort of system, but it didn't remind me of the Dewey Decimal system at all. After nearly ten minutes of wandering around, I finally found it. I reached out to pull the book from the shelf and it... resisted?

I pulled harder.

"Excuse me. I was here first."

I looked up and saw that Hermione also had her hand on the same book. I didn't let go.

"I think we were here at the same time, but I really need this book." I pulled again but she didn't let go.

"Need? What for? Don't be absurd. You were wanting it for the same reason I was."

Saving a man unjustly accused and sent to Azkaban? I highly doubt it kid.

"And what reason was that?" I asked incredulously.

"You were interested in animagi after seeing Professor McGonagall transform." She tugged again. "Obviously."

"You can have it after I'm done. Let go! I'll even let you know when I bring it back!" I tugged again.

"You let go, I was here first!"

"No! You let go!"

"You let go!"

"QUIET IN THE LIBRARY!" Madam Pince yelled from the front. "OR YOU BOTH WILL BE BANNED!"

Hermione and I both dropped the book in shock over the horror of being banned from the library. I recovered first though, grabbed the book, and dashed out of the Transfiguration section.

I took a few random turns and looked back but she didn't seem to be pursuing me.

Well that was freaking ridiculous. I almost got banned from a magical library on my second day of magic school because I was fighting with an eleven year old. Is this eleven year old body making me dumber?

I picked out two basic books on shield charms that looked promising (Shield Charms For Beginners and Shield Charms for Every Occasion). I started to make my way back to the front desk. On the way, I passed by Hermione again. She was reading "Preparing Potion Ingredients: A Step by Step Guide". She gave me a death glare over the massive tome and then slunk back again behind it.

Jeez-la-wheeze kid. You'll get the book back in a few days.

Hmm, actually, there's something else I really need to check. I walked back to the other end of the library and stopped in front of the card catalogue. It was a longshot but it couldn't hurt to check.

I walked up and whispered, "Show me any books you have about Alice Viatorium."

To my surprise, the very top drawer opened and two black cards and one white card floated down to me. I caught them. One black card was entitled, "Speculorum Theory and the Transference of Animarum Energy."

And the white card was... huh…

A ten year old issue of the Quibbler.

* * *

I looked up Flitwick's rainbow creation spell that night (Creo Iris). It was in the second year Charms textbook, but it wasn't too complicated and only took a few tries to get right. After learning, I reclined on my bed for a half an hour just creating rainbows above my bed over and over. Using magic was just sheer JOY. There's nothing like creating beauty from nothingness.

Hannah came in after I had just about filled the area of my bed with tiny rainbows and begged to learn the charm too. The spell was pretty simple to show to her as well, and we then spent the next fifteen minutes rainbow-fying everything in our dorm.

Susan walked in and gasped. "What have you done?"

"Creo Iris!" I called out. A rainbow sprung from my wand and floated above one of the bathtubs. I'll have the most relaxing bubble bath ever tonight! "It wears off in a couple of days."

Turning a charm into a permanent enchantment was a bit too complicated for me right now.

"Isn't it beautiful? Creo Iris!" Hannah finished creating a rainbow chain around the canopy of her bed.

Susan looked nonplussed. "Haven't you created enough rainbows yet?"

"I don't understand the words that you speak." I added a little rainbow above my school trunk. "What is 'too many rainbows'?"

Hannah cast Creo Iris above her nightstand. "You can never have too many rainbows."

Susan sat down on her bed and rolled her eyes. "Well now we have the tackiest dorm room in the entire school."

"What does this word 'tacky' mean?" I cast Creo Iris and tried to see if I could tie the rainbow in a bow. "Is it British slang for awesome?"

"Yes." Hannah answered and kept looking for a rainbow-less spot to cast again.

Eloise walked in, stood transfixed for a moment, and then burst out laughing. "It's beautiful!"

Susan groaned.

* * *

Before I knew it Friday had come and with it, our first flying lessons.

I've not been looking forward to flying lessons. I've never been fond of heights. When I was a teenager the first time around, I could make myself get on rollercoasters and such. However, as I got older the anti-heights thing got worse. I did not look forward to the only thing protecting me from splattering on the ground being a thin wooden stick. And worse, my control over said thin wooden stick. Hell, I don't even like going up stairs that have empty gaps between the steps.

Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws were gathered in a big clearing outside of the castle. The sky was gray and overcast but it was still pretty warm.

Madam Hooch strode into the clearing and I was startled by how freakin OLD she was. She was WAY older than the movie version of Madam Hooch. She was Dumbledore's age or older. Her wrinkles had wrinkles and her hair was the traditional short haired curly gray grandma mop. She seemed spry though as walked towards us.

"Hello my name is Madam Hooch. For many of you this will be your first flying lesson. I will NOT tolerate any acting out or tomfoolery. I have already had one injury this year and I will not have another one. You will get on your brooms when I tell you, you will get off your brooms when I tell you, and if for any reason I have to leave for a moment and one of you dares to get on your brooms I will have you in detention for the rest of the year! Is that clear?"

Unless we're good fliers, then we get to be on a Quidditch team.

Madam Hooch scowled. "IS THAT CLEAR?" Madam Hooch's yellow eyes narrowed at us.

"Yes!" we all chorused loudly.

I wonder where she gets the yellow eyes from? Is it some kind of rare magical ability? Failed Animagus transformation?

"Good. Now flying can be wonderful and exhilarating, but it is also very dangerous. We shall start slowly." She waved her wand and a shed further down the field burst open and brooms came shooting out. One broom landed directly in front of each of us. "Now first thing is to command your broom to your hand. Hold your hand over the broom and say Up."

I held my hand over the broom. "Up."

It… wiggled slightly? Maybe?

I tried again. "Up."

It half halfheartedly rolled over.

"Up!" It rolled back the other way.

Oh come on. I could see half of the class had gotten their brooms in their hands. Susan was sitting along astride hers beside me.

"Uuuuup! Up!" My broom raised a half inch and then fell back again.

Fine! MAXIMUM EFFORT! "UP!"

The broom raised up and smacked me in the head. Hard.

My ears were ringing and I was seeing stars.

"Thompson!" Madam Hooch strolled over and grabbed my head and turned it to the side then waved her wand. The ringing and stars faded. "Just a little concussion. You're fine now." She moved on to another student.

I eyed my broom balefully. "Up?" My broom wobbled a bit.

Ten minutes later, I finally got my broom in my hand. I was the last to get it up. The rest of the class had long finished and I had the pleasure of struggling while they impatiently waited on me.

Madam Hooch demonstrated the proper broom mounting technique and form. I tried my best to copy her, but I felt really awkward and vulnerable to gravity.

"Now raise about five feet and then lower again on my whistle. Go up!" She blew her whistle.

I raised about five feet in the air. The front of my broom handle wobbled up and down as I struggled to get control over it.

"Lower!" Madam Hooch blew her whistle again.

I made my wobbly way down and when I was about two feet from the ground my broom rolled over until my back was on the ground. I tried to roll back around, couldn't get it to go, and just gave up and fell to the ground. Some of the class giggled.

"You're fine Thompson! Get on up and let's do it again."

I brushed the grass from my knees. I AM getting up you old yellow eyed bitch.

"Repeat the drill again at your own pace until I tell you to stop!" Madam Hooch blew her whistle and we repeated the drill several more times. I didn't fall off my broom again, but I was far from graceful.

"Your grip is wrong." Susan floated next to me. "You've got such a tight grip it's thinking you want to make constant sharp turns. Try to loosen it up a bit."

I very reluctantly loosened my grip. I started to fly a little bit smoother but it took my constant concentration not to have a death grip on my broom. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Susan glided gracefully up and down. A few times she didn't even use her hands. "You'll catch up. A lot of us grew up with toy brooms. Even if they're spelled not to go very high they still work the same way."

"Thanks." I doubt I'm ever going to be a good flier unless I learn how to sprout wings. Hell, I was by far the worse kid in the class. I bet I'm even worse than Neville.

"Alright you're getting it. Now on my whistle, raise about twenty feet." Madam Hooch blew her whistle.

Higher?! Ugh. I took a deep breath and raised what felt like twenty feet. I kept my eyes on the handle of my broom. My knuckles were turning white. I tried to relax my grip again.

"All the way Thompson!" Madam Hooch sighed. "There's no reason to be afraid of flying."

I'm not afraid of flying I'm afraid of falling and dying!

I looked over and saw that everyone else was about twice as high as me. I reluctantly raised up until I was even with Susan. Susan gave me an encouraging smile. I tried to focus on a distant tree behind her instead of the ground, but then I realized it was the TOP OF THE TREE and it didn't help.

"Now, while there are nuances in every broom, steering left or right is simple. You simply have to lean in and..." Madam Hooch kept going and going... God, is she going to lecture while we're up here?

"...And when I was a lass we didn't have cushioning charms and…" Madam Hooch droned on.

Yes... yes she is.

After the longest lecture in the history of all time and space, the class finally floated back down and class was over.

I wiped a bead of sweat from my forehead. "Thanks for the advice Susan. I guess I don't have a future as a professional Quidditch player." I chuckled darkly. I'll just apparate everywhere. Or buy a freakin car. "I bet you've got to practice a lot at home."

Susan shrugged. "I had a toy broom growing up. My parents won't let me have a real broom though. They say it's too dangerous."

"Oh sorry."

"They say that about a lot of things." Susan sighed.

My mother, my REAL mother, had been very overprotective too. I wasn't even allowed to have a hammer and nails as a kid to try to build a clubhouse because I would "break my thumb" or whatever. Every time I tried to learn to cook I could potentially "burn the house down" according to my father. It took months of begging to get karate lessons. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't that I was incompetent at everything, it was that my parents were afraid.

That doesn't really fit my fake hands-off computer programming parents though, so I kept the thought to myself.

"Well if you want to do something, do it any way. Your parents aren't here right?"

"That's true." Susan looked thoughtful. "And we are allowed to borrow the school brooms after flying lessons are over..."

"Well I thought you were a good flyer. You enjoy it right?"

Susan looked wistful. "It's the best."

"Are you thinking about joining the Quidditch team?"

Susan laughed. "My parents would splinch themselves if I did!"

"That's not a no."

"They don't even let first years try out."

"Huh, that's funny. I heard Harry Potter is the new seeker for the Gryffindor team."

"What?! That's not fair!"

"Yeah definitely favoritism-Wait where are you going?"

Susan was already stomping off back to Madam Hooch. "If Gryffindor first years get to be on the team," Susan yelled over her shoulder back to me, "Then we should at least get to try out!"

I watched for a moment as Susan and Madam Hooch seemed to get into a spirited discussion. When it became apparent they were going to be chatting for a while, I walked off back to the Hufflepuff common room. Was Susan on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team in the books? I honestly have no idea.

* * *

The common room really did have soft chairs. I found a nice out of the way nook to read that had a plump footstool and small table beside it. I'd even discovered there were beverage taps embedded into the wall near the fireplace that dispensed water, milk, and butterbeer. So I was super comfy, I had a snack (the snacks on the snack table refilled themselves!) and some warm butterbeer. The Hufflepuff common room is wonderfully ridiculous.

We may be a bunch of derps, but by God are we comfy.

The old issue of the Quibbler I'd gotten at the library was faded with age and several of the pages were disturbingly sticky. The entire issue was dedicated to 'History's Greatest Mysterious Mysteries'. There was an article about the Curse of the Siren's Song (a pirate ship that can think for itself), The Deathly Hallows, Excalibur, Ynaka the Undying, The Mirror of the Morai, and the fortune of Alice Vivatorium.

The articles were half the basic legends and half way-out there conjecture. I was ready to completely disregard the conjecture until coming to the Deathly Hallows article. The author, Pandora Lovegoood (Luna's mother?), was dead on about her theory that Grindelwald was once the wielder of the elder wand. Other theories in the issue were less plausible. I'm pretty sure Queen Elizabeth doesn't use Excalibur to butter her scones every morning.

Alice Viatorium, I learned was a famous arthimancer from the early 20th century. She invented several formulas they still use today and her work on dimensional expansion charms was revolutionary. She was also at one time the richest person in the wizarding world. She made her fortune from currency trading between various wizarding currencies and Muggle currencies. She was reported to have had a literal mountain of gold that she hoarded in a castle in the Alps.

The currency trading pissed off the goblins enough that they apparently started one of their rebellions solely on being salty about the whole incident. At the time of the article, the goblins still had a multi-million bounty out for her capture despite the fact that she would be a very old woman now…

After that, things get kind of strange. Alice and her young son become recluses. Then there is a rash of Muggle children disappearing from neighboring villages. Wizards ignore it for years until older people begin disappearing as well and there are signs the perpetrator must be magical… Finally, clues lead aurors to Alice Viatorium's unplottable mansion.

When authorities eventually go to investigate they find... nothing. Alice, her young son, and her vault of gold had also vanished without a trace. The strangest thing of all though is that the house had been aged as if no one had lived there in decades.

Well I know one part of the mystery. Considering how much the goblins hated her guts, hiding all of her money within their own vault is damn ballsy.

The article raises more questions then it answers though.

I was just getting to the speculation part of the article where Pandora Lovegood speculated that the missing people's souls were being used to power a secret world destroying weather machine when Eloise walked into the common room covered in purple and blue spots.

I ran over. She'd obviously been crying. "Holy shit, what happened?"

"I-It's nothing I just had a run in with those Slytherin girls." Eloise was blinking rapidly trying not to cry. At a loss at what to do, I awkwardly patted her shoulder. I then noticed the book she was carrying was mangled badly. The cover said, "The Care and Keeping of Unicorns," by Almathea Smindrick.

"Oh, no. They got your library book too?"

"It's mine. My father got it for me when we bought my wand." She sniffed.

That's even worse! "Hey, I bet a repairo charm will fix the book right up." I don't know how to do one yet, but I'll try. "What's their problem any way?"

"They said that I couldn't be a unicorn keeper... and it's true that I'd never seen a unicorn... and that I wasn't the..." She angrily wiped her tears from her face. "That I wasn't the right sort...and that they were expensive..."

"That's bullshit!"

An upperclassmen looked up at my curse word and I sheepishly ducked my head and lowered my voice. "It's bullshit, all right? They're just stupid magical racists. If you want to be a unicorn keeper than you can be one."

"You think so?"

"I know so! Come on, we'll repair your book." I have no idea how hard repairo is to cast but I'm sure I can figure it out. "And then this weekend we'll go see some unicorns!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, people learn about them in Care of Magical Creatures. It'll be easy."

I have no idea how we're going to find unicorns.

They live in the forest don't they? I bet the gamekeeper, Hagrid knows how to find them. There's also the current Care of Magical Creatures professor… ah... Professor Kettleburn? I think? I'll find a way.

It took me fifty tries, but I eventually repaired the book.


	8. Wizards in Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Please, read and review.

I really wish we had Astronomy with the Gryffindors. I feel like Hermione would have at least shared my indignation. I went through my astronomy book carefully just to make sure and now I'm rather convinced. Wizards are VASTLY behind Muggles in the study of the stars. They've never even thought of going to the moon. Worse, all of the information we were being taught to figure out (phases of the moon and alignment of the planets) is information that could be easily gathered in an almanac. Hell, there probably is a Muggle astronomy almanac with this in it (note to self look for one next summer). Not to mention when I'm an adult this stuff is going to be a google search away.

I could even buy Astronomy being mandatory for first years and then an elective later on, but it's mandatory until fifth year!

I tried to shove my aggravation down as I trudged up the steps for my first Astronomy Class. The class was held 8pm to 10pm and luckily was only one night a week. It was at the highest tower in the castle right next to the Owlery and you had to trudge up ten flights of steps to get there.

You also get to be outside no matter the weather. Apparently, wizard telescopes can see through clouds and rain (one thing they have over the Muggles I guess). Joy.

The classroom was open to the stars and there was only an ancient stone parapet protecting us from falling to our deaths in the treacherous windy night. There were standup desks strewn about the area. There was another door going back down the tower (other than the one we came up) that was probably Sinistra's office. The sky was cloudy and the area was illuminated only by a few stand up torches.

Sinistra was a tall witch with dark hair, eyes, and skin. She stood in the middle of the room with her arms folded. A half crescent moon pendant on her olive colored hat glowed in the dark. Her posture was rim-rod straight and her robes looked starched. She was hitting the traditional British school-marm look even harder than McGonagall.

"Set up your telescopes and we will begin!" Sinistra called and then clapped impatiently.

I fumbled with getting my telescope and school book out. I probably should have practiced putting this thing together beforehand. It's more complicated then 'insert part A into part B' than I had thought. Luckily, most of my classmates were fumbling with theirs as well (even the Ravenclaws).

"Class will begin in two minutes!" Sinistra snapped her fingers.

I shoved the last two parts of my telescope together. It seemed okay if a bit wobbly.

Sinistra set us on learning how to properly focus on objects with our telescope and then set out having us find really common elements in the night sky like the moon, north star, etc. I guess it was kind of neat, looking at the moon, but it seemed like a thrill that was going to get old fast.

It also fills me with a weird sense of longing. I wish I could go to it and SEE it instead of looking at it from afar. With magic that's not really an impossible dream right? Were there spells to create oxygen? Could a shield charm protect you from radiation? Did magic even work in space?

I raised my hand during a lull while everyone was trying to find Ursa Minor. "Professor, have wizards ever been to the moon?"

Professor Sinistra laughed a tad mockingly. "Of course not."

A few other students laughed along with her.

"Has a witch or wizard ever tried to go to space?"

Professor Sinistra frowned at me. "Don't be absurd. No one can fly that high."

I probably should have left it at that, but I couldn't help myself. "Muggles have been to the moon."

Sinistra's frown turned into a full blown scowl at that. Was NASA a sore point for wizard astronomers?

"Yes, and they found a bleak dead rock. What is your point?"

"No witches or wizards have ever wanted to go?"

"What for?" Sinistra folded her arms across her chest.

"What for? To see what's out there!"

"Miss Thompson, I don't appreciate the interruption. Now please go back to—"

"Why haven't wizards wanted to go?" A Ravenclaw boy with tanned skin and dark eyes piped up from behind her. "Muggles have been to the moon multiple times. We even sent a probe to the outer reaches of space."

Sinistra was looking murderous now. "It could be a potential breach of the statute of secrecy if we tried to launch ourselves to the moon!"

"I bet we could get around that," I countered. We can be invisible or untrackable or something.

"And if you're wrong you put the whole wizarding world in danger! You don't—"

The Ravenclaw Boy interrupted again. "We could easily solve some of the problems Muggles have with long distances."

"I bet wizards could go to the moon easily!" I could see it then, me heading towards the moon in wizard robes in a magical ship that created no heat and needed no fuel...

"Children this is the end of—"

"I bet wizards could go to Mars." The boy interrupted again.

"I bet we could live on Mars!" I added.

"Wizards could start a magic based society!" The boy's eyes were shining with excitement.

"STOP BEING RIDICULOUS AND GO BACK TO WORK! OR YOU BOTH WILL BE IN DETENTION!" Sinistra yelled and then seemed startled at her own lack of composure. She recovered quickly and absently straightened her hat. "As I said, go back to your work this instant. This conversation is over."

Sinistra strode away to the other side of the tower adjusting student's telescopes along the way.

"Hey I'm Oliver." The boy held his hand out for me to shake. I shook it and he grinned. "Are you Muggle born too?"

"Yeah. I'm Kasey. Nice to meet you."

"Bloody crazy they haven't been to space right? You'd think wizards would be living in space by now with all the magic we've got. Unless wizards are already descended from aliens..." Oliver looked thoughtful. Note to self; make sure Luna meets Oliver next year. "Have you ever seen Star Trek? Me and my father used to watch it on the telly. He promised he'd record the ones I missed this year."

"Oh yeah, Star Trek is pretty good." Kid I've watched Star Trek that doesn't even exist yet.

"My dad's a microbiologist. It took a lot to convince him that magic was real despite all the weird stuff that happened around me growing up."

"My parents are computer programmers. They were pretty surprised too." My real dad would have thought it was awesome... Mom might have thought I was possessed.

"So, there has to be a spell to create oxygen right?" Oliver scooted his telescope closer so we could continue talking.

"Yeah there has to be. It could even be made permanent with an enchantment. And whatever spells they use on brooms to make them move forward could be used on a spaceship."

Oliver nodded. "Not sure about the radiation shielding though."

I shrugged. "Me neither, I'd be surprised if anyone has researched it. You can invent your own spells though. Ah, I think Arithmancy is used for that?" At his blank look I added, "It's like magical math."

"There's magical math?!" Oliver's eyes were wide.

"I'm not very good at math, myself." I wish I was though. I've always struggled no matter how much I study. I'd get everything new right on the problem then miss something easy like basic addition.

"I love math. It's weird that Hogwarts doesn't have it as a mandatory class... Oh hey I think that's Charles Duke's family photo. The magnification and clarity on this thing is ridiculous."

"If you ever go to the moon take me with you alright?" I laughed.

"It's a promise!" Oliver grinned and I got the impression he wasn't going to forget.

* * *

The weekend was finally here and with it, the end of my first week of classes at Hogwarts. Everything had already started to feel natural, like I was where I should be. I also finally had some time to myself to read and do some exploring on my own. I'd forgotten how young girls want to do EVERYTHING together. It is nice having friends I can see all of the time again, but on the other hand I can't always ignore the age gap.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm babysitting. For instance, there was DRAMA this morning in the dorm because Susan used Hannah's hair tie without asking. Their friendship was over "forevah and evah"... for like an hour.

So I'd managed to slip away for awhile after breakfast. I'm going to try to meet Hagrid first and solve this unicorn dilemma. Then, maybe I can FINALLY check out the Room of Requirement.

It was a cloudy morning (does Britain ever see the sun?), and the dew on the grass was making the bottom of my jeans wet. The ground was slightly squishy too as I made my way across the Hogwarts lawn. I'm not entirely sure where Hagrid's hut is. I've got a vague idea that its somewhere near the forest line so I was making my way there.

I paused in front of the Quidditch stadium. The stands were on massive stilts and there were gaps between the steps and bleachers... yeah I'm not going to be going to many Quidditch games. I guess I'll have to go to some of the Hufflepuff ones, but if I remember correctly Harry ends the Gryffindor game really quick because Hufflepuff's team sucks. And will probably continue to suck for my entire time here...

Gryffindor's team was currently practicing. I picked out the Weasley twins hitting a bludger back and forth near the goal and a speck in the air I think was probably Harry Potter.

I shrugged and kept walking.

I walked for another five minutes before I came to the edge of the forest. And it was ominous as FUCK.

The trees were so thick and old they were knotted together in many places blocking out the sun. It was darker than any regular forest I'd ever seen... There was creepy twittering and rattling in the thick underbrush. About twenty feet away, there was a spider web as tall as me. I thought there were flecks of pink (blood?) on the silver webbing. As I stared into the gloom, I heard two wolves howl.

I shadow fell upon me. "What are you doing out here?"

SHIT. I jumped and whirled around.

Hagrid stood in front of me nearly eight feet tall and almost as wide. He was carrying a handful of dead chickens. "Students aren't allowed in the forest!"

"I-I wasn't going in." I put a hand to my chest as my pounding heart slowly went back to normal. "I was just looking in. I thought I saw something... Anyways I was looking for you."

Hagrid looked surprised. "Fer me?"

"Hi, my name is Kasey Thompson. It's nice to meet you Mr. Hagrid." I held out my hand and shook his. Or more accurately, I shook like three of his fingers because that's all my hand covered.

"Uh, well hello there." Hagrid still looked a bit confused. I guess students don't go around randomly introducing themselves to him often.

"I was hoping to ask a favor of you. Which I know is weird from someone you just met but um..."

Hagrid looked at me expectedly. I might as well just spit it out.

"Anyways, I'm Muggle-born and my friend is Muggle-born. She really loves unicorns but she's never seen one. A group of mean Slytherin girls were making fun of her for wanting to grow up and be a Unicorn Keeper without having never seen a unicorn. They said that only purebloods could do a good job of it and all that nonsense so I was hoping I could find a way to let her see some? I thought you could maybe help us? Sorry for asking out of the blue like this..." I trailed off. I was starting to ramble.

"Bah, anyone could be a good Unicorn keeper if they're willing to work at it and keep a gentle hand. I'll help yeh. Come on, I was on my way to see Professor Kettleburn anyway."

I walked with Hagrid passed the Quidditch pitch, through a pumpkin patch, and into a clearing full of small buildings and fenced in areas.

"Wotcher Silvanus!" Hagrid called out

A man with three wooden limbs, a horrifyingly burned face, and one glass eye lumbered over to us. His gait was stilted like a marionette on strings. He was carrying a small purple creature with two heads that looked like a cross between a platypus and a lizard.

"Good morning Hagrid!" The man exclaimed back happily. The scarred face twisted into a smile straining against the nest of scars.

"Professor, this is Kasey Thompson. She was wanting to know if she and her friend could come see the unicorns next weekend when we put out the salt blocks?"

The creature burped a small fireball and caught Professor Kettleburn's wooden hand on fire. "Of course you can see the unicorns! Just come next Saturday around 6am. I'll write you a note so you can be out an hour earlier—"

"You're on fire!" I pointed frantically at his hand.

"Oh?" Professor Kettleburn looked nonchalantly at his hand. "Why indeed I am!" He waved his on-fire wooden hand. "The best part about wooden limbs is they don't hurt when they burn!"

Hagrid cleared his throat. Kettleburn shrugged, handed the creature to Hagrid, and then waved his wand. The fire disappeared. The clearing stank of burnt wood.

"Wait there one moment young lady and I will get you two teacher notes so you can be over there next Saturday before official curfew." Kettleburn hobbled away into one of the little huts. I then heard a series of bangs, clangs, and loud squawks. After a few moments, Kettleburn emerged from the hut and handed me two signed permission slips.

"Thank you Professor. We'll be there."

Professor Kettleburn waved goodbye and started to walk away. "Come Hagrid, it's time milk the acid from the liquetiebats! I brought my extra metal hand in my pocket!"

Hagrid chuckled and followed. "They're so adorable during this time of the year." I watched them walk away.

That sounds horrifying. I'm glad they didn't ask me to help. Now that's out of the way I can FINALLY try accessing the Room of Requirement.

I made my way back across the grounds and into the school. I think the Room of Requirement is on the seventh or eighth floor and by a painting of a wizard trying to teach some trolls to dance?

My legs were leaden by the time I dragged myself up the stairs and I had to stop a moment to catch my breath. Okay so the painting is called Barney the Barmey or something like that? I walked down the aisle. Suit of armor... mirror... painting of dragon torching a village... painting of a random politician... ah ha!

I stopped. There was a painting of a spindly man dressed as a ballet dancer next to some angry looking trolls in tutus. That had to be it. I paced three times and thought, 'I need a place to hide something. I need a place to hide something. I need a place to hide something...'

A large wooden door appeared.

I looked around, making sure no one else was in the corridor. The coast was clear so I opened the door and closed it behind me.

Holy Moley!

This place is HUUUUUUGE! Fifty foot high ceilings with piles and piles of just random SHIT. It was a hoarder's wet dream. Chairs were stacked impossibly all the way to the ceiling. Piles and piles of book were strewn about. There were potions that looked brand new and others dried up and ancient. Cricket bats, clothes, broken desks, a skeleton bird in a cage (that's rather sad actually), walls made of trunks, broken statues and busts, ripped inert paintings, random clothes, a glittery hat, and just so so much more. I just know there's some books in here of some awesome forgotten powerful magic.

My shoulders slumped.

And I can't look through any of it until I know how to check for curses.

Well, that just got bumped up on my list of things to learn. All the awesome shit in here isn't getting burned up if I have anything to say about it! I wonder if there's an Occlumency book in here? Hmm... Well time to test and see what this place can do.

I walked out of the room and the door vanished behind me.

I walked back and forth.

'I want a room that has a book on Occlumency. I want a room that has a book on Occlumency. I want a room that has a book on Occlumency…'

A door appeared.

I walked through the door and into an empty classroom. On a table in the center sat a single booked entitled 'Occlumency'. I bounded up and grabbed the book. I did it! I flipped open to the first page-

"HELP I AM BEING STOLEN FROM THE RESTRICTED SECTION!" Madam Pince's shrill voice screamed from the book. "THIEF! DETENTION! EXPULSION!"

I slammed the book shut hurriedly. I hadn't specified that the room be sound proof or anything.

Sheesh! Well I know that it can take items from within the castle now. I could work with this. A Dicti-quill and a silencing spell and I could get the book copied and take my copy back for myself.

I opened the book again, hoping to get a glimpse of the page of contents.

"THIEF! RUFFIAN! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!"

I slammed the book shut again. The pages were blank!

Damn evil bitch librarian! I have no idea what spell is on this now. I'll have to do some research. The counter spell better not be in the restricted section!

Well time to test this a few more times…

After playing around with the room for awhile, I discovered that you could procure anything considered "Hogwarts" property in the castle, but asking for anything that was a specific person's property brought up nothing.

Asking for living things had its limits as well. I could procure a few plants from the greenhouses and have the stone turn into grass, but I couldn't get any animals. Food didn't work at first until I specified "food from the kitchens". A gigantic pot with potatoes still boiling inside appeared in the room and I had to reset the room fast. A house elf would surely notice if the food they were cooking kept disappearing. Had they been trying to get food from nothing in Deathly Hallows instead of swiping it from the kitchen? Hmm or maybe they were afraid the Carrows would start poisoning it if they did?

The room could also transfigure itself by a pretty large margin. The biggest room could fit a Quidditch Stadium inside. Likewise, it could do a wide range of transfigurations, but only if they were roughly based on something already in the castle. I could get desks, beds, tables, and bookshelves to exact specifications and even a swimming pool that was probably an enlarged version of the prefects' bath.

There were limits though. Anything "Muggle-ish" stumped the room. My attempts at a room with a helicopter, ferris-wheel, and Muggle department store turned up an empty room.

I also tried out a lot of the more crazy theories I'd seen fans speculate about. The room didn't have the power to go back or forward in time. It also couldn't have time stand still while you were in there. It didn't summon anyone from the afterlife. It couldn't invent anything new that didn't currently exist. It was able to do some fun things with spatial relations though. I was able to have a door from within open up to an empty classroom on the third floor. I got another door to open up to the Hogshead cellar. I couldn't get a door any farther than somewhere that I knew was physically connected to Hogwarts in some way.

I reluctantly shut the door a final time.

I had to read that animagi book.

* * *

Another week passed in a blur of school work and everything started to fall into a routine. Magic was still amazing and I was addicted to learning new spells, but it started to feel normal. It's too bad a lot of these early spells were a bit useless. An itching hex isn't going to do much more than annoy someone and the Lucidumus charm just made things shiny. In my spare time, I tried to jump ahead a bit. I managed to teach myself Petrificus Totalus early and I started on a basic shield charm.

By Friday, I had finished the Animagus book. A lot of it was historical accounts, but there was some useful bits. It even gave a very basic idea of how to become an Animagus. You followed an annoying time consuming ritual which involved keeping a leaf in your mouth and making a complicated potion. It didn't give you the ingredients of the potion so you couldn't use the book to actually perform the ritual, but it was still pretty informative.

There is a spell to force someone out of the animagi transformation. I'm sure McGonagall would scoff at letting a first year practice on her.

Besides, how would I justify that I wanted to learn it? There was also a spell that could reveal animagi while in their animals forms. 'Homenum Revelio' magically detected humans and would cause them to look like they were glowing for the caster even in their animagi form. It was a bit advanced, but I could practice just by looking in a mirror so I think I could get it down after a bit of practice.

What excuse could I even use to cast it around Pettigrew? How could I get near Pettigrew? I don't think Ron even knew my name. Furthermore, I bet Pettigrew will bolt as soon as he realizes it's been cast near him... So I have to find an excuse to have Scabbers near, a reason to use an obscure spell, and pre-prepared traps to keep him from getting away... or find a reason to cast it with several of the more badass teachers nearby.

If only I had access to the Marauder's Map... stealing the Mauraders Map from the Weasley twins seemed a rather... daunting endeavor.

If push comes to shove, maybe I could just... tell them of my suspicion if I could think of a good reason for it. They could look at the map and see that their brother sleeps with a guy named Pettigrew every night. That was putting a lot of factors out of my hand though... If Pettigrew goes to ground then its all for naught.

There was also the option of trying to create my own map but that seemed very advanced. I think I could eventually work it out given a year or so but I don't want Sirius to languish for that much longer.

So I guess I'm going to focus on learning Homenum Revelio this weekend and hope something comes to me.

I sighed and dragged myself out of bed. Ineffectual scheming could come later, it was time to meet some unicorns!

My alarm clock spell had woken me up at 5am, but Eloise was still sleeping soundly. I plodded over and shook her awake.

No response.

I shook her again.

A heard a vague snore.

I shook her again. Hard.

Eloise grumbled, rolled over, and became an Eloise shaped blanket burrito.

"I will totally roll you out of this bed if you don't get up." I pushed the blanket burrito to the edge of her bed.

"Whachyusay?" Eloise's wild curly hair peeked out from the blankets.

"Do you want to go see unicorns or what?" I asked and took a second to marvel at the sentence. If only, I could tell my younger self one day we'd say that and mean it.

"Oh!" Eloise sat up abruptly and fell out of bed.

The CHARMED4U poster made a rude gesture to me across the room. I made a rude gesture back at them then returned my attention back to Eloise.

"Hurry up we're going to be late."

I grabbed my stuff and went to the bathroom as Eloise struggled with her blankets.

* * *

The sun was just starting to rise as we walked across the grounds. The sky was streaked pink and orange and the grass sparkled with dew. It was a beautiful morning and I practically felt like skipping. I was about to have one of my greatest impossible childhood dreams come true. I was about to see a UNICORN! Maybe I'll even get to pet a unicorn?!

I couldn't stop grinning. I looked over at Eloise and she had the same happy goofy smile on her face. "Race you there?"

I took off without her reply reveling in how easy it was to run without a jacked-up knee. When you get old you forget the freedom of suddenly breaking out into a run just because you can.

"Wait for me!" Eloise called out running after me.

We ran across the Hogwarts grounds.

Well we ran for a little while anyway. I may be 11 but I'm still not in the best of shape.

Eloise got there before me.

"Let... you... win..." I double over trying to catch my breath.

"Sure." Eloise giggled.

"There you are!" Hagrid came out of a nearby hut carrying 6 large salt blocks in his beefy hands. Kettleburn followed behind him using magic to levitate five more.

There were several thick wooden stakes poking out of the ground at the edge of the forest. With a flick of his wand, Kettleburn floated his and Hagrid's bundle of white salt blocks and magically affixed them to the stakes.

"We like to do this once in awhile. The herd is still wild enough that they can get along without us, but it's fun to treat them occasionally." Kettleburn walked back a few paces and gestured for us to follow him. "Give them a bit of space so you don't accidently get trampled. They get a bit excited when we put the blocks out."

Kettleburn picked up a whistle that was hanging around his neck and blew it.

I heard hooves thundering in the distance and out from the forest came... My heart dropped down into my feet and jumped back into my chest.

They were breathtaking.

I guess I was picturing a horse with a horn stuck to its head but these creatures were so lithe and graceful it seemed like their hooves didn't fully meet the ground at each step. Their coats were so white they seemed to sparkle. And their horns shown with... well it was pure magic wasn't it? I could tell in that part deep inside me that hadn't existed before I came here. I felt a bit foolish now having wanted to pet them.

"You want to pet them? Come on!" Hagrid lumbered over there, gesturing with his large hands for us to follow.

I stared incredulously at this back. "Is that okay?"

"Oh they love pets! Don't youuu? Whose a good whittle horsie?" Hagrid was already over there, slapping his big ole meaty hands all over the head of the nearest unicorn. For its part, it was nuzzling him back like a big cat.

I walked hesitantly forward toward one of the unicorns. The one nearest to me looked up and didn't move as I approached. I softly put my hand on its flank and pet it.

It was like kitten fur x's 1000. Easily the softest thing I had ever felt.

The unicorn let me pet it for a few minutes seemingly happy. I felt my eyes water a bit as my emotions started to get the better of me.

It's a unicorn!

"Majestic creatures aren't they?" Kettleburn held out an apple in his hand and the unicorn I had been petting glided over to him. "Did you know they—"

Kettleburn caught off abruptly gasped in shock.

A unicorn limped into the clearing covered in its own silvery blood. The gaping wound on its side was still slowly pulsing with blood.

Well...shit.

Eloise gasped in shock too. "Oh no, he's hurt!"

I'd forgotten about Quirrelmort chomping down on unicorns.

Hagrid bounded over to the unicorn. "Hurry Silvanus! Come on girl, we're just here to help." Hagrid made soothing sounds trying to calm the creature.

Kettleburn trotted over quickly. He waved his wand and some of the blood disappeared, but now it was clear that the wound was quite deep. "Whatever could have done this?"

Hagrid ran to the shed.

Kettleburn whipped around to us. "Girls, please run and get Madam Pompfrey right now! You'll get there much faster than me. Tell her to bring blood replenishing potions and some rose petals! Hurry!"

Eloise and I turned and ran across the Hogwarts grounds and into the castle.

* * *

The mood was dark as Eloise and I walked back into our dorm room. I was tired and covered in dirt and specks of unicorn blood. Professor Kettleburn had let us stay to help fetch supplies. Kettleburn and Hagrid had worked on the unicorn all morning trying to save it. We all had done our best.

But it had all been for naught.

We'd watched a beautiful, pure, innocent creature die a slow and painful death. It had looked so afraid...

Definitely not the self esteem-lifting happy moment I'd hoped it would be.

I plopped down on the edge of my bed. I was too tired to clean up just yet. Eloise sat at the edge of her bed across from me in silence. Eloise's face was stained with tears. Hell, Hagrid and Kettleburn had been crying too. I felt like I should have cried as well but I just felt numb.

Finally, Eloise's soft voice broke through the silence. "We have to save them."

I looked up. "Save them? What are you talking about?"

Eloise looked up. She'd stopped crying. "We have to save the unicorns. Something is hurting them. Regular forest creatures won't hurt a unicorn. This was something dark and magical. We have to find out what it is and stop it."

Hufflepuff Eloise had been exchanged with her Gryffindor doppelganger on the way over here apparently.

"What can a couple of first years do? It's dangerous in the forest. Leave this to Professor Kettleburn and Hagrid."

Eloise frowned. "I-I can't sit by without doing something!"

Even if she managed to avoid everything else, Voldemort would kill her without a second though. "Promise me you won't go into the forest all on your own. You could get seriously hurt or killed."

"You're okay with what happened today?" Eloise scowled at me.

"Of course not! It was horrible!" I sighed at Eloise's stubborn expression. "Ask Professor Kettleburn and Hagrid if there's something you can do to help. But don't go off by yourself okay? When Professor Dumbledore said the forest was dangerous he wasn't kidding."

Eloise's shoulders slumped. "I supposed your right. We're still just first years. I'll ask this afternoon after dinner. Will you come with me?"

I nodded and let out a sigh of relief. "Sure..."

Phew. One near death experience potentially avoided...

* * *

That afternoon we went back to Hagrid's cabin and offered our help.

It didn't go as I had hoped.

"Aw, sure you can help! I'm going into the forest tomorrow night to look around. You lot can come with me!"

HAGRID WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Eloise smiled ear to ear. "We can?! Oh thank you!" And then she actually hugged the big oaf. Hugged him for sending her to her death.

Eloise turns toward me. "You'll come too right?"

Oh hell, I can't let Eloise wander around there by herself with a half dead dark lord ghoul skulking about chomping down on unicorns. Although, I don't know what the hell I'll actually do if we come across him. Cast a rainbow at his face?

"O-Of course..."

This is madness.

The crazy bastard Hagrid smiled. "Right nice of ya. Most kids have to get detention before they'll help the ole Gamekeeper."

You can't take two children into the Forbidden Forest just because they asked!

Eloise beamed and Hagrid laughed like it was going to be just a fun little jaunt.

We're going to die...


	9. Frolicking in the Forbidden Forest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Please read and review.

Susan and Hannah were similarly aghast at Eloise's plan for us to go gallivanting around a treacherous forest at night. At least, some witches weren't out of their damn minds.

"You can't! The forest is full of dangerous creatures!" Hannah had been happily sitting on her bed sifting through the newly arrived CHARMED4U fan club kit, but was now looking like she was about to have an anxiety attack.

"It can't be that bad if Hagrid is letting us go with him." Eloise replied and pinned her new glow in the dark Charmed4U badge to her chest.

Yes it can!

"Hagrid's not... like you and me. I heard he's a half giant," Hannah whispered.

"That's not a nice rumor to spread if you're not sure." Susan handed out the rest of the buttons. Mine was a compass that 'always pointed to your heart'. Ugh.

"What's wrong with being a half giant?" Eloise scowled.

I glanced at the photograph beside Eloise's bed. Her brothers were practically half giants themselves.

"I never said there was anything wrong with him..." Hannah looked uncomfortable. "Giants aren't the most rational sorts... he might not have the best judgement."

That's probably true, but I'm not too happy to jump on the 'vaguely racist' train. "I think it's more because he's such a big guy that stuff that would hurt us he can just forcibly cuddle."

Eloise turned her scowl to me. "You don't have to go if you're scared. It's okay."

The Sorting Hat's voice echoed in my mind, asking me if I was brave…

"I'm going," I said firmly and shoved a stupid CHARMED4U tiara on my head.

Susan shrugged. Hannah looked even more unsure but dropped the subject. We then began the first ever meeting of the Hogwarts chapter of the CHARMED4U fan club.

"As my first order of business..." Hannah handed each of us a bright pink paper. "We will each take a quiz to find out which boy we're most compatible with!"

The squeals of my house mates did nothing to drown out my sense of impending doom.

* * *

Sunday night came fast. I tried to learn Expelliarmus in the precious little time I had, but it was just an exercise in frustration. I didn't have time to learn anything. Trying to learn something to save us from Quirrel was probably futile anyways. So it was with a heavy heart that I followed Eloise down through the grounds after dinner on Sunday night.

It was an appropriately creepy night. There was no sign of the moon behind the dark clouds. Only the tips of our wands illuminated our path.

We found Hagrid standing at the edge of the Forbidden Forest holding an old oil lamp. His dog Fang was at his side. He waved at our approach.

"Hello girls! Right nice of you to show up."

I looked around. "Hagrid, where is Professor Kettleburn?"

"Another of Kettleburn's limbs caught fire this afternoon so he won't be able to join us. We should manage just fine on our own. Remember, keep an eye out for silver blood. It glows in the dark at night. Oh and don't be rude to the centaurs. Or the spiders. Or to the wolves. Or anything bigger than you really. It's good advice for life!" Hagrid laughed.

Eloise and I nodded fearfully.

Hagrid pointed to the left. "I'll take the left path and you take the right."

"Wait. We're separating?!" I grimaced.

Hagrid chuckled. "Ah it'll be fine. I won't be that far away. No need to worry. Just shoot out some sparks if you see anything. I'll meet back up with you in an hour."

Hagrid walked off as I stared at his back incredulously. He's going to let two little first year girls wander around the forest by ourselves...

I turned and looked into the thick undergrowth. Shadows cast insidious shapes that may or may not be murderous beasts. In the distance, there was a large spider web. Something hooted and something else screeched. A wolf howled. I thought I saw eyes from... something in a nearby tree watching us.

"Well I guess we ah... go in then." Eloise hesitated.

Maybe it'll be fine? Unicorn blood has to last for awhile surely? He can't need it every day. And maybe we'll manage to avoid all of the murderous creatures in here. It'll be fine. Probably.

I clinched my fist and took a step forward.

"Hey wait up!"

I spun around and barely kept myself from hexing Hannah and Susan as they ran up to us. Susan was carrying a small leather bag. They reached us after a moment.

"Wait up... sorry we're late." Hannah doubled over, breathing hard.

Susan wasn't breathing hard at all. "We came to help you."

Hannah leaned back up again. "I kept worrying and thinking about you two not knowing much about the wizarding world yet and not realizing how dangerous the forest actually is and then I started to get nauseous from the worry..."

Susan shrugged. "I thought it'd be okay if the Gamekeeper was with you, but I can't believe he walked off and left you alone. He's clearly mad."

Eloise frowned. "He's a nice bloke."

"I didn't say he wasn't." Susan said offhandedly while rummaging through her bag.

Hannah seemed to finally catch her breath. "You don't have to do this. Let's go back to the common room and not get horribly maimed."

Eloise stood firm. "It's all right. You don't have to come. We'll be okay on our own."

We will? That's news to me.

Hannah grimaced. "I can't let you go by yourselves! Did you know the forest is teaming with werewolves?!"

Susan pulled a canister from her bag. "It's not a full moon. Why would werewolves be hanging out in their human forms in the forest?"

Hannah glared at Susan. "Thank you for your support."

"I brought bear spray." Susan held up a spray can. The can had a picture of a bear with a big X across the front.

"Bear spray?"

"For bears."

Thanks Susan, I got that much.

Susan pulled some more canisters from her bag. "I also brought poison ivy spray. And mosquito spray. And burn cream. My parents sent tons of safety related items with me when I went to Hogwarts. I also have a blood replenishing potion, but I'm sure we won't need that."

Hannah whimpered.

I can't believe this... Now I've got three girls I have to watch out for. "If we see anything we immediately signal Hagrid okay? We don't try to attack it or anything. And if something comes after us we RUN."

Susan nodded. "Oh good. I'm the fastest runner here."

Everyone glared at her.

Susan looked confused. "What?"

I rubbed my temples. I'm too young to have a stroke. "Remember to signal Hagrid if we see any blood or run if something comes after us. Oh and if we meet centaurs don't be rude."

Everyone nodded.

"Alright." I squared my shoulders and tried to appear more confident then I felt. "Let's go."

Goddamn you Hagrid.

* * *

I feel like a really irresponsible Girl Scout Troop leader.

I made sure I was in the front of our little troop shining my lighted wand back and forth, keeping a cautious pace. So far we'd encountered nothing of note.

I feel like someone should be playing the Scooby Doo theme song.

"Is that a clue?" Susan pointed to a broken twig.

Eloise peered at it. "Maybe? Or just another animal passing through?"

Susan perked up and held her spray can up. "Like a bear?"

Eloise rolled her eyes. "I don't think there are any bears in Scotland any more."

Susan narrowed her eyes. "No Muggle bears."

"Are there magical bears?" I asked, imagining a grizzly bear with wings swooping down on all us.

"Probably." Susan replied.

Eloise rolled her eyes again. Aw, look who's becoming a teenager early. "Probably isn't much of an answer."

Susan rolled her eyes right back. "I'm not a bearologist."

Scooby Scooby Doooo where are youuu…

Hannah gasped and pointed to a nearby bush. "I found some unicorn hair! Wait this is just an owl pellet... ew I touched it gross!"

Eloise jumped away from Hannah. "Don't wipe your hand off on me!"

CRACK!

Shit what was that?

My heart skipped a beat and I held up my wand for a few tense seconds… But only a bunny jumped out of the bush.

"Heh, I'm really jumpy as—" No one was beside me. I turned around. Everyone had jumped behind me.

I could really use a Scooby snack right about now.

We walked in silence for awhile after that, nervously looking from side to side. Clouds were beginning to drift over the moon, making the forest even darker and ominous.

"Look!" Eloise called from a few feet to my right. I pointed my wand in her direction. On a nearby bush, there were silvery glowing drops of unicorn blood. Nearby was a human footprint in the blood.

Hannah bent down next to her. "A person killed the unicorn? Why? You don't need to kill unicorns for their horns. They grow back."

Eloise gulped. "I've read about this. It's really dark magic. If a person kills a unicorn and drinks its blood, it will save them from the brink of death. But... you only gain a cursed life. Your body is still going, but you feel like a living corpse. Eventually the effects wear off completely and they need more and more... each time losing more of themselves."

I shuddered. "Okay, we better signal Hagrid now." I looked at the others, but they were looking at me expectedly. Huh, so sparks… just put your wand in the air and will sparks into existence or something right?

I held my wand up to the sky and thought 'Sparks!'

... and nothing happened.

"Uh, Sparkio? Sparkicus? Fireworkus?" I tried randomly. The others were staring at me. "Is there..." I felt myself blush. "Is there a spark spell or something?"

Eloise frowned. "I thought you knew it." She looked toward Hannah and Susan.

Susan shrugged. "No idea. I thought Hagrid had shown you how."

Hannah looked panicked. "Are you telling me we're lost in the forest? With some mad man on the loose?"

"...yes?" The girls got noticeably pale. "But hey I'm sure we can navigate out. The uh, sun sets in the west and rises in the east right?" I think? Or is it the other way around? "And that's the North Star over there!" Maybe?

Good God. Do I need mother fucking astronomy knowledge right now?!

We stared aimlessly about looking a bit lost... when I heard footsteps.

Someone was coming.

"Hide!" I grabbed Susan and Hannah and dragged them into the bushes. Eloise jumped after us. I of course, had found a bush with a bunch of nettles. Ouch.

"What if it's Hagrid?" Hannah whispered, laying close to the ground.

"Do you want to risk it?" I whispered back and tried to flatten myself to the ground. Everyone fell silent.

Footsteps approached. We waited staying as still as we could. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, a pair of feet came into view. They were much too small to be Hagrid's.

I froze in fear and could hear the blood pumping loudly in my ears.

The feet paused directly in front of our bush. The figure muttered an incantation softly and pointed his wand towards the ground. The muddy footstep along with the blood on the ground vanished. Agonizingly slowly, the footsteps walked away. We lay on the ground frozen in fear for several more minutes, but the figure did not return.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and slowly got out of the bush. The other girls followed after me. I had scratches all over my arms.

"I nearly fainted..." Hannah muttered with a hand over her heart.

"Size 12." Susan declared.

"Size 12 what?" I looked around distracted and only half listening. Maybe one of us could climb a tree?

"His shoe size was size 12. It said so on the bottom of his sole. I saw it as he was walking away."

Eloise hugged Susan. "Brilliant! Our first clue to the killer's identity!"

Does Eloise think we're in a magical Nancy Drew Mystery? I guess we kind of are now that I think about it.

Time to rally the troops so to speak.

"We've got to get out of here just in case he comes back. I don't think we should use the spark spell now anyways. We have to—"

And then the world turned upside down. The other girls were screaming. Something had me suspended ten feet in the air. I frantically flailed and spun around. A spider as big as a horse with long hairy legs stared hungrily at me. My wand my still in my hand. I tried to send a spell out at the spider, but my mouth and my hands weren't coordinating and I kept spinning around and around faster and faster.

"Incendio!" someone yelled and a flash of heat engulfed my head. The spider screeched and I felt whatever was holding me snap and I fell to the ground hard, knocking the wind out of me.

"Hurry!" Susan yelled and Eloise and Hannah pulled me up from the ground. Susan started running and the other two girls dragged me along. My face felt raw and my right eye was watering for some reason.

I looked back and saw over a dozen spiders following after us.

My wand was still in my hand.

Something inside my head clicked back together and I started running along with the others, no long being dragged.

"Petrificus Totalus!" My spell hit a spider square in the chest and it fell. Another took its place. "Petrificus Totalus!" Another went down. "Petrificus Totalus!" And another.

Susan shot off a spell and one of the spiders on the left side stopped running and started doing a tap dance. Eloise missed, and then sent another spell that caused a spider on the right to trip and fall. Hannah's incendio set another on fire.

It wasn't enough. They were still gaining.

"Faster!" Susan yelled from a dozen feet in front of the rest of us.

"Petrificus Totalus!" I missed. I can't aim if my stupid eye won't stop watering! It was hard to follow the path in the dark, too. It was only a matter of time before one of us tripped. And why does my face hurt?! "Petrificus Totalus!"

They got closer. The spiders smelled like sulphur.

"Incendio!" Hannah yelled and set three of the spiders on fire at once.

They were so close now I could see the slime dripping down their mandibles.

"Locomotor Wibbly!" Eloise's spell hit a spider moments before he grabbed her leg.

Closer and closer...

Susan stopped abruptly and the rest of us ran smack dab into her. We fell in a heap on the ground. I cringed, expecting acid fangs to bit down into me at any moment. But when I looked up all I saw was Hagrid leaning over us.

"Hagrid!" I wheezed. "The spiders! They—"

Hagrid smiled unconcerned. "I see them." He waved. "What good little babies you are leading them back to me!"

Huh?

I turned around. The spiders had stopped and didn't look murderous anymore. I got the weird impression the horrific monstrosities were trying to look cute.

Hagrid walked over and was scratched one of the horrible creatures on its head. "Whose a good wittle spider? You arrrre!"

"Ke ke ke!" the spider called out and one of its femurs wiggled in pleasure. Multi-faceted bug eyes trying to give someone a puppy dog stare was a weird effect.

Hagrid walked back over to us and turned around. The spider's demeanor immediately became murderous again. One of them rubbed his front femurs together menacingly.

"Well did you lot find anything?" Hagrid was completely oblivious to the death stares behind his back.

"Other than a hoard of acromantulas trying to kill and eat us you mean?" Hannah asked incredulously.

"Aw, that lot was just playing with ya. They're just a bunch of puppy dogs. Big hairy puppy dogs… Hmm, where'd the other two of you come from?"

Hannah just sputtered at a loss for words.

"We found some bloody footprints." Eloise pipped up, looking fearfully over Hagrid's shoulder. "A man came by and performed a spell that erased the footprints while we hid in the bushes."

Hagrid's bushy eyebrows shot up. "Are you sure?"

"He had size 12 shoes." Susan added.

"Bloody hell... Well I better get you lot back to the castle. I've got to talk to Dumbledore right away!" Hagrid turned back to the acromantulas and the spiders adopted an innocent pose again. "Bye babies! Tell yur mummie I love her!"

Hagrid led us out of the forest, and I could feel all of their multifaceted eyes boring into our backs as we walked out of the forest.

* * *

When we got back to the dorm room, I found out why my face was so sore.

"I'm sure it will grow back." Eloise looked at me with sympathy as I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. My eyebrows were completely gone and my face looked badly sunburned. One of my eyes is super red and irritated.

"I'm sorry! I wasn't sure what to do." Hannah stood behind me and wrung her hands.

"It's okay. You saved my life." I was worried about watching out for them and here I was the one that needed to be saved. Talk about demoralizing... I have to get serious about training in Defense.

Also I look like an alien now. It's mesmerizing how horrible I look. I can't turn my eyes away from the mirror.

Susan walked into the bathroom as well and handed me a small corked bottle. "Here, apply this potion on your face before going to sleep and in a few days the burn will be gone."

"Is there a spell or a potion to grow hair?" I asked hopefully.

Hannah looked alarmed. "Whatever you do, don't put any hair grow potion on your face! My auntie Agnus did that as a teen and she gets a five o'clock shadow every day! She can grow a better beard than my father!"

Oh joy.

"I'm sure no one will notice." Eloise patted my shoulder reassuringly .


	10. Friendship is Magic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Please, read and review.

Everyone noticed my lack of eyebrows.

"You look like a house elf!" Milliscent Bulstrode called out in the hallway before breakfast. Her entourage of Slytherin girls tittered behind her.

"My eyebrows will grow back, but you'll be stuck with that pig face of yours forever!" I called out as I passed her in the hallway.

She scowled at me and her entourage giggled again. Slytherin girls were equal opportunity insult gigglers I guess.

Even Lavender Brown thought she could start in on me when I stopped at the girl's lavatory before breakfast.

"You're supposed to pluck your eyebrows, not rip them out completely." Lavender laughed unkindly and put on another layer of lip gloss.

I gasped. "I'm not? Maybe you could show me sometime how to do it? You've got such a lovely unibrow."

"Well thank you I... What?" She glanced behind her. Parvati Patil had a hand over her mouth and Sophie Roper was openly chuckling.

"She said you had a unibrow you git." Sophie Roper rolled her eyes. "Maybe you need to shave yours off and start over too!"

Sophie and Parvati burst into giggles and Lavender glared at all of us.

I was also called several British slang words I kept having to ask my housemates what they meant. The whole situation is turning out to be weirdly educational. My classmates are such a creative bunch. Oh I wasn't devastated like I would have been if I'd been a real eleven year old girl. But it was still annoying as all hell. And I wasn't allowed to kill eleven year olds; because prison and all that.

I finally made it through the giggling and pointing gauntlet that was the hallway and slid in next to Susan at the Great Hall. Susan was holding a scroll and looked ecstatic.

"I made the Quidditch team!" Susan shoved the scroll she was holding in front of my face. It was a list of names divided by houses signed at the bottom by Dumbledore.

"They let you try out?" I put some butter on my toast as she pulled the scroll back.

"They let EVERYONE try out." Susan piled some eggs on her plate. "Which is what they should have done to begin with. It's not fair that only Harry gets to play."

"Well he did save the wizarding world." I stuffed a strawberry scone into my mouth. Mmm soo good. Thank God we do so much walking around the castle or after a few months of this I was going to have to be rolled to my next class.

"Harry deserves his spot on the Gryffindor team. It's obvious he's a natural, but the rest of us first years deserved a chance. I complained to Sprout and when that wasn't enough, I sent a letter to my aunt who mentioned it to the Minister... In the end, they let all of the first years try out if they wanted. You still had to be good enough for the team. Ravenclaw picked up a reserve and Slytherin has a new seeker. I'm just a reserve member, but I'm the only reserve member Hufflepuff has for every position. I get to go to all the practices and there's a good chance I will get to play at some point!"

Susan looked down the table at Wayne Hopkins who had regaled everyone within earshot for the last few days with how 'amazing' his tryout had been.

"Wayne didn't make it." she staged whispered to me with a hint of smugness.

Wayne saw her look and glared daggers at Susan over his orange juice.

"He's being a bit of git about it honestly." Susan stuck her tongue out at him and went back to eating her eggs. "He needs to get over it. He can try out again next year."

I looked up at the entrance way to the Great Hall. Kids were gathered at the front and some of them were pointing and laughing.

Hermione emerged from the Great Hall doorway and stomped into the Great Hall. She had definitely done something different to her big bushy hair. Or to be more accurate, had something done to her.

Susan raised her eyebrows. "That's... a very striking color of blue."

I winced. "Yeah."

Half her hair was her regular brown and the other half was bright electric blue like she'd tried to cancel a charm and hadn't gotten it quite right. She also looked furious. I watched as she stomped over to the Gryffindor table, grabbed an apple from a platter, and stomped right back out.

A chorus of giggling followed in her wake.

* * *

Quirrel was already fifteen minutes late for Defense Against the Dark Arts class. It wasn't the first time he'd made us wait. It must not be easy stuffing a dark lord into a turban every morning.

Eloise was using her Lisa Frank trapper keeper again. She wasn't trying to hide it either. She had it on her desk in full view and kept looking towards the Slytherin girls' desks with a weird mixture of nervousness and challenge.

None of them had taken the bait yet. They were all absorbed in discussing a copy of Teen Witch Monthly they kept passing between themselves.

"You seem different."

Eloise turned around towards me, abandoning her one sided staring match for a moment. "Slytherins are not that intimidating when compared with giant spiders."

I smiled. "You have a point."

Quirrel burst into the classroom suddenly. I swear I could see his gait transform from confident to meek mid-step.

"P-Please p-put away everything b-but your quill and p-paper and we shall begin."

Class was mediocre as usual. Quirrel assigned out of class reading, an essay, and for us to practice the jelly legs jinx. We had yet to actually do any spells in class.

After class while everyone was putting their things away, Professor Quirrel stood up. "Ms. Bones, Ms. Thompson, Ms. Abbot, and Ms. Midgen... can you p-please stay after for a moment? T-there's something I want to discuss," Quirrel asked from the front of the room.

We were halfway out the door already and had to turn around.

I immediately shifted my gaze to the floor as my heart began pounding. I tried to keep my breathing normal as I walked up to Quirrel's desk with my fellow Hufflepuffs. I made sure I was in the back and kept my gaze firmly on anything but the professor.

Does he think we know about his turban buddy?

No, I have to clear my mind and think about something else. Anything. Elephants. Puppies. Puppies riding elephants... Puppies falling off elephants... Oh no that's not good either.

"F-frightening business that unicorn killing. Very tragic. Are you girls okay?" Quirrel asked in a concerned voice. I thought I could hear insincerity in his voice, but maybe that was just because I knew who he truly was. The other girls made no indication anything was unusual.

"I'm sure Dumbledore has everything under control." Susan replied, seemingly unconcerned. Note to self, never play poker with her.

"You girls wouldn't happen to remember any other details? Height? Weight? Or a quick glimpse of the killer's face?" Quirrel asked innocently.

I kept my gaze on the floor.

"How did you hear about it?" Eloise asked, a small hitch in her voice betraying her nervousness.

"Well you t-told Hagrid. So n-naturally everyone knows."

"We only saw his shoe size professor," Hannah replied. I tried not to wince. I hope she didn't just give him new info.

"W-well l-let me know if you remember anything else. Anything at all..."

"Of course sir." Susan replied evenly.

We shuffled out of the room. I kept my gaze on the floor as we walked out. We walked down the corridor and turned several corners before I breathed a sigh of relief.

Eloise broke the silence first. "That was nerve wracking."

Susan turned abruptly towards Hannah. "Why did you tell him about the shoe size? Are you completely daft?"

"He can't be a suspect." Hannah looked alarmed. "He's the defense professor!"

I couldn't help scowling at her too. "So you managed to check his shoe size while we were in there?"

"No..."

Susan rubbed her temples. "If we wake up dead we know who to blame."

"What happened to 'Dumbledore has everything under control'?" Hannah asked defensively.

This time it as me rolling my eyes. "It's called lying Hannah."

Hannah was beginning to look upset. I know we're ganging up on her, but this is important. "Professor Quirrel is too incompetent to be a bad guy!"

"He does seem like a stiff wind could blow him over, but he could be acting," Susan replied.

Hannah scowled back at us. "You're being ridiculous. They're being ridiculous aren't they Eloise?"

Eloise looked alarmed to be dragged into our argument. "Um…" She glanced between the three of us, hesitated, and then seemed to gather her courage. "I'm sorry Hannah, but we need to be careful."

Hannah threw her hands up in the air. "Dumbledore wouldn't hire a dark wizard!"

I scoffed. "You think he'd write professional villain on his job application?"

Hannah looked close to tears. "Dumbledore is one of the most powerful wizards of our age. He was the only wizard You Know Who feared! He wouldn't mistakenly hire a dark wizard!"

Oh God. The irony of that statement. I don't even know where to start.

Susan answered for me though. "And a lot of people still died didn't they? Dumbledore doesn't know everything."

A look passed between Susan and Hannah that I didn't understand, and Hannah seemed to deflate. And well damn. Doubt in Dumbledore was not something I was expecting to hear from an eleven year old girl during this time period.

Oh wait... I remember reading something on the internet J.K Rowling said about Susan's family... Nearly all of Susan's extended family were killed in the last war. Even her cousins who were just small children. She wasn't old enough to remember it happening, but she would have grown up with the stories. Grown up with parents who remembered a funeral with several small caskets...

Yeah, I suppose the doubt makes sense.

"Let's just go." I started walking down the hallway and the other girls followed. "Arguing in the hallway isn't going to help anything. We don't want to be late for History of Magic." I patted Hannah's shoulder because I could tell she was still upset. "Just be careful okay?"

Not that Binns would notice if we were there or not, but I was really looking forward to a nice nap after all that stress.

* * *

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and sat down in the Room of Requirement.

I could technically cast a shield charm now.

It was the most basic of shield charms and it could only block spells and not physical objects, but it was a start. The beginning level shield charm would only flash for a few moments in front of your wand so you also had to get your timing right. There were other more advanced charms I would have to start on next including one that blocked physical objects, a permanent one that floated in front of you, and another meant for a dwelling that encompassed the user in a giant dome.

My library book mentioned that you could tie a shield charm as a permanent enchantment into a physical object and the shield would go off if someone spoke a list of code words out loud. Code words that you apparently had to tie into the enchantment. It looked crazy hard, but I made sure to write down the use references listed in that section for later. I did want to eventually deck myself out head to toe in enchanted items like an over powered dungeons and dragons character, but it looked like I was going to have to learn a lot more foundation spells first.

I also practiced Expelliarmus in the Room of Requirement. I could disarm a training dummy the room had helpfully provided, but it didn't exactly have an iron grip.

The jinxes/offensive spells I knew were still pretty limited to things I'd learned in class. I guess that will be my next project. Then I can focus on some more specific spells. Also, to be truly effective all of the spells I knew needed to be part of my muscle memory. I needed a training partner.

I lay back on the cool stone floor and gazed up upon the ceiling. The Room of Requirement had created a beautiful stained glass dome for the ceiling. The room was utterly silent with the only sound my calm breathing.

As I lay there, staring at the intricate stained glass, something niggled at the back of my mind. When it finally came to the surface, I felt a wave of surprise and shame.

I think I miss my family.

...But I didn't want to go home.

I didn't miss the smothering or constant clinginess for sure, but I would have liked to talk to my mom on the phone or send a letter. It's funny. I'm back in school in a child's body, but I feel more like an adult then I ever did back in my home dimension. One of my biggest mistakes in my past life was not going away to school and going to the local university. I never got out of my parents shadows or my small town. Now I could finally stand on my own.

I was never close with my dad so not talking to him for months wasn't that unusual. I didn't hate the guy, he just never really wanted to hang out with me and after awhile I stopped caring. I didn't have any siblings that would miss me. Was I even gone back in that other dimension?

I didn't have many friends either. I lost half of them when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. It's funny how that happens. I tried to stay in martial arts classes, but the endless parade of girls my ex would bring to "try out" martial arts class just made me miserable... far longer then it should have made me miserable. So in the end, I quit and took myself out of the equation. I was never very good at it anyways. God, it felt so good to be far far away from all that shit. Ha, you can't get any further than another dimension right?

I did miss my old friend Melissa though. Sometimes, I wish I could send her a text or something or show her all the amazing things I could do now. She'd been a big Harry Potter fan too.

Am I a terrible person that it took me months before I felt even a twinge of home sickness? And if I was given the opportunity to go home right now I wouldn't take it. I loved being able to start over and leave everything behind. All old expectations, habits, fears, regrets, the old weak lame me... gone. It was terrible and wonderful.

And I had magic now. Power that dripped off my finger tips and flowed through my veins. I wouldn't give up magic for anything. Or anyone.

If I looked at the Mirror of Erised right now, I wouldn't see my family.

I pulled myself up off the ground. I had some jinxes to learn.

* * *

Late summer faded into early autumn, and we had yet to hear anything else about the 'unicorn killer'.

"How goes helping Professor Kettleburn and Hagrid with the unicorns?" I finished coring my Croan apple and put the black slice in our bucket. We were in Herbology, coring apples that were midnight black and highly poisonous if eaten. I have no idea what Sprout was going to use them for. Bake an evil pie?

"It's been great. The foals have almost completely turned from gold to silver. We also work with whatever creatures they have in class that week. Unfortunately, there hasn't been any further news." Eloise wiped her knife on a towel. She'd accidently nicked one of the seeds and now the apple looked like it was bleeding.

"Well maybe they've just moved on?" I cored my apple and dropped the slice in the bucket. We still had a huge stack left. The apples were making me hungry. They smelled cloyingly inviting despite their hideous color.

"Any news of what?" Hermione asked. She was always my partner in Herbology (and Eloise's as well if we were in groups of threes) due to no one else wanting to pair up with her. I thought she had already mellowed considerably.

"Umm..." Eloise looked helplessly at me.

After the incident with Quirrel, we'd all been trying to keep our adventure on the downlow with our classmates. It was also because Susan was paranoid her aunt would have Hagrid fired. But I knew we could trust Hermione. And besides, if we acted like it was a big secret then she'd REALLY want to find out. I had to give her something.

"Hagrid said he found a dead unicorn in the forest a few weeks ago. We've been trying to figure out what happened," I whispered. That was more or less true. "Don't tell anyone okay? We don't want Hagrid to get in trouble."

Eloise frowned at me.

I know Eloise, I'm a hypocrite. But Hermione really would keep digging if it looked secret.

Hermione smiled sadly. "Who would I tell?"

Eloise met my eyes and looked distinctly uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. Is this one of those 'stiff British upper lip' moments? Eh, good thing I'm still a dumb American inside.

"Are the other Gryffindor girls still being jerks?" I wiped some apple juice off my fingers.

"Well..." Hermione looked uncomfortable too. "They're... we..." She sighed. "We don't have that much in common."

"Maybe you just haven't found any common ground yet? I mean, sure they seem a bit ditzy, but you can be into makeup and also bending the forces of the universe to your iron will." I posed dramatically with a black apple held in front of me.

"I'm sure none of them are aspiring to bend the forces of the universe to their will."

"Well I plan on bending the forces of the universe to my will, going to the moon, traveling the world learning secret lost magics, and learning how to give myself a different hair color every day on a whim. WANDLESSLY."

"Just small modest goals I see." Eloise rolled her eyes.

I stuck my tongue out at her.

"Maybe the unicorn death has something to do with the cerberus in the third floor corridor? Although, I can't imagine what." Hermione dropped another cored apple in the bin.

"The what?!" Eloise nicked her apple core again and her hand became covered in red goo. I looked over at her and... I don't know if I had suddenly become good at Legilimency or what, but I could clearly read her mind in that moment. She was thinking 'GIANT PUPPY'.

"It's not like a giant puppy," I added quickly, trying to head off this conversation. "They're untamed creatures."

"It might be a puppy. I don't know how you tell." Hermione looked thoughtful.

You're not helping Hermione.

"I have to go see it." Eloise eyes were gleaming and she was still covered in red goo. An unnerving combination.

"You can't. It's against the rules." Hermione frowned.

"We're only going to sneak a quick peek. You're not going to tell on us are you?" Eloise frowned back at Hermione.

"Snitches get stitches," I added. The two girls looked at me in alarm. "Uh sorry I wasn't actually threatening you. I just always wanted to use that phrase in the appropriate context."

The two girls turned back towards each other.

"It's against the rules because it's dangerous." Hermione put her hands on her hips.

"If it's so dangerous, then how do you know about it?" Red goop was dripping on our work table from Eloise's hands.

"I was concerned about my housemates so I followed them there."

"So you were concerned that someone was breaking the rules so you broke the rules and followed them?" Eloise raised an eyebrow.

Hermione blushed. "Well... yes."

"If you tattle on us, then we will tattle on you and tell a professor where we heard about it from."

It was my turn to frown. "We?"

Eloise shrugged. "You're going too aren't you?"

I paused and took a second to think about it and was a bit surprised by my answer. "Yes. But you need to ask first. I could have had plans. Secret plans."

Eloise waved her hand dismissively. "You don't have any plans."

"I have plans! And secrets! Secrets you'd be shocked to hear."

Eloise chuckled. "You're an open book Kasey."

Hermione patted my shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve."

I glared at both of them. "Whatever. I have depth. Tons of depth," I mumbled and threw my cored apple into the bin. Hmmf as if any of YOU are an interdimensional time traveling thirty year old in an eleven year old's body and former Muggle. I got depth like the ocean. A very deep ocean.

Hermione sighed. "Fine. I won't tell. But if you get killed or worse expelled... I told you so!"

"You're such a busy body." Eloise scowled at Hermione again.

"And you're going to be killed!"

I stepped between them. "We'll be fine. A quick look couldn't hurt as long as we're careful. It's chained down isn't it?" I paused and turned toward Eloise. "And we will NOT try to pet it."

"How did you know it was chained down?"

"Just a guess. Besides, we'll bring a flute."

Hermione and Eloise looked at me like I was insane.

"Flute music makes giant three headed dogs sleepy! It's a thing!"

Eloise patted my head like a dog. "You're a bit barmy too."

Our conversation was interrupted by a commotion at the front of the room. Sprout was bounding forwarded to Wayne and Justin's table. Justin froze at her approach with his fingers in his mouth. He'd absentmindedly licked some of the apple juice from his fingers.

"Oh dear..." Sprout was shaking her head at Justin. "Mr. Finch-Fletchley, what part of poisonous was I unclear on?"

Justin unfroze, a look of horror on his face. "Oh God... am I going to die?!"

"No, but I suggest you get to the loo... quickly."

Justin ran out of the room at top speed.

Hermione and Eloise were a lot less cordial in Herbology for several weeks after that, but Eloise never abandoned me to work with Hermione alone.

And on the plus side, after Justin Finch-Fletchley crapped his pants in the hallway running to the loo, no one cared anymore about my lack of eyebrows.

* * *

I walked out of the library, carrying three new books. I got another book on jinxes (the one I bought at the start of the year was a bit disappointing), a history book on ancient Greece (most of the Gods were actually witches/wizards!), and one on wilderness survival. I was not getting lost in the forest again. Or if I did, I would know which way north was and that would probably be useful.

I had just enough time to get back to my dorm to drop off the books before going to dinner. The kitchen had smelled like spaghetti this afternoon and I couldn't wait. Lunch had been this horrible combination of beef and mint in a pie that only I had recognized for the monstrosity that it was. So I hadn't eaten much and was now STARVING.

Soon spaghetti, I shall devour you like Lovecraftian Azathoth upon an unsuspecting Earth...

I turned a corner and stopped abruptly. A small group of first years were gathered, but I couldn't see what was going on. I briefly thought about turning around, then I saw Hermione burst out of the group and run by me without noticing I was there.

The crowd parted, and I could see Lavender Brown standing in the center with disgusting boils all over her face. The rest of the Gryffindor girls, Sophie Roper, Sallie Smith, and Parvati Patil, stood next to her.

Lavender eyes were wild and she was obviously panicking. "What did she do?! Someone give me a mirror! She can't take a joke at all!"

I stepped forward. "What did you say to her?"

Lavender glared at me. With her disgusting face, it was actually a bit intimidating. "Mind your own business, Eyebrows!"

"Wow... you are rough to look at." I stared. I hope I never get hit with that one.

Sophie Roper laughed.

Lavender looked even more panicked. "What's she's done to me?! Parvati, lone me your compact!"

Parvati pulled her compact out of her bag and handed it to Lavender. Lavender opened the compact, paused for a moment, and then let out a blood curdling scream.

"I'll going to tell Professor McGonagall!" Lavender touched her cheek and then recoiled as one of the boils burst leaking puss. "Miss Perfect is going to get in so much trouble!"

I raised an eyebrow (well I moved the skin where my eyebrow would have been). "Are you sure that's a good idea? I bet McGonagall gives you detention too just for bothering her on the weekend."

Lavender paused, unsure.

"That's some impressive magic. The Fervero curse is quite advanced." I paused for dramatic effect. "It's too bad it's permanent," I lied.

Lavender's look of horror made me feel bad for her, but then I remember that crack about my eyebrows and figured we were even. We had already learned a counter spell for this curse and how to brew an anti-boil potion. She'd figure that out eventually.

Sophie Roper must have already realized my joke. She was laughing so hard she was holding her sides. Why does Lavender hang out with her?

"Good luck on the whole 'future of disfigurement' thing Lavender. Later." I called out and walked away to see how Hermione was doing. I couldn't keep a straight face for much longer.

Sophie Roper was still laughing.

* * *

Hermione hadn't went far. My instincts took me to the girl's bathroom on the same floor. My steps faltered as I walked into the girl's bathroom. Bright sunlight streamed through two thick frosted windows at an angle that illuminated the dust motes in the air. The only sound in the room was (what I assume were) Hermione's soft sobs. We were alone. I wasn't sure exactly what to say to her.

"Hermione?" I asked while approaching the last stall. There was no answer. "Hermione... are you okay? It's me, Kasey. Don't let those mean kids get to you okay?"

Hermione didn't respond, but the crying subsided to loud sniffles.

"Personally, I think they're jealous of you because you're the second smartest kid in our class."

"Second?" Even through her sniffles, Hermione sounded indignant.

"After me of course."

Hermione laughed behind the stall.

"Hey, you just wait until exam time!" Actually, I think I'll probably be somewhere in the top ten but not the top. There's no way I was also beating all of the Ravenclaws.

Hermione laughed again and then loudly blew her nose. "I just... thought things would be different here."

I sat down on the window sill taking a few moments to compose my thoughts. "People are the same everywhere you go. It's just the details that change. I moved across the world and then into a secret society of magical people. And the mean girls still act exactly the same."

Yeah, that'll cheer her up. But I know I'd rather hear the truth.

Hermione was silent for so long I started to wonder if she was going to ignore me, then in a quiet voice she whispered, "Why does everyone hate me?"

I sighed. "No one hates you. You just come across kind of ... strong sometimes."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked quietly from behind the stall.

"People don't like to be told they're wrong. I know that your intention is to give people correct information. I know you're just getting excited because there's all this new exciting information out there and you want everyone to know. But... when you correct people, they don't hear 'the thing you're doing is stupid' or 'the thing you said was wrong'. They hear YOU are stupid. YOU are wrong."

"So I'm supposed to pretend that I'm not intelligent?" Hermione's voice was evening out and her sass seemed to be coming back.

"No, of course not. But sometimes you just have to let people make their own mistakes. If you just stopped telling people what to do, life would go a lot smoother. People hate being told what to do. Once you grow up and become Minister you can get your fill on being bossy."

"Minister? That's ridiculous. And I'm not bossy I only want things to be done right."

"And you do that by telling people that they're wrong." I laughed.

"Because they are!"

"Yes, Madam Minister."

"That's not funny." She didn't sound too offended.

"I know that being obsessed with makeup and boys is beyond idiotic when we have the literal power to manipulate the universe within our grasps. But sometimes to get along with other people you have to pretend like other people's stupid shit isn't stupid."

Hermione snorted in a very unladylike way. "I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not."

"I'm not saying you have to start pretending to like the same things. You don't want to take it too far and end up in the fanclub of a Muggle hating boy band."

"What?" Hermione asked.

"Uh, nevermind. Anyways, just stay respectful of other people's interests. Like, my cousin has this hideously ugly baby. It has these big bulging eyes and squished nose. It looks like a pug. But because I want to keep the peace so I go 'Oh, that's nice' any time she brings out those ugly baby photos."

It was actually someone I used to work with, but the analogy still stands.

Hermione laugh. "I think you're getting your metaphors confused. Also, that's horrible."

"It's better than what I want to say, 'Oh God what is that'?!"

"You're horrible!" She laughed again.

"But you laughed."

Hermione blew her nose again and then was quiet for a few moments. "You're lucky. You don't seem to have problems making friends."

"I just got lucky that all of my roommates are nice." When everyone starts dating and I don't, I'm sure I'll get to be the weird girl again. Any guy younger than at least twenty is going to make me feel like a creepo. Ah well, popularity has always been fleeting.

"I suppose I can try to make small talk and be a bit less bossy."

"You say that as if your head will explode if you try."

"If it does, I will ensure I'm standing next to you." Her voice seemed normal now.

"Someone just lost my vote! I'm sure you'll be fine though. You're a brave Gryffindor."

"Well you're a... good Hufflepuff."

Damning with faint praise…

"I wanted to be in Gryffindor."

"You did?" Hermione sounded surprised.

I scowled at the memory. It still stung. "Begged the hat even. But it told me no. Don't tell anyone okay?"

"Well, I wish you had been. We could have been friends."

"We're not? Why else do you think I'm standing in this stinky old bathroom missing dinner? I don't miss dinner willy-nilly you know. I'm a legendary glutton. I dream of roast beef at night. Nearly ate my pillow once."

Hermione snorted.

"So come on out. You're keeping your friend from being able to stuff her face. We're having spaghetti Hermione. This is a serious matter. If we get back there and the spaghetti is gone and they already have dessert out, I WILL cry. And it will be your fault."

Hermione came out of the stall. Her eyes were still rimmed with red, but she was smiling. "You're so weird."

We walked back to the Great Hall together.

* * *

The month of October passed by quickly, and Halloween snuck up on me. Before I knew it, the Great Hall had been decorated for the Halloween Feast. Jack-o'-lanterns floated along the ceiling as if they were apples bobbing about in an invisible sea. Some of the jack-o'-lanterns were made with turnips for some reason. Bats flitted about the rafters. Orange and black ribbons decorated the head table.

It's too bad no one seemed to know what I was talking about when I asked if anyone was going to make a Halloween costume. I bet magic could make some really awesome costumes. Maybe I'll try to convince a Professor next year we should have a costume party. Flitwick and Sprout might go for it. Lockhart too. Ugh, I'm not looking forward to dealing with that buffoon.

At least after the events of tonight, Hermione will finally get the close friends she so desperately needs. And most importantly, she'll be in place to help keep Harry from dying an early death and dooming the wizarding world.

I was worried about how I was going to get Hermione to work with Ron during charms class, or if there had been so many ripples in the future that the 'Wingardium Leviosa' incident wouldn't even happen. However, Flitwick didn't let me down. Not only were we working on the spell, but he also assigned Hermione to work with Ron. Flitwick had decided that the class needed help 'making friends' so we were all with classmates we didn't normally talk to. I had been assigned to work with Roger Malone. Despite being a fellow Hufflepuff, I don't think I'd ever said a single word to Roger.

It quickly became apparent why I hadn't spoken to him.

"Ye look like wan o'clock half struck."

I couldn't understand anything he said.

"Um, yes?"

I glanced over at Ron and Hermione. They were arguing about something. Roger noticed and pointed their way. "Hermione's up to high doh yeh?"

"Yes?" I tried. Yes or no answers had a 50/50 chance of being the correct answer after all.

"Fit like?"

"Uh I suppose. I've been doing a lot of walking."

I was pretty sure he was speaking English, but the words were either incomprehensible to me due to his Scottish accent, or arranged in weird combinations that made no sense.

"Yer heid's in a fankle." Roger replied, looking concerned.

"Ah, yes?" I said in the most noncommittal way I could.

Roger laughed like I made a joke.

Everyone else seems to understand him perfectly fine. Am I being pranked or what? Maybe it will be fine if I just do all the talking.

"Well let's get started on Wingardium Leviosa. I've tried it before. It's not too bad." I snuck another look over at Hermione and Ron. They were scowling at each other.

"It'll be a skoosh," Roger replied enthusiastically.

Was a skoosh bad?

"Wingardium Leviosa!" I swished and flicked and the feather in front of us rose into the air. My feather zoomed a bit too fast to the ceiling and then fell back again, but nothing got embedded in the ceiling this time. I saw across the room that Hermione had sent her feather into the air at nearly the same time. I saw her eyes narrow competitively at me from across the room.

"Pure barry!" Roger exclaimed and smiled.

Surely he's making fun of me now. "Uh, your turn."

"Wingardium Leviooosa!" Roger called out. His feather did a sad little wiggle. "This is a right fouter this."

"Try again, you can get it. You have to really enunciate the 'Oh' in Leviosa."

"Aye right."

"That's the spirit. You can do it."

Roger gave me a weird look. Roger said something back, and it seemed like a random smoosh of vowels and consonants but still vaguely (MADDENINGLY vaguely) English. He then took a deep breath and called out, "Wingardium Levi-Oh-sa!"

His feather floated up.

"Awesome! Good job Wayne. I guess we just keep practicing?"

"Ah dinnae ken."

It's going to be a looong class period.

* * *

Hermione and Ron had indeed had an argument after Charms class where he claimed she didn't have any friends. I saw her run off looking upset, and this time I did not follow. Am I doing the right thing? What if Harry doesn't choose to follow after her after Quirrel's announcement? Would I have time to get a teacher? Would I not have time to get a teacher and would have to fight a troll myself? I wasn't sure how I would fare if I did.

What if one of the kids get hurt? Or killed? Am I doing the right thing?

But if the golden trio never gets together, Harry's in big trouble. I hate this. I wish this day would hurry up and be over already.

Butterflies danced in my stomach as I entered the Great Hall for the Halloween Feast. The floating pumpkins glittered and the charmed bats fluttered to and fro. There were already plates on each house table piled high with food.

Well this is it. Another bit of the canon book plot was coming. I hope I didn't somehow change things so much that the kids would get hurt-

I paused in shock.

Hermione Granger was at the Gryffindor table.

Why was she here? Why wasn't she in the bathroom crying?

Hermione saw that I was looking her way and waved at me. I forced a smile and waved back... and then I realized why she wasn't in the bathroom.

Because what Ron had said wasn't true. Hermione did have friends. Or at least she had one...

Me.

I sat down at the end of Hufflepuff table, anxiously hoping that fate would somehow reinsert itself, but when Professor Quirrel burst through the room screaming of trolls Hermione was still there. She left the Great Hall with the rest of her house to go back to her dorm room.

On October 31st 1991, Hermione Granger did not become friends with Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.

And it was all my fault.


	11. Money is Also Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note: Kasey has officially derailed canon. What do you think the consequences will be?

I figured out how to get the Marauder's Map on a cold Saturday morning in early November. When the idea hit me, it was like a ton of bricks straight to my brain. It was ridiculously obvious in hindsight. I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. I was an idiot; the Supreme Mugwump of Stupidity.

However in my defense, I'd been pretty poor most of my life.

I found the Weasley twins up to something near the entrance to the kitchen. Not sure what the hell they were doing, but I saw one of them slyly slide something into a backpack at my approach.

"Excuse me, can I talk to you for a moment alone?"

George or Fred, raised an eyebrow, smirked, and elbowed his brother. "Oh ho ho..."

The twin that was elbowed smirked too. "But which one?"

"Both of you actually there's something I'd like to ask you."

The twins took on identical expressions of annoyance.

"Hey, we're not interchangeable." George... or Fred said. You know what? Fuck it. From now on, they're Twin 1 and Twin 2.

Twin 2 wagged his finger at me. "You're a terrible person for thinking that."

Twin 1 winked at me. "Also you're a little young for us."

Twin 2 winked. "We're teenagers now you know. 13 year old men with sophisticated tastes."

Oh gross.

Twin 1 ran his hands through his hair. I think he thought it was a suave move. "We're very flattered but-"

"Good God. I don't have a crush on you!" Yuck. They're thirteen year old little kids. I thought I had at least another year before this creepy shit started happening to me!

Twin 2 seemed to straighten up. "So it's me you have a crush on. The handsomer twin."

Twin 1 scowled at his brother. "I'm obviously the more handsome—"

"I don't have a crush on either of you!" My head hurts. "Can I just talk to you a moment? There's an empty classroom down the hall."

"Sorry we really have to get going." Twin 1 turned around and started to walk away.

"Important things to do you know!" Twin 2 turned around to follow his brother.

"And mischief that needs managed?" I added to their retreating backs.

George and Fred Weasley both froze and turned back toward me in unison.

Twin 1 walk to my right side. "Interesting turn of phrase you have there."

Twin 2 walked up to my left side. "Very interesting..."

"Almost like I'm solemnly up to no good?" I asked, unamused.

Twin 1 frowned. "We're listening."

"Come on." I pointed to an empty classroom down the hall. "We should speak in private."

I winced at my choice of words, but they didn't take the bait and followed me to the empty classroom. The place was covered in dust. Faded gray sheets covered the furniture. It looked like it used to be a professor's office. I looked left and right down the hallway before closing the doors. Luckily, the corridor was still empty.

I didn't bother to mince words.

"I want to buy the Marauder's' Map."

Fred and Georges' mouths opened wide in shock.

Twin 1 squinted his eyes at me. "Who are you?"

I held out my hand for Twin 1 to shake, shook his hand, and then shook Twin 2's hand too. "I'm Kasey Thompson. And you're Fred and George Weasley. Or George and Fred Weasley. I can't tell. Anyways, I want to buy your map."

Twin 2 crossed his hands over his chest. "I don't know how you found out about the map, but it's not for sale."

"Oh? How about say, 10 galleons?" I reached out into my bag and pulled out my money pouch with the extendable charm. The twins goggled at me again. "No? 30 galleons."

Twin 2's eyes were wide. "I-It's not for sale."

"50 galleons."

Twin 1 opened his mouth, shut it, and then shook his head. "It's not—"

"100 galleons."

Twin 2 glared at me. "You don't have 100 galleons!"

"No?" I walked to an empty desk, took out my gold pouch, and started pouring gold on the desk. The pile got bigger, and bigger...

The twins were utter gob smacked. It was Goddamned glorious.

Twin 1 walked forward toward the gold pile hesitantly and then poked it to be sure it was real. "But how did you..."

I shrugged in what I hoped was a nonchalant 'cool kid' kinda way. "I'm rich."

Twin 2 walked over to the pile of gold, picked a piece up and bit it. He then waved his wand over the gold. It glowed red for a second. "It's real..." He put the galleon he bit back into the pile. "We need to discuss this."

The twins walked off to the other side of the room and huddled together. For the next few minutes, I heard frantic whispers. Occasionally, one would look back longingly at the pile of gold. I spent the time shoving some of the gold back into my money pouch. I went a little overboard dumping it out. Finally, after nearly five minutes of debate the twins walked back over.

Twin 1 held out his hand. "You have a deal."

I reached out and shook his hand. "I'm glad you saw reason." I went over to the desk to count out the gold and then handed it to them in fistfuls. Like the future businessmen they would become, they recounted it themselves. "It goes without saying that we keep this exchange to ourselves alright?"

Twin 2 snorted. "No bloody kidding. If Mum knew we had this much money, she'd think we robbed a jewelry store."

Twin 1 reached into his book bag and held out a piece of faded yellow parchment. "Here."

I took the parchment from him, pulled out my wand from my pocket, and tapped the paper. "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good."

The map sprang to life with hundreds of little dots. At first, the entire map was very small. Then I tapped the floor that we were in and it zoomed to show only our floor. I saw my name and the twins. It turns out Twin 2 was George and Twin 1 was Fred. I tapped the outside again and all of Hogwarts appeared. I tapped the Gryffindor tower with my wand and it zoomed in. Ron was in his dorm room and also... Peter Pettigrew was right beside him. I got him.

"Mischief Managed." I said and tapped the map again. It cleared and became a blank piece of parchment once again.

George frowned at me. "How did you know about the map?"

"You even know the damn passwords!" Fred looked a bit too pissed off for a kid who just made 100 galleons.

I schooled my face to look deadly serious. "That..." I leaned towards them and indicated they get close. I waited a second until I had both of their rapt attention, then smirked. "...Is a secret."

The twins blinked and their expression got stuck somewhere between amused and annoyed as I laughed and walked out of the room. It wasn't often that you got to make the Weasley twins speechless. It felt good!

If there were a few more dung bombs in the hallways in the next few weeks, no one pointed their fingers at me.

* * *

It only took me one Saturday morning library session to cover my backside. Finding information about Pettigrew and Sirius in old newspapers had been fairly easy. I knew roughly the time period to search and it was quite the scandal at the time. The 'blowing up Muggles in public' incident was even mentioned in the book "The Rise and Fall of the Dark Lord". So now I had a plausible reason to know about Pettigrew and Sirius.

Looking into the Sirius incident also taught me something else; there is nothing like a bill of citizen rights in the British Wizarding Ministry. And wasn't that scary?

The next part of my plan physically hurt me to do. I bet the Weasley twins would have keeled over dead if I told them what I was going to do with the map. But what was a magical device that let me avoid all teachers and bullies for the next six and a half years compared to one man's freedom?

Sirius, you better not get yourself prematurely killed again.

With a heavy heart, I knocked on Professor Flitwick's office door. "Excuse me Professor? May I speak to you for a moment?"

It was Professor Flitwick's Saturday office hours so I didn't feel too bad bothering him. Technically, I probably should have went to my head of house Professor Sprout, but she seemed so grandmotherly. It was hard to take her seriously. The other heads of house wouldn't do either. Snape obviously was out. I don't think McGonagall would take me seriously. I also was not going to talk face to face with Dumbledore EVER if I could help it. So that left Professor Flitwick. He was some kind of dueling champion wasn't he? I also thought he liked me. I was doing very well in charms class.

I knocked again and waited while I heard some rustling on the other side of the door. Then Professor Flitwick called out, "Come in."

I opened the heavy wooden door and walked in. Professor Flitwick's office had paper and books stacked on nearly every inch of floor space. Some stacks were all books, some were all paper, and some were interspersed with paper and books. The stacks looked dangerously precarious, but as I walked around them they didn't sway. It was as if they were super glued together and bolted to the floor. Magic was weird.

I stepped gingerly around a stack of Muggle notebooks, and sat in a chair in front of his desk. "I apologize for bothering you Professor. Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

Flitwick smiled. "You're welcome any time, Miss Thompson. I was taking a break. Have you seen my teacup? It seems to have run off."

"Oh. I didn't see any um..." I paused. "Little feet scurrying about?"

Flitwick shrugged. "Once it gets hungry it'll come back. It always does. How can I help you?"

I took a deep breath. "I've come across something... Well it's going to seem quite outlandish. All I ask is you let me explain completely before you tell me if you believe me or not."

"Generally, the heads of house deal with student issues. Are you sure you wouldn't rather talk with Professor Sprout?"

"It's nothing like that. It's uh, magic related and I thought you would have more expertise in it? McGonagall would have the expertise as well, but I wasn't sure if she'd take me seriously."

"Go on." Professor Flitwick smiled kindly.

Here we go.

"I was researching the fall of You Know Who earlier in the year. It seemed very important and I doubted Professor Binns would cover it any time soon. In my research, I came across that crazy Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black scandal."

Professor Flitwick's eyebrows went to his hairline, but he let me continue.

"I didn't think much of it at the time. Then I got this map…" With great reluctance, I pulled the Marauder's' Map out of my bag. "Now before I show you this. I know this is probably something I'm not supposed to have. I've only been using it to avoid bullies, but if you have to give detention for having it; so be it. This is more important than detention." I sighed and took one last look at the marauders map and then tapped it with my wand. "I'm solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

The map sprang to life.

Flitwick nearly fell out of his chair. "My word!"

I touched the Gryffindor common room and the map zoomed into that area. "This map shows all of Hogwarts and its inhabitants. I bought it off another student. I don't think they made it either. Anyways, while I was messing around with it I noticed that there was someone in the first year Gryffindor boy's dormitory that I didn't know. He isn't in any of my classes, but he always sleeps in the first year boys Gryffindor dormitory."

I pointed to Peter Pettigrew's name and Flitwick gasped.

"It took me awhile to remember why the name seemed familiar. I double checked it to be the book "The Fall of the Dark Lord". Peter Pettigrew was supposed to have been killed by Sirius Black nearly a decade ago. How could it be him? It must be some mistake right? But then I remembered McGonagall turning into an Animagus on the first day of class. I asked around and learned that Ron Weasley had a pet rat that slept in his bed every night. So I taught myself the Homenum Revelio charm and then waited until Ron had his rat with him. I then snuck by him and cast it... and there was no doubt. That pet rat wasn't a rat at all."

I learned forward, Flitwick was hanging on my every word. "Ron's pet rat is Peter Pettigrew. He's even missing the finger Pettigrew supposedly had blown off! And if Peter Pettigrew is still alive, then Sirius Black has been in Azkaban for years for a crime he didn't commit!"

I feel like Sherlock Holmes. I sat back and looked nervously at Professor Flitwick. He seemed dumbstruck. After a few moments, he seemed to gather himself back together. He picked up the map and peered at it himself. He then waved his wand a few times, muttering to himself. Finally, he looked back up at me. "Miss Thompson, please perform the human revealing charm for me?"

"Huh?" That's what he was hung up about?

"It's quite advanced for a first year."

"Oh uh... all right." I pulled out my wand. "Homenum Revelio!"

Flitwick and myself began to faintly glow although it only looked that way for me. It didn't actually make anything glow. The Glow-o-vision reminded me of a video game.

Flitwick nodded vigorously. "Excellent. Flawless. 10 Points to Hufflepuff." He jumped down from his desk. "I will need to borrow this map Miss Thompson. I do not know when or if you will get it back."

I sighed. "That's fine. I knew what I was getting into when I came here."

Flitwick picked up the map and started walking out of the room.

I rushed to catch up to him leaving my bag behind. "Wait! Do you believe me?"

Flitwick paused and turned around. "Yes. I do believe you. I'm going to take this matter to Dumbledore straight away."

"Be careful! If he knows you know, he'll try to get away. A rat could easily get away in this castle. I came to you because I knew you were a dueling champion badass."

Flitwick chuckled. "1 Point to Hufflepuff for excellent use of flattery. Now if you'll excuse me." Flitwick started walking away. I jogged to catch up with him. His little legs could really book it.

"Wait!" Flitwick paused again, and I hurried to explain myself. "You won't mention me will you? Of course, I expect you to mention me to Dumbledore, but if this blows up and it's in the newspaper I don't want my name in it or if he gets away and wants revenge or whatever please don't mention me."

Ugh, now I'm babbling.

"Are you certain? If this is true, you did a good thing Miss Thompson. You deserve some recognition."

I shook my head and tried to sound like a meek little Hufflepuff. "Please. I don't like the spotlight. You or Dumbledore can take credit. I don't mind."

Flitwick shrugged. "If you wish. I will make sure your name is omitted. Now if you will excuse me, I must see Dumbledore at once." Flitwick hurried away, leaving his office door open.

I watched Flitwick disappear around a corner and then let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. Well, it's out of my hands now. Here's to hoping he doesn't get away and they left me out of the news. Even a little bit of spotlight on myself could crumble away my fragile false identity. Dumbledore finding out I'm some weirdo time traveler from another dimension would be bad enough, but the Ministry? It gives me chills just thinking about it.

I walked back to Flitwick's office and picked up my bag. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a tea cup with hairy feet scurrying under a cabinet. I shrugged and I closed Flitwick's door.

* * *

That night I tried to study but I was a little too nervous for anything to sink in. Eventually, I gave up and just hung out with my dorm mates in the Hufflepuff common room. Surely, I'd hear about something going down with Pettigrew through the rumor mill? I even tried playing Wizard chess with Susan to pass the time, but I was just as terrible at wizard chess as I had always been at the Muggle version.

"Which way can the horsey move again?" I peered at the board. My pieces were wailing about their lot in life and occasionally pretending to be already dead.

"You really are terrible at this." Susan took one of my bishops. It 'thanked God for the sweet release of death'.

"Can you mute these guys?" I poked my queen. "Hey, I know you're not dead."

My red queen opened her eyes, stood back up, and with a great sigh of suffering took one of Susan's pawns. When Susan took her turn, my queen pretended to stab herself with her ceremonial sword and lay still once more.

The board looks pretty hopeless for me. "I forfeit. I've never been much of a chess person."

My remaining pieces jumped up and cheered.

"That was the easiest game I've ever played." Susan stated and rearranged her pieces to set up for another game. I got up so Eloise could play instead.

"I really appreciate your brutal self esteem destroying honesty," I replied and plopped down into one of the ridiculously comfy Hufflepuff lounge chairs.

"You're welcome." Susan replied and turned to focus on her new game.

I got comfortable and tried to read "You Can Never be Too Paranoid: Protective Charms for your shoelaces and More!".I attempted to read the chapter, "Taming Gravity: When Falling Is Only One Option". Hmm Repente Maximus makes falling objects continuously bounce for one minute. Well that sounds terrifying but better than dying. Eh, Immobulus stops falling objects in mid air but you can't use it on yourself…. Ugh I can't read right now. The words are blurring together.

What if Pettigrew escaped? Sirius could still be in Azkaban. He wouldn't even try to escape in two years because he would never see Pettigrew in the Weasley family vacation photo. What if Sirius was free? Would Harry get to live with him? How in the world could I find out? Asking Harry seems a bit out of line. 'Hi Harry! My name is Kasey. Do you still have to stay with your abusive relatives? No, you don't know me. I'm just horribly rude and know a creepy amount of details regarding your life despite never speaking to you before. Tee hee'.

I really need to find an excuse to talk to that kid.

"Cassie, how did you suddenly get 301 points for Hufflepuff?" One of the seventh year prefects asked from beside me causing me to jump. I didn't see her approach. She was chubby and had two long light brown braids that fell to nearly her knees and very crooked teeth. She had her hands on her hips and was looking at me like I was a particularly peculiar stain at the bottom of her cauldron.

301?! Damn.

"My name isn't Cassie..."

"Sorry Stacey. How did you get 301 points? And can you replicate it about three more times?"

Also not named Stacey... But hey, I don't remember her name either.

"Why do you think it was me?"

"Because I asked Professor Sprout. Although, she wouldn't tell me why. Said it wasn't important."

Susan and Eloise had paused in their game and were watching our exchange with wide eyes.

"Oh. Uh... I learned some advanced charms. I think I impressed Flitwick?"

That was all technically true...

The Prefect looked unimpressed and scrunched up her nose. "That's all? That still seems like an excessive amount of points." She shrugged. "I suppose if it was a mistake it'll be corrected soon. And here I thought I had something to lord over that bint Claudia Hornbee." The prefect walked away.

Hannah walked up. She had been standing behind the prefect (and dwarfed by the prefect's massive shadow I guess). "How did you REALLY get 301 points?!"

"Uh, I learned Protego, Expelliarmus, Homenum Revelio, and the Point Me spell in my spare time."

Also technically true.

Hannah looked unconvinced. "But still... 301 points?"

I shrugged. "He must have been feeling generous that day."

Hannah sank down into a chair next to me. "Only you would have that much spare time."

"Time management skills are very important you know." I put my book back into my bag.

Hannah slumped down into her chair and looked at me unimpressed and still clearly unconvinced by my lies. "Uh huh."

I pulled out my day planner from my bag and pointed to my daily schedule. "See? I budgeted out my time efficiently."

Hannah glanced at my day planner in disgust. "You're the only eleven year old I know with a day planner."

"I think Hermione has one too," Eloise piped up and then moved her queen. They'd went back to their game.

Hannah ran her hands through her hair. "Ugh. I know two eleven year olds with a day planner. Where have I went wrong in my life?"

I think Hermione is twelve actually.

"I have a day planner too," Susan added.

Hannah's look of utter betrayal was legendary.

"Hard work is a corner stone of being a Hufflepuff," Susan added again without looking up from her game.

Hannah shook her head sadly and stood up. "I'm going to go back to the dorms and do something fun and frivolous before my childhood is completely taken from me and I'm working in a cubicle and going home to complain to my husband about how much paperwork I have to do." Hannah walked away.

I raised an eyebrow (well it was about half an eyebrow at this point). "That was oddly specific."

Susan looked up from her game and grinned evilly. "You're going to turn into your mum Hannah! You cannot escape it!"

Hannah flashed Susan her middle finger and she disappeared into our dorm room.

"That wasn't very nice." Eloise commented and took another one of Susan's pawns.

Susan shrugged, unconcerned. "I've known Hannah since we were in nappies. Our parents work together as aurors. She'll be fine."

Eloise looked sad. "She doesn't get along with her mum?"

"They're very different. I heard her mum once took out a grown mountain troll with her bare hands. She's really not the pink frilly type."

"That's too bad. Everyone should get along with their mum." Eloise knocked over another one of Susan's pieces.

"I forfeit. I should start on the potion essay that's due tomorrow." Susan gave me a pointed look. "I'm sure you have completed yours already."

"Yeah, I got mine done on Friday."

Susan looked at me incredulously. "The day it was assigned? You are ridiculous." Susan gathered up her stuff and went to sit on the large study table in the center of the room (everyone called it 'the table of infinite snacks'). Eloise came over and sat in the chair next to me.

"I ordered some special x-ray glasses so we could go up to the cerberus and look at it through the wall." Zonko's mail order catalog had a warning the specs were not allowed at Hogwarts. They still owl mailed them directly to me at Hogwarts, anyways. The wonderful cheeky bastards.

"Brilliant. X-ray spectacles?"

"They weren't called x-ray specs, but that's what they are. That way we could look at the beast without dying."

I'm very pro not dying.

"I suppose..."

"They're not tame. You can't pet them." I feel like that couldn't be emphasized enough.

"Well they never will be tame if no one interacts with them... Is a cerberus a 'them' or an 'it'?"

"No idea. I'm also going to cast the human revealing spell to keep a look out for teachers. It works through doors too. I should know if anyone is coming up on us."

You could see the glow through walls. I should be able to see the glow anywhere on the floor.

"Sunday afternoon then?"

I nodded. "Yes. And no trying to pet it. Or them. Whatever."

Eloise smiled. "As long as it doesn't seem like it WANTS to be pet."

"No. Petting. The giant. Puppy."

"So you're saying it is a giant puppy?"

I sighed.

* * *

Sunday breakfast at Hogwarts was always a relaxed affair. Half the kids slept in and skipped breakfast entirely. I chewed on my beans on toast. The traditional English breakfast was growing on me. I'd still rather have some bacon and eggs, but after I learned the anti-farting charm (in the book "You can never be too paranoid!" because farts let people track you by scent), it's been an acceptable breakfast. I wonder if I could convince the elves to make some pancakes sometimes? I haven't had any pancakes in forever. Or pizza. God I'd love to have some pizza. Are there magical pizza delivery services? Because they Goddamned should be. Hmm, future business opportunity?

Justin slid into the space next to Wayne across the table from me.

"Good morning Justin. Looks like you came prepared for the day." Wayne remarked as he reached for the pitcher of orange juice.

Justin looked over to him. "What?"

"You wore your brown pants today."

"I hate you." Justin scowled. "I could have died that day I'll have you know."

Wayne laughed. "From poo?"

"From poison! My life flashed before my eyes!"

"Did it look like a bunch of poo?"

I tuned the two of them out. They'd be at this for awhile. I glanced over at the Gryffindor table. Neither Ron nor Harry were at the breakfast table. That wasn't unusual, though. The two of them often slept past breakfast on the weekend. Now that I think about it, it's a bit stalker-ish that I know that...

The morning owls swooped into the Great Hall. A large barn owl landed in front of me and dropped my copy of the Daily Prophet in front me. I tipped the bird hurriedly and unfolded the paper.

The headline said it all.

SIRIUS BLACK FOUND INNOCENT! RELEASED FROM PRISON!

I did it! I finally made a positive difference in this world! Oh wait there's more...

PETER PETTIGREW SECRET DEATH EATER? SUSPECT ESCAPES AUROR CUSTODY!

I slumped in my seat and let my head fall forward on the table.

Bollocks.


	12. Giant Puppies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I think I had the most fun writing this chapter than any other chapter so far.

By Monday morning, the news of Pettigrew and Ron and Harry's involvement in the situation had spread to the entire school. Ron, for his part, was trying to spin it that he 'had an inkling all along'.

Hermione wasn't having any of it.

"I always knew something was off," Ron had stated to an audience of second years. I rested against the wall and watched the group. The girls were leaning into every word he had to say. Harry was standing next to Ron and seemed in quite an upbeat mood. "He was always just a bit too smart for a rat. The suspicion was always at the back of my mind."

"No it wasn't." Hermione appeared abruptly behind Ron like Goddamned Batman. "You had no idea. You were even trying to cast spells on him on the train to turn him yellow."

Ron turned bright red and the second year girls giggled.

But Hermione wasn't done, and pounced on in for the kill. "I know I would be terrible embarrassed if I had snuggled in bed every night with a wanted war criminal."

"Mind your own business Granger!" Ron scowled.

"I suppose I don't understand social niceties like 'mind your own business'." Hermione leaned forward toward Ron and smirked evilly. "After all, I don't have any friends." She then turned on her heel and walked off. If she had a microphone in her hand, she would have dropped it.

The second year girls erupted into laughter. Ron was left bright red and stuttering indignantly in the hallway.

I resisted the urge to slow golf clap.

* * *

Hogwarts didn't go on lockdown because of Pettigrew. In fact, there were not any noticeable increases in security at all despite the rumors getting ridiculous. People kept casting Humano Revelio on their pets or other people's pets 'just in case'. My favorite rumor was the one about Ms. Norris being a secret Russian spy who was in love with Filch.

The best part about the rumors though, was that they pushed the question of the Hufflepuff house point increase to the background. It was barely a blip on the radar with secret animagi running around everywhere.

At the end of the week, Pettigrew was still at large. It looked like he had firmly gotten away. Fortunately, it was enough to solidly clear Sirius's name. According to the paper, Sirius was recovering with friends and refusing all interviews. I hope Lupin was with him.

So once the weekend had come around, Eloise and I decided to go ahead with our original plan to sneak a look at the cerberus.

I looked left and then right. There was no one in the hallway near the third floor corridor stairs. There wasn't a lot of reason to go this way especially eight in the morning on a weekend.

"Homenum Revelio," I whispered. I looked all around us. The only glowing white outline I could see was Eloise. I gave Eloise the thumbs up. She nodded back and we started to ascend the stairs.

A flash of white at the corner of my eye caught my attention and I turned abruptly and jogged back down the stairs. Eloise scrambled to follow me.

We both stopped at the landing and tried to look casual.

"What an amazing painting!" I declared, leaning casually on a pillar.

"Why thank you!" The painting replied looking pleased. It was of a rather portly old man with a long white beard who was holding a broken broom. He had sticks in his hair. The plaque underneath him declared he was 'Seamus the Bouncy'.

"You two are obviously up to something."

I turned around. Hermione was behind us with her hands on her hips. She really is turning into Batman. I didn't hear her coming at all.

"Hermione! How are you? Long time no see." I tried to smile innocently.

"I saw you just three days ago in Charms class." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"But we've grown so much as people since then." I replied.

Eloise laughed.

Hermione waved her hand in the air dismissively. "Isn't the Pettigrew situation simply insane?" Hermione seemed weirdly delighted.

We'd all heard this information and had already talked about it in class, but I let Hermione go off. Having dirt on Ron really seemed to cheer her up. It's hard to believe in another universe the two got married. I suppose they could still grow up and get married, but it seems unlikely.

Eloise visibly shuddered. "And he was sleeping in the same room as Harry despite helping murder his parents. It's horrible."

"Next time Ronald gets swotty with me, I can just remind him that he spent years cleaning up the waste of a wanted war criminal!" Hermione seemed a bit too smug about the whole thing. She seemed to notice this herself and frowned. "Terrible for Harry of course."

"How is Harry taking it?" I asked. I'd been dying to know, but I hadn't found any non-awkward way to ask.

Hermione shrugged. "I don't know. I wouldn't take it well if I was him."

He seemed pretty happy last time I saw him. Maybe he met Sirius?

Hermione narrowed her eyes at us and seemed to take in fully where we were loitering. "You're going to sneak a peak at the... unusual dog aren't you?"

I smirked. "I thought you didn't care what we were up to?"

Eloise glared at Hermione. "Don't you dare tattle."

I grinned evilly. I have an idea. "Oh, she's not going to tattle." I walked up to Hermione and grabbed her right arm. "Because you're going on this adventure with us!"

"What?" Hermione and Eloise asked in unison.

"Friends go on adventures together. Come join our covenant of well planned rule breaking." I made eye contact with Eloise who grinned and grabbed Hermione's other arm. Together, we started to half drag her up the stairs.

Hermione halfheartedly tried to struggle out of our grasps. "Hey!"

"Join ussssss," I hissed in a soft sinister whisper.

"Join ussss." Eloise echoed me. She's was really getting into the spirit of this whole endeavor. I'm so proud.

"Hey let me go. I'm not going to—"

"Oh but you already have," I interjected. We stopped at the top of the stairs. I let go of Hermione's arm and Eloise followed suit.

"We're at the top. You've already broken the third corridor rule."

"Oh." Hermione looked around nervously. "Seriously, it was vicious before..."

"Not to worry. I brought x-ray glasses. We won't even have to open the door."

Hermione still looked uncertain. "But what if we get caught?"

"I've already cast Homenum Revelio." It's starting to give me a bit of a headache but I should be able to keep it up for long enough.

"Oh! Well that's... moderately clever."

"I'm moderately flattered by your backhanded compliment."

Eloise put a finger to her lips and we shushed.

We crept slowly down the corridor. I made sure to keep looking around in all direction (including behind me). So far so good. There wasn't anyone here. I pulled the two x-ray specs from my jacket pocket and handed them to Hermione and Eloise.

I better look last since I'm not sure if the Humano Revelio spell will still work while I look through the lenses. Or something weird might happen if I combine the spells.

"Oh! There it is." Eloise stopped in front of a closed door "It's adorable!"

Hermione tilted her head and squinted. "I... suppose it isn't quite as scary when it's asleep." She then took off the x-ray specs and handed them to me.

Huh. Maybe it was a puppy. Its heads looked young. It looked like someone had scaled up a gray rat terrier and then photoshopped two additional heads on it. It had three red collars and was attached to the floor with a long chain. There was a giant water bowl in the corner. Currently, it was curled up into a ball sleeping. Like this, it actually was cute.

Considering the size of the dog vs the room, it seemed rather cruel to keep it in there. It doesn't have much room to move around at all or even a window to look out of.

Well damn. I wasn't expecting this to make me a little sad. Animals shouldn't be tied down all the time like that. Not that it could be roaming the halls or anything...

Eloise was frowning. She was probably thinking along similar lines. Thankfully, she didn't make any moves to open the door. I felt sorry for it, but I still thought it would bite our heads off if given the chance.

"There was a trap door. Is it guarding something?" Hermione asked.

"Huh, you're right," Eloise replied. She walked back and forth a few times trying to see into the room from different angles.

Time to nip this conversation in the bud. "Well that was fun. Time to sneak out of here before we get caught." I motioned for us to leave, but neither girl moved.

"If it's something valuable why keep it here in a school? Why not in Gringotts?" Eloise asked.

"Gringotts was broken into a few weeks ago. Do you think the two situations are connected?" Hermione looked thoughtful.

I tried not to wince. "Come on, we don't want to get caught."

A light flickered down the hallway. I blinked and it started to solidify into the shape of a person. Sweet Wizard Jesus, I've got an out!

"Someone's coming!" I whispered.

The girls looked startled and fell silent. I motioned for them to follow me and we started to quickly trot down the hall. In front of us, another white outline appeared in the distance.

That's too many outs Wizard Jesus! Not cool!

I stopped abruptly and then grabbed Hermione and Eloise's shirt collars. They looked at me and I shook my head vigorously. I pointed across the hall and then headed to the nearest closed door. Both girls seemed to understand and followed. We were going to have to hide until they passed us by.

I rushed into the spare classroom. When everyone was inside I shut the door. I then took another step forward and... met empty air.

I flailed wildly on one foot to get my balance. Then Eloise barreled into me and then tried to grab onto Hermione for balance. Hermione gave a little 'eep' and fell forward, knocking all three of us into the open air.

We're not the most graceful bunch.

I slammed hard into a slick metal surface, then went speeding down... and down... I tried to stop myself, but the surface of the metal was impossibly slick. I couldn't gain any purchase. We were in some sort of tube, going faster and faster... Suddenly, the tube ended abruptly and I had a few heart stopping moments of free fall. My entire body tensed, preparing for a bad fall...

I landed on something... soft? I opened my eyes.

I was in a giant metal tub full of clothing. Stinky clothing.

Eloise landed next to me with a soft thud.

I heard a screech directly above me and rolled out of the way just in time before Hermione fell on top of me. I tried to stand up, and my foot sunk a few feet down. A memory of gold rushing in and surrounding me on all sides flooded into my mind... No, it's fine. You're fine. Take a deep breath.

I slowly stood up and didn't sink in any further.

"Where are we?" Eloise picked herself up and looked around.

I looked up. The rim of the giant metal container was twenty feet above me.

"The Hogwarts laundry room?" I guessed. I always thought the elves just used magic to clean the clothes though. "Does anyone know any kind of spider climb spell or sticky feet spell?"

Those were probably real spells.

Hermione and Eloise shook their heads.

"What about Wingardium Leviosa?" Eloise asked.

"No. That only works on inanimate objects. It would only target your clothes," I replied frowning. "Maybe we could try tying some of the clothes together to make a rope, then transfiguring something into a grappling hook?"

I had never climbed a rope in my life, but it couldn't be that hard right?

Hermione's reply was buried by a mountain of underwear getting dropped on our heads. Hermione and Eloise screamed as dirty underwear continued to rain down upon us. And I... had a small anxiety attack.

I apparently have a phobia of being buried alive now. Joy.

"Stop!" Hermione yelled as we were rapidly buried up to our waists.

"Help!" Eloise screamed.

"Eeeeeep!" I said helpfully.

Ugh, so stinky! This is horrible! We have to get out of here! I don't want to be buried alive! Ew! Ew! EWW! We have to stop the laundry from burying us! Or stop it from getting into the metal tub at all... Wait! Wait! I know a spell for this!

"REPENTE MAXIMUS!" I screamed right before a graying pair of men's briefs covered my head.

The clothes began to spectacularly bounce out of the metal tub as soon as they poured in. Some of the clothes didn't quite make it to the top, and just bounced off each other, but most made it out.

Bless you Mayoral Stood my great paranoid savior! You really can never be too paranoid!

"What? What's this racket eh?" I heard a voice yell out from outside of the tub.

"Help! Please, let us out!" Eloise yelled above the din of bouncing laundry.

"Eh? Is something in there?" Another voice, asked that was high pitched but weirdly rough.

"We're in here!" Hermione called out.

"Students? It better not be them naughty Weasel twins again. I told you we'd douse you with fabric softener if you ended up here again!" another high pitched and rough voice asked.

House elves?

The clothes stopped pouring into the tub. Someone knocked on the side of the metal tub, and a hatch opened on the side.

The most grizzled house elf I have ever seen popped his head in. He had an eyepatch and a long scar running down the side of his cheek. He looked very unimpressed to see us standing there. "Well? You just gonna stand there?"

We clambered over to the hatch and crawled out.

The laundry room looked like a post-apocalypse Mad-Max-esque wasteland. There was a sculpture that looked like it had been constructed from random wire. Pipes jaunting from the ceilings spewed hot steam. A dozen laundry elves sat about the room looking rough as hell. Many of them had scars running along their faces. One had a glowing red eye. Others sported eye patches. One was sharpening a piece of metal and smoking a thick cigar that puffed out green smoke. One had tattoo on his forehead that read "WOOL BALLS 4 LIFE". They were all dressed in tattered leathers and spikes.

And the whole place confusingly smelled like lavender.

"Uh, hi?" I ventured.

"Not the Weasel twins then." One of the elves stopped sewing a button back on a shirt and squinted at me. "Students aren't allowed down here."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Eloise trying to help Hermione detangle a bra from Hermione's curly hair.

"Why does a random room open up to a laundry shoot? It's not anywhere near any of the dorms." I asked. Don't elves just apparate everywhere anyways? Elves can still apparate around Hogwarts I think.

"That's the sometimes laundry shoot room," an elf with an eye patch replied. "It moves." He shrugged and started waving his hands at the clothes strewn about the room. One by one, the pieces of clothing started magically flying back into the metal tub. The clothes had stopped bouncing out of the metal tub.

"The what?" I asked incredulously.

The eye-patch elf looked at me like he thought I was a particularly slow child. "A room that sometimes is a laundry shoot. And sometimes it is not."

Of course. Sure. That explains everything.

"Why don't you just clean everything with magic?" I asked.

The elf with the cigar looked greatly offended. "What?"

"The child doesn't know..." hissed the twitchy elf.

Another elf was now chewing... something in the corner of his cheek. "Cleaning spells work individually. That might work for some soft house kept elf." He spit into a metal jar near his feet. "But we're LAUNDRY ELVES."

"Forged in the fiery wash bin at the heart of Hogwarts." An elf with a beanie that looked like a mohawk flexed his bicep. He was pretty ripped for an elf.

"We've seen things... dark things." Twitchy elf looked off into the distance with a haunted expression. "Stains you can't imagine."

Mohawk elf smiled. His teeth were pointed. "We've scrubbed the dark corners of the world."

"Matched up a pair of pants with no name!" Twitchy elf added.

"Took us three years but we finally did it." Cigar elf took a long drag of his cigar. "BY SMELL."

"Not every elf can handle the laundry. Lesser elves have went mad." Snuff elf spit into his metal cup again.

"Sometimes you don't wash the laundry." Green smoke swirled around cigar elf like a snake. "Sometimes the laundry... washes you."

Oh... kay... That's uh...

I looked at Hermione and Eloise, but they didn't have anything to say to that either.

I tried to nonchalantly inch towards the door.

"Where are you going?" asked the cigar elf.

I winced. "Out of here? Sorry to bother you... You all appear far too busy to bother with us."

Eye patched elf frowned. "Students aren't allowed down here. We're going to have to get a teacher."

"Is that really necessary?" Eloise asked. They had successfully extradited the bra from Hermione's hair. Hermione was looking like a deer in the headlights at the prospect of getting in trouble with a teacher.

I need to change the subject!

Cigar elf stood up. "Just stay right there and I'll go—"

"Wait! Uh... Um... We came down here for a reason!" I blurted out.

Eloise and Hermione looked at me surprised.

"Uh..." Come on, bullshitting ability don't let me down! "Last week, I spilled some murlap essence on the front of my robes. Nothing I did could get it out! We looked in uh, tons of books in the library and no spells we knew could do anything to it. We just had to meet you and ask how you do it."

I tried my best to look wide-eyed and innocent.

"Witches couldn't figure it out?" Eyepatch elf stood a little taller.

Eloise nodded and sighed dramatically. "We were at our wit's ends."

I pulled off the dirty pair of men's underwear from my head and froze. There was a name stitched on the tag: Severus Snape.

Someone kill me now. I don't want to live anymore.

"Oh y-yes." Hermione paused. "You uh, deserve a raise."

Every house elf in the room had an identical look at disgust at the idea of a salary. One in the back gasped in horror.

"Hermione, house elves don't get paid," I whispered. This is going to bring about SPEW a few years earlier isn't it?

Hermione looked startled. "Surely they don't work for free?"

Snuff elf spit violently into his cup. "Of course we don't get paid!"

"How insulting!" a high pitched girly elf squeaked.

"Then you get paid some other way?" Hermione asked.

Eyepatch elf narrowed his eyes. "We don't get paid like some namby pampy kitchen elf."

Twitchy elf turned toward Eyepatch elf. "They don't get paid neither."

Eyepatch elf threw his arms in the air. "It's the principle of the thing! If an elf was gonna be paid it'd be a kitchen elf. They have airs about um!"

Mowahk elf nodded. "Fancy airs."

Hermione gaped. "You work all day for NOTHING?"

Yep. We'll be seeing SPEW very shortly. Maybe I can help her think of a better acronym.

"House elves are happy to help! Bah, not anyone could do our job." Snuff elf started stuffing his mouth again with whatever was in his tin. I thought I saw something in the tin squirming.

"No soft kitchen hands for sure." Cigar exclaimed.

"It's obvious you're cut from a tougher cloth than the other elves. They're just stitched. You guys are... backstitched." I tried to inject a bit of fake awe into my voice.

I could tell my sewing metaphors were greatly appreciated by the crowd.

"Yes, while those other elves were making pasta, you were dealing with mountains of dirty robes! And um, dealing with dangerous cleaning potions!" Eloise exclaimed dramatically and looked expectedly at Hermione.

"And your whites are whiter than white?" Hermione added hesitantly.

Twitchy elf scratched his head. "And we've slayed many giant rats!"

What? No, its best to leave that one alone. "Uh yes, that too."

"Well I guess you lot aren't that bad." Cigar elf sat back down.

Eyepatch elf shrugged. "Everyone makes mistakes."

Note to self: Hogwarts elves are VERY susceptible to flattery.

"You have to use crushed jibber wings mixed with honeysuckle juice to get murlap essence out." Cigar elf wagged his finger at us. "But don't go spreading that around!"

"Oh thank you!" I replied and inched my way toward the door.

"Wow, I never would have thought of that!" Eloise exclaimed.

"It's... slavery..." Hermione muttered darkly.

I yanked Hermione along before she made the elves mad again.

"Thank you again!" I waved goodbye. "We'll think of you every time we smell a fresh pair of pants."

For some reason, Eloise and Hermione looked at me like I was super weird.

Cigar Elf waved his hand dismissively. "Yes yes. Be sure to ask permission next time. Very dangerous here ya know..." The elf said gruffly, but still looked rather puffed up.

I tried not to run out of the room.

* * *

SPEW didn't magically materialize the next week like I half expected it to. Hermione didn't bring up the matter the next time I saw her in class either. I suspect she's just buying her time trying to read up about elves as much as she could. I had tried looking up information on the history of elves myself a few days after the laundry incident, but had come up with nothing. Wizards seemed to take for granted that elves had always served wizards.

Maybe Hermione will have better luck? I hadn't looked for very long. I'll help Hermione if she starts SPEW, but I have more immediate concerns at the moment.

Madam Hooch stood before me with her hands on her hips, waiting for my reply after the bomb shell she just dropped on me.

"Remedial Flying lessons?" I asked with dismay.

It was a cold windy Friday afternoon, and I was glad that Madam Hooch had waited until after class was over and everyone had already left. Remedial lessons. Ugh. I was a good student, this class was just crazy!

"Indeed. For twenty years, I have yet to let a student pass me by without at least the ability to passably fly. I'll be damned if I let two of you by in the same year. You and Longbottom will both be here at 8am on the dot and we will work all day if we have to. By the end of the day, I will be satisfied that if I let either of you on a broom I won't be sending you to your inevitable demise."

Madam Hooch's yellow eyes were steely and full of determination.

"Surely I'm not as bad as Neville..." I trailed off, feeling a little guilty for insulting the boy.

Madam Hooch's black little heart held no sympathy for me. "You haven't broken a bone YET. So congratulations. You are the second worse flier to ever grace my class."

"But can't I just..." I'm sure this was pushing my luck, but I had to ask. "Can't I just apparate everywhere when I'm older?"

Madam Hooch sighed, and rubbed her temples. "Apparition is limited in distance."

"I'll drive a Muggle automobile then. My parents are Muggles so they can teach me. Flying around on a broom can't be good for the statute of secrecy anyways."

Madam Hooch's expression softened. "I know you're afraid Thompson. You will work through this and you will pass this class."

"I'm not afraid," I replied through gritted teeth. It's perfectly normal to be afraid of gravity when you're thirty feet in the air you crazy old bitty!

"Of course you're not." Madam Hooch's tone was mocking.

"Fine. I will pass your class then I will never fly again unless it's on a Muggle plane."

Or I spontaneously sprout wings.

"I don't care what you do as long as you know how." Madam Hooch handed me a pass. "If anyone questions why you are lurking about the class area during the weekend show them that. 8 a.m. Don't be late." Madam Hooch turned on her heel abruptly and strode away.

I looked at the school broom in my hand with disgust.

I HATE flying.


	13. Remedial Flying Lessons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I love comments. What subject do you think you'd be terrible at if you went to Hogwarts?

"Has anyone seen my pants?" I could have sworn I left my jeans on my nightstand. Did the laundry elves snap them up? They weren't even dirty yet.

Susan looked over at me from her bed and wrinkled her nose at me. "Gross."

"You just left them lying around?" Hannah asked and looked at me with disgust.

Oh, come on, Hannah's fourth of the room was always a pig sty!

"You leave yours lying around all the time!" I exclaimed.

"I do not!"

I looked under my pillows and covers. "Come on, I left my jeans on my nightstand earlier I swear."

Susan rolled her eyes. "Are you looking for your jeans or your pants?"

I looked at the ceiling. Nope, they weren't magically stuck up there. "Jeans pants. Same thing."

Hannah sat her magazine on her bed and sat up fully. "You have pants made of jeans material? You are so weird."

Susan was looking at me like I'd grown an extra head. "Isn't it uncomfortable?"

Okay, this is ridiculous. "I've seen both of you in jeans before!"

Susan still was looking at me like I was a space alien. "Not JEANS pants."

I looked under the bed. "There they are!"

I pulled my jeans out and shook the dust off of them.

"Those aren't pants!" Hannah exclaimed indignantly.

I think someone has befundled my roommates. "Yes, they are."

Hannah reached into Susan's nightstand drawer and pulled a pair of Susan's panties out. She then waved Susan's underwear like a flag. "These are pants."

Susan looked like she was debating tackling Hannah to the ground.

"No. Those are panties. Or underwear," I explained slowly. This conversation was making me dumber. They'd definitely been hit by a weird spell.

Susan jumped up and made a grab for her panties, but Hannah dodged her.

"Hannah, put those back!" Susan growled out. Wow, she looks really pissed.

Susan made another grab for them and Hannah dodged again. Hannah was grimacing at her friend's underwear like it was an extra gross potion's ingredient.

"These look like my granny's!" Hannah waved the underwear in the air again and laughed.

Susan grabbed her wand from her nightstand and waved it at Hannah. "Petrificus Totalus!"

The spell hit Hannah square in the chest. Hannah stiffened up and fell down like a log face-first onto Susan's bed.

"Hmmfff!" Hannah mumbled angrily.

Susan calmly picked up her underwear, folded it, and neatly put it back in her nightstand drawer. She then turned towards me. "You are holding trousers."

Must. Not. Pull. Hair. Out.

"Trousers and pants are the same thing!"

Susan sat down next to Hannah's rigid, angrily mumbling body. "No they are not."

"Ufffbfffth!" Hannah mumbled around Susan's blanket.

"Is this some weird muggle thing?" Susan asked still looking at me like I was insane.

"It's a weird yank thing," Eloise replied coming out of the bathroom and toweling her hair dry. "I know the difference between pants and trousers."

Susan shrugged. "Well as long as we're sure what kind of weird Kasey is today." Susan paused and looked down at Hannah. The immobile girl was still making furious muffled sounds. "Fine, Hannah. I'll cancel the spell. Don't be a ninny."

Susan waved her wand again and canceled the spell on Hannah.

"Thanks guys. I'm feeling the love," I stated, deadpanned.

I cast a quick scourgify spell to clean up my jeans a little more.

Hannah sat up, straightened her hair, and glared daggers at Susan. "Don't worry, Kasey. We'll teach you how to speak correctly eventually."

"I can't wait." I took off my pajama pants and put on my comfy jeans.

"I can't believe you wore your pajamas to breakfast. Eventually you're going to lose us points for that..." Susan trailed off.

"Eh." I shrugged and rolled up the bottoms of my jeans. They were still a little long. "I'm sure I'm still ahead. Besides, who cares about house points?"

Susan sighed. "Everyone but you?"

* * *

I trudged down to the Flying Pitch wearing my comfy jeans PANTS (not underwear!). It was bitterly cold and the wind went right through my thick winter cloak. My face quickly became numb. When I got to the clearing, Neville was already waiting there looking miserable and dejected.

I hope it doesn't start to snow. I am so looking up some warming charms after this.

"Hey." I called out. Neville and I hadn't talked much since the Hogwarts Express. It's funny how being in different houses limits the opportunities to talk. We were still on friendly terms though.

"Hello, Kasey," Neville replied sounding just as miserable as he looked.

We stood around awkwardly waiting for Madam Hooch to arrive. I looked up into the gray overcast sky. Soft delicate snow had began to fall down upon us. The silence stretched out from seconds into minutes and started to become a bit unbearable. I had to say SOMETHING.

"So uh, how are classes going for you?" I winced. "Other than this one... I know how we're doing in this one."

"Terrible. I'm rubbish at all my classes." Neville looked like a kicked puppy.

"Now you're just being melodramatic. You can't be terrible at all your classes." I nudged him with my elbow. "You seem to enjoy Herbology."

"I like plants. They're predictable. Plants don't yell at you when your cauldron explodes."

"Don't let potions class get you down." I looked around, but Madam Hooch was no where to be seen yet. "Snape is a terrible teacher and an asshole. I'm sure you'd do just fine with a decent teacher who wasn't constantly heaping negativity on you. I feel like I'd be learning a lot more if we had a good teacher."

That reminds me. I've gotten a bit carried away with learning Defense Against the Dark Arts and Charms in my spare time. I've neglected my plan to learn potions on my own. There was just so much to learn. I have to set up a regular time every week to work on potions. Maybe I could start a study group?

"Thanks. I'm not so sure I would do any better with another professor. I'm having a hard time of it with my other classes too."

"You've been given a handicap starting out. It's no wonder you're having a hard time."

Ron getting a hand-me-down wand I understand, but Neville's grandmother could have afforded getting him a new one.

"What do you mean?" Neville looked confused and a little insulted.

"I was talking about your wand. It was an heirloom right? It didn't choose you. You can only get the best results with a wand that has chosen you."

"How did you know that I was using my father's wand?"

Uh oh. Lying time. "I was talking about wand lore with Hermione." Note to self, talk about wand lore with Hermione at some point to cover my tracks. "She said you and Ron had hand-me-down wands."

"Oh." Neville seemed to accept my excuse. "I never thought of it that way."

"You should ask for your own wand for Christmas. I think it would make a big difference."

Neville looked off in the distance. "I do like having my dad's wand. It's like I have a bit of him with me." He sighed. "I wish I could be more like him. Gran said he received excellent marks in school."

"But you're not your dad." Neville's face fell and I added quickly, "I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I don't know anything about your dad." LIAR. "But it's okay if you're not your dad. Neville's a pretty cool person. It's okay to be Neville."

I looked away embarrassed. I didn't know this kid enough to be sappy, but he was so much like a kicked puppy you couldn't help but encourage him.

Neville smiled softly. "I'll think about it."

"Good." I saw Madam Hooch approaching in the distance. Thank goodness. Save me from the awkwardness. "Oh hey, it's Madam Hooch. Time to throw ourselves into the fridgid air. In November. While it's snowing."

"Are you sure it's okay be Neville right now?" Neville asked miserably and walked off to the storage shed to retrieve a broom.

I chuckled darkly and followed him.

Madam Hooch set us to do drills rising up and down... up and down... My eyes stung from the wind and my fingers went from aching to numb. It didn't take long before I was having a very difficult time even keeping my grip on my broom handle. After I nearly fell off because my frozen sausage fingers couldn't grip, she asked us to come down and then cast warming charms on both of us. I was hit with a glorious warmth that spread all the way to my toes... only for it to wear off in about five minutes. My fingers started stinging immediately again.

Next, she had some glowing golden hoops made of magic that we were instructed to fly into without touching the sides. Neville and I bumbled through them like drunken bulls in a crystal ball shop. Once, I found myself sliding through one sideways.

Hmm, this is the perfect opportunity to get a little intel for next week's Slytherin/Gryffindor Quidditch match without being suspicious.

I aimed my broom at one of the golden hoops and approached it very slowly. Hooch said we had to get through them, not how fast we had to go.

"Thompson, I can literally walk faster than you're flying right now." Madam Hooch took another sip of her tea. She was sitting on a bench and had a blanket over her lap. The area around her was snow free. She looked very cozy.

I ignored the jibe. "What happens if someone falls off their broom during Quidditch? Are there any spells that stop people from falling or hitting the ground?"

"Good fliers don't fall off their brooms. Pay attention."

The top of my ponytail clipped the golden hoop. I slowly turned my broom around to try again.

"I'm sure it's happened at some point. No matter how good of a flier you are you can get sick. Or someone in the stands can hex you," I said.

"I assure you, if someone was hexing a student during a Quidditch match they would be expelled." She sighed so loudly I heard her up on my broom. "There are spells that slow someone's fall or stop them completely. The Quidditch pitch isn't spelled to do so automatically. How would anyone do a Wonski Feint?"

"So the referee is ready to catch someone if they fall?"

"You're seriously not considering trying out for Quidditch are you?" Madam Hooch looked at me incredulously. "I will personally ensure you are not allowed to step foot on the Quidditch pitch to keep you from taking anyone else down with you."

"No!"

Voldemort would give up his life of evil and rededicate his life to knitting tea cosies before I tried out for Quidditch.

Hooch took another sip of her tea. "If a student began to fall, a professor could catch them quite easily."

"What spell would you use?"

"Immobulus!" Madam Hooch pointed her wand at Neville's fleeing broom. The broom froze in midair. Nearby, Neville was stuck in a tree, holding on to a branch for dear life. Madam Hooch took one long look at Neville and shook her head sadly. "You would use Immobulus."

Madam Hooch sighed again, sat her tea cup down, and walked over to help Neville down.

I frowned. Then what was Quirrel doing during the match in the books when he hexed Harry's broom? Just being a petty harassing asshole? Or maybe it was just to test Snape?

"Back to work Thompson!" Madam Hooch bellowed and blew the whistle around her neck. Neville was on his broom again and shakily approaching one of the hoops.

My shoulders slumped and I went back to attempting to fly through hoops.

Madam Hooch is a death eater in disguise. I'm sure of it.

By the time I made it back to the dorms, I was a human popsicle. The cold and damp went right through to my bones. My thigh and butt muscles ached. All I want to do right now is change clothes and crawl into bed.

I dragged myself into the dorm room like a half rotted inferi.

"What happened to you?" Hannah looked at me in alarm. Half her hair was in curlers.

"Remedial flying lesson. Cold. Me sleep now." I sluggishly started to change clothes.

"Don't go to sleep with wet hair. You'll get sick." Hannah frowned at me.

I managed to wrestle my pajamas on. "It's fine."

Hannah jumped up from her bed and walked over to me. "Stay still. I'll dry your hair. Comae Sicco!" Hannah waved her wand. Orange light engulfed my hair. Instantly, it was completely dry.

"Thanks. Good friend." I patted her head.

Hannah turned me around and pushed me toward my bed. "Go to sleep. I'll wake you for supper."

"Not boss of me," I mumbled, but gave no resistance as she pushed me to my bed. I glanced over at Susan's bed, and noticed the date on her desk calendar. Huh.

"It's my birthday today. Huh. Forgot." I closed my eyes.

"What?"

"My birthday today. Forgot." I mumbled into my pillow. Bed comfy.

"What? You should have told us!"

"Hmm mmm." So tired. Bed warm.

"Who forgets their—"

And I was out.

* * *

I was still groggy when Hannah woke me up for dinner. I attempted to roll over and go back to sleep, but my roommates gained up on me and bundled me up to the Great Hall.

"Why didn't you tell us it was your birthday?" Hannah frowned at me.

I sleepily shoved mashed potatoes in my face. "Eh? I forgot."

"You should have told us." Eloise frowned at me over her pumpkin juice.

"What's the big deal? It's just a birthday. It's not even one of the important ones." I grimaced as I took a drink of my lukewarm water. No one seems to use ice cubes here for some reason.

"It is a big deal." Hannah put another heaping spoonful of peas on her plate. "You're only twelve once!"

I laughed and started to choke on my mashed potatoes a little bit.

Susan patted my back as I coughed. I took a large swig of water to help me recover.

"Don't forget to chew," Susan stated deadpanned.

"I would have gotten you something if I'd known," Eloise admitted with a hint of guilt.

"It's really no big deal guys. I don't know any of your birthdays either."

"February 20th." Hannah stated.

"May 8th!" Eloise replied.

"December 27th." Susan scowled. "It's right after Christmas which is rather rubbish. I don't think my parents planned it very well."

"So I only have to get you one present then?" I joked.

Susan looked like she'd swallowed sour milk. "Don't joke. Every year my mum buys me a Christmas cake instead of a birthday cake because she gets it on discount at the shops. Sometimes they still say Happy Christmas!"

"So it's agreed then. We send Susan jumpers that say Happy Christmas on them for her birthday." Hannah grinned.

Eloise and I laughed. Susan did not.

"I'm going to miss not being at home on my birthday." Eloise sighed wistfully. "My brothers come over and we have dinner together. Dad makes smoked mutton. It's nice to have everyone under the same roof again. Bobby and Timothy are the only ones still at home now."

"We always go to my wizarding grandparents for my birthday. I'm their only grandchild and they like to spoil me. My muggle grandparents live in France so we only see them at Christmas. They've got such a funny little house." Hannah turned toward me. "What does your family do for your birthday?"

I blinked and felt my mind go blank for a second. What does my fake family do? It's starting to get hard to keep track of them. "Uh they get me a present or two of course. Sometimes we have cake. It's not a big deal. They work a lot."

There, that seemed very neutral. For some reason, the other girls were frowning though. The look on Susan's face was bordering on suspicion. What in the world have I done to earn suspicion? My fake parents were as boring as parents can get.

"You're not very close with your family?" Hannah asked with what sounded like forced casualness.

"I suppose not," I replied trying also to sound casual. Where are they going with this?

"Oh. I understand. I'm not that close with my mum." Hannah piled some more peas onto her plate. She had a giant pile now and hadn't eaten any of them. "That's just the way things are then. Cheerio and all that." Hannah started shoving peas into her face and looked pleadingly at Susan and Eloise.

I'm definitely out of the loop here.

"Are we having our next meeting of the Charmed4U fan club tonight?" Eloise asked in a very obvious attempt to change the subject.

Susan nodded. "Hannah got this month's fan club kit. They sent us t-shirts!"

The girls squealed. I didn't have to be a seer to tell we would be wearing some god awful matching t-shirts soon.

My roommates were definitely up to something, but I was too damn tired right now to care.

* * *

"I think she's asleep." I heard Susan whisper, waking me up. I'd always been a light sleeper. I had saved myself from many a slumber party prank back in the day.

Were they going to talk about me behind my back?

I was surprised by the little pang in my chest at the idea. I know talking about each other behind each others backs is just something that's inevitable with a bunch of unsupervised girls in a dorm. That shit is the same no matter where you are. I remember what eleven year old girls were like when I really was eleven. It was stupid of me to think... Well no matter. I'm an adult and it is stupid to have hurt feelings about it. So I wasn't bothered. At all.

"Yes, I think she is. See, I told you so. They forgot," Hannah whispered.

"She didn't get anything from her family did she?" I heard Susan whisper.

Huh?

"I've never seen her get a care package from home or even a letter," Eloise whispered loudly.

I didn't think they'd notice something like that. Well shit. I guess I have to write fake letters to myself now. What a pain in the ass. I'm going to have to start sending myself fake presents for Christmas and birthdays too.

"Me neither. She doesn't talk much about home," Susan replied softly.

Well, I wasn't expecting this. I thought I was being pretty subtle about my fake detached parents. Apparently, I made them too fake and too detached and now my roommates think they're terrible people and I'm some poor neglected child.

"Maybe the package has just been delayed? My father has to send packages to a muggle address first before they can be owled to me." Eloise suggested.

Okay, tomorrow I'm sending myself a present.

"What kind of parents don't send their only daughter a letter for three months? What wankers," Susan muttered angrily.

"We will just have to get her something then," Hannah said with conviction.

This is... wow. I don't know what to think...

"I'm in," Eloise whispered.

God I'm such a fraud.

"I'm in too." Susan replied.

I stayed perfectly still and was glad for the curtains surrounding my bed.

* * *

Hannah was about as subtle as a rampaging Hippogryph.

She was very obviously trying to secretly signal Kevin to come over. I suspect she thought she was covertly winking at him, but it was more like an involuntary facial tick.

Kevin walked over to the common room sofa where my dormmates and I had been lounging. He looked annoyed but resigned.

"Kasey would you like to play gobstones with us?" Kevin asked woodenly.

Before I could reply, Hannah stretched and let out a big obvious yawn. "Oh! I'm just so tired! I think I will go back to the dorm room and take a nap." She gathered her stuff and hurriedly walked away.

"Me too," Eloise added and followed her.

"I suppose I also have something pressing to attend to," Susan muttered not even trying to sound convincing. She picked up her stuff and followed the others back to the dorm.

Kevin looked pleadingly at me. "I know you don't really want to play gobstones. Please, come over and pretend so Hannah will leave me alone?"

"I've never tried gobstones before. I'll give it a shot." I smiled and followed Kevin to the other side of the room where Wayne, Ernie Macmillon, and Roger were sitting.

The girls were obviously making me something. I could play along.

Gobstones, it turned out, was like marbles if the marbles occasionally spit burning acid into your eyes.

"This is fun... why?" I asked, wiping stinging liquid from my eyes. I'd taken off my glasses for fear they'd burn through the lenses and I'd be totally screwed in getting a new pair.

"It's a very traditional wizarding game," Ernie pronounced pompously.

"Also, because they spit at you!" Wayne replied like the answer was obvious. He took another shot and knocked one of Roger's marbles out of the chalk circle.

"Crivens!" Roger exclaimed.

Kevin scowled. "Is that a trick gob? You better not be cheating again."

"Take that back tosser!" Wayne puffed up his chest, ready for a fight.

"You better calmy doony, son," Roger said evenly in his fake Scottish moon language.

"You're right Roger. Sorry mate. It's not a trick gob. I'm simply amazing." Wayne took another shot and knocked more marbles out of the circle.

Hannah walked back over to our group and cleared her throat. "Kasey? Are you done? There's something I need help with in the dorms."

Wayne took another shot. "Go ahead. She's garbage at this anyway. It's impossible for her to catch up."

I stood up slowly then looked at Hannah for a moment. I then shrugged, turned toward Wayne, made eye contact with him, and then slowly moved my foot through the chalk circle scattering the marbles.

"Okay, ready to go now!" I stated cheerfully and then bounded away. Behind me, I could hear Kevin, Ernie, and Roger laughing their asses off and Wayne calling me some less than flattering names.

I followed Hannah across the common room and into our dorm room. As soon as I hit the threshold, a very distinctive smell hit me causing me to cough.

Why does it smell like smoke in here?

"We weren't sure what to get you." Hannah was holding something behind her back.

This was really nice of them. I kind of wished they hadn't bothered, though. I always feel awkward getting presents.

"Then we thought? What does she like? And it was pretty obvious," Eloise stated.

"Food. She loves to eat food." Susan stated matter-of-factly.

Okay starting to feel a little less touched now.

Hannah pulled a plate from behind her back with a flourish and presented it to me. "Happy Birthday! We baked you biscuits!"

"With magic!" Eloise added proudly.

There were about two dozen chocolate chip cookies on the plate. The cookies were quite scorched around the edges.

"Wow, thank you!" I picked one up and ate it. I felt my eyes water. "Oh these are um... delicious wow."

Oh my god. What the hell did they do to these? Did they mix up the sugar and salt? It was like one of Eloise's potions in cookie form.

"Oh, don't cry! You're welcome!" Hannah gave me a hug.

Yes, I'm crying because I'm so touched. Oh god, I need some water. Must rinse out taste.

The other girls were beaming so I forced myself to smile.

* * *

Over the next few days, I secretly disposed of the cookies in the dead of night like a criminal. I made sure my room mates saw me eating some of the cookies, though. Because while they were terrible, they still tasted like true friendship. Terrible, burnt, strangely salty friendship.

I sat down on the wooden bleachers in the middle of the stadium next to Susan, Hannah, and Eloise.

The day of the Slytherin and Gryffindor Quidditch match was here and I had no concrete plan on what or if I would do something if Harry's broom was cursed.

Hermione was down by the Gryffindors helping Neville hold up his side of the large 'Potter for President!' banner. You'd think the banner would have something like 'Go Team!' Or 'Get the Snitch' or anything actually to do with Quidditch, but no. It was rather confusing honestly.

I think the whole school had turned out for this game. The constant chatter was like a dull roar and all the students were packed fairly tightly into the stands. There was also quite a few adults here. I didn't realize they were allowed to come to games. A cold wind blew the brightly colored banners all around the pitch, but this time I was prepared for the cold. I'd spent the last week learning warming charms.

"Have you seen the Slytherin brooms? Nimbus 2000's the whole team! If Malfoy's father didn't just buy his son's way onto that team, I'll eat my pigmy puff!" Susan glared at the Slytherin team warming up across the pitch.

"You don't have a pigmy puff," Eloise stated and ate a handful of my toffee popcorn without asking me.

The books had failed to mention that Quidditch games sell refreshments. Cauldron cakes, hot chocolate, toffee popcorn, Every Flavor Beans, and Butterbeer were for sale for a small price. Naturally, I bought some of all of them.

"I'll buy one and then eat it!" Susan reached over and took a handful of toffee popcorn from my bag also without asking.

"You're a monster," Eloise mumbled with a mouth full of sticky popcorn.

Hannah blew on the top of her hot chocolate. "How much longer is it going to be before they start? It's freezing out here."

I cast a warming charm on Hannah. I then borrowed Susan's binoculars and scanned the crowd.

Hmm, Madam Hooch, all the head of the houses, and Dumbledore were here. Quirrel is one row below Snape on the edge of the teacher's area. Was Dumbledore here in the original timeline? Dumbledore caught Harry in the third book when he fell from his broom. I don't see why he couldn't do so here.

I guess if push comes to shove, I could try starting a fire like Hermione...

I felt my stomach do a terrible violent lurch at the thought of exposing myself like that.

Ugh, quit it stomach. It is not nervous diarrhea time. I'm not risking the fall of the world just because I was on the toilet. Man, I'm so lame.

I swept the binoculars around the rest of the stadium. Malfoy really did look like a smug little shit on his Nimbus 2000. Huh, is that Rita Skeeter? What's she doing here? Well, I assume it's Rita Skeeter since she's carrying a notepad and has on a garish sparkly green skirt suit.

Susan yanked her binoculars back from me. "It's starting!"

The teams lined up in formation in mid air. Madam Hooch blew her whistle, threw the Quaffle high in the air, and the match began.

After about fifteen minutes, I was bored out of my mind.

The movies make Quidditch look really cool and exciting, but here in person everyone is so high in the sky it just looks like angry dragonfly's banging into each other. Susan had the right idea in bringing binoculars.

I relaxed and tried to focus on finishing the rest of my candy while also trying to find Harry in the sky. I think he's the little dragonfly near the goal hoop?

Hannah swiped some popcorn from me while I was distracted.

"Hey piggies, get your own!" I tried to move my precious popcorn out of their reach.

"You're the piggy getting one of everything." Hannah successfully grabbed another handful. "We're saving you from yourself."

"Hey that's not-" I broke off.

Harry's broom started to buck him wildly.

"SOMETHING WRONG WITH POTTER'S BROOM!" The announcer yelled in alarm.

Shit, what do I do?

I grabbed Susan's binoculars and focused on Snape. He was definitely muttering the counter curse. It's now or never. Either I wait or go all pyro. What do I do? Argh...

Wait. WAIT. What the hell?! Is that?

Sirius?!

"HARRY'S BROOM HAS STOPPED BUCKING HIM! BUT... WHAT'S THIS?! PROFESSOR SNAPE IN THE STANDS IS BEING ATTACKED BY A WILD BLACK DOG! WHERE DID IT COME FROM?! OH! THE BLACK DOG HAS GRABBED PROFESSOR SNAPE'S WAND AND RAN DOWN THE STANDS WITH IT! WILL PROFESSOR SNAPE CATCH IT? WHOA! PROFESSOR SNAPE JUST TOOK A TUMBLE DOWN THE STANDS, TANGLED UP IN HIS ROBE! OHHH THAT'S GOTTA HURT! THERE THE BLACK DOG GOES, RIGHT INTO THE FOREST! I THINK THE DOG HAS GOT AWAY FOLKS! WHAT A TWIST!"

The announcer's voice was muffled for a moment.

"OH ERR SORRY, PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL. UH, AND BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED QUIDDITCH GAME! KATIE BELL HAS THE QUAFFLE…" Lee Jordan droned on, getting his focus back to the game.

I sat back down (I hadn't even realized I had stood up).

Susan took back her binoculars again. Hannah and Eloise were laughing and holding their sides. I looked down toward the first year Gryffindors. Neville looked like Christmas had come early.

Well that was... amazing.

"Go Harry! Get the snitch!" I yelled getting into the spirit of the thing.

"Go Gryffindor!" Eloise yelled as she made a grab for my popcorn bag.

Harry did get the snitch thirty minutes later, although this time it was in his hand and not his mouth.


	14. Happy Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: There's a little less humor than usual in this chapter, but hopefully you still enjoy it.

The wizarding world had their own Christmas carols, apparently.

"Who set fire to the Christmas Tree?" Hagrid sang in his loud booming voice as he bounded into the Great Hall. He had three Christmas trees in each arm. "Was it youuu or was it meee?" Hagrid threw a tree in the air. It stopped halfway up, frozen in mid air. "Who set fire to the Christmas Treeee?" Hagrid threw another tree in the air. "Cause it wants to wrestle!"

What the hell kind of song is that?

Hagrid bellowed another refrain as he threw the rest of the trees into the air one by one. I watched in fascination as Hagrid bent down and picked up an armful of Christmas ornaments and just started chucking them at a tree. The bulbs stuck to the tree and didn't break.

"Who wrestled the Christmas treeee? What is youuuu or was it meeee?" Hagrid kept pelting the trees with silver and gold ornaments. "Who wrestled the Christmas treee?" Hagrid threw the last handful of ornaments. "Cause it—" Hagrid stopped as he noticed me looking at him.

"Don't stop on my account, Hagrid. Sorry, I didn't mean to stare. I've never heard that song before," I stated from my seat at the Great Hall table.

Oliver, Terry Boot, and I were sitting together during a free period. We were currently the only students in the hall.

"Your voice carries very well," Terry Boot said.

"The trees look fantastic!" Oliver piped up from beside Terry.

"Aw, thanks." Hagrid rubbed the back of his head, embarrassed. "I didn't realize I had an audience. You've really never have heard this song before? It's a classic!"

"Muggles have different Christmas carols." I shrugged.

"Ah. Well, I better get back to it." Hagrid picked up another box and started violently throwing other Christmas decorations at the wall and windows.

I turned back to Oliver. "So negatives are good then?"

"THAC0! To hit armor class zero. It's pretty simple really." Oliver smiled brightly and pointed to a chart in his second edition Dungeons and Dragons book.

Oliver had a dream. An impossible and ridiculous dream. He wanted to get other kids at Hogwarts to play Dungeons and Dragons with him with 2nd edition rules. I'm probably the only other kid in this entire school who knows what the hell he's talking about, and even I don't want to play 2nd edition Dungeons and Dragons.

"Why would I run out of spells? That's not how magic works." Terry Boot looked over Oliver's shoulder at his Dungeons and Dragons book like it was some indecipherable ancient Sumerian scroll.

"None of it is how magic works!" Oliver let out a long suffering sigh. I feel like this was an argument they'd already had before. "It's organized this way to make it a game. If magic worked in it how it really works, we would defeat everything in the book easily!"

"Of course, we should. We're wizards," Terry replied without a hint of irony.

Oliver looked at me pleadingly.

I have sympathy for you kid I really do but... "Dungeons and Dragons was fun before I knew I had magic, but why would I pretend to do fake magic when I can just do real magic?"

"You can play another class!" Oliver suggested, but I could see him visibly losing hope. "You could be a fighter?"

Honestly, I already feel like I've multi-classed in real life with one level of fighter.

"Sorry, Oliver. I'm not interested."

Oliver slumped, defeated. "It would have been fun."

"Hey, cheer up. There's still plenty of super fun stuff to do around here. Actually, I'm thinking of starting a study group. Would you want to join?"

"What kind of study group?" Oliver asked, intrigued.

"Well, less a study group and more a study club. We wouldn't go over things we learned in class. Everyone would take turns and teach the group a new spell, skill, or show everyone a fun way to practice something we already know. It wouldn't be open to everyone, just a handful of first years. A lot of spells need a partner to practice with, and I'm sure we all could use some extra potions practice." I turned toward Terry. I didn't know him very well, but it felt rude not to invite him too. "You're invited too Terry if you want to come."

"No thanks. I'm on the Quidditch reserve team. I'm too busy as it is," Terry replied.

"When would we start meeting? Who else are you inviting to join?" Oliver asked.

"I thought we could start meeting after we come back from Christmas break. I want to keep it fairly small for now. Um... I'd like to invite you, Hermione Granger, my roommates, Kevin Entwhistle, and Neville Longbottom."

I'd like to invite Harry and Ron too, but I know right now Hermione would throw a fit if Ron was there. I don't think Harry would show up without Ron either. There has to be someway to get those three to work together.

"Neville Longbottom?" Oliver asked incredulously.

"I know he's not been the best in class so far, but he seems to have a knack for Herbology. I also know he's a nice person. I mostly just tried to pick people I know are nice and who would get along together." I frowned. "Honestly, I'd like to have someone from every house, but I don't know any nice Slytherins."

"Yes, because there aren't any." Oliver replied deadpanned. "Their alignments are Chaotic Neutral at best."

"That's not true. Daphne and Pricilla have always been nice to me. Sally has never said anything mean. Blaise is a nice bloke even if his mum gives me the creeps," Terry exclaimed.

"They're nice to you Terry, because you're also a pureblood." Oliver rolled his eyes. "Things are a little different for us." Oliver turned back to me. "It's a good idea to keep it to just first years. We'll be at the same skill level. Older students might also try to take over the group."

"I'm not sure older years would want to spend time with us anyways." I shrugged. "We can add some new first years next year if we want." Luna was getting invited no matter what. "I'll write something up over the Christmas break with times and then send it to everyone."

"Brilliant! I'll try to find an oxygen creating spell for my turn," Oliver stated, cheered up already. He seems like the resilient sort.

"I wonder if we can find spells that match Dungeon and Dragon spells?" I asked, secretly hoping to set Oliver on the path to do some of my research for me.

"Brilliant idea!" Oliver's eyes were shining again with excitement.

Yesss. Find my spider climb spell for me Oliver.

Hagrid walked over and dropped a heavy crate on our table. "Would you kids like to help? I'll teach you some wizard Christmas carols as we work!"

"Sure!" I exclaimed and jumped up. Oliver and Terry followed suit.

As it turns out, while wizards do have their own Christmas carols, half of their songs were just reworded versions of the muggle songs.

"Make it snow! Make it Snow! Make it Snooow!" I sang and chucked a glowing red crystal ball at one of the trees.

"In the meadow, you can transfigure a snow maaaaan," Terry sang while attaching a giant red bow to the teacher's table.

"And charm it to climb the local town!" Oliver sang and threw a red crystal ball at the tree.

"We'll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowmaaaan!" I picked up a gold star and threw it as hard as I could to the top of the tree. I could have used a spell to get it up there, but what would the fun in that be?

"Till the aurors make you take it down!" Hagrid bellowed and threw the last handful of ornaments at his tree.

As terrible as this song is, the one about the red-nosed house elf was much, much worse.

* * *

December passed by quickly, and before I knew it my Hufflepuff friends and I were exchanging presents the morning before they all left for Christmas break.

"Let's open presents now!" Hannah bounced a bit on her bed.

"No. It isn't Christmas yet. We have to wait." Susan looked disdainfully over at Hannah.

"You're so boring." Hannah rolled her eyes and shook her present from me. It made a small rattling sound.

I'd given Hannah, Susan, and Eloise the extra hair accessories I'd received from Boudica's Boutique last summer. All of the hairclips were ornate and magically hand crafted from metal. I think they will go over well. Even Susan appreciated a practical hair accessory. They were also within the budget we'd all agreed upon. I'm really glad we agreed on a small budget. I hate getting someone something too nice or not nice enough and making life awkward.

I'd bought Hermione her own copy of the book, 'You Can Never be Too Paranoid'. I knew I couldn't get away with giving her hair accessories.

"We don't necessarily have to open the presents." Eloise grinned mischievously and waved my x-ray specs in her hand.

"Hey! Accio spectacles!" I exclaimed and pointed my wand at the glasses. The glasses flew out of her hand sideways. Aww, they were supposed to come back to me. At least, something happened. "Cheater!"

"I was just taking the mickey out of you." Eloise stuck her tongue out at me.

Hannah sighed. "I still can't believe you did not tell us you were staying here over hols! Mother and father would not have cared if you came back with me."

"You can still come with me. Father has already told me to invite you to visit this summer. He won't mind. You can stay in my brother's empty room," Eloise suggested.

"You could still come with me, too." Susan laughed. "Mum is so knackered she wouldn't even remember I didn't ask. Did you know she's pregnant again and due late this summer? The baby isn't even two and she's having another!"

"Aw, you'll have two little siblings tottering about. How adorable!" Hannah exclaimed.

"No, it isn't. Bloody hell, there will be twice as much screaming," Susan muttered darkly looking forlornly into the distance. "Actually, don't come back with me, Kasey. Save yourself."

"I can't come without permission from your parents and mine. It's not a big deal guys," I assured them.

I was going to try to use the holiday break to befriend Harry and Ron. Or at the very least, talk with them. It also gave me time to find the Mirror of Erised. I'm really curious what I'll see in there. Me as a powerful adult witch? Me as an adult in a room full of hot men and delicious pastries? Who knows?

Hopefully, it's not something lame like me with my family. Who I don't miss. At all. Really.

"You're visiting us this summer! No excuses." Hannah wagged her finger at me.

Hmm, I'm going to have to come up with a plan on how to deal with the 'no parents' situation before then. Maybe I'll be visiting relatives in the States? I'm sure my friends would let me visit each of them in turn so I didn't have to "go home" at all, but there really is shit I have to get up to during the summer that I need to be on my own for. I wonder how long aging potions last? I could get a lot done if I looked like an adult most of the day. Well, muggle things. Wizards could probably detect that sort of thing.

The girls gathered up their things and I walked with them down to the Hogwarts lawn. The lawn was crowded with students and carriages. The thestrals were invisible to me although I could see their hoof imprints in the snow. I'd never seen anyone die in person. I suppose grainy news reports on television and YouTube videos of natural disasters didn't count.

After helping my friends load up their carriage, I waved goodbye and walked back into the castle.

At dinner time, I looked around the Great Hall table for Ron and Harry. The tables had been reduced to only one student table. There was a handful of Ravenclaws, Gryffindors, and Slytherins staying for the holidays. I think I was the only Hufflepuff still here. The common room had been eerily quiet after the train had departed.

Harry and Ron weren't anywhere to be seen. Did they not stay for the holidays? But the rest of the Weasleys were here...

What the hell. I'll just ask.

I sat down across from Fred and George. "Did your mum only want to see Ron this Christmas?"

"Yes." Fred replied sarcastically (I'm going to assume he's Fred he's got an 'F' on his sweater). "We've been disowned."

"Very tragic." George struck a tragic pose. "Now we'll never inherit Dad's prized rubber duck collection."

"Percy wasn't invited because he's too much of a ponce," Fred stated loudly enough for Percy sitting several people down to hear him.

Percy glared in their direction and then went back to speaking to the tall Ravenclaw girl he was sitting next to.

"Why do you want to know?" George waggled his eyebrows. "You wouldn't have a crush on old Ronnikins eh? Quite the downgrade from us I have to say."

"Is this 'fake crush' business going to be a thing every time I talk to you guys?"

"Maybe," Fred quipped. "As long as it annoys you, and you're being nosey."

I blushed. I was being nosey. They must think I'm fishing for gossip.

Fred and George laughed at my expression.

"Ron is spending Christmas with Harry and Harry's godfather," George replied congenially.

"Oh, that makes sense."

Good for Harry. Although, I can't help but wonder if Sirius is still a bit off. It wasn't that long ago when he was in Azkaban. Hopefully, he was a dog at the Quidditch match to avoid Rita Skeeter and not from a mental break. I wouldn't want to deal with her either.

At least, Ron was with him if things got awkward. What the heck am I going to get up to now? Randomly explore the castle by myself?

The plates and silverware appeared with a flash in front of us. A few seconds later, platters of roast beef and steamed carrots appeared on the table as well. It all smelled and looked delicious. I put some roast beef on my plate.

"What are you guys going to do during the break?" I asked curiously.

"That..." Fred trailed off. I leaned forward to hear. Fred smirked. "Is a secret!"

I suppose I had that coming.

* * *

I haven't had this much free time since last summer. I got my homework done this morning and now I'm not sure what to do with myself.

I walked into the common room. My footsteps loudly echoed in the empty room. It was downright eerie for the usually boisterous common room to be this silent. I'm going to have to go somewhere else for awhile. Hanging out in a large empty room by yourself with a bright sparkly yellow Christmas tree is depressing.

I went back to the dorm, grabbed my bag, and headed out of the common room.

I guess now is as good a time as any to start researching how to break the spells on the Occlumency library book. I can take a break for dinner and then wander the halls a bit. Maybe I can find the Mirror of Erised? Or some other random interesting place. Heh, I'll be careful to look for laundry shoots before I walk into a room.

The library was almost as eerily deserted as the Hufflepuff common room except for Madam Pince and one sixth or seventh year Ravenclaw boy intensely studying at a library table. He's probably a seventh year now that I think about it. The kids studying for their Newts always look they're one step from the edge.

Alright so... I guess I find a generalized book on permanent enchantments and go from there.

After a quick trip to the card catalogue, I wandered to the back of the library. The enchantment section was near the periodical section and smelled extra musty. Enchantment wasn't a subject taught at Hogwarts, so these books all had a fine layer of dust on them. I climbed the rickety ladder slowly, holding tightly to the railing as I ascended.

Merlin's balls, this has to be thirty feet up.

I glanced at the card in my hand and then at the books directly in front of me.

Shoot, I need to go much farther to the right. Do I get down or?

The ladder suddenly lurched to the right with a horribly screeching sound of seldom used metal scraping together. I grabbed onto the railing and held on for dear life as the ladder whooshed off to the right and stopped abruptly in front of the book I needed.

I crouched down on the ladder for several moments like a frightened rabbit, waiting for my heart to stop trying to jump out my throat. Eventually, my heart went back to normal and I pried my white knuckled fingers from the railing long enough to grab the book I needed. I very carefully descended the stairs, trying to keep my mind blank.

I walked to a table near the shelf and sat down to start researching.

An hour later, I shut the book and went to get another book on situational enchantment. Another hour after that, I shut the situational book and went to get a book on basic runes because apparently, situational enchantments worked a lot like computer programming with if/then statements, but the if/then statements were written in runes. An hour after that, I went to get a book on situational runes because basic runes weren't the right kind of runes. ARGH.

Two hours after that, I had a massive headache and needed to get a book on revealing enchantments and curses because I couldn't do anything about the runes on the book if I couldn't see them. Then another hour after that, I retrieved the book 'Curse Breaking: A Beginners Guide'. It's not enough to see the runes and know what they stand for, you also have to know the spell to cancel them out.

Bill Weasley must be a genius.

I went to Madam Pince to check out all of the books and dumped them in my bag for later. My head was throbbing.

I can't book anymore. I have the dumb. Read later. Want food now.

I was halfway to the Great Hall for dinner when a voice caused me to freeze in shock and fear.

"Miss Thompson! H-Hello. How are you? D-Doing some more research on the m-mysterious assailant?" Quirrel asked with a fake smile plastered on his face.

I immediately averted my eyes to the floor.

"Oh no, sir. Just some personal research for fun." I tightened my grip on my book bag. My heart started to hammer loudly in my ears.

"And here I thought we had a group of b-burgeoning girl d-detectives!"

I giggled nervously. "Oh no, we gave up on that."

Act normal. Act normal.

"Ah. What a g-good sensible Hufflepuff to give up if it's too hard. Let the adults handle things. I'd hate for one of my students to be injured." Quirrel's tone rang fake to my ears.

And how dare you, you son of a bitch. Hufflepuff's don't give up!

"I'm sure Dumbledore has things under control," I replied trying to keep my voice even. There was still a slight tremble at the end.

"D-Dumbledore is only human after all." Quirrel's tone seemed colder.

I'm not sure what possessed me to say what I said next. Maybe it was the crack about Hufflepuff's giving up. Or maybe I'd lost my goddamned mind.

"Dumbledore is the only one You Know Who ever feared. He'll solve the mystery," I heard myself saying as if I was far away.

Three full seconds of silence followed my statement. My stomach gave a horrible lurch.

"I was under the impression that You Know Who feared no one," Quirrel replied eventually. The edge of his voice held something cold and dangerous.

"Uh that's just something I heard people saying." I shivered and forced myself to hold my ground although my knees felt shaky.

"Hmm, I'd be careful listening to rumors if I were you. They are often exaggerated."

His shoes really do look like size eleven...

"Yes, that's true. Well, I better get to dinner. Good night Professor."

"Have a good night Miss Thompson. It must be quite lonely up there in the common room by yourself," Quirrel replied with false cheer.

Oh god.

"T-Thank you."

I forced myself to walk calmly away until I turned a corner and then sprinted to the Great Hall.

The food I ate at dinner might as well have been saw dust for all I tasted it. Later that night, I cast all of the protective spells and simple traps I could in my dorm room from Mayoral Stood's book. For good measure, I pushed my nightstand next to the door. I know it wouldn't do anything if the freaking DARK LORD wanted to murder me, but it made me feel better.

I thought about going to sleep in the Room of Requirement, but then I'd have to go through empty hallways and up seven flights of moving murder steps…

After I'd put up my feeble protections, I laid on my bed in the empty dorm room with my wand under my pillow. I jumped every small door creak, floor board groan, or slight whistle of the wind. After being awake for hours, I jolted upright as I came to a sudden and chilling revelation...

Quirrel had forgotten to stutter.

I didn't get a wink of sleep that night.

* * *

Two days passed, and Quirrel hadn't gotten around to murdering me.

Which was pretty awesome all things considered.

He must have still thought I was just a stupid clueless little girl. And in all honestly, I was feeling like a stupid clueless little girl. What in the world had possessed me to make a crack about Voldemort fearing Dumbledore? Whatever madness had possessed me, I was going to beat it down hard so it didn't surface again.

The next three days (other than meals) were spent studying my library books. I think I've figured out how to remove the curse on the Occlumency library book. The consequences of failure for this type of enchantment were listed as minor. The consequences varied wildly according to my books, but they were actually minor and not the wizarding version of minor where you're nose falls off. Everything should be fine.

Probably.

"Homenum Revelio," I whispered and looked around the seventh floor corridor. The cost was clear.

I pulled a piece of paper from my back jeans pocket and read it to myself silently as I paced in front of the blank wall.

'I need an Occlumency book, a sound proof room where the door is invisible from the outside after I shut it, and a table and chair... I need an Occlumency book, a sound proof room where the door is invisible from the outside after I shut it, and a table and chair... I need an Occlumency book, a sound proof room where the door is invisible from the outside after I shut it, and a table and chair...'

A door to the room appeared.

Phew! I'm glad I wrote it all down. It was a bit of a convoluted request.

I pushed open the heavy wooden door and entered.

The Occlumency book from the Restricted Section sat in the center of the room on a plain wooden table with one chair. I rolled up the sleeves on my hoodie (I hadn't bothered with robes since Christmas break started).

Let's do this.

I cast a silencing charm on the book first. It wouldn't affect any of the other spells, and I wouldn't have to listen to that harpy's high pitch screeching while I worked. The final spell would strip this one of all the other spells anyways.

Next, I cast the rune revealing spell. This took about half an hour of trying until I realized I was pronouncing the spell with the enunciation on the wrong vowel sound. I hadn't had an actual cursed item to practice on back in the dorm. I technically could have tried on one of the library books I had, but messing around with the books I had checked out was just asking for trouble.

I pulled out my fountain pen and notebook paper and quickly scribbled down copies of the glowing golden runes hovering over the book. I had to refresh the spell several times as it worn off. There might be a way to keep the charm continually glowing, but I didn't know it.

After I had made some passable sketches, I pulled out my situational rune book. I didn't know enough about runes to know what chapter to look into, so I had to flip through the whole book pausing to compare over and over. It took over an hour of searching (there are a lot of runes) until I found what I was looking for. Alright, so it's a Tabula Rasa rune. I suppose that makes sense. I vaguely remember coming across that term in college. I think it means blank slate?

I picked up my curse breaking book and turned to the chapter about tabula rasa runes. There were several that varied in complexity and purpose. There were three spells meant to break spells cast on objects instead of people and one was specifically for books.

Wow, the fact that you could touch something and lose part of your memory is super scary... Huh, this one lets you conceal yourself from various forms of magical scrying. I wonder if that's how Voldemort kept himself from being visible to the Marauder's Map?

I'm going to take a guess and assume Madam Pince used the most basic rune. She's vindictive enough to use the more complicated runes, but also seems very lazy. The books put themselves away and she won't help students find anything. I have no idea what she even does all day. Is the only thing she does is put curses on books and take naps?

I practiced the wand movement again slowly. I'd been practicing for the last two days, but you can never be too careful with magic. It was also rather long. If this worked, it would also cancel the silencing spell I cast on the book.

I took a deep breath and then cast the spell.

"Solve Fasciculos Tabula Rasa!"

The glowing golden runes appeared above the book once more, turned a brilliant crimson, and then... broke apart and faded into nothingness.

I stared for a moment, but nothing else happened.

Did I... do it? I feel like I should have brought a long pole to poke it before I touch it with my hands.

Note to self, get a long pole to poke stuff in the Room of Requirement when I start sifting through all the stuff there.

I poked the book with my wand. Nothing happened.

I poked it with my finger. Nothing happened.

I opened up the book. Nothing happened... and it had text.

FUCK YEAH.

I grabbed the book and flipped through it. The entire book was there; every word and every chapter and there wasn't even a hint of screeching.

I did it!

Take that Madam Pince! Take that, book store owners! Ha ha! Who's not going to endanger the entire wizarding world by accidently spilling the dark lord's secrets? Me. I'm not doing that. Or I'm less likely to do that now. Whoo hoo. I finally have an Occlumency book!

And now it was time to read the bastard. I can't wait!

The Occlumency book was really boring.

I can see why Harry had such a hard time of it back in the books. Harry was always a guy of action and little contemplation and this book is all contemplation and mind games. There is only one spell (Occlumens), but the rest of the book was about controlling your emotions, meditating, and creating 'mindscapes' with your imagination.

To be really effective at it, you also had to be able to cast the spell silently and wandlessly. Silent casting and wandless casting were two separate and very difficult skills. Just throwing a book at Harry and expecting him to fill in the gaps was foolishly optimistic at best.

Hell, the book recommended you learn Legilimency too!

I'm… pretty uncomfortable with that idea. I would probably read a Legilimency book if I had it, but I wouldn't want to use it.

Okay, maybe I'd use it to tell the Weasley twins apart. It would drive them crazy if I always knew which was which.

Now that I think about it, Snape being skilled at an art that requires you to control your emotions is really odd. I know on an intellectual level that Snape must be good at keeping his shit together when he has to or he wouldn't be a good spy. That's not what I've seen of him in class, though.

Was his junior high bully routine him already controlling his emotions? Did that mean he was constantly on the edge of going on a killing spree and murdering us all? Or was being shitty to kids just his stress coping mechanism?

Snape's immature baby tantrums aside, I think I have a chance at learning this. However, it was going to take awhile at least several months (maybe even over a year). I could practice the mental exercises right before bed. They were harmless and would only take about ten minutes a day. The real problem though, was that I wouldn't know if I was any good at it unless I had someone try to break into my mind with legilmency. I couldn't let anyone do that without exposing my secrets.

Well, all I can do is try.

* * *

The days of Christmas vacation dragged on.

I ordered my own copies of the rune and curse breaking books. I think they'll be useful for checking books in the Room of Requirement, and I had to buy Christmas presents that I can claim are from my parents anyways. I split my time before Christmas Eve between learning the next stage of the Shield charm (blocking physical objects), practicing Occlumency before bed, learning a few warming charms, reviewing my curse breaking books (I made a study guide!) and very reluctantly reading a Potions theory book I'd gotten from the library. And boy, was that one a snoozer. I was really going to need potions during the summer though, so I doggedly forced myself to read at least twenty pages a day.

There wasn't anything else to do but read with everyone gone. I tried to find the Mirror of Erised, but it was no where to be found. Dumbledore must have planted that mirror for Harry to find, because I had systematically looked for it to no avail.

Hmm, was he trying to teach Harry a lesson about dwelling on impossible dreams or secretly checking to see if Harry grew up to be a power/fame hungry monster? Maybe it was a twofer?

Christmas Day passed in a blur. The feast had been good. I had been a bit confused on what a 'cracker' was, until I realized everyone was referring to their party favors and not things you put in your soup.

I'd gotten a few presents from friends. Everyone but Hannah had sent me a book. Hannah had sent me this little gift set of hair changing potions. Oliver sent me "Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Tome of Magic". I think he was trying to trick me to do his research for him… You can't turn my own tactics against me kid. I'm on to your game.

The fact that I'm looking through it now is only a coincidence.

I turned on the small hand-held Wizarding wireless I had borrowed from Hannah's nightstand. The sound echoed loudly in the empty common room. They were playing some traditional Wizard Christmas story about an orphan kid and his pet kneazle... I stretched out on the plushy yellow couch in front of the fireplace and sighed.

Christmas was... getting to me. Normally, I was pretty immune to homesickness, but there was just something about the holiday atmosphere that dug into my guts and twisted... I don't want to go home. I didn't want to go back to my life of three gray cubicle walls. I loved magic and having magic. But... I sure would have liked to call home even for only a few minutes.

I know I'm being stupid. I wasn't even missing some grand family tradition or anything. My family didn't go anywhere for Christmas anymore (not since my Grandparents died). I'd make food, we'd eat the food around noon, and then we'd sit around and watch television (often in separate rooms).

It was just this general Christmas bullshit family togetherness atmosphere and the empty common room that was getting to me. I'll be fine after everyone comes back from break. I could get over this little bout of melancholy... No big deal.

At least, my eyebrows have finally grown back.


	15. Spell Club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: What do you think will happen with Quirrel now that so many things have changed from the original story?

Spell Club was a lame name and I knew it.

"Spell Club?" Hermione asked skeptically. "The name is a bit bland, isn't it?"

The irony of Hermione being picky about a club acronym name was not lost on me even if she hadn't come up with SPEW yet.

"The name needs some work. I'm open to suggestions?" I wrapped my cloak tighter around my shoulders.

Hermione, Eloise, Hannah, Oliver, Kevin, and Neville had all met me in the west courtyard to talk about my club idea. I had invited Susan too, but she turned me down citing Quidditch practice. I thought I'd just hand them the small write-ups I had explaining the club so we wouldn't be out long, but everyone had wanted to talk.

I shivered. The biting January cold was really starting to seep in despite the warming charms.

"What would we go over?" Kevin asked.

I shrugged. "Anything you want to go over as long as it's a spell or skill. We'll keep a list and someone can 'call dibs' ahead of time if there's something they want to go over. The only rule is that it shouldn't be something that someone else already covered or that we already went over in class." I paused. "Unless it's some fun way to practice a spell that we have already learned. I suppose we could always use more dodging or aiming practice for Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"What about flying?" Eloise asked innocently.

I grimaced and I could see Neville go pale beside me. "If... if you want."

"I'm having you on, Kasey." Eloise giggled.

"Of course, I knew that." I rubbed the back of my neck.

"McGonagall uses a spell to automatically update all of the bulletin boards from a hard copy she keeps herself. I could ask her what spell she uses. That way everyone could have a copy of the upcoming topics that automatically updates," Hermione suggested.

"Awesome! Thanks. That'll be really useful." I gave Hermione a thumbs up. "Does anyone else have any other questions?"

"Are you sure you meant to ask me to be in the club?" Neville asked half joking, half serious.

I rolled my eyes. "No, I meant the other Neville Longbottom. Yes, I meant you." I tried out my best McGonagall impression. "And I won't hear any nonsense to the contrary!"

Neville and Hermione laughed.

"I hope you're not going to try teaching impressions on your turn," Oliver joked.

"I'd like to see you do any better," I challenged.

Oliver repeated what I said, and came eerily close to McGonagall's voice. It got a laugh out of the entire group including me. He'd even got that 'I need to fart, but I'm too proper to let one out' expression McGonagall always has.

"Sir, I bow before your superior mimicry skills. Well, what do you guys think? Are you in?"

"I'm in. Can I ask Anthony Goldstein to come too?" Oliver asked.

I didn't know Anthony very well, but I think he was in the D.A. in the books? He's probably a decent sort then.

"Sure. Is there anyone else you guys would want to invite?" I asked the group.

Neville raised his hand. Hermione turned and glared at him. Neville winced and slowly lowered his hand.

Huh. I wonder what was going on there?

I waited a few more moments, but no one else volunteered a name. I still wish we had at least one Slytherin, but I guess it's an unrealistic dream with four Muggle-borns in the group.

"We'll meet next Saturday in the unused classroom on the fifth floor. It's the one next to the statue of the ancient Goblin Warrior queen riding the giant boar."

Hannah frowned. "The one that insults your hair or the one that vows to destroy everything you love and bathe in your future offspring's blood?"

"The blood lady. She's got the double spears."

Hannah nodded.

"I'll go first since it was my idea. After the first meeting, we can decide on a rotation order and what you want to go over on your turn."

Everyone agreed and we shuffled off to our next class period.

* * *

I held the library book in front of the shelf and it floated back into position. I grabbed the next one I needed for my potions essay on the shelf below it and started to make my way back to my library table. On the way, I passed Ron Weasley and Harry Potter who were halfheartedly searching through a pile of books next to them.

Hmm, are they trying to research Nicholas Flamel? Would they get anywhere without Hermione's help? They'll probably give up before finding anything. Without Hermione, the two can be a bit lazy. In this instance, it might be safer for them if they never managed to find any information about him at all. I certainly wasn't going to help them.

I sat down and dropped the heavy tome about poisons onto the library table. Hermione looked up at the thud, and then glanced curiously behind me at Ron and Harry.

"They must be lost," Hermione muttered and raised an eyebrow.

I felt a twinge of guilt. They could be the best friends she ever had...

"Can't you bury the hatchet with Ron?"

Hermione scowled. "I can think of a place I'd like to bury a hatchet."

I sighed and opened up my potion's book.

Maybe I could eventually change her mind, but today wasn't the day. For the past two weeks, Ron and Hermione had a mini feud going on. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but last Charms class Ron showed up with deer antlers, and in Herbology Hermione had shown up with her nose six inches too long. When I'd asked her about it, she'd just kind of growled at me so I'd left the matter alone. At least, Harry seemed to be staying out of it.

I finished up my potions essay and started on my history essay on the third goblin war. The notes I made during the summer helped me write the majority of my history essays, but I try to double check dates when I had time.

Huh, now that I think about it, how does Binns grade essays? He can't hold a quill. Yet, they're always graded and in a pile for us to pick up at the beginning of class. Weird.

"Are you done with that volume on the third goblin war? I need to check a couple dates in my essay."

Hermione handed me a book that had been sitting beside her. "Where did you find this? I looked everywhere. It must have been misfiled. It's so difficult finding anything in this library."

"Eh? I just used the card catalogue."

Hermione froze. "The...what?"

"Didn't you know that the library has a card catalogue?" I proceeded to explain the hidden Hogwarts library catalogue and how it worked.

Hermione's expression reminded me of an angry spitting cat who'd suddenly had a bucket of water dumped on it.

"How... no one told... they should have library orientation! Or signs! Some indication! Bloody mad wizarding world!"

"QUIET IN THE LIBRARY!" Ms. Pince screeched as she stepped out from behind a book case. She had an armful of books and looked extra evil today.

Hermione swiveled towards Ms. Pince and even she took a step back at Hermione's expression.

Fuck with Hermione's library skills and she gets GANGSTA apparently.

We didn't (by some miracle) get permanently kicked out of the library. But, Hermione's reply to Madam Pince got us banned for the weekend.

* * *

Snape's "dog attack" back in November continued to be a source of hilarity all the way into January.

I paused in the hallway on my way to dinner.

Professor Snape was putting up reward posters. The posters read in big black letters, ' **HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DANGEROUS BEAST? CONTACT PROFESSOR SNAPE** **IMMEDIATELY** **!'** over a drawing of a demonic black Grimm hound that looked nothing like Sirius's shaggy dog form.

The poster didn't even offer an award. Only the most brown-nosiest of brown-nosers would take him up on that one.

He didn't see me yet so I hid in an alcove behind a floor length tapestry. With the mood he looked in, he'd probably take away points for breathing too hard or simply for existing. I might as well wait until he's gone.

I heard two additional sets of footsteps approach. I guess I hid just in time.

"Good evening Severus. Still looking for the culprit?" McGonagall asked.

I peeked behind the tapestry. McGonagall and Flitwick had paused in front of Snape to examine the poster.

"That's not how I remember it," Flitwick mumbled. He looked like he was trying not to smile.

"You were sitting further away," Snape muttered through gritted teeth.

I ducked back behind the tapestry.

"Are you sure you're not overreacting?" Flitwick asked.

"It could be another hidden Animagus, Filius. Regardless, a dangerous animal like that should be put down," Snape retorted with a voice that practically dripped with hate.

I think Snape might have a literal aneurysm if he ever finds out the truth.

"Another Animagus? I find that highly unlikely." McGonagall's replied airily.

"I don't appreciate being talked down upon like a student," Snape retorted. The word student was said in the same tone of voice someone would say 'bug', 'vermin', or 'that mysterious gooey thing on the bottom of my shoe'.

"Does this have anything to do with the rumor about Filch and his cat?" Flitwick asked in a tone that sounded like he'd lost his battle to keep a straight face.

"Is the dog also Russian?" McGonagall asked innocently.

"I refuse to talk to the two of you if you're not going to take this matter seriously!" Snape growled out and I heard footsteps stomp away.

I waited until I heard McGonagall and Flitwick walk away before leaving the alcove. I then walked over to the poster, pulled out a black marker from my bag, and drew a curly mustache on Snape's demon dog.

This one is for you Sirius.

I snuck away, my dastardly deed done.

* * *

"Do you feel like you're sparkling yet?" Hannah asked me.

I tried to look over at her. Both of us were leaned over with our heads dunked into the tub. Our noses were barely above the water. We had poured a whole bottle of 'Celestial night Sky' hair potion into the water. The warm water smelled like cotton candy and was a dark midnight blue.

"Maybe?" I ventured. My scalp was weirdly tingly and my arms were starting to ache from holding myself up. "Is it supposed to burn?"

I heard the bathroom door creak open.

"Are you trying to commit suicide? You need to lean forward a bit more," Susan suggested.

"My back hurts," Hannah whined and shifted her body. Her shifting body created a small wave in the tub and water splashed onto my nose a little. I kept my eyes tightly closed.

"Beauty is pain," I muttered, remembering the time I had gotten a bikini wax and it was like my soul was being ripped out of my body.

"How long are you going to be leaned over with your bums in the air? I wanted to shower before Astronomy class," Susan asked.

"Use the other bathroom then." I shifted my weight to the other hand. The timer should go off soon. Unlike Muggle hair dyes, this one took only three minutes to work. You didn't even have to make sure you got even coverage. If you got most of your hair covered, the potion would creep up and cover the rest for you.

"All my things are in this bathroom already," Susan replied clearly annoyed at me.

I heard the door creak open again.

"What are you doing?" Eloise asked curiously. Eloise had been in the common room finishing up her homework when Hannah and I had decided to try out one of the hair potions I had received for Christmas.

"Dyeing our hair!" I said quickly trying not to get any water in my mouth.

"Why are you dying your hair?" Eloise asked.

"The real question is, why aren't YOU also dying your hair?" I asked jokingly.

I heard Eloise walk to the other side of the free-standing tub and then dunk her hair in the water across from us.

"So what color is this going to be anyway?" Eloise asked nonchalantly.

I might have to talk to that girl about caving in to peer pressure too easily.

"Celestial Night Sky. We're going to be stunning," I said quickly. A bit of water got in my nose. I guess my nose hairs are going to be stunning as well.

I heard the door open and close. Then ten seconds later it opened and closed again and there was a click behind us then a small 'whirr' sound.

"Susan, did you just take our picture?!" Hannah shifted and accidentally bumped me.

Susan chuckled darkly. "Ah, future blackmail..."

"You should take our picture after we get out and dry our hair!" I suggested.

"You should get in here too!" Hannah exclaimed. "Don't be the only one left out!"

Huh, I'm that stereotypical bad kid who peer pressures other kids into doing questionable things.

Sweet.

"No thank you," Susan replied.

"I guess you'll have dull and lifeless hair forever," I said. Some water splashed into my mouth again and I tried not to gag. Yuck, it definitely doesn't taste like cotton candy. Maybe I need to stop talking.

Susan snorted. "I'll learn to live with the shame." She paused. "The bottle says you're only supposed to use a capful."

I felt Hannah shrug beside me. "I'm sure it's a capful if spread amongst all of us and diluted in water. It'll be fine. I did it this way last summer with my cousin."

Hmm, note to self. Always, read the potion bottle myself before sticking my head in a bathtub full of it.

"Is it supposed to burn?" Eloise asked nervously.

* * *

The four of us trudged up the steps to Astronomy class triumphantly (well three of us were triumphant, Susan's hair was dull and lifeless).

A Ravenclaw classmate shielded his eyes from the light from our hair as we passed him on the stairs.

When we reached the top, I couldn't help but grin. The effect was just what we'd hoped for.

Our hair shone like guiding beacons in the night.

Our hair was dyed a deep velvety black that had a slight blue sheen. Patterns of stars twinkled on our hair. Eloise had a small version of Saturn's ring around her head and an asteroid field hovering near her ear. Hannah was lucky enough to get three moons orbiting her. I'm kind of jealous, honestly. All I got was one ice covered comet orbiting my head. I wanted some moons too!

I held my hand out in front of my face and watched my ethereal comet slowly pass through my hand.

"What..." Sinistra paused in front of our group. Her eyes were following my comet as it made its slow orbit. "What have you done to your hair?"

"We're showing our Astronomy appreciation!" Hannah spun around and her moons spun with her maintaining their orbit. One of her moons was apparently tidally locked.

"By uh celebrating the beauty of the celestial heavens!" I added looking jealously at Hannah's collection of moons.

Hannah pointed to one of her moons. "I'm pretty sure that one's Titan!"

"Indeed," Sinistra replied clearly dumbfounded by our stunning hair.

My comet flew in front of my eyes again. It's too bad it'll only last the weekend. I can't wait to try the other hair potions. 'Carnival Cataclysm' and 'Beach Bonanza' sound so promising.

I pointed to my comet. "If that was Halley's Comet it wouldn't come back for 80 years. Eh? We're being topical."

Sinistra opened her mouth like she was about to say something, shook her head, and then closed it like she'd thought better. She then sighed, turned around, and proceeded to ignore us for the rest of the class period.

Some people just don't understand fashion.

* * *

I headed out to the first meeting of Spell Club a half hour early so I could set up.

I wasn't too nervous about teaching everyone. In my early twenties right after I had graduated college, I had spent a miserable year as a substitute teacher. Working as a substitute teacher before deciding to go for a Masters in Education had been a good idea in retrospect. It saved me a lot of money. I would have really regretted getting my Masters. I didn't mind the teaching part, but I hated making kids mind. If the kids wanted to learn it was an okay job. But if the kids didn't want to learn, I didn't care if they learned anything either.

So yeah, I could teach if need be, but I didn't enjoy it. I wasn't going to be a Hogwarts Professor in the future that was for sure.

There was no way I was letting myself get stuck behind a desk again.

I have mad respect for great teachers though. McGonagall has taught teenagers for decades and never managed to murder even one of them. I wouldn't have done as well in her stead. Flitwick even acted like he was enjoying his job!

I paused in front of the statue of the Warrior Goblin Queen Stokkia. Stokkia held a spear in each hand and had a fierce half-mad snarl on her face. The giant boar she rode was nearly five feet tall with tusks big enough to gore a grown man. The statue was far enough away from the entrance to the classroom that no one was in danger of getting stabbed with the iron spear, but close enough that no upper classmen would want to use the room for a quick snog.

The statue turned its iron head toward me and screamed something in a deep guttery language that I assume is Gobbledegook.

"Good morning to you too!" I replied cheerfully to the statue.

Stokkia sneered and waved her spears at me threateningly. "Traitorous human! I shall devour your children and bathe in their blood!"

Hmm, I think the spears are welded to her hands. She seems like she'd try to chuck them at me otherwise. Why in the world is this statue even here?

"Jokes on you, I'm not having any children!" I smiled at the statue.

Stokkia made a spitting sound although nothing came out of her iron mouth. "Then I shall slaughter your livestock and laugh at your barren womb!" Stokkia declared and then started screaming some more Gobbledegook at me.

"It's good to have a back up plan!" I called out as I turned away and walked toward the classroom.

The classroom I had chosen was fairly large and mostly barren. There was one table in the back and a few benches along the walls. It was rather dusty last week before I came in and cleaned it up. I'm fairly certain no one uses it on a regular basis.

Hermione was already there sitting on one of the benches. She stood up at my approach. "I thought you might need help setting up." She paused and raised her eyebrows. "Who did that to you?"

"Eh? Who did what to me?" I asked confused as I walked to the back of the room and sat my bag down.

"Your hair obviously!" Hermione followed me to the back of the room.

"Eh? I did this to me." I took bottles of butterbeer and pumpkin pasties out of my bag and sat them on the table. My personal comet flew past my vision. Overnight the comet had picked up a tiny little green man as a passenger. The little green man waved to me as he floated by.

Hermione frowned. "Did a spell backfire?"

"No. I did this on purpose. Because it's awesome." I pulled out a small spool of ribbon and a pair of scissors from my bag and placed it next to the butterbeer. I had managed to snag the ribbon when Hagrid was putting away the Christmas decorations.

Hermione was looking at me incredulously. "So you need a stronger glasses prescription then?"

I stuck my tongue out at her. "Next time, you can join the makeover party!"

Hermione took a step back warily.

I started cutting the ribbon into very long pieces. "It's annoying that I can't just invite you over to our dorms."

Hermione shrugged. "It is a bit silly."

I finished cutting the ribbons. About ten should be more than enough. "So did you bring the schedule scroll?"

"Here." Hermione handed me a scroll with the title heading 'Schedule' and several small blank scrolls. "You can write on it with normal quills. You can also use the erasing spell we learned in Charms last week on the scroll. To update it and everyone else's copies, just tap the paper and say, 'Renovatio'."

"Awesome, Hermione. Thank you!" I sat the scrolls down on the table for later.

I used a basic sticking charm to stick the ribbons to the floor in long straight lines with plenty of space between each. Hermione walked around the room, magically cleaning any dust I'd had missed in my earlier pass. Soon after, the rest of the members began filing in. After everyone had arrived and sat their bags next to the wall, I cleared my throat and began.

"Welcome to the first meeting of Spell Club!"

Neville started to clap, realized no one else was clapping, and stopped abruptly.

"For our first meeting, I thought I'd go over one of the most useful dueling spells of all time, Expelliarmus. This spell knocks whatever your opponent is holding out of their hands. Most wizards and witches are useless without their wands. There are counters against it, but you have to prepare them in advance." I paused. "I suppose you could use it to disarm someone carrying a knife or gun as well."

Everyone stared at me silently. I coughed awkwardly and continued. "Hermione, would you mind standing a few feet across from me and hold your wand at the ready? I'll demonstrate the spell first and then we can split into pairs and practice. I put down the ribbons as guidelines to help separate us. I'm going to use them in a practice drill after we have the basics down."

Hermione walked a few feet across from me and held her wand up in the air. I performed the wand movement slowly and deliberately. "Expelliarmus!"

Hermione's wand flew out of her hand and clattered to the ground. I silently breathed a sigh of relief.

It would have been quite embarrassing if it hadn't worked!

"Do you want me to demonstrate the charm again?" I asked.

Everyone shook their heads.

"Okay, break into pairs and practice. I'll walk around and help anyone who has questions."

Everyone broke into pairs (and one group of three) and started to practice the charm. The results were mixed. Hermione was the first to get it right, but Eloise and Kevin struggled. Surprisingly, Neville was the second to successfully cast the spell.

I walked over to Neville and watched.

"Expelliarmus!" Neville exclaimed. A jet of red light shot out from his wand and hit Hermione's hand. Her wand flew out of her hand quite spectacularly.

I clapped. "Great job Neville!"

Neville turned bright red and stammered out, "T-Thanks. I ah, took your advice and asked my Gram for a new wand for Christmas."

I glanced at his hand. His new wand was a nice reddish brown with a swirly bit at the end.

"Has it helped?" I asked.

Neville nodded. "Yes. Spells feel uh, smoother? Does that make any sense?"

"I think I know what you mean. I'm glad it worked out for you." I smiled, clapped him on the back, and then moved on. Neville was still blushing.

Man, he's such a sensitive kid. I'm glad he got a new wand earlier than the books. Maybe this will help improve his confidence.

I stopped by Eloise and Hannah's group, corrected Eloise's wand movement, and then moved on to the next in line. Oliver and Anthony had the spell down, but their aim was sometimes off. I walked over to Kevin and paired up with him so there wasn't a group of three anymore.

Kevin picked up the charm quickly, and I got off the charm successfully most of the time. Occasionally, my aim was a little off. Kevin was quite small and I had to remember to aim down. Aiming is such a huge part of dueling. I've come across a few spells that 'homed in' on targets, but this was not one of them.

After about twenty minutes, everyone seemed to be casting the charm more or less consistently, so I left Kevin's side and walked back up to the front of the room.

"I think we've got the main gist of the spell now. As you've probably noticed, the hardest part of the spell isn't actually casting it, it's aiming. Since the spell always comes out in a straight line, the best defense against it is to get off of the line." I pointed to the ribbon lines on the floor. "The ribbons represent the 'line' of the spell. Hermione could you help me again by standing at one end of this line?" I pointed to one end of the line nearest to me.

Hermione walked up and stood at one end of the ribbon. I walked to the other end of the line and held my wand at the ready with one foot forward and the other slightly back.

"Hermione, please cast Expelliarmus at me on the count of three. 1... 2... 3...!"

"Expelliarmus!" Hermione exclaimed.

I stepped back backwards off the line at an angle with my back foot and slid my front foot to follow the back. I tried to step back just barely enough to avoid the spell. After the spell passed me by, I then turned back to the group.

"You want to try getting off the line just barely. Large leaps away look cool, but they leave you vulnerable. You don't want to be mucking about on the ground when someone is about to shoot another spell at you." I demonstrated the foot slide again. "By moving just enough, you're ready to shoot off a counter spell on your own. If you're really good, you can get a spell off before their spell passes you by." I shrugged. "I'd show you, but I'm not that good."

Anthony Goldstein raised his hand. "Can you show us the footwork again?"

I demonstrated again. "The important thing is to not cross your feet. If you cross your feet you're leaving yourself very vulnerable to tripping spells, being tripped, or just tripping up all on your own. Also, always try to stay on your feet." I paused and looked about the room. Everyone seemed to still be interested. "Are there any other questions?"

No one spoke up.

"Everyone pair up again. Find different partners this time. Take turns casting the spell and getting off the line. I have one more drill to show you after that." I waited and then took the person who wasn't partnered. This time it was Hannah.

We practiced for about ten minutes. Hannah did very well. Honestly, Hannah held her wand in a very formal way that made me think her auror mom might have taught her a few official dueling stances. I tried to copy the way she was holding her wand, and it did feel like I was straining my wrist less that way.

The practice helped me as well. I was able to get out of the way correctly most of the time although once I didn't get off the line enough and Hannah's spell hit me square in the face. Somehow, my glasses didn't go flying off my face although my wand went flying. I guess the spell just works by disarming hands? I suppose that's more than sufficient. People don't come at you very often carrying a weapon in their mouths or between their toes even in the wizarding world.

I practiced for ten more minutes and then walked up to the front of the room again.

"Now add a counter to the mix." I waved Hermione over again. "Hermione, cast the spell, I'll dodge, and then cast it back at you. Remember, anything that we do in practice is what we'll do in a real situation. That's why it's always good to practice attacking back. Ready Hermione? One... two... three!"

"Expelliarmus!" Hermione called out and a jet of red light shot out of her wand at me.

I stepped back and raised my wand, "Expelliarmus!"

Hermione's wand flew out of her hand. I walked over and picked her wand up and handed it to her.

My timing was still a bit off. I think I waited half a second too long. It's tricky because even though your body is out of the way, you have to stick your arm a little bit into the pathway of the line to hit her back. Hmm, maybe I could hold my hand over the arc of her spell so it passed underneath my arm? Or would that be too close?

"Work on this one for the remainder of the hour. After that, we'll make a list of the topics everyone wants to cover. Does that sound alright?" I asked looking about the room.

Everyone nodded.

Hannah and I practiced back and forth for several minutes. I struggled with the drill a bit. Sometimes, I could get the timing down, but other times my arm got in the way or I waited too long to counter attack. When it was Hannah's turn, she held her wand high and turned it downward slightly which allowed the spell to go underneath her arm. When it was my turn again, I tried copying her. It was a definite improvement.

"Did your mother teach you that?" I asked curiously.

Hannah relaxed her stance a little and looked a little sheepish. "Yes. She wasn't allowed to teach me any actual magic before I turned eleven, so she taught me some dueling stances instead. I wasn't very into it though... Do I look silly? I feel silly."

I shook my head. "Not at all. The stance works really well. Do you know any other ones?"

Hannah shrugged. "I just remember the two. I wasn't ah... paying much attention at the time."

I laughed. "It's okay. I know my eyes have glazed over when my parents start going on about computers. Go again?"

We practiced for ten more minutes and then I walked back up to the front of the room.

"The hour is up everybody! I hope you had fun? I brought some drinks and snacks. Um, don't feel obligated to get snacks when it's your turn. I just figured it would be a nice first club meeting thing to do."

Everyone grabbed a drink and snack and sat on the floor. I handed out the blank spell scrolls and then sat down with them.

"So... who wants to go next?" I asked looking around the group.

Hermione started to enthusiastically wave her hand in the air.

"Hermione I'm not a professor you don't have to raise you hand." I rolled my eyes.

Hermione stopped waving her hand and blushed. "Oh sorry. I would like to—"

"I want to set myself on fire!" Oliver interrupted.

"Uh what?" I asked a bit dumbfounded.

"I found a spell that makes you immune to fire! A portrait of a witch from the Middle Ages told me about it. She liked to let herself get burned at the stake. She used a charm that froze the flames so that they didn't hurt her. Wicked right? So I thought everyone could take turns trying to set me on fire!" Oliver was so excited he was rocking back and forth slightly.

I took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes. "How about you teach us the fire freezing spell and we try casting it on inanimate objects instead of you?"

"No, lets set Oliver on fire. I like this idea," Anthony said sarcastically.

"See? Anthony thinks it will work," Oliver interjected clearly not picking up on Anthony's sarcasm.

"I know a fire starting spell. I could take my turn first and show everyone the incendio spell?" Hannah suggested.

I took out my quill and wrote both suggestions down.

So we're going to be playing with fire. I bet that will go over fine. Probably.

"So we've got Hannah, and then Oliver. And we will not be setting Oliver on fire." I paused. "At least until we're confident we can do the spell correctly. Who's next?"

Oliver pouted.

"Is it okay to have a session on Herbology? I was hoping to cover Peruvian Giant Bean Stalks and Peruvian Jumping beans?" Neville asked hesitantly.

Beanstalks? As in, Jack and the Beanstalk? Huh.

"Sure." I wrote Neville's request onto the schedule. "I just called it Spell Club because I'm terrible at naming things. I was hoping we'd do other topics like Care of Magical Creatures and potions sometimes too. If anyone thinks of a better name next week let me know."

Neville frowned. "I don't know if it's safe to work on potions with me here..."

I rolled my eyes. "Neville you'll be fine. Potions is only terrible for you because Snape makes you nervous. Heck, Snape makes me nervous. He's a terrible professor."

Neville looked unconvinced.

"You'll do fine." Kevin patted Neville's shoulder. "We'll show you how to actually brew the potion instead of just hover over you and be an asshole."

"Language!" Hermione scoffed.

"No. Asshole is the correct term." Kevin crossed his arms stubbornly. "Entwhistle Potions has been in business since 1523. I know potions. I learned how to use a mortar and pestle when I was in nappies. Potions are fun and Snape is ruining them for everyone! That's the definition of asshole!" Kevin declared passionately turning red in the face.

That was probably the most words I've heard Kevin say in a row all year.

"So you're doing something on potions then?" I asked cautiously a bit unsure of Kevin's mood.

"Um, yes." Kevin blushed and his small frame deflated. "I um, would like to show everyone a spell that tells you what ingredients are in a potion. Snape should have done so already."

I wrote Kevin's club topic down.

"Who's next?"

Hermione raised her hand again.

"I want to do mine on mokes!" Eloise declared quickly. "Professor Kettleburn says he's going to get some in March. Can I hold my turn until then?"

Hermione looked exasperated. Eloise kept a straight face, but knowing her she probably interrupted Hermione on purpose.

"That's fine. I'll make sure your turn is in March. You'll be last in the rotation." I wrote Eloise's name down at the end of the list.

I don't know what the heck a moke is, but I guess I'll find out.

"Whose ne—"

"IwanttodothePiertotumLocomotorspell!" Hermione blurted out.

"Uh what?" I asked.

"The Piertotum Locomotor spell lets you animate objects to follow your commands for a limited amount of time. I saw it in a book the other day and it looks fascinating. I thought we could make snowmen and then animate them?" Hermione looked hesitantly at the group.

"Oh! Like Frosty the Snowman!" Eloise exclaimed excitedly. "That's a brilliant idea Hermione!"

"That actually sounds like fun," Hannah said looking at Hermione with surprise.

Hermione smiled and looked down bashfully. I wrote her suggestion down after Hannah and Oliver's. It should still be cold enough to make snowmen in three weeks. It sounds like a difficult spell, though.

"What about you Anthony?" I turned toward Anthony. He was the only one in the group that looked a bit bored.

"Eh..." Anthony shrugged. "The locomotor charm?"

I wrote it down. I think that it was in our second year charms book, but it I guess there was nothing wrong with learning it now. If Anthony even came back to the next meeting.

I tapped the schedule. "Renovatio!"

"Did everyone's copy update?" The group nodded at me. "So I guess we'll be setting things on fire next club meeting. Uh, everyone bring some sticks to set on fire?" I looked at Hannah.

Hannah shrugged. "Honestly, the spell will set just about anything on fire."

Yep, a bunch of eleven a twelve year old kids gathered together setting things on fire. I'm sure nothing is going to go wrong.

I stood up. "See you guys next week!"

Everyone else stood up and began to file out to head towards the Great Hall for lunch. Hermione stayed behind to help me unstick the ribbons from the floor.

"Where did you get the idea for the line drills?" Hermione asked curiously.

"Ah well, I used to take martial arts classes. 'Getting off the line' is a concept in aikido. Aikido meant it in regard to punching, but the same concepts apply to magic that casts in a straight line." I rubbed the back of my neck. "I was never very good at it, but I still remember the ideas."

Hermione nodded. "All my parents gave me were ballet lessons. I doubt they'll ever be useful."

She twirled clumsily and we both giggled.

Hermione stopped laughing and then looked at me with a serious expression. "We need to learn a fire extinguishing spell before the next club meeting."

I sighed. "Ohhhh yeeeeah."

* * *

That night at dinner, two delivery owls swooped down and dropped two letters next to my plate. One I immediately recognized as the 'fake parents' letter I had written to myself (which was already turning out to be a pain in the ass chore) and the other was a nondescript brown envelope with no sender. In fact, it wasn't addressed to anyone either. I wasn't entirely sure it was even meant for me, but the brown barn owl wouldn't leave until I picked it up. I stuffed both letters into my satchel nonchalantly and went back to eating. My roommates looked up at me for a moment, but didn't bother to ask.

I found out my discretion had been a good idea when I read the letter later that night with my bed curtains drawn.

_To Whomever May Accidently Find This Letter,_

_A certain map that I may or may not have mysteriously acquired will be returned to its owner (who is of course not you) before the end of term after I have created a copy of sufficient quality. I would like to take this time to say that whomever allowed me to obtain this map has done a great deed and is a credit to their house (if they were a student which is highly unlikely). They have saved an innocent man and should be proud._

_It goes without saying that the owner of a certain map should be discreet with their usage of said map when it is returned and not advertise that they have it with any professors who may or may not have been against giving it back to the owner. I have decided that said owner has earned an amount of trust and hope that he or she will use it responsibly._

_This is all, of course, unrelated to you for you have found this letter by pure chance._

_Signed,_

_A Careless Letter Writer_

Dumbledore enjoyed writing that way too much.


	16. For the Love of Turtles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Writing this chapter was like pulling teeth. One reason it took so long was that my hard-drive crashed. I lost my main copy of this fic and had to copy and paste from the space battles forums and then re-edit the entire story. My brain hurts.

I hadn't given up on making a friend in Slytherin.

I'd been biding my time, waiting to catch one of the Slytherin girls by themselves. Together, they seemed to reinforce each others racism (magicism? there's probably a better word for it). But if I'm able to get one of them by themselves. I could try starting a conversation with them. Then if she talked to me one on one it would be harder for her to think of me as "other". She'd be forced to see me as a person probably.

And if she was by herself and decided to curse me I would only have to block one curse instead of several. I could definitely take one random little girl.

So it was with that mindset that I stalked Daphne Greengrass like a stealthy jungle cat all the way to the bench in front of the lake. She had a large book in front of her and was reading intently. And most importantly, she was alone.

Daphne Greengrass was the epitome mysterious. She was one of those people who was only a name in the books. She was very quiet in class. I had yet to see her speak up or stand out at all. Currently, her ice blue eyes were riveted to her book.

"Hi!" I piped up from behind her expecting I might startle her.

Daphne, however, didn't move an inch. Slowly, she put her book on her lap. She then carefully shut the cover and turned toward me. Her face betrayed no emotion as she looked at me.

"Oh, it's a Hufflepuff," She said in an even emotionless tone.

"Hi, I'm Kasey. I'm in your year?" I held out my hand for a handshake. Daphne looked at it. Seconds ticked by as I held my hand out. Stubbornly, I kept my hand out and a full minute went by before Daphne slowly... went back to reading.

I awkwardly put my hand in my pocket.

"So um, what are you reading?" I asked. She had a pretty large tome.

"A book about turtles," Daphne replied without looking up.

Turtles? Well I wouldn't have guessed that.

I blinked and pushed ahead. "Uh, okay. Is it good?"

"Yes. Because it's about turtles," Daphne replied in a monotone voice still not looking up.

"You like turtles?" I asked awkwardly.

"Yes, that's why I'm reading a book about them," Daphne replied without a hint of sarcasm.

I'm... really striking out here. Is she messing with me? I can't tell...

"What's your favorite turtle?" I asked.

I know nothing about turtles. I didn't realize life would ever require me to know anything about turtles. I accidentally ran over a turtle once with my car because I thought it was just a rock, but I don't think that tidbit would be helpful in this conversation.

"The Green Sea Turtle," Daphne stated and turned a page in her book.

"Uh, what's so great about that particular kind?" I rocked back and forth on my heels nervously.

Soft snow had began to fall and the grounds were eerily quiet. No one else was around. The cold January wind had kept most people inside.

It took her nearly a minute to reply.

"We both have the word green in our names," Daphne finally stated with her perfect poker face.

Seriously, that girl could win some poker tournaments. I think she's for real... Or is this a genius way to torture the friendship seeking Hufflepuff?

Maybe I need to change tactics. Ask a more personal question.

"Do you have a pet turtle?"

Turtles weren't technically on the approved pet list, but I've noticed several kids sneaking in nonstandard pets. Professors looked the other way as long as it didn't cause trouble (or was a secret Animagus death eater).

"Yes." Daphne blinked... slowly.

"Uh, what's his name?"

"Turtle."

This time I had to take a long pause. "You named your turtle... turtle? Why?"

Daphne shrugged. "Because he's a turtle."

I think I may drown her in the lake soon.

What else do I know about turtles? Uh, I think I've watched a nature documentary about sea turtles on the beach once? "Have you ever seen them hatch on the beach?"

Daphne shook her head. "No."

A Hufflepuff never gives up! Accept my friendliness already damn it!

"What's your favorite thing about turtles?" I asked. The word 'turtles' is starting to sound weird. I think I've said it so many times in a short period that it's starting to stop sounding like a word.

"They taste delicious."

My eyes widened. "You're going to eat your pet?!"

"No. Why would I do that?"

I took off my glasses for a moment and rubbed my eyes trying to ward off an impending headache.

"Cause you said they were delicious?" I asked hesitatingly.

Daphne finally looked up from her book. "You're strange."

I'M STRANGE?!

Daphne titled her head at me looking me like I was a strange bug. But only a mildly amusing bug. "They also have pretty shells."

I laughed nervously. "Oh well, that's true."

"For making jewelry out of," Daphne added seriously.

I stared at her face, but I got nothing. She might as well have been a store mannequin. If I knew Legilimency, I would have read her mind then and there, moral consequences be damned.

"Are..." I trailed off, swallowed, and then gathered my nerves again. "Are you serious?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" she asked in her monotone voice and perfect God-level tiered poker face.

I stared at her, dumbfounded. Daphne went back to reading her book. A few minutes passed by. I gaped like a fish, my mind just going blank. Finally, I gathered my wits about me and did the only thing I could do.

"Nice talking to you. See you later!" I waved goodbye and got the hell out of there. She didn't look up from her book as I left.

You win this round, Daphne Greengrass.

* * *

The thick carapace split open and sulfur smelling green ooze pooled over the top of my knife. The mandibles twitched as I scooped up the green ooze with my knife and scraped it on the lip of the bowl. The bug wasn't still alive, the small twitches were simply remnants of fading electrical impulses.

Still Goddamned creepy though.

I then put 400 milliliters of pixie dung into the same bowl. Next, I used a wooden spoon to mix the two together before dumping the mixture into my cauldron.

The cauldron instantly turned from orange to a bright green. It then began to swirl on its own. Occasionally, the swirls would form eerily human frowns.

I glanced once more at the directions. All I had to do now was wait three minutes, and then do three counter clockwise turns with my wand. After that, my Potion of Sorrow should be complete.

I wiped a bead of sweat from my forehead. Snape had walked into the classroom in a particularly foul mood today and had decided it was time for a surprise quiz. He picked a potion for every student from the first year book seemingly at random. And that wasn't the worse part, we were told we'd have to drink it! Even if I made it right, it had literal shit in it!

The Potion of Sorrow was technically a poison, but it'd wear off in an hour. I wasn't looking forward to being clinically depressed for an hour.

I glanced beside at Eloise's cauldron. She'd lucked out and gotten a simple Pepper Up potion which we'd already made. Her potion, however, didn't look anywhere near correct. At this point, it should be a pale pink and be emitting warm steam. It was more red though, and I could feel intense heat emanating from it. It was more lava than Pepper Up potion.

Eloise was absently stirring her cauldron, starring off into the distance. Something was definitely wrong, more so than the fact that she was going to have to refuse to drink lava in about ten minutes. Honestly, it looked like she was trying not to cry.

It wasn't the first time she'd botched a potion and she wasn't that broken up about it last time...

I glanced again at Eloise's cauldron. It looked beyond vile and boiling hot. I'd like to hope Snape wouldn't let a child drink literal poison, but I really didn't want to wager a little girl's safety on how much Snape was willing to be a dick.

Currently, Snape had his back towards us while berating a girl named Sue Li about the proper way to shred snakeskin. Poor Sue Li's English was still a little shaky, so I'm not sure how much she was actually absorbing from Snape's ranting. Snape's class was stressful enough, I can't imagine how hard it must be if it was a second language.

I looked to my right and tried to catch Kevin's attention. After a few moments, Kevin looked up and locked eyes with me. I silently nodded my head towards Eloise beside me.

Kevin glanced over at her cauldron, frowned, and then mouthed, 'What potion?'

I glanced over at Snape, but he was still being as asshole to Su Li.

'Pepper Up', I silently mouthed back.

Kevin glanced at Eloise's cauldron again and his eyebrows shot up.

Well, that wasn't a good sign.

Kevin looked conflicted for a moment, then broke off a sprig of lavender from a bundle on his work station. Kevin held it out behind his back.

I glanced up at Snape's back, and then grabbed it from Kevin as naturally as I could. Kevin said something silently I didn't catch. He seemed to notice my confusion and motioned with his hand throwing something underhanded.

Am I supposed to put the whole thing?

Kevin motioned again.

I doubt it can make the potion worse...

I chucked it into Eloise's cauldron. Just in time too, because a second later Snape spun on his heel and turned back toward us.

"One more minute!" Snape bellowed looking disdainfully at us. I don't think I've ever seen the guy with a positive expression on his face.

I looked back at my timer and grimaced. I had let my potion simmer twenty seconds too long. I quickly turned off the burner and did three counter clockwise turns with my wand. The potion thickened into a syrupy liquid like it was supposed to. It was also supposed to be a dark hunter green and it looks... close to that? Maybe a shade darker? It's not like the stupid potion's book came with a color wheel. Surely, twenty seconds wouldn't make that big of a deal?

I glanced at Eloise's cauldron. It was no longer a violent shade of red, but instead a bubblegum pink. It wasn't radiating the heat of the sun anymore either. Pepper Up potion was supposed to be a little steamy so she probably wasn't getting a good grade, but at least it looked less... poisony?

I really need to find some time to do more potion's study.

"Time is up!" Snape sneered and looked around the room. The students were all in varying states of nervousness or outright panic except for Kevin. Kevin just looked annoyed.

Snape then proceeded to slowly go about the room. Many students refused to drink theirs and Snape gave them a zero on the assignment. At least, he wasn't forcing people to drink their potions. I think mine is okay to drink? Surely, twenty seconds wouldn't ruin the whole thing. Yeah, I'm going to chance it. To hell with getting a zero.

I waited nervously, shifting from foot to foot. Each second seemed to drag on, until finally Snape was asking Kevin to drink his potion. Kevin swallowed his without hesitation. Instantly, his hair turned from black to a bright blonde.

Snape nodded, and moved on without any comment.

"Your turn, Thompson," Snape said and paused in front of my work station.

I ladled some potion into a goblet. The dark green liquid swirled around of its own violation making frowning faces. I hesitated. It still smelled like poo.

"Are you going to take the zero then?" Snape asked, amused.

I took a deep breath, and then chucked the whole potion down my throat at once. It had the consistency of syrup and felt like it slithered down my throat of its own accord. It tasted... well let's say I could definitely tell there had been poo in it.

I waited a few seconds, but didn't feel any different.

Oh God, it doesn't work! I'm going to get a zero! I'm going to fail potions! And if I fail potions would that create a downward spiral in my grades? Would I then fail out of Hogwarts?! And then I'm going to be homeless with nowhere to go. Bad things happen to little girls on the streets! Would they take my wand if I fail?! How will I be able to go on without magic?! How will I live without magic?! I don't want to be a Muggle again! I'M DOOMED!

WHY OH WHY WASN'T I BETTER AT POTIONS?!

I burst into tears.

"Sufficient, if a bit too potent. You let it simmer too long." Snape chuckled darkly. "Enjoy your afternoon, Miss Thompson."

As if I would enjoy anything ever again!

Snape moved on to Eloise. Eloise looked ready to burst into tears too. As she should, because she was going to horribly fail was well. But she had a family to go back to when she inevitably gets kicked out of Hogwarts. She's not going to be HOMELESS.

Snape glanced at Eloise's cauldron. "I suggest you take a zero."

Eloise's shoulders slumped and she nodded.

All of my effort to help her was for nothing! Nothing!

Snape moved on down the line, but I didn't pay much attention to the rest of the class. Why should I, when this may be the last time I ever see Hogwarts?

I had barely put anything away by the time Snape was done torturing the rest of the class.

"Class is dismissed!" Snape declared and swept out of the room abruptly. In a hurry to go... somewhere. Maybe he's recommending to Dumbledore that I needed to be expelled?! Or deported?!

I'm going to miss this school so much! What does the Ministry do with random deported pseudo orphans? Or would I be handed over to the Muggle government?

"Are you okay?" Kevin asked hesitantly.

"N-no." I tried wiping my face, but the tears just wouldn't stop.

Kevin glanced over at my potion's book. The book was still open to the assignment's page. "Oh. That explains it. You definitely made it correctly..." He trailed off.

He's lying to me to make me feel better. Oh how pathetic I must be!

"But I got a zero!" I wailed in anguish.

Kevin sighed, "No you didn't."

I wiped my snotty nose on my robe sleeve. The tears just wouldn't stop.

Kevin looked around desperately. "Someone help..."

Eloise walked up and looked startled at my appearance (clearly my already hideous appearance was now even more ghastly). "What's going on?"

Kevin looked relieved. "Her assignment was a Potion of Sorrow. Makes me wonder if she did something to get on Snape's bad side... I think she must have kept it on the burner too long. It's almost a Potion of Despair... It should still wear off by dinner though."

Eloise glanced at my face bewildered. And she still looked a little sad. She must be depressed that she has to deal with me. I know I would be. "Oh... it's okay. I'll take it from here."

Kevin gathered up his things quickly not able to stand being in my horrible presence for much longer.

Eloise helped me gather up my things. I could barely see through the tears. I'm so useless!

Hannah walked up. "What was yours? I just got an itching poison." She scratched her arm idly.

Eloise shrugged. "I had a Pepper Up potion. I didn't drink any... Kevin said Kasey's was a Potion of Sorrow."

Hannah raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that at the very back of the book? Some of those aren't taught until next year."

Hannah handed me her handkerchief.

I blew my nose loudly. My nose was starting to get stuffed up from all the crying. I wasn't a pretty crier. In fact, I look like a monster. A horrible monster that no one would ever want to be friends with. Who will die ugly and alone.

I held out the handkerchief to give it back to Hannah.

Hannah wrinkled her nose. "No keep it. Or burn it."

I stared at the silk handkerchief. I've ruined it! What if this was a family heirloom?!

I started sobbing again.

Susan walked up to us. "Transfiguration should be interesting this afternoon."

I grabbed onto Susan's arm like a lifeline. "Will you guys still be my friends after I fail all my classes and am kicked out of Hogwarts?"

Hannah snorted. "Bloody hell, you have better grades then me. Are you sure this wasn't the Potion of Annoyance?"

I nearly collapsed in despair. "That was a no wasn't it?!"

Susan laughed.

Eloise glared at Susan. "This isn't funny."

Oh Eloise, you are my ever noble friend who I don't deserve. I hope when I am gone you find a better friend.

Susan shrugged. "It's a little funny." She turned to me and waved her wand. "Silencio!" My sobbing fell silent. "There. Now, let's get her to class."

I sobbed silently all the way to Transfiguration class; a horrible burden upon my noble friends.

* * *

I was a little embarrassed after the potion had worn off. And by a little, I mean mortified beyond comprehension.

"You can't stay under your covers forever," I heard Susan scoff from outside my safe blanket fort.

It was getting a little stuffy in here, but outside was a world of embarrassment where I acted like an idiot. It wasn't even that I acted like a real eleven year old. I spent the afternoon acting like an eleven year old that was also an idiot.

"It... it wasn't that bad?" Eloise said unconvincingly.

I groaned. The stupid potion had made me a melodramatic moron, but it hadn't done anything to my memory. "I told McGonagall I was sorry she was old!"

Maybe I should have just taken the zero... No, screw that. I didn't want the zero either. Fuck you Snape! Was the potion petty revenge for my role exonerating Sirius? Or just coincidence?

Hannah pulled at my covers trying to pull them off me. "You weren't the only one being disruptive. Professor McGonagall made Jonathon stand in the corridor because she said the lights were giving her a headache."

That was true. Jonathan had kept flashing red and green like a Christmas light.

"I think it helped that you followed it up with a bunch of compliments on how she didn't deserve to deal with so many mean kids," Eloise unhelpfully suggested.

I curled into a ball under the covers.

Susan laughed. "Sorry, I was going to renew the Silencio, but I got distracted with the Transfiguration assignment. The hilarity potion hadn't worn off completely either so I was a little out of it too."

Hannah scratched her head. "You sure it's not in your system a little? I'm still a bit itchy."

Susan giggled. "Maybe... But the expression on McGonagall's face when you said you were sorry she was an old maid is something I will always remember."

I tried suffocating myself with my pillow.

Hannah yanked the covers from me. Cool hair hit my overheated body.

I dragged myself up with a groan and leaned against the headboard. My face was still sore from all the crying. I bet I look like shit.

"There, now I can take a shower without thinking you're going to suffocate." Hannah walked off to the bathroom and shut the door.

Susan picked up her school bag and walked out of the room, probably to do some homework. That left me and Eloise alone in the room. Eloise was putting some kind of cream on her face. The poor girl's acne had gotten worse again. Surely, wizards had come up with a cure for acne by now. Although, in canon the only thing Harry had even known about Eloise was that she had really bad acne. You'd think by fourth year she would have dealt with it if she could. Maybe there wasn't a wizard cure for acne?

Eloise slowly rubbed the cream into her skin while holding up a hand mirror. Her gaze seemed a million miles away though.

"Is something wrong?" I asked quietly. Maybe she'd tell me now that we were alone.

Eloise looked up, startled. "What? Oh no, everything is fine."

Everything was obviously not fine. Ugh, I feel like her mom.

"If you change your mind about wanting to talk, I'm here to listen." I grabbed my library book from my bedside table and settled down to read a little bit before bed. _The Wonderful World of Turtles_ was a fairly thin Muggle book. I could probably finish it before I went to sleep. The library had a decent number of Muggle books. I guess wizards have no reason to write their own books about non-magical creatures.

I had also picked up another book on curse detection. I really want to start looking through the Room of Requirement for awesome stuff, but I didn't want an important body part to rot and fall off after I touch something cursed.

Are you ready for conversation this weekend Daphne Greengrass? Because I will be. We shall talk about stupid turtles and become friends. Then there will be representatives of every house in Spell Club. We'll blaze a new trail of school unity, mending age old divides. Just wait and see.

I got about fifteen pages into _The Wonderful World of Turtles_ (spoilers, it wasn't wonderful; it was boring as shit) when Eloise turned to me and said quietly, "Please don't ever cheat for me again."

I looked up from my book. "Oh, you noticed that. I thought we were going to be forced to drink our potions. I wouldn't have done so otherwise. You'd created lava."

Eloise frowned. "I wouldn't have drank it. I'm not an idiot."

"I never said you were." I rubbed my neck nervously. I honestly hadn't seen it as cheating at the time. Snape was so damn arbitrary about grading and fairness I guess I really don't give a shit about the accuracy of his quizzes. I wouldn't cheat on a formal test or the O. , but on one of Snape's pop quizzes designed just to fuck with people?

Sometimes you have to cheat in order to be fair.

"I'd rather fail on my own merit," Eloise stated quietly.

"Sorry. I won't do it again," I promised.

Unless we get Umbridge in fifth year. Then all bets are off.

I got through half of my turtle book and decided to take a break. Hannah was still in the bathroom. What was she doing in there? And Susan was still gone. Eloise had her family photo in her hand looking at it forlornly. If this was a sitcom, sad piano music would be playing in the background. It was a bit ridiculous. Maybe she's just homesick?

"The test wasn't what you were upset about during the test." I sat my book down on the nightstand beside my bed.

Eloise bit her lip, looked unsure for a moment, and then shrugged. "I was just being silly. I'm fine."

Ugh, no you're not fine.

The bathroom door opened and Hannah came back in the room. Curlers were in her hair, some foul smelling cream was on her face, and her fingers and toenails were glittering pink. Some kind of purple smoke was leaking from the bathroom. That better be dissipated before I have to brush my teeth.

I sighed, pulled the curtains around my bed closed, and settled in to practice Occlumency a bit before bed.

* * *

I couldn't think of anything fun I wanted to set on fire for Spell Club, so I just went to Hagrid's hut and asked for one of the logs he'd chopped for firewood. Hagrid ripped off (with his bare hands!) a chunk that I could lift (although I was still straining).

I wrapped it in one of my spare cloaks and shoved it into my purse. I wasn't sure if it was going to fit, but the opening of the purse expanded to let me shove it in.

Hagrid didn't even ask me why a twelve year old girl needed to shove a log into her purse.

I met Eloise, Hannah, and Hermione on the way to the club room. Happily, Hermione seemed to be getting along with everyone, even Hannah. Just because the Golden Trio didn't form there, doesn't mean she has to be doomed to have no friends.

"What weak birthing hips you all have! May all your births be misshapen stillborns!" Stokkia hissed at us as we passed.

Hermione stopped and turned around, scandalized. "We're still children!"

Oliver jogged up to meet us and flashed Hermione a cheeky grin. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll grow up to have nice birthing hips,Hermione!"

Oliver and Anthony ran by and into the room laughing hysterically.

Hermione looked at Oliver's retreating back, mortified.

"I shall steal your children and boil their bones to make bread!" Stokkia screeched and rattled her spear again.

Can you make bread from human bones like in Jack and the Bean Stalk? Was that really a thing in the past of this world? Giants didn't really seem smart enough to bake. Does it rise or is it unleavened bread? Why am I even wondering this?

"Come on, she won't shut up until we get into the room." I walked quickly into the room and then shut the door after everyone had filed in. Stokkia's screeching ceased.

Neville and Kevin were already in the room waiting for us. To be honest, I wouldn't have mind loitering a bit more. Hermione was turning some hilarious shades of red.

Oliver ran up to us and dropped a pile of what I can only describe as "random shit" onto the floor. He then rubbed his hands together in glee like a cartoon villain. "Let's go start some fires!"

I made eye contact with Hermione and she nodded. We'd met up a few days prior to practice the Extinctus spell. There shouldn't be any 'stop drop and roll' incidents.

Hannah pulled out a large chunk of magazines and sat them on the floor. "What did everyone bring? I couldn't think of anything except for some old magazines."

Oliver was literally bouncing from foot to foot in excitement and was waving something in his hand. "Look what I made!"

I walked closer. Oliver had a roughly carved wooden doll. The doll had a long black robe hastily sewn together and a large hooked nose. It had painted black hair on the top. A little cardboard cut-out of a cauldron was taped to its hand.

"Is that Professor Snape?" I asked incredulously.

A creepy wooden effigy of Professor Snape.

"Yes! Brilliant, isn't it? I made it all by myself! And now I get to watch it burn! Mwhahaha!" Oliver cackled evilly.

That's not creepy at all Oliver.

"Wow." Neville whispered in awe looking very jealous of Oliver's Snape effigy.

"Don't worry mate!" Oliver pulled another nearly identical doll from his other robe pocket. "I made two! You can have the other one!"

Neville took the other doll with reverence. The two turned towards each other and gave each other a mischievous grin. And for a second, I felt like I got a glimpse of the confident man Neville would grow up to be.

Also, I think Oliver has just made a best friend for life. I half expect them to bro-hug in a second.

"I just brought my last Transfiguration test and an old scarf," Anthony said and held the items up.

Oliver pulled out an action figure from his random pile of shit. "My older brother also sent me a box of random stuff from home." Oliver picked up an action figure from his pile. "Does anyone want to use my old He-Man figure? I know from experience that He-man burns nicely."

Oliver you are such a weirdo.

"Be careful he doesn't run away," Anthony said and took Oliver's action figure.

Oliver shook his head. "Oh no, it's a Muggle action figure. They don't run away when you set them on fire."

"Huh. That's not as fun," Anthony muttered and shook He-Man a few times like he was trying to get the figure to move.

Correction: Boy's are weirdos.

"I only brought a few sticks," Hermione mumbled looking awkward and dumped a pile of sticks on the floor.

"I brought a log." I reached in and heaved it out of my bag. My muscles strained as I waddled over and dumped it with a loud thud several feet from everyone's piles. My arms are probably going to hurt tomorrow.

Neville had brought a pile of old Potions homework, and Kevin brought a small black lump that looked like coal. Everyone gathered up their piles on the floor and make sure there was sufficient space between all of us.

Hannah walked up to the front of the group. We all walked up closer so we could see her wand movements more clearly.

"Hi um, I also learned an extinguishing spell, Extinctus so we could put the fires out." Hannah said.

I had taught Hannah the spell yesterday. We took turns before bed starting and putting out the fire in the common room after all the upper years had went to bed.

"The incantation for the fire spell is Incendio. Make sure to point it directly at what you want to catch on fire. It shoots out of your wand tip. Here's the wand movement." Hannah demonstrated. "Incendio!"

Hannah pointed her wand at the pile of magazines. Fire shot from the tip of her wand and caught the magazine on fire.

"The extinguishing spell is Extinctus and the movement is like this." Hannah demonstrated again. "Extinctus!"

Nothing shot out the end of her wand. Instead, the fire simply winked out instantly.

We went back to our piles and started to set our stuff on fire.

The room was quickly filled up with the smell of burning cloth, wood, and melted plastic. It also got smoky really fast. And well, fuck. I didn't think of the smoke. I was already getting wizard 'lack of common sense'.

I jogged up the front of the room. "Time out everybody! We're going to have to take turns!" I coughed.

There was calls of "Extinctus!" as everyone put their fires out. Neville and Eloise had to try multiple times to get theirs out.

Hannah walked up to the front of the room with me. "I didn't think-" She coughed. "About all the smoke."

I opened the door and let some of the smoke dissipate. Hopefully, no professors (or Filch) were about to stroll by. Luckily, the smoke dissipated pretty quickly.

"I'll go first!" Oliver volunteered. "He-Man isn't completely melted and I haven't even burned tiny Snape yet." Oliver set He-Man on the floor and then stepped back. "Incendio!"

He-Man melted into brown-ish goo. Never to save Eternia ever again.

Oliver playfully punched Neville in the shoulder. "Let's throw our Snape's in together!"

I took a step back from them. No way am I letting my eyebrows get cinged off again.

"Incendio!" Neville and Oliver said together and threw their mini Snape's into the already burning pile. Their combined spells hit and the flire jumped up with a hot WHOOSH. The flames nearly reached the ceiling for moment, and then died down.

I'm glad I stepped back.

"Hocus Pocus! Bibitty Bobitty Boo! May Snape never gets a girlfriend!" Oliver waggled his fingers at the fire.

Neville looked startled. "Is that a real spell?"

Oliver shrugged. "Probably not."

We all stood around and watched the mini Snapes turn to ash. It was kind of cathartic actually. After the mini Snapes were fine ash, Neville and Oliver extinguished the flames.

Hannah went next and set the rest of her magazines on fire. "Take that, witch weekly! That spell didn't make my hair shinier in a seven days!"

The magazines turned to ash in seconds and were then put out.

It was my turn next. I don't know why this has turned into some weird burning catharsis thing, but I can roll with it.

"Take that log and the uh Muggle world's dependence on fossil fuel! Incendio!" I called out and flames shot out of my wand to ignite my log.

Everyone but Hermione looked kind of confused and she just rolled her eyes at me. I shrugged and cast the extinguishing charm.

Anthony shrugged. "Uh, I wish you weren't unraveling scarf? Incendio!"

The scarf went up in flames and flames.

Hermione threw her sticks in. "I wish I had made a tiny Ron Weasley to burn! Incendio!"

The fire expanded dangerously, and Neville had to cast the extinguish spell on his pants quickly.

"Oh, sorry Neville. Extinctus!" Hermione put the fire out.

"It's okay. It's not the first time I've been set on fire this week," Neville replied completely serious.

Kevin sat his piece of coal on the burn pile. "I made this. It's called a fire flower seed. Incendio!"

When Kevin's spell hit the piece of coal, a plant made of fire grew out of the coal. It grew six feet tall, bloomed a brilliant shade of cerulean blue, and then fell back into the fire into nothingness.

We oohed and ahhed and Kevin smiled happily as he put out the flames.

I'm glad I hadn't went after him. That had been beautiful.

Now that we had all taken our turns it was time to clean up. We busied ourselves with casting Scourgify on the ashes on the ground. Banishing the burnt remains would have been best, but none of us knew the spell yet. Scourgify worked for the most part, although the stone where we were burning as still slightly darker than the surrounding areas.

"I can't wait for my turn next week! I'm going to look like some amazing hero standing in the flames! It's going to be wicked!" Oliver punched the air.

"We're not setting you on fire!" I glared at Oliver.

Oliver waved his hand in the air dismissively. "Sure, sure."

"Susan's mom just bought her that large jug of burn cream. I'll ask to borrow it," Hannah declared.

"We're not setting Oliver on fire!" I shouted, but no one was paying attention to me. Everyone was already excitedly making plans for next week's club meeting.

Apparently, next week we're setting Oliver on fire.

Adventure Ahoy?

* * *

Round Two Miss Greengrass!

I found Daphne Greengrass this time on a bench in the southern courtyard. She had a blanket around her legs and was reading a book again. Now that I think about it, she probably came out here in the middle of winter to get away from people. There are plenty of warmer places she could have gone. I'm feeling kind of bad about stalking her all the way to her quiet reading spot... But I'm here already and I read that whole boring book about turtles so I'm not giving up.

"Did you know, that the Green Sea Turtle is the only species in the genus Chelonia?" I asked from behind Daphne.

Daphne didn't startle at all. In fact, she didn't even turn around.

"Yes." Daphne stated evenly.

I came around to the front of the bench. Daphne was still looking down at her book. "It's too bad they're endangered huh?"

Daphne turned a page in her book. "For now."

I raised an eyebrow. "Uh for now?"

Daphne's gaze flicked up to me for a fraction of a second. "The Muggles are killing them... for now."

A chill went down my spine. That sounds... ominous. Even said in her monotone voice.

I sat down on the bench next to her. "Are there magical species of turtles?"

"Yes."

Damn. The book I had gotten had been just about regular turtles.

I pulled the hood of my cloak up. The icy wind really bit into you. "Uh, what are they?"

"Greengrasses," Daphne stated.

You know, the wind doesn't seem to be bothering her at all.

"Oh, like your name then?" I shivered. It was freezing out here. Is her blanket enchanted?

Daphne gave me a small barely perceptible nod. "Yes. My family raises them."

"What do you use them for?" I asked curiously.

"They're fast."

"Do you race them?" I imagined a group of turtles running so fast they made little dust clouds.

"No." Daphne actually looked up from her book at me. "You're weird."

If I'm the Duchess of Weird then you're the Queen.

"It was a reasonable question!" I rolled my eyes. "Then what are they used for?"

"Their powdered shells are used in potions and broom production," Daphne stated and then went back to her book.

"Those also have the word green in them. Why aren't they your favorite?"

"Because they don't live in the sea. They live in the grass."

I blinked slowly, feeling my blood pressure start to rise. "Have you ever thought about racing them?"

"No." Daphne turned a page of her book.

How is she talking to me AND reading that book?

"Why not?"

Daphne shrugged. "They don't want to race."

I laughed. "How do you know?"

"They said so," Daphne said.

I went silent for a full thirty seconds, sure that I had heard her wrong.

"You can speak to turtles?" I asked surprised.

Although, I don't know why I was so surprised. There were lots of random magical talents out there. I really should get a book on them. Hmm... or she's just screwing with me.

I. Can't. Tell.

"Yes," she stated like having a rare weird magical ability wasn't a big deal. And maybe talking to turtles wasn't as big a deal as being a Parselmouth. There probably hadn't been too many turtle themed dark lords throughout history.

"That's interesting. Can you speak to anything else?" I asked wondering if it covered other amphibians.

"No."

"What do they say?" I asked. Being able to talk to an animal would be so cool. Harry never really did take advantage of being a Parseltongue.

"Feed me."

My eyes widened. "That's it?"

"Or 'Feed me more'."

I slumped. "Oh."

Daphne shrugged. "They're turtles."

Well, reading that boring ass book had been a waste of time. There was probably no topic you could bring up about turtles that would be interesting to someone that could literally have conversations with them. But surely, her whole entire life can't revolve solely around turtles.

"So uh... do you like anything other than turtles?"

"Rocks."

I resisted the urge to rip my hair out from the roots and run screaming into the forest.

"Uh, like in jewelry?"

"No."

I nearly started crying. Do I even want her in the club anymore? Because then I'd have to see her every week...

"What..." I sighed. "What kind of rocks?"

"Igneous, Sedimentary, and Metaphoric rocks."

A vague memory of a college geology class flitted through my mind.

"Isn't that... all the kinds of rocks?"

"Yes."

I stared at Daphne. She stared at her book. Several minutes went past. The only sound in the courtyard was the wind whistling through the castle.

Something inside me broke and I got up and walked away without saying another word.

There has to be another Slytherin I can ask to be in the club. One that cares a lot less about turtles.

Daphne Greengrass was the most boring girl I had ever met.


	17. Sugar Momma Valentine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: What did you think of my version of Daphne? I tried to make her different than her typical fandom persona.

Harry must be the most unobservant boy in the world, because I have no idea how he failed to notice that Hogwarts was actually vomiting pink and red hearts the weeks preceding Valentine's Day.

I moved my head out of the way of a large heart shaped bubble as it bobbed down the hallway. I'd learned the hard way yesterday that they didn't always pop when they hit you. Sometimes they just encased your entire head and you had to scramble for a quill to pop it off. I don't think I would have suffocated or anything, but the inside of the bubble smelled strongly of overpowering old lady perfume.

Worse was the sheer number of teenagers sucking face everywhere in the halls despite the teachers being on high alert for any underage snogging. I'd seen McGonagall give some stern lectures on propriety and Snape spray two teens with water as if they were horny cats. Flitwick preferred shooting a spell at the snogging teens that covered them in pink glitter that refused to wash off until the end of the day. I heard some upper years referring to it as "The Glitter of Shame".

I walked into the Herbology room with plenty of time to spare before class started. The normal work stations in the Herbology room had been replaced with desks. Sprout always replaced the work stations with desks when we were going to have a test.

Were we supposed to have a test today? I honestly can't remember. I guess I had spent too much time reading the enchanting books I had checked out of the library and not enough studying.

I backhanded a red heart bubble off of my desk and sat down.

Who thought these stupid bubbles were a good idea? They were so much more obtrusive than the talking cupid statues or the pink and red streamers. Maybe they're actually Fred and George's handiwork?

Hermione dropped her bag on the desk beside me and grumpily began sifting through it. A pink bubble was stuck on her head and she had two more stuck to her shoulders. They looked like those flotation devices you put on babies in the pool.

"Did you get attacked by Cupid or what?"

Hermione pulled a quill from her bag and started popping the bubbles.

"It was Harry and Ron."

"Harry and Ron are behind the bubble plague?"

Hermione violently jabbed the bubble on her arm. "I can't prove it of course. But I know they're behind it."

I'm not sure if Hermione is just being biased or Sirius has started to be a bad influence on Harry and Ron. Or maybe a bit of both?

"Are you going to rat on them?" I asked, concerned. Hermione was unpopular enough with her housemates. If she started narking on people all the time, it would just get worse.

"Oh no, I'm going to get revenge." Hermione smiled softly to herself.

That's not really healthy either...

Professor Sprout emerged from her office in the back and walked to the front of the room.

"Please, put everything away but your quill and ink!" Sprout sat a large box down on her desk. "All of you will be given several plant specimens. Make small sketches of each and then identify them. Bonus points will be rewarded for any additional information you provide. Do anything you need to do in order to identify your plant including smell, feel, and taste! True Herbologists use all of their senses!"

Sprout handed us each five plants and then strode back up to her desk to wait for us to finish. I received one red leaf, three green leaves, and one weirdly prickly purple apple.

I gave my red leaf a tentative lick.

Huh... What magical plant tastes like sausage gravy?

I really should have studied for this...

* * *

The enchanting section of the library was dark, dank and the light overhead kept flickering on and off. I leaned precariously over the rusty metal ladder trying to reach "Howl's Guide to Advanced Curse Detection". It was at the top of a ridiculously high shelf. I swear the ceiling moved upwards to accommodate the bookshelf when I ascended the ladder. It felt like we had kept going up and up and up... The ladder had stopped short of the book. Apparently, the ladder didn't quite go all the way to the end of the row.

The ladder creaked ominously as I leaned further over.

Almost there...

My fingertips touched the spine of the book...

Wait a minute.

I paused and then sat back. What the fuck am I doing?

"Wingardium Leviosa!" The book floated towards me and landed in the palm of my hand. I glanced around, but the Enchantment section was still completely empty. No one had seen me acting like a total Muggle.

I glanced down at the book. There was a weird stain on the edges of the pages and spider webs still clung to the book, but the inside was undamaged. Huh, the last person to check this out had been a student named Sophie in the 1910s. After I read this, I think I can be fairly confident that I will know if something has been cursed or not in the Room of Requirement. I can't break any of the curses yet, but I'll at least know not to poke it.

I descended the ladder slowly and carefully (and with a little bit of terror). Once on the ground, I turned left and then took a shortcut through the customs and etiquette section.

I stopped. Standing in the middle of the row was a Slytherin girl in my class with long sandy blonde hair reading a large tome entitled, "Etiquette, Customs, and History of the Most Noble Houses".

What a stroke of luck. Sally-Anne Perks was on my list of potential Slytherin friends and here she was all alone with no other mean girl backup. Try number two of Operation: Slytherin Friendship is a go!

"Hi Sally. How are you?"

Sally squeaked, hastily shoved the book back into the shelf, and then turned around to cover it with her body.

"H-hello!" She saw who I was and relaxed slightly. "What do you want?"

I feel like she was trying to sneer but it was coming off as more of a cringe.

I smiled and held out my hand. "I just wanted to introduce myself properly. I'm Kasey."

Sally started to reach out to shake my head and then abruptly pulled away. "It's Sally-Anne. Not Sally."

That sounds like a hillbilly name from the American South…

I dropped my hand to my side. "Do you like to read?"

"No, why would you think that?" Sally-Anne asked while leaning against the bookshelf. I think she was trying to look nonchalant, but the gesture looked really forced.

"Uh, because we're in a library and you were reading a book?"

Why was she trying to hide that book from me?

Sally-Anne flipped her hair over her shoulder and laughed nervously. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Ooohkay." Time to change tactics. "What did you think of the Transfiguration quiz? I think I did okay, but when I tried to reverse the transfiguration my flower pot never quite made it back to being a beetle."

"It was quite difficult wasn't it? I only ended up with a flower pot that squeaked..." She trailed off. "Not that it's any of your business of course! Excuse me, I have um, things to do!"

I started walking in the same direction

"Are you following me?"

I actually wasn't following her on purpose. "This is the way to the checkout desk. I like your bag by the way. Did you get it at Boudica's?"

I vaguely remember seeing one like it with at the boutique.

"Oh yes! They have a lot of cute purses. Mother got it for me for Christmas. I gave her the-err I mean she went and got it…" Sally-Anne frowned. "Stop talking to me!"

"Sorry?" I asked sarcastically. I don't think I'd done anything to merit her treating me like I had a contagious disease.

Sally-Anne halted abruptly and gasped. "Priscilla!"

A strikingly pretty young girl with immaculate blonde ringlets and blue eyes was standing in front of Sally-Anne. "Oh there you are. I was wondering if I could copy your notes on..." Priscilla trailed off as she noticed me. Her friendly expression morphed into a sneer and hers didn't come across as fake at all. "You weren't talking to this… Hufflepuff girl were you?"

I mentally crossed Priscilla Runcorn off of my list.

Sally-Anne shook her head quickly. "No! Of course not. She's bothering me."

Daphne Greengrass stepped around the corner as well. She was carrying a bundle of books and acknowledged me with a slight nod and a soft, "Hello."

I smiled. "Hi Daphne. How are you?"

"Fine," Daphne replied in her usual monotone.

Priscilla scoffed. "Daphne dear, Do you know her?"

"She's in our year," Daphne stated neutrally.

Priscilla was hitting the nineties mean girl routine so hard, I bet she told people to wear pink robes on Wednesdays.

I rolled my eyes. "We literally have half our classes together."

Priscilla ignored me and turned toward Daphne. "You know you can't associate with someone like her."

Suddenly, the temperature in the air seemed to plummet and one of the lights above us flickered. Sally-Anne took a step back. Even I felt a little chill down my spine.

Daphne had narrowed her eyes slightly. As in an ACTUAL EXPRESSION.

Yikes.

Daphne took a step toward Priscilla... slowly. "Are you... telling me what to do?"

Priscilla held her ground, but I could see the hand at her side trembling slightly. "No!" Priscilla gulped. "But you know we're of a different... sort than her."

"I'm still here," I reminded them.

Sally-Anne nodded in agreement with Priscilla. "Uh yes, we are all a different sort."

Priscilla crossed her arms across her chest protectively. "We stick with our own kind. You wouldn't want to sully your reputation. You have to take into account the implications."

Daphne took another step forward and this time Priscilla did take a step back. "So you're telling me I'm not ALLOWED?"

That last word had actual inflection in it. Dangerous murderous inflection.

Priscilla however must have been a bit dense because she kept talking. "Not in those words, but I'm glad you understand."

Daphne nodded, her expression blank one more. "Oh yes... I understand."

"Priscilla, you're sure doing a lot to fight that reputation that all the evil people get put in Slytherin. Good on you for defying those stereotypes," I interjected sarcastically.

Priscilla finally turned back towards me, anger apparent on her face.

I put my hand in my pocket where I kept my wand.

"We uh, have to get going!" Sally-Anne grabbed Priscilla's hand and started to drag her away.

Daphne watched them for a moment, shrugged, and then followed at a slower pace.

Huh, guess I'm not about to get detention for dueling in the library. Cool.

"Bye Daphne! By Sally-Anne! By Priscilla! So glad we got to talk!" I said intentionally loud enough for the group of older Slytherins sitting in a table to the right of me to hear.

Sally-Anne looked over her shoulder, red-faced. "Don't bother me again!"

I watched them go as Sally-Anne quickly pulled Priscilla towards the library door.

That had been interesting.

I didn't mark Sally-Anne off my mental list quite yet.

* * *

I knew immediately that there was something up in Transfiguration. The desks had been pushed together in groups of four and there was a table to the right filled with art supplies. McGonagall stood at the front of the class room with her arms folded in front of her. She looked surly as hell.

"The Headmaster has decided it would be... fun for the students to make Valentine's Day cards." McGonagall's tone clearly indicated she thought it would be anything but "fun". "Take one blank card each. Draw whatever you want on them. After you are done, I will then show you the spell to animate your drawing. There are colored pencils and glitter on the table in the corner."

"Did you lose a bet?" I asked.

McGonagall scowled at me. "That is none of your business, Miss Thompson. Ten points from Hufflepuff."

She so lost a bet.

I received my blank card and walked over to get a handful of colored pencils. I grabbed several colors and some pink glitter and sat back down. I stared at the blank paper for several minutes at a loss of what to draw.

Hannah leaned forward and peered at my blank card. "Who are you going to make yours for?"

"The person I love the most?"

Hannah squealed. "Oooohh who is it?!"

"Me."

Hannah's scrunched up her nose in disgust. "Why am I even friends with you? You must like someone."

"No. Only myself. My heart shall be hoary before the day is done," I stated in my best Daphne Greengrass impression.

Eloise stopped drawing and looked up. "You're going to do what with your heart?"

Susan looked up as well. "I'm impressed you can even make that reference."

"See? I'm impressive. That's why I love myself so much."

"I'm giving mine to Harry Potter," Hannah stage whispered and held up her card. The front of her card had a lightning bolt incased in a heart. She was currently covering the lightning bolt in gold glitter.

Giving Harry a card with a symbol of the scar that killed his parents on the front. Good idea Hannah.

"Have you ever even spoken to him?" Susan asked.

Hannah scowled. "I have. My quill fell off my desk once. And when he handed it back to me our hands touched and I thanked him!"

"You're definitely going to have to marry him now. Touching a boy's hand without being married. So scandalous!" I held my hand over my heart and feigned having a heart attack.

"Shut up." Hannah stuck her tongue out at me.

"He probably doesn't even remember that," Susan stated bluntly.

I bet the poor kid will get a mountain of letters.

Hannah hmmped and dumped more gold glitter on her card. "Neither of you are invited to our wedding."

"If my hoary heart could still feel anything, I'd be really sad about that." I started drawing some hearts around the border of my card. I drew some hair on a few of them.

"Susan, who are you sending yours to?" Eloise asked.

Susan actually blushed. "I uh, haven't decided yet."

Hannah squealed. "Oh yes you have! Tell me!"

Susan shook her head. "No, you'll just tease me."

Hannah giggled. "Of course, what are mates for?"

"Still not going to," Susan stated and went back to drawing.

I glanced over at Susan's card. She was drawing a very intricate and accurate looking snitch.

"No one wants a Valentine from me," Eloise mumbled miserably.

Susan stopped drawing. "Who said that to you?"

"Who do I need to beat up?" I asked seriously. I'm not above beating up a preteen who has it coming.

Eloise shook her head. "No one said anything. But my face is..." Eloise trailed off and touched her face. Her acne had started to leave scars.

Hannah put her hand on Eloise's arm gently. "I'm sure there's a potion or spell that can help you."

"We're witches. We'll figure something out," Susan said with confidence.

"We will help you any way we can." I patted Eloise's other arm. "There's more to it than looks anyway," I added, just in case we couldn't.

The conversation died down after that, and we went back to working on our cards. Despite my joking, I really didn't want to make a card for myself. Making a card for another kid was out of the question though. I felt creepy just thinking about it. But, who else could I make one for? My imaginary parents? Hmm, maybe it doesn't have to be a Valentine's card. Maybe I can get away with a "Thank You" card instead?

I started to scribble on the card. I'm not the best artist, but I think my drawings were at least recognizable. I was finishing up the main drawing on the cover of the card when McGonagall came around to show me how to animate the card.

"Your turn, Miss Thompson." She demonstrated the charm. "Now try it on..." She trailed off and then peered more closely at my card. "Why have you drawn house elves on your card?"

"I'm sending my card to them. They don't seem to get much recognition for all the hard work they do. People really take them for granted, ya know?"

McGonagall looked surprised, then conflicted, and then annoyed. Finally, she muttered under her breath, "Ten points to Hufflepuff."

McGonagall walked away still looking a little annoyed.

I tried to visualize what I wanted and then cast the charm to animate the card. The cake on the front of the card suddenly had candles that flickered subtly and the three house elves on the front smiled as confetti fell from the sky. The large ' _Thank you for all you do for us!_ ' inside the card now flashed from pink to red.

I hope they like it. Now to figure out how the hell I even mail it to them. Can owls get into the kitchens?

* * *

Harry did get a mountain of letters. Owl after Owl dumped them in front of him during breakfast until the mountain of pink envelopes was so high I couldn't see his head anymore from the Hufflepuff table.

"The kid's sure popular," I mumbled around a bite of sausage. A few of the letters were bouncing around the Gryffindor table and several more were flying around on their own accord. One envelope was already open and blaring the latest Charmed4U love song (Release your Hippogrip).

Hannah's face turned bright red. "Who are all those other girls?! We don't even have that many girls in our class!"

I swallowed a mouthful of sausage. "Boys? Girls from other schools? Older girls robbing the cradle?"

Hannah stabbed her sausage link angrily with her fork. "I wasted my Valentine's card on Harry."

"It's not like he asked for that many cards. I'm sure he's—" I froze as two envelopes landed in my lap. Two pink envelopes.

I tried to hide the envelopes from Hannah, but it was too late. Her eyes zeroed in on them like a bird of prey swooping down upon a fat juicy rabbit.

Hannah's squeal was ear piercing.

"Shut up, Hannah," I muttered and stuffed the envelopes into my bag before more people saw them.

"Hurry up and eat so we can see who they're from!" Hannah grabbed my arm and shook me causing me to miss my mouth and hit myself in the face with my fork.

I glared at her and wiped my face off with a napkin. "I'll open the stupid envelopes after class."

Or I will sneak off to the bathroom at some point and read them in private.

Eloise sat down beside me. "Open what?"

Hannah leaned over me, knocking my arm askew again. "Kasey received two valentines!"

"Ooooh," Eloise whispered back excitedly.

I pushed Hannah back so I could finish my damn breakfast. "Don't tell everyone."

Susan dropped down into the bench next to Hannah. "What are we 'ooohhing' about?"

"Kasey has two secret boyfriends. She might even be part of a love triangle," Hannah gushed.

I started to choke on a mouthful of eggs. Don't just make shit up Hannah!

"Oooooh," Susan and Eloise chorused in perfect unison.

"No I'm not!" I protested after managing to not choke to death.

Susan tsked. "Those poor boys, in love with a girl with a hoary heart."

"Will someone please explain what a 'hoary heart' is?" Eloise asked looking annoyed. "Because it sounds quite rude."

"Oh no, not hoary as in 'whore'. The Hoary Heart is a fairy tale. I'll tell you later," Susan assured Eloise.

Eloise shrugged. "Okay."

Susan grinned evilly. "I suppose she could have a 'whore heart'. Only time will tell."

Hannah grinned evilly too. "That's a HORRID thing to say."

"I hate all of you." I angrily stabbed my fried potato with my fork and tried to tune them all out. Food would make everything all better. Nothing bad ever came from eating your feelings way.

"We'll have to watch her or she'll try to sneak off and read them without us," Susan stated.

"Cause it's none of your business?" I couldn't help adding.

Hannah ignored me. "Good idea. No one let her out of your sight."

Just wait and see you little assholes.

* * *

I really wasn't able to sneak off.

True to their world, the girls stuck to me like gum on the bottom of my shoe I could never quite scrape off. I could have stunned them all and ran, but I feel like that would have done irrevocable damage to our friendship no matter how satisfying it would have been for me. I almost made it to the bathroom on my own during lunch, but somehow Susan was right behind me offering to hold my bag for me.

She's going to grow up to be a hard edged private detective. I'm sure of it.

Class went by unusually fast. I avoided opening the envelopes during lunch by getting Susan on a good Hollie Head Harpies rant and a Valentine's Day themed Charmed4U packaged arrived in the period after dinner that kept Hannah at bay. Eloise was too distracted by the book of wizarding fairy tales she'd gotten at the library to badger me too much.

After Astronomy class, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. It was after midnight and the common room was deserted.

I sighed and flopped down onto the couch facing the common room fireplace. My friends crowded around. I pulled out the two pink envelopes and sighed. Neither of the envelopes had a return address.

Aren't I a little too young for this? I really thought I had a few years before this shit started happening. And why did this happen at all? What change had I made to make Valentine cards appear in this timeline?

"Stop stalling and open them already!" Hannah urged.

I took a deep breath and opened up one of the envelopes. On the front of the card was a crude drawing of a girl holding a brown bag that had a large galleon sign on it. The drawing's hand moved up and down and gold glitter "coins" spurted out of the end of the bag occasionally.

What in the hell?

I opened the card cautiously...

And was suddenly assaulted by a torrent of gold glitter. It was like a fire hose of glitter was spurting out of the inside of the card. Just as I was about to fling the card away, the torrent stopped just as abruptly as it had started.

I wiped some glitter from my face and looked up. My friends had jumped out of the way like little ninja witches.

Ugh, some of it is in my mouth.

I spit out a mouth full of glitter. I felt like it was stuck between my teeth, too. I spit out another chunk of glitter and coughed again. I think some of it is even in my lungs.

I glanced down at the inscription inside of the card. It read...

_Happy Valentine's Day to our favorite Sugar Momma!_

_XOXOXO,_

_Gred and Forge._

I closed the card calmly and then threw it into the fireplace.

"Kasey!" Hannah admonished, shocked.

I watched with satisfaction as the edges of the card burned and it collapsed into ash.

"Who was it from?" Susan asked.

Two soon to be dead redheaded twins.

"No one." I wiped at my eyes again.

"No one just sent a geyser of glitter at you?" Eloise asked incredulously.

"Uh huh." I opened the other card. My friends all took cautious steps back.

Let's just get this over with.

It was a pink card with a red heart on the front. The inside of the heart was a complicated geometric pattern that the kid had penciled in by hand. It looked like it had taken a long time. Inside in simple neat handwriting it only said:

_I think you're nice and pretty._

They hadn't signed their name.

Well, if they want to remain anonymous then they can do so forever and ever. I really don't want to have to step on some poor little boy's heart. Maybe if I pretend like I never received it they'll get the hint? Throwing this one in the fire seems pretty damn heartless. Should I just chuck it into my school trunk and forget about it?

Or if I murder Fred and George I won't have to worry about any of this in Azkaban.

"Who is it from?" Hannah asked and yanked it from my hand.

"Hey!" I tried to grab it back, but Hannah dodged my hand.

"Aww, there's no name. You have two secret admirers! I'm sooo jealous." Hannah sighed dreamingly.

"The first one was a joke card obviously." I sat back down on the couch upon a puddle of glitter. It was all over me anyways.

Hannah peered at the letter as if she could figure out the identity of the sender if she squinted hard enough. "One admirer is more than I've got."

"Much less than Harry though," Susan joked.

Hannah stuck her tongue out at Susan.

"What are you doing to do?" Eloise asked.

I tried wiping my hand off on the couch arm but the glitter just wouldn't come off. I like to sparkle just as much as the next girl, but not when I'm forced to sparkle. "Nothing. I don't have a crush on anyone so it doesn't matter."

"That's pretty cold," Susan remarked.

I picked up a doily from the side table next to the couch and tried rubbing off some of the glitter. Luckily, it came off of my glasses easily, but any that had touched my skin still refused to come off. Why won't it come off?!

Hannah raised an eyebrow at me. "If it doesn't matter to you, then why didn't you burn this one too? Hmm?"

I shook my hair but the damn glitter wouldn't shake off. Get. The fuck. Off. Me. Glitter.

"The other one was a joke card! Besides, we're too young for any of this stuff."

I tried wiping off some of the glitter on Hannah's robes.

"Hey!" Hannah jumped back away from me and I took advantage of the distraction to grab the card back from her.

I was covered in glitter that wouldn't come off, I felt like a creepo for getting a Valentine's Card from a kid, and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I stared at the card and something inside me just had enough for the day.

"I'm going to go take a shower and go to bed," I grumbled and walked away. I hate leaving the mess behind for the elves, but there's no broom anywhere around here and I don't know how to banish things yet.

The other girls followed behind me. I think I heard Hannah mutter something about me being an 'enemy of love'. Whatever. I wish you'd gotten the stupid cards instead of me. I wasn't sure what to do with the card so I just sat it on my nightstand. I'll deal with it tomorrow.

I found out a very unfortunate fact after a long shower full of scrubbing... and scrubbing... and scrubbing... The glitter wouldn't wash off in the shower. At all.

I'd been covered in the Glitter of Shame.

* * *

I didn't bother doing any prep for this week's Spell Club. Oliver had assured me that he "had everything under control" and that it would be a "surprise". Which had me intrigued and worried at the same time.

I made my way slowly to the Spell Club room. I was trying to take as many abandoned and out of the way corridors as possible. The glitter of shame still coated my skin.

I ducked into an empty classroom and hid behind a tapestry, narrowly avoiding Peeves. The colorful poltergeist floated on by without noticing me.

I suppose I should be plotting revenge against the Weasley twins. I thought up some pretty elaborate revenge schemes last night as I was scrubbing my skin raw. But in the end, I decided that would just start a prank war with the twins and a prank war sounded like a gigantic pain in the ass. Might as well just take the hit this time. But if they tried this shit next year… Oh there would be blood. Sparkly blood.

I almost made it all the way to the club room without running into anyone. Unfortunately, my luck didn't hold out as I turned a corner and ran into two upper classmen.

An older Gryffindor girl (a seventh year maybe?) jumped away from the boy she'd been making out with. She relaxed when she noticed I was just a first year. The pretty brunette girl put a hand on her heart.

"I thought she was Flitwick for a moment!" The girl noticed my glitter covered state and widened her eyes. "Aren't you a little young for the glitter of shame?"

I sighed, feeling defeated. "It was a prank."

The older Gryffindor girl giggled. "Awww, sure it was. Puppy love is so cute!"

The corner of my left eye twitched.

Her Hufflepuff boyfriend (or makeout partner at least) raised an eyebrow. "Isn't it usually pink?"

"It was a prank," I stated again.

The Hufflepuff boy laughed good-naturally. "Don't worry! It washes off in a day!"

The two giggled and then shamelessly started making out again in front of me as if I wasn't there.

I walked off hurriedly. I forgot how gross teenagers could be. Ugh. I can see why Snape wants to spray them with water. At least, find a broom closet or something.

I finally turned into the corridor where the club room was located and practically sprinted towards my destination.

As I passed, Stokkia opened up her mouth to insult me, looked confused, and then closed her mouth like she was unsure what to say. I ran into the classroom and shut the door before her barbarian stone brain thought up a good insult involving glitter.

When I walked into the club room I was definitely surprised. I had not been expecting the stake surrounded by a large circular pile of wood. It looked very... historically accurate?

I stopped in front of the pyre and looked up at it. And up at it... It was quite large.

How had my life reached the point where burning a twelve year old boy at the stake was just another Saturday?

As usual, Hermione was the first time arrive. She walked up to me and kept stealing glances at me clearly dying to ask me why I was covered in the glitter of shame.

I sighed again. I really feel my age today. "Just spit it out."

"Were you caught snogging?" Hermione asked hesitantly.

"Really? You too?"

Hermione shifted her weight from foot to foot. "Sorry but it looks like..."

"I got caught in a prank." I took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes.

I bet the happiest day in Molly Weasley's life was when she sent Fred and George away to Hogwarts.

Hermione giggled nervously. "Oh. That makes sense. Uh, not that you couldn't get a boyfriend, but we're much too young."

I put my glasses back on. "It wears off in a day supposedly."

We stood silently for a moment gazing up at the pyre. In the past, Muggles had used very similar setups in their attempts to burn witches alive. Most of the time they had been burning other Muggles. Although, they did manage to get a few magical people. Unlike in my world, where they'd all been Muggles.

Then again, were they? I had been a Muggle back in my original world. I wouldn't have known if there had been any real magic...

"Did you know that Wendelin the Weird let herself be caught forty-seven times so she could be burned at the stake?" Hermione asked, ever ready to spit out some trivia.

"Huh. Wizarding society can be really strange sometimes." I can't say I understood the appeal of being fake burned alive. Maybe she just liked the drama.

We fell silent for a few moments. Eloise, Hannah, and Kevin walked into the club room.

"I came up with a new club name." Hermione turned towards me.

I tore my gaze away from the giant pile of people burning sticks. "Like what?"

"How about, Sorcery Practice for Enthusiastic Workers?"

That sounds okay... WAIT.

"No!" I yelled back, startling Hermione.

Oops. I hadn't meant to yell. But seriously. HELL NO.

Hermione looked miffed. "Why not? It's a very memorable acronym."

Hermione should never be allowed to name anything ever again including her own children (who names their kid Hugo?).

Hannah walked behind us and made fake retching sounds as she walked by.

"It was memorable!" Hermione sighed. "Fine. How about we keep the Spell Club name, but it stands for Sorcery Practice for Enthusiastic Laborious Learners?"

I laughed. "You really love your acronyms don't you?"

"At least it's not a synonym for vomit!" Hannah called out from the back of the room. Kevin laughed.

Further acronym discussion was cut short as the door to the club room was kicked open and Oliver strode in. He was carrying one end of a large stuffed dummy while Anthony was holding the dummy's legs. Neville followed closely behind them with a cardboard crown covered in gold glitter. The dummy had a name tag stitched to its chest that said, "Mr. Lich".

"You guys ready for some fire?!" Oliver asked, suddenly dumping his half of the dummy in front of the pyre. Anthony barely let go of his half before it dragged him down.

"Yeah!" several kids chorused behind me.

Oliver looked my way and then did a double take. "Wow! Who have you been snogging? Only upper years usually get the glitter of shame!"

Neville turned toward me. "What?! You have a boyfriend?"

"Who is it?" Kevin asked.

I wish we were setting Fred and George on fire today.

"I don't have a boyfriend. I got caught in a prank."

Neville visibly relaxed. "Was it Fred and George? They got a few people in our House including their brother Percy. I thought Percy was going to strangle them."

I shrugged. "Yeah..."

"Percy's glitter even glows in the dark. He looked like a giant firefly. His roommates made him sleep on the common room couch last night since he was so bright they couldn't sleep," Neville relayed.

"How do you know Fred and George?" Hermione asked curiously.

Eh, better steer the conversation away from that topic. That's the first thread in an unraveling sweater of lies. In the end though, I didn't have to change the topic, because something strange and unexpected happened next.

Daphne Greengrass strode into the club room.

She sat her bag down next to the wall and without hesitation walked over to the group. She stopped in front of the wood pyre, cocked her head to the side, and muttered a soft, "Huh."

"Daphne?! What are you doing here?" I asked.

Daphne turned towards me and said, "I am here for the club."

"I didn't tell you about the club..." I trailed off. And I didn't invite her.

"And yet, I have come."

This is what I wanted? I guess?

"Do you want to join?" I asked hesitantly.

Daphne shrugged. "Not really."

I took a deep, calming breath. "Then why are you here?"

"I was told I was not allowed to come. So I am here."

Oooohkay.

Oliver bounded over to Daphne and got right up into her personal space. "Hi! You're that pretty blonde girl that sits next to me in Herbology class right?! Are you going to join the club? It's really fun! I'm Club Leader today! We're going to set me on fire!"

Shockingly, Daphne didn't send a curse at Oliver's face. Instead she turned toward him and said, "I too enjoy fire."

Oliver grabbed Daphne's hand. "Come on, I'll show you the fire starting and extinguishing spell so you're caught up! You'll love Spell Club! It's lots of fun!"

I watched in shock as Oliver dragged Daphne over to a corner. Literally dragged. I think I saw her feet go slack a few times. Oliver's self preservation instinct must not be working correctly... or he might not have been born with one.

Neville and Anthony tied the "Lich King" to the wooden pyre with some thick rope as Oliver blasted Daphne with his unique brand of oblivious enthusiasm. After a few minutes, both groups were done and Oliver and Daphne walked back over to us.

"The flame freezing spell incantation is Flamma Glacies. It goes like this!" Oliver held is wand over his head and drew a large circle. It was very dramatic looking.

Everyone copied Oliver easily. It made me feel like a cowboy about to lasso cattle.

"It's a pretty easy spell so I probably won't burn to death!" Oliver laughed. "We can practice on Mr. Lich before we try on me. I poured a potion on the wood before everyone got here that's supposed to make it burn without smoke so we won't all die from smoke inhalation either!"

Oliver laughed again like dying from smoke inhalation would be such a riot. Neville walked up to Mr. Lich and put the gold paper crown onto the dummy's head.

Hermione raised her hand. "What's a Lich?"

"Only the vilest undead wizard there ever was. I'm surprised you haven't heard of him," Oliver replied with a straight face. Hermione looked chastised. I bet she's going to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to look it up in the library to no avail.

Anthony rolled his eyes behind Oliver.

"We'll take turns casting the spell on Mr. Lich. If Mr. Lich starts to burn, I'll snuff out the fire really quick. He's rather thick so I believe he can burn a few times," Oliver stated and cast the charm on the dummy.

When Anthony ignited him, he didn't burn.

I guess Oliver really did practice.

We took turns casting the charm, canceling the charm, and setting Mr. Lich on fire. It never burned once. The charm was surprisingly easy to cast. After everyone had taken a turn, it was time to untie the dummy and try it on real person.

I'm feeling a little queasy in all honesty. I really don't want to see a kid get hurt today. But knowing this spell and being able to cast it proficiently could save one of these kid's lives someday.

Also, it's kind of badass.

Oliver stepped forward and we took turns casting the spell on him. Our spells wouldn't override each other, and if one of us failed then the others surely would be successful. I went last and took special care to enunciate every syllable perfectly.

Without hesitation, Oliver stepped into the fire.

And screamed.

Everyone raised their arms to cast a spell to douse the flames.

"I'm joking! It's fine really!" Oliver called out from inside of the flames. The little bastard wasn't hurt at all.

"You tosser!" Neville of all people called out.

Oliver got a few more insults and glares thrown his way. Anthony spouted off a few impressive four letter combinations.

"I'm sorry! I couldn't resist." Oliver turned around in a circle looking at himself. "This is brilliant! I'm like a fire elemental!" He moved his hand back and forth in and out of the flames. "It doesn't hurt at all! It's not even that hot."

Oliver marveled at himself for several minutes while the rest of us walked around investigating him from all angles. I couldn't see anything on him burning, not his body, hair, or clothes. The fire obscured his features in a haze of heat. He really did look like a fire elemental.

"I want to try," I stated evenly with a confidence I wasn't feeling.

I stepped in front of the flames. Oliver jumped down from the pyre. He was completely unscathed. Everyone took turns casting the spell on me. I cast the spell on myself too just to be sure.

After everyone was done, I looked up at the towering wall of flames and hesitated. I didn't feel any different. What if it doesn't work?

No... I want to be brave.

I stepped into the fire.

The heat was still there but it was... different. Bearable. The flames felt like warm strands of silk gliding across my skin. I held my arms in front of me and saw the firelight dance across the glitter still coating my skin. It was like my arms were made of red starlight. I spun in a circle feeling the fire gently part and yield to my body. It made me feel… strong. Powerful.

I get it. I could see it now; Wendelin, the medieval witch staring in bemusement as a crowd of people who wanted her dead; wanted to destroy everything about her and the people she cared about. And their best efforts were like gentle caresses. Harmless. Futile. Nothing so little as fire could harm her. The forces of nature bent to her will.

Witches don't get burned. They dance in the fire.

Wendelin the weird wasn't that weird after all.

I spun around one more time and laughed with joy.

* * *

Later that night, I rubbed my tired eyes and sat my Enchantment book down. It was well past midnight and my roommates were fast asleep. I had cast a charm to ensure the light from my wand wouldn't penetrate my bed curtains. I liked staying up late on Saturday to read. Everything was so peaceful this time of night. I don't think I'd be able to get much sleep right now anyways.

"Nox," I whispered and the light of my wand went out. I opened my bed curtains and sat my book on my nightstand. The fake moonlight glowing from our magical bedroom window gave me just enough light to see the Valentine card still sitting on my nightstand.

I picked it up and looked at it again. Some kid had put a lot of work into it. The geometric pattern drawn into the heart was very detailed. Whoever they were, they were a budding artist.

I sighed.

What do I do with this? I'm tempted to just shove it into my school trunk and forget about it, but that seems wrong somehow. I feel like I need to give a definite answer… even if only in a symbolic way.

I stood up from my bed and padded barefoot out of the room, down the hall, and into the common room. The common room was empty. Even the seventh years had given up their desperate studying for their N.E.W.T.S and went to sleep. I walked softly over to the couch in front of the fireplace and sank down into the plush cushions.

Thankfully, the glitter had all been cleared away from the couch. My shower tonight washed off all of the gold from my body as well. No trace of it remained.

This no dating thing… It's going to get weird isn't it? I'm going to be the weird girl that spurns every boy that likes her. And I won't have very good excuses either. There was bound to be some boy that likes me during my school years. I was going to have to hurt some kid's feelings. Probably someone else other than the kid who sent this card…

I don't think I could date a guy younger than twenty. Even a twenty year old feels rather young. Unless Harry's generation weren't typical, the wizarding world seemed to pair up really young in the books. Maybe I'd have to move to America and start anew to escape my 'hoary heart' reputation…

I suppose it could be all for the best. I need time for my heart to heal. My asshole ex doesn't deserve a decade of mourning though.

Wow, I guess I'm not going to go on a date for at least a decade.

I realized with a start that the thought of my ex didn't hurt the same way anymore. The memory didn't feel good of course but… What did it matter if I wasn't good enough for one man when I could turn a writing desk into a raven? Brew a potion that cured the common cold? Or walk through literal fire and come out unscathed?

I tossed the Valentine's Card into the fireplace. The card quickly caught fire and collapsed into ash.

Alone in the common room, I muttered a soft, "Sorry. You're a little too young for me."

The kid couldn't hear it, but it made me feel a little better.

I could wait a decade.


	18. Pancakes, Pimples, and Porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Who do you think sent Kasey the Valentine? Please, read and review.

The Room of Requirement had a lot of porn.

I don't know why I hadn't expected it to. It was probably the number one thing a school full of teenagers would want to hide away. The pile I had collected was nearly as tall as I was at this point. And it also covered a disturbingly large time period. There were naked ladies from the sixties, twenties, Victorian Age... I think I saw some Elizabethan era dirty books in there and now I really wish I could obliviate myself.

I moved another pile of old textbooks out of the way and came across a copy of Wicked Witch Weekly with Gilderoy Lockhart on the front, bare-assed, laying on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace. He had curly eighties hair... all over.

I threw it into the pile.

The wizarding world was equal opportunity in its dirty mags. That's good to know I guess?

The other big category in the room was broken furniture. At first, I thought this was odd since magic can easily repair broken items. Then I noticed that the furniture wasn't broken so much as missing parts. Chair legs and desktops didn't look broken; they were not there at all. My best guess is that these were the result of decades of banishment accidents. You can't repair something if you don't have all the parts. Still, why not banish the entire desk or chair? Maybe elves were secretly hoarders who thought they'd get around to fixing the furniture?

I had tried getting the Room of Requirement to sort things for me, but its ability to discriminate was limited. It could give me just the books or just the furniture, but it couldn't discriminate very well between the types of books. It could tell if books were enchanted, but not if they were harmful enchantments. There's a big difference between being enchanted to move the pages on its own to being rigged to make your brain liquefy and melt out of your ears.

That's actually a thing. The advanced curse breaking book had pictures (and I had nightmares).

For now, I was enjoying seeing everything even the furniture. What if I missed the legendary footstool of Gryffindor? Although, considering the time period it was probably more like the magical chamber pot of Gryffindor and I'd be okay with missing that.

The room could return itself to the 'last way you left it' so my sorting would stay. I could be more systematic later about my uh… looting? Yeah it probably counts as looting.

I cast the magic detection charm on a wooden mask lying on a broken dresser and it lit up like a Christmas tree. Holy cow. If I had a scale from 1-10 that would rate as 10 "magical as fuck". The carved smiling face looked demonic while it was glowing with the power of the spell. Not going to bother that any time soon. It might not even be dark magic, but at my current level the best I can do for most items is just know if its enchanted or not.

I cast the charm on another leather bound diary and it came up clean. I picked it up and flipped through it. Hmm, another hand written diary by some random person I didn't know. At least it wasn't porn in disguise again.

I put it into my book sack.

I'd ordered another extendable bag just to keep books in and it was turning out to be an excellent investment. Most of the diaries were probably just teenaged bullshit from the last century, but on the off chance any could be important someday I'd been keeping all of them.

Now that I think about it… maybe I'm the hoarder…

I went through another dozen books before a book in a tall pile lit up bright red. I crouched on my knees to read the title, careful to stay as far away as possible from the book. The black cover was worn and tattered. In silver letters the title read, _The Price of Blood_.

Aww man. That sounds awesome. I'm going to have to come back to that one later.

I sighed and went to retrieve my six foot lead pole from where it was laying against the wall. According to curse breaking books I had read, a lead pole was the most unmagical item in existence. Its nickname in the curse breaking world was literally "a curse breakers best friend". The lead acted as a magical barrier of sorts between the enchanted item and the person.

Basically, you used it to poke stuff. Or to play dangerous enchanted book Jinga. Or hit monsters with it. The curse breaking book had some disturbing pictures of that too (and a sidebar about getting out blood stains!).

I slowly used the pole to push the regular books and the cursed book off the top of the stack and onto the floor with a soft thud.

The 'poke it' method worked... most of the time. Unless the act of poking set off an alarm. Or caused the book to start screaming. Or catch on fire. Or explode. Or transform into a Mariachi doll that began to sing and dance the tango with a nearby busted lamp.

That had been odd.

I walked over and shoved the rest of the book stack into my book bag being careful to avoid touching the cursed one. I then used the lead pole to prod the cursed book into my smaller pile of enchanted books next to a nearby wall.

Or as I like to call it "my pile of forbidden awesome stuff".

Huh, shuffling books around like this makes me feel like I'm playing a demented game of curling.

Behind the book stack was an old sagging shelf. The shelf held mostly hats. Ugly old fashioned feather hats with sad saggy feathers. The shelf also held a banjo in pristine condition. Why the heck did someone want to hide a banjo?

I systematically went about casting the detection charm on everything on the shelf. The hats turned out to be regular hideous hats but the banjo... the banjo was magical. And not just magical, VERY Magical. Thirteen different runes floated in the air above the banjo and there was even several odd characters between the runes I couldn't even guess at. Who the hell brought a banjo to Hogwarts? And who the hell thought making a super magical banjo was a good idea?

Oooh, what if it was a super EVIL banjo?

What would it do? Make your fingers fall off? Make everyone start line dancing till they died? I don't need a banjo (let alone a super evil one), but I really really want to know what it does.

I sighed and kept moving.

Later, possibly evil banjo. I will eventually unravel your mysteries.

I walked around a tower of broken beds that were seemingly super glued together. In the shadow of the broken bed tower I found a large wooden chest. A quick flick of my wand revealed it to be not enchanted. The chest was locked with a heavy iron lock.

I shrugged. It probably wouldn't work, but...

I pointed my wand at the lock. "Alohomora."

The lock broke open with a loud CLICK and fell to the floor.

I sat my bag down, put both hands onto the heavy wooden lid, and lifted it slowly.

The chest was full of glittering jewels. There were sapphires, rubies, diamonds, and emeralds as big as my fist. The jewels glittered even in the low ambient light.

I cast the detection charm on the jewels but they were clean as well.

That's... a lot of money. Impractical money too. I don't know how one would go about cashing this out. It was probably illegal to release these to the Muggle world. Could these all be transfigured jewels anyway? Can wizards do that?

Oh fuck it. It's a Goddamned pile of jewels! I want it!

I went back and retrieved my school book bag. Inside, I kept a money bag. There was no reason to mix the jewels into the book bag. Damn, I'm going to start labeling these things. I'm getting a lot of bags.

I closed the lid and put the lock back on to keep the lid shut. The opening on my bag stretched to accommodate the size of the chest. It was far too heavy to push with my skinny kid arms so I sat down on the floor, braced my back against a stone pillar, and pushed with my legs as hard as I could. My muscles strained.

Get… in… the… bag…!

Slowly, inch by inch, the chest went into my money bag. With one final kick, the chest tumbled into the dark recessives of my bag.

I collapsed on the floor for a moment, breathing heavily.

I'm going to be sore tomorrow, but I've got a giant chest of treasure! Fuck yeah! I'll find out some way to use it. Diamond armor? Potion component? Decoration in my future secret wizard lair? Ooohh... I should have a secret magic lair someday.

I picked up my bags and starting looking around some more. I strolled by a creepy stuffed troll (was it a real troll skin?) a painted play backdrop of a forest, a broken wand laying on a bright pink crooked table, and found another six foot tall stack of books.

After checking the entire stack and finding that none of them were enchanted I started shoveling them into my bag again. I got to the bottom of the stack and paused as the title of the last book registered in my brain.

 _A Beginner's Guide to Legilimency_.

I hesitated putting it into the bag with the rest of the books.

It wouldn't hurt if I read the book would it? And the Occlumency book said that Legilimency goes hand in hand. They're two sides of the same skill. As long as I don't go willy nilly using it on people it wouldn't be unethical… You have to be able to cast Legilimence wandlessly and silently to do anything truly unethical anyway. Although, Ollivander had said my Alder wand was good for silent casting.

It's really how I use it then, right? I might not be any good at it anyways…

I put the book into my regular school bag so I could read it later at night. I'll put a book cover on it. No one will know what I'm reading.

I continued my search of the room. As I continued to search, a feeling of unease settled into the pit of my stomach.

* * *

The school year was more than half over, so I feel like its time to start prepping for my long unmagical summer. I may not be able to use my wand, but I'd be able to use any potions I had brewed ahead of time. The main potion I thought I'd need was an aging potion. If I looked like an adult, I could travel around without suspicion. I wouldn't try using it in the magical world, though. That's just asking for trouble. But it would be a Godsend in the Muggle world. I could rent a motel room or camp out in the guise of a twenty year old taking a gap year touring Europe.

Books on aging potions were pretty easy to find. I thought they'd be in the restricted section, but the two volumes I found were in the regular stacks. After skimming the volumes it became evident why they were available to everyone. They were very limited.

They could only make you older not younger, and the maximum length they could last was only about four hours. Your age was determined by how much you drank and the duration depended on the ingredients. Older ingredients resulted in a potion that lasted longer. Which was weird, but it made sense in a poetic sort of way.

My plan could still work, but I was going to need a LOT of aging potions. I would also have to experiment to get the right dosage. I'd have to be consistently the same age. People would notice if I checked into the hotel room in my thirties and came out in my twenties…

I got up from the library table and sat one of the books on the book cart so it could be reshelved later. I'd already checked out the first book. After skimming, I realized the books were almost identical and I didn't need both.

I walked down several aisles and turned a corner around the Magical History section. Suddenly, someone yanked me back behind a book case. A hand covered my mouth and stifled my started shout. I nearly elbowed the perpetrator in the stomach until I noticed it was Hermione. She held a finger across her lips and then pointed down at the end of the stacks towards Madam Pince's desk.

Harry and Ron walked into view. The two crouched as they went by Pince's empty circular desk. Harry looked around the corner of the desk, and then silently gave Ron the thumbs up.

Unbeknownst to them, Madam Pince was approaching them from the rear. She stopped behind them and cleared her throat.

"What on earth are both of you doing?" Madam Pince asked loudly.

Harry and Ron jumped in fright. They then glanced between Madam Pince and each other in obvious panic.

"Well? Have you both gone mute?" Madam Pince bellowed in her shreaky harpy voice.

Ron shook his head.

"We're not doing…" Harry trailed off and looked to be fighting with himself. He started to visibly shake and Ron ran over and clamped a hand over his mouth. Harry said something that was muffled into Ron's hand.

"Out with it! Or you'll both be in detention!" Madam Pince advanced and then loomed over them.

I glanced at Hermione. Her grin in the dim light was decidedly malevolent.

"We're fucking fine!" Ron called out and then slapped a hand over his mouth.

Harry groaned and hid his face in his hands.

"EXCUSE ME?!" Madam Pince screeched. Students were starting to look up and stare.

"We can't Goddamned bloody help it! We've been fucking cursed to say shitty curses! I meant shit! I mean… argh! I'm sorry Madam Cunt!" Harry blurted out and then looked horrified.

WHOA. Did he really just say…?

Madam Pince went pale and then her face turned blood red. "How dare you?! Never in my life have I heard such foul language from a student!"

"We can't help it Madam Bint… I mean Madam Pince!" Ron cried out desperately.

"We've been fucking cursed! We can't help saying curse words arsehole!" Harry's shoulders slumped. I guess that was supposed to come out a lot differently.

"It's that bitch Hermione! She said she'd fucking get us back! I just fucking know it, Madam Bitch!"

"Madam… what?" Madam Pince asked with a dangerous edge to her voice. A vein on her left eye was throbbing.

"Just stop talking you berk," Harry muttered resignedly.

Madam Pince grabbed Harry and Ron by their ears. "I'm taking you to Professor McGonagall! We'll make you eat soap if we have to!"

Madam Pince dragged Harry and Ron away by their ears. After the library doors shut, everyone in the room immediately started to whisper to each other.

I turned in shock towards Hermione. She looked like all of her birthdays had come at once.

"Was that really you?" I asked incredulously.

Note to self, never ever cross Hermione Granger.

"The effects of the Cursing Curse are quite interesting aren't they?" Hermione's evil smile was still plastered on her face. "Ron and Harry were… commenting that I sounded stuck up. I thought they might need a lesson on vocabulary."

"I think they got the lesson," I replied deadpanned.

And so did Madam Pince and everyone else in the library… And McGonagall in a few minutes. Oh man, to be a fly on the wall in her office right now…

"It'll wear off before the end of the day. I wonder if they'll try to go to Potions class this afternoon? Want to walk with me to lunch?"

"Sure." I followed not even able to fathom them going to potions class with that curse still active. Snape would be… upset.

Hermione looked like the cat who ate the canary all the way to the Great Hall.

* * *

The Valentine's Day decorations were taken down and February limped its way along. Neville's Spell Club meeting was a success. Peruvian jumping beans were aptly named. The beans were each as large as a soccer ball and we spent half the time bouncing them off the club room walls and the other half playing a game with them that felt a bit like a mix between dodge ball and tennis.

I learned a lot in the club meeting Kevin ran. Being able to cast a spell that tells you what ingredients are in a potion will be super useful. Kevin was a really patient teacher, too. Hell, Neville had been so appreciative of the potion spell it had been downright embarrassing to watch. It's too bad Kevin's destined to take over his dad's store. He could have grown up to be a great potion's teacher.

I was surprised to see Daphne keep coming back. She had not declared if she was joining or not. She'd simply show up and then either gravitated towards partnering with Oliver or me. Oliver seemed to take her monotone attitude in stride, never faltering in his 1000% enthusiasm for life. I guess I didn't mind if Daphne wanted to partner with me, but she seemed to scare my roommates.

I was currently on my way to Hermione's Spell Club meeting. She'd said dress warmly, so I brought my thick cloak and gloves. I was also running a little late. The Room of Requirement was really distracting.

I walked by Stokkia (she was screeching something about me only having only one crippled mule?) and into the club room.

Hermione had transformed the room into a winter wonderland.

She'd done something to the ceiling to make it look like a cloudy winter's day. It wasn't as convincing as the one in the Great Hall, but it looked like a very realistic painting. It reminded me of the backdrops you'd see in old Technicolor movies.

Snow was gently falling from the ceiling and had already blanketed the room in soft powdery snow. The light from the windows hit the snow and made the whole room glisten. It was a dazzlingly effect. I had to blink a few times to clear spots from my eyes.

I jumped back as I saw something moving beneath the snow. The mound glided across the room and then a shark's fin made of snow emerged from the ground. It glided along above the surface for a few moments and then sank back into the snow (or became snow again?).

"Excuse me. I was just practicing." Hermione twirled her wand ending the spell.

"Hermione, this is amazing!" I spun around and looked up into the soft falling snow. The painted clouds were moving ever so slowly across the ceiling.

Hermione blushed. "I couldn't quite get the ceiling to look like the one in the Great Hall."

"It's beautiful in here. You can't hold yourself to the same standards as an adult grown wizard, let alone the founders of the school. You did a wonderful job. You should be proud."

I looked around the room. I was the last member to arrive. Everyone had already started on their snowmen. Most of the kids were making your standard snowman, although Oliver's had boobs for some reason. Daphne and Kevin were working together to make a very realistic looking turtle.

I walked over to Kevin and Daphne to get a closer look.

Their snow turtle looked life sized. They'd already gotten the basic form down and Kevin was currently carving out the shell with a pointed stone. Daphne was padding out the legs, but it looked like Kevin had done the impressive bits.

"Wow Kevin, you're really talented. It was nice of you to help Daphne with her turtle."

Kevin stopped carving and rubbed the back of his neck. "Um…"

Daphne glanced up at me. "I asked him to and he was afraid to say no."

Kevin's face turned blood red. "I don't mind helping! I already finished mine." Kevin pointed to his snowman. It had an eyepatch and a pirate hat.

Daphne shrugged. Her face was her usual blank mask. "Need more snow." Daphne walked away and started rolling another ball of snow.

Kevin's face was still very tomato-like. "I really don't mind helping. I like art. She's not as scary once you start talking to her." Kevin finished the shell and started carving the turtle's face. "I wonder if I should freeze him so he stands up to battle more?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Battle?"

Kevin pointed his thumb toward Oliver. Oliver's big breasted snow lady's assets were reaching epic proportions. He was also sharpening them to a point for some reason. "Oliver has declared war on us, apparently."

Oliver paused in fondling his snow lady and gave us the thumbs up. "Her boobs are weapons!"

"Gross." Hannah stated eyeing Oliver's well endowed snow lady with disgust.

Hermione nodded in solidarity.

I stepped a few feet away and started on my own snowman. Anything other than the standard snowman would have been beyond my capabilities using just my hands, but Transfiguration lets you cheat. A lot. After I was done, I was pretty proud of my snow tentacle monster even if he was more like a snow blob with wiggly bits.

Hermione walked around and taught each of us the Locomotor spell. Snowmen (and a snow woman) began to lumber about the room. Daphne's turtle shuffled about, too. Kevin had charmed it to make this cute little coo sound that Daphne assured us was "authentic to the subspecies of Greengrass turtle".

"Locomotor!" I called out picturing my snow tentacle monster rising from the depths like Cthulhu from the endless sea of time.

My monster rose… and then just sort of flopped over.

Not… what I was going for.

I mentally urged my monster forward. It awkwardly flung itself to the side and then flopped over bonelessly.

"Oio, Miss Late To Her Own Club Meeting!" Oliver called from across the room. "Are you done yet?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm ready. Uh, what are the rules?" I asked.

Hermione shrugged. "Have fun?"

Anthony snorted. "There's no "fun" in war."

"Prepare to be brought down Anthony!" Oliver cackled.

"Anthony won't be your only opponent," Neville added strangely solemn.

"Don't look down on turtles!" Kevin piped up. Kevin held his hand up for a high five. Daphne just stared at the hand until Kevin awkwardly put it down.

I think the boys might be getting a little too into this.

"The snow harlot must be destroyed," Daphne stated deadpanned. I think her eyes are narrowing slightly, but I could be mistaken.

"Do we have to call her a harlot? Can't she just be the snow lady with back problems? Besides, she's had a tragic life. Everyone she's ever tried to hug has died a horrible death." I joked.

Hermione cleared her throat to get our attention and then held up her hand like she was starting a Nascar race. "Ready… set… go!"

Pandemonium ensued.

Hannah's snowman went for Snow Harlot immediately. The two collided and Snow Harlot's pointy icy breasts stabbed through Hannah's snowman's head. Hannah screamed and made frantic motions with her hand trying to separate her snowman. Her struggles were for naught though. The two snow people were now attached though like some terrible snow centipede.

Hannah jumped out of the way as the creature came careening at her.

Oliver made his snowman swing around and used Hannah's snowman as a weapon, battering Eloise's snowman away as she tried to sneak up behind him.

Kevin's pirate snowman ripped his other arm out of its socket and brandished it as a sword. Eloise's snowman followed suit and the two began to sloppily sword fight.

Next to them, Anthony's snowman lunged towards Snow Turtle, only for the creature to suddenly launch itself like a rocket at the base of Anthony's snowman. The bottom half of Anthony's snowman exploded into a cloud of white powder. Snow Turtle seemed to run out of steam and started to slowly waddle towards Snow Harlot all the while making adorable cooing sounds as it walked.

My Snow Tentacle Monster reached Snow Turtle… And I hesitated.

It's just… too… cute! I can't do it!

I changed course and Tentacle Monster slithered onto Neville's Snowman's back. It climbed up and latched itself to the snowman's face. Neville's Snowman's stick arms frantically scrambled to rip the monster from its face.

I willed the Tentacle Monster to rip the snowman's head off. The Snowman tried to slap Tentacle Monster off, over compensated, and sent both snow creatures to the ground. The snow creatures crumbled into fine powder.

Sorry Neville. Game over, man.

Eloise and Kevin's snowmen were now covered in holes and with one final wobble the two crumpled into a pile of snow.

Snow Turtle reached Snow Harlot and started head-butting the base, taking chunks off until suddenly it got… stuck.

The Snow Centipede had grow again.

Oliver, Hannah, and Daphne flicked their wands back and forth, but the Snowman Centipede would not be separated. Would it be a three way tie for the Snowman Death Battle title? Wait… where was Hermione's?

The ground beneath my foot rumbled. I looked down and saw a lump of snow getting larger… and larger…

With a loud WHOOSH a snow shark burst from the ground. I saw a mouth of gaping ice teeth as it flew over top of me. The immense creature took up half of the room and was headed straight toward Snow Centipede.

Snow shark swallowed its prey in one gulp and then disappeared into the snow ocean.

I gaped.

Everyone gaped.

The room was dead silent.

Hermione cleared her throat. "Was that… too much? I uh—"

Someone hit her in the face with a snowball.

And the second round of Snow War was on.

* * *

My sneakers squished and squeaked as I walked out of the club room with Hermione. My clothes were damp and my hair was all tangled. My fingers had went numb from the cold. Hermione's wild hair was even wilder with damp bits sticking up at random angles. I'd stayed behind and helped Hermione clean up. The snow had taken a couple hours to melt and dry.

My squeaky sneakers were super loud as I trudged down the corridors. "That was the best Spell Club meeting yet, Hermione."

Hermione smiled shyly. "You don't think it was a bit childish?"

"Oh it was and that's why it was wonderful."

Hermione frowned at me. I paused and thought about how I could best elaborate.

"It's like… we're only kids for such a short amount of time. Before we know it we'll be adults—" I barely caught myself from saying the word 'again'. "And then our lives will be worries, responsibilities, mortgages, and people who depend on us." And maybe war and darkness and death... "Why shouldn't we take this time to be silly and immature? It'll be gone in the blink of an eye."

It really will be gone just like that. I know from experience. And if the war happens, it'll be gone even faster.

"Ironically, that was a very mature thing to say."

"What can I say?" I smiled softly. "I'm an adult in a child's body."

Hermione laughed and I laughed with her. If my laugh was a tad bit forced, she didn't seem to notice.

* * *

It was on the third day of March on an unassuming Tuesday when I was gifted with a miracle during dinner.

I stared in astonishment at my plate, half sure I was seeing a mirage. I blinked, and yet the miracle was still there laying before me. In fact, they lay before everyone in the Great Hall. I took a deep calming breath so that I wouldn't burst into tears of joy in front of everyone.

"Oh good God, just eat your pancakes already." Susan rolled her eyes at me.

"But… we're having pancakes… for dinner. We've haven't had pancakes all year at all and now we're having them FOR DINNER." I turned toward Susan, trying to implore her to understand the gravity of this situation. Was everyone else under a spell so that they couldn't understand the miracle before them?

Susan ate another bite of pancake, nonplussed. "It's Shrove Tuesday."

I tore my gaze away from the beautiful golden stack of fluffy miracles that lay before me. "Is that a wizarding holiday?"

Eloise giggled. "No! Don't you have Shrove Tuesday in America?

I shook my head. "I don't think so? What does shrove mean and why does it involve pancakes?"

"I think it's technically a religious holiday. Something to do with lent?" Eloise replied hesitatingly.

I covered my pancakes with syrup, cut off a piece, and took a large bite. It was like heaven in my mouth. I sighed contentedly.

Susan wrinkled her nose at me. "Stop making gross sounds."

Hannah shrugged. "I just know that mum always makes pancakes on Shrove Tuesday."

"That's why it's also called Pancake Day!" Eloise piped up cheerfully and poured some maple syrup on her pancake.

I stared gobsmacked. "You have a holiday dedicated to pancakes?!"

How am I just now finding this out? I'm probably a little too excited about this but…

I took another bite and let out a loud, "Mmmm."

They're just so goooood.

Susan scooted a few inches away from me. "Are you drooling?"

Maybe. Whatever, that's what napkins are for you Pancake Grinch.

"I thought Hogwarts elves didn't even know how to make pancakes. We haven't had them for breakfast all year." I took another bite. The communal plate in front of us filled with more pancakes. A second later, two pitchers of strawberry syrup appeared in front of us like mana from heaven.

Honestly, I had been thinking of gifting the Hogwarts elves a cook book. I hadn't seen pizza or hamburgers all year either. Maybe I could make them in my dorm? I do know lots of fire extinguishing spells now…

"It's strange you don't have Pancake Day in America." Eloise put some strawberry syrup on her pancakes.

"In America, every day is Pancake Day," I stated and swallowed another large bite. "As God intended."

Eloise giggled.

Oh, some blueberry jam just appeared!

I spent the next few moments stuffing my face before I continued, "So you're telling me Britain knows how to make pancakes but only does so on special occasions? That's crazy."

Hannah poked me in the side. "You're going to get fat with that attitude."

My robes were getting a little tight… No! I'm physically twelve and I will not be pancake shamed. My metabolism will never be as good as this again! I'm going to eat as many pancakes as I want!

I stuffed a delicious blueberry covered pancake chunk into my mouth. "I won't hear any pancake negativity on this holy day."

I ate another mouthful. Mmm, so good! Oh pancakes, how have I missed you! Mmmm…

Susan slammed her glass of milk down onto the table. "Stop making gross sounds!"

"I will not be Pancake Day scrooged!" I yelled back around a mouthful of pancakes. I continued to stuff my face until my sugar levels reached critical mass.

Pancake Day was the best holiday ever.

* * *

I love cozying up in bed with a good book on Sunday. Just me, a nice warm bed, and knowledge!

Susan was off at Quidditch practice, Eloise was sitting in front of Hannah's vanity table (I have no idea how Hannah had managed to get her vanity table here) and Hannah was… I'm not sure what Hannah was up to, but she wasn't here. Maybe obtaining more solid oak beauty related furniture. Who knows?

I was careful to only read the Legilimency book in my bed with the curtains drawn. I don't know if studying Legilimency is against the rules. But just in case, I was keeping my studying secret. I even put a fake book cover on the front. According to the book, Legilimency works better if no one knows you know it. You can never be too paranoid, after all.

I sat the book down and rubbed my eyes. The book was dense. Although, a lot of the Occlumency book was making more sense retroactively after having read this book. It's really the same skill. Separating it into two books just made everything more confusing.

I love cozying up with a good book, but my head is getting mushy. I've got stupid period cramps too. I think I'll take a break and move around a bit.

I swung my legs over the side of my bed and carried the book over to my trunk. I opened the trunk lid and put the Legilimency book into one of my bags. I then shut the trunk and locked it for good measure. Afterwards, I sat and watched Hannah's Charmed4U poster for a bit. Kyle (the "sporty" one) who didn't have a shirt on again for some reason, was doing push ups. Occasionally, he'd hover in mid-air between push ups, blow a kiss our way, and then start doing push-ups again.

Next to the vanity table, Eloise sighed.

I walked over. "What's wrong?"

"This looks terrible," Eloise stared at her reflection, teary eyed.

She wasn't wrong. She'd caked foundation on her face so thickly it looked like pancake batter. The lumpiness of her face was still very visible, too.

Eloise turned towards me. "It looks terrible doesn't it?"

"Eh…" I didn't want to hurt her feelings but I don't want to lie to her either. "It doesn't look good. I'm sorry."

Eloise slumped down, laying her head on the table. "Is it something I'm doing wrong? Pansy and Priscilla said I was dirty and didn't wash my face enough, but I do! I even started washing my face before lunch and it didn't make any difference!"

I sat down on the bench next to her.

"Pansy and Priscilla are just mean bitches. It's safe to disregard anything they say." I patted her shoulder. "I think a lot of it is genetics."

Eloise smiled softly. "My mom didn't have any acne. She was beautiful."

Was and not is?

I looked at the picture on her nightstand. No mom was in that picture. That makes a lot of sense actually. She hadn't been prepared at all when she started her period last month. Her dad seems nice, but there's some things you just need a female relative to help you out with. Luckily, I showed up to Hogwarts with enough sanitary supplies to fully stock an army (constant vigilance!).

"Did you try the anti boil potion?"

Eloise nodded. "It helped a little on some of the spots, but my face is terrible. I have all the kinds of acne you can have."

Hmm, so potions can affect it. Maybe we just need to find the right combination of potions? It's time we consulted an expert.

"Let's go ask Madam Pomfrey. There's bound to be a spell or potion we don't know about that will help."

Eloise cringed. "I can't! That'd too embarrassing! What if there was a boy in there?"

I bumped her lightly with my shoulder. "It's the other girls you have to worry about. Anyways, don't sweat it. I'll do all the talking."

* * *

We made our way to the Infirmary on the first floor. I'd never been to the Infirmary before (although I probably should have went after the spider incident). It was a remarkably bland room. There were several cots with privacy screens, small tables next to the beds, an office to the side, and a row of tall supply cabinets in the back. It was probably the most Muggle-ish room in the castle.

When we arrived, Pomfrey had only one patient. Draco Malfoy lay on one of the hospital beds clutching his side while moaning in pain.

"Potter and Weasley have broken my ribs! They should have gotten detention!" Malfoy moaned again and clutched his side melodramatically.

Eloise noticed Malfoy in the room and abruptly turned to run away. I grabbed her wrist before she could bolt.

Pomfrey waved her wand at Draco and then frowned. "Mr. Malfoy, you have a small bruise. I can give you some mild pain killing potion, but you're healthy enough to go to class tomorrow."

Hmm, I think we have a couple of quizzes tomorrow… Yes, I'm sure Draco is deadly ill.

"Have you even checked to see if my ribs have cut into my lungs? I could be dying! My father is on the board of directors. You HAVE to take me seriously."

Madam Pomfrey looked unamused.

I cleared my throat. "Excuse me, do you have a moment Madam Pomfrey?"

Draco turned toward me seemingly temporarily relieved of his horrible pain. "I was here first!"

Madam Pomfrey walked away from Draco and up towards us. Draco glared at us behind her back. "How can I help you girls?"

Eloise yanked on my arm, trying to bolt again.

"Do you have anything for period cramps?" I asked straight faced.

Eloise looked at me in shock, but the look on Draco's face was priceless. It went from annoyed to horrified in an instant.

"They've been terrible lately. Like there's a rampaging Hippogriff bouncing off the walls of my uterus."

Draco's face went from red to slightly green.

"And how much is too much? Like a spoonful or a cupful?"

Draco stood up. "I think I'm feeling better after all."

"Or more like a bucket?"

Draco ran out of the room.

I turned to Eloise who at this point was bright red. "See? I told you I had it covered." I turned toward Madam Pomfrey. "I actually could use some pain killer for cramps if you've got any, but that's not what we came for. Do you have any treatments for acne? We tried the boil potion, but it only worked for the boil like parts. Is there anything you can give us? And if not, can you recommend what we could buy? Are there wizard dermatologists?"

Madam Pomfrey looked confused (and unconcerned that Malfoy had ran off). "What's a dermatologist?"

"They're Muggle healers that specialize in skin treatments," I explained.

"Ah. No. The most similar example in the wizarding world would be a Glamorer." Madam Pomfrey looked like she'd swallowed something foul. "I'm an actual healer, dear."

"What's a Glamorer?" I asked curiously.

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "Someone who cuts hair? Styles makeup? Dyes eyes and hair? Surely there's some equivalent in the Muggle world."

Oh, she's talking about a beautician. And thanks for the mildly condescending tone lady.

"You have to have something that will help. Skin health is important. It's the largest organ in your body."

"You're being silly. It's a little acne. You'll both grow out of it." Madam Pomfrey went to a supply cabinet and handed me a small vial of pain medicine. "This should help with the cramps. Are there any other actual medical problems the two of you are having? If not, I need to get back to work."

Lady, you're not triaging people in here. This place is empty. You're just trying to get rid of us. And wait, what do you mean by we'll both grow out of it? I have two pimples right now, tops (and I know I'll grow out of it).

I caught Eloise's hopeless look out of the corner of my eye and it made my heart sink.

"What about scars? Is there a treatment for that?"

Madam Pomfrey gave a long suffering sigh. "Charms and potions to reduce scarring are controlled by the Ministry. Only licensed professionals can administer them."

"So administer them."

Madam Pomfrey was obviously starting to lose patience with us. "Like I told the girl with the large front teeth and the girl who thought she had a lopsided bosom, I'm here to treat REAL injuries. Not frivolous aesthetic concerns."

Just because neither of us had been turned into a teapot or whatever, didn't mean this wasn't a valid concern! How dare she treat us like we're Draco fucking Malfoy throwing a hissy fit!

"It's not frivolous! It's an actual medical condition!"

"I suggest you control your tone young lady unless you want a detention." Madam Pomfrey glared.

I opened by mouth to retort, but Eloise interrupted me. "Kasey, don't get in trouble because of me. It's okay really. I'll just learn to deal with it."

I opened my mouth, closed it, and then abruptly stomped away before I said something I couldn't take back.

I stomped my way all the way down the stairs into Hogwarts basement, and was still seething when we walked through our dorm room door.

"Kasey it's okay really." Eloise said in a small, quiet voice.

"No, it isn't okay! She was treating us as if we were that little shit Malfoy trying to ditch class. You don't deserve to be treated like that."

I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. I'm feeling kind of crappy and I'm getting more upset then I should be. Glamorers were a lead I suppose. I opened the pain relieving potion and chugged it down. I immediately started to feel a little better.

It was still bullshit though.

When I looked up, Poster Lance on the Charmed4U poster was sneering at me. He then winked and made a lewd gesture. He was currently the only boy band member in frame (sometimes they wandered off for awhile).

Eloise cringed and seemed to fold even further into herself.

I turned toward her. "Did you see that? You also saw that right?"

Eloise nodded. "Does he call you a mudblood too? I thought it was just me?"

Lance pointed at his pants, then pointed at Eloise, and made another lewd gesture.

Something inside of me snapped and I fucking lost it.

"To hell with this!"

I'm not letting some creepo make x-rated gestures at a young girl!

I ran over to my trunk and procured my permanent maker.

Let's see the little shit leer at us through some magic marker sunglasses!

I jumped on Hannah's bed and pressed the permanent marker to one of Lance's eyes.

As soon as the marker hit the poster boy's eyes, I knew I'd made a mistake.

Poster Lance leaped away from the marker and was now silently screaming. The permanent marker mark looked like a horrific black gaping wound where his eye used to be.

"Huh." Eloise stated in shock.

Poster Lance thrashed around holding his face. The other members of Charmed4U walked into the frame and started pointing and silently screaming too.

"Huh." I echoed staring in morbid horror.

And that's when Susan and Hannah walked in.

Hannah screamed.

"What have you done to Lance?!"


	19. Liar Liar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This was written before any information about the Chinese wizarding school had come out (I'm sure that info will come out eventually). Also, note that the Norbit incident happened in April in the first Harry Potter book (it's March in this chapter). I haven't forgotten it.

"What are you doing?!" Hannah shrieked looking at me in shock. My hand was still hovering over the poster.

"Um…" I looked over at Eloise, but she was in full-on 'deer in the headlights' mode so she wasn't any help.

"What have you done to Lance?!" Hannah ran over to the poster. Susan followed after her.

I awkwardly jumped off the bed and got out of their way.

"There's an uh… explanation… for all this." I started, then stopped. The truth was going to sound like a ridiculous excuse now.

Hannah jumped up on her bed and poked the poster. Susan was looking at me like a disappointed mom who had just caught her kid drawing on the walls.

"Reparo!" Hannah called out while pointing her wand at the poster. Nothing happened.

"That won't work…" I winced. "Reparo doesn't work on magical objects."

Hannah jumped off the bed and rounded on me. I felt a heavy weight settle in the pit of my stomach. I do stupid things when I'm angry and this had been pretty damn stupid. At least, I don't get angry often…

"Why did you do that?" Hannah asked sounding more hurt than angry now.

"I know this is going to sound far-fetched, but the poster has been making rude gestures at me and Eloise." I paused and Eloise nodded. "It's been calling me and her um… Mudblood."

Hannah gasped and Susan cast a skeptical look at the poster.

"Lance would never do that!" Hannah exclaimed shocked.

Oh good grief.

"You've never met him. How would you know that?" I asked, hoping to get through past her fangirl fanaticism. "They're celebrities with marketing gimmicks. His personality could be way different than it's presented."

Hannah looked at the poster tentatively. Lance was sobbing while the other boys patted his shoulder. Hannah's face hardened and she turned back towards me and scowled. "That's a ridiculous excuse!"

"It's never done that to me. Do you have any proof?" Susan asked.

"Well… no." I shuffled awkwardly.

"They did the same thing to me too!" Eloise piped up loyally.

"So you're saying that an internationally popular music group put out a super racist poster that calls girls horrible names and no one else has noticed? That would make the news at least, surely," Susan stated skeptically.

I felt something in my heart twist. I knew Hannah was going to be mad, but I hadn't expected that Hannah and Susan wouldn't believe me at all.

"You should believe us because we're your friends!" Eloise exclaimed and stood between me and Hannah.

"Friends don't break other friend's things!" Hannah yelled, glaring at Eloise now.

I winched again. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have marked on your poster. I should have came and talked with you first about it. Charmed4U might not even be bigots. You can charm a photo to act however you want."

"Just stop lying!" Hannah looked like she was ready to hex us.

"Stop calling us liars!" Eloise yelled going red in the face. She looked like she might hex Hannah back.

"Then stop lying!" Hannah yelled back.

"Shhh! You're going to bring a prefect over here!" Susan pleaded and looked nervously at the door.

Hannah and Eloise ignored her.

"Stop trying to cover for her Eloise," Hannah growled out.

"I'm not covering for anyone. I can make my own decisions!" Eloise advanced on Hannah.

Crap, are they going to skip hexing and go straight to hair pulling?

I jumped in between the two.

"It's not worth it Eloise," I stated and put my hand on her arm.

"No! We. Are. Not. Lying." Eloise said through gritted teeth. I could literally see the stubbornness settle into her.

"YES YOU ARE!" Hannah yelled and jumped for Eloise.

The door opened.

We froze.

An older female prefect whose name I didn't remember was standing in the doorway. She looked pissed.

"I don't know what you little firsties are arguing about and I don't care. N.E. are coming and I need to study. YOU WILL SHUT UP OR I WILL GLUE YOU ALL TO THE CEILING UNTIL MORNING." The prefect smiled dangerously. "Understand, girls?"

We all nodded mutely.

The prefect slammed the door shut without another word.

Hannah and Eloise glared at each other one more time, but the prefect's threat seemed to have deflated the argument. We all got ready for bed in silence and didn't say another word to each other before going to sleep.

I didn't fall asleep for a long time.

* * *

Several days later, Hannah and Susan were both still mad at me.

Despite apologizing profusely and offering to buy another poster, Hannah had refused to forgive me. She was currently giving me the silent treatment or more accurately the 'every time Kasey talks it's just a trick of the wind or maybe I'm infested with garble brain worms'.

I had to look up garble worms so I knew what I was being insulted with. Garble worms burrow into ear canals and then babble nonsense to you until a healer can dig them out. They're a pest that infests some magical plants. Herbology should go over 'protecting yourself from brain worms' day one. What the hell.

Hmm, if they won't let me replace the poster maybe I can buy Hannah something else in exchange? Huh… I've got an idea what Susan and Hannah might like even if the thought fills me with dread. I'm in the wrong, though. I should just bite the bullet and send my order out… It might take awhile to arrive so in the mean time I need to try to get them to talk to me.

I caught up to Susan in the bathroom a few days later, hoping that she'd be a little more amendable without Hannah there. No one else was in the bathroom and I waited for her to get out of the stall. It was a little stalkerish, but the tension in the dorm room was driving me up the wall.

"Why would I make up something so ridiculous?" I asked Susan incredulously when she stepped out of the stall.

What I did was wrong even if it was for good reasons. I get that. But this was getting blown out of proportion.

"I don't know. We thought you were usually much better at it," Susan mumbled while washing her hands.

I frowned. That dig had to be about my fake "neglectful" parents. And that statement is also full of so much Goddamned irony it's making my head hurt. I'm apparently known to my friends as the super dishonest Hufflepuff.

And they're… not wrong. Hell, when the Sorting Hat was talking about Hufflepuff taking "the rest" were they talking about me? Heh, if they don't believe me about a poster, they will never believe that I'm from another dimension…

"The poster was spelled to say and make rude gestures to Muggle-borns. I'm not saying the band itself is racist either. Pictures can be spelled to make them act however you want them to. Come on, Eloise has backed me up on this and she hates lying."

Susan snorted and waved her hands over the hand dryer. The water on her hands instantly evaporated. "Eloise would jump off a bridge without a broom if you asked her to. It makes it way worse that you're dragging her into this."

"It's the truth!"

"And you're the first person to notice out of thousands of people? Hannah has had that poster since last summer!"

I cringed. "When you put it that way it sounds crazy. Maybe it's just certain posters that were tampered with? Or only Hannah's? I don't know."

"Do you still not have any proof?" Susan asked with her hands on her hips.

My shoulders slumped. "No. I don't know how to get any."

I didn't know of any 'video recording' type spell and electronics wouldn't work at Hogwarts. There wasn't any way to tell the intent of an animation spell either. Or if there was I couldn't find it in the library. I can only prove that it'd been spelled to animate and not the intention of the caster.

Susan shrugged. "Hannah will get over it eventually. She gets angry easily but she can't keep it up for long. Make it up to her somehow."

"It's just a poster," I muttered.

Susan gave me a piercing stare again. "You know it's not just about the poster."

I was the first to break eye contact.

"You should have just said you were sorry." Susan sighed, turned on her heel, and then walked out of the bathroom.

I rubbed my eyes.

This situation was so Goddamned stupid. I was in trouble for telling the truth because everyone thought I was lying because of all the lying that I do. However, lying would probably get me out of trouble. But I couldn't lie because that would betray Eloise and make her look like a liar.

I really miss hard liquor.

* * *

I only had two classes on Wednesdays so I had some extra time after classes and before dinner to try brewing my first aging potion. I brought my cauldron and potions ingredients to the Room of Requirement and made sure to request that the room had the usual security precautions (you can never be too paranoid). I also requested some additional potions equipment and a full length mirror.

The potion didn't take very long to brew, but it did have a lot of ingredients that I hadn't dealt with yet. I wanted to make a couple small doses beforehand, before I tried to make a big batch of it.

I'm surprised it wasn't in the restricted section, but I guess the implications for most students were limited. Adult wizards have ways of detecting the illusion and you weren't supposed to use magic around Muggles. Heck, there was a section in the book about practical uses of the potion. My favorite was the suggestion that you should use it to take advantage of senior citizen discounts at Muggle restaurants.

I took my time preparing the ingredients. The wilting mint was easy to grind into a paste, but the cobwebs were so delicate and translucent it was easy to lose sight of them. I added water and boiled the mixture for exactly three and a half minutes.

Without Snape breathing down my neck, brewing potions is actually pretty relaxing.

I took the potion off of the boiler and sprinkled in a pinch of attic dust and a tiny piece from a fifty year old parchment. The potion turned a deep navy blue.

I sniffed the fumes.

It smelled like stale hard candies just liked it was supposed to.

I double checked the chart in the library book. For every five drops, you added a decade to your age. Ten drops should get me to my early thirties. I used enough mint that the potion should last an hour. The more mint you used, the longer the potion lasted up to a maximum of six hours. More than that and you got really sick to your stomach and had a risk of going prematurely gray.

Fuck that.

I carefully measured out ten drops into three other potion bottles and then corked two of the bottles.

I stared at the dark blue liquid in the uncorked bottle.

I'd already changed into stretchy pants and an oversized t-shirt so I wouldn't burst through my clothes like She-Hulk. I glanced at the full length mirror seeing my twelve year old self staring back at me. Even after all these months, it sometimes felt like a stranger lived on the other side of the mirror.

I guess all that's left now is to drink it…

I gulped it down. It tasted like stale milk. Why don't potions ever taste good?

I looked up and gasped.

There I was staring back at myself. The real me.

I wasn't expecting it to feel like getting punched in the gut. It was like suddenly meeting a relative you had thought was dead.

I walked up to the mirror and laid my hand on the surface.

I still had the same long dark brown hair that was stuck somewhere between straight and wavy so it always looked perpetually messy. My eyes were still boring old brown. I still had the same nose that was a tad bit too big. I might be a tiny bit taller than my original life, but I was still going to be on the short end of average. It was hard to tell without anything to measure myself with...

I don't know why, but seeing the real me makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. Maybe cause it's a reminder that I'm the lie? That it took an illusion potion to bring out the truth? That I'm never getting her back, not really? That deep down I'm not sure I even want to? That the woman staring back at me still kind of felt like a stranger?

I stepped away from the mirror.

Navel gazing wasn't good for me. All I can do is walk forward. Forward has magic and it'll feel right someday. I just need to survive Hogwarts and make a life for myself here. Eventually, I'll be old enough I won't feel like such a fraud. Surely.

I set my timer so I could see how long the potion lasted. I then cleaned up my potions equipment and sat down to do some homework while I waited for it to wear off.

* * *

I approached Eloise the next time I could catch her alone in the dorm room. I found her Thursday afternoon after class reading a book on her bed. The cover of the book had a lizard on it.

The irony of what I was about to ask was not lost on me. Really, these days I just swam in a constant soupy swamp of irony.

Across the room, the Charmed4U poster guys were operating a kissing booth to pay for Lance's medical bills. Or at least, that's what the sign next to their booth said. They never received any customers since there wasn't anyone but them in there. The marker had also done something weird to the charm and the scene would blur for a moment before suddenly snapping back like a glitched computer program. I think Hannah is keeping the poster up out of sheer spite at this point.

"So…" I stopped in front of Eloise's bed and waited until she looked up. "Would you be willing to—"

"No." Eloise looked back down at her book.

I threw my hands up in exasperation. "I didn't even ask yet!"

Eloise looked at me out of the corner of her eye, clearly annoyed. "I know what you're about to say. I'm not lying about it. It was an evil poster and I'm glad you wrote on it. If she keeps it up much longer, I'm going to rip it down."

Oh good grief. I flopped down on my bed, mentally exhausted. Why do I even care so much about what a group of tween girls think?

"We don't have any proof," I stated sullenly while staring at the canopy of my bed.

"I won't lie just because you asked me to," Eloise stated with conviction.

I held back a laugh. Oh the irony swamp. It's so thick today. Better watch out for gators.

"What about jumping off a bridge without a broom?"

Eloise looked up. "Why do you ask?"

"Don't consider it!" I groaned and held a pillow over my head.

"I thought maybe we were going to bounce back up. This is the wizarding world, after all. Strange things happen. What does this have to do with anything?"

"Never mind about the bridge. What if I just say I was being a jerk and you just don't contradict me?" I asked in a muffled voice. The pillow was still over my head.

"That's still lying," Eloise replied, although she seemed less sure of herself this time.

I took the pillow off of my head and looked over at her. "It's a lesser shade of lying?"

"Are you really okay with that?" Eloise asked.

To be honest? No, I'm not okay with any of the lying I have to do. I know I have to lie about the big things. There's too many negative consequences not too. But it really grates when I have to lie about the small things too. The lying just never seems to end.

"No, but you have to pick your battles and this one isn't worth it," I replied after a moment's hesitation.

Eloise sighed and went back to her book. "I'll think about it."

That was probably as good as I was going to get from her.

* * *

I sat down at the library table next to Hermione after Spell Club. After the meeting, Hermione had asked if anyone wanted to make a collaborated study guide. We had plenty of time after Spell Club this week. Anthony's umbrella charm had taken everyone about ten minutes to learn. I guess it was inevitable that among a group of kids someone wouldn't prepare at all when it was their turn.

Hermione had gotten a very lukewarm response, but a few of us had agreed to come. Honestly, if Hermione wants to do half of my notes, I'm not going to complain.

Kevin and Neville sat down shortly after me. We waited another five minutes, but it looked like they were going to be the only others to arrive.

"Where are the other Hufflepuff girls?" Hermione asked.

"Eloise is working on the prep for her Spell Club meeting next week. Mokes are difficult to work with apparently? And my other two roommates think I'm Hufflepuff Hitler right now." I shrugged trying to look like I didn't care.

Hermione's face fell in sympathy. "What happened?"

I told the group an abbreviated version of the last few days and the poster incident. After I was done, Hermione was frowning and the boys just seemed bewildered.

"You should not have defaced someone else's property, but if I'd been called that word I might have reacted badly too." Hermione patted my shoulder. "I'm sure they'll forgive you eventually."

I looked up, hopeful. "So you believe me?"

Hermione nodded. "Of course, you're not a liar."

I winced internally.

"Girls are weird. You should just hex each other and be friends again," Kevin suggested unhelpfully. Beside him, Neville nodded sagely.

"That's not how girl fights work. You silently resent each other and maybe badmouth the other girl behind her back. Also, there's lots of passive aggressiveness," I explained.

That shit gets better as you get older, but some women never really grow out of it. It's a bit depressing, honestly.

Neville shuddered. "Girl fights sound complicated and a bit scary."

Hermione turned toward Neville. "None of your other mates wanted to work on the study guide?"

Neville shrugged. "Sorry. Anthony, Dean, and Seamus said no. I didn't bother to ask Harry or Ron... Oh, and Oliver is in the Hospital Wing with two broken ankles."

"What?! We just saw him two hours ago! What happened?" I asked.

Neville looked sheepish. "He tried to walk up the wall like a spider, but the spell didn't hold the rest of his body up."

Hermione covered her mouth in shock. "Oh no…"

Neville laughed nervously. "It was rather… gruesome. We told Oliver to not try it, but you know him. Madam Pomfrey said he'd be fine by morning."

Hermione turned toward Kevin. "What about the other Hufflepuff boys?"

"The rest of my dorm mates said no as well. They're just lazy though…" Kevin blurted out and then his face went bright red. "Um… don't tell them I said that."

"That's a pity. Exams are right around the corner." Hermione pulled out a stack of papers, her quill, and a pot of ink from her bag.

"It's March…" Neville trailed off in disbelief.

Unperturbed by Neville's lack of enthusiasm, Hermione handed out a study schedule to each of us. The schedule had been typed and color coded. Where did she get a typewriter at Hogwarts?

"Exactly! They'll be here before we know it!" Hermione reached into her bag again and handed each of us a piece of paper.

I laughed.

"So I've made a comprehensive study plan that is broken down by class and skill level. I haven't finished all of my notes for this year yet," Hermione said sadly as if she should have done all the work by herself ahead of time.

I reached into my bag and pulled out the notebook with all of History of Magic notes I had made over the summer. "I've already made notes for the entire year for History of Magic. You can use mine."

Hermione pounced on my notes like a lion attacking a zebra on the savannah. I'm lucky I didn't lose a finger.

Neville looked at me like my polyjuice potion had just worn off. "The entire year?!"

Jeez, Neville. Did you think I was an academic slacker or something?

"I've got notes for the rest of the year for Charms too." I pulled my Charms notebook out and handed it to her. There were a lot of extra spells on that one that I had looked up throughout the year. Charms class was super fun. "I'd like to compare my Defense notes to yours, Hermione. I focused so much on independent study that I think I might have missed something from class. I'm behind on the rest though. Do you want to cover the Astronomy notes? I can't stand that class."

Hermione pounced on my new notebook and then gave me a disapproving look. Someday, she'd make one scary tiger mom. "Astronomy is important in Potions and in Arithmancy. I don't know why you hate the class so much."

Ah, Arithmancy. Now there's a class I'm probably going to be terrible at. No how matter how much I studied in Muggle math class, I always fell short. I haven't even cracked open the book I bought on Arithmancy last summer. I think I'm going to take it anyway in third year. It seems important for high level magic.

"The wizarding side is just so limited. They haven't tried to go to space at all," I exclaimed aware that I sounded a bit like a broken record.

Neville laughed. "You sound like Oliver."

"Oliver and I are going to the moon someday you know." I wagged my finger at Neville, half joking and half serious. If adult Oliver shows up on my doorstep twenty years from now and is like, 'I've got a working magical rocket, let's do this!', I would probably go.

Hermione's scowl reminded me a lot of McGonagall. "I hope your moon plan is better thought out than Oliver's wall walking plan."

It had to be an ADULT Oliver and not teenaged Oliver with a taped up cardboard box, a propulsion spell, and a head full of dreams. I've got some common sense.

I tried to match Hermione's scowl. "When you're looking through your telescope and see me and Oliver waving from the surface of the moon you're going to feel pretty silly for doubting us."

Hermione rolled her eyes and turned toward Kevin. "Kevin, do you want to write up the Potions notes?"

"I like other subjects too you know," Kevin grumbled.

"Oh sorry I had just assumed…" Hermione trailed off awkwardly.

Kevin sighed. "It's fine. I'll do the Potions notes."

Kevin was a pretty good artist too. It's too bad art is just a club at Hogwarts and not a class.

"I um, can help with Herbology?" Neville interjected and raised his hand for some reason. "Although, I'll probably need extra help in other classes."

"Don't worry about it. I know I need some help in Transfiguration," Kevin reassured Neville.

I took a minute to glance at the schedule Hermione had just handed to us and it was something special. Oh boy. "You scheduled our bathroom breaks, Hermione. This is school, not prison."

"Professor Snape could be part dementor," Neville muttered under his breath.

"I'll do the Transfiguration notes and the Astronomy notes. We'll compare Defense notes and see what we can come up with," Hermione went on, ignoring me.

"And edit this schedule so we don't have to poo on command," I stated a little more loudly.

Hermione finally turned toward me. "I suppose I can edit it slightly."

"You need to edit it a lot. Starting studying now is a good idea, but we're not doing our O.W.L.s or N.E.W.T.s yet. We don't have to go overboard," I explained calmly.

Kevin looked at his schedule and his eyebrows went to his hairline. "Blimey, Hermione! How fast can you poo?" Kevin's face went blood red. "Oh I said that out loud…"

I cackled. "Fast pooping is a sport in the Muggle world you know. Hermione must have been on her school team."

I was pleased to see two super gullible expressions on the two boys' faces.

"What? Really?" Neville asked looking shocked.

Kevin squinted at Hermione like he was seeing her for the first time. "Huh, Muggles are odd."

Hermione's face went red. "She's making that up!"

I sighed melodramatically. "She's very humble for someone whose nickname used to be THE ROCKET. My nickname was-" I broke off abruptly. Hermione put down her wand with a self satisfied smirk. I tried to talk, but no sound came out of my mouth. She'd cast a silencing spell at me silently, and I was going to have to do the same to take it off of myself.

Impressive move, Hermione.

"See?" Kevin gestured to me. "And now you can be friends again in five minutes."

Neville nodded sagely.

Hermione tossed her hair over her shoulder. "If she counters the curse in five minutes." Hermione flattened her schedule on the table and pointed to the first item. "Now if we do one chapter a week…"

Hermione droned on and I tried to silently cast the counter curse for the next fifteen minutes. Well played, Hermione. Well played.

* * *

Even though Hannah and Susan weren't on speaking terms with me at the moment, I still felt like I needed to show up to cheer Susan on at the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff Quidditch game even if Susan probably wasn't going to get to play. Besides, Harry had ended this within like five minutes in the original books. I probably won't have to stay very long.

Quidditch was really boring to watch from the stands.

Eloise and I walked by Hannah. She was sitting alone in the stands. I looked at Eloise who shrugged.

"Um… do you want to sit with us?" I asked hesitantly.

Hannah looked up. Her eyes went wide when she saw who we were. She opened her mouth to reply, hesitated, and then looked down awkwardly.

I sighed. "If you change your mind we're going to go sit up with the boys. We um… miss hanging out with you."

"Yeah, can't we just be friends again?" Eloise asked shyly.

Hannah hesitated and suddenly looked very young and vulnerable. "Are you going to admit you were…?" Hannah trailed off.

Eloise scowled, grabbed my hand, and then yanked me up the stairs.

I sighed and let her drag me away.

I just want this all to end, but hashing it all out in public on the Quidditch stands wasn't going to be the way to do it.

"I don't like that she's sitting by herself," I told Eloise and took my hand back.

Eloise stopped and her angry demeanor faded. "I don't either."

We didn't say anything else about the matter as we trudged up the stands and sat next to the Hufflepuff boys in our year. Wayne and Roger had painted their faces yellow and black. Justin and Ernie had signs with drawn images of a badger. Kevin was reading a book.

"Have they started yet?" I took my glasses off, cleaned them, and then put them back on my face.

Huh, I guess that is one of our players and not a speck on my glasses after all.

"No, the Gryffindor team must be stalling because they're afraid," Wayne stated without any sarcasm at all.

"So I've got a question about Quidditch," I said and turned toward Wayne. "What is the purpose of the Seeker position?"

Wayne pulled his binoculars from his face and gave me a 'are you mental?' look. "The Seeker catches the Snitch, gives his team a hundred and fifty points, and ends the game."

"But wouldn't it be better if the position didn't exist?" I asked.

"What? Have you lost your mind? How would the game end then?" Wayne asked.

"It could end at a set amount of points. Isn't it disappointing when the game ends really quickly?"

Wayne winced like I'd hit him. "That hardly ever happens."

"Maybe she's got a point?" Justin asked.

"Haud yer wheesht, Justin," Roger exclaimed and cuffed Justin lightly on the arm.

"Ow…" Justin whined.

"It can make the game take a really long time too," Ernie interjected. "My brother went to the World Cup last year and it lasted a whole week. He said he felt like he really got his money's worth."

Now I was the one giving the 'are you mental?' look. "And that was…fun?"

Ernie shrugged. "Why wouldn't it be?"

I guess there's no point trying to talk sense into these boys.

I settled in and waited for the game to start.

Ironically, Harry Potter ended the game in less than five minutes. I probably looked smug as fuck.

"Now, don't you feel disappointed?" I couldn't help asking.

Wayne's glare held the power of a thousand suns.

* * *

"Today we shall be making Nozular Paint as part of the Headmaster's..." A muscle on Snape's left eye twitched. "Arts and Crafts initiative."

I paused with my quill above my paper and many other students were looking at each other in bewilderment.

We were going to do arts and crafts in Potions class? What the heck had I done to the timeline to bring this about?

"Nozular Paint is especially prized for its unique properties. If you actually manage to brew this potion correctly, the paint will take on any hue you can imagine when you place your paintbrush in it. I expect we shall see lots of shades of brown."

Mandy Brocklehurst raised her hand. "Are we going to paint with it today too?"

Snape turned his scowl in her direction and Mandy wilted. "No. Ten points from Ravenclaw for the interruption. We will not be wasting any more time on this… "creative" initiative then I am obligated to. You can decide on your own time if you can now look forward to futures as starving artists scouring Muggle dust bins for food."

That was weirdly specific. Did Snape date a Death Eater painter in his youth? Ugh, now I'm picturing Voldemort saying 'Paint me like one of your French girls'. Go away mental image.

I forced myself to focus back on class.

"The instructions are on the board. Do not eat any of the Nozular berries. Do not throw any of the Nozular berries. Nozular berries are highly combustive until they are soaked in ice water for five minutes. Try not to set anyone on fire. We have a limited number of berries so break into groups of four. You have an hour." Snape turned and walked back to his desk.

Eloise walked over, but Hannah and Susan pointedly avoided eye contact with us and paired up with Lisa Turpin and Megan Jones from Ravenclaw. Everyone was quickly paired up and Eloise and I ended up with the two people left over; Sue Li and Mandy Brocklehurst. Or they ended up with us?

"I'll go get the water bowl," Mandy stated to Sue Li slightly over enunciating every word. She then said in a normal tone to Eloise and me, "Can you start on the other ingredients?"

I nodded and Mandy walked away. Sue Li glared at her retreating back.

"She thinks because my English is not good that I cannot hear," Sue Li grumbled and started crushing the roach carapaces in her mortle and pestle.

"Your English is a lot better than my Chinese," I replied cheerfully. I started cracking the tiny salamander eggs into a bowl.

"Mandarin." Sue Li corrected imperiously.

"Sorry." I cracked the last egg into the bowl. "Did your family move here too? It must be hard learning a new language and having classes in it at the same time."

I started whisking the eggs.

Sue Li sniffed. "Father is a Ambassador. We are a old family. I am not born from Muggles like you."

"Muggle-born," I corrected imperiously.

Eloise snorted and her shoulders shook with suppressed laughter which was definitely affecting her ability to slice delicate dragonfly wings. Eloise don't tank our grade here.

Sue Li frowned at me, but I couldn't tell if she was annoyed at me or she was just mulling over the word. Maybe she just doesn't realize how snobby she's coming off? I might as well give her the benefit of the doubt.

"Done?" Sue Li asked and pointed to my bowl of whisked eggs.

I nodded. Sue Li added the roach carapaces she'd been crushing to my egg mixture. Eloise added the bisected dragonfly wings. Mandy came back carrying a large bowl filled with ice water. The red nozular berries were already floating on top.

I poured the concoction into the cauldron we were sharing and turned on the burner.

Mandy sat down the bowl a bit carelessly. I eyed it nervously, but it didn't look like it was going to explode. Yet.

Eloise set the timer for five minutes.

"Sue hasn't been going on about Yù Gōng has she? It seems like it's all she talks about. It's better than Hogwarts, I wish I was there, blah blah blah." Mandy flipped her hair over her shoulder and rolled her eyes.

Sue Li sat up straighter and narrowed her eyes at Mandy. "It is made of jade."

"What's Yù Gōng?" Eloise asked curiously.

"Wizard school in the Three Kingdoms. I am the first of my family to not go." Sue Li's shoulders slumped. "Father wanted me closer to him."

"It's made ENTIRELY of jade. Apparently," Mandy stated offhandedly.

I whistled. "Neat. So Three Kingdoms? Not China?"

Sue scowled. "China is a word for…" Sue Li said a few words in Mandarin. She then paused for a moment and restarted in English, "Muggle word. It is a Muggle word."

"Oh, I didn't know that." I shrugged. I'm going to have to look up a bit of geography in the library. I didn't know that some wizards would consider country borders differently than Muggles. I suppose it makes sense considering how old the Chinese culture is. Their wizarding traditions would be just as old.

"I should be there. The classes are very small here," Sue Li said sadly.

Mandy shrugged. "That's just the last few years. A lot of kids that would have been here in our grade were murdered as babies."

Way to be creepily nonchalant Mandy.

Sue Li nodded. "Your dark wizard."

"Everyone's dark wizard! He would have taken over the world if Harry Potter hadn't stopped him," Mandy argued back.

Sue Li snorted in a very unlady-like manner. "Doubtful."

"Our dark wizards are eviler than your dark wizards," Mandy argued.

"Hmmf. Do you have a Ji Xiaolan who covered the kingdoms in an army of the not dead?"

Is this an argument you really want to win girls?

"We had the Witch Queen Grimhilde who ruled the country in the 7th century. That includes the Muggles! She had magic mirrors and spied on people so if you said anything bad about her she KNEW. If you were young, she killed you and bathed in your blood to preserve her youth."

"Li Ying ate Muggle babies and turned hundreds into Jiangshi!" Sue Li declared proudly.

Ravenclaws have arguments in weird ways.

"Well the wizard Ethelred blinded the entire town of Warwick and made them into his slaves after they insulted his mustache!" Mandy gestured wildly.

I checked the timer. We had a few minutes left still.

"Zhang Wei was a half giant who rode a dragon. He set the Three Kingdoms on fire with-" Sue Li said something in Mandarin. "Killing thousands and thousands!"

Mandy rolled her eyes. "He was mythological! You can't use mythological wizards!"

"There are many sources!" Sue Li argued back.

Yep. Ravenclaw arguments were weird.

"If you're using him then I'm claiming that Circe turned hundreds of Muggle men into pigs! And she had her own island!" Mandy was getting pretty heated and had started gesturing even more wildly with her arms.

"She was Greek. Greek is cheating!" Sue Li fired back.

"Greece is European isn't it?!" Mandy gestured so wildly her arm knocked into the bowl of berries.

Time seemed to slow down as I watched the bowl teeter and then ever so slowly tip over… right into my lap.

My pants caught fire instantly.

I'd like to say I calmly grabbed my wand and took care of it, but the fire was so explosive it melted my robes to my skin and turned all the water in the bowl to scalding steam. My world was just burning pain, distant screams, and the vague notion that I needed to throw myself to the ground and roll.

I heard someone yell, "Extinctus!"

The fire was put out, but the blinding pain was not. I grabbed the side of the counter and pulled myself up. The movement pulled the burnt skin and a flash of pain nearly sent me back to my knees. I blinked rapidly to try to clear the spots from my vision.

Two people were talking beside me saying something.

"Go to the infirmary, Miss Thompson. You and everyone at your table get a zero for this assignment," Snape was saying through my haze.

Infirmary? I think I can do that? There's only one flight of stairs? I think?

I gritted my teeth.

"By herself?" A boy asked incredulously from across the room. I couldn't see who through my watery eyes. "Send someone with her!"

I took a step toward the door. I didn't want anyone to get detention from the psycho because of me.

"The infirmary is only one flight up—" Snape started, but was interrupted.

"You better send someone with her!" A girl across the room yelled angrily. "She's hurt!"

I took another step towards the door, almost lost my footing and someone grabbed my arm beside me.

"Are you giving ME orders? Fifty points from Hufflepuff!" Snape yelled.

The hand on my arm started to lead me towards the door. I leaned on them like a crutch.

"If she was from Slytherin, you'd send someone with her!" the boy stated again loudly. Oliver maybe?

"Fifty points from Ravenclaw and two weeks—" Snape was interrupted again.

I took a few more slow steps towards the door using the person next to me to keep my balance.

"You're just making her go alone because she's a Muggle-born!" The girl across the room yelled angrily.

The room got deadly silent. Several moments passed and I vaguely wondered through the pain if Snape was about to murder a group of tweens.

Or maybe he was thinking about Lily?

After several moments of deadly silence, Snape's voice cut through the tension. "Fine. Take her to the infirmary, Miss Midgen. Two weeks detention for Miss Abbot, Mr. Rivers, and Mr. Entwhistle. And three for you Miss Midgen since you are already walking out the door anyways." Snape's voice was soft with barely contained fury.

I heard a soft 'hmmf' from beside me and Eloise pushed open the door and led me out.

Every step made my robes shift and pulled painfully at my thighs. My thighs felt vaguely wet and I smelled like a BBQ. Thank God the fire just got my legs.

"S-Sorry." I gritted out taking the first stair step up slowly. I had a death grip on the railing.

"It's not your fault. Mandy wasn't paying attention," Eloise assured me. "She said she'd bring your stuff later. She looked really sorry."

I nodded and took another step. If I try to say something at this point, pathetic little squeaks will probably come out instead.

Was the infirmary always a million miles away from the dungeons?

After what felt like an eternity, we finally arrived at the infirmary. Eloise explained what happened and Madam Pomfrey ushered me behind a screen. I nearly bit my tongue when I peeled down my pants to show her the burn. It felt like some of my skin came off with it. Maybe it did.

Madam Pomfrey squinted at my burn. "It looks like we'll have to regrow the skin and start anew." She pulled out her wand and made some 'magical marker marks' all around the burns on my thighs. "We'll melt this section of skin off and regrow it. You'll be fine by tomorrow."

MELT MY SKIN OFF?

"You're going to do what?" I managed to squeak out.

Madam Pomfrey flicked her wand and a bottle soared out of a cabinet into her hand. "Drink this for the pain dear. Make sure to drink it all."

I screwed off the cap and downed it in one go. It tasted like dirty socks.

"You're in her year aren't you? Will you go get her a spare pair of robes and her pajamas?" Madam Pomfrey asked Eloise around the side of the screen.

MELT. MY. SKIN. OFF.

"Of course," Eloise answered. She gave me a sympathetic look. "I'll be right back."

The pain faded away to discomfort.

"Are you sure the uh, skin melting part is necessary?" I asked nervously.

Madam Pomfrey gave me a shrewd look. "It depends if you want terrible burn scars or not."

I paused and thought about how I would get another chance to be a hot twenty something in a bikini on the beach again. And maybe I'd actually go somewhere fun this time and hit on a hot life guard. Is there a wizard Cancun? I want to go to a wizard Cancun.

"No scars please. Um, melt away?" I laughed nervously.

Madam Pomfrey summoned another bottle and then pulled the screen closed. Before I knew it, I was sitting on the edge of the bed in my underwear, watching in horror as she slowly poured a bright purple liquid onto my burn. My skin fizzled and dissolved before my eyes exposing raw muscles underneath.

My vision swam for a moment.

Pomfrey waved her wand and my head cleared.

"It's just a little melted skin, no reason to faint." Madam Pomfrey sighed and patted my shoulder. "Now let's bandage this up and get you in bed. Normally, I would send you back to your dorm, but with this being in a bit of compromising spot you can stay here tonight."

Thank God it's just my upper thigh. I don't think I could ever later laugh about the 'time I set my vagina on fire'.

Madam Pomfrey handed me another potion to drink. I chucked it down and nearly gagged. It had the taste and consistency of snot.

Considering what ingredients go into some potions, it might have been snot…

I shuddered.

Madam Pomfrey bandaged up my thighs and got me into bed. I quickly covered myself up with a thick blanket. Eloise returned with my clothes, promised to tell me what happened in Astronomy, and left to get back to class.

I laid back and waited for my skin to grow back. It felt like a thousand ants were crawling underneath my skin.

* * *

When Madam Pomfrey took the bandages off of my legs the following morning, the skin underneath was smooth and unblemished. The skin was a little sensitive to the touch, but Pomfrey assured me that the tenderness would fade in a few days. The skin was "new" after all.

I wonder if witches and wizards do this to themselves on purpose as a beauty treatment? It's an intriguing and disturbing thought.

I remembered what Pomfrey thought about aesthetic treatments though and kept my mouth shut as I got dressed and left the infirmary.

It was still early in the morning on Saturday and the halls were deserted. My footsteps echoed loudly as I walked down the stairs. I should have time to head down to the dorms and take a shower before going to breakfast.

I made my way into the Hufflepuff Common Room and then walked into my dorm. When I walked in Hannah and Susan stopped in the middle of getting ready for the day to stare at me.

I closed the door. "Um, hi?" I stated awkwardly.

Hannah looked up shyly. "Are you… okay?"

"Yeah um…I'm fine now. Madam Pomfrey had to melt my skin off and regrow it." I grimaced at the memory.

"That sounds terrible," Hannah said softly and looked away from me.

A few seconds of awkward silence fell upon the room. I walked over to my bed and sat down.

"Did it hurt?" Susan asked breaking the silence.

I shook my head. "No, she gave me a potion that made everything not hurt. It was pretty gross though. I think I'd prefer not to be set on fire again this year."

"At least your eyebrows are fine," Susan joked.

Hannah looked up and made eye contact. "I'm glad you're okay."

"I'm sorry you got detention…" I replied back filled with guilt. And not just a regular detention either, but a Snape detention. Could I volunteer to have detention with them?

Hannah shrugged. "I probably should have stayed silent, but Professor Snape was being a ponce. You were obviously hurting."

The room was silent again except for the slight creaking of the bed as I shifted.

Eventually, I was the one to break the silence. "Can't we just… be friends again and forget this all happened? I'm really sorry. I promise I will never do anything like this again." I paused. "Not on purpose anyway. I'm apparently prone to catching on fire." I laughed nervously.

"I…" Hannah trailed off.

"I'm tired of fighting," Susan answered for her.

Hannah nodded and I could see unshed tears in her eyes. "Me too."

I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders.

Oh! There was that other thing I had bought…

"I um…" I shifted on the bed again. "I bought a bribe too if that will help?"

Susan frowned at me. "You can't bribe us."

I thought I might have overplayed my hand, but Hannah brightened a bit. "What kind of bribe?"

Susan groaned. "Seriously, Hannah?"

"It's uh, kind of a bribe for me to. For all of us. Um…" I reached into my bag and pulled out four pieces of paper and handed them to Hannah.

Hannah's mouth opened in shock. "Are these tickets to a Charmed4U concert?!"

Susan grabbed the tickets and held them up in awe. "Morganna's tits! These are front row too!"

Hannah suddenly ran up and tackle hugged me knocking us both down. "Thank you! I accept your bribe! Oh this is amazing!"

I separated from her and laughed. "They're having a concert this summer in London right before term starts. I thought it would be fun if we could all go?"

Susan was still peering at the tickets as if they'd suddenly dissolve into illusions. "How did you afford these?"

I laughed nervously again. "I had some money saved up from my allowance. And well… I can't spend it on much here at school…"

Another lie. But on the upside, I'm punishing myself for the lie by going to a Charmed4U concert. Maybe it won't even be that bad? The special effects will probably be awesome.

Susan handed the tickets back to Hannah. "I don't accept this as a bribe."

My face fell.

Hannah stood up, grabbed Susan's arm, and shook her. "You have to go too! Oooh, we could go in matching outfits!"

Oh God. Matching outfits? I'm definitely being properly punished…

Susan took her arm back and stepped away from Hannah. "I don't accept this as a bribe, but am going to forgive you and then accept these tickets as a gift in that order."

Hannah snorted. "Surrre."

The door slammed open and Eloise burst into the room. Her face was bright red and it looked like she'd been crying. "I'VE LOST THEM!"

I stood up in alarm. "Lost what? Are you okay?"

Susan and Hannah looked just as alarmed.

Eloise shook her head and wiped her eyes. "I lost the mokes for the Spell Club meeting! Hagrid and Professor Kettleburn trusted me with them and I lost them! Oh the poor things! They're going to get stepped on! Someone could be stepping on them right now!"

Hannah walked up and patted her shoulder. "It's okay. We'll help you look for them."

Eloise wiped her eyes and looked up. "W-We…?"

Hannah smiled softly. "Yes. We aren't fighting anymore."

Eloise hugged Hannah and sniffed loudly again. "Oh thank you!"

Hannah grimaced at the sound of Eloise's snotty nose sniff and patted her back in the hug.

"How do we help?" I asked.

"And what are mokes?" Susan added.

I thought back to the "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" book I'd read over the summer. "They're lizards with silvery green skin that can shrink at will."

Eloise nodded. "They're not dangerous. They just get scared easily. I sneezed at the wrong time and they got loose! I'll go get the magnifying helmets! I'll be right back!"

Eloise dashed out of the room.

Magnifying helmets? That sounds ominous.

Eloise returned about ten minutes later. She brought with her yellow metal helmets that had adjustable metal tubes with large magnifying glasses at the end. The magnifying glasses were as big as my head. You could adjust the magnifying glasses to be right in front of you.

Eloise put hers on. Huh, if I looked at her head-on, she looked like she had a giant head. It was like the coke bottle glasses effect but on your entire head.

"We have to strap these to our heads to see them!" Eloise exclaimed and handed each of us a helmet.

I reluctantly put mine on. Susan and Hannah also put theirs on although Hannah looked like she'd asked to don a pile of dung bombs.

It's a good thing I don't plan on dating while at Hogwarts because after this I won't be able to.

We filed out of the dorm room. Everyone in the common room turned their heads to watch us leave. We made it to the hallway and Eloise handed each of us a small tube-whistle thing that looked vaguely familiar.

"These are moke calls! We have to keep calling them to draw them to us," Eloise explained and then blew into the call.

"OOOGA BOOGA!"

The call echoed through the halls. Loudly.

Ah. That's why it's familiar. It reminds me of my dad's turkey and deer calls.

Eloise blew hers again. "OOOGA BOOGA!"

"There goes my popularity," Hannah whined and adjusted her magnifying glass.

Susan rolled her eyes. "You were never popular."

Eloise pulled a small spray bottle from her pocket and sprayed each of us.

"What did you just spray us with?" I asked nervously.

"Moke pheromone! It'll help mask our scent so they're less frightened! Oh, we just have to find them! The poor things must be so scared!"

I noticed with sinking realization that it left a yellow spot on my shirt.

"OOOGGAA BOOGAA!"

"Your pores look huge through this!" Hannah exclaimed while peering at Susan.

Susan peered right back. "So do yours."

Hannah touched her face in horror.

"Don't worry Eloise. We'll find them before Spell Club," I assured her.

And that turned out to be a lie as well. Spell Club had to be canceled. And a whole lot of people stared at us as we wandered the halls and the grounds smelling weird and blowing the moke calls.

"OOOGA BOOOGA!"

Susan sniffed her shirt. "This pheromone spray smells… odd."

"OOOGA BOOGA!"

We had to search for a long time. But we found them eventually.

"OOOGAA BOOGA!"

Hannah sniffed her shirt and gasped. "Did you spray us with pee?!"


	20. Proverbial Punch to the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note: I appreciate all your comments and criticism.

I blew on my nails and was satisfied to see fake lighting crackle on the midnight blue nail surface. I picked up the bottle of nail polish off my nightstand and shook it. The polish swirled and lightning crackled inside.

"Lightning in a Bottle" was a bit too on the nose for the brand of polish, but it still looked really cool.

"Does this look like a good detention outfit?" Hannah asked while holding up a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

Susan rolled her eyes and tightened her Quidditch knee pads. "I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer."

Quidditch practice took up so much of her free time. She must really really like the game, because I think I'd go mad having all my free time taken up with it.

"He's probably going to make us clean something disgusting. You shouldn't wear anything nice," Eloise advised. Eloise bounced on the edge of her bed impatiently. "And do hurry up. I don't want to be late."

I winced. "I really am sorry."

"Don't be. Snape was being horrid," Hannah reassured me and rushed to the bathroom to get ready.

"It was a bit much even for him," Susan said and strapped on her other knee pad.

Hannah emerged from the bathroom, looking entirely too well put together for scrubbing cauldrons. She'd even braided her blonde hair into a stylish bun. "I'm ready!"

Eloise hopped off the bed. "Finally. We'll see you later tonight, Kasey. At least, I hope we will. Surely he wouldn't make us miss dinner?"

Susan finished donning her Quidditch gear, grabbed her bag, and headed for the door.

"I wouldn't put it past him," Susan muttered as she left the room.

My roommates filed out the door and I was left alone in the dorm room.

I picked up "Crafting Magical Items and Objects for Beginners" and started reading. I wanted to make an automatically shrinking/unshrinking trunk for the summer. Carting around a trunk was super suspicious looking and I didn't think it was wise to leave it anywhere even in a hotel room. If it could shrink to fit into my pocket, my summer would be way more convenient.

I'd tried buying one, but couldn't find one for sale. I guess there was little market for an item that replaced a spell most people learned in second year of school. The Shrinking Solution potion wasn't going to work either. It was meant for living creatures. Pouring it on animate objects was iffy at best. It could shrink the trunk, but not all of the objects inside.

I read for about half an hour before I had to set the book aside. I couldn't concentrate knowing my friends were out there scrubbing toilets or worse because of me. I should be there.

I got up, pocketed my wand, walked out of the dorm room, and then out of the Hufflepuff Common Room. My hand brushed against the metal band on one of the barrels as I climbed out and gave me a nasty static shock.

Ouch.

I walked down the corridor and headed over to Snape's office.

I know this is a bad idea, but my conscience won't shut up if I don't at least try.

Snape's office was directly next to the Potion's classroom and was connected by an adjoining room so I didn't have far to go. I paused in front of the closed door.

"Let's just be done with this charade," Snape's gravelly voice said from the other side of the door.

He's got company. Maybe I should come back later?

There was silence for a few seconds and then Snape continued, "The year is nearly over and he hasn't—"

"He will," Dumbledore replied.

Ooooorrrrr I will stay here and eavesdrop…

"You shouldn't be using the stone as bait," Snape replied.

Their voices were quiet, but I could barely make out what they were saying.

"It is safe. He's already tried once and failed. The protections will hold," Dumbledore said calmly.

Snape made a snorting sound. "Your arrogance is staggering."

"I never claimed to be humble," Dumbledore quipped back.

Snape said something else, but I couldn't quite make it out through the door. The two then went back and forth for a bit talking more softly. Whatever they were saying it was just at the edge of my hearing.

I barely resisted the urge to put my ear to the door.

"And is he bait as well?" Snape said, his voice rising in his anger.

Dumbledore's reply was inaudible of course. Damn it.

"You're playing a dangerous game Albus," Snape replied sounding angry and exhausted.

"Perhaps," Dumbledore placidly replied. I heard the sound of a chair scraping the floor.

I waved my wand.

SILENCIO.

By some miracle, the silent spell went off successfully.

I sprinted down the other end of the hallway, turned abruptly on my heel, and muttered the counter curse so my footfalls could be heard once more. Dumbledore walked out of the office and saw me approaching calmly from the far end of the hallway. I tried to bring my breathing back to normal.

Dumbledore looked up. "Hello, Miss Thompson. Getting up to a little mischief this afternoon?"

I smiled and plastered what I hoped was an innocent expression onto my face. "Uh, no sir. I just have to ask Professor Snape something."

Dumbledore smiled mischievously. "Being up to no good once in awhile can't hurt. But, don't tell Professor Snape I said that."

Dumbledore winked and walked away.

Did he know I was listening? He could have easily known if he'd bothered to cast a spell… Maybe he didn't bother? I'm just some random Hufflepuff girl. If it wasn't for the map, he wouldn't even know my name. No, he probably thought I'd just been skulking about with a dung bomb or some other silly kid thing.

Did Dumbledore and Snape know that Quirrel was possessed by Voldemort? Was the "he" they were referring to Harry? Or Quirrel? Or even Pettigrew? Did I just see a glimpse of manipulative Dumbledore? God, I hope not. The note he'd sent me earlier in the year had seemed like quirky grandfatherly Dumbledore…

I suppose the two aren't mutually exclusive. He could be both…

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.

Exposing myself to potential Legilimency twice in one day. I must really be a dumbass. I turned back to the door, took a deep breath, and knocked.

"Excuse me, Professor? May I have a moment?"

"Come in," Snape replied in a gruff voice.

I opened the door. Another static shock zapped me when I touched the door handle. I paused in front of the threshold and shook my hand to get rid of the tingles.

My friends were not in the room. Snape must have sent them elsewhere to do whatever punishment he'd come up with.

Snape looked up from his desk at my approach. He was surrounded by piles of ungraded essay scrolls. He looked like utter shit. He had dark bags under his eyes and his greasy hair was even greasier than normal.

I stopped in front of his desk.

"What is it Miss Thompson?" He pushed the essay pile aside and rubbed his eyes. There were bruises on his knuckles and scratches on his forearms.

"I was wondering if I could um…" I glanced up to gauge his expression, being careful not to look him directly in the eye. He was annoyed with me, but he also looked really tired.

"I don't have all day," Snape growled out.

"Can you please assign me detention too? I feel horrible that my friends got detention because of me. I should be in detention too if that's okay."

Snape's blood shot eyes widened. "You… want me to… give you detention," he said slowly as if he was sure he'd misheard me.

I nodded. "Yes. I can clean the dungeons or scrub cauldrons. Or whatever the others are doing. It doesn't mater. Whatever you need doing?"

Something strange passed over Snape's face for a moment that I couldn't identify, and then it was gone like a mirage. Snape looked back down at the papers in front of him. His greasy hair fanned all around his face, covering his expression.

"No, Miss Thompson. You may not have detention." He vaguely gestured to the door without looking up. "You are dismissed."

I paused for a moment and then turned and walked out of the room.

It had been worth a try.

* * *

I walked down the dungeon corridor unsure of my destination. What now? I don't really want to study by myself or go to the library. I should look through the Room of Requirement again since I hadn't found the diadem yet, but I wasn't in the mood to poke dangerous objects. Was there a part of the castle I hadn't explored yet?

"Oooga booga!" A Slytherin upper year called as they passed me. Their friend walking beside them giggled.

"Oooga booga to you too!" I replied and did the finger gun salute.

Might as well own it.

Both Slytherins laughed further down the hall.

Now what to get up to? Oh! I know what to do. I've been meaning to check it out all year. Might as well bring Hermione with me too.

I walked down the corridor and took the stairs. I climbed all the way to the Gryffindor tower and paused in front of the painting of the Fat Lady.

How do you get in contact with a friend in another dorm? Can you knock? I feel like it's rude to knock on a painting. Now that I think about it, it's rude to call the Fat Lady "Fat Lady" surely she has a name...

I glanced at the plaque at the bottom of the painting.

Nope. Her title is Fat Lady. I hope these things really don't have a hint of sentience.

I stood around for a few minutes, and was luckily saved from any drastic plan by the Weasley twins climbing out of the portrait door.

They noticed me and waved.

"Hello there. Looking positively "glittering" today Miss Thompson," Fred stated with a creepy wink. I think its Fred? I recently noticed that one of the twins has a freckle on their temple that the other doesn't have. So I'm going to guess it is Fred so I don't lose my mind.

George shook his head sadly. "You never even got us back."

"We thought you had so much potential. You've really disappointed us," Fred looked at me like I was a particularly stupid puppy who had messed on the carpet again.

I rolled my eyes. "I shall cry a thousand tears and throw myself off the Astronomy Tower in my grief."

Fred laughed. "Top notch sarcasm though."

"Can you look and see if Hermione is still in there?" I asked. I tried to get a glimpse of their common room from over their shoulders.

"I'll look," Fred volunteered and stuck his head into the doorway. "GRANGER! KASEY SAYS GET YOUR ARSE OUT HERE!"

I winced. "That's… not even remotely what I said."

Fred stuck his head back out of the room. "She's coming. We're off to uh... do stuff."

"Helping the sick and uh raising money for orphans. Our usual Sunday activities," George quipped back.

I waved to the Weasley twins as they walked away. I waited a few minutes in front of the portrait hole. Several older students gave me suspicious looks as they walked in and out of the room. Eventually, Hermione walked out.

"What is it? It's study time on the schedule," Hermione said impatiently. Her wand was tucked behind her ear.

It was always study time on the schedule.

"Hello, good afternoon friend. Yes, it is nice to see you friend," I replied in a faux cheerful voice.

Hermione blushed. "Sorry, it is nice to see you."

I waved my hand dismissively. "I'm just giving you a hard time. Take a break and go on an adventure with me. I want to go meet the kitchen elves."

Hermione bit her lip. "But the schedule…"

"I edited the schedule." I dug my copy of the schedule out of my bag and handed it to her. Bathroom breaks were crossed out and replaced with the word 'ADVENTURE!'.

"But what about bathroom breaks?" Hermione asked in a way I couldn't tell if she was being serious or not.

"Sometimes going the bathroom can be an adventure?"

Hermione looked conflicted.

I nudged her shoulder. "Come on, live a little Rocket!"

Hermione smiled. "Give me a moment to put my things away." She stepped back into the room and then turned back. "And don't call me that!"

Hermione made me wait a full five minutes or 'three upper classmen ooga boogas'. I need more varied responses to that other than the finger gun salute. You can't overuse the finger gun salute or it loses its power.

"Sorry, it took me a few minutes to put all of my things away. Are we going to be long? I just started on my History of Magic notes," Hermione said, worrying her lip with her teeth.

I sighed. "You're going to be the only twelve year old with ulcers if you don't stop worrying. I'll make you deal. I'll study with you after we're done if you promise to relax for a bit?"

Hermione smiled and noticeably brightened. "Brilliant. I can do that. Studying is always much more fun with company."

Aw, Hermione you are such an adorable little dork.

I started down the hall and Hermione followed me.

"So I've been meaning to ask, that silencing spell you did awhile back was really impressive. It's way beyond our level. Did you find a book about silent casting?" I asked genuinely curious.

We weren't supposed to learn silent casting until sixth year. I definitely wanted to practice it sooner than that. Apparently, my wand wood is supposed to be really good for silent casting.

Hermione blushed and looked away. "Oh well... I can only do the silencing spell and its counter. I had to learn it out of necessity."

I'd messed around a bit with it since countering Hermione's spell. The trick seems to be enunciating words clearly inside your head. Normally, when you say something in your mind you kind of blur the words. It's kind of like when you have a song stuck in your head. You have the notion of the melody, but you don't hear every individual note as if you were really listening to it.

The last time I'd tried, I'd only managed to successfully cast two spells in an hour and it gave me a migraine afterwards. It would take a lot of practice for it to be practical.

"What happened?"

Hermione shrugged. "A few weeks ago, I was hit with the charm and had to learn how to do the counter-curse silently myself. So I decided to practice the spell and the counter until I could cast it consistently. It was no big deal."

She says that, but her face says that it was a big deal.

"Why didn't you go to a prefect or a professor?"

"I didn't want to be thought of as a snitch," Hermione muttered.

"I would have helped you. You have friends in the Spell Club that would have helped you too."

"I know but... it's not that easy to see you when you're in your common room. And besides..." Hermione's posture straightened. "I wanted to deal with it on my own. I needed too."

I suppose some independence is a good thing…?

We walked for a few minutes in companionable silence until we reached a large painting of a fruit bowl. The painting was the rough size and shape of a door. I paused in front of the painting and turned towards Hermione.

"So I'm sure that the encounter with those laundry elves has been percolating in that big brain of yours. I've been thinking about it too. Wizarding society has basically normalized slavery and that's messed up."

Hermione opened her mouth and I held up a hand so she'd let me finish.

"But, elves also get very upset if you talk about freeing them. And yeah, they're brainwashed. I agree with that, but I don't think its all brainwashing. Did you ever learn the story of the elves and the shoe maker? I know it's a Muggle tale, but I can't help but feel like there must be some truth to it. Maybe elves are naturally helpful and wizards have taken advantage of them? So I think we should go to the source and ask them directly about themselves and their history. Otherwise, we're just imposing ourselves upon them like everyone else."

"I tried to do some research in the library, but the only book in the library about elves was utter trash," Hermione replied in derision.

I checked out that book as well. I knew it was going to be garbage when I saw it was written by some Malfoy ancestor. And wow, it didn't disappoint. The entire book was a listing of what elven lines made the best servants and the physical attributes one should "encourage" among the elven lines. Gross.

"It was creepy too," I said with a grimace.

"It was dehumanizing!" Hermione exclaimed and then frowned. "I suppose that isn't the correct word to use."

I nodded. "The English language doesn't really take into account the fact that there are multiple other sentient species. The wizarding lingo doesn't either which is rather telling."

It's always refreshing getting to talk to Hermione. She's so smart it's almost like being able to talk with another adult. If we're on par now though, she's going to really surpass me in a few years if I don't really bust my ass studying.

"We'll just have to make up a new word then," Hermione said stubbornly.

Well, almost like another adult. Only kids have that stubborn naivety that they can defeat the status quo instead of already being beaten down by it.

I stood on my tiptoes and tickled the pear.

A door knob formed out of the painting. I reached down and turned it. And got shocked, AGAIN.

I glanced down and noticed my nail polish was crackling with energy.

Sonnvabitch. Is my nail polish doing this?! How is constant static shocks fun wizarding world? I'm taking this crap off later. I shook the tingles out of my hand and opened the door.

As soon as we walked fully into the room we were stopped by an elf waving a ladle.

"You kids shouldn't be in here!" The head elf said while waving her ladle at us. I assume she's the head elf anyway. She's got a fancy chef hat and she's wearing predominantly black instead of white like the rest of the elves in the kitchen.

"I'm sorry. I just had to satisfy my curiosity on how so much food could be made every day right on time! It just boggles my mind how much work it must be! And it's always so delicious! I think meals may be my favorite thing at Hogwarts!" I gushed kinda half serious. Their food really was fantastic.

The stern elf's face instantly melted into a blush and a large smile. "Oh! Thank you! We do our best. Would you girls like a snack?" The head elf snapped her fingers and a silver tray of berry tarts floated to us.

"Yes!" I said excitedly and took three.

Hermione gave me a dirty look.

Don't try to shame me girl. The answer to 'do you want a snack?' is always yes.

I stuffed a delicious berry tart into my mouth and looked around.

The elves were all wearing towels with the Hogwarts crest that had been fashioned into what looked suspiciously close to robes. Not that I was going to mention that to any of them. I'd rather not have fifty hysterical elves wielding sharp kitchen implements flailing about in panic.

The room was downright cavernous. I think it was even bigger than the Great Hall. The walls of the kitchen were covered in gleaming copper pots and pans in every size and shape. Large cauldrons as big as swimming pools were bubbling over, and the smell of fresh baking bread drifted from a brick oven the size of a small house. In the back of the room, there was a large soapy pool with a waterfall. Elf children with cute cherubic faces stood near the pool. As I watched, a plate leaped out of it like migrating salmon and an elf child grabbed it. The children giggled, waved their hands at the plate, and then the one holding it flung it to the ceiling. The plate seemed to catch in some kind of invisible conveyor belt in mid air and then began to float towards a cabinet bolted to the ceiling.

Huh, so there are elf children here too. I suppose they had to be somewhere. I see a few of the elven women have baby's strapped to their backs too.

On the wall next to me, there was a long elf-sized table and chairs. Near the table there was a large alcove flanked by rich velvet curtains. It looked like some sort of shrine? Do house elves have their own religion? The alcove also had several golden candelabras surrounding a… wait… is that? No, it can't be…

I walked over to it.

It is! Oh my God…

IT'S MY FUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY CARD!

An elf chopping carrots near me looked up and then smiled brightly when she saw where my attention was. "Oh, isn't it lovely? That's our treasure!"

Another elf kneading dough chuckled. "I wish the student had signed their name. It always brightens my day!

I think someone just punched me in the proverbial heart.

An elf with a yellow bow around her head sighed dreamily. "The nicest present we ever received!"

My face flushed blood red. "It-it is?"

The head elf shrugged. "It's also the only present we've ever received, but it's still the best!"

Scratch that. I've been punched in my actual heart.

"No one's ever thanked us before. That child must be the nicest person ever!" The carrot chopping elf declared.

Someone has German-Suplexed my heart, thrown it out of the ring into the announcer, and now we're both dead.

I looked at Hermione, at a loss.

Hermione cleared her throat and smiled. "Hi, my name is Hermione. What's yours?"

Head elf looked surprised, "Oh well… my name is Foster."

Carrot chopping elf nodded at me. "Keefe."

Bow wearing elf smiled. "Biana!"

An elf that was deep frying a large basket of chips piped up, "I'm Dex!"

Bread elf looked up from his work. He seemed a little annoyed that I was still interrupting him. "Fitz," he gruffly replied.

"Nice to meet you!" I said, intentionally cutting them off before I got more names than I could memorize. I'm terrible with names.

Hermione smiled awkwardly. "We were wondering if you'd tell us more of what you do here? You live at Hogwarts don't you?"

"Born and raised!" Keefe pounded his chest with his closed fist. "I'm proud Hogwarts stock!"

"Some of us moved here from the exchange though," Biana added shyly.

"The exchange?" Hermione asked politely.

"Oh that's when you leave the Master or Mistresses home you was born in and go to your new adult place. Some people stay, but everyone can't," Biana explained.

"Oh I'm sorry," Hermione replied.

"What's there to be sorry, Miss? Hogwarts is a wonderful place! There's so much work to do!" Biana exclaimed.

"Has Hogwarts always had house elves?" I asked curiously.

"We've been here since the beginning," Fitz replied gruffly and squinted at me. "Don't you kids have somewhere you need to be?"

"Fitz!" an elf beside Fitz smacked his arm. "Keep up that attitude and you'll be sent to the laundry!"

Fitz glared at the elf beside him, but diligently began kneading dough again.

"Where were you before that?" I pressed.

The room suddenly got uncomfortable silent.

"That was so long ago. Why do you need to know that?" Foster asked, frowning at me.

"Do you not know?" Hermione asked stubbornly.

"There's the story about the Great Tree," Fitz muttered breaking the uncomfortable silence.

Nearly all the elves turned to glare at Fitz. Even the children stopped frolicking near the soapy pool to stare.

"What's the Great Tree?" I asked.

"It's more of a story for little misbehaving elves children!" Foster waggled her ladle threateningly towards Fitz. She then turned to me and smiled again. "Not good little witches like you."

Fitz snorted.

"Behave, or we really will send you to the laundry!" Foster declared waving her ladle like a sword.

"We'd love to hear it if it's all the same," Hermione begged looking wide-eyed and innocent. I followed suit trying to give my best puppy dog eyes impression.

"It's just a myth..." Foster muttered and looked away.

"I'll tell it," Fitz said defiantly.

"Thank you!" Hermione and I said in unison.

Fitz looked up for a moment at his fellows glaring and then stared resolutely at his dough as he began his story.

"One upon a time, there was Great Tree at the edge of the forest…The tree reached far into the clouds and its branches touched each end of the forest. The People made the tree their home by partially hollowing out the trunk and building houses among its branches. They'd smear their faces with the brown sap of the tree to make hideous masks. The People used the leaves of the Great Tree to make clothes and carved dragon scales to make weapons."

An elf stirring a large pot shuddered. "Weapons! How terrible…"

Fitz pressed on, "The tree was a terrible influence on the People. It gave them everything they needed and they hardly had to work at all. Worse, the People lived there all alone without any witch or wizard masters to tell them what to do or give them orders. If they wanted to do chores, they had to make them up themselves. Sometimes, they even lounged."

An elven mother with a baby strapped to her head covered her child's ears.

"And when wise witches and wizards came asking for this and that, the terrible People would brandish their dragon scale weapons and demand a trade!" Fitz pounded the dough in front of him a tad violently.

The elf next to Fitz gasped. "Asking for payment! What barbarians!"

Fitz set aside he dough and grabbed pile to begin kneading.

"Then one day, the wonderful blue faced wizards came. They burnt down the terrible tree and taught the People their purpose. They could work for them! They could belong to them! They gave the People all sorts of wondrous tasks and chores. They never knew a dull moment. They were no longer the wicked People, they were elves."

The rest of the elves smiled, but Fitz's expression was unreadable.

"Good for them!" Biana called out cheerfully.

"They had so many chores, they'd never finish them in a lifetime. Of course, they were still some stragglers… Lazy, wicked People who didn't want to work. Didn't want the wonderful gift of purpose the blue faced wizards had given us."

The deep frying elf huffed loudly. "The ingrates!"

"There was a dreadful battle of fire and smoke when the last of the terrible People made their stand. But when the smoke cleared, the blue faced wizards had won."

Several elves cheered.

"The blue faced wizards drove off the last of the wicked People. Kind Helga Hufflepuff let some of the People live at Hogwarts where over the centuries they eventually learned to be good elves. The rest of the wicked People left the forest, never to be seen again. And the elves lived happily ever after with their wonderful masters the wizards and witches who gave the elves enough chores for a lifetime. And they're still with them to this very day."

Several elves clapped.

I stared open mouthed, not sure what to say.

Beside me, I could see Hermione blinking rapidly trying not to cry.

Foster waggled her ladle again at Fitz. "See? You scared the little Missies!"

I shook my head. "N-no. I'm fine."

Fitz went silently back to work, kneading his dough.

"We don't want to keep you any longer from your work. Would it be okay if we visited once in awhile?" Hermione asked still sounding on the edge of tears.

Foster nodded. "Sure Missy. Hogwarts elves are always here if a student needs them, especially nice little girls like you!"

Hermione grabbed my arm and dragged me out of there since I was still gaping.

After we'd walked out of the kitchen, Hermione turned toward me distraught.

"Oh this is just so… We have to do something for them!" Hermione whispered to me.

"But what?" I asked feeling utterly lost. "How do you free people who don't even believe they're people anymore?"

"I-I don't know," Hermione said and then angrily wiped tears from the corners of her eyes. "But I'm not giving up."

"We're not giving up," I replied squeezing her arm.

Hermione sniffed and smiled at me.

Stubborn naivety is apparently contagious.

* * *

Hermione and I made a halfhearted attempt to study after lunch, but I don't know how much information we actually absorbed with the maudlin mood we both were in.

I didn't see Hannah or Eloise at dinner. Throughout the entire meal, I kept imagining all sorts of terrible things Snape must have put them up to. Dinner ended and they still hadn't shown up. I got ready for bed and removed that damn lightning nail polish (my hand was still tingling) before my roommates finally came back to the dorm.

I jumped up. "Are you guys okay? Did you have to miss dinner?!"

Susan came out of the bathroom with a towel around her head. "Oh, you're back. See? They're not dead."

I guess they look fine. Kinda dirty, but fine.

"They had us cleaning the boathouse. The house elves brought us sandwiches for lunch. No one had cleaned the thing in ages," Hannah grumbled and walked to the bathroom to get cleaned up.

"But we can go to the next Spell Club meeting!" Eloise piped up and sat on the edge of her bed.

Hannah turned on the sink in the bathroom and started to wash her face and hands.

"But what about your detention?" I asked.

"He let us off!" Hannah called behind the partially open door. "He said he didn't have anything else for us to clean and we were just in the way."

Huh, that's unusual.

Eloise shrugged. "I think he felt guilty."

Hannah emerged from the bathroom and started rifling through her trunk for her pajamas. "That's preposterous, Eloise! Snape can't feel that emotion."

"I'm serious. I think some small part of him knows he was being a jerk," Eloise replied.

"I hope you're not getting a crush on him or anything," Hannah said and made a few fake gagging noises.

Eloise threw a pillow at Hannah. "Don't be disgusting!"

"Maybe he's just sick or something?" Hannah looked cheered up for a moment. "Oh, he could be dying! Wouldn't that be great news?"

"I don't want him to die. I'd rather he learn how to not be an ass," I muttered. I sighed and decided to be honest for once. "I just feel sorry for him mostly. He's a lonely bitter man with no friends."

No true ones anymore anyways. I feel like Lucius Malfoy probably talks about him behind his back.

"How do you know he hasn't got any friends?" Eloise asked curiously.

"Can you imagine anyone who'd want to be his friend?" I retorted.

"No, not really…" Eloise trailed off.

Susan looked at me skeptically. "I know Hufflepuffs are known for being nice, but I think you're both taking this empathy business a bit too far. What's next? Feeling sorry for You Know Who?"

Eloise and Hannah laughed.

Mother dies in child birth, he grew up in a horrible orphanage and then was unable to feel love because no one had ever shown him any? I don't feel any sympathy for the evil man he became, but for the baby he once was? Yeah, I do feel bad a little.

Dumbledore is beyond lucky that Harry didn't grow up to be a psychopath.

"Oh! I just remembered!" Hannah sat on the edge of her bed. "Mum said her boss was making her take a week off of work during the Easter break and she said I could invite all of you over for the week!"

"Sure, I'll ask my mum," Susan replied.

"I wasn't going home for Easter so my dad shouldn't mind," Eloise replied.

"I wasn't going home either so I'm sure mine will also say its okay. Do a lot of people go home for Easter? I got the impression it wasn't that big of a deal over here," I said.

"I don't think many people do. This is a special exception for me, too. We're not religious or anything, mum just rarely gets this much time off. Apparently, she kicked a gorgon in the face and got her leg temporarily petrified. Her boss made her take a week off while it wears off," Hannah shrugged. "We're going to have sooo much fun!"

Wait, her mom did what? Did I hear that correctly?

"Did anyone else finish the potions essay already? I can't find what country catterwoll trees originate from?" Eloise asked while getting out her Potions book.

The group moved on from the upcoming Easter holidays to homework so I pulled out some of my own homework and settled in for the night.

* * *

The first morning of Easter holidays we trudged with our overnight bags and gathered together with all the other students leaving for Easter holidays on the Hogwarts's front lawn. It wasn't a large crowd and mostly consisted of younger students. The older students must have decided to stay to study for their exams.

A carriage rolled up beside us, pulled by the invisible thestrals I still couldn't see. I peered closely at the space I knew them to be in and I think I saw the impression of a hoove in a mud puddle, but I wasn't sure.

I climbed into the carriage after the other girls had boarded and closed the door. The carriage gave a little lurch and moved forward.

Hmm, I think I can hear the faint sound of hooves on cobble stones.

Eloise sighed and looked wistfully back at the castle.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Eloise shrugged sheepishly. "Oh, I'm just a bit sad about the timing. I'm going to miss seeing Hagrid's new egg hatch. He wouldn't say what kind of creature it was. It was supposed to be a surprise. He was quite excited about it."

Oh. I'd forgotten about Norbert… I remembered that the Norbert incident had happened sometime in the spring, but I had no idea what month it was supposed to happen. I remember the books pretty well, but I don't have them memorized.

There goes another opportunity to befriend Harry. If Harry had even been invited?

I looked out the window as the carriage carried us away from Hogwarts.

It's too late now. Hagrid didn't need me and Eloise there. Ron's brother Charlie was the solution to the Norbert problem. Harry and Ron can handle it on their own.

I can't protect them from every little misadventure.


	21. Professional Badass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This chapter is going to seem filler-ish, but I swear it sets up some future plot points and characterization. As always, I love any comments and criticism you'd like to give me. Comments are the fuel I use to write.

The Hogwarts carriage stopped and we all hopped off. I shouldered my bag and followed Hannah through the small crowd of people. We were supposed to meet her mom on the platform and then she'd apparate us to Hannah's house.

I looked through the crowd of Hogwarts school uniforms and milling about adults trying to guess which one was Hannah's mom. There was a woman in a smart navy business suit and slick blonde bun that I was sure was the one, but we passed her right by.

Eventually, we stopped in front of a stout woman with short blonde hair and I couldn't help raising my eyebrows in surprise.

She was definitely not what I had pictured Hannah's mom to look like.

She wasn't an overweight woman, but she was thick as if she was accustomed to regular physical activity and the outdoors. She wore a red leather jacket, faded jeans, and had a short blonde pixie cut. A curl of purple smoke wafted off of a long cigarette hanging from her lip. The most striking thing about her was the stone foot. It wasn't just her foot that was stone either, everything from her shin down was gray granite; boot and all.

The general air of coolness was ruined when she spotted us and started waving to us like a maniac.

"Pumpkin! Over here! Over here!" Hannah's mom waved her arms again wildly drawing attention from those all around her.

Hannah looked happy but embarrassed and stopped short of her mom's outstretched arms. Hannah's mom jumped forward anyway and grabbed her daughter in a bone crunching hug.

"Pumpkin, I've missed you so much! Oh, look how you've grown!" Hannah's mom gushed and jostled Hannah around. It kind of reminded me of someone being mauled by a bear.

"MMfflloomum," Hannah said muffled by her mom's hug.

Eventually, Hannah's mother set her down and turned toward us.

"Hello, Susan. Your father said he would try to come to dinner sometime this week if he can. He's still covering for me at the office so I don't know if he'll be able to get away," Hannah's mom said and gave Susan a lesser version of her bear mauling hug.

"Thanks for inviting us to stay for the week, Samantha," Susan replied cheerfully after Hannah's mom had released her.

Samantha turned towards me and Eloise, and I couldn't help but take a cautious step back.

"And you are Kasey and Eloise?" Samantha asked enthusiastically and held out her hand. She had Hannah's bright cornflower blue eyes.

Eloise shook her hand and I followed suit. Samantha had calloused palms and a ridiculously strong handshake.

"It's nice to meet you ma'am," I said politely. I opened and closed my hand a few times to get the feeling to come back into it.

"Hello," Eloise squeaked beside me.

"All right you lot, are you ready to go?" Samantha asked. We all nodded. "Good. I'll be apparating you in groups of two. Hannah and Susan, I'll take you first since you're used to it. The other two of you are Muggleborn? Never apparated before?"

Eloise and I nodded.

"I'll take you girls second then. Then I can deal with the vomit all at once," Samantha replied cheerfully and linked arms with Hannah and Susan. There was a loud CRACK and Samantha was gone.

Vomit? Oh great…

Samantha reappeared an instant later.

"Give me your arms," Samantha commanded. I moved my bag to my other shoulder and linked arms with her. Eloise did the same. "Now look to the side… no not my side the side away from my face. It's much too early in the day to get vomit in my hair. And we're off!"

The world blurred around me and suddenly I was being squeezed on all sides. It was like I was stuck in the straw of a giant's milkshake and stuck halfway. I couldn't breathe. Everything was dark. It was cold. I was coming up with weird metaphors involving giants. How long was this going to-

The world pop backed into existence and I immediately vomited all over my shoes.

"Get it all out. The first time's the worst! A few more times and you won't even vomit at all!" Samantha exclaimed while patting my back.

I blinked, feeling slightly dizzy. Beside me, Eloise was throwing up too. I blinked again and my vision solidified.

"All done? Good, now let's get rid of this," Samantha said and waved her wand. The vomit vanished.

I bent back up and looked around. We were in a very normal living room. Hannah had said she lived in a small town somewhere in Hertfordshire… Although, we might as well be in the Land of Oz for as much as I know about England's geography. I really need to get a map.

It was small by American standards, but it was nicely furnished and had a beige couch and television. Generic pastoral pictures lined the walls and I could see a kitchen down a short hallway that had a stove and a large fridge. It was all very normal. There wasn't even a fireplace for the floo.

"Sorry, for um, vomiting in your house," I apologized awkwardly.

"It wasn't the first time I've cleaned up vomit and it won't be the last. What do you think of our home?" Samantha asked curiously.

"It's uh, very nice?" I responded politely. What a weird question to ask a kid.

"Surprisingly normal right?" Samantha asked and seemed very interested in our opinion for some reason.

"Err yes. I wouldn't have suspected someone magical lives here," Eloise responded hesitatingly.

For some reason this seemed to really please Samantha. "I knew I did an excellent job decorating! My husband said I went with too many doilies and lacy bits, but Muggles love their doilies and lacy bits don't' they?"

"Uh, yes?" I responded uncertainly.

"Mum, stop harassing my friends," Hannah responded from the kitchen. I looked into the hallway. Hannah was… standing inside the refrigerator? Her head was poking through the open top freezer door.

I walked over to the kitchen.

Hannah was indeed inside the refrigerator. It looked like her severed head was suspended in the freezer next to a tub of icecream. The effect was really unnerving.

"This is just the Muggle side of the house. We keep it up for when Papa has Muggle friends over. My real bedroom is downstairs," Hannah's disembodied head said.

I opened the bottom door of the refrigerator. The illusion faded away like smoke and revealed Hannah standing at the top of a set of wooden steps.

"You can leave your stuff in the kitchen. Mum says you'll be staying in our fake Muggle bedrooms on the top floor. Come on! Let me show you the real house!" Hannah exclaimed and started down the steps.

I dropped my bag in the kitchen and went after Hannah. I had to take two steps at a time to keep up. Eloise ran down the steps after me.

Now, this looked much more like a wizarding house.

We were in a large stone kitchen. A long solid looking wooden table was in the middle of the room laden down with random potion ingredients. There was an elaborate stone fireplace on the far wall that was large enough to use as a floo. Next to the fireplace was a bubbling cauldron that was large enough to bathe in. And in fact, there was a set of steps and a ledge right next to it like someone might have been doing just that. Although, I wouldn't want to. The green bubbly liquid inside smelled like moldy cheese.

Along the walls were large bay windows showing a picturesque field of flowers even though I knew we must be underground. Several hallways led off to other rooms.

"Mum, don't leave your gross foot things laying about when we have company," Hannah scolded.

Samantha came down the steps awkwardly. Her stone foot made loud "clunks" as she slowly descended the steps. When she got to the bottom, she turned towards Hannah. "I need to soak my foot three times a day to get it back to normal. I'm not bothering to put the ingredients up," Samantha explained and then grinned. "I'm sure I can trust you girls not to stick your fingers in it or try to eat it."

Hannah looked scandalized. "We're not babies mum!"

Samantha laughed and ruffled Hannah's hair.

"Pumpkin, I'll be in my office doing paperwork if you need me. Your father said he'd bring takeout on the way home." Samantha regarded the rest of us for a moment. "Do you girls like Chinese?"

Oh my god. I haven't had Chinese food since being thrown into another dimension. And wizards getting Chinese take out seems really odd, but I'm not going to complain.

"I don't like Chinese so much as love it and would marry it if given the chance," I responded enthusiastically.

Eloise agreed with me and Susan just shrugged.

"Good enough for me. Don't get into too much trouble girls," Samantha called out as she walked away.

Once Samantha was gone, I turned toward Hannah with a smirk. "So "pumpkin" huh?"

Hannah wrinkled her nose and just said, "Ugh."

Susan grinned viciously. "It's because her head was shaped like a pumpkin when she was born."

"It was not!" Hannah glared at Susan and then continued, "When I was four my favorite color was orange and so I… accidentally mind you… turned myself orange."

"There are pictures!" Susan added gleefully.

"Ugh," Hannah said and winced.

Eloise patted her arm. "It's okay. We all did embarrassing magical things as a kid. I made a sheep fly once when I was seven. My dad had to tie a rope around its leg and tie it down like a balloon."

The girls giggled and I couldn't help laughing too. Eloise's poor dad. Wrangling a panicking sheep balloon couldn't have been easy. How do Muggleborn parents cope? Was that how he found out magic existed?

"Come on, let me show you my room!" Hannah called out and bounded across the room.

* * *

Hannah's room was just what I thought it would be: a sea of pink and orange sparkles, ruffles, and fluffy stuffed animals. The magically animated stuffed animals were unnerving. Although, I shouldn't have been surprised. Wizards seemed to enjoy animating things that have no business pretending to have a brain. I swear their creepy doll eyes followed me around the room...waiting with malice to go all Chucky on me. I was relieved when we finally got called upstairs for dinner.

"Come back and play with usssss!" A well worn teddy bear and a fancy Victorian looking doll called out as we walked out of the room and back up the steps for dinner. The doll's head was cocked at an awkward angle and the teddy bear's black soulless eyes were slightly out of socket.

I resisted the urge to push on Eloise's back and make her take the steps faster.

"Stay forever and play with ussss!" The doll pleaded from the entryway of Hannah's room.

I reached the landing and shut the door with a sigh of relief. The other girls seemed unaffected for some reason. The fools.

Hannah sat down at the kitchen table. "Mum, give my old dolls to my younger cousin Audre. I'm too old for them now."

Good idea. Before they steal your soul while you're asleep…

Samantha's paused in setting down plates and silverware. "Are you sure? Even Mr. Tiddlywinks?"

Hannah blushed and Susan snickered.

"If um… she doesn't want him I'm sure keeping one is fine. For nostalgia. But the rest have to go," Hannah muttered still blushing bright red.

Go straight into a fire more like.

"You're breaking your mum's heart," Samantha said and ruffled Hannah's hair.

Hannah batted her hand away. "Stop it mum. I'm not a little child anymore."

I heard the front door open.

"Papa's home!" Hannah exclaimed and ran out of the kitchen.

Yep. You're such a calm mature adult Hannah.

A few moments later, Hannah emerged on the arm of… wow.

A beautiful man.

Hannah's dad had slick black hair, a manly three o'clock shadow, steely brown eyes, and filled out a very expensive looking immaculate dark blue suit nicely. The guy was just… beautiful. But not in a feminine way. He was man beautiful. Manly handsome? No, manly beautiful. That's what I'm going with.

"Ah, these are Hannah's new friends we've heard so much about?" Hannah's dad asked and extended his hand to me. "Nice to meet you. I'm Darren Abbot."

I mutely shook his hand.

So… man pretty…

Darren extended his hand to Eloise and she managed to eek out a squeak that may or may not have been "hello".

I tore my eyes away and tried not to stare. I didn't want to get caught checking out one of my friends' dad no matter how beautiful of a man he was. But seriously, he could be a movie star or something. Or in a fancy male cologne ad with those dark brown eyes and chiseled jaw line… Ugh, stop thinking about it!

"This is Kasey and Eloise," Hannah pointed to us and then took the takeout bags from her father.

The food was served and I focused on eating while Hannah chattered on to her parents about Hogwarts and her studies.

The Chinese food was…different. I'd forgotten that American Chinese food was well… _Americanized._ So it made sense that the Chinese food here would be Britishized. It wasn't bad food per se, it was just kind different to what I was used to. Maybe a little blander? No General Tso's chicken either, but that often tasted different depending on where you got it even in America.

I made sure to eat the same amount as my friends. Being polite and eating whatever you're served when you were at a friend's house had been ingrained into me by my mom at a young age.

Still… It made me feel off. I guess I wasn't expecting the lack of General Tso's chicken of all things to make me feel homesick.

Hannah said something to me, and I pulled myself together mentally.

"Sorry, what was that?" I asked and focused back on the dinner conversation.

"I said, did you know that Papa is a tailor on Savile Row?" Hannah bragged.

I sensed I was supposed to know where that is and be impressed, so I opened my mouth and went, "Oooooh."

Eloise went "ooooh" a second later so that must have been the right move.

"Important Muggles get their suits made at Papa's shop. He's made suits for Muggle actors, rich business men, and even the royal family. Papa's met several dukes. He even..." Hannah paused for dramatic effect. "Met the Duke of Edinburgh once."

Eloise and even Susan went "ooh" so I added my "ooh" a second later.

Susan looked at me knowingly and then leaned down and whispered, "That's the Queen's husband."

"Oooh," I said, genuinely this time.

Darren chuckled, "While I do appreciate a good spot of bragging, I have never met him. We only received his measurements." He smirked. "I did sew a pair of his trousers though."

"So what do your parents do for a living?" Darren asked me and Eloise.

"My family owns a sheep farm in Cumbria," Eloise answered.

"My parents work with computers. They're programmers and um, consultants," I replied vaguely.

"Oh? We've been working on digitizing our ordering system and stock. What company do they work for?" Darren asked.

Fuuuuuck.

"Innovative Technology Solutions. It's their own company," I heard my mouth say without consulting my brain.

Innovative Technology Solutions! Don't you dare forget brain! Fuck, I'm going to have to sneak off and write it down. When I get nervous my brain might as well be a metal sieve. I've got to drag this conversation elsewhere.

"So, what happened to your foot?" I asked randomly.

I saw my friends' eyebrows hit their hairline and I realized I was being 'that rude, blunt American girl' again.

Samantha surprised me though. Instead of being insulted, she cackled loudly like a Muggle Halloween witch display and then swung her leg up right on top of the dinner table with a THUD.

"Kicked a gorgon in the face." Samantha gestured to her leg and I gave up all pretense of politeness and got up to ogle it up close. Eloise and Susan jumped up and came over too. Hannah stayed seated and kept eating her steamed broccoli.

Hmm, if I remember correctly, gorgons are eight foot tall lizard-like people that live in the interconnected series of tunnels and underground cities that are collectively referred to as "The Underground". They get in territorial fights with dwarves and goblins. They can turn people permanently to stone with a look. Medusa from the Muggle myth was a gorgon? I don't know much more than that though.

"So why aren't you uh…" I trailed off. 'Why aren't you dead?' seemed too rude to ask someone at their own dinner table, even by my low standards.

"Dead?" Samantha finished for me. She seemed pretty nonchalant about the whole thing.

"Uh, yeah…" I answered awkwardly. I glanced over at Hannah, but she seemed to be determined to ignore us in favor of her food.

"It was not for lack of trying on the gorgon's part. Got between her and a particularly unruly dwarf. There was a bit of a smuggling problem going on." Samantha shrugged and then started filling her plate again with food.

"So Gorgon's don't automatically kill you?" I asked.

"She didn't hit me head-on. Gorgons can only petrify parts they can see. All she saw was my boot when I kicked her in the face." Samantha took her foot off the dinner table. "Took me out of commission for awhile though. Bit annoying."

"Wait… gorgons are really tall. How did you kick one in the face?" I asked curiously.

Samantha grinned evilly. "I jumped."

So Hannah's mom was like, a professional badass? Cool.

"How high can you jump?! And how? Is it a spell?" I asked excitedly. Was there a super jump spell? Oooh, I hope there's a super jump spell!

Hannah gave me a dirty look.

Sorry, Hannah. But… super jump spell… I have to know.

"Oh, about six meters or so." Samantha laughed. "I try not to go too high though. It's hell on the knees."

Six meters?! That's… probably pretty high? Damn American education system! I'm still terrible with the metric system! That's probably affecting my Potion's grade now that I think about it…

"What's the name of the super jump spell? Is it hard? Can you show us?" I leaned forward eagerly.

"It's not a super jump spell." Samantha pulled back the sleeves of her shirt to reveal thick metal bracelets on each hand. The silver bracelets had runes carved into their surface that I didn't recognize.

I looked up at her quizzically.

"It's super strength," Samantha admitted with a grin.

"Oooohhh," I said loudly, enthralled.

Oliver's head is going to explode when I tell him about this.

"These are called Herculean bracers. They've been passed down from mother to daughter for generations in our family. They give the wearer strength far beyond any normal person. You can jump higher, punch harder—"

"Break things," Darren interrupted with amusement.

Samantha looked sheepish. "I may have had… mishaps on occasion."

"Mum keeps accidently ripping the front door off of its hinges. She's going to give our old Muggle neighbor a heart attack someday," Hannah added.

"Someday, they'll be yours Hannah," Samantha said.

I glanced over at Hannah. She seemed unimpressed.

How she could be unimpressed with freaking SUPER STRENGTH GAUNTLETS I have no idea. Lucky. All the coolest things are family heirlooms. The only thing I was set to inherit was a large collection of Precious Moments figurines and those were in another dimension.

"Oh, so something like that probably isn't for sale anywhere," I said disappointed.

"No, not unless you look on the black market," Samantha said and shrugged.

"So where would one find the black market? Hypothetically?" I asked.

"Ha, you're a cute kid." Samantha laughed and ruffled my hair.

I didn't think it was actually a place. Probably. Although, knowing the wizarding world I wouldn't be surprised if it was an actual market that's painted black located on a street named Evil Alley.

The conversation drifted back to more mundane topics like school work and Quidditch. Eventually, we were done eating and we went back to Hannah's room to hang out before retiring for the night. I was put up in Hannah's parent's fake bedroom.

It was a very impersonal room. I could tell they didn't really use it as their actual bedroom. It felt like a hotel room except for all of the lacy doilies.

There really was an excessive amount of doilies.

* * *

The first couple days of vacation were pretty relaxing overall. I'd convinced/harassed my friends into finishing our homework on the first day so it wouldn't loom over us for the rest of our time off. We then read, listened to the wireless, played cards, took a walk around the neighborhood (there wasn't much to see), and even went to a Muggle movie with Hannah's mom. Hannah's parents took her to the movies regularly so she was unimpressed, but Susan was a bit wide-eyed through the whole experience.

I hope she doesn't base her opinion on Muggle cinema solely on her experience with Fern Gully…

Halfway through the holiday week, we decided to spend some time outside in the garden. English backyards were tiny, but at least we were getting fresh air. I was starting to feel a little cooped up. Currently, we were all sitting around just… loitering mostly.

"Why is your neighbor staring at us?" Eloise whispered to Hannah.

Hannah's neighbor was peering at us from across the street. I could clearly see the old lady's long nose poking through a slit in her living room curtains.

"She does that. Just ignore her. Nosey old crone," Hannah muttered and continued to braid my hair.

Does she not realize we could see her?

"She's not being subtle," Susan said and stared right back at her.

"I feel like we should be doing something delinquent like smoking or giving each other prison tattoos," I commented idly.

"I want a unicorn tattoo," Eloise said playing along.

"I've seen how well you draw. I'm not letting you give me a tattoo," Susan quipped.

"Fine. I shouldn't give myself any identifying marks anyways just in case I need to run away from the law someday," I joked.

Hannah's mom ironically walked out of the back door at that moment. She was balancing a tray of tea in her hand and had a quaffle under her arm.

"I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that," Samantha said and sat the tea tray down on a small stone outdoor table. Her foot currently looked like it was in a cast instead of being made of stone. She must have cast an illusion spell before coming out.

"Hide the contraband! It's the cops!" I stage whispered.

Eloise giggled.

I eyed the tea tray with trepidation. It looks like I was going to have to stomach some horrible dirty weed water again. I knew better than to refer to tea as "dirty weed water" out loud, though. Last time I did, I thought my friends were going to get me deported.

"Do you want to throw around the old quaffle, Hannah?" Samantha asked, tossing the ball back and forth between her hands.

Unlike the rest of the Quidditch balls/gear, the quaffle didn't do anything magical, so you could get away with tossing it around in your Muggle neighborhood garden.

"No, thanks. I just did my nails. Besides, Quidditch isn't really my thing mum," Hannah said dismissively and "braided" my hair again. I feel like she's just putting knots in it.

Samantha's face fell. "You used to love the Chudley Cannons."

Wow, the Cannons? Even I know they're lame.

"That was ages ago. The Chudley Cannons are terrible mum. They're practically cursed," Hannah said thoughtlessly.

"Oh…" Samantha muttered looking disappointed. She sat the quaffle down.

I wonder if the Chudley Cannons are actually cursed? I know that it's possible to curse a concept such as when Voldemort cursed the Defense Against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts. Dark witches and wizards aren't usually focused on vengeance against a sports team, but there's no reason they couldn't be…

"So what are you doing?" Samantha asked.

Hannah gave her annoyed look. "I'm braiding hair."

She's mostly pulling it and ratting it up really.

Samantha sat beside us. "Ah. Do you want me to braid your hair?"

Hannah shrugged. "I already styled my hair."

"Oh," Samantha said awkwardly.

Jeez, Hannah. Let your mom hang out with you. You haven't seen her all year. You never know when she might not be there anymore…

"Actually, would you be willing to show all of us the proper way to hold a wand in a duel? I tried to go over it at Spell Club, but I think I don't have it quite right. Hannah's technique was really good," I asked.

Hannah sat up a little straighter at the praise.

Samantha glanced over at her neighbor. I could see the curtains were still barely opened.

"We're not exactly in a Muggle free place right now," Samantha said.

"I know we can't use the real thing but we could break off sticks from the bush over there? I know your neighbor is watching us, but what is she going to do? Call the police because a bunch of twelve year olds and a mom are waving sticks in their own backyard?" I reasoned.

"Ha! That's true." Samantha stood up and grinned. "Might as well give the old bird something to gawk at. After having a spot of tea, of course."

Nooo! I thought I had distracted her from the tea!

We took a break and Samantha served the tea to each of us. I managed to choke down the dirty weed water with a straight face. No matter how much or how little sugar I put in it, or what type of tea it is, or whether it is hot or cold… I always hate it.

Afterwards, we gathered up a few wand-sized sticks and stood around in the garden in our best dueling stances. Samantha took turns correcting our wand hand and posture.

I wonder if the neighbor thinks she's showing us the proper way to knife someone.

When Samantha came to me, her eyes narrowed. I looked up apprehensively.

"That's not a bad dueling stance, but unless you're planning on joining the International Dueling League… even though it's banned in England, America is still part of it… I wouldn't bother," She said and adjusted my arm to put it closer to my body. "Dueling assumes you're fighting another wizard with only spells, but in a real fight in the real world you're not going to be standing in front of one another exchanging spells. You're going to be dodging and weaving. Your opponent is going to be using the terrain against you or even to attack you. You might not be fighting a wizard at all."

So this is why Voldemort thought he had to kill her… She was a woman who knew what she was doing and wasn't afraid of being pushed around. She would not have stood for the travesties the Ministry inflicted upon innocent people in Harry's seventh year.

In _my_ seventh year…

Samantha adjusted my elbow. I concentrated and tried to memorize my stance.

"Keep your arm closer to your body. You want to remain mobile. Never assume you're not going to get attacked physically. Witches and wizards really underestimate physical attacks. I can't count the amount of times I've had to chuck a rock at someone's head. Never underestimate the effectiveness of rocks," Samantha mused.

I took her words and tried to engrave them into my soul. Hit people with rocks? I could hit people with rocks.

"Thank you," I said sincerely.

Samantha moved on to Hannah. She made one small correction on the angle of her wrist, but for the most part Hannah seemed to have it down already.

"Spell Club sounds like a lot of fun. I'm really proud of you for taking the initiative and learning new spells outside of class," Samantha said to Hannah.

Hannah blushed. "It was Kasey's idea to begin with. It's been fun though. The fire starting spell you taught me did come in handy during spell club."

Hannah gave the rest of us a 'look'. I didn't have to attempt Legilimency to see she was thinking 'do NOT say anything about the spiders'.

"That's wonderful," Samantha exclaimed and smiled brightly.

Aww, that's cute.

I'm glad I got them to connect a bit on our vacation. You can't take your loved ones for granted. One day, you'll turn around and want to talk to them, or tell them about your day, or get a hug… and they won't be there. Or maybe you won't be there. You never know.

I looked over at Hannah and her mom and felt a pang deep inside myself that I quickly squashed back down. It was useless to dwell or to wonder what I'd left behind. Even if part of me had been pretending like I was just off at school and would be going home like the rest of my friends at the end of the term.

Lots of adults leave home and move far away. My situation wasn't that different really.

More dirty weed water was trotted out. After we'd drank the tea, Samantha showed us the proper way to kick someone in the face by balancing precariously on her good leg and jumping a reasonable distance. Then we were suddenly getting into random physical auror drills and wrestling moves for some reason. I got to impress Samantha by the fact that I already knew how to do a proper blood choke. Hannah ended up breaking a nail. It was an amazing afternoon.

I hope their neighbor was thoroughly entertained.

* * *

The last night at Hannah's home we had a slumber party.

Which was kind of weird, since we'd been sleeping in the same room for months at school anyways. We'd essentially been having slumber parties. However, once I'd made the half-joking suggestion, Eloise was buzzing with excitement. Slumber parties were something she'd seen in American movies and read about in tween books (I suspected she'd partaken in the eldritch abomination that was "The Baby-Sitters Club") and I was supposed to be the expert.

"What do we need for this American Muggle ritual?" Susan asked skeptically.

"We need popcorn, junk food, makeup and hair brushes, board games, and sleeping bags? Oh, and scary movies?"

"We've got a tele, but it isn't connected to anything," Hannah said.

"We can get by without the movies. Then we all eat the junk food, give each other makeovers, play board games, and uh sleep on the floor," I explained.

"Sleep on the floor? We have beds!" Susan exclaimed.

"Sleeping on the floor is the most important part!" Eloise insisted.

I thought I was supposed to be the expert?

"If you say so…" Susan said, clearly not convinced.

"We also gossip about boys," Eloise added.

That seemed to win Hannah over.

"I'll see what snacks I can gather up!" Hannah responded enthusiastically.

Fifteen minutes later, Hannah had scrounged up some popcorn, several bottles of butterbeer, a plate of chocolate chip cookies, and a bag of Muggle potato chips that made me nearly burst into tears of joy when I saw them.

They had orange powdered cheese on them. Beautiful. Orange. Powdered. Cheese.

We arranged our sleeping bags on the floor in Hannah's wizarding living room. The wizarding living room wasn't that different from a Muggle one except it had a large radio instead of a tele and a couch that transformed depending on what you asked of it.

Yelling things at the couch was super fun.

"Sectional!" I called out and with a small 'poof' of magical smoke, a different couch stood in its place. "Camelback!" Poof. "Wingback!" Poof. "Chesterfield!" Poof. "Bridgewater!" Poof. "Chaise!" Poof. "Settee!"

"You know a lot about couches," Susan commented idly.

Once upon a time, I had spent a lot of time in Ikea.

"Fort!" I called out on a whim and was delighted to see the couch transform itself into an intricate pillow fort. I looked at the other girls seriously. "Pillow fort is an essential slumber party item. We must never change this."

And so we didn't. We dragged our snacks underneath the couch fort and moved on to doing makeovers. Eloise volunteered to do my makeup first. The results were… less than stellar.

I held a hand mirror up to my face and squinted at the makeover Eloise had given me.

She'd went pretty heavy on the blue eyeshadow and blush. I looked like a deranged clown.

Eloise looked up at me hopefully. "Do you like it?"

"Eh, I think you went a little heavy on the makeup," I answered honestly. Eloise frowned. "No don't go all gloomy on me. It just takes practice." I took the makeup case from her hands. "Let me do yours and I'll show you what I mean."

I applied a reasonable amount of makeup to Eloise's face using my twenty odd years of experience. I was no fancy Youtube tutorial, but I was competent enough. I wish I had a few more foundation products in Eloise's skin tone, though. The palette had some, but most of Hannah's makeup was for pretty fair skin. I wonder if you can create makeup with nozular paint that we used in Potion's class a few weeks ago?

I did the best with what I had, then handed Eloise back the mirror.

"Oh, it looks so good!" Eloise exclaimed in surprise.

Hannah scooted closer to us on the floor and peered at Eloise's face. "It actually does."

"Huh," Susan said also peering at Eloise's face.

Don't look so surprised guys.

"Of course it does. I'm good at everything I do on the first try," I stated with false bravado.

I dodged the throw pillow Susan threw at me.

"It's practice obviously!" I explained. Nearly twenty more years of it. "You want makeup to look like you're not wearing much makeup even if it took forever to apply. Then you can be all falsely modest when people ask you about it." I held my hand over my mouth and attempted to do an impression of a delicate Victorian socialite. "Oh this? I just put it together in a few minutes. I'm just such a laidback girl! Oh ho ho ho!"

Susan raised an eyebrow. "You laugh like a villain."

"Do mine next!" Hannah begged excitedly.

I spent the next half hour giving my friends reasonable makeovers. Then I felt rather plain in their company, so I redid my own makeup as well. In doing so, I added about three years to their looks. The results kind of bummed me out. Don't grow up so fast girls…

"Board games next?" Eloise asked cheerfully.

"I've got Magical Dream Date?" Hannah suggested.

Susan groaned. "Not that dumb thing again."

"Kasey and Eloise haven't played it. It'll be fun," Hannah responded stubbornly and went up to get the game.

The "Magical Dream Date" game was vaguely familiar in that I'd played many terrible games like it as a young girl. Tiny miniature "boyfriend" figures stood behind screens on a tiny little stage and then asked each of us questions. It even had a tiny little spotlight and announcer voice. The boyfriends shuffled around the screens depending upon our answers. Once all the questions were done, the screens came up and dramatically revealed who was your destined "magical date".

The color and aesthetics of the game reminded me of the 1970s. The box of the game looked a little worn as well. Was this a hand me down?

Hannah answered some of the questions suspiciously quickly. I think she was trying to rig the game.

I looked askance over at her. "Hannah, do you have the questions memorized?"

"I'm speaking directly from my heart," Hannah replied loftily.

That wasn't a no…

After an exhaustive and sometimes baffling array of questions (why would my favorite color even matter?), we were ready for the "boyfriend reveal" final part of the game.

The figures shuffled behind the screens that corresponded to our chosen color, and the dramatic music kicked up a notch.

"And your magical dream date is….!" The announcer called out and the little curtains were pulled up.

A tiny man figurine in suspenders, a bow tie, starched white shirt, and pocket protector walked out of the screen in front of me. He pushed his thick glasses up his nose and waved enthusiastically at me.

"Ha! You got the nerd!" Hannah laughed. Susan snickered a little bit and I could see Eloise out of the corner of my eye trying to maintain a straight face.

He didn't look that bad really. He just dressed badly. I bet he's very successful at life. I shoved a handful of delicious orangey chips into my mouth idly.

"He's looks like he has a very stable job. I bet he's got an excellent 401(k)," I said around a mouthful of cheesy potato chips.

"I have an outstanding stock portfolio!" the tiny nerd figurine proclaimed proudly.

The other girls looked confused.

Who made this weird game?

"Never mind. I bet he's a sweet person. That's all that matters in the end," I declared, feeling a desire to defend all nerds everywhere.

"I bet you are great at cleaning the house and making me sandwiches!" the nerd figurine exclaimed.

I picked up the little man and unceremoniously stuffed him back into the box.

Hannah turned toward Susan. "I'll trade you my Quidditch player for your guitarist?"

"Done!" Susan declared eagerly.

A tiny figurine in a leather jacket, jeans, and goatee carrying a tiny guitar shuffled over to Hannah.

"She never understood my music anyways," the tiny guitarist muttered angrily.

The Quidditch player wearing full Quidditch gear of red and gold bounded over to Susan heartily. He was carrying a tiny trophy.

I glanced over at Eloise's figurine. Her magical dream date looked very normal. He had a polo shirt on and was carrying a bouquet of flowers. He gave me boy next door vibes.

"Mine doesn't seem that bad," Eloise said and smiled at the tiny little figurine in front of her.

"Here's some roses! Let's go on a picnic! I like to wear khaki shorts on the weekend!" the boy next door figurine said blandly.

Ouch. So basic.

"The Quidditch player is the best," Susan declared.

The Quidditch player did a few sit-ups and then winked at her.

"He'd have the least amount of time to spend with you," I argued. Professional athletes spent a lot of time on the road.

Susan stuck her tongue out at me and declared, "Not unless I'm also on the team."

Touché Susan. Touché.

"I may have the World Cup, but the biggest treasure I have won… is your heart!" the Quidditch figurine declared loudly. He had a sexy Spanish accent for some reason.

Susan laughed and started dismantling the stage. "Sure sure. Now get back into your box until we decide to play with you again."

Susan scooped up the figurines and haphazardly dumped them into the cardboard box. Hannah threw in the stage with the same amount of care and then shut the lid drowning out the tiny figure's declarations of love. After she had set it back on the shelf, I could still hear some faint muffled squeaky voices.

This is super disturbing. Like… deep down in my soul disturbing.

Huh.

"Gossip time!" Hannah squealed drowning out the squeaky voices.

"What are we going to gossip about?" Eloise asked and got situated in her sleeping bag next to the pillow fort.

I'm tempted to suggest 'the nature of sentience' and 'what constitutes existence' but there was half a bag of delicious chips left and I didn't want to get distracted.

I reached in and grabbed another handful of chips and stuffed them in my mouth.

The girls of course, decided that the topic would be boys.

"I'm so over Harry. He's a bit too gloomy most of the time," Hannah declared.

"Not into that tragic orphan thing he's got going on, huh?" I asked managing to keep a straight face.

Susan, bless her, grabbed the proverbial baton I was holding and ran with it. "Poor guy, abandoned when he needed you the most. Forced to go through life all alone."

"Poor Harry. How will he survive you fake breaking up with him? Your imaginary relationship meant so much to him," I added.

"He might have to fake cry," Eloise said and then held her hand over mouth like she'd not meant to say it out loud.

Hannah was turning red, but I could tell she wasn't actually mad.

"Perhaps our relationship is a bit one-sided," Hannah conceded.

Or consisted mostly of you just staring at him sometimes like a creepo.

"Is there anyone you fancy, Eloise?" Hannah asked turning to the curly haired girl.

"Eh?" Eloise looked startled at having been singled out. "I don't know… um… If I had to pick… Neville?"

Aww, cute. I could see that. They could get married and then invite me to their adorable dinner parties.

But they're all much too young for boyfriends.

"Neville? Really?" Hannah asked skeptically.

Eloise shrugged. "He's nice."

"My crush didn't answer my letter," Susan confessed.

"Are you finally going to admit who it was?" Hannah asked.

"Don't tell anyone, but it was Connor Malloy," Susan admitted.

"That Irish bloke on the Quidditch team?" Hannah asked.

Susan nodded.

"He does have nice eyes," Hannah acknowledged.

"He's two years older than me, though. He must think I'm too young for him," Susan conceded.

You're too young for a boyfriend period…

"His loss. How can you even see Connor with Cedric Diggory on the same team?" Hannah asked and sighed dreamily.

"If I could pick anyone, I'd pick Cedric Diggory," Susan declared and sighed. "He's out of my league, but he's got such nice hair. I almost hit the goalpost last practice because the sun was hitting his hair just so."

Nice to know my one of my friend's life hinges on a teen boy's hair.

"What about you Kasey?" Hannah turned towards me and I could see the glint of revenge in her eyes. "What boy do you fancy? We know multiple boys already fancy you."

"It wasn't multiple boys. One of the cards was a joke. And I don't really fancy anyone," I insisted.

"But if you have to pick someone, who would it be?" Susan asked.

"Uh…" I said stalling. If I had to choose someone to be a creepster about, who would it be? Ugh, I hate this conversation. "How about…" My mind grasped an idea. "Hannah's dad."

Susan cackled. "Me too!"

"What?! Eww!" Hannah shouted.

Eloise fell over in a fit of giggles.

"He could be a Muggle actor," Eloise added.

Susan was doubled over laughing and holding her sides.

"It's not funny! All of you are gross!" Hannah looked like she'd taken a drink of spoiled milk.

I started to laugh too.

Hannah threw a pillow at my head.

I threw one back at her.

And the great pillow fight had begun. Topic sneakily averted. I am the Slytherin of Hufflepuffs!

* * *

After the pillow fight ran down, we spent some time painting each other's nails. Then we ate some more snacks, listened to the wireless, and eventually turned the lights off to settle down for the night. But like any good slumber party, we kept talking in the dark. The topic came back to accidental underage magic we'd performed when we were kids.

"I turned our cat into a lion when I was five. I think we'd just went to the zoo a few days before? My poor mum had to hide with me in the bedroom until father came home," Susan said.

"That's kind of terrifying actually," I muttered and tried to get a potato chip out of the bag in the dark.

I saw Susan shrug in the dim light. "I don't think he realized he'd been transformed. Dad found him sitting in front of his food bowl meowing that it was empty." Susan turned towards me. "What about you?"

"I never did much that I remember. I uh, exploded something once. I'd half convinced myself there was another explanation for it until I got my Hogwarts letter," I said carefully.

Good, none of that was technically a lie.

"What did you explode?" Eloise asked.

Fine. I guess I do have to lie.

"A large hill of gravel. There was a place that sold gravel near our home back in the states. I wasn't supposed to play in it, but I snuck over there when they weren't open because it was fun to slide down it and I kind of… fell into it. I couldn't breathe and panicked and then the gravel just exploded freeing me," I said and shuddered. It was still mostly the truth.

I still have nightmares about slipping into that gold pile…

"Did the Muggles find out?" Hannah asked.

"I don't know, I didn't stick around to find out," I said.

At least, it was a half truth.

"Your story is so much more serious," Susan commented.

"And setting a lion loose in your house wasn't? Your poor mother," I countered.

"And she decided to have three more after me. I love my mum, but she's gone a bit nutters I think," Susan joked.

Hannah sat up. "Three?!"

Susan sighed. "Yes, three. I got a letter from home right before we left. My mum is having twins. There will be three screaming babies in my house this summer."

"Oh! You can dress them up in matching outfits!" Hannah squealed.

Susan groaned in despair. "I will never forgive all of you if you don't invite me over at some point so I can escape."

"Do you really hate babies that much, Susan? I love babies. They're so cute!" Hannah gushed.

Susan rolled over to her side and rested her chin on her hand. "I don't hate my little brother. I just wish he smelled better. I'm sure once he starts talking he'll be a lot less annoying. And you just love babies because you've never been around them."

"I'd make a great mom or baby sitter," Hannah declared with confidence.

Susan raised one eyebrow. "Then come over this summer and watch my siblings with me. I dare you."

"I will!" Hannah exclaimed.

Oh ho. A dark covenant has been struck.

Hannah laid back down and stared at the ceiling. "When I grow up I'm going to have a girl and a boy and I'm going to name them Morgana and Merlin."

I snorted. "That's some baggage you're going to throw on those kids."

Hannah looked over at me. "What are you going to name your future kids?"

"Not going to have any," I answered honestly.

Hannah looked surprised. "What? Why not?"

I shrugged. "I don't want any. Maybe if people lived a few extra centuries I'd give it ago… But life is just too short to dedicate that much of it to another person. There's too much I want to see and do that I can't if I have to take care of a kid."

"You're so weird," Hannah declared.

I stuck my tongue out at her.

"I'd like to have a couple of kids and a farm when I grow up," Eloise said and then sighed sadly. "I have to manage to get a boyfriend first."

I frowned. This was getting ridiculous.

"All of you are too young for boyfriends," I blurted out.

"Now you sound like my mom!" Hannah said.

"Your mom is awesome. I wish my mom was a badass auror," I admitted and crossed my arms stubbornly.

The conversation died and we fell silent for several minutes. I started to think the girls had fallen asleep and started to drift off myself when I heard Hannah stir.

"It's not awesome…" Hannah whispered quietly.

"What is?" I whispered back sleepily.

"Her job… it's not awesome. It's scary and I hate it," Hannah said back so softly that I could barely hear her.

"Oh…" I whispered back, not sure how to respond.

"She was seconds away from dying. I wish she did something else. Susan, don't you hate your father's job too?"

Susan lay still silently for so long I thought she was actually asleep and wasn't going to respond, but eventually she rolled over and sighed.

"I don't… I don't like that my dad is an auror. But…" Susan trailed off like she was thinking over her response carefully. "It's just… someone has to stop the bad guys. Evil people come for you even if you mind your own business. That's what happened to my uncle and his kids. They weren't even aurors, just regular people. You-Know-Who came one night and killed them, even the baby in its crib. Just to make a point, not because they'd done anything.

Dad and auntie were there, but auntie grabbed Dad and got away. They were just kids too ya know? They were still in Hogwarts like us. Mum got mad that he told me what happened, but Dad said it was important to know the truth. It's… scary… but… someone has to protect people. And my father is good at it… It's what my family does. Dad always says… If you wait for someone else to stand up and do something, then no one will."

Silence fell and it felt heavy and oppressive.

Eventually Hannah replied in a small wavering voice, "But I just wish it would be someone other than my mum…"

I thought about reading the Order of the Phoenix scene where Hannah finds out her mom had been murdered. It had been sad, but it had been such a minor thing; barely a footnote in the book. I was lucky I'd even remembered reading it at all. It had probably been the worst day of that character's life, but it had only been a footnote to me…

And now she wasn't a character. She was a person. She was my friend. And she was worrying about her mom going to work and never coming home again.

"I'm sorry…" I said, not sure if I was apologizing for what I said or the future that was coming.

Maybe both.

"It's okay…" Hannah muttered and rolled over to go back to sleep.

Could I save her mom? It seemed ridiculous to even think I could do anything to someone that could take out that hardass woman. But I couldn't do nothing either. I couldn't sit back and let it happen. Susan's dad was right.

…But what can I do?

It took me awhile to get to sleep, but my friends slept soundly.


	22. Enchanting for Dummies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: On a whim, I picked wands for the Spell Club members (not counting Neville and Hermione since they have canon wands) using the Pottermore wand lore. Hannah - Blackthorn, Eloise - English Oak, Susan - Black Walnut, Oliver - Sycamore, Daphne - Ebony, and Anthony - Elm. Some of those reveal a bit of where the character's futures will lead if you're curious enough to look them up.

"Did you hear that Hagrid's hut burnt down?" Justin asked Monday morning at breakfast.

A piece of toast fell out of my mouth.

"What?" I asked, feeling like I must have misheard him.

"Hagrid's hut burnt down over the hols while he was at the pub! Went up real quick, before anyone even noticed it had caught fire," Justin relayed without malice but with obvious enjoyment about being able to pass on a piece of new gossip. Justin loved to gossip.

"That's... that's terrible. Do they know what caused it?" I asked trying to sound calm.

Did he not invite Harry and Ron over to see the dragon hatch? Did they not have the sense to help smuggle it away?

"No one knows for sure what happened. If you ask me, knowing Hagrid it was probably an unwatched cauldron left on the fire," Justin guessed and spread marmalade on a piece of toast.

"Probably," I agreed, mind racing.

Why wouldn't Hagrid invite Harry and Ron over? Eloise told me Harry and Ron went to have tea with Hagrid regularly. As far as I could tell, they were just as close to him in this timeline as the original one. Then why not? It's not like they had anything better to do...

Oh. Oh no.

I'm an idiot!

They did have something better to do! They went to spend the holiday with freaking Sirius! Why would a lonely orphan kid stay over when he had a cool doting godfather who had invited him to his house? I hadn't seen Harry and Ron on the train platform, but I hadn't exactly been looking for them either.

So Hagrid hatched the thing by himself, and then probably put the damn thing in a baby crib or something else insane and happily went off to the pub while his "itty bitty dragon baby" took a nap. Then the dragon acted like a freaking dragon and burnt Hagrid's extremely flammable wooden house down while he was gone.

I could see it in my mind's eye as if it was a movie.

And now it was probably running loose... somewhere.

When Eloise came to breakfast and heard the news, she was even more distraught. I was barely able to convince her to wait until after classes were over to see how Hagrid was doing. After Transfiguration class, we trudged through the mud and across the Hogwarts lawn to where Hagrid's hut was… or where it used to be.

We found Hagrid shifting through a charred pile of rubble. Fang was nearby, sniffing around the outskirts of the forest.

Eloise and I looked at each other, unsure of what to say.

Magic wouldn't help here. Repairo can't fix something that's been reduced to ashes. There was nothing that could be done except rebuild.

Eventually, Eloise stepped forward cautiously. "Hagrid, we're sorry about what happened. Is there anything we can do?"

Please don't say 'go find my lost baby dragon in the Forbidden Forest'…

Hagrid sniffed loudly, "Nah, nothing you girls can do. Nice of you to offer though. No one got hurt and that's what important. Some of the other professors are going to help me rebuild it this week. It'll be good as new." Hagrid sniffed again and his eyes looked glassy. "Just lost a bit of sentimental stuff that's all. Poor Harry."

"Poor Harry? Was Harry here when it burnt down?" I asked in alarm.

"No, nothing like that. I had just been collecting photos of his parents. But … they all went up in the fire," Hagrid wiped the corner of his eyes.

OH HELL.

"Poor lad didn't have any pictures of his parents," Hagrid said and then wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

Stop rubbing salt into the wound Hagrid…

"That's horrible!" Eloise exclaimed.

I am not going to feel guilty about this. He's a grown-ass man. He needs to be responsible for his own actions.

"His aunt and uncle aren't very nice. He's never even seen pictures of Lily and James… Hmm, I probably shouldn't have said that. Don't tell Harry I said that. He'd be embarrassed," Hagrid muttered looking embarrassed himself.

Of course he would Hagrid! Jeez!

"Don't worry. We won't tell anyone," Eloise assured him.

"Yeah, we won't," I added in.

"Never even got a birthday cake before I brought one," Hagrid blurted out again, looking glassy eyed.

Hagrid, just stop already…

"I'm glad no one was hurt," I said, trying to get the conversation back on track before Hagrid revealed every embarrassing secret he knew about the kid.

"What happened?" Eloise asked and offered a much too small handkerchief to Hagrid. Nevertheless, Hagrid took it and use it to daintily wipe the corners of his eyes.

"Ah… uh… not rightly sure. Uh, might of uh… been a spark left in the fireplace," Hagrid said haltingly. The big oaf even looked shifty-eyed when he said it.

"It's okay Hagrid, you can tell us," Eloise assured him.

Or you could NOT tell us… There's no reason I should be responsible for Norbert. And I really don't want to have to go skulking about the school looking for a baby dragon. I've got stuff I need to do to prepare for the summer. There's a point even a Hufflepuff needs to step back and let people clean up their own mistakes… But I don't think I can refuse if he asks for help either…

Hagrid looked conflicted. His thick eyebrows bunched together like two wooly caterpillars locked in mortal combat.

And then he surprised me.

"Ah, thanks, but I got it handled." Hagrid sniffed again and then stood up straighter like he was getting himself together. "I'd been meaning to add another room soon anyways."

I looked across the field of charred wood into the forest. Somewhere out there a baby dragon could be wandering around… setting forest fires? I can't imagine the centaurs would be thrilled to find a baby dragon wandering about. How fast do dragons grow anyway?

I bit my lip and hovered on the edge of indecision. I really need to work on some of my summer prep stuff this afternoon. I'm running out of time. But I didn't want Hagrid to get in trouble… Then again, I won't have anyone to rely on this summer. I'll be on my own. If I don't get my preparation done now…

In the end, I kept silent.

"We better go back to the castle to work on our homework," I said waving goodbye to Hagrid. Eloise followed behind me.

Hagrid should be better at finding the dragon than me anyways, right? He does end up (or could end up?) as the Care of Magical Creatures Professor. Once he finds the thing, then I'll get involved and convince him he can't keep it.

* * *

Friday came and I still hadn't seen or heard any hint of Norbert. I suppose it could have also just been eaten or killed by something in the forest. It was just a baby after all. I hope not though. It was just doing what baby dragons were supposed to do; set fires and bite people. It's not its fault it was stolen from a dragon sanctuary.

Since the sweet hobo life was right around the corner, I thought it would be a good idea to try my hand at making an enchanted object for the first time. I'd been reading enchanting books off and on throughout the year, and I think I've got enough understanding of the basics to try and make a shrinking and unshrinking trunk without blowing myself up.

Probably.

At first, I didn't think hiding the trunk was even going to be an issue. I managed to stuff the trunk of jewels in one of my bags so what was the big deal? However, one day I tried to take the trunk of jewels out and… I couldn't do it. The angle was all screwed up, it was HEAVY, and it was too wide to get a good hold on. You were not supposed to put things this wide into the bag (although, why the thing would then stretch to let you, I have no idea). If I wanted it out, I was going to have to dump the entire bag and that would be a huge mess and very impractical for wandering around Muggle England.

Soo…yeah. I fucked up. I was going to need to enchant my school trunk to shrink/unshrink if I wanted to keep it inconspicuously in my bag.

The basics of enchanting is the Potions, Runes, Time, and Spells technique. You don't always need every element, but the more elements you can combine within the enchanted item, the stronger and longer lasting the enchantment will be. For instance, there's a shrinking charm, but there's also a shrinking solution potion. There are runes that tie the two together. And time was just that, the longer you gave each step in the process the longer the enchantment would last. A week should be enough time for my trunk to last the rest of my school days. Something like Harry's cloak must have taken DECADES maybe even generations to make.

I found a broken trunk to practice on in the Room of Requirement. A few Reparo spells and some Transfiguration made it whole again. It was ugly and looked like it had a wood shaped tumor on the top where it had been cracked (my transfiguration was a little wonky), but it was fixed more or less. It also had a minor extension on it already so if the two enchantments interacted in a weird way, I'd know.

Before I even started, I made a makeshift wall with as many discarded trunks I could find. I then cast the flame freezing spell on myself. I don't know why the thing would catch on fire, but you can never be too paranoid.

Getting set on fire hurts. A lot.

Now that I think about it... I should probably just cast Flamma Glacies on myself every day as soon as I got out of bed.

I jotted down a quick note in my homework planner to remind myself.

First, I needed to brew two potions; a Shrinking Solution and an Engorging Solution.

I started on the shrinking solution first. It was technically a third year potion, but it didn't seem insurmountable. I'm way better at potions when Snape isn't breathing down my neck anyways.

I juiced the shrivelfig, staining my fingers purple. I then slowly stirred my cauldron and gradually heated it up. It smelled kind of nice for once. A little bit flowery?

I proceeded with the rest of the potion, taking my time to methodically prepare the ingredients and follow the directions precisely. It was almost relaxing when you didn't have a slimy asshole going, 'Fifteen more minutes! Ten more minutes, not that you'll make it in time... Five more minutes!'

The completed potion certainly looked the right green acid color and was now odorless. I magically siphoned the potion into a bottle (one of the few spells taught in Potions class) and corked it.

The Engorging Solution was a little harder. I asked Kevin a few days ago for tips on preparing the ingredients. I think the poor boy had an idea of what I was going to make, because he blushed like mad. He was definitely getting the wrong idea on what I was going to use it on. Ah well, he'll be much too embarrassed to ask about it further.

The Engorging Solution took about two hours to make, but once I was done I felt fairly confident it was correct. It certainly smelled correct. The book described the smell as "fresh vomit" and yeah… it was vomit like. Ew.

I then went to my bag to get my iron quill, my notebook with the runes written in it, and my iron inkwell. I sat all three items next to me and crouched next to the practice trunk.

I uncorked the bottle and carefully poured a tiny bit of the shrinking potion into the iron inkwell. The iron inkwell should resist the effects of the potion (iron is notoriously hard to enchant). I was wearing gloves as an extra precaution even if it was a little bit overkill. Even if I spilled a little bit on myself it didn't work on live creatures unless you drank it.

I dipped the iron quill into the inkwell with my left hand, held my wand in my right hand, and then said, "Incantationem!"

The tip of my iron quill began to glow bright green.

Yes! I got the pronunciation right!

I put my wand back into my pocket and switched my quill to my right hand.

I drew a large circle with the potion ink on the side of the trunk. This would work as my "activation button" once the trunk was enchanted. I'd just have to touch the spot and speak my chosen activation word and it would shrink/unshrink. I could make it shrink/grow by just touching it, but I felt having an activation word was much safer. Having it accidently explode out of my pocket because I tripped or something would be… not good.

Next, I would have to very carefully trace the runes I'd written down in my notebook onto the surface of the trunk. I would then clean my inkwell and repeat the same process with the Engorging Solution.

It took me an hour of very careful tracing before I had successfully copied both set of runes to five sides of the trunk. After I was done, I sat back and admired my work. The runes glowed the same colors as the potion. The bright orange and green runes seemed kind of eerie in the dimly lit Room of Requirement.

I've got Astronomy tonight after dinner, so I'll have to wait until after Spell Club tomorrow to cast the spells.

I left the Room of Requirement, and kept a look out on the way down to dinner for any fire breathing lizards.

* * *

To my utter amazement and shock, Daphne had volunteered to lead a Spell Club meeting last week while I was at Hannah's house. Or Oliver volunteered Daphne...somehow? Although, I feel like she would have refused if someone tried to tell her to do it? The rumors were kind of conflicting. Regardless, Daphne was going to lead today.

I walked into the Spell Club room a little late. I had to take a detour to avoid Peeves chucking water balloons full of yellow paint at people (at least I hope it was paint). When I got to the club room, everyone else was already there and standing around a table looking confused.

I walked up and joined the semi circle. The table was covered with rocks of various shapes and sizes. They weren't gems or geodes or anything they were just… rocks. Like, random rocks picked up from the ground. Daphne stood on the other side of the table with her usual blank expression.

"Uh, sorry I'm late. I was trying to avoid Peeves." I peered again at the pile of rocks. They looked pretty ordinary. "What are we doing?"

I looked around, but all I got was shrugs and confused looks.

I looked towards Daphne. "Daphne, what are we doing?"

"Waiting for you," Daphne deadpanned.

I laughed nervously. She didn't sound mad, but then again, she never sounded like anything.

"Uh, sorry. What are we doing now that I'm here?" I asked.

Daphne pointed to the table. "A spell for identifying rocks."

That sounds… very Daphne like?

"Oh," I replied, at a loss of what to say.

Daphne drew a small half moon in the air and then said, "Ordino Petram."

A rock in front of Daphne glowed a dark gray.

"This is sedimentary," Daphne said.

Um… cool I guess?

Daphne then drew another half circle and said, "Ordino Petram."

A rock in front of Daphne glowed a darker shade of gray.

"This is Metamorphic." Daphne said and paused as if we were going to be impressed or something. After ten seconds, she then drew another half circle and said, "Ordino Petram."

A rock in front of Daphne glowed a light shade of gray.

The spell doesn't even turn them different colors…? What kind of weird ass spell turns something different shades of gray? Magic should be magical gosh darn it!

"This is igneous." Daphne looked up slowly and then stared at all of us silently. She kept staring until the silence became awkward and then finally she added, "It's a very useful spell."

I guess it could be useful if a potion wanted a certain type of rock? Maybe? Do wizards even use those scientific terms? I feel like they probably don't… But then… Where the hell did she find this spell?

Daphne stared at us silently for another ten seconds and then pointed to the table and said, "Proceed."

I shrugged and picked up a rock to identify. The spell turned out to be easy, and the rock glowed a very dark gray.

It's a sedimentary rock. Whoo…hoo?

After I'd identified all of the rocks, I wasn't sure what I should be doing. A lot of my fellow Spell Club members seemed to be in a similar situation and were now chatting to each other and goofing off.

I walked over to Daphne.

"I'm done. Is there anything else you have planned?" I asked.

"No," Daphne replied evenly.

It literally took me five minutes to identify the rocks. I guess this is going to be a really short meeting.

"I thought you'd do some kind of turtle spell," I commented idly.

Daphne shrugged… I think. It was such a small movement I might have hallucinated it. Daphne stared at me silently and I felt the silence start to get awkward again. Or maybe the silence is always awkward when Daphne was around?

"Father has not taught me the Harvest Spell yet," Daphne said after nearly thirty seconds.

The… what?

I opened my mouth to ask what that was, thought better of it, and then shut it again.

I think I'll be happier not knowing.

Oliver bounded over to us. He was smiling and in an obviously chipper mood.

"You can show us turtle stuff next time! I bet your pet is brilliant!" Oliver exclaimed.

Eloise walked over to us and joined our conversation. "Aww, you have a pet turtle? I bet he's really cute."

The rest of the group wandered over to us and formed a casual semi-circle.

"He is here," Daphne said randomly.

"Uh, who?" I asked.

"Turtle," Daphne replied unhelpfully.

I sighed. "A turtle or your pet turtle, Turtle?"

That sentence makes my head hurt.

"Mine." Daphne replied again.

She has to be doing this on purpose right? No one can be this obtuse.

"Where?" I asked looking around. I didn't see anything. Could it be invisible?

Daphne pointed to the ceiling.

A large turtle was standing on the ceiling defying gravity.

Everyone in the room jumped including me.

"Awesome!" Oliver exclaimed excitedly and craned his neck to look at the ceiling.

Daphne pointed to the floor a foot in front of her. The turtle looked her way and then slowly began walking along the ceiling, then down the wall, and finally made its way to stand in front of her.

The turtle was the size of a German Shephard, with a dark green body, large black eyes, and a golden shell that was slightly iridescent.

Huh, the shell does look rather magical up close.

Eloise walked over and bent down to get a closer look at the turtle. "Can I pet him?"

"Yes," Daphne said and gave a slight nod.

Eloise reached out—

"He bites," Daphne added.

Eloise yanked back her hand. "Then why did you say it was okay?!"

"It is okay … with me. I can ask him," Daphne said evenly.

Eloise stood back up and looked at Daphne with a quizzical expression. "What does that mean?"

"I can speak to turtles," Daphne said as if the rare magical gift to talk to animals was an everyday occurrence.

Eloise's eyes went wide. "Ohhhh…can you show us?"

Daphne nodded.

Everyone gathered around, ready to hear what this 'turtle language' sounded like. Parseltongue sounded like hissing so turtle language would sound like… whatever sound turtles make? Some kind of chirping sound? The room was silent as we waited…

Daphne locked eyes with the turtle.

"Can she pet you?" she asked in regular English.

What the fuck…

"That's English!" Hermione said outraged and then made a sound that sounded like a cat getting a bucket of water thrown on it. Kind of this angry squeaky hiss?

Daphne looked at her and tilted her head slightly. "Yes?"

"You said you could speak to turtles," Hermione elaborated.

I resisted the urge to rub my temples.

"I just did," Daphne stated without any emotion.

"Anyone could just ask him!" Hermione exclaimed and put her hands on her hips.

"No," Daphne refuted.

Hermione's face was turning a little red. "What do you mean…no?"

And to the shock of everyone but Daphne, the turtle nodded its head 'yes' like a person.

"He has consented. You may pet him," Daphne said while looking at Eloise.

"Okay?" Eloise said nervously but nevertheless reached out her hand and gently patted the turtle's head.

To my great relief, it did not bite her fingers off.

"That isn't a special power!" Hermione threw her hands in the air in frustration. "You literally just talked to him. This is ridiculous."

"You try." Daphne suggested without any challenge in her voice.

"I will!" Hermione turned toward the Turtle and Eloise stepped aside. She then cleared her throat awkwardly. "Mr. uh Turtle…" She trailed off.

"No Mister. Just turtle," Daphne interrupted.

Hermione's left eyebrow twitched. "Fine. Turtle, can you please spin in a circle?"

The turtle didn't move and looked back at Hermione with large blank eyes.

"See?" Daphne said somehow without a hint of smugness.

"That doesn't prove anything," Hermione replied stubbornly.

Daphne pointed at her turtle and then said, "Spin."

The turtle spun… slowly.

"I can speak to turtles," Daphne stated again.

For a second, I thought steam might start coming out of Hermione's ears.

Oliver laughed. "Isn't it obvious? It just sounds like English to us, but to turtles it must sound like turtle speech!"

"Yes," Daphne said and then reached out and patted Oliver on the head once like a dog.

Hermione ran a hand through her hair griping the curly strands tightly. It looked like she was debating pulling a few chunks out. "That's not obvious at all!"

"It's not worth it Granger. Just roll with it. Accept the insanity," Anthony muttered wearily and patted her arm.

Anthony sounds so… defeated.

Hermione sighed. Beside her, Eloise bent down again and started carefully petting the turtle's head. It didn't look like it was enjoying it, but it also didn't look like it was not enjoying it?

Maybe the turtle is the one with the magical ability to understand humans? Or Daphne is just screwing with us…

I cleared my throat to get everyone's attention.

"I guess the meeting is over. Eloise is taking a turn next time to make up for her missed turn with the mokes," I explained to the group.

"Whose a cute little turtle?" Eloise cooed at Turtle, ignoring me completely.

"Are you a cute little turtle?" Daphne asked in her emotionless voice.

The turtle let out a cute little squeak.

"He says he is," Daphne relayed (or made up).

"Awwww!" Eloise squealed.

Accept the insanity…

"We're getting near the end of our second rotation. Since we don't have time to go around again before the end of the year, I was thinking the last meeting for the year would be May 9th? Then we can spend the last few weeks studying for exams?" I proposed.

"I have loads of studying I still need to do," Hermione fretted.

"Ugh," Hannah said and rolled her eyes.

"You'll need to study some too if you want to pass your classes," Neville said and looked pretty anxious about the upcoming exams himself.

The only one I was worried about was Flying class, but I think I can pass the final exam. I just have to fly really really slowly…

Hannah groaned again. "I know but still… ugh."

"What do you guys think of having a pizza party at the beginning of next year as our first meeting? Everyone could bring a snack and just hang out for awhile? I'll try to convince the kitchen elves to make us some pizzas," I suggested.

I might also have to teach the elves how to make pizza.

"Brilliant!" Oliver exclaimed with a misty-eyed look.

"What's pizza?" Neville asked.

Oliver gasped theatrically.

"What? Did I say something odd?" Neville asked and blushed a little bit.

Oliver grabbed Neville and gave him a big bear hug. "Don't worry mate. We'll get you sorted out."

Neville's blush deepened and he tried to push Oliver off.

"What did we tell you about hugging? Did you already forget?" Anthony said to Oliver and peeled him off of Neville as Oliver laughed.

Eloise finally stopped petting the turtle and stood up. "You could bring Turtle to the pizza party! We could feed him snacks too!"

"Okay," Daphne replied.

"What does Turtle eat?" Eloise asked Daphne.

"Fish heads," Daphne said.

I'm not sure how hungry everyone will be with the smell of rotting fish heads in the room.

"I think I can get some fish heads!" Eloise exclaimed enthusiastically.

What the fuck Eloise… You better not think I'm going with you on that errand.

We goofed around for a few more minutes and then dismissed the club meeting for the day.

* * *

Slipping off back to the Room of Requirement after Spell Club was a lot harder than I anticipated. My normal excuse of studying at the library wasn't going to work with 'I'm going to get a tattoo of the library someday' Granger nearby. In the end, I told my friends that I was going to go practice Potions in an empty classroom. I half expected Hermione to invite herself along for that too, but in the end her burning desire to follow her study schedule won out (today is History of Magic day).

It's not that I want to completely hide the fact that I'm trying to make enchanted objects. I'll probably end up making enchanted gifts for everyone for Christmas next year. I just don't want everyone to know everything that I'm up to. And if I can get really good at it, I'd rather people not know how good I am at it. You should keep a few trump cards up your sleeves to use against your enemies.

And I admit, I have this little daydream where Umbridge tries to use her evil blood quill on me and I keep dissolving the enchantment without her realizing how the heck I'm doing it.

'Professor, what do you mean something is wrong with your quills? Whatever are they supposed to do? What? I'm doing something to it? I'm just a little ole Muggleborn. I could never figure out something like that. They must be defective?'

Heh heh…

Once I was back in the Room of Requirement, I scrutinized the trunk thoroughly. As far as I could tell, it looked exactly the same as when I had left it.

The only thing left to do now is cast the shrinking spell and after it was shrunk cast the Engorgio (growing) spell.

I stepped back behind my makeshift trunk wall, took a deep breathe, and cast the spell at the edge of the trunk wall.

It was like a bomb went off in the room.

I instinctively dropped into a crouch and covered my head as wooden shrapnel peppered my makeshift wall. After it had subsided, I stayed crouched for a moment longer. My heart was hammering in my ears.

What had went wrong?

I peered cautiously around my makeshift trunk wall.

All that was left of the trunk was splinters. One rather large splinter looked like it had even partly went through the first layer of the wall. If I hadn't put the wall up, I'd be a pincushion right now.

What had went wrong? Was it because it had once been broken, or because I had transfigured it? Nonliving transfigured items were supposed to be the exact same thing as their non transfigured counterparts. But the object did always 'remember' that it had been transfigured and so the un-transfigure spell would always work on it regardless of how long ago it was transfigured. So… did that mean it was still a spell I didn't take into account with the runes?

Or did I just make the potion wrong? Or was there an error in my runes? Or some other thing I'm not even thinking of?

I sighed deeply and tried to get my heart rate back to normal.

Time to go back to the library.

* * *

I followed Eloise down the path towards Hagrid's new cabin. The sun had nearly set. The long torches lining the rocky path to the pitch automatically lit up as we passed. Hagrid's new home had been officially finished yesterday. We were going to visit him and planned on giving him a small house warming gift. Also in my case see if I could get him to blurt out what happened to Norbert without showing that I knew about Norbert.

The present was modest and homemade, but I think it came out nice. We transfigured some bits of wood into a framed picture of Hogwarts at night. Neither of us were artists so we stuck to basic shapes. It came out looking like we'd went for the minimalistic look on purpose rather than from lack of skill.

I added a charm that made the stars sparkle and also made the castle windows light up. It wasn't an enchantment so it would fade eventually, but that was okay. It would still be pretty even without it. At the bottom of the picture frame was the phrase, "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

It amused me to steal Dumbledore's words before he had even said them. Now I'm the wise wizard with the wise sayings!

"By the way Eloise, I got a letter from my grandparents today. It looks like I'm going to be spending a lot of the summer in the U.S. in their motorhome traveling around," I lied.

I'm glad it was a lie. My grandmother on my mom's side was pretty unpleasant in large doses. Worse, my great grandmother still lived with her and that old crypt-keeper was being kept alive solely on the power of hate.

"What? Are you not going to make the concert?" Eloise asked.

"Oh no, I still should be able to make the Charmed4U concert. I just wanted to give you a heads up that it will be really hard to get letters to me the Muggle way. Trust me, if there was a way to get out of it I would. It's going to be beyond boring. We're going to lots of parks and going to stand in four states at once or something," I lied hoping that sounded like 'spoiled tween' whining.

"Oh. Try to write me when you can?"

I nodded. "Of course."

Apparently, Wizarding owls can find you eventually as long as the envelope has the correct name even if the address was wrong. Which means I should also be able to get my school supply list without any problems. The owl will probably be really pissed off once it finally finds me, though.

Note to self, buy some owl treats.

I'll have to tell Hermione the same lie. Maybe next year I can fix it so I'm spending time at a friend's house most of the time, but this summer? I've got graves to rob, blackmail to gather, and a horcrux book to intercept.

And hell, maybe I'll do a couple touristy days in London too like see Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, and that giant Ferris wheel thing. Does the giant Ferris wheel exist yet?

We walked in silence for a few minutes until we reached Hagrid's new cabin. The cabin was built on the same spot as his hut. It wasn't massive by any means, but it was much nicer than his former hut. The exterior was made of a combination of logs and stone. I vaguely could see the outline of a hippogriff weather vane against the setting sun. There was even a small porch on the front with a massive wooden rocking chair.

I walked up the steps and knocked. The front door was a handsome polished hardwood.

Fang started barking on the other side of the door.

"Fang shut it! We both know you're harmless. Come on in!" Hagrid called from the other side of the door.

I opened the door, stepped inside, and halted.

Wow it… was much bigger on the inside.

It was more of a hunting lodge than a log cabin. There was a large oak table in the dining area, cathedral ceilings, sitting area with a massive couch and fireplace, two more adjacent rooms, and lots of woodsey stuff. There was even a chandelier made of antlers.

Hagrid stood in the center of the room next to Headmaster Dumbledore. As I watched, Dumbledore swished his wand and crown molding that looked like a mosaic of prancing deer appeared along the top of one wall.

"Uh, the fancy bits aren't really necessary Professor," Hagrid muttered and scratched the back of his head.

"Nonsense!" Dumbledore chuckled and waved his wand again creating more intricate designs. Silver stars on his deep purple robe sparkled as he moved his arm. "You can never have enough crown molding. I dare say it makes the world a better place."

I paused in front of the open door unsure if I should interrupt. Beside me, Eloise also stopped.

Dumbledore paused and looked over at us, "It looks like you have company, Hagrid. I can finish this up later. I have an idea for a bathroom faucet shaped like a crumpled horned snorkack that I really need to think through more thoroughly…" Dumbledore trailed off and ran his hand through his long beard.

"You really don't have to go to all that trouble Professor," Hagrid shifted his feet awkwardly.

"It's no trouble at all. I dare say, decorating has been a relaxing diversion from the usual school administration problems." Dumbledore smiled at Hagrid and clapped him on the back.

I looked down at my shoes so I didn't meet his gaze.

"Goodnight Hagrid. Goodnight girls," Dumbledore said.

Eloise and I muttered a goodnight in return as Dumbledore strode out of the room.

After Dumbledore had departed, Hagrid invited us to stay for a little while for tea. Eloise and I agreed. I steeled myself to face the gauntlet of not only dirty weed water, but Hagrid's terrible baking skills.

Once seated, I bit into my rock cake and tried not to wince. Eating baked goods shouldn't be a painful experience. I took a sip of tea to wash it down and tried not to shiver in revulsion. At least the dirty weed water was warm.

"Hagrid, do you now where I can get a bucket of fish heads?" Eloise asked randomly.

Hagrid scratched his chin and considered it as if a twelve year old girl asking for a bucket of fish heads was a normal request.

"Hmm, I bet you can get some next time the elves make fish and chips. What do you need it for?" Hagrid asked.

Eloise launched into an enthusiastic description of Daphne's turtle and then the two started a lively discussion about the eating habits and behavior of Greengrass turtles. I let the conversation wash over me for awhile as I tried to dig some diamond hard rock cake from between my teeth.

Eventually, the conversation lulled enough that I felt like it was the right time to strike.

"So Hagrid, what happened with your egg that was going to hatch before Easter?" I asked innocently.

Hagrid started to choke on his tea. He'd been mid-sip. "Uh w-what? How did ya know about that?"

Eloise looked confused. "You told me before you left? Don't you remember?"

"Oh uh of course. Yes, that uh, boring creature. Turns out it didn't hatch. That just happens sometimes you know. Uh, it was very sad," Hagrid lied.

"So hypothetically speaking, was that some kind of creature that could have, had it not died, burnt your house down on accident?" I suggested, getting kind of tired of the bullshit.

Eloise eyes went wide. "Hagrid! Did you try hatching ashwinder eggs?!"

Ash what?

Hagrid looked confused, then his brows crinkled together. I could practically see the hamster running on the wheel that was his brain. "Ah! You found me out… It uh, wasn't a good idea, huh?"

Eloise shook her head. "You could have been hurt! No one's been able to hatch an ashwinder egg ever!"

Eloise shook her head in disappointment as if she was Hagrid's mom.

"What are ashwinders?" I asked curiously.

"Ashwinders are magical snakes that come out of unwatched magical fires. The snakes live long enough to hatch their eggs and disappear. You have to freeze the eggs really quickly or they catch everything nearby on fire," Eloise explained. Eloise turned toward Hagrid. "But no one's ever been able to hatch one before."

Hagrid nodded enthusiastically. A bead of sweat rolled down his brow. "Yep, ashwinders. Eh, you never know until you try?" Hagrid said haltingly and then took a big gulp of his tea.

Ah, screw it. I'll just come out and say it.

"So it wasn't a dragon egg?" I blurted out.

Hagrid started choking on his tea again.

"Whaaa? No of course not!" Hagrid blurted out while not meeting my eyes.

"Raising dragons is highly illegal. Hagrid knows better than that," Eloise said loyally. She then looked thoughtful and added, "You'd have to get special permission of some kind I think?"

Or you shouldn't try at all because it's a horrible idea? Ugh, they're both crazy.

"And if he did make that mistake, he would have eventually come to his senses and had someone help take it to a sanctuary or something?" I suggested and looked Hagrid in the eye. If I could pull off the spell silently and wandlessly, I'd be very tempted to do Legilimency right now.

"Of course I would have, if I uh, had done such a thing. Which I haven't. What a crazy imagination you got there!" Hagrid said and erupted into nervous laughter.

Eloise rolled her eyes at me. "Don't be silly, Kasey. Trying to hatch Ashwinder eggs was still a terrible idea though."

Eloise and Hagrid started in on a heated discussion on the pros and cons of ashwinder snakes which are apparently the horrible marriage of snakes plus fire. If they could fly, they'd basically be the worst creatures on the face of the earth.

I waited for the feeling of relief, but it didn't come. I guess the situation didn't need my help resolving it after all. I don't know why I thought it would. It should really be a relief that everything worked out without me… but for some reason… it wasn't…?

* * *

I think I know where I went wrong with my shrinking enchantment.

I dragged a heavy tarnished metal shield across the Room of Requirement with both hands, ignoring the irritating screech of metal on stone. I took a deep breath and then heaved the metal shield upright. I barely managed to cast the sticking charm before my arms gave out.

I stretched my back and then stepped back to inspect my work. There were now five metal shields affixed to the front of my makeshift school trunk wall.

I pulled down a pair of Quidditch goggles over my eyes. Overtop that I pulled on what looked like a World War II soldier helmet. The room had supplied me with a weird and eclectic group of items when I asked for some safety gear. The weirdest was probably the armored bowler hat.

I suppose this is as prepared as I can possibly be without putting on the suit of armor the room supplied me with. I'm really paranoid that if I tried to put it on I'd get stuck. Wouldn't that be an embarrassing way to die?

At first, I thought something had to be wrong with my potions. However, I remade them several times and they always came out the same. I even sneakily tested the shrinking solution and growing solution on some potted geraniums in the common room late one night (there was now a posting on the Hufflepuff bulletin board demanding someone confess to 'unlawful abuse of the common room plants').

It stumped me for an entire week. I'd even been tempted to ask Flitwick for help, but I really didn't want to find out that what I was doing was against some stupid Ministry rule.

Finally, the solution came to me one night in the shower.

One of the potions was wrong entirely.

Growing and unshrinking, while similar, are not the same things. I had been using the 'unshrinking' runes so they clashed with the engorging potion when I activated the enchantment. It's a fine distinction to make, but it's a distinction nonetheless. I did some more research and found out there was an Unshrinking Solution.

I repeated the entire process with a new trunk I'd scrounged up and this time I used a shrinking potion and an unshrinking potion.

And now, it was the moment of truth.

I squared my shoulders, hunched over to the edge of the wall, and then cast the shrinking charm.

I yanked my hand back as fast I could and tucked my head.

The room was silent. I waited an entire minute just in case, but the room was still quiet. I peaked around the edge of the trunk wall. A small palm-sized trunk sat on the floor. I took a deep breath and cast the unshrinking charm on the trunk.

The trunk popped back into its original size.

I did it! I think?

I cautiously walked over to the small trunk. It looked undamaged.

I poked the circle on the side of the trunk and whispered the activation word, "Pigfarts."

The trunk shrunk again.

I did it! I finally did it! Who's super smart? Me. I'm super smart. I'm going to make so many awesome magical gadgets! I'll make my own magical strength bracers! And invisibility rings! And spider climb boots! And a necklace that replenishes your blood if you're hurt! And shoelaces that let you breathe underwater! The sky is the limit!

I crouched down and picked up the trunk to take a closer look.

Or I tried to anyway.

I fell face first onto the stone floor with a dull thud. I hadn't been expecting any resistance at all and overcompensated. I picked up myself from the floor. A dull feeling of dread crept over me like a wet blanket.

The trunk was smaller, but it still weighed the same so I couldn't get a good grip on it. The handle was only big enough for my pinky and picking up that much weight between my thumb and forefinger was not going to happen. With all the weight focused on a smaller area, it was ridiculously awkward.

I didn't realize I'd have to make it lighter too.

It was a good thing I made the Room of Requirement sound proof. Someone would have definitely wondered where all the loud curse words were coming from.

* * *

I tried again the next day. I repeated the entire process, but added a spell and matching runes to lighten the trunk. And FINALLY, I got it right. The trunk would shrink and unshrink on command and I could easily lift it. I then repeated the process AGAIN on my real school trunk; waiting a week between the steps so the enchantment would last.

One more summer preparation was complete.

I'm starting to see why enchantment is a bit of a lost art. It's a finicky pain in the ass.


	23. What's Her Name in Hufflepuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I made it to the end of first year. Somehow.

May began and studying with Hermione started to get kind of intense.

"You don't have to memorize all sixty two moons of Saturn," I whispered to Hermione in exasperation one afternoon in the library. "Professor Sinistra said she said to only bother with thirteen of the largest ones."

"It's important to be thorough," Hermione argued stubbornly back.

The others in the study group had abandoned Hermione and I since her intensity levels had reached critical meltdown stage. Even I couldn't show up all the time. I had started brewing aging potions in large batches so I had plenty for this summer. I always made sure to study with her a few times a week though. I hated the thought of her spending so much time alone. Besides, I did actually enjoy learning just not in this panicked unfocused sort of way.

"You can't learn everything all at once," I countered.

Hermione shrugged. I could see I wasn't getting through her stubbornness today.

"Can you check over my Transfiguration essay? I've looked it over twice, but I still feel like I've missed a typo somewhere. I'll quiz you again in return on British perennial magical plants?" Hermione offered.

I sighed and pulled her Transfiguration essay towards me. We had a standing agreement that I would proofread her essays when we studied. I had an English degree so I could make a well crafted essay in my sleep.

The only time I got marked down for bad grammar was when the occasional British difference in spelling came up. McGonagall once gave me a horrible grade on a color changing essay because I didn't spell color as "colour".

I'll spell color with a 'u' over my cold dead body you old Scottish crone.

Once I was done marking up her essay, I shoved it back to her and rested my head on my hands. Her writing had improved a lot this year.

"If you really want to memorize something, you'd be better off memorizing something from Potions class or Herbology," I suggested.

Snape was certainly enough of a dick to make us brew something from memory, and Herbology was mostly about memorizing facts about plants and what they looked like. I currently had my Herbology book open trying to memorize by sight a list of the most common magical plants of Britain. Memorizing facts was easy, but a lot of the leaves looked so similar.

I pushed the Herbology book towards her.

"Hermione, sometimes you have to study smarter not harder," I said attempting to sound wise.

"I suppose you're right. But Professor Sinistra did say there may be bonus point questions…" Hermione trailed off and squinted while looking off to her right. "What are those idiots doing?"

I looked in the direction she was squinting. Way further down the library, Harry and Ron were sitting at a table that was covered in piles of Chocolate Frog cards and several massive leather bound volumes.

Huh, are they still looking for Nicholas Flamel?

"Eating chocolate?" I offered unhelpfully.

Hermione stood up. "Come on, let's find out."

I stood up and followed her feeling oddly nervous. I'd never actually tried to force a conversation with Harry or Ron before…

We stopped in front of Harry and Ron's table. I glanced at the books on their desk. They all appeared to be about famous modern wizards.

Hermione put her hands on her hips. I clasped my hands behind me and tried not to look awkward.

I opened my mouth to say hello, but Hermione beat me to it.

"What are you doing?" Hermione asked haughtily.

Ron peered around the piles of books and Harry sat his book down and scowled in our direction.

"You and…" Ron looked at me and trailed off. He turned red and looked at Harry. I then heard him whisper quietly, "What's her name?"

Harry shrugged. "Hermione's friend in Hufflepuff?"

"You and … what's-her-name from Hufflepuff can just shove off and mind your own business," Ron said angrily and glared at Hermione and me.

They don't even know my name? There's only thirty kids in our year!

I opened my mouth to diffuse the situation, but Hermione beat me to the punch again. "You're obviously struggling with something you can't figure out. Why waste your time? We're the smartest students in our class. We could help you."

That's kind of like offering an olive branch… if you smacked someone in the face with the olive branch.

"We can figure it out ourselves," Harry whispered back angrily and purposely brought his heavy book back in front of his face. The title was, "Great Wizards of the Twentieth Century".

Huh, I wonder if he read his own chapter?

"Just let me help you. It'll save you a lot of time," Hermione countered.

I opened my mouth to try to head some of this hostility off, but Ron started talking before I got anything out.

"We don't need your help! You're not any smarter than us," Ron angrily whispered back, still looking a bit red in the face. Although, now he also looked rather determined.

"Be that way then," Hermione said and flipped her hair over her shoulder. She then turned towards me. "Come on, let's go. They don't need our help apparently."

I wasn't sure if that was true… The idea that they didn't need Hermione at all was absurd. Even I had helped them indirectly this year.

Hermione stormed off and I was left being the sole recipient of Harry and Ron's glares. I opened my mouth to say something and Ron and Harry's glares just intensified.

"Um, sorry. She means well, she really does…" I trailed off.

Ron snorted and they both pointedly brought books up to their face to ignore me.

I had joined Hermione's Axis of Evil as far as Ron and Harry was concerned. And they didn't even remember my name…

I waved goodbye awkwardly even though they couldn't see me and followed Hermione back to our study table.

They don't seem like they're on the right track to figure out the Flamel mystery and it's already May. The stone is probably better off staying in the mirror. Quirrel would have never gotten it if Harry hadn't taken him to it in the original timeline. There's no reason they have to go for the stone at all.

What the hell would happen to Quirrel if the kids didn't try to get the stone? He wouldn't still be here next year surely? I haven't heard about any further unicorn deaths so I don't know what the heck he's been doing. The curse on the Defense position has to get him somehow…

Now that I think about it, Voldemort was basically the victim of his own curse.

Dumbledore has the map (or made a copy of it anyway). He could track everyone if he wanted. That was the smart thing to do, and Dumbledore wasn't a fool…

I didn't trust him, but he wasn't a fool.

* * *

The rest of May passed in a haze of studying, homework, and the vague worry I hadn't prepared for the summer enough. Before I knew it, May was over and the exams were looming before me. After all the studying I'd done with Hermione, I felt like I was ready. I knew everything I knew I'd need to know. And if I didn't know I'd need to know then there was no reason to worry that I didn't know it.

I'm really looking forward to resting my brain for a little bit after the exams.

Charms was the first final exam of the week and I was more than ready to kick some ass. When I walked into the classroom, Flitwick was standing next to a table. On the table was a single pineapple. I stood in front of the table patiently and waited for the professor to finish marking up the previous person's evaluation. After a few moments, he sat the paper aside and regarded me thoughtfully.

"Miss Thompson, today's test is simple enough. All I ask if that you make that pineapple dance," Flitwick said kindly.

I grinned. I was going to do more than that.

I glanced at the inert pineapple. "So I know you want me to use Tarantallegra… but I want to offer an alternative solution to your question. One with... STYLE. May I have a moment to prepare?"

"Oooh?" Flitwick asked and then nodded, obviously intrigued.

I picked up the pineapple and waved my wand concentrating hard. I transfigured some gangly pineapple arms and legs out of the pineapple flesh. The appendages were basically sticks with squares at the end but they were good enough.

After I sat the pineapple back down on the desk, I crouched down and pulled a shoelace out of my shoe. I then reached into my bag and pulled out a piece of Muggle notebook paper. I crumbled the notebook paper up into a ball, attached the string to the ball with a sticking charm, and stuck the string to the edge of a shelf that hung above the desk. The paper ball now dangled overtop the pineapple.

I pointed my wand at the paper ball and said, "Coruscent!"

The paper wad suddenly sparkled like a brilliant disco ball.

Who knew a spell listed in the Charmed4U newsletter would be useful?

"Creo Iris!" I waved my wand and added a rainbow above the desk. Everything was better with rainbows.

Hmm…You know what? If I'm going to do this, I might as well go all out.

I walked over to Flitwick's wireless and turned it on. A snappy Latin song filled the room.

"Sir, are you ready… to be dazzled?" I asked with as much theatrical flair I could muster.

Flitwick made a show of composing himself with the utmost seriousness. He took a sip of tea and straightened his robes and everything. "I am now, Miss Thompson!"

I grinned, pointed my wand at my pineapple and said, "Piertotum Locomotor!"

And I made my pineapple DANCE.

After I was done, the table was covered in sticky pineapple juice from my pineapple dancing a rather impressive (if I do say so myself) cha cha, followed by a romantic tango with Flitwick's stapler.

I like to imagine Flitwick's stapler blushed just a little.

Flitwick stared at me with wide eyes and then wiped a single tear from the corner of his eye.

"110% Miss Thompson! That was magnificent!" Flitwick called out, and then waved his wand. The room filled with phantom applause.

I beamed with pride.

"Scourgify," I said and cleaned up the pineapple juice trail my dancing pineapple had left.

"111% Miss Thompson!" Flitwick laughed. "Now stop showing off and call in the next student!"

I laughed, bowed dramatically, and then left the room.

I indicated to Dean Thomas he was up next. He looked white as a ghost. Perhaps the Latin dance music and applause had been a little intimidating from the other side of the door?

As I was walking away, I heard someone mutter, "Bloody hell, what was going on in there?"

* * *

After Tuesday morning's Charms exam, my History of Magic and Defense Against the Dark Arts exams later that day were rather anticlimactic.

I felt it was wise not to stand out in front of Quirrel and Voldemort. I didn't intentionally answer any questions wrong but I could have done so much better and it grated against my very soul. I know Protego! Several versions in fact! I know stunners and jinxes never taught in class! I've read ahead! I've read books about Defense that were never even assigned! I'm probably pretty decent at Occlumency now even though I don't have anybody to practice with!

I can do better! Give me over 100% again!

You know, this is probably why Hermione and I get along so well.

I think I did pretty mediocre in History of Magic. The History of Magic exam was mostly about regurgitating dates. If I hadn't studied with Hermione so much, I probably would have done terribly.

Unlike Defense Against the Dark Arts, my grades in the History of Magic exam didn't bother me. I had read ahead and did outside reading and basically ignored the horribly written textbook. I understood not only what happened but more importantly WHY the events happened. That was much more important than knowing exact dates. My grade wasn't indicative of my actual knowledge.

On Wednesday I had my Transfiguration exam. It turned out to be challenging in unexpected ways.

"Does it hurt it?" I stared at the cute little white mouse that was scampering around in a box in front of me. I'd set traps before in my house to kill pests, but this one was obviously tame. And I always made sure to choose the traps that were quick. Getting stuck halfway in a transfiguration seems a bit like torture?

McGonagall sighed. "Thompson, I assure you it feels no pain when it is turned into a snuff box."

"How do you know? Have you ever been transfigured into an object?" I asked and glanced at the box again. The mouse was standing on its back legs and peering at me with its beady little black eyes.

"Of course not. It's exceedingly difficult to transfigure a living human into an object," McGonagall explained testily and then took off her glasses to clean them.

"Does transfiguring the mouse into an inanimate object kill it?" I asked feeling a chill run down my spine. It's one thing to put out a trap, it's another thing to kill a mouse with your bare hands… or bare wand hands.

"You can reverse the transfiguration after the exam if you choose. We've transfigured living objects before. Why is it bothering you now?" McGonagall asked. I could see her patience was starting to fray.

'The beetles weren't as cute as the mouse' was probably not an acceptable answer.

"But is it dead when it's a snuffbox?" My eyes widened in horror. "When we reverse the transfiguration, are we literally reversing death?!"

"Thompson, three minutes before your final exam is NOT an acceptable time to have an existential crisis about the meaning of life and death! Either do the assignment or accept a zero for your final exam," McGonagall said sternly and walked away.

I stared at the cute little mouse and took a deep breath.

I… really didn't want a zero…

In the end, my desire for good grades won out. I transfigured the mouse into a beautifully carved wooden box that had a Celtic knot on the front and had beveled sides. It turned out really nice. If I'm really killing the mouse, then it deserves to be a nice snuff box. Anything less feels disrespectful.

Before I left it on McGonagall's desk, I tried to feel for a heartbeat or a faint distressed squeak. I listened carefully for a full minute, but I felt and heard nothing…

I left the object on McGonagall's desk for it to be graded and went on to my next class with a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

* * *

The Herbology exam was not what I had expected it to be.

I'd expected something more along the lines of our earlier tests such as identifying a pile of fruits or leaves and answering essay questions. That's what I had studied for these past few weeks. However, what I got was very different.

"Everyone find a work station and wait for me to come to you! You will be working solo!" Professor Sprout shouted out over the nervous pre-class chatter.

The room went quiet as we shuffled off to various work stations. I chose a standing desk nearest the window. On the desk was a hand trowel, watering can, and several pruning shears of varying sizes. I waited a few minutes until Professor Sprout came to me.

"Here you go dear!" Professor Sprout said cheerfully and plunked a potted plant in front of me.

It looked like a giant purple sunflower and the vines jutting out of the stalk looked vaguely like hands. It was also very wilted looking. The petals were drooping and the plant was vaguely dried out and brown.

And most importantly, I had no idea what it was.

"This test is simple. Make it better!" Professor Sprout smiled.

Make it better? It looks like it was already dead.

"Ok?" I said hesitatingly.

"Feel free to get any supplies from the supply cabinet or around the room you may need! You have until the end of the period," Professor Sprout said, patted my shoulder, and then moved on to the next student.

I stared at the plant, trying desperately to figure out what the heck it was. As I stared, a dried out leaf fell off of the plant.

Okay so I don't know what the heck it is, but I still know some plant basics. It's obviously dehydrated. If I try to do anything else to it before I fix that it'll just fall apart. Normally, you can't water plants that are this sick and have them instantly better but there was something we'd learned in class that you could combine with water…

I walked over to the supply cabinet and opened the doors. I glanced at the ingredients.

What was it? It had sounded video game-ish…

I came to the right one and something just clicked in my brain.

Water sprite blood! And all I needed to do was add one drop to a watering can!

I came back a moment later with a full watering can and very carefully used a dropper to put a single drop of glowing blue water sprite blood into the watering can. The water instantly turned a glowing blue.

I walked back to my sad plant and carefully watered the dry soil.

The soil soaked up the water and then I watched as the blue glow started at the bottom of the plant and worked its way upward. As the blue worked its way through the plant, it turned from brown to vibrant green. By the time the glow had reached all the way up the plant, the plant was a healthy green. Even the purple color was more vibrant.

"You're already looking so much better!" I whispered in a sing-song voice.

The vines on the plant wiggled enthusiastically.

I flinched in surprise.

I guess this one can move?

Hmm, it's still a little droopy though. Maybe I should repot it? That might be risky though if the plant needs some kind of special things done to its soil. I remember one plant only grew on grave soil and another didn't thrive unless it was planted on a Tuesday. It was not Tuesday.

"What are you?" I whispered to the plant, getting closer to look.

It didn't wiggle.

A wild idea occurred to me. Then again, it's only a wild idea to a Muggle. I needed to think more like a witch.

"Do you like it when I talk to you?" I asked the plant.

It didn't wiggle.

No, that wasn't quite right. What did I say the first time? Hmm…no, it was the _way_ I'd said it.

"You're such a pretty plant!" I sang.

It wiggled more enthusiastically and looked a little less wilted.

"You are the prettiest color of purple everrrr!" I said in a sing-song voice.

It started wiggling like crazy and a leaf on the side perked right back up.

So it wants me to sing at it apparently.

Huh.

I glanced around. The room was still kind of quiet and people would probably hear me. I really didn't like to sing in front of other people. My singing voice was pretty terrible. An ex-boyfriend once described it as "dying cats in horrible pain".

I felt my face getting red. This was obviously what the plant needed… But everyone would stare at me and I had probably done enough already…

Oh fuck it. I want to be brave! And I want a 110% again!

"IZZZ THISSSS THE REAL LIIIIIFE? IS THIS JUUUUST FAHHHHTASEEE? CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE, NoOoO ESCAPE FROoOM REALITEEE!" I belted out just choosing the first song that entered my head before I chickened out.

Other students turned around to look at me.

"OPEN YOUR EYESSS! LOOK UP TO THE SKIESSS AND SEEE. AHHHMM JUSTAAAAA POOR BOYEEE! I NEED NO SYMPATHEEE. BECAUSE I'M EASEEE COME, EASEEE GO! A LITTLE HIGHEEE! A LITTLE LOooOoW! ANWYAAAAY THE WIND BLOWSsss, DOESN'T REALLY MATTER TO MEEE!"

Now the whole class was looking at me.

But my plant wasn't wilted at all and had even started to grow new shoots. Well fuck it! I'm not stopping now! Bring me to 110% Freddie Mercury!

"MAaAaaMAaaa, JUST KILLED A MAAAN. PUT TA GUUUUN AGAINST HIIIIS HEEEAAAD. PULLED THE TRIGGEeeeEEeR NOW HE'S DEAD-"

I didn't think the appropriateness of these lyrics through.

"MAAAAMA, LIFE HAD JUuuuST BEGAaaAAN! BUuuT NOW I GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAaaaY. MAMA OOOHHHOOOOOOH!"

The rest of the class was muttering now. I heard someone say something like, 'Thompson's lost her mind'.

New shoots shot out of my plant and started to bud. I kept going and going…

"GALLILEO GALLILEO GALLILEO GALLILEO GALLILEO FIGAROOOO MAGNIFICOoOOO!"

Why didn't I pick a song easier to sing?!

The buds on my plant bloomed into brilliant purple flowers. I kept going and finally, FINALLY got to the last lyric.

"NOTHING REALLY MATTERS TO ME. ANYWAY THE WIND BLOWS."

I fell silent.

My plant was a beautiful explosion of green and purple that had nearly grown beyond the pot and had taken over my entire work station.

The room was silent.

A hearty chuckle broke the silence. I turned around and it was Professor Sprout. She was laughing and grinning ear to ear.

"That was wonderful! The last student with a Caroling Coneflower only barely hummed. The plants know when your heart isn't in it! Magnificent job dear!" Sprout declared cheerfully.

Caroling Coneflower?

Huh.

"Thank you," I replied.

Professor Sprout leaned down and whispered, "You didn't have to finish the entire song though."

I blushed bright red.

Professor Sprout pulled out a package of honest-to-god stickers out of her apron pocket, flipped through her clipboard, and then put three smiling niffler stickers on my test. She then looked at my table, giggled again, and moved on to the next student.

Three stickers has to mean a good grade. I'd only ever gotten one!

Thank you Freddie Mercury!

* * *

I went to my Friday Potions exam prepared for war.

The night before I spent cramming my head with as much last minute studying as I possibly could. I scrubbed my cauldron and double checked all of my potions equipment. I made sure I had a backup quill in my bag. Before I left the dorm room, I cast all the defensive charms on myself I knew. Granted, it wasn't a very large list, but it had to help! I even threw in a couple defensive charms from my "You Can Never Be Too Paranoid" book that I had tried before but never really tested. I'm sure there's some safe way to test freezing and acid resistance on yourself, but I didn't have time before breakfast.

If I get a bad grade on my exam, it won't be because of anything legitimate I had done wrong.

I was filled with grim determination as I set my cauldron and supplies out and prepared to brew the Forgetfulness Potion from memory. I don't see how having a random potion memorized really tests our ability to prepare ingredients and our knowledge of potion interactions but whatever... Snape was obviously being a dick again with his ironic potion choice.

Joke's on you asshole, I think I actually remember this one.

I got the Lethe river water, mistletoe berries, and Valerian sprig from the Potion's supply cabinet. A lot of the other students were getting completely different ingredients from the supply cabinet... Was I wrong? The only person in the class who I knew was good at potions was Kevin, and unfortunately he was behind me in line.

Nah, if I'm going to bomb this I'd rather it be because I was wrong rather than because of some low level cheating.

I focused all my attention on my ingredients and my cauldron. This potion didn't have a lot of prep for the first part, but to get done in time I had to make sure that I got the potion "cooking" in the next ten minutes or I wouldn't have enough time to finish it. Of course, Snape picked one that took nearly the entire class period to finish…

My attention was so laser focused on the task at hand that it took me awhile to notice the odd tickling sensation on my right arm.

Someone cleared their throat in front of me. I ignored them, and waved my wand over the cauldron.

Awesome, it's the right shade of red. Now I just need to turn the burner up and wait about fifty minutes…

Someone cleared their throat again.

I turned the burner on, set my timer, and THEN looked up.

Snape was standing over me holding a clipboard and looking pointedly at my right arm.

I looked over at my arm.

Oh. I'm on fire. Well, that's annoying.

"Extinctus." I muttered and waved my wand over my arm. The fire went out instantly. Next to me, Mandy's workstation seemed to be on fire too. I waved my wand and cast the fire extinguishing spell on Mandy's area too. I really didn't want the smoke to affect my potion.

I looked back down at my ingredients. I needed to crush the mistletoe berries so I was ready to add them to the mixture…

Snape cleared his throat again.

I looked up.

Was he trying to sabotage me?

"Miss Thompson, are you hurt?" Snape asked sounding more annoyed than concerned.

"No, sir." I waved my hand in the air dismissively. "It's just a little fire."

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"I cast the flame freezing charm on myself this morning before breakfast," I elaborated so he would leave me alone to brew.

Snape made a face like he was passing a kidney stone, made a mark on his clipboard, and then moved on.

I focused back on my ingredient preparation.

At the end of class, I turned in one damn near perfect potion.

* * *

Friday was a beautiful clear day with bright blue skies and not a cloud in sight. It was the perfect day for the final exam in Flying class. In order to take advantage of the unusually nice weather, the entire first year was going to have their flying exam all at once.

I can't wait to get this over with.

Madam Hooch blew her whistle loudly and then bellowed, "Everyone form a line for the obstacle course!" Madam Hooch's hawk-like glare leveled my way. "Thompson! Longbottom! Get in the back of the line and go last so you both don't drag anyone else down with you!"

I shrugged. That seemed fair.

I watched from the back of the line as my fellow classmates of varying competency flew through sets of floating golden hoops for their final exam. Most of them were at least competent.

The more I watched the more the nervousness started to get to me and my stomach tied itself in knots. Going last turned out to be torture. What biological benefit does one get from nervousness giving you diarrhea? When proto man was running away from lions in the Sahara, leaving a trail of crap behind them as they ran wasn't going to save them. Lions weren't going to go 'Oh can't eat this one, it's covered in poo'. Why do you do this to me body? Why? I don't need to be worrying about pooing myself in midair AND possibly falling and breaking every bone in my body.

After this class is over, I'm never getting on a broom again.

By the time Neville and I were up, I was a basket case of nerves.

Beside me, Neville mounted quickly, overcompensated, and went careening into the air towards the first golden hoop. I heard a terrified scream as Neville became a tiny pinprick in the sky.

Wow. That was quick.

I mounted the school broom and kicked off the ground with the slightest pressure possible. I slowly ascended into the air inch… by inch…

At the pace that even a slug would scoff at, I drifted towards the first golden hoop…

After what felt like an eternity, I ever so slowly glided through the final hoop. My shoulders ached from tensing up and my hands were numb but… I was done.

I descended to the ground like a feather falling in slow motion. Very slow motion.

Take that obstacle course.

Madam Hooch walked up to me. A muscle next to her left eye was twitching uncontrollably.

"That was the longest I've ever seen anyone take to finish this exam in all of the decades that I've taught this class," Hooch said looking at me like I'd been sent to her from the bowls of Hell to punish her for any possible misdeeds she'd ever done in her life.

"Thank you," I replied and smiled. And then kept smiling.

The nightmare is over!

Hooch groaned and rubbed her eyes. "That wasn't a complement! Don't be happy about your grade."

"Sure sure. I'm very distraught," I replied happily.

Hooch sighed deeply. "Uh huh. Promise me you won't go near a broom unless it's life or death."

"Affirmative, ma'am!" I declared and saluted her for good measure.

Ah, sweet sweet second to last. I made it.

"And you'll try very hard to get your apparition license," Hooch insisted still not satisfied.

"I'll get my Muggle driver's license too!" I said and gave her a thumbs up. When she still didn't seem convinced, I gave her two thumbs up.

No one can stay skeptical in the face of a double thumbs up. It's like, double reassuring.

It must have worked, because Hooch gave me an exasperated sigh and then smiled crookedly. "Good. And stop smiling! You got the lowest possible grade you could get without failing."

"I uh, may cry later for the open skies that will always be denied to me," I said failing utterly to sound distraught.

"I'm sure you will," Madam Hooch muttered and then held out her hand. Her broom leapt to her palm. She then mounted the broom and turned back to me. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get Longbottom off the roof of the Ravenclaw tower."

I think I could vaguely make out Neville's silhouette clinging to a high parapet.

Madam Hooch lifted off of the ground.

"Also you missed dinner!" Madam Hooch called out as she disappeared into the sky.

"What?!" I exclaimed, to an empty field.

I stopped smiling.

* * *

I'd like to say that I didn't do well on my astronomy exam because I was hungry but… it'd be a lie.

Ah well. I don't care about astronomy anyways. I don't think I failed the class and that's all that matters.

I yawned as I followed the rest of the Hufflepuff first years down the steps trailing on the rear. When we reached the third floor corridor landing, I couldn't help but pause for a moment and stare down the dark corridor.

If Fluffy was still there, then all the stone's safeguards and precautions would likely still be intact. I could just peek down the corridor with my X-Ray specs and see?

Then again, going down a dark corridor all alone is also pretty damn stupid.

All this sitting and waiting was getting to me. Was I being patient or just using that as a cowardly excuse? Eh, checking to see if anything is there probably won't hurt. If there is something, then I guess I can just run back down the steps… like a coward.

"Homenum Revelio," I said and cast the spell.

There didn't appear to be anything in the corridor, although a couple people seemed to be coming back up the stairs. My roommates must have doubled back to see why I had stopped.

"What are you up to?" Susan asked curiously once they'd reached me.

"I'm thinking of sneaking a quick peek at the third floor corridor with my x-ray specs," I answered honestly.

Susan's eyes widened. "The headmaster forbid it at the beginning of the year!"

I shrugged. "We've checked it out earlier in the year. Its got a giant three headed dog behind one of the doors."

"Don't be a nark, Susan," Eloise piped up beside Susan.

Aww, I'm so proud of you Eloise.

Hannah yawned. "Let's get this over with. I want to go to sleep."

I guess we're all going.

I cast Homenum Revelio again and the coast was still clear. I crept down the corridor with my friends on my heels. Once we reached the door, I pulled out my x-ray specs and looked through it.

Fluffy was still there, awake, and gnawing on an immense bone. Either someone made that bone bigger with magic or Hagrid had fed it an elephant.

The lock was still on the door too.

I handed the glasses around so everyone else could get a look.

"Now that our anti-climatic adventure is over let's leave before we get caught and cost Hufflepuff the House Cup," Hannah muttered and started walking back to the stairs.

Hufflepuff was still in the lead despite losing several Quidditch games. Those extra points I had earned earlier in the year had really mattered.

"If we cost our house the cup we'd stay stuck to the ceiling for the next four years," Susan joked.

We all walked back to the stairs and made our way back to the common room. Since I had missed dinner, I stuffed myself with snacks from the infinite snack table and then went to sleep for the night.

* * *

The Great Hall was decorated in bright yellow Hufflepuff colors for the year-end feast. The yellow banners were embroidered with our house crest and flapped enthusiastically even through there was no breeze. The professor table had a bright yellow table cloth, and the ceiling was crisscrossed with yellow and black banners. The general air around the Hufflepuff table was shock. I don't think our house had won the cup in a very very long time.

Soak it up guys, I won't have another convict to exonerate next year.

I didn't care all that much about the cup, but it is nice to see all my classmates so happy.

I sat down between Hannah and Susan.

Once most of the students had settled into their seats, Dumbledore stood up behind the head table. I saw him tap his throat with his wand and then in booming voice say, "I have a brief announcement to make!"

The Great Hall fell silent.

Huh, does Dumbledore's beard look a little… singed?

"Before we settle into the feast, I have some last minute points to award," Dumbledore declared in a quieter voice now that he didn't have to talk over the crowd.

Oh come on! Where did this come from?

"Last night, two students went above and beyond the call of the average Hogwarts student. They both showed bravery and tenacity that is to be commended." Dumbledore pointed to the Gryffindor table. "Ron Weasley… my fellow professors and I are very proud of you. It's easy to be a friend, in the bright safe light of day. It's much harder to follow that friend into the darkness. For steadfast loyalty to a friend, I reward Mr. Ron Weasley 100 points!" Dumbledore declared.

The Gryffindor table erupted into startled cheers. I couldn't see Harry or Ron anymore from my vantage point.

Dumbledore continued. "Harry, you've gone above and beyond special services to the school. For unaccountable bravery in facing insurmountable odds, I award Mr. Harry Potter one hundred and one points!"

That's literally one point over the amount Gryffindor needs to overtake us.

Dumbledore clapped and the bright yellow banners became crimson. The Hufflepuff students sitting around me had a mixture of confusion and outrage written on their faces. A few students gasped in shock. A few looked had an expression I can only describe as, 'I knew it was too good to be true!'

I didn't care about the House Cup, but it still felt rather shitty. I'd gotten that lead for Hufflepuff after all. It was doubtful we'd ever be in the lead again.

Over at the Gryffindor table, the students were still losing their shit as if they'd all won the lottery or been picked to play on a game show. There was lots of jumping up and down and hugging each other. Get some dignity for god sakes.

"Incidentally!" Dumbledore said and the room fell silent again. "Professor Quirrel will not be returning next year to Hogwarts due to reconcilable differences. Enjoy the feast!"

Dumbledore didn't elaborate further and sat down.

By Merlin's sagging hairy left testicle, what the fuck happened?!

When the hell did they find time to have a damned adventure?! This must have something to do with the stone and Quirrel, but they hadn't been in the corridor at midnight. Fluffy hadn't been asleep. The door had been locked. Did they figure out the Flamel thing at the last minute?

Did this shit go down literally right after I left last night when I was stuffing myself with snacks in the Hufflepuff common room? What the hell?

I just thought I'd be involved… somehow…

Something of what I'd been feeling must have shown on my face, because Susan had turned to me and was looking at me with a skeptical expression.

"I thought you didn't care about the House Cup?" She asked a tad smugly.

"I don't!" I frowned. "I just thought it was weird that something crazy went down and we didn't have any indication it was happening. I just…thought I would know that something happened?" I asked tentatively.

Hannah turned toward me too. "Why would you be involved with what happened to Harry? You're not even friends with him."

"I guess I thought I'd have heard about it… or something…" I trailed off. It sounded stupid out loud.

But for some reason, in the back of my mind I had been thinking that the year 'climax' was going to involve me or that at least I'd be there doing… something. I never thought the Quirrel thing would get resolved while I was in my dorm room stuffing my face with snacks or not have anything to do with me at all.

"You're being silly. Harry's the boy who lived after all. We're just…" Eloise trailed off with a vague hand gesture.

"What's her name in Hufflepuff?" I suggested with a sinking feeling.

"Yeah." Susan said, shrugged, and went back to eating.

The crowd parted for a moment and I saw Harry and Ron getting clapped on the back by their fellow Gryffindors.

* * *

After dinner, I snuck up to the third floor. The area you could see in front of the landing was pristine, but when you went further… wow. The third floor corridor was wrecked. The walls were scorched, chunks of stone were ripped out, and the door to where Fluffy had been was wide open. The three headed dog was gone, but there were smudged blood stains that hadn't been completely cleaned up. A huge hole had been blown out of the far wall and you could see inside the room next door.

"What are you doing here? Get out!" A voice bellowed.

I jumped and spun around.

"Get out! I've got cleaning to do!" Filch yelled at me. He was carrying a mop and bucket. There's no way he would be cleaning up this all this shit with just a mop and bucket.

"Sorry!" I called and ran off.

I could hear him grumbling behind me as I took the stairs down two at a time.

Dumbledore's speech had been so full of bullshit, I'm surprised the Great Hall didn't drown in it.

What the hell had happened?!

When I came back to my dorm, my bed curtains were drawn and there was an unmarked package on my bed. Inside the package was the Marauder's Map. Dumbledore had returned it to me just as he'd promised. He must have made his own copy.

I tucked the map away into my trunk without my roommates noticing.

The next day, I packed my bags, loaded my things onto a carriage, and headed off to the train platform with my friends. The train ride home was full of speculation about why Harry and Ron had received the last minute points, but no one knew. Neville and Hermione didn't know anymore than I did. According to them, Harry and Ron weren't talking about it either.

I stepped off the train platform feeling deeply unsatisfied and vaguely pissed off.

My first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: And this concludes "book one". I consider the next chapter the start of the second story arc. The chapters will still be posted here though. I think there's value in keeping them all together.


	24. Fake Coffee Table Book Journalist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note: This chapter is more serious than normal, but I swear the summer chapters aren't going to be bereft of humor. The next chapter will have a lot more humor.

It was surprisingly easy to ditch my friends.

All it took was telling them my mom was waiting for me in the parking lot. They waved goodbye, I strode through the barrier, and then I was lost to the King Cross station crowd. It was… a little anticlimactic? Not that I was complaining about my luck. It was a flimsy excuse that wouldn't stand up to any sort of scrutiny. I'd gotten lucky that no one had asked to meet my mother. I might have had to pretend to be my own mother in some kind of weird magical sitcom scenario. I'd have to think up a better strategy next year.

I rolled my trunk into the station bathroom and walked into one of the larger handicapped stalls. After locking the door, I stripped, took out the "adult" clothes I'd salvaged from the Room of Requirement, and downed an aging potion. I held a hand against the stall wall as the disorientating transformation tingled through me.

Once the tingling and dizziness had faded, I changed my clothes and stuffed my kid sized clothes into my bag. Next year, I might not even have to get two different sizes of clothes. I'd already started to get a growth spurt. If this was anything like the last time I was twelve, I'd grow all at once this year and then just be done growing forever. I'd have to pick up something to prevent stretch marks this time around.

I bent down next to my trunk.

"Pigfarts," I whispered and touched the trunk's activation button. The trunk shrunk to palm-sized with a barely noticeable 'pop' sound.

Thank goodness, the bathroom stalls in Europe don't have the annoying gaps the ones in America do.

I put my now tiny trunk into my bag.

I'll have to do some shopping today for new clothes and supplies.

I straightened the hem of my skirt and stepped out of the bathroom stall. I stopped in front of the bathroom mirror and sucked in a breath.

I was me again.

I stared at my reflection.

It was a bit like waking up from a pleasant dream on Monday morning. The dream where you had been someone else still lingered at the corner of your mind while you got ready for work, but you knew you had to push the images aside and begin the week's drudgery all over again. Only this time, the reflection was the dream.

I stared at the new lines on my face. The crows feet at the corners of my eyes were back and the skin underneath my eyes looked less new more… tired. A few strands of silver peeked out through my dark brown hair. I had started to go gray in my early twenties the last time around.

I took a hair tie out of my bag along with a brush and tried to put my hair up into some semblance of a professional looking bun. After I was done, a business woman stared back at me. Granted, it was a business woman with an oddly retro sense of style. After I had asked for some "adult" clothes, the Room of Requirement had spit out an outfit from the 1940s that smelled pretty musty and looked like something a secretary would wear in a black and white movie. I didn't quite look like I was wearing a costume, but my first stop would have to be a clothing store.

I smiled at my reflection.

Come on old gal. We've got some shit to do.

* * *

I was finally going to tell Dumbledore everything. I'd mastered Occlumency. It was time.

The gargoyle said something to me as I told him the password, but it came out slightly garbled. Then the door swung open and I began to ascend the steps to Dumbledore's office. The steps were gigantic as if they were for a giant and I had to take huge striding steps. I went up and up and up… The stairs seemed to continue in a never ending spiral.

There was a window to the outside. Harry Potter waved at me as he went by on his broom. He wasn't wearing a helmet. I'd have to tell him later to wear a helmet…

Finally, I pushed a heavy oak door open and I was in Dumbledore's office.

Dumbledore sat at his extremely tall desk. I had to look up at him. He had a large variety of labeled candy jars on his desk like he was going to start a shop or something. His garish bright purple robes had embroidered white rabbits all over them.

Dumbledore stared silently without blinking.

In a rush, I told Dumbledore everything. Every secret, every lie, and every location of the horcruxes (is that plural?) that I knew. Through it all, he stared down at me impassively.

"And that's just about everything I can think of," I said to Dumbledore and breathed a sigh of relief.

Dumbledore stared silently. I waited and looked around. The portraits looked massive and were all staring at me wide-eyed.

After what felt like an eternity, Dumbledore raised his wand.

I took a step back. "Wait, what are you doing?"

There was a pained, but determined expression on Dumbledore's withered old face. "Information like this can't get out. If Voldemort found out what you know... I can't let that happen. I'll make sure you're well taken care of."

"But, I've learned Occlumency!" I cried out desperately.

Dumbledore sighed and in that moment he looked so old. "A little girl who hasn't even had someone to practice with won't be able to stand against Voldemort's scrutiny."

"I'm not a little girl damn it!" I cried out and looked desperately around. The exit was across the room. It seemed miles away. Was his office always this big? I'd never make it.

"Please... even ghosts still have their memories." I begged desperately. Terror and shame gripped my heart. I hated to beg.

The paintings around the room were looming monsters now, screaming out and mocking me.

"I'm sorry," Dumbledore said and looked sad.

He doesn't get to look sad. Just being sad about hurting someone doesn't somehow make it okay!

I backed away and felt my back hit the wall. Hands reached out from the books and held me still. Next to me, Fawkes gave a mournful trill. He was covered in dust.

"Don't do it. I can help you if you let me. Just give me a chance!" I cried out.

Dumbledore took another step forward. "There's no reason to take the chance. This is safer."

No. It was EASIER.

I raised my wand desperately.

"Expell—"

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

I woke up with a start.

I blindly reached out to turn off the alarm, and missed it by several inches because I expected my arm to be longer. The alarm clock fell to the floor with a clatter.

I groggily got up, shut off the alarm, and then flopped back down into bed.

That was… a pretty melodramatic dream. Thanks subconscious. Surely, Dumbledore wouldn't be that drastic. He'd at least think about it or something. Probably.

I rolled over and stared at the tent ceiling. The details of the dream were fading, but the annoyance remained. I stared at the dark green canvas ceiling for a few minutes, but the solution to all my problems didn't magically present itself. Eventually, I rolled over and dragged myself, zombie-like to the shower.

* * *

Little Hangleton was a picturesque little town nestled in a small valley between two lush green hills. Quant stone English cottages littered the landscape and each had a well manicured flower garden blooming with bright reds, pinks, and yellows. As I walked down the cobblestone street towards the local pub, I felt like I was walking through the Shire. If I hadn't seen the occasional full sized non-hobbit person, I would have been a little worried I WAS in the Shire.

Accidentally falling into fictional worlds was a thing that had happened to me after all.

I got a few looks on my way walking down to the pub, but they were more curious than suspicious. I was now a well kept twenty something blonde (normal hair potion this time) with blue eyes (another potion) carrying a backpack with a camera around my neck. I'd also added a fake mole on my cheek. I read somewhere once that distinctive features/accessories cause people to focus solely on that so that other people have a harder time remembering their faces. I was hoping people remembered me as 'that blonde American girl with the mole' instead of focusing on the length of my nose or the dimple in my chin.

I walked up to the heavy wooden doors of the Hanged Man pub and walked in.

Huh, this place looks like a set from the Lord of the Rings too.

Everything here was aged hardwood including the bar, the floors, and the tables. It was very beautiful in a lived in but well taken care of kind of way. I suppose most English pubs might look something like this, but this was the first one I'd been in.

I'd been worried the pub would be deserted at four o'clock in the afternoon, but there were three elderly people already sitting at a table with mugs in front of them plus a bartender that looked just as old. A soccer game (excuse me "football") was playing on the television on the counter.

Awesome. Old small town people love to gossip. The trick, however, will be getting them onto the right topic of gossip.

I walked up to the bar and gingerly sat my backpack down next to a stool. The other patrons looked at me as if some mythical creature had just randomly walked by their path. They must not get many tourists.

"Good afternoon," I greeted the bartender and then gave him what I hoped was a charming smile.

The bartender paused, stared at me openly, and then cleared his throat. "Uh, hello Miss. How can I help you?" He squinted at me and then added, "Are you lost?"

"Oh no, I believe I'm in the right place. This is Little Hangleton, isn't it?" I asked curiously.

The bartender nodded. His thick white eyebrows were still bunched together in confusion.

"Can I have whatever they're having?" I indicated the occupied table with a backwards gesture.

The bartender brought a mug to the tap and filled it with... some kind of beer. I'm not a beer person. But eh, I didn't want to appear to be uppity by ordering a Coke. The bartender didn't card me. I don't know if that's not a thing in England because the drinking age is so much lower or if I just looked old enough not to bother.

I picked up my mug from the bar counter and walked over to the table.

"Hello! My name is Sarah Williams," I offered up my free hand to shake. Sarah had seemed like a pretty safe and boring alias. I'd known more than a dozen Sarahs in my life.

The two women and one man looked at me and then glanced at each other. Finally, one of the women with curly white hair shrugged, and shook my hand. The rest them followed suit. Their hands were rough and calloused.

"I'm Dot," the curly haired woman said guardedly and then pointed in turn to her companions. "This is Maureen and her husband Clifford. What brings you to Little Hangleton?"

"Nice to meet you. I'm a photographer actually. I've been traveling around Britain taking pictures of the English countryside for a coffee table book. Your town is very lovely and I think it would be a great addition to my book. Oh! Excuse me. May I sit down?" I asked politely.

"Of course, Dearie. You take a seat," Maureen offered seeming more open all of a sudden. Dot definitely sat up a little straighter at the phrase 'coffee table book'.

I inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't sure what I would have done if they'd told me to get lost (other than awkwardly shuffle away).

"I was wondering if you have any suggestions on where to start? I heard Little Hangleton had some interesting historical landmarks," I gushed enthusiastically.

I thought I might have been laying it on a little thick, but Dot's eyes were lighting up.

"The Bowerson's teacup roses have started to bloom, you may have seen them on the way in. I gave her the cutting years ago. They're not quite as big as mine of course, but they're still very nice," Dot said.

I nodded and got out a small notepad and pencil from my backpack and started to scribble down some bullshit notes.

"Can I take a picture of your garden, too?" I asked, since that was obviously what she was really wanting.

"Oh, that old thing?" Dot chuckled with false modesty. "If you insist."

Ugh.

"If you get bored of pedestrian roses, I have a massive Hydrangea that was an heirloom from my great gran," Maureen suggested with a sidelong look at Dot. Dot narrowed her eyes back at her friend.

"I'd love to take pictures of both," I said and wrote another note down.

The old ladies preened a bit. The old man sipped his beer in a sort of sad resigned sort of way. I bet his life is all sorts of fun.

"What about historical sites? Any interesting old homes, statues, or graveyards?"

"You might be interested in the Morton's cottage. It's too bad the town square statue fell over in the fifties," Maureen said sadly.

Come on...

"The Connor's old well has that nice coating of ivy..." Dot trailed off looking thoughtful.

Jeez! Someone mention the Riddle graveyard already!

"What do you think Clifford?" Maureen asked turning towards her husband.

The poor old man looked startled at having been addressed. "Uh..." He blinked a few times seemingly coming back to himself. "What about the uh... old Riddle graveyard?"

Bingo!

"You don't want to go there," Dot said offhandily.

"Why not?" I asked innocently.

"Oh the place is certainty historical, but the caretaker isn't the sort that a nice young lady such as yourself should be alone with," Maureen assured me.

I'm nice because you think I want to take pictures of your garden…

"What's wrong with him?" I asked.

"He's a murderer!" Dot practically shouted turning red-faced.

Maureen gasped. "Dot!"

Dot snorted. "I know it's true, you know it's true, the whole town knows it's true! If he had any decent bone in his entire body he would have left town long ago!"

I wonder why he never left if he had to deal with this kind of shit.

"Oh... He's some kind of ex-convict then?" I asked.

Maureen looked away. "He's... not been convicted per say..."

Just by a jury of his peers.

Dot pounded her fist on the table making all of us jump. "Just because it couldn't be proven, doesn't mean it didn't happen! Frank was the only one with the spare key. It's the only explanation. They weren't robbed, no one broke the latches on the door... No, that degenerate just walked right into their home and killed them!"

I could definitely see how the Killing Curse would baffle the Muggle police... poor Frank.

"I'm sorry I'm a bit confused. What happened exactly?" I asked sheepishly.

I knew more than them of course, but it can't hurt to hear what the "official" word was.

Maureen sighed, "Have you seen the old manor at the top of the hill? In the forties, it was owned by the Riddle family. One morning the staff discovered them murdered in their drawing room. There were no signs of forced entry or... or marks on them. Their gardener, Frank Bryce, had a key. Everyone thought it had to have been him. He'd been injured in the war and well... hadn't come back right."

"A lot of us didn't." Clifford muttered under his breath.

Dot either didn't hear Clifford or chose to ignore him. "It didn't need to change him at all. He's always been violent. Horrible temper. Remember when he got in a fight with my younger brother Edward? And he keeps to himself up on that hill. My husband, bless his soul, used to say he'd seen Frank moving around all hours of the night outside. Who knows what terrible things he could be up to all alone up there?"

Maureen's shoulders slumped. "He does like the quiet life…"

"I'd say he was overcome with guilt, but if he was he'd have left the rest of us in peace," Dot sneered and then took a long swig of her beer. Her cheeks were flushed.

"Where is the graveyard? Surely, he could be away from home sometimes?" I asked trying not to sound too interested.

Maureen shrugged. "His cottage is on the edge of the graveyard. He doesn't go out often so you would most likely run into him."

Damn. There's no way he'd not see me digging up graves right next to his house. I had thought his cottage was closer to the Riddle house, not right next to the graveyard. I really need some way to access my memories of the books. I'm getting details confused.

"Be careful and don't turn your back on him," Maureen warned me.

"You shouldn't go up there at all," Dot advised.

Clifford snorted. "You didn't even like the Riddles."

"No one liked the Riddles." Dot took another swig of beer. "It's the principal of the thing!"

"Ah well, thank you for the information. All of you have been a great help. When is a good time to come around to take pictures of your garden?" I asked trying to change the subject. It was obvious I wasn't getting anything else useful out of them.

It turned out, the best time to take pictures of Maureen and Dot's gardens was RIGHT NOW so I spent the remainder of the afternoon pretending to know shit about photography, that I gave a damn about their mediocre flower gardens, and trying not to commit the second set of mysterious Avada Kadvara murders in Little Hangleton.

* * *

I spent the night in my tent that was pitched in a field behind Maureen's house. No one bothered me after I put it out, although Maureen seemed like she had wanted to. I watched her through the "muggle viewing hole" in the tent (a tiny camouflaged hole built to look outside). She would start towards the tent carrying a pot of tea or some such, looked confused, and then walk back into the house like she'd forgotten something.

It's nice to know the Muggle repelling charms work.

That night, I went through all of my school books for ideas on how to proceed. I couldn't use spells, but I had hoped that there might be an item that could help me that I wasn't thinking of. I searched for hours, but I didn't come up with anything I didn't already know. Sleep potions required you to get the person to drink them. They didn't really come in gas form. There was no need to when there were plenty of spells that would do the trick. Peruvian darkness powder (if I could even obtain it) would hide what I was doing, but I couldn't see in it either.

All of the ideas I had looked into back at Hogwarts were designed to hide what I was doing from a distance not to incapacitate the poor gardener from point blank range without a wand. Knockturn Alley might have something, but I don't trust my disguise to hold up to other magical people. Knockturn Alley's solutions would probably all be harmful anyways. Maybe I could find something if I had access to the Hogwarts library but… how long can I really wait? With Pettigrew on the run, he could be meeting up with Voldemort any day now.

Eventually, I gave up looking for the night and went to sleep.

The next morning, I unpitched my tent as soon as the sun rose and left the field before Maureen and her husband awoke. Just to be safe, I stopped at a few "picturesque" places and snapped a few photos before making my way up the hill towards the Riddle graveyard.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do. If Frank Bryce's house is literally on the edge of the graveyard and he never goes on vacation, I'm not going to be able to sneak in at night and start grave robbing. I'm hoping an idea or plan will occur to me once I'm there.

A bead of sweat rolled down my back as I ascended the hill. The temperature had begun to climb and the stony path up the hill was quite steep. I felt gross and sweaty when I finally got to the top.

A low half crumbling stone fence encircled the entire graveyard. The stone archway entrance was covered in moss. I stepped on through and gazed around.

The entire place was worn down. Many tombstones were sunken down into the uneven ground. Ivy wrapped around mausoleums and stone angels were faded gray and pitted from the weather. The grass wasn't tall and the pathway was clear so someone must cut the grass and haul away debris after storms. Behind that though, the place was falling apart.

I started down the path and took several turns at random. As I walked, the path would turn into steps going up or down. Sometimes the crumbling steps were partially buried and other times they ended in jagged edges. Some of the tombstones were small and humble and others were towering dark stone obelisks. Dates and names of the long dead passed me by as I skimmed the tombstones for Tom Riddle Sr.'s grave. Occasionally, I would snap a picture or two to maintain my cover. I didn't see anyone around, but that didn't mean that no one was watching.

I found Tom Riddle Sr.'s grave at the far southern edge of the graveyard. Over Thomas Riddle, Mary Riddle, and Tom Riddle Sr.'s graves was a ridiculously opulent twenty foot tall statue of the Grim Reaper. The massive hooded figure loomed over the graves casting a long shadow. One intricately carved skeletal hand held a scythe and the other was held out towards me in a beckoning gesture.

Wow. Even in death, they had to be pompous assholes.

Right in front of the grave nestled literally next to the stone wall was Frank Bryce's cottage. The cottage had a kitchen window that faced towards the graveyard. It was such a good view that I could see his kitchen table. He'd left the morning's newspaper out.

Well… shit.

Hell, Frank Bryce had a good view of the Riddle Manor too.

I squinted at the Riddle Manor in the distance. It was definitely a fancy-ass manor house. It looked like something you'd see in a movie. I could see someone filming an adaption of Sense and Sensibility there.

Huh, there are also several people on bicycles at the front manor lawn and… someone else? I squinted harder. Frank Bryce maybe? I think I can be fairly confident creepy baby monster Voldemort and Pettigrew aren't taking a jaunty bike ride on the front lawn.

I made my towards the Riddle Manor to see what the commotion was about.

It only took about two minutes to get there, and I was surprised by what I found.

Three teenaged boys were riding roughshod all over the well manicured front lawn of the manor. They dug their bike wheels into the ground intentionally, knocked off flower buds, and upturned dirt. As I jogged up, I saw one reach down and completely uproot a begonia and throw it.

"Stop it! Get out of there!" An elderly man in gardening overalls clothes cried out. The old man must have been in his seventies or eighties and was trying to desperately grasp at the teens as they tauntingly encircled him.

That must be Frank Bryce…

"Fuck you arsehole!" One dark haired teenager yelled and spit out at the old man.

Another light haired teenage boy leaned a leg out from his bike and stomped on a patch of petunias. "Oooh, the murderer is going to get us!"

I ran up to get closer.

"I'll call the police!" Frank bellowed out and swiped at the dark haired teen with his cane.

"Whose going to believe you?! Go ahead ya tosser!" A chubby kid snorted out sounding like a pig. I wonder if he goes to Smeltings?

"They'll believe me!" I declared loudly. I then held up my camera and took a picture of the hooligans in the act.

The three teenagers turned toward me with identical looks of surprise.

The dark haired kid glared, but I could see he was suddenly unsure. "Who are you?"

I smiled disarmingly. "I'm a journalist. And if this gentleman wants to call the police I'm ready to back up his statement." I sneered at them in my best Snape impression. "Who are they going to believe? Me or… you?" I took another picture. "Also, I have photo evidence."

I'm bluffing of course. No way am I getting anywhere near Muggle police.

The blonde kid turned toward his friend. "Fuck this. Let's get out of here."

The blonde kid kicked off the ground and started riding down the hill. The dark haired kid followed. The overweight kid stopped for a moment and then kicked a flower pot over.

"Damn you!" Frank cried out and made a move to dash after the boy. His foot hit a patch of mud and he slipped hitting the ground hard. His cane flew from his hand and clattered on the nearby pathway.

The boy laughed, flipped both of us off, and rode away down the hill after his friends.

I ran over to Frank.

"Are you okay?" I glanced over him. I couldn't see any blood, but that didn't mean he hadn't broken anything. "Do you need me to call for a doctor?"

Frank groaned from his position on the ground. He stayed still for a few moments. Just as I was about to run and get a doctor, he stirred.

"I'm… I'm fine. I don't think anything is broken. Just give me a moment," Frank wheezed and ever so slowly got to his knees.

I offered my hand to help him up.

Frank looked at my hand seemingly confused for a moment and then finally took it. I did my best to haul him to his feet. He was surprisingly light.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked and then walked over and retrieved his fallen cane.

"I'm… fine," Frank wheezed unconvincingly and took the cane from my hand.

"Are you sure you don't need me to call for a doctor?" I asked again.

Frank stood up straight and glared at me. "No! I'm not dying. I'm just old."

"What a bunch of little shitheads, huh?" I glared down at the teenagers who were now tiny specks at the bottom of the hill.

"Hmmph," Frank muttered and tried to straighten his clothes to little avail. He then turned towards me and asked gruffly. "Who did you say you were? Some sort of journalist?"

I offered my hand. Frank looked at it and didn't move to shake it. I put my hand down awkwardly.

"I'm Sarah Williams. I'm working on a photography book about the traditional English countryside. I was taking pictures of the graveyard when I heard the commotion," I explained.

"I had it handled," Frank muttered and started walking away.

I hesitated for a moment and then walked after him.

"Sorry, butting in was a bit nosy," I apologized although I wasn't feeling particularly sorry. I honestly wish I'd been able to tap into a few sparks of unintentional magic to send a teen or two careening down the hill.

"It was nosy," Frank retorted and walked back to where a shovel and rake were laying against a gardening shed.

I looked out at the flower beds. The kids hadn't destroyed all the flowers. There were just too many for that. However, the section they had been treading on was just wrecked. Nothing short of magic could fix it back to the way it was. He'd have to replant.

"I'm sorry they treated you that way. You don't deserve that," I said softly.

I know you don't deserve it…

Frank looked put off guard for a moment then a wall as impenetrable as any spell shield fell back over his expression. "Hmmph."

"Are you the caretaker then?"

Frank nodded. "I am obviously." He regarded me with obvious suspicion. "Why are you asking? Been hearing gossip at the pub then?"

I shrugged. There was no reason to deny it. "Oh, I got an ear full from Dot. What a bitter old bat. I assume her dead husband killed himself to escape her screeching harpy voice."

Frank surprised me by letting out a low wheezy laugh. "So you have met her."

"I spent all of yesterday afternoon taking pictures of her and Maureen's scraggly flower gardens. I'd doubt either of them had ever heard of fertilizer, but then how'd they both be so full of it?"

Frank didn't respond, but I could have sworn I saw the corner of his mouth quirk up for a moment.

"Would it be possible for me to take some pictures of the manor? I know those brats messed up several of your garden beds, but I could frame the pictures to hide the damage."

Might as well keep up with this charade for a little while longer.

Frank regarded me for a moment, then seemed to make some sort of decision. "You'd have to get permission from the owner. He lives in Wales. I've only met him a few times. He keeps the place for some kind of tax purposes, but he never uses it. I have his phone number back home. I was going to take a break anyways."

"Sure. I'll come with you if you don't mind."

"Hmmph," was his only reply but he didn't stop me from following him.

Frank and I walked back to his house by walking along the edge of the stone fence and avoiding the graveyard completely. When we got to his house, he opened up a dented screen door, fumbled with his keys for a moment, and then entered his house.

It was like walking into a faded time capsule. The old fashioned white and blue wallpaper had yellowed with age. As we walked to his kitchen, I felt the wooden floor boards dip slightly underneath my feet. The air was musty and smelled like old tobacco. The home was quiet except for the subtle whine of an ancient ceiling fan.

I glanced at the living room as we passed by. The green plaid couch was threadbare. And nowhere on the walls was there a photo of anyone else.

We reached the kitchen and Frank indicated with a wave of his hand the single dining room chair.

"Have a seat. I'd offer you tea but uh… I'll go get the number," Frank muttered and left the room.

I stared awkwardly at the faded red kitchen curtains. In the kitchen strainer was a single plate, one set of silverware, and one solitary tea cup.

Goddamn is this house depressing.

He doesn't even have a dog! At least get a dog Frank! And Voldemort will still probably murder him when Frank inevitably sees light on in the manor. This is… this is fucked up. He can't just live his life alone hated by everyone around him only to randomly get casually murdered by a wizard who probably doesn't even know he ruined Frank's life. It isn't right. But… that will happen if I manage to destroy the bones, won't it? Frank will be the only one left here to blame. Voldemort will murder him in a rage if Frank's lucky. And if he isn't…

Frank shuffled around in a side room for awhile. The only sound in the room was the faint shuffling of paper and the creaking of the floor. Morning sunlight streamed through the partially parted red curtains bathing the room in red. I waited patiently and tried to avoid looking at the single solitary set of dishware.

After what felt like an eternity but must have been only a few minutes, Frank returned with a slip of paper with a phone number on it. He handed me the piece of paper. I looked down at it, but made no move to stand up.

Suddenly, I felt just as old as Frank. There was a weight on my shoulders pushing down my spine; aging my bones. It would be easy wouldn't it just to leave right now? Go to Diagon or Knockturn Alley and try find some kind of magical device to make Frank sleep while I plundered the graveyard. Surely there was enough time… I could let him be here when the Dark Lord slinked in. Let him face that wrath alone not knowing why. Let him take the blame. The world wouldn't even notice the absence of a lonely old man without even a dog to miss him. It would be easy.

And for one dark moment, I considered it.

I looked up and met the old man's tired eyes. "Why didn't you leave? Go far away from this place where no one knows you?"

Frank was silent for a moment and I thought he was going to rightfully tell me to mind my own business, but then he sighed and turned back to me.

"Well I… There's not a lot of work out there for a man with no education and a bum leg is there? I used to think they'd find who really did it but eh… it's been too long. Too much time has passed. I'm too old and too poor to start over. Besides, I shouldn't have to should I? I did nothing wrong and this is my home."

And suddenly… I knew what I should do. It was the outright illegal thing to do, the incredibly dangerous thing to do, the utterly stupid thing to do, and the way more difficult thing to do. But… it was also the right thing to do.

And it's not like I have to spill all my secrets, just one or two should suffice…

"I know who killed the Riddles." I locked eyes with the shocked Frank Bryce. "And I need your help to stop him."


	25. Grave Robbing is Icky and Gross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: I now have things like 'how deep do they bury bodies', 'did they use burial vaults in England in the 1940s', and 'how to make bone powder' in my browser Google search. If I suddenly disappear one day, people are going to make up tons of interesting theories about what I was up to.
> 
> I love comments and constructive criticism. The more reviews I receive the more inspired I am to write.

Frank took it about as well as I thought he would.

"GET. OUT. OF. MY. HOUSE!" Frank leathery face was turning red and purple.

I hope I don't give the old man a heart attack.

"I can explain," I said calmly while backing away slightly.

"Thought you'd have a little laugh at the old nutter who lives on the hill did you? Or are you looking for a little scoop for your paper?" Frank grabbed a soup ladle from his dish strainer and brandished is like a sword in front of him.

I held up my hands in a nonthreatening manner. "Calm down. I can explain. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything." I paused. "Uh, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation that will make sense once I explain some other things."

"What are you on about? Just spit it out then before I call the police!" Frank yelled and waved the ladle in the air.

Uh… there's no simple way to ease into this is there?

"They were killed by an evil wizard."

Frank stared at me. I stared at Frank. I stared at Frank's hand and wondered if I would have to defend myself against a soup ladle attack. Then Frank started inching his way towards his kitchen phone hanging on the wall. I guess he'd decided that I was the real nutter in the kitchen.

I sighed. "I can prove magic exists."

Frank started to reach for the phone that was hanging on the wall.

I grabbed my purse and nervously fumbled with the opening clasp. "Look," I said forcefully and started pulling my curse breaking pole out of my bag… and kept pulling it out… and kept pulling out like a hooligan version of Mary Poppins.

I pulled the end of the pipe out and dropped it to the ground. It fell down with a loud clatter. It took up nearly the entire length of the whole room.

Frank stared at it with his mouth wide open. After several moments, he shook himself visibly. "That was... some kind of trick. Like how magicians saw women in half or pull rabbits from a hat."

"No trick." I pulled out my X-ray glasses and tossed them to him. "Here are my X-ray glasses. Try them out." I pulled out a chocolate frog from my bag, bit its head off (to prove it's not a real frog), and then tossed it on the kitchen table. The headless chocolate frog hopped about. "That's made out of chocolate but magically enchanted to hop around. Kinda morbid but pretty good chocolate."

Frank stared at the headless chocolate frog as it hopped around the table.

"Oh! And my trunk that's a good visual aid too!" I declared and pulled the tiny trunk from my bag. I then sat it down on the ground, touched the button, and said the activation word. It went back to normal size with a small 'pop'.

"Huh," Frank muttered and shakily sat down at the kitchen table.

"I can do magic myself as well but I don't have permission to perform magic in England. Its uh, tracked by the magical authorities," I said with a perfectly straight face.

It was _technically_ true...

Frank wiped a hand over his face, paused a moment, and then looked backed up to me. "Magical authorities? Like MI16?"

I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I'm guessing some British Muggle government thing?

"It's not part of the British non-magical government. We have our own governments." I laughed softly. "I'm actually breaking a serious law right now telling a non-magical person about our existence. If found out, I could go to prison and magical prisons are much worse than regular prisons… Besides, I'm on an shall we say… unofficial mission? If someone asked about me, the government would probably say I never even existed. I'm trusting you to keep this a secret."

And if someone ever tried to take the information from Frank's mind and they thought I was an American secret agent more the better. And all of it was _technically_ true. I'm an American doing secret stuff and I have agency. That's more or less a secret agent.

Frank sat silently for a moment staring at the headless chocolate frog as it randomly hopped on the kitchen table. The redness had faded from his face leaving him with a deathly pale pallor.

I shuffled awkwardly and tried to give him some time to process it all. I wish there was another chair so I could sit down.

After several minutes, I started to be concerned. He was an old man after all, and this had been quite a shock.

"Uh, are you okay? You're not having a heart attack?' I asked concerned.

Frank shook his head. "No."

"Or a stroke? You look a bit pale." I titled my head and peered at him from another angle. I don't know if I would recognize a heart attack or stroke.

"No."

"Are you sure? I can uh, get you glass of water or something?" I picked up the cup from the strainer. Can you drink water from the tap over here?

Frank slammed his hands on the table causing me to jump. "I'm fine! You just told me that magic exists! I'm bloody well allowed to have a moment here!"

"Sorry," I said and stepped back cautiously.

Frank glared at me. "Just because I'm old doesn't meant I'm constantly on the verge of death!"

"Okay. Okay," I said apologetically.

"Hmph. I'm going to make tea," Frank said and yanked the cup from my hand. He then calmly got out his electric tea kettle and began making tea.

I couldn't help but laugh.

Frank whirled around at me. "What?!"

I laughed again. "Sorry. It's just such a British reaction. My world view has been turned on its head, but I bet a spot of tea will fix things right up. Find out magic exists? Tea. Fight a group of giant spiders? Tea. Whether you're a wizard or not, it's the answer to everything."

Frank's scowl lessened. "Hmph. If you're going to be smart about it, then you can't have any."

I shrugged and leaned against the countertop. "I don't even like tea."

"Maybe you are the real nutter then." Frank was silent for a few moments as he prepared tea. "So the Riddles were killed by… magic?" Frank asked slowly while still facing the teapot.

It doesn't look like he's going to call the police anymore or drop down dead on me. That's good.

"Do you remember that boy you saw on the night of the Riddles' murders? You were right. He did murder them. He was a wizard," I explained slowly.

"And that's what you are? A wizard?" Frank asked with his back still to me.

"I'm a witch technically," I corrected him.

That felt good to say out loud.

"Of course," Frank muttered sarcastically.

I looked out the window at the graveyard beyond. It was still a couple of hours until sunset.

"The evil wizard's name was Tom Riddle. Tom Riddle was Tom Riddle Sr.'s son. His mother was Merope Gaunt," I explained further.

Frank turned back to me. "I remember her. She lived in the shack on the edge of the village with her brother and father. Everyone steered clear of them, not the right sort of people you know..." Frank frowned and seemed to see the irony in his statement.

"Merope used a love potion to make Tom Riddle Sr. fall in love with her. I guess she had hoped his feelings had become real so she stopped giving him the love potion after she had gotten pregnant. Or maybe he started to develop an immunity towards it? Regardless, it stopped working." I shrugged.

Dumbledore had been guessing after all. It could have been either.

Frank busied himself for a moment going through his cabinets. Eventually, he came out with a package of cookies and sat them on the counter. I took three and munched on them for a bit. It was getting close to dinner time and I was getting hungry.

"You lot can make someone fall in love with you?" Frank asked quietly.

Steam started rise from the kettle spout.

"It's not real love, just an illusion. Closer to temporary mind control I guess. Love potions are mostly illegal although you can buy some mild ones at the wizarding shops. I think they should all be illegal for what its worth," I admitted.

It was illegal to administer a potion to someone without their knowledge, although it seems like a law that isn't followed through with much. Joke shops would be outlawed otherwise. Love potions are also the only known cure for Hate Potions so there are legitimate reasons to learn how to make them.

A timer went off on the tea. It didn't seem long enough to me, but maybe those electric kettles were really fast. Frank poured himself a cup of tea.

"Terrifying is what it is," Frank admitted and sat back down. He took a sip of his tea. His hands were shaking, but his expression looked calm.

"Tom Riddle Sr. was clearly the victim. What she did to him was rape. But… I guess I still feel a little sorry for her even if I shouldn't," I admitted a tad guiltily.

I suppose it's possible to feel sorry for someone without excusing their crimes.

"Merope was always a pitiful sort. She was a few years older than me. I'd see her sometimes in the vegetable garden working the soil covered in bruises." Frank sighed. "You didn't interfere in those days in someone else's family matters. Besides, the Riddles were a bunch of stuck up pricks and most of the village thought it was hilarious to watch the Riddle's fall from grace when Tom married a Gaunt."

It must have been quite the scandal back in the day.

"After the love potion wore off, Tom Riddle Sr. dumped Merope and she later died in childbirth. Tom Riddle Jr. grew up in an orphanage. He grew up without anyone ever caring about him, so he never learned how to care himself. Once he was older, he came back to the Riddle manor and took revenge. Do you remember how the Riddle family had no marks? There's a spell that can kill someone instantly. The mug-err non magical authorities would have never been able to figure it out."

"And why are you telling me now?" Frank asked while looking me in the eye.

I thought for a moment and chose my words carefully.

"There was a war where Tom Riddle tried to take over the world. The good guys barely won the war and everyone thought Tom had died. But there are people who think he may not be entirely dead and is now stuck somewhere in between life and death. One way he can return is by using the bones of his father to make himself a new body."

Frank laughed and the laugh had a bit of an unhinged quality to it. "Oh of course, just a little spot of Necromancy. This just a common every day thing for you lot then?"

"Uh no, this is highly unusual super dark evil shit," I said bluntly.

"Oh, that's very comforting," Frank replied sarcastically.

"I'm telling you now for a couple of reasons: you deserve to know because he really messed up your life, your house is right in front of the cemetery, and if I managed to do away with the bones myself your life would still be in danger. Hell, he might kill you anyway regardless just for living too close to the graveyard. Killing people is nothing to him; like swatting flies," I stated and felt a small shudder go down my spine.

God, what am I doing? I should just take all my stolen money and go back to America to live.

Maybe next year I'll tell Dumbledore. Maybe my Occlumency will be good enough. Maybe if I pretend to be brave long enough it'll come true.

The chocolate frog jumped into Frank's tea cup. He took another sip of tea anyway.

I took a deep breath and continued, "There are spells that can take over a person's will completely. There are also spells that rip information from your mind without your consent. I can ask you to keep this a secret, but if a witch or wizard really wanted the information you wouldn't have a choice. In many ways, I'm not really doing you a favor. Now that you know, you're going to be in even more danger. If you want a chance at staying safe you'll have to leave Little Hangleton."

Frank looked up startled. "But I can't afford—"

"Money won't be an object. I can help set you up somewhere else. Anywhere else really. I recommend leaving England completely," I told him gently, mentally urging him to agree.

A lot of this falls apart if he's not willing to leave. My life is in way more danger if he doesn't leave…

Frank's eyes narrowed. "And what if I don't want to?"

I put my hands behind me to hide the fact that they were shaking.

"Then I'll find another way to get rid of the bones. You might be okay for awhile… If you see any unusual lights in the Riddle house don't go check it out. Tom Riddle believes the Riddle manor should be rightfully his so I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to use it as a hideout. And when he discovers the bones are gone he will go after the person who is the closest; the person who can see his father's grave from his kitchen window. He'll rip the information from your head. And then he'll kill you. Quickly if you're lucky. And then… he'll try to find me," I said softly.

Silence descended upon the kitchen. I could hear a clock ticking somewhere in the house. My heart pounded loudly in my ears. I wondered idly if I were to go running off to America, where would I live? Alaska? Maybe Voldemort wouldn't bother going all the way to Alaska?

Eventually, Frank shattered the silence with a soft "hmph" and a less soft, "That's not much of a damned choice."

Some tension left my shoulders. That wasn't a no at least.

"It's more than most witches and wizards would have given you. Many would have left you holding the proverbial bag without ever telling you anything. They would have thought one lonely old man's life was a sufficient sacrifice for the greater good." I looked around, at the single kitchen chair, at the single coffee cup, and at the faded curtains and couldn't help adding, "It's ridiculously depressing in here. You need to get a damned dog or something."

Frank blinked and then smiled softly. "I had a dog. He died last year."

I stared back at him and then deadpanned, "Tragically young I'm sure."

Frank laughed darkly. "Yes, actually."

"Goddamn. That's ridiculous!"

Frank's chuckle turned into a full-on wheezy belly laugh. "I know!"

I joined him in laughing. We sounded like two escaped lunatics.

After the laughter died down I asked nonchalantly, "So do you want to help me with some grave robbing?"

Frank regarded me seriously all trace of mirth gone. "And this will stop him then?"

I laughed and felt a strange sense of reckless courage come over me. "Stop him? No. I'm sure he's got some back up plan. Greatly inconvenience him? Certainly. Buy us some time? Probably. If we're lucky we might even be able to mess him up a bit with a few tricks. And we will definitely absolutely piss him the fuck off."

Frank nodded and stood up. "I'll get my shovel."

* * *

It turns out that trying to dig up a grave is way harder than it looks on television.

"I'm dying," I wheezed and leaned over on the side of my ever increasing hole. The cool dirt felt great on the back of my head. My arms were on fire. My legs were on fire. Bits of me I couldn't identify before I started digging were on fire.

I put my hands to the side of the hole and heaved myself up. Once I was out of the hole I collapsed on my back. The ground was cool and soothing. I looked up at the half moon in the sky. The stars looked unusually bright. With the dew on the grass and the sprinkling of wild flowers around the graves, it might have been pretty out here… if my heart wasn't about to explode out of my chest.

Frank swung the flashlight beam towards my face. I blinked as spots danced in front of my eyes. I had just started to get used to the moonlight.

"You having a heart attack? Stroke maybe? You sure you don't want help?" Frank asked sarcastically from the stool he was sitting on a few feet from my hole. He then ate another every flavor bean. He'd been understandably fascinated by the magical items in my bag so I gave him the bag of beans I'd gotten last Christmas. If he wants to eat those gross candy land mines he's welcome to them.

"You can help me refill the hole later." I glared at the old man and then slumped back exhausted. Glaring took too much energy. Besides, no matter how spry he thinks he is a seventy year old man shouldn't be digging a giant hole.

I've been digging for two hours and I think I'm only half done. Frank said that all three Riddles had been buried in the same grave. Our plan was to steal the bones of all three even Voldemort's grandmother. Maybe Voldemort would be willing to come back as a chick? Who knows? I'd get rid of Merope's bones too, but she was probably buried in an unmarked pauper's grave somewhere. Or cremated. Did they cremate people back then? I'm not sure how to check, but I should at least attempt to. You can never be too paranoid.

My arms are like loose spaghetti noodles right now. I think I can feel each individual muscle.

"This is way harder than I thought it would be," I reluctantly admitted.

"They generally use equipment these days to bury people. And back then they buried them even deeper than they do now." Frank ate another bean and looked confused. It was probably one of those meat flavored ones. Those always threw me for a loop.

"Why didn't you tell me before I started?" I asked incredulously.

Frank shrugged. "I thought you'd have a magic shovel or some other poppycock. I didn't know you'd try digging them up by hand yourself like a normal person."

I had looked for a magic shovel in the various Hogwarts mail order catalogues. I'd even asked Professor Sprout (because I was 'thinking of starting a garden'). Apparently, they used to be for sale, but some moron forgot to chain theirs down for the night once and it went on a digging spree through a Muggle neighborhood. Citizens of Aberstwyth, Wales woke up one morning to a neighborhood covered in dug up flower bushes and half rotten previously buried family pets.

"Sometimes they stack the coffins on top of each other," Frank added.

"What?!"

"They probably didn't do that," Frank deadpanned.

"Probably? You're not sure?"

Yep, there went my heart. It committed suicide rather than dig anymore.

"What are we going to do with the bones after you dig them up?" Frank asked ignoring my question.

I wiped a bead of sweat from my forehead.

"We'll put them in a trash bag and then uh… Do you have a sledgehammer?" I asked. Frank nodded at me. "Then I'll pound them into smaller pieces. Then I'll uh… well I shouldn't bury them somewhere nearby. If we could get them into a powder like substance we could dissolve them in water somehow?"

Probably shouldn't try flushing bone dust. It might clog the toilet.

Oh, and it would be disrespectful. Hmm, that probably shouldn't have been my second thought.

"If we ride the bus down to the coast, we can dump the bone powder in the ocean. If anyone asks what we're doing, we can say we're getting rid of my wife's ashes," Frank suggested.

"That could work." I frowned. "Rather than just leave an empty casket we should really replace the bones with someone else's. Do you know of any other men that might have died from some kind of physical deformity? It would be even better if they had some kind of mental problem as well?"

If only I could mix in some gorilla bones in there or something. That would really screw him up. Robbing a zoo or museum right now is way beyond me though.

Frank scratched his chin. "There was a man in the fifties who lived on third street… Larry? No… Jerry! That's it. Jerry Adams. He was slow for sure. One of his arms was dramatically longer than the other too. Would he work?"

I shrugged. "It can't hurt."

I have no idea if it'll affect the ritual or not, but why not try? Voldemort would be less of a threat if he was literally mentally handicapped.

Frank looked at me skeptically. "Is it okay to keep disturbing these bodies? It won't cause me to be haunted?"

I sat up on my elbows. "Only magical people can see ghosts."

"So they'll just haunt you then."

"Only magical people can become ghosts," I explained.

"So I won't have to worry about you haunting me either," Frank added.

"Hey!"

"Hauntings aside, we can't leave this gaping hole open overnight. You'll have to finish tonight and then we will refill the hole before daybreak. I'm going to help you refill the hole no matter what you say. I'm used to digging in the garden. Then we can dig Jerry up tomorrow and redig this hole again. The dirt will still be loose so it won't be as difficult. I have some grass seed we can spread afterwards over the fresh dirt," Frank suggested.

I gaped speechless for a few moments at the thought of that more digging and then said tiredly, "Sounds like a plan. But you're only helping me refill the holes. I'm trying to keep you from a tragic death not cause it."

If only the aging potion aged you down as well then I could get a young Frank to help me dig more. Alas, it only adds years to your life instead of taking them away... I suppose it would be a Philosopher's Stone otherwise.

I stared in despair at my hole, sighed, and then got back to digging.

Two hours later around 3am in the morning, I finally felt my shovel cluck into something hard. But not concrete hard so the Riddles hadn't been buried in an underground vault. Thank God. A few more minutes of digging and I had Tom Riddle's coffin uncovered and most of Voldemort's grandfather and grandmother's coffins unburied. All three had been buried side by side and NOT on top of each other.

I nearly wept in joy.

I unlatched the side of the Tom Sr.'s coffin and then with wobbly arms opened the casket.

The smell hit me like a freight train straight to the face.

My body tried to hit the eject button on… everything really.

"I'll get some bin liners," Frank suggested nonchalantly over the sound of my dry heaving.

Movies had done the _look_ of decade old bodies justice. The faded white bones, the thin aged clothing that looked like it would crumble to dust if you touched it… that was all familiar. But the movies hadn't prepared me for the smell. The sickly sweet dust filled rot filled your nostrils with this primordial sense of wrongness. The urge to close the casket and get the hell out of the hole was overwhelming.

I was still staring morbidly at the open coffin when Frank came back with some black garbage bags. The old man slowly climbed down into the hole and handed me a bag along with some yellow rubber kitchen gloves.

I reached into the coffin and started to shove the bones into the garbage bag as fast as I could.

Ew! Ew! Ew! Icky icky gross. Urk. Must. Not. Vomit. Why is this bone spongy? Oh hell her blouse crumbled into goo! Ew! Ew! Yuck! And terrible! And every bad adjective ever! Why did I do this?!

I dropped an arm bone into the garbage bag.

Frank calmly put a femur bone into the bag and said idly, "Looks like water hasn't gotten in the coffin."

I picked up Tom Sr.'s head. The scalp, hair and all, slid off.

The world spun for a second and I grabbed the side of the hole before I fainted like a goddamned Victorian era heroine.

I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

I threw the hair pile into the garbage bag and shuddered. And it wasn't a regular shudder. It was a full body shudder that felt like it went down to my very SOUL.

"Don't breathe through your nose," Frank advised and threw some ribs into the bag.

I swallowed and managed somehow not to vomit. Suddenly, turning into a twelve year old wouldn't make this situation better.

"Why are you taking this so well?" I asked quickly, wary of having my mouth open for long.

"I was a medic in the Second World War," Frank said and threw another handful of dead person into the garbage bag. He didn't elaborate further.

We didn't say anything more as we finished putting what was once Tom Riddle Sr. into a black garbage bag. Then we got another bag and filled it up with Tom's father and another with Tom's mother. When we were done, we sat the trash bags side by side. It was an entire family in three plastic bags looking like the weekly trash pickup.

* * *

My arms were useless the next day.

I could barely take a shower, let alone wield a sledgehammer or shovel. So we spent the morning doing something way worse; separating the clothes and hair from the Riddle's bones in Frank's back garden shed.

I wouldn't be surprised if my boggart now would turn into Frank's back garden shed.

On the plus side, I didn't vomit and throw up my aging potion! I'm so proud of myself.

Afterwards, we took our pile of pure nightmares and burnt it among some brush. Frank assured me he had to burn brush once in a while so no nosy villagers would wonder what the fire and smoke were about. Burnt dead people smell pretty bad too.

We kept Tom Riddle's clothes to "redress" Jerry in. They were pretty 'dapper' apparently. We thought about replacing all three bodies, but we decided against it. If Voldemort thought his father's bones had been tampered, he would suspect they all had. And if he didn't suspect anything, he would have no reason to check the other coffins.

The day after that my arms became working appendages again. Ridiculously sore appendages, but they worked again like normal.

I was staring at our pile of people bones after taking a few experimental wacks with the sledgehammer when Frank came up with an idea.

"We could turn it into bone meal instead," Frank suggested.

I carefully sat the sledgehammer next to the wall. "Bone meal as in gardening fertilizer?"

We'd used pixie bone meal as fertilizer last year in Herbology. And in my previous life, I'd bought some to fertilize some blueberry bushes.

Frank nodded. "We'd have to boil the bones first to make them soft. We'd need a big pot?" Frank looked at me expectedly.

And the nightmare continues.

"Ah, so the witch must have a big cauldron then? That's a bit offensive," I deadpanned. Frank stared back unperturbed. "Okay so I do have a cauldron." That I will have to throw away just in case Snape can tell I BOILED HUMAN BONES. Just ignore my cauldron of nightmares, Sir. Here's my homework.

Ugh, I feel queasy again.

"We boil them for awhile to soften them up. Then put it through a food processor. Then you put the mash on a dehydrator. Do you think the dehydrator is necessary if we're dumping it in the ocean?"

Eh… We probably should dehydrate them. If someone saw us dumping random mush there might be questions. As Mayoral Stood says, 'Be thorough no matter what. Because the difference between keeping all your original digits and having your fingers turn into poisonous snakes could lie in the details.'

"It's best to be thorough," I replied back and sighed.

"Hmph. Fine. But you're going to buy me a new dehydrator. I don't want to give up making banana chips," Frank grumbled.

I stared at the old man incredulously. "Seriously? The fate of the world is at stake and you're concerned with banana chips?"

"I have low potassium," Frank said completely seriously.

I rubbed my temples. "I'll get my pot of nightmares."

"Eh?"

"My cauldron I mean," I muttered and went to my bag to get out my potion equipment.

* * *

I spent a fun afternoon boiling human bones in my cauldron. It felt very Shakespearean. Oh and also dry heaving. I did that a lot. Nothing in Potion's class will ever phase me again. After the bones had softened, we put the bone mush through a food processor (I have to replace that too) and then put the mush into the dehydrator overnight. I guess I can never use a dehydrator again now without thinking of people mush. Ugh.

The next day, we put the resulting bone dust into an old Christmas Cookie tin. The cookie tin was the most urn like thing we could come up with on short notice.

I looked at the jaunty Christmas elves splattered over the tin. One elf was riding a unicycle. Sticking people dust in here seemed wrong… Then again, this had been a whole week of wrong.

"Agnes loved Christmas?" Frank suggested sounding equally unsure.

"Agnes?" I asked and gingerly set the tin on the kitchen counter.

"Agnes, my fake dead wife," Frank clarified.

I have to sneak off and take another dose of potion soon. Frank didn't need to know my other identity or my real name for that matter. He still thought my name was Sarah.

"Agnes… huh. Sure, why the fuck not?" I asked flippantly.

I put on a pair of work gloves, walked outside, and picked up my shovel. It was time to dig again. This time we were going to put ole Jerry Adams in place of Voldemort's dad. Then no more digging. Hopefully, for the rest of my life.

I'm going to be the buffest twelve year old in Hogwarts after this.

* * *

On Sunday morning, Frank and I rode the bus down to the coast. Frank didn't have a car and I couldn't rent one without an I.D. so we were stuck with the bus. Trying to drive on the opposite side of the road that I'm used to would have probably put our lives in danger anyways.

Ridding the bus wasn't bad per say. It was fairly clean, and Frank didn't bother to attempt awkward small talk. However, the woman in front of us kept sneaking nosey glances. Frank would ignore the glance and then she'd look again. They both realized she was looking and never said anything. I didn't say anything either, but mostly because I thought my American accent would draw too much attention to myself.

The woman in front of us was in her fifties with blonde teased up bushy hair and was wearing a bright blue sundress. The woman also had what I assume was her grandson with her. The chubby child was noisily licking a large red lollipop or rather, periodically wiping it all over his face. At this point, he'd become a disgustingly red smeared sticky lollipop monster; more candy than child.

The woman sneaked a glance back at us again. Frank finally seemed to have enough of the woman's sneaky glances and just started staring back at her outright. The two made eye contact and I watched them have some kind of weird British manners battle of wills. I don't think either of them blinked for a solid minute.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity, the nosey middle aged woman must have realized that the jig was up, stopped staring, and turned around in her seat.

"Lovely day isn't it? Are you going to the seaside as well?" the woman asked politely as if we hadn't just done this weird awkward British back and forth staring thing for the last ten minutes.

"Yes, to bury my poor Agnes's ashes at sea," Frank replied gruffly.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," the lady said. She then turned toward me. "I'm Betty and this is my grandson Malcom." Betty pointed to Malcom. The child smeared some more candy on his face. "It's nice of you to make this trip with your grandfather dear."

I opened my mouth and then closed it unsure if I should attempt a British accent or not.

Frank came to my rescue… sort of.

"She doesn't talk much. She's… special," Frank said and patted my head patronizingly.

Oh you sunnavabitch.

I plastered a confused smile upon my face.

"Oh you poor dear. You must miss your granny," Betty said to me very slowly and in a false cheerful voice as if she was talking to a small child.

I somehow managed not to grimace.

Betty spent the rest of the two hour trip asking me how I liked school, if I knew my "numbers" and "colors" and telling me "fun" stories of her grandkids. I kept my confused smile on my face the rest of the way and thought about if I could get away with drowning an old man in the ocean.

After two hours and with an immense sense of relief, I stepped off the bus. Betty and her sticky grandson Malcom thankfully walked off the opposite direction down to the beach (I hope she gets the worst sunburn she has ever had in her entire life).

A gentle salty tasting breeze wafted off of the ocean. The sun was actually shining for once, and the ocean glittered. People were lounging in the sun and children were playing in the surf. It would have been a nice day to be seaside if we weren't here for such a macabre task.

Frank and I walked to a less populated side of the seashore. The soft sand gave away to rockier ground and I saw a few crabs scuttling about. Eventually, we came to a secluded spot. We then took off our shoes, rolled up our pants legs, and waded slightly into the water. Despite the bright sun, the water was cold and a shock to the system. We stopped when we were about calf deep. I was about to just dump the powder into the ocean when a young man who was walking his dog started to approach.

I guess we'll have to put up a little show. What the hell, I'm trying out my British accent. I've been surrounded by British people for months. Surely, I can fake a decent British accent.

"Poor Granny!" I tried to sound choked up and sniffed for good measure. "It's such bollocks. She was taken before her time," I said in my best British accent.

Frank's left eye visible twitched as if he was in pain. Well, whatever. I've already committed to British Kasey.

I sniffled loudly. "Oh poor poor Granny …" My mind went blank.

"Agnes," Frank interjected.

"I'll always miss Granny Agnes!" I tried out a fake sob. "She used to love to knit. Remember that scarf she knitted for me last Christmas? And remember her biscuits? Oh, she had the best biscuits!"

Frank's eye twitched again, but he played along. "What will I do with her collection of teacups and uh…"

"Precious Moments figurines," I added in.

Frank nodded. "Yes, those."

"And so forgiving despite that horrible drinking problem you have," I said with a straight face.

The guy walking his dog raised his eyebrows as he walked by.

Frank scowled at me. "Yes. She was a saint."

"After my parents died in that tragic plane accident and I was orphaned she was there for me. Even when I had to overcome cancer, she held strong." I wiped a bit of sea spray from my face as if it was tears.

"She was always ready to face whatever melodramatic events life might throw at her," Frank said sadly and with only a hit of sarcasm.

I gave another dramatic sniff. "What I remember most is—"

"You can stop, he can't hear us anymore," Frank said with obvious relief.

"Good. I was starting to resent Agnes." I popped open the lid of the Christmas tin.

Frank chuckled. "You _were_ her least favorite grandchild."

I glared at Frank and then unceremoniously dumped the bone meal into the ocean. It was absorbed instantly.

Huh. That was anticlimactic. I was expecting something to go wrong.

"Well… that's that. I suppose we need to discuss how I'm going to get you the money to relocate and where you're going to go. I've got the money, but it's just going to need to be converted a few times… I've got some ideas of what we can do," I said and started walking back to the shore.

Technically, squibs can have bank accounts at Gringotts…

"We passed a café on the way to the beach. Let's have lunch and some tea," Frank suggested after we put our shoes back on.

"A spot of tea would be ever so delightful!" I said with a British accent that caused both of Frank's eyes to twitch.

"Hmph."


	26. Breaking Hearts and Stealing Souls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Please, read and review. Feedback makes me want to write. If you were Kasey, what would you have done during the summer break?

I let Frank go into Gringotts alone.

I have no idea what safeguards Gringotts has against fraud and identity theft and very little confidence in a simple aging potion to stand against them. Considering Frank was opening an account, the safeguards would probably be even more stringent.

I leaned against the alley wall and gently sat the bird cage I had been carrying on the ground. The tawny owl inside the cage gave a soft hoot and then settled back to sleep.

The goblins were surprisingly egalitarian when it came to opening up an account at Gringott's. They didn't care if you were a witch, wizard, squib, or parents of a Muggleborn. Hell, I'm not sure they'd tell on Frank if they found him out he was a regular Muggle since he was a regular Muggle with a cavernous sack of gold.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves.

Frank would be fine. There was no magical way to tell a squib from a Muggle. They were one and the same. I'd also pumped Frank full of information before coming here so he should be able to keep up with small talk if the need arose. It probably wouldn't. Goblins weren't known for being chatty.

I crouched down and looked at the sleeping owl.

I bought the owl for Frank. The plan was that Frank was going to move to Florida and settle into a nice little retirement community. That had taken some convincing (mostly arguing), but I'd eventually persuaded him to move halfway across the world. Once there, he'd use the owl to regularly send out requests to Gringott's American branch for currency exchanges. He should be set for life considering how much money I'd given him.

It was nice to see that money go to some real use rather than just sitting around in my bags.

In exchange, Frank set up a safety deposit box in his name and gave me the key. My plan was to stash some money (in both currencies) and an extra wand in there. I remember how bad things got in the books for Muggleborns. If shit ever hit the fan like that, I'd have an emergency backup stash. I had also wanted to set up a p.o. box, but I found out I needed a photo I.D. to even pick up mail.

How does one go about getting a fake I.D. anyway? Hang out in a back alley or something? If I had an I.D. to look at for comparison, maybe I could make one…

"Hoo?" The owl seemed to ask. He'd woken up and was looking at me with one eye open.

"If circumstances were different, I'd keep you myself," I whispered.

He really was a fine little owl. He had handsome mottled brown and white feathers. His disposition was sweet too. When I bought him, he had affectionately rubbed against my arm and I almost just kept him myself and bought Frank another one. But my itinerate lifestyle really isn't good for a pet even one fairly independent like a wizarding owl. And besides, he would also draw too much attention to myself.

He's just so cute though.

"Hoo," the owl answered back still not deeming to open his other eye.

Hmm, speaking of backup plans…Wizarding owls are supposed to be able to understand you. And you can't read an animal's mind with Legilimency according to the books I've read.

I looked left and right. The alleyway was still deserted. It was fairly early and the street in front of me had only a sparse sprinkling of people.

"I need to let you in on a little secret, okay? Don't go telling any of the other birds," I whispered softly to the owl. I reached out and stroked his soft side with my index finger between the cage bars.

"Hoo. Hoo," the owl replied softly and closed his eyes.

"I've told Frank my name is Sarah Williams, but that's a lie. My real name is Kasey Thompson and I can be found at the Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry from September to June. You can find me there if Frank ever seriously needs me in an emergency. This is only if he's in serious trouble and needs my help okay? We're talking life and death. If anyone else tries to find me, don't lead them there. Especially if it's a mean guy without a nose. Pretend like you're going to lead them to me and then try to lose them in the wilderness or something."

I'm not sure what I could do during the school year, but I sure as hell could try.

The owl looked at me silently and I thought I might have said too much for his little birdy brain, but then he hooted and waggled his feathers excitedly. I got the strange impression that he'd just said, 'I got you bro' in bird.

I smiled softly and gently stroked the bird's side while I waited for Frank to come out of the bank.

Fifteen minutes later, Frank emerged from the bank just as my nerves had started to fray.

I scrutinized the old man carefully. He seemed fine, if a bit annoyed. He had a band-aide on his index finger.

"They made me sign some papers in blood," Frank grumbled and adjusted his hat. "It was ridiculous. They treated me like a criminal."

I shrugged. "I think they treat everyone that isn't a goblin that way. So everything went okay otherwise?"

Frank nodded. "I've got an account and made my first exchange." Frank's eyes narrowed. "You've given me a lot more money than I originally thought. Where did you get all of this?"

I raised an eyebrow. "I can always take some of it back if you'd rather retire in squalor instead of splendor."

"Hmmph. I never said that." Frank's eyes landed on the owl. "And what should I name him?"

I thought for a moment and then suggested, "Jareth."

Frank looked up at me. "Why Jareth?"

"Why not?" I asked not feeling like explaining the plot of my favorite movie.

Frank shrugged. "It's as good a name as any."

I bent down and opened the cage. The owl hopped out and landed on my shoulder. "He's tame and can hunt for himself for the most part. You should give him treats like raw meat or mice once in a while though. Keep his cage open so he can come in and sleep."

Frank and I started walking back to the entrance to Diagon Alley. He did an admirable job at looking nonchalant, but I could still see his eyes darting about once in a while at the general weirdness.

"You'll like Florida," I reassured him.

Frank shrugged. "It's too hot."

I chuckled. "I thought old people are always cold?"

"You heard wrong. I'm not," Frank replied back stubbornly.

"You'll like Shady Pines. It's a swanky retirement community. You'll make friends your age. All the little old ladies will dig your accent," I stated confidently.

Frank scowled, but then looked thoughtful for a moment like he was taking me seriously. "Do you think so?"

I nodded. "The ladies in their golden years will think you're exotic. You'll be a British silver fox," I joked.

Frank let out a wheezy laugh. "You're off your chump."

I held out my arm and Jareth jumped to Frank's shoulder. The owl opened his other eye and titled his head several times as he looked at Frank. Frank stared back unblinking. A few moments passed by and I started to wonder if owl's didn't like non-magical people… then the owl seemed to come to some sort of decision, waddled to the crook of Frank's neck, and settled down comfortably.

Frank cleared his throat. "You're… a very acceptable little feather duster."

"Hoo," the owl said and then went to sleep on Frank's shoulder.

"What are you sleeping for? I can't take you on the plane. You've got an intercontinental journey to make," Frank grumbled at the bird but then petted its head gently with his index finger.

"Hoo?" Jareth the owl opened one eye and looked at him feathers ruffled.

"Who as in you!" Frank argued back.

I smiled as I watched Frank argue with his bird as we walked back to the entrance of Diagon Alley.

At least, he won't be alone.

* * *

The summer dragged on.

I tried to make the most of my extra time. I got a hotel for a few days in London and did the whole tourist thing. I did all of my Muggle clothes shopping for the upcoming year. I spent time in the London library and gathered up info about various camping sites throughout England and Scotland. I even gathered up the phone numbers of every person in the U.K. whose last name is Umbridge in a half baked idea that I could get Umbridge's estranged Muggle brother to provide me with some Muggle photos to embarrass her with. I did my homework. I made a year's worth of History of Magic notes.

Then I took a train to Scotland and spent two weeks wild camping and being a tourist over there. It was very pretty and the Isle of Man was gorgeous, but I feel like I would have been way more impressed by the castles if I hadn't spent most of the year in a real magical one. And when I thought I couldn't look at another castle ruin I just... studied. Everything.

How is it still only July?

There's only so much you can get out of studying magic without the practical aspect. I even found a regular stick to practice the wand movements, but it still lacked the... feeling? Zing? Whatever that indescribable feeling is when you cast magic, it's not there.

I slumped over the foldout table inside my tent and rested my head on my arms. How am I going to make it through the whole summer?

Lately, I'd been studying runes. Runes was mostly memorization so I studied with flash cards. I did try cracking open my Arithmancy book, but after a few hours my mind started to swim. Maybe the book I got is too advanced. Is there a 'Baby's First Arithmancy Picture Book' I can start with instead?

I sat up and stretched. The stupid aches were back. I think I'm having growing pains. I vaguely remember how they felt from the first time around. If this was anything like last time, I'll grow all at once one summer and then more or less just stop. I was only five foot four last time and wasn't seeing any evidence that I was going to get that much taller this time.

I popped an aspirin and then looked blurrily back at my flash cards. A lot of the runes looked the same...

"Hoo?" called an owl three feet from me from the floor of my tent.

I startled and nearly fell out of my chair.

"Hoo! Hoo!" the owl called out again impatiently and held out its leg. It had a letter attached bearing the Hogwarts seal.

How the heck had it even gotten in here?

I leaned down and took the school supply letter from the owl. The bird stood still and stared at me expectedly.

"I'm sorry, I don't have any owl treats," I admitted to the owl.

The owl gave a little owl like shrug, waddled to the tent flap, undid the tie with its beak, and then waddled back out the tent.

I stared.

If the tie was still shut, then how did it come in? Unless it retied the tie?

I shrugged.

Eh, whatever. Magic.

I broke the seal and opened up the letter. It was indeed the list of supplies and books. Hmm, it looks like we need a new stirring stick for potions made out of crystal. The next book in the Standard Spells book series was on the list. I'd bought all of those last year. The Astronomy Professor wanted us to get a book about harvesting starlight and a protractor. Sprout wanted us to get a book on fertilizer. Huh...

I looked at the back of the list. I opened up the envelope and double checked there wasn't anything else left in it just to be sure.

Lockhart's books weren't on the list. If we're not getting Lockhart as a teacher, then who are we getting? Wait a minute... I checked the list again… Huh. Weird.

There weren't any Defense Against the Dark Arts books on the list at all.

Hermione's going to be pissed.

* * *

July dragged on into August. The week of Lockhart's book signing arrived so I bundled up my stuff and went back to London. I arrived a day before the signing. If I got my actual school supply shopping out of the way today, then I would be ready to become the Queen of Loiter Town at the book store tomorrow. Then I'd be present for any possible fight between Lucius Malfoy and Arthur Weasley.

I'd changed a lot of the timeline intentionally and unintentionally, but I think the confrontation still might happen. Even if she might deny it, I felt that it was likely that Molly arranged a trip to Diagon Alley purposely on the day of Lockhart's book signing.

Lucius Malfoy's appearance was more iffy, but it's possible he was there to get a signed copy for his wife. There's no reason middle aged Death Eater ladies couldn't also lust after Lockhart. He also could have planned the diary exchange instead of just seizing the opportunity. Maybe Arthur talked about Molly being into Lockhart's books at the Ministry and Lucius overheard? I got the impression Lucius Malfoy lurked at the Ministry at lot despite not having a job there.

If not well… I'll figure something out. Hopefully. The whole murderous snake business is NOT going to happen. Not if I have anything to say about it.

I entered Diagon Alley in my regular twelve year old body and made short work of my school supply list. To my delight, I even found a new book by my favorite author Mayoral Stood entitled, "So You Weren't Paranoid Enough: Escaping Certain Doom for the Stupid".

Next, I stopped by Ollivander's and bought a second wand. Or at least, I EVENTUALLY bought a second wand after promising Ollivander I hadn't broken my first one, that I wouldn't try to use to use two at once, and that I would ONLY use the second one if the first one broke. I was half expecting him to bring out a contract I'd have to sign in blood. Is buying a second wand really that unusual?

I had wanted to buy two additional wands so I could keep a backup in my trunk. However, when I asked Ollivander acted like I'd asked for a wand to be made with the blood of a murdered orphan child or something so I just dropped the issue. I'll try again next year.

I was pretty happy with my second wand. Surprisingly, it wasn't exactly like my other one. Apparently, the specific wand chooses the wielder and not just a wood/core combination. It was a pretty wand made out of a pale almost white wood; silver lime with a phoenix feather core. I must have an affinity towards phoenix wands.

After my shopping was done, I decided to visit a place I'd been curious about ever since I'd read the ad in one of Hannah's Witch Weekly magazines, Madam Mimsey's Glamourers. The building in Diagon Alley was easy enough to find. The giant golden scissors and wand at the top of the building were hard to miss.

The building was ridiculously posh compared to the two nondescript office buildings that flanked it on each side. The front of the building was all marble columns and gold filigree. Behind a pristine window display, various expensive looking beauty concoctions lay on a bed of pearly white satin.

One of the bottles boasted it contained Atlantean pearls as one of its ingredients. Even the Malfoy's would consider anything with Atlantean pearls to be a special occasion item. Hopefully, not everything in there was as lavish. I'd hate to find a cure for Eloise's acne and then find out she couldn't afford it.

I walked in.

It was just as opulent inside. The floors were white marble, the front desk was marble with gold leaf motif decorating the edges, and a crystal chandelier sparkled on the ceiling. It looked surprisingly similar to a Muggle beauty salon. There were recognizable black salon chairs, sinks, and separate styling stations with large mirrors behind them. Several women in gold robes were manning the stations. One woman was washing someone's hair and a second was trimming a man's hair with a pair of gold scissors.

But there were also noticeable differences. The scissors were moving on their own, and the soap the stylist was lathering was producing large rainbow bubbles that let out soft musical notes when they popped. Other stations were doing more mysterious things. A twenty something woman with pale blonde hair had opaque blue bubbles over her eyes and a bald man sat perfectly still as a woman seemingly planted hair into his scalp.

And I mean planted literally, like a Chia Pet. She was watering his head with a tiny watering can and tiny hairs were sprouting out of the bald spots.

"Have a seat, I'll be with you in a moment," the receptionist called out to me and pointed to a small sitting area to the left. The receptionist was a waif thin blonde with a small beauty mark at the top of her lip with a beehive hairdo. Huh, actually all of the stylists have beehive hairdos. Must be part of their work uniform? Weird.

I walked off to the side and sat down in a plush gold chair that looked more like a French renaissance throne than a waiting room chair.

The receptionist turned back towards the woman in front of me in line.

"I have a bit of a problem…" A tall black haired woman mumbled to the receptionist. Her robes were huge on her, dragging the floor.

The black haired woman shifted and I got a glimpse of the front of her… Whoa.

Problem was an understatement. One boob was normal sized and the other was… well there was a reason she was wearing a giant robe. I don't think they make bras that big… okay they do but they're called parachutes.

The receptionist just raised an eyebrow. "Tried to attempt the transfiguration yourself did you? There's a reason we're licensed by the Ministry you know."

The black haired woman nodded miserably.

"Come on then, we'll get you fixed up," The receptionist said briskly and led the enlarged woman to a back room. The poor woman had to literally hold her boob out in front of her to fit around the desk.

Weeelll… I won't be trying self transfiguration on my own anytime soon.

In front of me, was a magazine rack with copies of Witch Weekly, Sorceress Monthly (An Australian based magazine apparently), and brochures for the salon. I picked up a few brochures to peruse.

The brochures were rather enlightening. A Glamourer was a like a Muggle hair stylist, esthetician, and plastic surgeon rolled into one. They offered services diverse as hair cuts, breast augmentation/deaugmention, eye dying, vision correction (ooooh!), fingernail polish/fingernail replacement, nose selection (sounds ominous), de-hairfying (no seriously it was called that), figure shaping (sounds promising), facials, massages, voice pitching (what?), and other esoteric sounding treatments I couldn't even guess as to their function.

I sat the brochures down and gazed around the salon. A woman in the salon chair directly in front of me lowered her newspaper.

She had no skin on her face.

I stared. The woman stared back. I stared some more. Finally, the woman scowled in my direction and said in a nasally voice, "Have you never seen a facial before? It's rude to stare! Do they just let any riffraff in here?"

The woman put her newspaper in front of her face again and went back to reading.

Across from the newspaper reading woman, an older woman with thick black dreads down her back tried flagging down a stylist.

"Are you sure this is safe? It's burning a little?" the older woman asked. She had a hard looking pink mask on her face that looked like it was keeping her from moving her mouth properly.

"Of course, it's safe! The burning is how you can tell it is working. We guarantee it will remove all facial wrinkles as if they'd never been there at all!" A plump brunette stylist assured her client.

The older woman smiled.

"But don't do that unless you want to keep that smile forever," The glamourer stylist advised nonchalantly.

The older woman's face instantly became placid, but her eyes still looked panicked.

The receptionist walked into my line of view and addressed me. "Now, how can I help you Miss? Are you waiting for your mother?"

I shook my head. "No. I was wondering if you had any creams or potions that would help clear up acne?"

The receptionist leaned in and peered at my face.

"It's not for me." I touched my face self consciously. "It's for a friend. Her acne is really bad and it's starting to scar."

"Hmm…" The receptionist rocked back on her heels. "We don't generally sell our products to the underage if not accompanied by an adult."

Maybe being honest would be the best bet here.

"She's a Muggleborn and her mom died when she was young. It's just her and a bunch of older brothers. I don't know if her dad would bring her here at all," I admitted. From everything Eloise has told me about her father, it seemed unlikely. Her dad didn't seem a bad sort; just very serious and no nonsense. He'd probably think something like this was a frivolous expense.

"It's against the shop's policy to sell most of our products to the underage. Some of them can be quite potent," the receptionist told me and then peered at me again. "Unless you're looking to get those split ends trimmed? We can certainly accommodate that."

What? Split ends?

I touched my hair self-consciously.

No, don't get distracted!

"Isn't there some less potent cream or potion you could give me? Or at least point me in the right direction for something I could make?" I asked desperately.

The receptionist seemed to be getting impatient. "I'm sorry. I want to help you, but she really needs to be here with a guardian. Have you tried asking the school nurse at Hogwarts?"

I scowled feeling some of my past anger come back to me. "Yes, we tried. She treated us like we were being stupid little girls and basically told us to come back when we have a "real" medical issue! But scars are serious business! A young girl's face is very important to her! People are cruel to her because of the acne…" I held up my hands in frustration. "It's not frivolous, it's an actual heath issue!"

A woman shaped shadow descended upon both of us.

"SHE SAID WHAT?"

The receptionist and I both jumped back instinctively.

A mountain of a woman stood before us. She loomed over six feet tall not counting the nine inch sparkly gold stiletto heels. Her platinum blonde beehive was somehow taller than the other glamourers and her robes somehow infinitely more sparkly. She wore large gold cat eye glasses. Her makeup was immaculate. Her outfit was immaculate. Everything about her was poised, glittery, and purposeful.

The room had gone quiet. Everyone was watching us.

"M-Madam Mimsey!" the receptionist stammered. "I was just about to escort this little girl out of the store. I know the policy is too—"

Madam Mimsey snapped her fingers together. Her manicure was perfect too.

"Please, go back to your work station Natasha. I will handle this customer," Madam Mimsey said imperiously.

The Natasha the receptionist looked dumbfounded. "But you said—"

Mimsey held up one finger and made a "zip up your mouth and throw away the key" movement.

The receptionist closed her mouth, nodded, and scurried away fearfully.

"Now darling," Madam Mimsey drawled turning her queen like gaze towards me. I tried not to wince. "Come to my office."

Without waiting for my reply, Madam Mimsey turned briskly and began to walk to the back of the shop. Her heels made loud clicking sounds in the quiet room. Her hips swayed impressively as she walked. I want to be able to swagger like that someday wearing heels. I wonder if she gives lessons? I walk like a newborn baby deer when I'm wearing heels.

I trotted after her.

We headed to the back of the shop and passed down a long hallway. Along the way, we passed several closed doors with interesting signs such as 'figure shaping', 'debriding', and 'the ocean room'. A glamourer came out of one room as we passed and I got a glimpse of a woman in a bathing suit hanging from her ankles being dunked into a vat of bubbly green goo. Another room was open and empty and contained what looked like a giant mechanical octopus hanging from the ceiling with syringes on the end of each tentacle.

I really wanted to know what it did, but was rather too intimidated to ask.

Finally, we reached a room with the name plate "Head Glamourer". Madam Mimsey opened the door and walked in. I followed behind.

The room was impressively large but mostly empty with three golden chairs in front of a marble desk. Behind the desk was an indoor waterfall that poured into a small fish pond.

"Now darling," Madam Mimsey lowered her glasses slightly and peered at me over the top of them, "How can I help you?"

"Why do you wear glasses if you can fix your vision?" I blurted out randomly, then winced.

Stupid nervous rambling!

The silence in the room was deafening.

Then the woman surprised me by smiling slightly.

"Oh, I don't need to wear them. I simply enjoy looking intimidatingly over the top of them. Is it working?" Madam Mimsey asked curiously.

"Uh, I guess?" I replied still thrown off guard.

"Good," Madam Mimsey nodded to herself and became all business like again. "Explain your situation to me once more in detail this time."

I explained the situation the best I could including Madam Pomphrey's lack of help.

"Hmm, that decrepit old bag of a sister of mine has certainly done you wrong," Madam Mimsey tapped her sparkly gold fingernails on her desk and looked thoughtful.

"Sister?" I asked surprised.

"Yes, half sister technically. She was always terribly jealous of me." Madam Mimsey sighed dramatically. "It pains me to see she's letting her phobia of fashion leak into her professionalism. Her dedication to plainness is her strange business, but she shouldn't turn a young girl away in her time of need. A young woman's face is her life! Her beauty is her weapon against the world! She could have at least given you my business card. I know she has them. I send them to her every Christmas," Madam Mimsey admonished.

"So will you help me?" I asked hesitantly.

"Of course darling. I will give you a vial of cream that will prevent any future scarring." She paused and held up a sparkly finger. "However, it will not clear up the acne. I can't in good conscious treat a young lady that I have not seen in person. There are many different underlying causes and a treatment must be tailored to the individual. And treatment for any past scarring must wait a few more years until she's done growing."

I suppose that's fair.

Madam Mimsey handed me a palm sized vial along with her business card.

"Tell her to use it once a week. Put only a small drop on each cheek and then smooth into the skin. This should last her all year," Madam Mimsey explained.

I turned the vial around in my hands. The lavender crystal container was beautiful.

I picked up my purse. "How much?"

Madam Mimsey waved her hand in the air. "Do not concern yourself. Consider this a wrong of my family's that I have righted."

I stared. "You can't just give me this! I know it's expensive. I have money."

Madam Mimsey went silent and stared at me intensely over the top of her glasses.

Okay, maybe that look is rather effective.

"I can't? You'll find I can, and will do, whatever I want. You may buy the vial next year if you so desire, but this time you will take it graciously. Just promise me you will try to get her here in person?" Madam Mimsey raised one thin eyebrow.

I nodded. "I'll do my best."

Maybe Hannah's mom could help?

"If you must spend money, get those horrid split ends trimmed off. You look like you've been camping all summer," Madam Mimsey scolded. She then waved her hand and her door opened.

I touched my hair in horror.

"You are dismissed," Madam Mimsey declared and proceeded to go about looking through a stack of paper ignoring my existence.

I took my crystal vial and shuffled out of the office awkwardly.

Before I left, I got my hair cut.

* * *

The next day, I went back to Diagon Alley. I thought showing up two hours early before Lockhart's signing was overkill, but I was wrong. The place was already packed to the brim with wild-eyed Lockhart fangirls. And I do mean wild-eyed. Half were clutching their books like they were life preservers in a storm and the other half were looking around with this intense searching gaze like a starving lion searching the savannah for a gazelle.

A particularly wide woman in yellow robes shoved me aside to secure her place in line. To avoid further shoving, I slipped backwards and stood behind one of the shelves near the door. This way I could still see the door, but avoid any possible fangirl stampede. I would just have to pretend to be interested in…

I glanced at the shelf.

Charming cheese? Does that subject really need a whole shelf?

I picked up, "Charming Your Own Cheese" by Tiffany Aching and settled in to wait for the Malfoys and Weasleys to arrive.

I'd half convinced myself that, yes, I DID want to charm my own cheese, by the time Lockhart made his appearance.

Lockhart apparated at the top of the second floor stairs with a loud crack with his arms spread wide. His bright turquoise robes sparkled and had an attached cape made of peacock feathers. As he strode down the stairs a breeze picked up the cape and furled it around him. He made it to the bottom of the stairs and flashed a bright white smile at the crowd.

I swear one of those animated 'TING' sound affects appeared on his teeth.

"Welcome, friends! I'm so delighted to meet you all!" Lockhart declared in a booming voice.

There was a collective feminine sigh of longing from the audience.

"Now, no one rush the stage at once! There's a bit of me for everyone! Please, form a neat line!" Lockhart called out jovially.

The adult women in the store quickly formed a tidy line like obedient school girls.

His command over the room was impressive. Even though he's an incompetent wizard and a fraud, the power he holds over this room is very real.

Lockhart sat down at a cordoned off table and began to sign copies of his book. To his credit, he seemed to spend time talking to each fan and even flirting with some of them. It's really a shame he had to assault people by stealing their memories in order to make his books about himself. I'd read one on a lark last year and they were actually well written. He could have probably made an honest living as a fiction novelist.

"Don't worry mum, your boyfriend is still here," exclaimed a familiar voice.

I looked toward the entrance. The Weasleys had entered the bookstore. Harry wasn't with them.

"Fred, shush!" Molly Weasley held a finger angrily to her lips and glared at her son. Then Molly's expression instantly brightened. "I suppose since I'm here, I might as well get my book signed."

Fred snorted.

Molly continued unperturbed, "I'll stay in line while you lot go get your school books. Remember to get only the ones we've marked. We'll get the rest at the used bookstore." Molly glared at Fred and George. "And don't you dare try to sneak into the prohibited section again!"

Gross, I remember what was back there…

Fred and George laughed. Arthur started to laugh too and then abruptly tried to turn it into a cough instead at the look his wife gave him. Ginny handed her cauldron to her dad and then the younger Weasleys dispersed into the crowd to look for their school books.

Several more minutes passed, and I was starting to get worried. The noise level in the room picked up several notches and I could no longer clearly hear Arthur and Molly's conversation. Luckily though, before Molly and Arthur got much further down the line none other than Lucius Malfoy strode in. I'd never met the guy before, but he had very distinctive long flowing platinum blonde hair and a stuck up expression. Either it was him or a Lord of the Rings elf had wandered out of Rivendale and gotten really really lost.

Draco was nowhere to be seen.

Lucius said something to Arthur and Molly, but I couldn't pick out what exactly he had said. It must have been some variation of his usual asshole remarks, because Arthur went blood red and said something angrily back.

I gathered up several more books into my hands. If this was going to work, I needed a decent amount to scatter.

Lucius and Arthur yelled at each other a bit more. Arthur dropped Ginny's cauldron and socked Lucius in the jaw. As the fisticuffs started swinging, I watched Lucius carefully. The two rolled near Ginny's dropped cauldron and Lucius hand fell near the cauldron. He dropped something rectangular and black into the pot.

That was my cue.

I stepped out from behind the shelf carrying a precarious stack of cheese related books, walked up to the two brawling men, and sort of… artfully tripped into them.

Several things happened at once.

My stack of books went flying. Someone elbowed me in the head. Lucius fell backwards and into the rather rotund woman in the yellow robes that had shoved me earlier. The woman in the yellow robes bumped into someone else who yelled about 'cutting in line'. More screaming erupted. A woman shoved another woman. Someone's hair was pulled. Someone's wig flew through the air like an angry bat. Lockhart started running away as a woman jumped the roped off area and chased him up the stairs. Six rows of book shelves fell over like dominos. Before I knew it, the chaos had spread throughout the bookstore like fiendfyre.

I looked up from the ground and rubbed my sore head.

Holy shit…I had started a RIOT.

Cool.

I mean, uh horrible! I have to get the heck out of here!

I started to crawl on my hands and knees towards the door.

I rolled to the side and narrowly avoided a lion made of ripped of paperback books as it pounced on a teenaged bookstore employee.

Lucius cast a spell at Arthur that missed and hit an older woman wearing a vulture hat. The vulture hat became a live vulture and dive bombed Lucius.

Books started to rain down from the second floor only to turn into water before they hit the crowd. Multicolored rain fell on us.

Unfortunately, the doorway was blocked by Arthur Weasley and Lucius Malfoy. Worse, Molly Weasley was using Arthur's cauldron as a shield against the hat vulture. I wouldn't be able to sneak my hand into it.

At least, Arthur appeared to be winning. That's a grade "A" headlock you got there, sir. Classic sleeper hold. Lucius is even turning a little blue.

I ducked under a table.

The chaos went on for another thirty seconds when a blood curdling screaming ripped through the den of chaos and someone screamed, "MURDERER!"

Silence fell upon the bookstore and everyone looked over at the stairway in shock. My heart fell into my stomach. Did I accidently cause someone to get killed?!

Lockhart stood on the stairs holding large chunks of his hair. Tears were streaming down his eyes. There was a large bald spot at the top of his head.

"NOOO! MY HAIR! YOU MURDERED MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"

A blonde woman stood in front of Lockhart looking shocked. She also held a chunk of his hair. "I'm so sorry! I only wanted a small piece!"

Oh what the fuck ever. I'll show the conceited little shit a murder! He made me think I'd accidently caused an innocent person to die!

I inched towards the door again through the now inert crowd.

Lockhart started spouting a eulogy about his hair. Other women (and some men) held each other and looked teary eyed as if they were holding a candlelight vigil for lost loved ones. The woman in the yellow robes started outright sobbing.

The "tragedy" seemed to have mellowed everyone out. Eventually, the eulogy reached a fever pitch and began fade to out (even Lockhart could only go on so long about his hair) and the crowd started to disperse.

I could see the Weasleys out of the corner of my eye. They'd reunited with their kids and were leaving the store.

I stepped around the paperback lion (who was now docilely rubbing up against the teenaged shopkeeper) and almost made it to the door.

"Miss, you'll have to pay for that," a bookstore employee pointed at my hand. I looked down. Huh, I was still holding onto a paperback copy of "Charming Your Own Cheeses". The cover was bent and slightly ripped.

Seriously?! All that chaos and this is what you care about?

I checked out as fast as I could, practically throwing the money at the employee. The Weasleys were gone… but maybe they're going back through the floo?

I ran out of the bookstore at a full sprint looking desperately around for a crowd of redheads. They can't be that hard to find surely?

I caught up to them just as they were about to enter the Leaky Cauldron.

"Excuse me." I breathed deeply and tried to catch my breath. The Weasley family paused and looked over at me. "I was standing next to you guys when the… incident in the book store happened and I dropped my diary. Could you see if it got mixed into your things? I couldn't find it anywhere in the shop."

Wow, Molly and Arthur looked wrecked. Not injured or anything, more like they'd flown their brooms directly into a tornado and came out the other side.

Ron peered at me suspiciously. "Do I know you? You look familiar…"

"She's in your year Ron," Fred deadpanned.

George rolled his eyes. "Unobservant as ever."

"Of course I know her," Ron protested turning redder than his hair. "I was just joking! She's uh um... Hannah Abbot?"

Oh for fucks sake.

"Kasey Thompson," I said with some exasperation.

Fred flicked Ron's ear. "Our Ron's got a brain like a steel sieve. Merlin's beard Ron, there aren't that many kids in your year."

Ron glared at Fred.

Wait… I think I figured out which one is which! Fred's the one with the freckle on his ear! Achievement unlocked?

George flicked Ron's other ear.

"Hey!" Ron protested and rubbed his ear.

Molly Weasley waggled her finger at the twins with a scowl on her face. "Don't hit your brother!"

"At least, I wasn't in a bloody riot," Fred muttered under his breath.

Molly didn't hear him (or chose to ignore him) and turned to me. Her expression flipped to a sweet smile instantly. It was unnerving. "It's nice to meet you dear. Of course, we'll look. Ginny, do you have her book in your cauldron?"

Ginny sat her cauldron on the cobblestone street and began to rifle through hit.

"Are you a friend of the twin's then?" Molly asked while Ginny was searching around. It looks like they'd carelessly chucked a bunch of things into her cauldron when they'd left the bookshop.

Hmm… a friends of the twins? Well… sort of. On the other hand… An evil thought occurred to me and I decided to run with it. It's time to get revenge for the Glitter of Shame incident.

I smiled sweetly and tried to look bashful. "Oh I suppose I'm a friend? They each had a crush on me. I had to turn them both down though. It's not right for brothers to fight over a girl." I made my eyes wide and guileless. "I'm just too young for dating… you know?"

Behind Molly, the twins gaped liked drowning fish.

"Oh my… That's very sensible of you. They'll be plenty of time for that sort of thing later," Molly replied back looking like she accepted the bucket of bullshit I just lobbed at her.

George recovered first. "That is NOT what happened!"

"At all!" Fred added in. "We just know her from…" He floundered obviously thinking of the pile of secret money they'd gotten from me. "Just from school!"

"Is this it?" Ginny asked holding out a black leather book from her cauldron. The black leather was obviously aged and the edges of the pages were yellowed.

There it was. A piece of Voldemort's soul…

"Oh you found it!" I squealed happily doing my best impression of Hannah the last time she'd opened her monthly Charmed4U box. "Thank you very much!"

I reached for the book, but Fred yanked it out of Ginny's hands first.

"Give it back git!" Ginny jumped for it, but Fred held it over her head.

Fred flipped through it and then looked up confused. "It's blank."

So you were going to freaking read it if it wasn't?!

"Yes. That's how they come when you first buy them," I explained slowly as if he was a small child.

Ginny laughed.

Molly snapped her fingers and pointed at me. "Give the girl her book right now." Fred jumped a bit at the snap and then grumpily handed the book back to me. Molly turned towards me and became a sweet middle aged mom again. "It was nice meeting you dear. We do have to get going though."

I tried not to wince as my bare hand clutched the diary. I feel like I should be wearing gloves...

"Thanks. Have a good day." I glanced over at Mr. Weasley who had been silent this whole time. "By the way, excellent right hook Mr. Weasley!" I laughed, waved goodbye, and walked away.

"She's just a girl we know mum," Fred protested once I had started to walk away.

Mrs. Weasley said something I didn't catch.

"What? No! We are not fighting over a girl!" George sputtered back angrily.

Their voices faded off into the distance as we got further apart.

Hah! Take that Weasley twins! A badger lies in wait for her vengeance until it's the right time to spring from the ground!

I glanced down at the diary. It didn't FEEL evil. It didn't look evil either or appear to be bound in human skin. No ghostly voice whispered from its pages. It just looked like an old book. I suppose that makes it all the more insidious?

I unceremoniously dumped a piece of the dark lord's soul in my bag on top of my cauldron cakes and my new socks. I'll have to keep this with me until school starts and I can stash it in the Room of Requirement. I hate that I have to keep it with me this long. I really need to get this away from my person before I start strangling chickens with my bare hands or whatever.

Bad things happen to NPCs when they carry around plot devices.

* * *

It was late after I dropped off my spare wand in the safety deposit box so on impulse I decided to "camp out" again in the mysterious gold vault. Diagon Alley was close by, and I could use my x-ray specs to see if the dimension mirror that had brought me here was unbroken under the mountain of gold it was buried under. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to pick up another clue about its origins now that I know more about magic.

I got to the outhouse entrance without incident. The outhouse entrance was the same. I did notice a rune carved under the toilet seat after I jumped in. I didn't recognize the specific rune, but wouldn't be surprised if it was part of the enchantment that made the place smell horrific. I copied it down on a scrap piece of paper before I started down the corridors.

The corridors were still cramped (perhaps more so now) and narrow. An adult could crouch down and fit in here, but most couldn't stand fully upright. I turned on my flashlight and kept a close eye for anything suspicious or magical, but wasn't surprised I didn't find any more runes. It was simple to make runes invisible. If only I could use my wand…

My back was getting really sore by the time I found the entrance to the vault. I walked in and the torches on the side of the walls sprang to life. The gold filled vault glittered spectacularly.

It really is awe inspiring in here. But now that I think about it, keeping this much "cash" on hand is really weird. I thought rich people were supposed to tie up their money in assets and properties and such. Unless, taking all of this out of circulation was some kind of giant 'screw you' to the goblin run banks?

I bent down and picked up a handful of gold. I turned the coins over in my hand and watched as they caught the light.

It didn't look like counterfeit gold and no merchant had refused to take it. I hadn't seen any reports in the news about counterfeit currency circulating. But hey, who knows? Alice Viatorium did make an enchanted mirror that allowed people to cross dimensions, she might be able to make fake galleons.

I pocketed the gold coins and started walking around.

There were a lot of expensive antiques laying around; an antique chair, an expensive looking desk, a few medieval weapons. No books sadly. No obvious runes or magical devices leaped to my attention.

I definitely wasn't going to go around poking everything like I did last time. Now that I have actual magical knowledge of the ghastly things curses can do to a person… What a moron I was! My brain could have leaked out of my ears! And that's a best case scenario!

After it became apparent I wasn't going to find out anything new by only looking, I pulled out my x-ray vision glasses. I then walked around cautiously, adjusting the tiny dials on the side until I got to the opacity I wanted. The glasses let you see through solid objects, but it wasn't in crystal clear clarity. Through them, the world looked monochrome and hazy. Each layer you attempted to look through was like pushing aside a layer of smoke. The more layers you attempted to look through, the less distinct the image became.

I adjust the glasses again.

I think I can barely see the outline of the mirror. It looks undamaged…

Something slammed into me from behind knocking me to the ground. The wind was knocked out of me and my vision swam. I tried to scramble up, but my body wouldn't obey my commands. I was petrified. Something jumped on my back and I felt sharp cold steel settle on the back of my neck.

"No one steals from the Boss's vault…and lives. Put the gold back or I'll cut ya," A gravelly voice threatened and pushed the knife slightly into my skin.

The weight on my back feels rather… small?

Is… Is that a house elf?!


	27. CHARMED4U: The European Tour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Please read and review! Reviews are what motivate me to write! They really do matter. I even google the story once in awhile to see if it's been recommended anywhere. I'm really a sad person.

Hard galleons bit into my face. My limbs were all askew. I think I was unintentionally drooling a little.

"Put the gold back!" the voice hissed angrily in an Italian accent.

Come on! I'm still petrified. HOW DID IT EXPECT ME TO GIVE THE GOLD BACK IF I CAN'T MOVE?!

"Ahcahnewfozeme!" I cried indignantly.

"Oh, right," the voice muttered and I felt it jump off of me.

My body relaxed as I felt the spell lift from me. I turned around and scrambled to my feet.

It was indeed an elf but a very oddly dressed elf. Instead of the usual elven toga or tea towel, this one was wearing a shirt and pants patched together with dozens and dozens of mismatched bits of cloth. On his wrist he wore a strange leather bracelet that had a glass globe attached to it.

The elf brandished a knife in front of him again. "Well? Out with it!"

I emptied my pockets and dropped the gold back on the ground.

The elf sniffed the air. Then he stepped closer to me and sniffed again. "Eh? I know you've got more on you!"

I stepped back out of the reach of the knife. "W-What are you talking about?"

Surely he can't _smell_ it?

"You do! You lie! Take it out of your bag you fool or I'll cut you!" The elf made a few stabbing motions in the air in my direction.

I stepped backed nervously and eyed the entrance. The doorway was way too far away to make a break for it. Besides, elves can apparate.

I took the four bags of gold out of my main bag and dropped them onto the floor of the vault. The elf didn't need to know about the backup bag in the Room of Requirement and the other backup in Frank's safety deposit box.

The elf waved his hand at the vault. He then glanced at the device on his wrist. The globe glowed blue for a moment and then became clear again. I don't know what he gleaned from the spell, but he wasn't happy with the information. He looked back at me with murderous intent. I thought for a heart stopping moment that he was about to launch himself forward and that'd be the end of me. I'd bleed to death slowly and no one would ever find me.

That would… be really embarrassing actually. All the other witches and wizards would make fun of me in the afterlife for sure. Would I even go to the same afterlife? Are their separate afterlives for each dimension?

STOP IT! FOCUS!

"Where's the rest of it? You've got more in your bag then?" The elf started to advance on me.

I stepped back cautiously. Maybe I could kick him away and reach for my wand at the same time?

"I'm sorry," I said and inched my hand toward my bag so I could grab my wand. My heart pounded in my ears. "I may have spent a little of it?"

The elf gasped again and looked at me in astonishment. He dropped his knife. "You… you SPENT some of it?!"

Relatively speaking…It was just a little of this giant vault.

"So no more stabbing then?" I asked nervously but didn't move my hand away from my bag.

The elf rubbed his eyes and looked around blearily. "The mirror… where is it? Is William with you? Where is he?"

"Who?" I asked wracking my brain to figure out who he was talking about.

"William! The boss's son!" The elf shrieked and pulled on his ears violently.

"I don't know a William. I was pushed into the mirror by a guy who was selling it at a flea market," I admitted. That guy's name might have been William? Who knows?

The elf stopped pulling his ears and looked confused. "Why were you buying and selling fleas?"

"Uh, it's not about selling actual fleas… It's like a yard sale?" I elaborated.

"Muggles sell their yards separately?" The elf was looking at me like I was the crazy one.

I shook my head. "No! A flea market is a bunch of Muggles getting together and selling their used items to other Muggles."

Why I am even talking about this?

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I've been called Shivy," the elf replied.

I raised an eyebrow. "What kind of name is Shivy?"

He seems really odd for an elf.

The elf rolled his eyes. "The kind that I got." Shivy squinted at me in suspicion. "So you're not with William but you spent the money eh? What's the name then?"

I decided to take a chance at honesty. "My name is Kasey Thompson."

Shivy shrugged. "Never heard of you."

"Do you know how the mirror works? Why were you expecting that William would be with me? And where were you last year anyway?" I asked in a rush. This might be my only chance to get answers.

Shivy regarded me thoughtfully. "Hmm… not going to tell you unless you answer some of MY questions. Oh and you can have the gold back. It's just a waste here!"

I looked at him incredulously. "You were literally about to stab me for it a moment ago!" My gaze turned suspicious. "You're not going to stab me while I bend down are you?"

Shivy laughed. "If I wanted to stab you I would have already stabbed you."

"Ooookay then…"

That's not comforting at all…

I watched as Shivy picked up his knife from the ground and pocketed it. I moved my hand away from my bag and very cautiously picked up the gold sacks and put them back in my bag.

Shivy walked in a circle around me sizing me up from every angle. "So you must be… what? The boss's granddaughter … or eh great granddaughter?"

I gaped at the insane elf. "What the hell? No, I am not! Why would you even think that?"

Shivy apparated suddenly and reappeared sitting on a nearby antique dresser. "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure!"

"Eeeehhh? Like really sure?" Shivy asked again.

"My great grandmother's name isn't Alice!"

Shivy shrugged. "Ah well, changed her name then didn't she?"

"No, because my great grandmother isn't an evil witch!" I paused and remembered my extremely unpleasant great grandmother who spent holidays and family reunions scowling at people and muttering hateful things under her breathe. "Not a magical one anyway."

Shivy looked unconvinced. "She doesn't scowl a lot and talk about how much she wants to destroy her enemies?" Shivy looked wistful. "Ah, how I miss her."

"Plenty of people are unpleasant without being interdimensional travelers. Why would Alice even go to my home dimension let alone stay there?"

Why would anyone want to go to Ohio at all really?

Shivy seemed nonplussed. "That other place must be full of witches and wizards. I assume everyone does magic all day out in the open and such."

"Uh, no they do not," I argued back.

This insane elf will just not take no for an answer.

"Must have been so nice she stayed. I bet she got William into an excellent wizarding school," Shivy said and sighed wistfully.

I threw my hands up in frustration. "Why ask me questions and then ignore me?"

"Was your great-grandmother Italian?" Shivy asked.

Err… just a coincidence I'm sure.

"Lots of people have Italian heritage. Look, I know I'm not related to her. I've seen her portrait!"

Shivy shrugged again. "That was the boss's Great Aunt. Too much time in storage has made it loose its mind if a painting even has one. The Boss should have thrown paint thinner on it if you ask me." The elf rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "It kept calling me Charlie Dodgson for some reason."

"I know my great-grandmother wasn't a witch. She didn't have any powers at all. If she had powers, I'm sure she'd have used them on her family at some point. She probably wouldn't have gotten through a single Thanksgiving without turning a couple of my cousins into frogs. So see? I'm not the heir to some evil math witch's legacy."

"Hmmm…" Shivy replied but didn't argue further.

Finally! Maybe I got through his thick skull.

"So do you know how the mirror works?" I asked eagerly.

Shivy shrugged. "Nope."

I resisted the urge to strangle him (he does still have a knife after all).

"But you said—"

"I said I'd tell you if I knew how the mirror works. And I don't. I'd have thought Boss's great granddaughter would have been smarter."

"That's me. Too stupid to be descended from evil. I'm glad we're finally agreeing," I replied sarcastically.

Shivy cackled.

"Then where were you last year? I literally camped out here for months," I admitted.

"Wasn't in the country. When I got here you were already gone. I stopped staying close a long time ago. I wasn't sure anyone would ever come through," Shivy shrugged again. "Food's terrible here too."

"Then what about Alice's son William?"

"The boss and William were supposed to come back through and then he'd get to take his rightful place in wizarding society. Never showed though… I waited a long time. I'm sure the boss must have liked it better over there. Nothing could take her down," Shivy boasted proudly.

"Was it supposed to turn him into a kid?" I asked.

"Probably? Wizards start school young don't they?" Shivy looked at me like he thought I was an idiot.

An unsettling thought occurred to me. "Is the de-aging permanent?"

Would I randomly turn back into an adult? Huh, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

"Probably," Shivy said and shrugged.

I scowled at the unhelpful elf. "Only probably?"

"Eh, the boss did the enchanting and the wizard math." Shivy apparated again and appeared behind me. I whirled around so he wasn't at my back. "So how many of your enemies have you offed?" Shivy asked.

"I've committed zero murders. I'm pretty confident of that," I deadpanned.

Shivy looked at me shrewdly. "I get you. You don't trust old Shivy yet enough to tell me about the conquest of your enemies. Hmm… I'll have to investigate you."

That sounded ominous.

I stepped back warily. "Investigate how?"

Shivy rubbed his hands together and seemed delighted. "You'll see! I have to test you to see if you're worthy of the Boss's legacy!"

"And if I'm not?" I asked and thought of all of the trunks throughout this vault full of skeletons.

Shivy grinned. His teeth had been sharpened into points. "Got plenty of trunks!"

There was a pop and Shivy disappeared.

I stood still in the empty vault for a few moments, but he didn't reappear.

What the hell just happened?

* * *

Suffice to say, I didn't spend the night in the gold vault. I hightailed it out of there and got a Muggle hotel room for the night. Then I spent a fun night staring at the hotel ceiling thinking every creak or shuffle was some mad elf testing me to see how well I dodged a knife in the dark.

I got up before dawn and took a taxi to Hannah's house. I was supposed to be dropped off by my "mom" at Hannah's house at a reasonable hour, but I wanted to make sure no one was home or outside to see that I'd come alone.

I stood on Hannah's doorstep and knocked just as the sun began to crest over the horizon. The lights were all out. I waited a few minutes and when no one came to the door I knocked again louder. Hannah's next door neighbor cracked open her blinds and peered at me suspiciously. I stared unabashedly back and then waved for good measure.

A light turned on from inside the home, and Hannah's mother answered the door. Samantha Abbot's blonde hair was tangled and she wore a fluffy pink bathrobe. She looked surprised to see me.

"Kasey? You're early!" She yawned and rubbed her eyes. "Very early." Samantha Abbot looked around curiously. "Where is your mother? I wanted to introduce myself."

I shrugged. "She dropped me off and left already. She had a meeting to get to."

Fake mom is a high powered business woman. She probably wears suits with shoulder pads and has one of those giant early nineties cell phones.

Samantha raised her eyebrows. "She just left you here?"

I rolled my eyes and tried to sound like a bratty pre-teen. "It's fine. I'm not a baby. Besides, I could see you were home. Here, she wrote down her number." I handed Hannah's mom a slip of paper. "She said you could leave a message if need be."

The phone number was to Frank's home. The rent was paid up until the end of September which should be good enough for my purposes. I even recorded a "Thompson's residence" message on Frank's answering machine.

Samantha's scowl didn't leave her face. "She still should have stayed long enough to introduce herself." Samantha shook her head and then smiled at me. "It's not your fault of course. Come in. You can have the honor of waking Hannah up."

I grimaced. Hannah was not a morning person.

Samantha Abbot opened the door and led me inside.

At school, one of us usually volunteered to cast a minor stinging hex on Hannah to wake her up in the morning. Here I improvised by rolling her into a blanket burrito and pushing it vigorously off the bed. I had plenty of time to run back to the Abbot's kitchen before Hannah angrily scrambled out.

After breakfast, we gossiped about our summers while we waited for Susan and Eloise to arrive. Or more accurately, I practiced some personal improvisation as I made up what a boring summer I had camping around in my grandparent's motor home in the U.S. We stood in four states at once, we saw some giant trees in Oregon, and ate a lot of flapjacks. I had to listen to a lot of country music. I got poison ivy and was sunburned. I sadly didn't meet any cute boys. Fake me had a terrible summer, apparently.

Eloise arrived next along with her father. Eloise's father was in his mid forties with dark tanned skin, bushy beard, had thick black wiry hair all over, and was built like a tank. He looked like he should have been a medieval blacksmith instead of a sheep farmer. After exchanging a few words with Hannah's mom, Eloise brought her father over and introduced him to each of us. His large rough hand nearly engulfed my own when we shook hands.

At first, I thought he seemed brusque and overly serious, but when he left and Eloise gave him a hug goodbye he lovingly ruffled her hair. I thought his eyes looked a little misty.

The last to arrive was Susan. At a quarter after ten, Susan stepped through the floo. Instantly, a cacophony of screaming babies could be heard from behind her.

An auburn haired woman's head poked out of the fireplace. The hellish chorus of screaming babies got louder. "I love you honey have... No don't touch that! Stop levitating the table!" The head poked back out of the fireplace, the crying baby sound dimmed, and then the head poked back in as the screaming began again. "Have a good year! Write me every da-no! Take that out of your mouth!"

The head vanished again and with it the screaming chorus.

Susan dropped her bag on the ground and then said with utter soul deep conviction, "I am NEVER having children."

I was about to ask where her school trunk was when the fireplace flared green once again. Suddenly, Susan's trunk shot out of the floo, skidded across the room, and landed in front of me. There was a splash of bright orange vomit on the top of it.

"EVER," Susan added for good measure.

* * *

Later that night, we all piled into Hannah's mom's car to head out to the Charmed4U concert. I wasn't sure exactly where it was being held despite being the one who purchased the tickets. The tickets only said "The Underground Arena" which was less than helpful. Fortunately, Samantha Abbot seemed to know where it was being held.

Despite Charmed4U's music being akin to microwaved garbage, I was looking forward to the concert. The sheer spectacle should make it worth the trip.

Samantha drove us into the heart of London, somehow found a parking space (probably used magic), and then we all followed her into the London subway system.

"We're taking the tube?" Eloise asked curiously.

I mentally filed away 'tube' as a substitute word for subway.

Samantha winked at her. "You'll see."

Samantha handed each of us our tickets and headed down the subway stairs. This time of night the underground seemed a bit of a sketchy place to take a bunch of twelve year old girls, but Samantha strode confidently through the place as we trailed after her. Finally, we reached the turnstiles and Samantha paused and turned towards us.

"Girls, go one at a time. Keep your ticket out as you go through. Wait for me on the other side," Samantha instructed.

The subway train waiting for us on the other side looked like a normal train to me. There wasn't anything obviously magical about it.

Hannah walked through and waited on the other side… or at least…I thought she did? I squinted. I think that's her? She's kind of blurry for some reason? Or is there nothing over there at all? I blinked again as there was suddenly two superimposed images of the subway train in front of me. I closed my eyes as I felt a migraine shoot between my eyes.

Distantly, I could hear Eloise and Susan click through the turnstile. Once the other two girls were through, I pushed through the turnstile quickly.

I blinked and was suddenly somewhere else. Gone was the mundane Muggle subway train and in its place was a fantastical bright pink party train with a large banner of the Charmed4U members on the side. The doors of the train were open and I could see the downright cavernous inside of the subway train. It was packed with young witches and their parents.

I quickly stepped out of the way as Samantha came in behind me.

I turned towards Hannah's mom in surprise. "I didn't feel myself being portkeyed or apparated at all!"

Samantha nodded. "The Department of Magical Games, Events, and Sports set up a special Translayered Space just for this occasion." Samantha glanced about admiringly. "Thomas really outdone himself this time."

Hannah ran up and grabbed my arm and started to bodily drag me toward the train car. "Hurry up so we can get good seats!"

I let myself get dragged onto the train where I was immediately assaulted by neon pink and green blinking strobe lights and pounding Charmed4U music. Our group made our way further into the train and took seats next to a far window. Unlike regular subway seats, the seats in this car were made of neon blue bean bag chairs stuck to the train car wall.

Beside us, a group of girls around our age in bright green robes chattered excitedly to each other in French. On our other side, a beleaguered looking dad was saying something in German to three identical brown haired little girls and what I assume was their miserable looking older brother.

The car was surprisingly multi-cultural. There were a few languages being spoken I didn't recognize (Finnish maybe?). The train must have stopped at different locations before it made its way here. Although, I have no idea how it made it across the water… or maybe it swam through it like a giant metal dolphin?

Hannah grabbed four sparkly pink top hats that were sitting in a communal box and plonked one on each of our heads. She turned to us and said something that I couldn't hear over the loud music. We spent the next few minutes trying to yell things at each other ineffectually.

The atmosphere in the car was infectious and even I felt a little excited. While we waited for the subway car to fill up, Hannah and Eloise even tried to dance. I hope for their sakes that they get a lot better before the Yule Ball in fourth year or I might have to spend the night pretending like I don't know them.

The music suddenly cut out.

"FINAL CALL FOR THE EVENT LOCATION!" The announcement blared over the intercom. The announcement was repeated again in several other languages. "PLEASE KEEP YOUR WANDS AND FEET INSIDE THE CART AT ALL TIMES! WE ASK YOU TO KINDLY REFRAIN FROM CASTING ANY CURSES OR HEXES UNTIL THE TRAIN HAS COME TO A FULL STOP ONCE AGAIN."

The doors closed.

The squeal of excitement that hundreds of underage witches let out collectively at once made me cringe so hard I about pulled a muscle in my brain.

The world outside of the subway train car flickered by at odd intervals as if we were just skipping chunks of space. After several moments, the train car made an uncomfortable lurch and I found myself literally glued to my seat. And then for five horrible seconds I felt the train car go _upside down_.

Luckily, some spell cast on the train kept everyone's feet on the ground or butts in their seats so we didn't start wildly falling around. My stomach did an uncomfortable flip flop as the train righted itself. My pink top hat went flying and hit one of the green robed girls next to me in the face.

The green robbed girl shrugged, picked up the hat, and put it on her own head.

I took a deep breath and somehow managed not to hurl all over myself.

I was thoroughly over the magical party train by the time the loud speaker finally announced we had reached our destination. Departing the train car was an unruly chaotic affair with excited pre-teen and teen girls jostling each other to be the first out. When my feet finally hit solid ground, I was overcome with relief.

I looked around myself and gasped.

I'd just stepped into a Lisa Frank notebook. Everything in the coliseum-like stadium was neon. The floors were purple neon. The ceilings had stripes of yellow and green neon. The elevated walkways were see‑through but trimmed in neon pink. Spotlights that formed stars, hearts, or lightning bolts flicked around the room. The seating was made from a series of tiered neon heart-shaped couches that each sported a pair of wings. A neon rainbow stretched the length of the vast space and ended at an elevated platform that was floating in the center of the stadium.

I turned toward Samantha Abbot incredulously. "Was this place created just for this concert?"

"Oh no, this is used for concerts, weddings, goblin ritual sacrifices, and other large scale meetings. The décor of the venue changes with the event. The International Confederation of Wizards held their annual meeting here last year," Samantha Abbot replied and stopped at a row that was much closer to the front than the back. "I think this is our row! We're in couches seven and eight."

Wait… did she say ritual sacrifices?

We shuffled forward and Hannah ended up sitting with her mom while Susan, Eloise, and I took a bright orange couch next to them. Susan and Eloise each took one look at the flight controls on each armrest and in unison shoved me into the spot between them.

"I would have been fine," I muttered and settled my right arm over the armrest just in case I needed to grab ahold of something.

"I really didn't feel like dying today," Susan replied candidly. She then hit a button on the side of the couch and it rose into the air gently.

It WAS a great view. It needed a lap bar or a seatbelt though. Is there no British wizarding world version of OSHA? And if not, should I create it?

Susan made the couch rise up and down several times and then backward and forward. The couch seemed to have invisible barriers it couldn't go past leaving us with some room to move around, but making sure we weren't in danger of colliding with our neighbors.

"Oh, wicked! It spins!" Susan grinned evilly. "Let's see how fast it goes."

Eloise looked excited, paused, and then looked at me apprehensively.

Oh, is that how it's going to be?

I narrowed my eyes at Susan. Susan smirked back.

"SPIN IT!" I challenged and grabbed onto the couch for dear life.

Susan flicked a switch.

The world became a kaleidoscope of colors as we began to spin rapidly. Eloise squealed and Susan whooped with delight as we started to go faster and faster. I sunk my hands deep into the upholstery even though I didn't need to because I was plastered onto the back of the couch.

"STOP SPINNING THE COUCH!" Samantha Abbot bellowed.

We stopped abruptly and I nearly slid off.

I pushed my hair back from my face. My long hair felt all ratted up like I'd been in a hurricane.

"Sorry, Mrs. Abbot," Susan said but she didn't sound very sorry at all. "We were just having a little fun."

The room still felt like it was spinning.

"Are you okay? Are you going to vomit?" Eloise asked me nervously.

"Don't vomit on me," Susan warned.

"I'm not going to vomit!" I declared and scowled at Susan. Sure, I was prone to getting car sick and boat sick and airplane sick, but I wasn't going to get flying couch sick! How unwitchy-like would that be?

"Nevertheless, you might want to take a loo break before the concert starts. Hannah can you go with her?"

Hannah frowned. "But I might miss the pre-show!"

"I can go by myself. I'll be fine. I'll go straight there and come back," I assured her. The bathrooms were right at the entrance and there had been plenty of security people sprinkled around.

Samantha Abbot still looked unsure, but nodded anyways. "You go straight there and back after you vomit."

"I'm not going to vomit," I grumbled and hopped off the couch once it was lowered to the ground.

I walked off and made my way to the bathrooms near the entrance. Surprisingly, there wasn't a large line and I was able to walk right in. Once I walked in, it was obvious why there wasn't a line. There were probably a hundred toilets and sinks in here.

Despite the gigantic size, the bathroom was nearly deserted. I walked past a group of older teen girls and picked a middle stall. Wow, even the stalls were roomy. I took a deep breath as I stared stubbornly at the toilet water. After a few minutes, my stomach started to settle. The dizziness was fading and I was feeling a lot better already. This shit was NOT happening again. The first thing I'm going to make when I get back to school is an anti-motion sickness ring.

"Are you going to vomit or not?" A voice asked curiously.

I turned around abruptly and then awkwardly fell back onto the toilet.

No one was there. I stood up, cautiously opened the bathroom stall, and peeked out. The teen girls were gone and the bathroom was deserted.

Maybe some kind of magical device spoke? I glanced back at the toilet. Was that a talking toilet bowl? God, I hope not. No one wants to take a dump into something that talks back to you. And what would it even say? Hey you missed a spot? Great job on that bowel movement buddy?

I walked up to the mirror and brushed my long hair out so it was less insane looking and cleaned the lenses of my glasses. I stared at my reflection. Just a normal girl with dark brown hair and brown eyes stared back at me. My reflection didn't try to talk back to me or move on its own accord.

Shivy the elf was standing behind me.

I whirled around. Nothing was there.

"Come on, I saw you back there!" I peered around trying to see if he was hiding behind a trash can or something, but I didn't see anything. I didn't hear anything either, the room was dead silent.

Oh screw this. I'm going back to the concert hall. Let him try anything with the badass auror mom next to me.

I started to walk towards the exit.

The lights went out.

Oh yeah, asshole? So what if I can't use magic during the summer because I have… batteries!

I pulled out a flashlight from my bag and turned it on.

The world was now all eerie shadows and shapes. The flashlight's beam wasn't all that powerful, but at least I could see now. I walked out of the bathroom and made my way slowly back towards the stands. A few lights flickered far in front of me which I assume were people lighting up their wands.

My flashlight started to flicker like a strobe light and then went out.

That's… not good.

I shook my flashlight thoroughly, but the damn thing was out for good. I didn't see any sources of light around me anymore. The smart thing to do would probably be to stay still, but I really don't feel comfortable standing still when there's a crazy elf lurking out there who wants to "test" me. Granted, turning the lights out seems pretty mild, but maybe he's gearing up to dropping one of those stage sand bags on my head that people get hit with in movies all the time. What are those sand bags even used for anyways?

I found the wall and then held my hand along it as I walked. I went in the direction I thought the concert hall was. However, I must have gotten turned around because I kept walking far longer than it took to get to the bathroom.

After several minutes of walking, I saw a hint of light in the darkness.

Maybe it's someone who works at the concert hall?

I trotted towards the light. The light source was from a boy maybe a year or two older than me holding a glowing rock. The boy had large coke bottle glasses and a bulbous nose.

He held up the light rock and squinted at me. "Dude, have you seen any of the security people? The lights have went off backstage too." he said in an American accent.

He must be the son of one of the crew members or the band manager or something. He definitely didn't look like any of the Charmed4U members.

"I haven't seen anyone from Security. I think I'm a little lost actually," I admitted.

"You're American!" The boy exclaimed in surprise.

"I am?" I asked in false shock.

"You are?" The boy asked confused.

"I'm joking with you," I deadpanned.

"Oh, heh," the boy laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. Even in the dim light, I could see his dark blush.

"Hi. I'm Kasey. Nice to meet you. Can I follow along with you to find the Security Office? I don't have a glowy rock of my own and I'm not allowed to use my wand outside of school."

"Oh, um sure! I'm Horace by the way." Horace smiled shyly. "You're lucky you have your wand still. Ilvermorny doesn't even let us keep our wands at all during the summer. I think the Security office is this way!"

Horace started off down the dark hallway and I followed him. Normally, I wouldn't follow some random strange boy down a darkened hallway, but I'd rather be moving around then standing still right now.

"I haven't seen you around school before? Are you here on vacation?" Horace asked curiously.

"My family moved to England so they decided to send me to Hogwarts instead," I lied.

"That's too bad. Ilvermorny is the best," Horace said proudly.

"I've never been to Ilvermorny, but I read a book about it once and the founding of the school. It was pretty interesting. I'm happy with Hogwarts though." Except for all of the murder plots. "It's a thousand year old castle by the way. If you're going to learn magic, why wouldn't you pick a thousand year old castle?"

Honestly though, I think the strongest wizards probably come out of the Chinese, African, or Japanese schools.

Horace shrugged. "I guess all of the schools have their cool bits."

"So… is one of your parents on the stage crew?" I asked curiously.

Horace scowled. "My step dad's the band manager. I'd rather stay home and not be a part of it at all to be honest. My step dad makes me."

Something niggled at my memory. Wasn't the fat Charmed4U member the son of the manager? I think his niche was "the party dude"?

"So your brother is one of the Charmed4U members?"

Horace's scowl deepened. "My step brother is Billy." He turned toward me warily. "You're not one of his fans are you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Billy has fans?"

"He does! It's shocking right?" Horace laughed. "It's bad enough the music is garbage, but Billy doesn't even use much glamour because his dad thinks he's already handsome." Horace made a retching sound.

I laughed. "The songs are garbage! I'm just here to make my friends happy."

Horace blushed. "Um, you didn't hear me say the music was garbage okay?"

"Funny, because I definitely did hear that," I joked.

"I'm serious! My step dad would kill me. I'm only fourteen I can't get kicked out quite yet…" Horace trailed off and looked around. We'd entered another very large room. Our footsteps were echoing.

We stopped a little way into the room.

"This doesn't look like the security office." I shot Horace an annoyed look.

"Eh, I may have gotten a little turned around?" Horace waved his glowing rock in the air. We appeared to be in some kind of prop storage room. There were Quidditch banners, giant stars, oversized disco balls, an eerily stained altar, fake palm trees, a stuffed shark, a collection of creepy masks, and what looked like four ten foot tall metal sculptures of muscular men in speedos.

"I think the word you're looking for is lost," I muttered.

Horace rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry… Huh, these must have been left over from the last Celestina Warbeck concert. I heard she rode in on a shark and had golem back up dancers." Horace stopped and poked a backup dancer golem in the bicep. "Mom used to love Celestina…" Horace's face fell.

Awkward silence fell between us for a few moments until Horace seemed to snap out of it and turned back towards me.

"Did you know Whitney Houston stole her last two singles from Celestina?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Wow, really?

Horace nodded. "She's Celestina's second cousin or something like that. Whitney Houston copied "All the Man that I Need" and took all the vampire bits out! Isn't that wild? I heard Celestina was pissed!"

The lights came back on. Behind Horace, Shivy waved to me.

And then one of the golems started moving.

I ducked at the last second as a muscle bound golden golem twirled in place barely missing me.

"What's going on?!" Horace cried and jumped back from a brass golem that was doing violent looking hip thrusts.

"I don't know!" I ducked again as bronze golem did a twirl on his tip toes with his hands spread out widely. Then I jumped to the side as a silver golem violently sashayed towards me. "Something must have activated them!"

Like a psychotic elf who had already disappeared.

The room erupted into chaos as we both desperately tried to dodge the wildly gyrating metal golems. Unfortunately, there was no getting away from them. The room was large, but the golems could cover a lot of ground and seemed to keep zeroing in on us. One clipped me on the arm painfully as I barely dodged away.

Horace kicked a fake palm tree over to try and trip them up, but the golems stepped over it like graceful body builder ballerinas.

"I don't have my wand! Can you use yours?" Horace asked and hopped out of the way of the silver golem who was now doing the Moon Walk.

"No! I'll get in trouble!" That sounded super lame, but I wasn't going to risk using magic and coming to the attention of the Ministry.

I jumped to the side and bumped into the oversized stuffed shark. Luckily, the shark stayed inanimate.

Horace gave a very girly squeal after a sashaying golem kicked a disco ball laying on the ground so hard it was lodged into the side of the wall.

"We don't have to defeat them we just need to get away!" I called out, desperately glancing at the exit door. It still seemed so far away.

I wracked my brain trying to remember what I'd read about golems. They were a type of enchanted object in the form of a person. They can only hold simple commands and repeat them. Repeat them…. Oh! This is a choreographed dance! It just looks like they're going randomly because they're out of sync with each other! I just have to follow their pattern!

"It's a choreographed dance pattern, but out of sync!" I jumped out of the way as another fake palm tree came crashing to the floor. "We just have to take advantage of the pattern!"

"Oh! Okay I see it now!" Horace ducked. "It's the Warbeck Wobble!"

"The what?!" I asked and dodged another golem twirl.

Horace shook his head and muttered, "I can't believe this stupid crap is going to be useful…" In a louder voice he said, "Follow my lead!"

"Okay!"

"Sidestep!" Horace cried out.

We sidestepped the silver golem doing his fancy modeling walk. It's amazing how flexible its metal hips appeared to be. We were getting closer to the door already.

"Duck!"

We both ducked under the golden golem's twirl.

Just a little more and we'll be at the exit…

"Jump back!"

We jumped out of the way of the bronze golem's lurid hip thrust.

"Sidestep, duck, jump back!"

I followed Horace's lead. The brass golem moon walked right by us.

"Jump for it!"

I jumped and slid through the entrance. Horace jumped out right after me and slammed the heavy door shut. I could still hear the golems banging and clanging and hip thrusting around in the closed room.

What kind of test was backup dancer golems anyway? What the hell would that prove? I'm starting to feel like the psychotic elf doesn't care about "testing" me at all and is just enjoying messing with me!

Horace brushed a hand through his hair. "Whoa, that was wild! Someone must not have deactivated the charm properly."

I tried to look wide-eyed and innocent. "Yeah, they must not have…"

We wandered around for a few more minutes, but the lights being on didn't improve Horace's sense of direction. Although, I didn't know where the heck we were either.

We ran into our third storage closet by the time Hannah caught up to us.

"Kasey! I finally found you!" Hannah cried breathlessly. "I've been looking for ages! Mum changed her mind and sent me after you right before the lights went out!" Hannah seemed to just notice that Horace was there. Her expression turned calculating. "Hello. Who is this?"

I suppressed a sigh. She was definitely getting the wrong idea about the situation. "Hannah this is Horace, he was trying to help me get unlost. His step dad works for the band. Horace, this is Hannah one of my dorm mates."

Hannah's eyes lip up like a Christmas tree. "Your step dad works for the band?!"

Horace stepped back nervously. "Uh… yeah?"

Hannah smiled sweetly. "Could you… maybe…. Get us in to meet Charmed4U backstage?" And then she actually batted her eyelashes at him.

"You don't have to do that," I warned Horace.

Hannah's smile turned disturbingly flirty. Stop it, Hannah! You're too young to look like that!

"Please? We'll only be a few minutes!" Hannah begged shamelessly.

I repressed the urge to groan. "We should just go back. Your mom's sure to be worried. Do you want to get into trouble?"

Hannah waved her hand dismissively. "Oh we're already in trouble. We might as well point our wands at the stars at this point."

Horace shrugged. "I don't know…"

Where are those murderous speedo golems when you need them? Or maybe a murderous elf? Lots of things are out to murder me tonight. I wonder if this is how Harry Potter feels all of the time.

"Do you think I could get Lance's autograph? He's my favorite!" Hannah exclaimed.

"He is?" Horace asked in a resigned voice. Lance must really be an asshole. "Do you just think he's hot or something?"

Hannah nodded vigorously. "Of course! But he's also the best singer in the band!"

Horace blushed for some reason. "He IS the best singer… Okay, I'll take you over there. But you can only stay for a few minutes. Alright?"

"Do you know where their dressing room is?" I asked and raised an eyebrow.

Horace blushed harder. "Yes, I think I know where we are now!" He looked around nervously.

We weren't walking around for very long before we found a sign clearly labeled "VIP ROOM". However, if the look of happy surprise on Horace's face was any indication, I suspect we found it by pure chance.

Horace pushed open the door to the VIP room and then we were standing in the entrance of Charmed4U's backstage dressing room. It was a nondescript room with white walls, faded brown carpet, and a couple of well worn couches with a coffee table between then. There was an untouched fruit bowl on the coffee table. Further down the hallway there were several closed doors that were probably individual dressing rooms. The most exciting thing about the room was the half forgotten shiny glove laying on the floor.

The boys were simply lounging around dressed in matching metallic silver jump suits. A dark haired boy was reading a magazine and smoking a cigarette. They seemed to be missing two members.

I glanced over at Hannah. She looked really disappointed. What was she expecting? For them to be back here bathing in a giant tub of glitter?

The blonde boy (Danny I think?) jumped up. "What the hell Lance?! You said you wouldn't get lost again! You're not even ready! We go on in ten minutes!"

I swirled around to look at Horace. Beside me, Hannah gasped.

"Lance? I thought your name was Horace?" I squinted at him. Now that I looked at him closely he looks similar to Lance, but more like his much less attractive brother. Not to mention that he seemed way too nice.

Horace sighed and his shoulder's slumped. "My real name is Horace. My stepdad picked the name Lance as a stage name."

"But… But you don't look anything like Lance!" Hannah sputtered out and pointed a finger at Horace accusingly.

One of the dressing room doors opened and the last missing member of Charmed4U walked into the room. Billy's brown hair was slicked back with so much gel it looked plastic. His jump suit bulged around the sides and his pants looked uncomfortably tight.

"Ha! I told you guys he'd gotten lost again!" Billy picked up the silver glove from the floor and put it on. "Horse face Horace has to wear a glamour 'cause he doesn't have a hot bod like the rest of us," Billy said with a straight face.

Horace pulled a pair of silver skull earrings from his pocket and put them into his ears. Instantly, his nose shrunk three sizes and his glasses turned invisible. He sighed again and said half heartedly, "Ta da."

Hannah looked like she'd just seen Snape come into Potion's class in a ballerina tutu. "But… but…"

Billy hopped up and strode towards us. "It's show biz little girl. All this shit is made up. Except for me, this is all natural." Billy winked at us. He reeked of cologne like he'd bathed in it.

Horace shrugged. "I'm sorry, but most of us aren't what we seem." He pointed to the boy reading a magazine. "Like, Nigel's actually 22. He just looks young. And his actual name is Miguel. A Hispanic first name didn't focus test well."

Miguel looked up from his magazine. Huh, that magazine is actually a copy of Play Witch. Miguel gave a half hearted wave and said around a half-used cigarette, "Que pasa."

I waved back. Hannah just stared.

Horace pointed to "the sporty one" whose name I could never remember. His jump suit had cut off arms showing off his toned biceps. From this close up, I could tell his tan was spray on. "Kyle does like sports, but he actually wants to play Quadpot instead of Quidditch. I guess Quadpot isn't popular outside of the U.S.?"

Kyle nodded his head slightly. "Quidditch is for pussies bro. No one even explodes."

Billy looked me up from head to toe, lingering on my chest. My skin crawled.

"Danny is pretty spot on though," Horace admitted.

Danny was very wholesome looking. I could see him going door to door asking people if they needed Jesus in their lives.

"Being the guy next door persona sucks!" Danny tried to scowl but it came off more like a haughty pout. "I hate ascots! I wanted to be the tough one!"

"You know you don't look convincing in leather jackets, bro," Kyle reminded him.

Danny pouted again. He looked like someone just declined to donate to his local high school football fund.

"And Nigel isn't even smart!" Billy exclaimed and then laughed at his own joke.

Nigel scowled at him over a pair of stylish black framed glasses, but remained silent. The glasses didn't even have lenses in them.

Horace glared at Billy. "Nigel is smarter than YOU."

Billy ignored Horace and turned his creeper gaze towards Hannah. "Jeez Lance, you couldn't bring a few older ones? At least the brown haired one has tits."

Hmm, murdering a celebrity would put a damper on my plans to help thwart Voldemort.

Nigel stood up. "We have to get ready. We don't get paid to sit around. Lance, you need to get changed."

Billy sneered at Lance. "Yeah "Lance". We don't have time for you to get a blow job or whatever. Say goodbye to your little mudblood groupies. We're going to be on soon."

Hannah gasped.

Horace glared at Billy and took a threatening step forward. "Don't call them that!"

An idea suddenly struck me. "Were you the one that charmed a bunch of Charmed4U posters so the "Lance" on them would call Muggleborns mudblood?" I asked in a more calm voice than I was feeling.

Horace's face turned white. "Oh my god… he did what? Hundreds of those were sent out!"

Billy feigned surprise. "What? I don't know what you're talking about?" Billy grinned and then laughed harshly. He turned his gaze towards me and it became an outright leer. "Eh, you're not half bad especially from the neck down. Come to my room later if you can sneak away."

Before I could react, Hannah jumped forward and punched him in the face.

Billy fell to the floor as blood spurted out of his nose and ran down his face. I stared in shock. The rest of the band members stared in shock. Hannah stood stock still over Billy with her blood soaked fist clenched tightly. Suddenly, she lurched forward like she was going to jump forward and wail on him some more so I grabbed her around the waist and held her back.

Billy held his hands under his nose as blood continued to stream down. "Uuff boke muh noze! Suhkerity!"

I heard shuffle sounds coming from a backroom and then a door down the dressing room hallway burst open. Two unimpressive looking middle aged men came running out. They held their wands at the ready and then looked in confusion at the room obviously not sure who they were supposed to stop.

"Geff fem! Feh attahcs fee! Feir dangerish!" Billy cried out and pointed towards us.

The two security guards looked at each other uncertainly, shrugged, and then walked up to us.

"How old are you girls?" one of the security guards asked.

"We're both twelve," I answered. Hannah still looked too angry to talk.

The security guards looked like they were trying not to laugh.

"Ahrest fem!" Billy pointed at us.

The taller of the two security guards coughed and with an obvious effort kept a straight face. "Don't worry we'll take these uh… assailants into custody. Come along to the office girls."

The security guards opened the entrance door and started to lead us out of the room. Behind their backs, Horace gave us a thumbs up and Miguel was smirking.

The security guards led us down the hallway and into a dingy and rather nondescript office. The white walls were peeling slightly and there was a thin layer of dust over the desk. The posters on the walls were faded and looked to be decades old. Hannah and I sat down in two rickety wooden chairs across from the desk.

The shorter of the security guards asked us our names and the name of the adult we were with. After we answered, he pointed his wand at his throat. Two seconds later, we heard over a booming intercom, "WILL SAMANTHA ABBOT PLEASE COME TO THE SECURITY OFFICE. SAMANTHA ABBOT PLEASE COME TO THE SECURITY OFFICE."

Oooohh, that's not good.

The two security officers left the office. I heard the door lock from the outside.

A sinking feeling settled like a lead weight in my stomach. Surely, this won't involve the Ministry? Would they put two little girls in wizard prison? Surely not? There's probably some community service we can do instead. Or Hannah can do instead, because I didn't do anything wrong.

I wonder if I'll be deported…

The seconds dragged on and felt like minutes, and the minutes dragged on and felt like hours. We only waited for ten minutes according to the clock on the office wall, but it felt like I was born in that room, lived my life in that room, and died from old age in that room.

Samantha Abbot entered the office like some kind of vengeful Valkyrie. Susan and Eloise were not with her.

"Where are Susan and Eloise?" I blurted out.

Samantha turned her angry gaze towards me. "They're watching the concert. A coworker was working security for some extra side cash and volunteered to watch them."

Samantha whirled around towards Hannah. To Hannah's credit, she didn't even flinch. In fact, she still seemed to be pissed. "Let me get this straight you… punched an international celebrity in the face? Because he insulted your friend?"

Hannah matched her glare. They looked a lot alike right now. "He called her a mudblood! And insinuated we were loose women!"

Samantha whirled around at me. "And what did you do?"

I held up my hands defensively. "Hey, don't look at me. I didn't assault anyone. I just got lost." I paused. "I think she broke his nose. It was pretty awesome."

Hannah groaned. "That's not helping Kasey."

Samantha pinched the bridge of her nose. "Morganna preserve me. You're going to put me into an early grave Hannah." She sighed. "I'm going to go out and talk with the Security here and see what I can do. Stay here. DO NOT leave."

Samantha walked out of the office. I could hear several adults having a muffled conversation on the other side of the door, but I couldn't make out what they were saying.

Hannah's face fell and she slumped in her chair. Her long blonde hair fell in front of her face.

"I'm sorry," Hannah said quietly.

"Eh?" I looked over at her. With her hair over her face I couldn't tell for sure, but I think she might be crying. "Sorry for what? Hitting Billy? It probably wasn't the wisest thing to do, but it was pretty awesome."

"No… I'm sorry about not believing you about the poster. I should have believed you over some stupid boy band I didn't even know personally," Hannah admitted.

"You're a kid. You make mistakes. Just learn from it." I shrugged. "I'm sure it sucked to learn that your crushes weren't who you thought they were."

"You're a kid too, and you weren't fooled. I'm sorry," Hannah apologized again sounding miserable.

I couldn't stop the grimace. I'm a kid too huh? This is ridiculous. I'm the real liar here. You don't need to apologize to this fraud at all.

But instead I said, "We all make mistakes. You're forgiven. Water under the bridge and all that."

Hannah leaned back. Her face looked wet. "Next time you tell me a wizard poster is secretly calling you horrible names I'll believe you. Maybe I'll become a fan of the Wyrd Sisters instead."

"I've always hated Charmed4U," I blurted out. "I just pretended to like them just so I could hang out with everyone else. Their music sucks." I frowned. "I think the Wyrd Sisters suck too and their gimmick is insincere. And women's wizarding robes don't look that different from men's so are they even REALLY cross dressing?"

Hannah laughed. "Are there any wizarding bands you do like?"

"Not really. There aren't enough of them! Celestina Warbeck is okay I guess," I admitted.

Hannah giggled. "Celestina is for old people! My mom likes her!"

"Maybe I'm just an old woman in a child's body?" I admitted with a self depreciating smirk.

"You're ridiculous." Hannah rolled her eyes.

The conversation died down, and we sat in silence for nearly an hour before Samantha Abbot returned to the Security Office.

Samantha still looked harried but some of her anger had obviously died down. "I knew a few more of the Security staff and pulled some strings. Luckily, the other band members say they didn't see what happened. I take it this Billy kid isn't very well liked. The manager thought it best we just… sweep this under the rug. However, you're barred from all future concerts and kicked out of their fanclub." Samantha paused and looked at Hannah warily.

Hannah snorted in a very unladylike fashion. "Like I wanted to be in that arsehole fanclub anymore anyway!"

Did I just hear a heavenly choir singing my name?

Samantha looked like she was trying not to smile. "Watch your language young lady."

Hannah didn't look sorry.

* * *

We met Susan and Eloise at the concert hall entrance after the concert was over. They were accompanied by a young early twenty something woman with pink spiky hair. The woman had a security badge over her robes and was carrying a stick of neon blue cotton candy as big as her head.

Is that… Tonks? I suppose it doesn't have to be. It's not like she's the only witch in the world who has pink hair.

"Where were you guys?" Susan asked curiously. She was covered in silver confetti and was also holding a half eaten chunk of pink cotton candy.

"It was sooooo wicked!" Eloise jumped up and down. She was carrying a stick of cotton candy too, but hers had been eaten down into a small nub.

"I know!" Susan exclaimed and ate another handful of cotton candy.

The pink haired lady nodded her head towards Samantha casually. "Wotcher, boss. I brought them back." She smirked. "I fed them a lot of caffeinated sugar floss. You're welcome."

It IS Tonks.

Eloise made a high pitch squeal sound. "It was so amazing!" She jumped up and down again. Susan joined her in the squealing and jumping up and down. Confetti was falling off of them like snow.

"Thanks for helping out," Samantha said and glanced warily at Eloise and Susan. "I think."

The squealing and over-caffeinated brigade came bouncing over towards Hannah and I.

"That was amazing! It was the best night of my life!" Susan exclaimed.

Wow, caffeine might be the strongest potion of them all.

Susan grabbed my arm and jumped up and down. I think she was trying to get me to jump too. "And all the lasers were wicked! And how did they synchronize so many rainbows? Remember when they all came in by sliding down the giant rainbow?!"

"I know!" Eloise grabbed my other arm and I was suddenly getting jolted back and forth between the two.

There's a spell that lets you slide down a rainbow? NOTE TO SELF.

"And then…" Susan paused for dramatic effect. "The couches started moving to the beat!"

Oh no, I missed the couches wildly gyrating twenty feet in the air. I'm so sad I missed that…

"I know!" Eloise squealed again.

I don't think Eloise should be allowed to have caffeine ever again.

"And then a bunch of bubbles burst and the whole stadium was covered in confetti sparkles that smelled like roses!" Susan sighed dreamingly.

"I know!" Eloise said breathlessly.

I might strangle Eloise if she says "I know" one more time.

Susan looked at me in sympathy. "I can't believe you missed such an amazing concert!"

Hannah folded her arms over her chest. "Screw those Charmed4U wankers! I'm burning the poster when we get home!"

Eloise and Susan stopped jumping, turned in unison, and asked, "Huh?"

Hannah started to fill everyone in on our little misadventure. While Hannah was trying to break through the wall of sheer disbelief the other girls were standing behind, I heard someone clear their throat.

I looked over. Horace was standing over to the side. His big nose and glasses were back, and he must have changed out of his shiny silver jumpsuit. All around him, people walked by and didn't give him a second glance.

I walked over. "Hey. Sorry about that whole thing. You didn't get in trouble with your step dad did you?"

Horace shrugged. "He's never happy with me. Don't worry about it." Horace blushed and shuffled his feet nervously. Then he reached into his pocket and handed me a slip of paper. It was an address. "I was um… wondering if you would like to write each other as pen pals?"

I looked at the piece of paper with trepidation.

Horace's face fell. "Only if you um… want to? We could exchange info about Hogwarts and Ilvermorny. And it would be nice to talk to a normal person once in a while. If you want to?"

I suppose being pen pals is harmless. I get to find out more about American wizarding society and make a connection with someone outside of Britain. That could be useful in the future if I need to smuggle Muggleborns out of the country. Just sending him friendly letters isn't leading him on really? And besides, he'll be a world away. Kids aren't the best at keeping up with pen pals.

"Okay," I replied and put the piece of paper in my jeans pocket.

Horace grinned broadly and I wondered if I had made a mistake.

"Awesome! I better get back before my step dad wonders where I am. I'll send you a letter when I get to school!" Horace said in a rush and practically ran away.

Samantha walked over and squinted at Horace's retreating form with a frown, but didn't comment on him, "Come on, we're going back to the car."

Hannah continued to fill in everyone on our little "assault and battery" adventure. I left my side adventure with the out-of-control backup golem dancers out of the story. It raised too many questions and it also might have made Hannah's mom even madder at me.

After we had settled down into Hannah's mom's car and buckled in, Hannah turned toward Eloise apologetically.

"Eloise, I'm sorry. I was wrong. I should have believe you. Can you two forgive me?" Hannah asked.

Eloise seemed pleased with the apology. "Yes, you should have believed us, but you're forgiven."

"I've already forgiven you. Don't' worry about it," I assured her. It was nice to hear again though.

"So hundreds of these defective posters were sent out? Why didn't a Muggleborn complain about this before? Wouldn't it have been in the newspapers?" Susan asked skeptically.

Eloise frowned at her. "Maybe no one believed them either."

Susan looked chagrined. "Oh…" She turned away and looked out of the car window. "I didn't think about that… I'm sorry too."

Samantha Abbot cleared her throat. I could see her glaring at us from the rearview mirror. "Speaking of apologies… How about apologizing to me for running off alone in the dark and making me think you'd been snatched or kidnapped or murdered and then assaulting an international celebrity?!"

I feel like she'd been holding all that in for a while now.

"I'm sorry I got lost, but I'm NOT sorry about punching him in the face," Hannah said and glared right back at her mom.

Samantha sighed. "Oh, you're both in for some punishment. I've still got you lot for two days before you're going back to Hogwarts." She turned her glare towards me. "And don't think I'm not calling your mother about this, Kasey."

You go for it lady. You leave one hell of a message on an answering machine no one will ever listen to.

The car was silent for a several minutes until Susan turned away from the car window with an evil grin on her face. "So... what's this about Kasey getting a boyfriend?"

The car became a chorus of "ooOoOOoohs". I think even Samantha joined in.

I held my head in my hands. Oh crap, I'm never going to hear the end of this.

"I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND!"


	28. Whimsical Magical School Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Comments and criticism are always appreciated. Who is your favorite character? Also, I have now officially caught up to my backlog. The chapters will come much slower now.

Everyone but Susan looked exhausted.

I blearily took a bite out of a piece of toast and nearly missed my mouth. Across from the table, Eloise was looking at her toast like she wasn't sure what toast really was, and Hannah nearly nodded off onto her plate.

"I told you we should have went to bed earlier so we'd be ready to go to school," Susan admonished. She took a dainty sip of her orange juice and shook her head sadly at us.

"You slept as much as we did," Hannah practically growled and stabbed a sausage angrily.

"I know. Five hours uninterrupted by a baby crying. It was wonderful," Susan sighed happily.

"Why didn't your dad just magically sound proof your room?" I asked curiously.

Susan shrugged. "I haven't seen him much this summer. He's been working on some high profile case that he can't tell us about. Most of the time he only came home to sleep."

"Mum has been gone for most of the summer too. I'm surprised she was able to take us to the concert," Hannah added in.

We finished up our breakfast quietly and started to file out of the kitchen when a bright red phone on the kitchen wall started ringing. Hannah walked over to answer it, but before her hand could reach it the ringing phone pulled itself from the wall and started to hover in the center of the room.

A bit of drywall fell to the floor.

"Hannah can you get your mother? It's Tony," a man's voice said out of the telephone receiver. The phone then turned towards Susan. "Have a good year Susie. I'm sure you'll be brilliant."

"Thanks Dad," Susan replied to the floating red phone.

Hannah didn't move, but instead opened her mouth and bellowed, "Muuuuuuuuum!"

There was a crash and Samantha barreled into the room. Her makeup looked half done and she was still wearing a bathrobe.

"What are you screaming like a banshee for?" Samantha demanded. She then saw the red floating phone and did a double take. "Tony! Has he been spotted?!"

The floating phone receiver did an odd little nod. "We've got to hurry. Get over here ASAP."

Samantha frowned and glanced at us. "I'm supposed to take the girls to the train station today. They're still in their pajamas."

The phone wiggled violently. "We might not get another lead like this!"

Hannah's dad Darren strolled into the kitchen. He was wearing a bathrobe and carrying a tea cup. His hair was somehow artfully tousled.

"Don't worry I'll take them to the station," Darren offered and took a sip of his tea cup.

"Their school trunks won't all fit in our boot without being shrunk," Samantha reminded him and looked even more harried.

Darren waved his hand in the hair. "We'll just take that magic bus."

Samantha looked even more unsure.

I'd originally assumed we'd side-along apparate there with Samantha, but (according to Hannah's mom) apparating straight onto the platform is strictly prohibited because it's too crowded. It became against the law after the twelve people splinching incident of 1962. Apparently, some poor witch in Yorkshire still has someone's pinkie finger growing out of her spleen. She can make it wave.

"One of the girls can hail it with their wand, correct? I'll take a cab back. I can call off for the day," Darren smiled and kissed his wife on the cheek. "It will work out, darling. We'll get there, won't we girls?"

I nodded along with my friends.

I'm not terribly looking forward to riding the Knight Bus again, but this seems like an emergency.

"I'll be there in thirty!" Samantha exclaimed and dashed back to her bedroom.

The phone waved back and forth as if an invisible hand was holding it and waving goodbye. Suddenly, the phone went still and fell to the floor with a clatter.

"He always forgets to put it back," Hannah grumbled as she picked up the phone and held it up to the wall. The piece of plaster zoomed back into place and the phone stuck to the wall as if there were invisible magnets holding it in place.

Hannah noticed me staring. "We deactivate it when we have Muggle company."

I shrugged.

I heard a loud crack from back in the Abbot's bedroom. Samantha must have apparated away. When she said "thirty" I suppose she meant thirty seconds?

I can't wait until I can teleport. It must be so convenient.

Darren Abbot sipped his coffee and smiled charmingly. "So, what time do you have to meet your train?"

Hannah bit her lip. "The train doesn't leave until 10. Are you sure about this Papa? The Knight Bus can get a little…" She trailed off.

"A gentleman never disappoints a lady," Darren Abbot replied with a flourish and bowed gracefully.

Hannah giggled.

Ugh, the Knight Bus… But it'll be worth it to get back to school! Back to witches and wizards and magical things! This summer has been way too serious. I've got at least another year before everyone starts to become angsty teenagers and I plan to enjoy the hell out of it.

* * *

An hour later, we dragged our trunks up the steps onto the bright purple Knight Bus. The Knight Bus was already quite full of people and a large chunk of those people appeared to be students with their parents.

In order for all of us to sit near each other and have room for our trunks, we were forced to sit on the third floor. Without magic, it took quite a bit of dragging and tugging but eventually all of us managed to settle in. Despite being in a bus full of witches and wizards, Darren was very relaxed and calm. I can't say I would be if the situation was reversed.

Susan pulled out a magazine and held it up so I could look at it too. It was a Quidditch magazine so I wasn't terribly interested, but it was a nice gesture. Four nearly ten minutes, I listened to Susan explain what the various articles were about and what exactly an American Whiperwheel feint was (it made me mildly dizzy just to look at the picture). Eventually, a glazed over look must have come over my face (I tried to keep it at bay!) and the conversation petered out.

Susan shrugged and settled in to read her magazine by herself.

I rested my head against the window sill and started to relax. Warm sunlight filtered through the window and lulled me into a comfortable trance. Maybe I could take a nap? For a Knight Bus trip this was turning out to be rather sedate. Sure, we were still going at a ridiculous speed, but we hadn't even went upside down once.

The terrain outside of the window slowly became more suburban and eventually we made an abrupt stop in some kind of gated Muggle community. All of the houses were bland neutral colors and nearly identical in shape. It looked like the kind of place where you could be fined by the Home Owner's Association for painting your house the wrong color of beige.

Harry Potter waited at the curb with his school trunk. Next to him was his godfather, Sirius Black. Sirius looked remarkably healthier than he had looked in the last Daily Prophet photos I'd seen. His face had filled out, his hair and beard were neatly trimmed, and he had on a nice pair of Muggle slacks. He looked like a completely different person.

Wait a minute… Is this Privet Drive? Did Sirius spend the summer with Harry at the Dursleys?! Wow. That's... beautiful. Even if I do nothing else in this world worthy of note, I have given Harry a summer of Sirius annoying the shit out of the Dursleys. Did he stay as himself? Did he pretend to be Harry's "stray dog" he picked up? I have so many questions!

Good God... I'm getting a little teary-eyed just thinking about it.

Beside me, Susan leaned over and cracked the window open. We both stared unabashedly at Sirius and Harry through the window.

They were both celebrities after all.

"Goodbye dear Vernon and Petunia. We shall miss you so!" Sirius called out loudly. Even though the window was only slightly open, I could still hear him clearly.

There were a few whispers throughout the bus as the other top floor passengers seem to realize the "boy who lived" was outside.

Harry nodded earnestly. "I'm related to them you know! Closely related!"

I saw a neighbor from across the street peek out of their window.

Sirius feigned shock. "No? Are you serious?"

"No, you're Sirius!" Harry exclaimed.

Sirius and Harry grinned at each other.

"Hurry up you too. The Muggles are starting to stare," someone (the bus driver?) chided below.

Sirius clapped his hand on Harry's back. "Mission accomplished."

"Please, get in the bus, sir," the bus driver begged.

Sirius and Harry boarded the bus and disappeared from view. After a few moments, the bus began to move again. Harry and Sirius must have found seats on one of the lower floors.

Huh… the two seemed happy. I wonder how different Sirius is now that he's got a chance at a normal life?

I'm sure the Dursley's weren't happy about their house guest. I can't say I feel terribly sorry for them though. I don't know if they were physically abusive to Harry, but they were definitely emotionally abusive. Regardless, none of that shit happened while Sirius was there. If Sirius spent the summer digging up their rose bushes as a dog or telling the neighbors he was an ex-convict relative fresh out of prison, then it was just a small bit of justice.

The bus continued on and I lost track of time. I must have dozed off, because I didn't see the coffee cup coming before it smacked me in the face.

I sputtered in shock and wiped the coffee from my eyes. Luckily, it was merely hot instead of scalding, but the coffee cup had hurt. My forehead throbbed.

"Terribly sorry!" A dumpy older man with wisps of white hair at the sides of his head stood up from a seat in front of us and walked over. He handed Susan a handkerchief who then passed it on to me. "The charms on here usually keep me from spilling a drop. This has never happened before!"

Then the bus tipped sideways.

I slid hard into Susan and both of us fell out of our seats and hit the side of the left aisle seats. Purses, trunks, briefcases, and what looked like a purple chicken went flying to the left of the bus. There was a loud crash and the screech of metal scraping against asphalt. Someone screamed.

And just as abruptly, the bus righted itself again.

As the bus righted itself, I felt an invisible force yank me back to my seat like a rubber band was attached to my back. I blinked and looked around in confusion. Everything appeared to be back into place including Susan.

"Stupid shoddy old bus," Susan grumbled and attempted to brush her hair back into place with her fingers. "The sticking charms aren't even reliable anymore."

"It also went SIDEWAYS," I pointed out. I didn't even bother to try fixing my hair. It was already in full-on rats nest mode and distressingly sticky.

Susan partly unplaited one of her braids and looked at me confused. "What does—"

The bus tipped to the right.

Susan slammed into me and smooshed me into the window. A man screamed. I saw sparks and asphalt outside the window. Somehow, the glass didn't crack. The screeching of metal pierced my ears painfully—

The bus righted itself again.

I felt a force slide Susan away from me. The passengers snapped back to their seats, but half of the objects didn't make it back to their original positions and were still strewn about the bus. I had a bright green and pink lollipop stuck in my hair and Susan was wearing someone's bright red pointed hat.

The bus was quiet for a moment as everyone waited to see if they'd be tipped again. After several seconds of stability the bus erupted in angry questions. I glanced over at my possessions. Luckily, my trunk was one of the objects to return to its place and I managed to hold onto my bag. Beside me, Susan sighed and got up to retrieve her trunk from the back of the bus.

As soon as she was gone, a very familiar elf in a patch work coat appeared outside the window next to me. He was hanging upside down by his feet. I jumped.

Shivy silently pointed to the tiny bus bathroom, pointed at me, and then vanished.

I grabbed my purse, tested it in my hand for a moment to see how well it could be used as a bludgeoning device, and headed to the tiny bus bathroom.

As soon I closed the door, Shivy appeared with a pop.

I heaved up my purse like a barbarian wielding a club and glared murderously at Shivy. The lollipop dangled from the end of my hair. "Got bored of trying to crash the bus? Decided to drown me in the toilet instead?!"

Shivy looked affronted. "I'm not trying to kill you! There's a mad elf on the roof!"

The bus leaned slightly to the right ominously, but didn't overturn again.

"A mad elf? What are you-" I cut off and froze.

Wait. Oh no. DOBBY.

Shivy continued on unperturbed by my threats. "He keeps screaming," Shivy affected a bad British accent, "Hehrreee Pahtterrrr most not goh to Hahgwarts!'" Shivy scowled. "Who is Harry Potter?"

I groaned and dropped my 'purse attack' stance. "He's in my class and on this bus with his guardian. You have to have heard of him. Voldemort tried to kill him as a baby and it somehow backfired and killed Voldemort instead?"

Shivy scratched his head and then his eyes widened. "Ohhh. I have heard of him. People call him The Boy that Didn't Die, yes?"

"Lived," I corrected.

The bus lurched upside down.

I put my hands in front of me and barely saved myself from a fate inflicted swirly.

The bus righted itself.

"Cazzo!" Shivy called out angrily and disappeared with a pop.

I looked down at my wet hands in horror.

I guess I have to chop my hands off now.

After a few moments of existential horror, I decided to try washing my hands first. I turned on the water in the ridiculously small sink, put my hands into the water…. And then the bus went sideways again.

Water went everywhere drenching me. I flailed wildly to turn the water off, but missed the knob. By the time the bus righted itself again, my clothes were soaked through. I finished washing my hands as quickly as I could and stumbled out of the bathroom.

I sat down next to Susan with a wet squelch.

Susan looked at me in horror. "Did… did you fall in?"

I mumbled something intelligible and tried to yank the lollipop out of my hair.

I don't know if Shivy convinced Dobby that maiming Harry wasn't a good idea, or if he tied him to the roof of the bus or what, but there were no more incidents before we reached King Cross station. The four of us plus Hannah's father stumbled out looking the worse for wear even for a Knight Bus trip. My shoes made disgusting squish sounds when I walked.

We reached the barrier between the stations. Darren paused and ran a hand through his hair. He looked surprisingly not traumatized for a Muggle who had just been put through a high speed magical blender. Although, the bus had messed up his hair. Maybe that was his version of traumatized?

"Ah, I'll let you girls go through the barrier," Daren said and then hugged Hannah. "Have a wonderful year. Don't forget to write your papa. If you forgot anything I'll just be over here at the coffee shop sitting quietly for a while until I take a normal cab home."

I glanced at the barrier dubiously. Did Dobby tamper with it? I hadn't seen Harry and Sirius anywhere in the crowd so I don't know if they'd went through yet or not.

Susan turned toward the barrier and passed easily through it.

Huh, well that's one obstacle we won't have to deal with. But I can't shake this feeling that Dobby hasn't given up yet…

I walked through the barrier and into Platform 9 ¾.

The platform was packed. Mothers, fathers, and siblings all merged together hugging and laughing and saying goodbye in one big sea of humanity. I'd gotten on the train so early last time that I hadn't really witnessed how busy the platform could be. Apparating here would have been madness.

I glanced around the crowd at the sea of red, blue, green, and yellow ties but didn't immediately recognize anyone out from the crowd.

"Come on," Susan beckoned me, Eloise, and Hannah forward. "Let's get on the train before all the cars are full up."

Susan entered the train followed by Hannah and then Eloise. I made to follow.

"Oio, Kasey!"

I turned around.

The Weasley twins walked up to me, dragging their trunks behind them. And they looked rather annoyed with me for some reason.

Eloise paused in the doorway of the train.

"Go on ahead. I'll catch up," I told Eloise and moved away from the train door so I didn't block the entrance.

"What's up?" I asked Fred and George. I then sat my trunk on the short end and leaned casually against it.

"Do you know what you've done?" Fred asked and crossed his arms over his chest.

He's going to have to be more specific, I did a lot of shit this summer.

"What did I do?"

"Because of what you said, Mum kept trying to give us 'the talk'!" Fred said exasperatedly.

I blinked. Paused. And then burst out laughing.

George cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable. "Which we didn't need, by the way!"

I cackled like a mad sea witch.

"Bringing a bloke's mum into things is a low blow!" Fred added in.

"It's a sucker punch to the jewels is what it is," George muttered.

"Merlin's balls, she had a picture book!" Fred declared.

My sides started to hurt.

"Did it…" I wheezed slightly and tried to catch my breath. "Did it have a picture of Merlin's balls too?"

Fred scowled. "Listen you banshee faced cold hearted harridan—"

I stopped laughing but not without exerting a near Herculean effort. "Did you pull out the thesaurus before coming over here?"

George treacherously mouthed 'He did' behind Fred's back.

"I have a big vocabulary!" Fred argued back.

I burst into giggles again. "And because of your mom's picture book it's now even bigger!"

Oh no. My sides hurt.

"It wouldn't be so funny if YOUR mom got the wrong idea!" Fred declared, although the corners of his mouth were twitching upward.

George clapped Fred on the back. "Hey Freddy, we came over here to call a truce, not declare eternal war."

Fred frowned. "Maybe not eternal war, but just a little one?"

George shook his head.

Fred unfolded his arms. "Alright then. We're sorry, but we can't prank you anymore. You obviously don't understand the Rules of Prank Engagement."

"Oh no," I said with mock sadness and then added incredulously, "Rules of what?"

George shrugged. "You know the Rules of Prank Engagement." He held up three fingers. "Don't do anything permanent, don't commit war crimes, and don't involve someone else's mum."

I nodded mock seriously and attempted my British accent again. "Oh course sirs. Jolly good!"

"I think your accent counts as a war crime," Fred quipped.

I picked up my trunk again. "Truce accepted. Now if you'll excuse me, I have better stuff to do then pranks." I turned around and attempted to dramatically walk away and end the conversation on my own terms.

The twins followed me.

"Why are you wet?" Fred asked from behind me.

I paused, sighed, and turned around.

"I swam here from Ireland," I deadpanned.

Fred waved his wand at me. My clothes and hair were suddenly dry.

"Whoa, what? Aren't you worried about getting a letter from the Ministry?" I asked surprised.

George shrugged. "We've done magic on the train loads of times. They can't prove it's not a seventh year."

"Oh um… Thank you," I said awkwardly.

"Truce, unless not having a truce becomes more interesting!" Fred said over his shoulder as he walked away.

"Hey, wait! I was trying to dramatically walk away from you! No fair!" I called out, but they were already gone.

I guess this round goes to the Weasley Twins.

Wait, no round. TRUCE. We're under a TRUCE. I have to remember that.

I walked down the train hallway. Eloise waved from a compartment at the end of the train. I walked down the hallway, opened the door, stored my trunk in the overhead compartment, and sat down.

The four of us settled in for the train ride and traded idle chatter back and forth as the train pulled from the station. I kept having a nagging feeling that there was something I was forgetting that had nothing to do with that crazy business with Dobby.

Eventually, the topic turned to my hair.

Eloise yanked lightly on the lollipop still stuck in my hair. Drying my hair suddenly had stuck it even more firmly to the candy. "You might have to cut it out?"

I leaned away from Eloise.

Hannah pulled on the candy too. I batted her hand away. Stop yanking it!

"We can probably get it out with magic once we are at school. Are there any magical spells to remove candy from hair?" Hannah wondered.

"There is," Susan said and looked haunted.

There was a loud groaning sound and the train jolted suddenly. I barely caught myself from falling forward into Hannah's lap.

"What was that?" Eloise asked.

It didn't feel like we were moving.

I slid open the door. A group of fifth years in the compartment in front of us were doing the same. I looked down to the end of the aisle and towards the window that connected our section of the train. Instead of the next train car down all I could see was open sky. The end of the train had been disconnected from the rest of the Hogwarts Express. The rest of the train was gone.

Oh no.

The compartment at the front across the aisle from the fifth years opened. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley looked out.

Double oh no.

It should be too early in the year for the yearly murder Harry Potter plot!

I grabbed my wand out of my purse.

Okay, no big deal. It's just Dobby being really ambitious for some reason this go around. Someone will notice we became detached and reattach it. Or come back for us?

The windows on the train suddenly became frosted. I felt a chill run down my spine. Something heavy and oppressive felt upon my shoulders like thick blanket made of ice. The colors in the room seemed to dim and become muted. Despair gripped my heart suddenly and violently like a punch in the throat. I felt like I would never be happy ever again.

No! No! No! Dementors AND Dobby?! Fuck. I'VE BROKEN THE WORLD.

Someone was screaming. I gripped my wand tightly in my hand and wracked my brain desperately. Nothing I knew would be of any use. Dementors only had one weakness didn't they? Of course, I wouldn't know anything! This was ridiculous I was only a second year! This shouldn't be happening already what had I done?!

My grip on my wand faltered. My eyelids were so heavy… Someone was crying. I forced open bleary eyes. Eloise was crying. Harry… someone needs to save Harry right? He's important… Susan and Hannah were trying to drag Eloise up. I stood as well and then stumbled. There was a gunshot far in the distance echoing in my ear drums. Something was warm and sticky. I smelled metal. Someone was whispering… There was a shocked gasp of air.

No, I needed to get up? Didn't I? A man was yelling something? The whispering grew louder…

And suddenly, as quickly as it appeared, the feeling was gone.

I collapsed on the ground panting. Eloise continued to cry. Susan and Hannah sat down. I grabbed the door frame and dragged myself up.

I have to make sure Harry is okay.

I slid open the door. In the hallway, two men stood in front of Harry Potter with their wands held up. All I could see were their backs. Ron was behind Harry holding him up.

I stepped back into the carriage and collapsed on the seat beside Eloise.

Eloise was still crying.

There was a loud series of pops. I quickly let Eloise go and held out my wand in front of me.

In front of us, stood Hannah's mother and a man with a wooden left hand that I had never seen before.

"You're okay!" Samantha exclaimed with relief. The man glanced at Susan and also looked relieved.

The man with the wooden hand walked briskly away back into the hallway barked, "Secure the perimeter!"

"I'm going to kill that bitch," Samantha muttered angrily and followed him.

Eloise was sniffling but she seemed to have gotten her crying under control. I reached out and squeezed her hand so she couldn't see that mine were shaking.

We waited in hushed silence. However, whatever the aurors were looking for they must not have found it, because eventually they rounded us all up and apparated us in pairs along with our trunks to a rustic looking street clustered with antique looking shops.

Any other time I would have gawked at my first look at Hogsmeade, but as it was I kept a tight grip on my wand and suspected every shadow of danger. After everyone had been carried over, we trudged down the street and then across the Hogwarts lawn as a group. The small group stopped at the front of the lawn where McGonagall met us looking livid.

McGonagall opened her mouth to say something, but the man with the wooden hand shook his head. McGonagall closed her mouth but her face still looked thunderous. Her brows were scrunched up and her mouth was a tight white line.

I was surprised fire didn't spew forth from her mouth when she turned towards us.

"You've missed the sorting, but we made sure to save you some food. Leave your personal belongings on the lawn and they will be taken to your rooms. Come along," McGonagall called out and then turned smartly towards the school.

We obediently followed her and made our way to the Great Hall. When we finally trudged into the Great Hall, the room erupted in whispers. Most of the eyes were turned toward Harry Potter and Ron Weasley as they walked to their seats. As soon as we sat down, our house mates erupted into questions.

I ignored them. My eyes were glued to the two new people standing on the raised teacher's platform.

Sirius Black sat at the staff stable next to Professor Dumbledore. A few seats down, Snape looked like Christmas had been canceled from now and until the end of time.

Huh.

I sat down in a numb daze and robotically began to fill my plate.

Sirius was our new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. That was… rather annoying actually. I go to all that trouble of getting him out of prison and he goes and gets a cursed job. At least, we'll probably learn some useful things this year.

I glanced back up at the staff table.

Snape had become a dark specter of hate and rage. The man wasn't even trying to compose himself. With the primordial level of hate he was directing towards Sirius, I'm surprised the other man didn't disintegrate on the spot. Snape was going to be PMS-ing hard this entire year wasn't he? Ugh.

And Dobby was trying to save Harry from the Malfoy plot not knowing I'd already done so. And Dementors were around… why? Were they hunting Peter Pettigrew? Had he met up with Voldemort? Would he be able to with aurors on the lookout for him? How the heck did Voldemort even go from Ghost Voldemort to horrible mutated baby Voldemort? Maybe I should make sure none of my teachers had been replaced by Barty Crouch while I was at it. Maybe ole toad faced Umbridge would hop her way into my life early somehow.

All the plots were going off at once like a loose cigarette in a fireworks factory.

Should I finally go to Dumbledore?

My heart started to race. My classmates started to blur. My hands felt numb and I nearly dropped my spoon.

I… didn't have to go tomorrow. I could still plan a little. I still had a little time to prove to Dumbledore that I can be trusted. That I'm worthy of not getting my memories taken. He didn't need to saddle me with some random adult who'd try to control my life. 'Look at all I've done!' I would say. 'Look at how useful I am!' You don't need to erase my memories.

Maybe I don't have to go to him directly? A letter could be easily traced back to me but there were other ways of getting information to him. He knew more magic than me and had more experience than me, but he wasn't omnipotent no matter the guise he liked to show. My biggest advantage was that he had no reason to suspect some random Hufflepuff girl of anything. My anonymity was my greatest strength.

It kept me safe.

I slowed my breathing. I didn't even realize I'd started to breathe quickly. My heart rate slowed to normal. I took a slow calming breath and glanced back up at the staff table.

Sirius waved cheekily at Snape.

I'd have to think up something this year.

* * *

I didn't remember what that niggling feeling back on the train had been until late that night.

I'd forgotten to seek out Luna Lovegood. Forget about trying to befriend her or somehow convince her to ask the Sorting Hat to be put her in Hufflepuff. I'd forgotten to look for her entirely.

I guess that paled in comparison to BREAKING THE WORLD.

I rolled over onto my stomach and buried my face into my pillow.

"Are you asleep?" Eloise whispered softly from her bed.

I rolled over to face her. I could barely make her out in the room. The Hufflepuff dorms were underground, but somehow it was never pitch black even with the lights off.

"Nah. Are you okay?" I whispered back and hugged my pillow.

Eloise was silent for so long I thought she might have fallen asleep.

"I… I think so…" I heard a sniffle. "I saw the day my mum died."

I grimaced and hugged my pillow tighter.

"I'm sorry," I replied awkwardly.

I've never been good at helping people with grief. I always feel like I'm on the precipice of saying something rude or dumb. I like to _fix_ things. I like problems to solve. But you can't fix grief. You can't fix the effects of death.

The silence in the room felt heavy.

"What did you see?" Eloise asked softly.

I considered pretending like I'd fallen asleep.

But no… that would be the coward's way out.

_I want to be brave._

"When I was a toddler someone broke into our house and robbed us. When my mom tried running away they shot her." I hugged my pillow tighter. "She lived… I … didn't remember any of it."

Didn't use to… Heh, I guess me and Harry have a little in common. Although, there was no grand destiny involved in mine. Just random, senseless regular violence. I was lucky that she didn't die. It definitely changed her though. I wish I could have met her before she became so afraid of everything. Before she felt like she had to grab ahold of everything close to her with an iron grip and keep it in place.

I hope I didn't suddenly disappear on my mom. I hope time stopped over there or something. I mean, I went back in time too, right? It's not impossible then? Maybe no one is missing me at all?

Guilt grabbed my heart and squeezed it painfully. Because I knew, deep down, that given the choice to go home right now… I wouldn't take it. I wouldn't give up magic.

The room was quiet except for the soft sounds of Eloise sniffling.

"No one fell apart like me," Eloise whispered.

That's not fair.

"No one had as bad of a memory as you. Even mine. I was just a baby. The memory was barely a memory. It was just… sensations. Seeing your mom die when you can remember it…" I trailed off. My memory had actually been pretty terrible, but she didn't need to know that.

"It wasn't when she died…" Eloise admitted guiltily.

"Oh?"

"I wasn't there when she passed away. It was afterwards… I heard my dad crying. He's so big and strong and I always thought he was invincible. But when I heard him in the hospital room after mum was gone he seemed so small."

I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything at all.

I listened to the light snoring of Hannah, and tried desperately to fall asleep. But sleep wouldn't come. A thought was wheedling its' away into my cowardly little heart and it wouldn't be silent. I turned over tangling my blanket around my legs. My grip on my pillow morphed from a squeeze into a choke hold.

How dare those stupid soul sucking primordial creatures of doom take my whimsical magical school life away from me and make things all serious and shit. No. I won't stand for it! There will be whimsy damn it! Magic, friendship, and WHIMSY!

"We're going to learn the Patronus spell!" I declared loudly.

"What?" Eloise asked sleepily.

"Secure the perimeter!" Hannah yelled out and bolted upright. She looked around the room confused.

"What's the Patronus spell?" Susan asked and sat up in bed. She rubbed her eyes tiredly, but she didn't sound like she'd been asleep.

"The Patronus spell protects people from Dementors. We're going to learn it. We're going to be great at it. And then we will never let them make us feel that way again."

"Can a second year learn an advanced spell like that?" Eloise asked.

I smiled grimly.

"A second year can sure as hell try."


	29. Pizza Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my first year and second year schedule every class is shared between two houses. It's the only way a Professor could take on that many classes a day without a time turner. This may not be how the classes work in canon.
> 
> Also, while I might use bits of lore and magic from the Fantastic Beasts movies, I am not going to adhere strictly to them.

**Note** : In my first year and second year schedule every class is shared between two houses. It's the only way a Professor could take on that many classes a day without a time turner. This may not be how the classes work in canon. Also, while I might use bits of lore and magic from the Fantastic Beasts movies, I am not going to adhere strictly to them.

**CHAPTER TWENTY NINE**

**PIZZA PARTY**

I yawned and took a large bite of my toast. I didn't get much sleep the night before. After all of the commotion, I even forgot to practice my nightly Occlumency exercises. Nothing like horrific mind ghost demon things to throw you off of your regular schedule.

I ate another bite of toast. I think I'm starting to like beans and toast? Or I'm getting Stockholm syndrome for beans and toast. I do miss some of the more traditional American breakfast items though. I'd kill a man right now for some biscuits and gravy. Maybe I should send Horace a letter and ask for a recipe? I did promise him I'd write a few weeks ago.

"Good morning dearies!" Sprout called out and bustled towards my breakfast table. She was wearing a bright yellow shirt dress with a brown smock that was already smudged with dirt.

I turned around in my seat.

"I've got this year's schedules!" Sprout declared and began handing out small scrolls to each of us. "This year is much like the last only there aren't any flying lessons."

I felt that it would probably be inappropriate to do a dance of joy in the middle of the Great Hall so I valiantly held back.

Sprout handed me my schedule scroll and moved on down the line.

Hmm, no flying lessons on Friday left me a nice gap to do homework and maybe do some kind of project in the Room of Requirement.

Huh… that reminds me of… something?

Something niggled at the back of my mind. There was something I was forgetting I was sure of it. Hmm, was it going to the library to get a book on Patronus? Or was the plural patroni? Eh, that was probably it. I needed to write in my day planner more to help stay organized. Writing down your thoughts can be really useful.

I took one last bite of toast and followed my classmates to our first class as second years.

\----

My first two classes of the week (Transfiguration and Herbology) consisted mostly of review. While necessary, they were rather boring. This afternoon, however, was Potions. Snape was never one for anything helpful and logical like reviewing so I fully expected we were jumping right into the second year curriculum. It might be unpleasant, but it definitively wouldn't be boring.

Actually, considering his foul 'I hate everything including you' mood, we were probably in for some ridiculously unfair 'this is so over our level and you're just being a dick about it' potion assignment.

I walked into the potion's classroom and set down my bag. Sure enough, written on the chalkboard already were the instructions for a potion I knew wasn't in the second or third year textbook (I've read it cover to cover). Heck, the name of the potion wasn't even in English. The Backpfeifengesicht Potion had an ingredient list as long as my arm and no explanation whatsoever of what the potion did or even what the German word meant.

I glanced over at Kevin to see if he at least looked less lost, but he met my eyes and shrugged helplessly as if to say, 'yeah I'm stumped too'.

Oh boy, if even Kevin is lost...

Beside me, Eloise seemed to have ran through the stages of grief at lightning speed and had settled into grim acceptance with a dull hopeless look reflected in her eyes.

Snape swept into the room and turned briskly toward us. He had dark puffy circles underneath his eyes.

"Brew the potion written on the board and then write a paragraph before you leave describing to me what you believe the potion does." Snape's dark rimmed eyes narrowed. "And don't think for a moment you'll be able to tell anyone else what the potion does. Every class will receive a unique potion assignment."

Everyone stared at him in silence. This was the first time he'd asked us to do anything like this. We hadn't discussed even the basics of how to identify a potion's effects. I only had a general idea of the process because I'd done outside reading last year.

I squinted at the potion ingredients and tried to dredge up the vague memories of a book I had read six months ago. I think the potion is a poison based on the ingredients, but I'd have to see what kind of smell and consistency the potion had to have any idea what it did beyond that. Even then, I feel like the book had a chart of some sort to compare things to? I definitely don't have the chart memorized.

I looked around. My fellow classmates either looked like they were in resigned despair, or that they were thinking Snape's face looked particularly punchable right now.

Snape's scowl deepened. "What are you waiting for? Begin!"

Snape turned his back to us and stalked towards his store room. He disappeared into the side room and proceeded to ignore our existence.

I sighed and started to write down the ingredients from the board.

\----

"What was your guess on what the potion does?" Hannah asked me after class was over.

The Second Year Hufflepuff's were moving as a group back to our common room. We had a couple of free hours before dinner.

"I guessed it was maybe a Grief Potion because of the expressions I could see swirling in the purple liquid." Negative emotion potions tended to literally scowl at you while you brewed them. "It was definitely a poison."

"I don't think it was a potion of grief. I think that's the wrong emotion. And I think it probably also affects people around the drinker. Asking us to identify the potion without the Magister's Index, Gauge, and Radial Axiom of Inert and Nascent Elixirs chart was unreasonable of him. Even my father doesn't have it memorized. He keeps a copy of it in his alchemic lab taped onto the wall." Kevin laughed darkly. "And I doubt Snape has it memorized either."

Wayne looked at Kevin incredulously. "I'm sorry, the Master-whatsit?"

"It's a chart professional potion makers can cross reference to try to identify the effects of a potion without doing something reckless like trying it," Kevin explained.

"So professional potioneers use it to figure out potion recipes?" I asked.

Kevin shrugged. "Dad uses it sometimes. Good potion masters can do a lot of different things to fool the chart. You can't have everyone brewing the potions you create. How would you make any money that way? Professor Snape has quite a few potions dad has to outsource to him because Professor Snape invented them and no one else knows how to make them."

Huh, weird. I should look up information about wizarding copyright law sometime.

"Why does the sot even work as a teacher then?" Wayne wondered out loud.

"I've wondered the same thing. He could make good money just brewing potions. Maybe he just enjoys torturing children?" Kevin suggested.

"What emotion do you think it was then?" Hannah asked.

Kevin shrugged. "It's something that creates a negative effect around the drinker. Beyond that? I have no idea."

We discussed the potion for a few more minutes, but no one else had any idea what it did either.

"I'll see you guys later. I'm going to head up to the library real quick," I lied.

Hannah sighed. "It's the first day back. You're really going to the library already?"

"What can I say. I love learning," I said with a straight face.

I waved goodbye to the group and headed up the stairs. Now to go to the Room of Requirement for...

I paused on the stairs.

What was I going to the Room of Requirement for again?

I wracked my brain. Was I going to start another potion? Was I planning on exploring the room and looking for... for... more magical books? No... that doesn't sound right.

Eh... I guess I'll go to the library. I need to get a few cookbooks for the pizza party thing. I'm sure it'll come back to me soon.

I walked up the steps and headed toward the library ignoring the headache I felt coming on.

\----

I had to wait until Tuesday for my first Defense Against the Dark Arts class with Sirius Black. When we arrived, I was surprised to find that the room looked nearly the same as when Quirrel had used it except for all of the desks were pushed to the sides of the room. The same faded wand angle diagrams were on the walls, and the outdated globe still collected dust in the corner. Sirius did bother to decorate his desk a little. There was a tiny flamingo bobbing up and down, one of those perpetual ball clanky things, a Muggle notebook, and a cup full of various quills.

Sirius sat at his desk with his feet propped on the desktop twirling his wand between his fingers like a baton. He was also leaning precariously back in his seat. He looked up as we began to file into the room, but didn't take his feet off of the desk. His hair was slicked back and his robes were obviously brand new. He would have looked handsome if it wasn't for the obvious hardships Azkaban had ravaged on his face. He looked at least ten years older than he should have.

He also looked bored.

After everyone had filed into the room we all stood around awkwardly waiting for Sirius to begin class. He leisurely stretched, yawned, and then finally addressed the room.

"I'm Professor Sirius Black. Yes, we don't have any books. No you can't ask me about Azkaban. I won't be assigning any homework," Sirius paused. "I assume none of you are going to beg for homework like that barmy curly haired girl in Harry's class?"

Apparently, Hermione committed social suicide this week.

Everyone was glancing at each other in stunned silence. Sirius seemed to take our stunned silence as agreement.

"Good now eh, what do you lot want to learn?" Sirius glanced about the room.

He was asking us? What the heck?

Everyone was looking at each other again in confusion.

"And it can't be anything dark," Sirius added in and narrowed his eyes slightly at some of my Slytherin classmates.

Everyone glanced about each other awkwardly. It seemed no one wanted to be the first to suggest anything. Eventually, I sighed and shot my hand up to move things along. Some of the Slytherin students were starting to look mutinous.

"How about the Patronus Charm?" I suggested.

Sirius's eyebrows shot up. "That's pretty advanced. Are you sure? I was going to test on whatever we did in class."

My fellow Hufflepuff's were looking at me in alarm, and many of the Slytherins were outright glaring. I could feel the noose of social suicide proverbially tightening around my neck.

"Not that then," I added in quickly. I wracked my brain. "What about a disarming charm?"

Ernie, Wayne, and Roger still looked uncertain. Millicent Bulstrode glared at me like an angry bulldog. Come on guys! It's not like we're going to get nothing if no one speaks up. At least, I hope that's the case.

"It's not hard!" I assured the room.

Sirius shrugged. "Alright," he called out and slowly got out of his chair and stood in front of the room. "It goes like this." He aimed the charm at Pansy, Blaise, and Draco in quick succession. Their wands went flying across the room. Pansy and Draco flinched, but Blaise didn't react at all.

Note to self, never play poker with Blaise. Not that he'd ever play a card game with me anyways.

"Not that difficult, right? Pair up and practice until the end of the class," Sirius then sat back down behind his desk, put his feet up at his desk, and started to read a magazine.

That was anti-climatic.

Most of the other Hufflepuff's already knew the spell due to learning it last year at Spell Club so we mostly tutored Ernie, Wayne, and Roger and practiced at bit among ourselves. It was a perfectly passable class but still kind of boring?

I guess I was expecting more along the lines of how Remus Lupin was portrayed in the third book? Remus might be a better teacher than Sirius.

Then again... That was all shown from Harry's perspective not from some random Hufflepuff's girl's view.

\----

On Wednesday, I headed up to the seventh floor where the Ravenclaw dorms, Owlery, and Room of Requirement was located. At first, my feet took me to the Room of Requirement then I made an abrupt turn when I realized that I had no reason to be there. Making all of those aging potions at the end of last year really instilled a habit in me I guess.

I skulked about a bit hoping that I would chance a meeting with Luna Lovegood. Then I could befriend her... somehow. She seems like she'd be easy to befriend as long as you were nice to her. Unfortunately, no big-eyed blonde girl appeared or any blonde first year girl doing something odd. Maybe assuming I'd recognize her on sight is a foolish assumption?

I gave up after two passes around the tower and headed to the Owlery instead. I cautiously stepped into the archway of the tall domed room. Way above my head there were small bird sized holes so the owl's could come and go as they pleased, but the windows within reach were latched shut. The ground crunched under my feet and was littered with occasional small rodent bones. Otherwise, the place was very clean. There must be some kind of anti-bird poop spell on the place.

I choose a particularity robust looking eagle owl with bright orange eyes, long talons, and adorable tuffs at the tops of his head that looked like skinny bunny ears.

"Hello, Mr. Owl." I supposed it could be a lady owl? "I have a letter for you that has to go all the way to America." I gave my letter that was addressed to Horace at Ilvermorny to the school owl. It took the letter from me, dropped it, peered at the letter, and then chirped indignantly at me.

"Uh, yes, I am asking you cross the ocean..." I trailed off and tried to stare down the owl. I was the first one to blink. "Uh, I'll give you a huge pile of bacon when you eventually get back? Do you want me to tie it to your leg?"

I reached for the letter but the bird puffed up his feathers and hissed. I pulled my hand back quickly.

"Ohhhkaaay then. I won't touch the letter again. Thanks?"

The bird chirped angrily, picked up the letter, and flew off.

I heard several people clamber up the steps of the Owlery behind me.

"But are any of us really alive?!" Oliver exclaimed as he entered the Owlery.

Anthony and Neville followed closely on Oliver's heels. They were all carrying Muggle flashlights for some reason.

"Merlin's balls, not this again…" Anthony mumbled and ran his free hand through his hair.

Oliver stopped and flipped the switch of his flashlight over and over. It did not turn on. "I'm just saying, if a basic electric resistor doesn't work at Hogwarts then none of the physics that lets people stay alive would either!"

"This all sounds like nonsense to me," Anthony argued back. Anthony finally noticed me and waved.

Oliver flailed his flashlight wildly in the air. "But what if we just feel alive because we THINK we're alive?!"

Neville shyly waved to me and then turned back to Oliver. "I definitely feel alive?"

"You got all this because your Muggle torches stopped working at Hogwarts?" Anthony asked doubtfully.

Oliver flailed his flashlight around again and nearly clocked Neville on the head. "Yes! Why aren't you lot more worried about this?!"

Neville took a few steps back from Oliver's gesturing arm.

Oliver abruptly swirled towards me.

"Kaaasseeeeey! On a scale of one to ten how alive do you feel?!"

I considered it for a moment. It was a Wednesday, after all. "Maybe a 7?"

Anthony gave me a dirty look. "Don't encourage him."

Oliver held up his free hand and looked at it intensely. "Could we really be energy based beings instead of corporeal?"

"I'm lost," Neville admitted.

Anthony snorted. "You're fine Neville. Oliver is the one lost on another planet already."

"What are you guys doing exactly?" I asked curiously.

Oliver grinned a tad manically. "We're testing to see if my torches will work at different elevations. Hmm, we should get some brooms and fly above the castle roof to see how high the anti-technology field or whatever it is goes?"

Neville turned pale.

"Whoa, you can't put Neville on a broom. He could die!" I exclaimed alarmed.

Neville winced. "Ouch… you're not wrong but... ouch."

Oliver clapped a hand on Neville's shoulder. "You'll be fine Nev. I believe in you!"

Neville shrugged off Oliver's hand. "Thanks mate, but I don't believe in me."

"I don't believe in Neville either," Anthony deadpanned.

"But how else are we going to sneak you into our dorm this weekend? You've got to start playing in my D&D campaign! We've got all the stuff set up in our room. I made you a halfing druid! I think you'll like it! He uses plants!" Oliver exclaimed and was practically bouncing with excitement.

Oh, he finally tricked some people into playing D&D with him. Good for him.

Neville looked skeptical. "Is it really okay to sneak me in?"

"Eh, the only one that will care would be Stephen and if he tattles we'll glue him to the bed for the weekend." Oliver shot a guilty look towards me. "Sorry, Kasey. The party is already full."

"We'd also get in even more trouble if we were caught sneaking a girl from another house into our dorm room," Anthony added in.

"It's fine," I assured them.

I really had no desire to tackle the horror that is second edition Dungeons and Dragons.

Oliver brightened up. "Oh! Do you want to take one of the torches up on the roof with us?"

"You can't put Kasey on a broom. She'll die," Neville deadpanned.

Oh, a little bit of revenge there, eh Neville? I'm proud of him and mildly insulted at the same time.

"You're not wrong," I said honestly. "I'm a menace on a broom."

Oliver seemed undaunted. "We can ride tandem and Nev can ride behind me. We'll be fine. Oh! We could give Nev one of those bouncing bean things so he'd just bounce if he fell!"

Neville shrugged. He must be getting used to Oliver's crazy ideas. "I'd rather not bounce several hundred meters up and down over and over. No, thanks."

Oliver slapped Neville on the back. Neville staggered a little. "You'll be fine. Be a chancer for once! Oh! I bet we could literally bounce you into the window if we aimed it right."

Neville looked green around the edges.

"So... That's a hard no for me on riding a broom. I'm going to leave now. See you guys later. Try not kill Neville, okay?"

I made my escape out of the room before I got included in this horrific bouncing scheme Oliver was cooking up. Neville halfheartedly waved goodbye as Oliver began to discuss the further logistics and proper angles of bouncing Neville into their dorm room.

I bet they haven't even thought of simply asking permission from Flitwick. Ah well. I'm sure they'll be fine.

\----

Friday morning was free because we no longer had broom riding lessons so I took the opportunity to head down to the kitchens and get some pizza ingredients for later in the day. Since it was after lunch, I hoped that I wouldn't be bothering the elves too much. Of course, they'd never say I was bothering them.

I walked carefully into the kitchen. The back half of the kitchens were filled with bubbles as a group of elves seemed to be supervising the dishes as they cleaned themselves. Another group was peeling potatoes while a third group was eating sandwiches.

"Hello? I was wondering if you could give me some ingredients?" I asked the elf closest to me who was peeling potatoes. He was standing on a human-sized stool next to a work table.

Now that I think about it, the whole kitchen is human-sized instead of elf-sized. Surely, the work tables should be the size of the workers?

The elf dropped what he was doing and bounded over to me. "We can make it for you if you have the recipe!"

I bent down so I wasn't looming over him. "No, thank you. I just wanted the ingredients. I have a list."

The potato peeling elf looked stricken. "Is there something wrong with our cooking, Miss?"

"No! Nothing is wrong," I reassured him. "I was wanting to make a couple of pizzas for my club. I though it would be fun if we made the pizzas ourselves with magic."

I handed him my recipe. He still looked confused.

"Oh!" He smacked his small fist into his palm. "Miss, thinks we can't make it ourselves because it's a magical pizza! Don't worry! We can do magical pizzas too if you have the directions!"

The other two elves peeling potatoes nodded in agreement enthusiastically.

I repressed the urge to groan.

"Listen, I just want to make it myself I-"

The kitchen door swung open and Daphne Greengrass walked in. She was carrying two empty metal buckets with odd reddish-brown stains on them.

"I want a bucket of fish heads," she announced evenly without preamble.

The potato peeling elf peered at my recipe and then looked back at me. "Miss, you forgot to add fish heads on your ingredient list!" He wrinkled his nose. "Muggle recipes are so strange."

"How many fish heads do you want?" A voice called out from the back. An elf with a bloody apron stepped out of a side room.

"No! She's on a separate errand. I don't want fish heads!" I exclaimed and looked at Daphne annoyed.

She seemed unperturbed by the situation and simply held out her buckets a little further.

An elf stirring a large pot piped up, "Are you sure, Miss? I've heard of this pizza you're talking about! They've got anchovies sometimes! Those are little fishies! Sometimes..." The elf's voice dropped low like she was imparting a great secret. "Sometimes... they put PINEAPPLE on their pizza!"

The elves in unison, drew back in horror.

"Pineapple pizza is delicious!" I argued. I paused, ran my hand through my hair, and sighed. The pineapple pizza debate was getting way off topic. "I'm not making a pineapple pizza. I'm making cheese and pepperoni pizzas."

Everyone likes those combinations.

"Are you sure, Miss? Cheese and pineapple don't go together..." The potato peeling elf actually patted my hand. "It's okay. We kitchen elves know our cooking. There's no reason for a witch to worry about silly details like this! We'll take care of you and keep you from eating bad things!"

"Pineapple on pizza is good!" I cried out incredulously.

The kitchen elves were giving me looks like they thought I was particularly slow and needed taken care of.

"Have you ever even had it?" I asked a tad more confrontationaly then I meant to.

The elves ears drooped a little and I felt immediately guilty for raising my voice.

"No, Miss," the elf who spoke last admitted.

"Fish heads," Daphne said again and waved her buckets.

"Fine, I'll make you a pineapple pizza right now, and I'll prove to you that it can be good!" I declared and rolled up my sleeves. "You can give me pointers if I'm doing anything wrong!"

The room was shocked into silence.

"A witch can't make us food!" someone squeaked out from the back.

"It's against the laws of nature!" another elf yelled out in alarm.

The potato peeling elf bounded up. "Let Keefe make the pizza for you, Miss. You want fish heads on it right? Or was it anchovies?"

"I need fish heads. Now," Daphne declared and walked up next to me.

The pot stirring elf (was that Sophie? I think?) rounded on Keefe. "Anchovies are different than fish heads?"

"The fish heads are for my turtle," Daphne explained in her normal deadpan voice.

Sophie titled her head. "So pizza is for turtles?"

I resisted the urge the pull my hair out. "No! Pizza isn't for turtles."

Screw it. I started to gather the ingredients I needed myself. Now where would they keep the pineapple?

"So you're going to put the turtle on the pizza?" An elf asked who was polishing silverware.

Daphne tilted her head like she was considering it.

"There will be no turtles on the pizza! She's on a separate errand! Ugh. Can someone get me some pepperoni?" I put a few measuring cups and spoons on an empty work table. A few of the elves seem to be getting into my industrious spirit and were helping me gather the items. "Not everyone has an elf at home to cook for them. I'll have to know how to cook when I get older. And it could be fun to cook it together and learn a new recipe right?"

"Doesn't have an elf at home? You poor dear!" An younger looking elf exclaimed and handed me a sack of flour.

They were definitely looking like they felt sorry for me now.

An elf sat a measuring cup on the table and then stage whispered, "You can't just call the girl poor you clod! How rude!"

I definitely heard that...

An elderly elf approached us who must have been important among their hierarchy because he had a chef hat on. "A student making their own food?! I've never heard of anything so preposterous!" She turned towards Daphne. "And I suppose you want to start beheading your own fish heads now too?"

Daphne titled her head to the side like she was considering it.

The eff looked affronted. "Well, you can't Missy!

Oh no.

Daphne quirked an eyebrow and then said slowly and blandly, "Where do you keep your raw fish?"

One elf timidly pointed towards the back of the kitchen where the elf with the bloody apron came out of.

Daphne marched off towards the back of the kitchens.

I shrugged and started mixing the ingredients for the dough. There was a spell to get the ingredients incorporated so you didn't have to stir yourself. I think I might skip that one. Sometimes, I wonder how wizards' muscles don't completely atrophy.

"Miss, you really don't need to do this yourself!" An elf cried out from the back.

Daphne didn't respond. She was too busy intently eyeing a display of sharp looking cleavers while an elf beside her faintly sobbed.

I ignored her and the faint CHOP, SQUELCH, CHOP sounds that were now coming from the back.

I made sure to ask for pointers as I worked which thankfully caused the elves to stop fretting. In fact, after I made it known how much I admired all of their knowledge, many of them started to get into it. Dare I say it, I even heard a hint of pride in their voices when they helped me make the best pineapple pizza ever. I'm sure it wasn't often that their knowledge was appreciated by anyone, let alone someone from the wizarding community.

And gosh darn it, at least half of everyone who tried the pineapple pizza liked it! Pineapple pizza for the win! Screw it, I'm taking pineapple as a topping ingredient to the club meeting!

Daphne got to walk away with two buckets of bloody fish gore too so it was a win for everyone this afternoon.

\---

I had been planning on hauling all of the tools and ingredients to the extra classroom myself, but the elves insisted on bringing everything up to the classroom for me. Granted, they can apparate (or their version thereof) everything in and they assured me that borrowing the mixing bowls, measuring cups, and spoons wasn't a burden.

When I got to the classroom the elves had brought a bunch of folding tables, utensils and bowls, and a small chipped cabinet to store the utensils in. On top of one of the tables, was a note saying the elves had found the tables and cabinet in a storage room and that we could keep them in the room indefintley.

I stood in front of the club room in front of my foldout table. My ingredients, utensils, bowl, and a measuring cup lay before me as well as the open recipe book. Everyone else had a similar setup. There was one empty table because Daphne hadn't shown up. That wasn't that unusual in and of itself, she missed a lot of the meetings last year as well.

We had already stirred everything together and now had nice round balls of dough in our bowls. We'd done everything by hand so far.

"After everything has been incorporated, we next cast the kneading spell. The incantation is Transverso. And the wand movement is this..." I moved my hand in a small circle with my palm facing downward almost like I was miming kneading bread. "Transverso!"

The dough began to knead itself. I could see finger imprints of a large invisible hand occasionally on the dough. I sprinkled a bit more flour on the board so the dough didn't stick.

Everyone followed my example except for Anthony who glanced at Oliver and then cast the spell directly on his friend.

Invisible hands began to vigorously knead Oliver's face. It didn't appear to be hurting him, but it was smooshing his face into some interesting expressions.

"Hey!" Oliver's hands flew to his eyes to protect them. "Actually this is kind of nice as long as I protect my eyeballs."

"Oookay," I turned away from Oliver and Anthony and proceeded to ignore them. "We let this knead for about five minutes. Then we cast the bread rising spell, Fermentum. Then we use Wingardium Leviosa to flatten it out, and then we cook it. The Muggle way requires you to knead it and let it rise in more cycles, but I guess the spells do everything all at once. The baking spell cooks food really fast. Watch it carefully, because it can burn fast." I explained.

I turned the page of the recipe book to the cooking spell and then wiped my hands off on a towel that was tucked into my jean's belt loop.

"So what does everyone think of the new Professor?" Hannah asked from the back of the room.

"The class was really fun!" Neville exclaimed excitedly. "We had an obstacle course with live grindylows and he taught us some really cool defense spells!"

Anthony waved his wand at Oliver and canceled the kneading spell.

Huh, that was nothing like our boring classes. We'd worked on the disarming spell and then the point me spell (that tells you which direction is north). Both of which I had suggested. Honestly, I feel like I was making his lesson plan for him. Hell, maybe I should.

"Yeah it was really fun!" Oliver exclaimed. "We got to swing on ropes like Tarzan and fake monsters came at us that we had to defend ourselves against!"

Ah, Ravenclaw shares their Defense Against the Dark Arts class with Gryffindor don't they?

Hermione snorted. "Practical experience is all well and good, but homework is important for memorization!"

Oliver cast the kneading spell on his own dough ball and glanced back over at Hermione. "If you keep asking for homework in class you're going to get hexed in the hallways."

Hermione glared.

"Not by me!" Oliver cried out.

"That wasn't anything like our class. We just worked in groups," Eloise piped up directly in front of me.

"I bet he's working harder because Harry's in the class," I said bluntly.

Hermione nodded. "He was obviously playing favorites."

Neville frowned. "He didn't go easy on Harry. He's really good at Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"I think he's the best teacher we've got this year! I hope he doesn't disappear in mysterious circumstances like the last one!" Oliver waved his hand around his dough ball like he was trying to see if he could feel the invisible hand.

"An obstacle course must be difficult to set up. Maybe he'll give us the obstacle course later?" Eloise suggested always one for giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

"I wonder if he's really alright in the head. Azkaban is supposed to make you completely barmy. Is it okay for him to be teaching in a school?" Hannah theorized.

"Don't let Harry hear you say that," Neville warned. "Professor Black has practically adopted him."

Hannah shrugged. "How often do I talk to Harry?"

"You think we should have homework, right?" Hermione turned toward me hopefully. She had big puppy dog eyes.

I winced. "Sorry Hermione, I actually prefer practical classes," I admitted.

Hermione looked betrayed. Then she rallied and put her hands on her hips. Her sassiness level rose dramatically. "With that kind of attitude, you're going to do horrible on the O.W.L.s and the N.E.W.T.s!"

I laughed and was amused to see that it raised her sassiness level even further. "I actually don't care what I get on the standardized tests."

Hermione looked betrayed and scandalized. She's way too easy to wind up.

"Hermione, you can do your own homework and outside reading. You don't have to have it assigned in class. If you're concerned about the O.W.L.s get one of the official study guides and make sure you're covering the background info you need," I suggested.

Basically, make Sirius's damn lesson plan for him. Ugh.

Hermione looked unconvinced. "Are you going to do that?"

I cackled. "No."

"Yeah! Who wants a desk job anyway?!" Oliver exclaimed and held his hand up next to me for a high five.

"Hell yeah!" I gave him a hearty high-five. The loud smacking sound echoed in the stone room and maybe throughout the ages. Whose to say?

Hermione's left eyebrow twitched and she looked a bit speechless. She reminded me of a frozen computer that needed to be rebooted.

"I wouldn't mind an office job somewhere out of the way and quiet," Anthony said wistfully.

"I wouldn't mind a job in the Herbology research department," Neville added in.

It must be nice to be that young and already know exactly what you want to do when you grow up.

"Ha! You know you are all going to be members of my Super Wizard Space Force!" Oliver raised a flour encrusted fist dramatically over his head.

Anthony rolled his yes. "Don't just volunteer us for things without asking. How are you going to pay for it?"

Huh, I could pay for it...

"I can't say I care about the tests really either. It's not like Dad won't hand down his potion's store to me if my History of Magic grade is low. As long as I know Potions, it doesn't really matter," Kevin said. I feel like he was trying to be flippant, but I think he sounded just a little bit sad.

Everyone then spent a few minutes discussing what we wanted to do when we got older.

"I don't know what I want to do when I get older," Hannah admitted.

"I'm going to be a unicorn breeder!" Eloise said excitedly. She turned towards me. "What do you want to do Kasey?"

I shrugged. "I want to travel the world and have adventures. I suppose I could write books about my travels and different magical creatures, people, and cultures that I meet. You know, like Gilderoy Lockhart, but not a pompous fake."

Hermione gasped out loud. "Gilderoy Lockhart is NOT fake!"

I cackled again. It was an evil cackling kind of day.

Oh my sweet summer child.

"He's so fake. Nothing within his books adds up," I explained. I hadn't actually read that garbage, but book Hermione had found numerous flaws in them and that was good enough for me.

The irony of arguing with Hermione about Hermione's opinion was not lost on me.

We argued back and forth about Gilderoy Lockhart for a few minutes. The boys had no idea who he was. Surprisingly, Hannah was on my side. Although, her reasoning was that she didn't like men who had prettier hair than her...

I glanced at my dough. It looked like it was at the correct consistency now.

"Next is the rising spell. Fermentum!"

My dough ball rose slowly poofing up until it was a little white cloud. It reminded me of making smores in the microwave. Although, the dough stopped rising at a point and didn't become a giant marshmallow goo pile if you weren't watching closely.

"And then the super fun part! Wingardium Leviosa!" I lifted the pizza over my head and began to spin it quickly. It flattened out into a beautifully round circle. I then gently put it down onto my pizza pan. "Ta da!"

There was a chorus of Ooohs and Aaahs from the rest of the group. Everyone followed my example. The boys didn't have a dough fight. I was very proud of them.

"Then you put the pizza sauce on the dough and whatever toppings you want." I brushed the pizza sauce on and added some pepperonis. "The final stage is cooking the pizza. Be careful not to touch the red bubble. It's HOT. It only takes a few seconds to cook. Once it looks done, stop the spell immediately It can burn really fast. The spell goes like this. Coquus!" I called out and waved my hand.

A red bubble appeared that encompassed the pizza and pan. The pizza cooked rapidly in front of my eyes like a cooking video on fast forward. The cheese became golden brown in five seconds.

The aroma of fresh and hot pepperoni pizza permeated the room and I nearly drooled on myself.

"Let's get these pizzas done and get a list of what everyone wants to cover first this year," I said and pointed to the bowls of toppings behind me.

Everyone started working on their own pizzas except for Hermione who was muttering to herself. I sidled closer so I could hear what she was saying.

"You're all going to fail the most important tests of your life. Ridiculous children.. Why I never..." Hermione muttered under her breath like a crazy old homeless lady.

She could really get stuck on things sometimes.

"Hey, I've got some extra pepperoni. Hermione, do you want it?" I asked Hermione and offered her my bowl.

Hermione frowned at me while I smiled at her as if to say 'I know you're trying to distract me from what's really important and I won't have any of it!' I continued to stare at her with a smile on my face. She was the first one to blink.

Hermione sighed. "Yes, please."

"Ohh, wicked! You've got pineapple! I want pineapple on mine!" Oliver sprinkled pineapple all over his pizza.

"Pineapple pizza for life!" I exclaimed and high fived Oliver again.

Hermione wrinkled her nose at us. "You're crazy and disgusting!"

Suddenly, the door to the club room opened and Daphne walked in carrying two buckets. She walked up to the group and as she got closer I saw that the bloody buckets were full of fish heads.

"I have brought the fish heads for toppings," Daphne said in her normal monotone.

Everyone froze and looked at me accusingly. Anthony and Neville looked horrified.

"You don't push fish heads on pizza," I rushed to explain. I think Anthony and Neville thought we were really going to top our pizzas with bloody raw fish heads.

"I'll try it!" Oliver offered enthusiastically.

"No. Just... no." I rubbed my hand over my face.

In the end, the pizzas turned out great... except for Oliver's disgusting fish head and pineapple pizza.

\----

Another week passed, and I settled into the school routine again. Sirius's classes continued to be the same. They weren't incompetent or inaccurate. We did learn spells. They were just very lackluster. The pattern set in our first class held. He'd show us a spell enough times for us to try it ourselves and then he'd sit down and ignore us while we practiced. He'd answer questions as well if we asked. It was just glaringly obvious that his heart was not in it. Then later on, I'd hear from Hermione about the extravagant lesson he'd put on for Harry's class involving a makeshift full class war duel or simulated wilderness survival with real dark creatures.

Considering all the people who wanted to kill Harry, he did need practical classes like this. It doesn't mean I can't be super jealous though...

I followed my roommates down the Great Hall stairs late one Friday night after astronomy class. My neck ached after unsuccessfully trying to find the moon Triton for a solid hour. I couldn't just lie and said I found it either. Professor Sinistra could cast a spell that somehow told her if your telescope had laid eyes on the requested celestial body. It was super annoying.

I rubbed my neck absently as we made it to the first floor landing. My headache was back in full force and the _something_ was on the tip of my brain again. The sight of the library off hours book return box at the far end of the hallway jolted something loose.

I had to... return a book?

My headache intensified into a migraine. My steps faltered.

Eloise, Hannah, and Susan noticed me stop and paused with me.

"Are you okay Kasey?" Eloise asked concerned.

I did have a book to return now. That made sense but... I didn't have a book to return last week?

I squinted at her. "Just a bit of a headache. I'm going to return a library book to the off hours bin really quick. I'll be right behind you."

"Don't dawdle! We're supposed to go right back to our dorms after Astronomy class!" Susan advised and started down the stairs into the basement. Hannah followed. Eloise paused for a moment looking concerned, and then followed behind them.

I walked over down the hallway and stopped in front of the library doors where the bin was. The bin was made of stone and looked like an obese gargoyle with a large gaping wide mouth and blunted teeth. I reached into my bag, pulled out the book, and dropped it into the gargoyle's mouth. It actually opened it's mouth wider and said 'ahhh' when I dropped it in.

I swear my fingers brushed against some other book when I had my hand in my purse. Did I check out another book? I don't remember checking out another book. But I've went overboard before on checking out books...

My migraine intensified and there was a jolting pain across my temples. I shut my eyes for a moment.

"Thompson! What are you doing outside of your dorm?" Snape barked.

I jumped back and opened my eyes. Snape was looming down upon me with narrowed eyes. It must be his turn to patrol the hallways. I hadn't even heard him walking up. I rushed to explain.

"I just dropped off a book to the library on the way back from astronomy class. I'm heading back to the dorm now."

Snape looked at me suspiciously.

Just in case, I threw up my Occlumency shields-

THE DIARY! YOU FORGOT THE FREAKIN DIARY! TAKE THE DIARY OFF TO THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT RIGHT NOW! OH MY GOD! MORON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY DID I FORGET TO KEEP UP MY OCCLUMENCY LESSONS?! IDIOT! THERE'S NO WAY I ACTUALLY FORGOT! GO! GO NOW!

I froze and Snape looked even more suspicious.

"Sorry, I'm going right now! G-Goodnight Sir!" I turned around and ran down the stairs.

"No running!" He bellowed behind me.

I forced myself to a brisk walk until I was down the stairs and out of his sight. As soon he couldn't see me, I pulled out the Marauder's Map. I kept my Occlumency shields up locked tight like massive castle gates.

"I solemnly swear I'm up to no good!" I whispered as fast as I could. I glanced at the map, mentally noted a route to the seventh floor that didn't include any adults, and dashed up the stairs as fast as I could. As I ran, I cast Silencio onto myself so my pounding footsteps would go unheard.

I glanced at the map as I dashed up the stairs. On the fifth floor corridor, Filch was prowling around so I had to duck behind a tapestry and wait him to pass. As soon as he was around the corner, I jumped back out and ran up the last two flights of steps. I was glad I had cast silencio because now I was breathing hard like an overworked race horse.

I skidded to an exhausted stop in front of the room's secret entrance and paced back and forth thinking desperately, 'I need a room with a bunch of iron boxes! I need a room with a bunch of iron boxes of varying sizes!'

As soon as the room appeared, I dashed in and closed the door. All of the room's usual junk was present, but there was a cleared spot in the middle with a bunch of iron boxes. I ducked and weaved around the rows of junk making my way to the center. Excellent, now I just have to-

I stopped. The most beautiful, brilliant, sparkling tiara stood before me. It was made of gleaming silver and encrusted with precious diamonds. In the center, was a massive flawless blue sapphire. It would look beautiful on. I would be the prettiest-

FUCK YOU TOM RIDDLE AND YOUR PRETTY PRINCESS TIARA! LIKE HELL I'M PUTTING THAT SHIT ON!

I grabbed it with my other hand. It felt slippery and warm like I was holding a snake.

YOUR DAMN COSPLAY JEWELERY IS GOING IN SOME BOXES TOO! I'M NOT FALLING FOR THIS CREEPY EVIL SHIT!

I found the two smallest boxes and put the diary in one and the diadem tiara whatever thing in the other. My headache immediately lessened. I then placed them in increasingly larger boxes like some super evil iron Russian nesting dolls. By the fifth box, my headache had completely gone. However, I decided that I would for broke and used up all the boxes I had. By the end, the two Horcruxes were encased in seven layers of iron boxes.

I then used magic to paint a blue X on the diadem's box and a red X on the diary's box. I then cast the few locking spells I knew. They were vastly inadequate, but at least it wouldn't pop open accidentally. At least, I hope it wouldn't. What the fuck would I know? I could have been a few days away from choking chickens with my bare hands!

I searched my memories, but I couldn't identify any gaps.

I breathed a sigh of relief and nearly sank to my knees.

I had no idea just having the thing near me could affect me like that. Did that ever happen in the books? I guess there was hints that wearing the locket was having a negative effect on their attitudes. But to make me forget completely and the thing was just in my bag _near_ me?

Well... I hadn't forgotten completely. Part of me knew something was wrong and that I had forgotten something important. I must not be complete shit at Occlumency.

I've got to get the heck out of here and downstairs before my roommates think something's happened to me.

I left the Room of Requirement and carefully navigated my way down to the Hufflepuff dormitories using the Marauder's Map. My heart didn't stop pounding until I stepped into my dorm room and dropped my book bag on my bed.

My roommates were all sitting on their beds waiting for me to return.

"Where were you?" Eloise asked concerned.

"I got lost on the road of life?" I tried.

I suddenly had three girls glaring at me.

"I wanted to see if I could sneak around a bit without being caught," I tried.

"Oh," Eloise said as if that was a reasonable explanation.

"You should have invited us along!" Hannah protested as Susan rolled her eyes.

All of the girls seemed to take this bullshit explanation as truth really easy. I guess that says a lot about me.

I have to figure out a way to get rid of the Horcruxes in that room or somehow lure Dumbledore to finding them himself. What if they manage to lure some other kid into that room despite the iron boxes? Sure, the ridiculous level of iron should contain just about anything according to the Curse breaking books I read, but I'm sure they didn't take into account chunks of evil people souls. And now there was two of them in the same room! That couldn't be good either.

And hell, I need to do something about the Basilisk just in case too. I had a good idea who I wanted to drop that problem on, I just needed a bit of snake skin first so they'd take my letter seriously...

I did not forget to do my Occlumency exercises that night.


	30. Spicy Vocabulary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Kasey was dropped into the Harry Potter world before the second Fantastic Beasts movie came out. I'm going to treat the second movie as if it was an in-universe unauthorized biography that got quite a few things wrong. That way I'm not tied to the weird inconsistencies of that movie. In general, I will treat all of the post-book information in that way. If it's interesting and doesn't contradict the books, then I might use it. Otherwise, I won't.

The summoning spell was turning out to be really difficult.

I glared at the pillow at the end of my bed that refused to come to me. The most I'd gotten out of it in the two hours I'd been trying was a sad little wiggle. I glared at my obstinate little pillow lump as if that would do anything. On impulse, I tried the spell silently. Nothing. Then on further crazy impulse, I sat my wand down and tried the spell wandlessly. I stared at the pillow and tried to summon it to myself with every ounce of my willpower. My muscles strained. My eyes watered from not blinking.

"Are you going to poo yourself? You look like you're going to poo yourself?" Susan asked unhelpfully.

I turned my glare in her direction. At the same time, my right calf muscle cramped badly.

"Ack," I cried out and straightened my leg on the bed. I rubbed my calf to get the cramp to go away and threw Susan another glare for good measure.

"You're just frustrating yourself. You should take a break," Hannah suggested while sitting at her vanity table. A bright red comb and a cordless black curling iron were hovering around her hair like horse flies. Suddenly, the comb dipped down into her hair and started to tease one of her curls. Hannah lightly batted it away with the back of her hand. "I told you, I don't WANT my hair teased!"

Her curling iron angrily snapped at the comb like a protective chihuahua.

Ugh, she's right. I need a break. I flopped back down on my side and regarded Hannah curiously. "Why does it keep trying to tease your hair?"

Hannah moved her head out of the way of the comb. "I borrowed it from mum. It still thinks we're in the mid-eighties. Stop it!" Hannah wagged her index finger at her comb. "No. Bad comb! Bad!" The comb dipped a little in the air. "Bad comb! Go lay down!"

The comb sadly floated down into an open vanity drawer and was still.

The curling iron seemed smug (or I was imagining things) as it started to curl Hannah's hair again.

"Why do you want to learn the spell anyways?" Susan asked me curiously.

"Because it's cool," I half lied. The spell was cool, but my true goal was to be able to summon a tiny bit of shed basilisk skin from the drain in the sink in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

The plan was learning the summoning spell, come up with a logical reason I could have discovered the basilisk existed, summon a little bit of basilisk skin through the drain, learn how to compose a letter that can't be traced back to me, send the letter with the tiny bit of skin to the world renowned creatures expert Newt Scamander, hope that the letter entices him here, and then let him and Dumbledore figure everything else out.

So yeah... It was a ridiculous plan that probably wasn't going to work.

Oddly enough, the biggest problem was the letter. I wasn't sure, even with a year of preparation, that I could come up with an untraceable letter. The idea was worth researching and wouldn't be a waste of time if I decided to not go through with it. The summoning spell was useful regardless so that wouldn't be a waste of time either. And if I could write a letter that couldn't be traced, I could send a letter to Dumbledore anonymously about the horcruxes if I decided to or if the shit hit the fan and I had to.

And as far as sending a letter to Newt Scamander instead of Dumbledore... I oddly thought he was trustworthy? Was the basilisk inherently evil? Was it just a morality-less creature? Or was it a creature that needed to be put down? I have no idea. Rather than operating on logic and ruthlessness and the greater good like Dumbledore, Newt Scamander seemed to base his decisions on kindness. And maybe I'm going too full-on Hufflepuff here, but I'd trust kindness any day over all of that other stuff.

And if his autobiography was true... at some point he had learned how to tell Dumbledore no.

I liked that.

There were a lot of "maybes" and "ifs", but I felt better doing something than nothing. And besides, the summoning spell was pretty cool. Some day, I'll be able to do it silently and wandlessly and like, recall my wand after someone disarmed me. And then I'll just smirk and raise one eyebrow at them. Like a badass.

I might have daydreamed about that scenario just a little bit.

I rolled over to my other side and watched Eloise. She was trying to apply some foundation on her skin in front of the full-length wall mirror in our room, but she wasn't blending it very well.

Oh crap!

I jumped out of bed and dashed to pick up my purse from where it was sitting on top of my school trunk.

"I am so sorry Eloise! I bought you something over the summer then forgot about it!" What a garbage friend I was. It was nearly the end of September. I stuck my hand in the my purse shoulder-deep and rooted around. Finally, my hands felt a crystal vial with ridges on the outside and I pulled it out.

The lavender crystal vial was just as pretty and elegant as the day I had bought it last summer.

"What's that?" Eloise asked curiously as I walked the vial over to her.

"It's a special magical cream that will prevent your acne from scarring you." I handed her the vial as her eyes got really wide. "It's from a fancy glamourer shop in Diagon Alley. It will only last until Christmas. It's not much more than a small sample, but Madam Mimsey said if you see her in person she could help get rid of your acne. She said-"

"Did you say Madam Mimsey?!" Hannah interrupted with a high pitched shriek.

I glanced over at her. "Uh, yeah. Is she famous or something?"

"Is she famous?!" Hannah sputtered and looked at me with eyes the size of dinner plates. "Is she famous?!" Hannah repeated incredulously sounding a little unhinged. "She's one of the most famous glamourers in the world. She's legendary! She's invented an anti-wrinkle cream that's permanent! PERMANENT! It's like the Philosopher's Stone of skin creams! It takes years to make an appointment! And you just walked in there?!"

I turned to Susan hoping for her to be a voice of reason, but she looked gobsmacked too. Thankfully, Eloise just looked confused.

I rolled my eyes. "She was very nice actually. A little intimidating, but in a super cool sort of way. Anyways..." I turned away and proceeded to ignore Hannah's theatrics. "Smooth a tiny drop of the cream into your face before you go to sleep. It will prevent future scarring and help heal some of the scarring you already have. If you want more, you have to go to the store with your dad. Here is the brochure with their prices." I dug out the brochure and handed it to her. "The acne treatment isn't that expensive. I got the impression she might treat you for free or at a sharp discount just to spite her sister."

"For free?!" Hannah cried out from behind me.

I whirled around. "Seriously Hannah. Chill. Do you need a calming drought to calm the hell down or what?"

Hannah stuck her tongue out at me. "It's a big deal! She's super expensive!"

Susan had finally gotten over her shock and was now looking at me with narrowed eyes. "Did you actually pay for that bottle?"

Eloise turned towards me in surprise.

"No I didn't. And-" I paused. Well, fuck it. Let's just get this all out in the open. "Yes. I'm filthy rich. I think it's really obvious by now. My family didn't start rich, but in the last few years their business has exploded and now we're rolling in a giant money bin like Scrooge McDuck. I try to keep it on the down low because I don't want to be a prick about it. I could have outright paid the fee, but I didn't." I stared Susan down and she was the first to turn away. "I went there to do some research for Eloise and got lucky that Madam Mimsey came across me and decided to see me on a whim. Then I got even more lucky when she ended up being Madam Pomfrey's sister."

That got a new round of open mouthed surprise from everyone.

I explained in detail what happened on my visit. To my satisfaction, Susan looked rather contrite.

"Basically, you have to convince your dad to take you. Hopefully, if he sees the difference the cream makes in your face he'll be swayed," I finished.

Eloise held the crystal vial like she was afraid she'd accidentally break it. Then to my utter horror, Eloise started to get teary-eyed.

"Whoa! Whoa! Don't cry okay? It's not a big deal!" I looked helplessly around.

Susan rolled her eyes and handed Eloise a handkerchief from the top of her desk.

Hannah stood up, walked over, and hugged Eloise. Her curling iron was still trying to curl her hair.

"Th-thank you!" Eloise said and then loudly blew her nose on Susan's handkerchief.

I felt my face reddening in embarrassment. I didn't think the gift would get this dramatic of a reaction. "It's no big deal. I just had some free time before I went and got my books."

Ugh, I'm babbling.

Eloise jumped up and hugged me. I awkwardly patted her on the back.

"Thank you! Thank you!" She squeezed me so tightly I thought I heard my bones creak.

I awkwardly patted her back again. "Uh, you're welcome."

I wasn't a big hugger.

Thankfully, after a few seconds she released me. Her eyes were still wet with tears. She then bounded over to Hannah's vanity table and opened the bottle. As soon as she uncorked it, the room smelled faintly of lavender.

I might as well go to the library and do some more research on the letter thing. I also want to check out a few more Enchanting books. I'd like to make a few defensive items this year. And I guess I'll do my Astronomy homework... if I feel like it. Ugh, stupid lame Astronomy homework.

"I'm going to head to the library before curfew," I said and grabbed my bag. Partly, because I needed to and partly to escape any further hugging.

I waved and left the room, hopefully at a normal not awkwardly fast pace.

* * *

I stared at the end of my wand and sighed. Or more accurately, I stared at the lack of anything at the end of my wand. The Spell Club members had agreed to practice the Patronus spell after each Spell Club for a half an hour. Four weeks with little progress was taking its toll on the group. Spell Club members who were willing to take the extra time after the meeting to practice the spell were hemorrhaging every week. Kevin, Anthony, and Daphne had already given up. Even Hermione was wavering somewhere between pride that she couldn't figure a spell and wondering if her time would be better spent elsewhere.

Hannah, Eloise, and Neville were determined to learn the spell with me since they had experienced dementors full-on. And then there was Oliver...

Oliver was doing really well, annoyingly so. He was the only person who'd managed to make any progress. Heck, he'd gotten a silver mist to come out of his wand on week two and could now consistently get to that stage. Oliver wasn't any better at magic than the rest of us, but his unique brand of inexplicable optimism must be a perfect match for this spell.

I glanced over at Oliver. It might have been my imagination, but I could swear I saw the shape of wings within the silvery mist.

All I'd gotten was one solitary silver spark. One.

I had the pronunciation correct. My wand movements were precise. I just couldn't keep a happy thought in my mind. If Peter Pan tried to take me to Neverland, I'd sink to the ground like a boulder. I feel like the memories I have chosen weren't happy enough either. I didn't have any of the obvious life milestones to pick from. I was never married, never had a kid, never had a lover tell me they loved me back... I'd graduated college, but it never felt that much of an accomplishment. I'd chosen a bachelors that I knew I could easily breeze through. There was never a doubt in my heart that I would graduate.

After that, there was a seemingly endless series of gray office cubicles one after another and video games after work. There had been a brief respite where I'd fallen in love, but that was tinged with so much sadness that I knew not to go anywhere near those memories. Besides, I'd been in love with the idea of who I had thought he was, not who the actual man turned out to be.

The best I could come up with was finding out I had magic, but that was still tinged with so many other things; the uncertainty of war, leaving my family and home dimensions behind... It wasn't enough. It wasn't pure enough.

It's like I needed to make better memories first.

I lowered my wand and turned towards Oliver. "What memory are you using?"

"That's a bit personal," Hermione interjected and frowned at me.

Oliver didn't seem to mind though. "Today, I'm remembering my big brothers wedding! He was super happy and his new wife is really pretty. It was a really fun day. I got to wear a suit and I looked really awesome."

He's using a memory where he's happy that someone else is happy? Good god, is his blood made of cinnamon rolls or something?

I turned toward Hermione and Neville. "What are you guys using?"

Neville shrugged. "I'm trying to remember the time I found out I wasn't a squib. I was also dropped out a window right before that though so I probably need to think up something else?"

Yeah, probably Nev...

Hermione looked uncomfortable, but spoke up anyways. "I was using the day my Hogwarts letter showed up. But maybe..." She scrunched up her eyebrows in thought. Then she took a deep breath and cast the spell again. A couple of silvery wisps came out of the tip of her wand.

"Oh wow! What did you use?" I asked.

Hermione blushed and looked away. "It's personal. I'd rather not say."

Huh, weird.

Eloise sighed. "I've tried birthday parties, holidays, Christmas, and I can't seem to keep the feeling in my head? Maybe if I tried at Christmas?"

"Dementors aren't going to attack you only at Christmas." I sat down on the ground and rested my chin on my knees.

"But if they do, I'll be ready to save Christmas!" Oliver shouted and put his hands up in fake triumph. The thought must have inspired him, because he cast the spell again and then to our astonishment a silvery hummingbird emerged from the end of his wand.

We stared in gobsmacked astonishment as the tiny silver hummingbird flitted about the room curiously.

"Did you..." I opened my mouth. Closed it. Cleared my throat, and then tried again. "Did you manage to cast a Patronus from only the thought that you could someday maybe be called upon to save Christmas?"

Oliver grinned. "Yep! Aw man, he's so cute!"

The hummingbird flew towards Oliver, excitedly flitted about his head briefly, and then faded out of existence.

"That's it. I'm done for the day!" I exclaimed and jumped to my feet.

I wish I wasn't too young to drink.

Hermione sighed. "Me too. My hand is starting to cramp."

Eloise picked up her bag and walked up to Oliver. "You did great Oliver! Hopefully, we'll make more progress next week."

"Don't be discouraged! You guys just have to be more optimistic," Oliver advised. And then the cheeky little bastard gave us a thumbs up.

God, what are his parents like? Should I hate them or pity them?

I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder. "No one can be as optimistic as you Oliver."

Eloise giggled. Hermione groaned out loud.

We gathered up our things and left the room as a group. Oliver waved goodbye and headed off to the Ravenclaw tower. I turned toward Eloise.

"You can go on without me. I'm going to swing by Professor Flitwick's office first," I announced and started off toward the direction of his office. Eloise waved goodbye and headed down the stairs. Hermione, however, quickly caught up to me.

"I'll go with you. I was meaning to ask him about doing some extra credit," Hermione exclaimed.

I raised an eyebrow. "Why do you need extra credit?"

Hermione blushed. "I missed a point on the exam the other day. I want to get the top score this year in Charms in our grade."

I couldn't hold back my grin. "Oho ho ho! Trying to beat my 110% from last year are you?"

Hermione stopped in her tracks and poked me hard in the chest. "I KNEW it was you!"

I rubbed my chest. Her bony little finger and stabbed my boob. Ow. "You're a hundred years too early to defeat me!"

Hermione continued to look at me accusingly.

"I'm not sorry I did well. I'm sure you did the best overall in our year. My astronomy and Flying grades tanked my average," I admitted and continued walking. Hermione followed me down the hall.

"What did you get in Astronomy? We studied that together!" Hermione exclaimed outraged and apparently taking my failure personally.

I reached into my bag and dug out last year's end of year report card.

Hermione snatched it from my hand and read it out loud. "It really does say 110% in Charms..." Hermione muttered and scanned the rest of the card. "A 92% in Herbology and a 90% in History of Magic? We can work on that. Hmm, a 100% in Defense? I only got a 95%." She paused and rolled her eyes. "Oh good grief. Is this 95% in Transfiguration because you still refuse to spell color with a 'u'?"

I scowled. "It's not just that! More and more words with different spellings keep sneaking up on me. She shouldn't be taking that much off for spelling anyways!"

"You passed Flying by one point? Wow. I suppose that can't be helped..." Ouch. She's right, but ouch. Hermione continued on. "An 85% isn't bad for Professor Snape, but both of us can do better. I only got a 90%," Hermione trailed off and looked embarrassed.

"I doubt he gave anyone a perfect grade. Heck, he wouldn't give a perfect grade even if the student came to their finals with the mythical Potion of Eternal Life. He'd claim we stole it," I half joked.

Actually, he'd probably kill us so Voldemort could never get a hold of it...

"70% in Astronomy?! How could you? We studied so hard. I'm so disappointed in you." Hermione looked up from the card and turned a betrayed look towards me.

Her look actually did make me feel a little bit bad. Is Hermione my Tiger Mom?

I shrugged. "I'm just not that interested. It's kind of neat to be able to look at planets and other stuff with our ridiculously powerful telescopes, but most of the information we're learning to find out can just be referenced in a book. There's no point in it and it takes time away from things I do want to learn."

"It must be useful or they wouldn't be teaching it to us in the first place," Hermione argued.

I laughed. "Oh come on. This class is mandatory because of tradition and no other reason. It should be an elective. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if they added it to fill out the class roster time. It's the equivalent of back in Muggle school when you'd have to glue toilet paper rolls or popsicle sticks together for some lame project. It's practically busy work if you're not going to be an astronomer when you grow up."

Hermione opened her mouth to retort, and then stopped abruptly when she noticed that we had arrived at Flitwick's office.

"Excuse me, Professor. May we come in?" I asked quickly, hoping to head off any more arguing from Hermione.

"Come in. I still have fifteen minutes left for my office hours," Flitwick called from the other side of the heavy wooden door.

I pushed the door open slowly and walked in. Hermione followed behind me.

Flitwick's office reminded me of a bookstore that had been hit by a tornado. Every book on the bookshelf seemed to be crooked slightly. Stacks of books lined the floor. Paper lay on top of the book stacks, was stuck between the books, and a few fluttered about the room like confused pigeons.

Flitwick's desk was on stilts at the moment so he was able to look us both in the eyes. "Why if it isn't two of my best students. How can I help you?"

Hermione visibly puffed up from the praise. She looked towards me and I indicated she go ahead first.

While Hermione begged for extra credit, I perused Flitwick's bookshelf. While there were a lot of books about charms, quite a few of the books had nothing to do with charms at all. He seemed to be a very eclectic reader. I saw books from history, Transfiguration, cooking, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Alchemy, and Enchanting books. My fingers itched to open the Enchanting books and shift through them. Flitwick even had some Muggle books. He had a disturbingly large Daniel Steele collection.

Eventually, Hermione seemed to wring as much extra credit as she was going to get from the man and it was my turn to talk.

Flitwick smiled a bit tensely. Hermione could be a tense negotiator when it came to grades. "And what do you need Miss Thompson?"

I grinned evilly. "I'd like some extra credit that's worth one more point than whatever you just assigned Hermione."

Hermione gasped in shock. Flitwick started laughing.

Hermione glared at me. "That's not funny!"

I stuck my tongue out at Hermione and then turned back to Flitwick. "Actually, I wanted advice. I'm trying to learn the summoning charm and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong."

Hermione gasped. "That's worse! That's years beyond our level!"

I turned my back and started to ignore Hermione.

"Don't ignore me!"

I proceeded to do just that.

Flitwick laughed again, but it seemed like he was at least trying to hold it back this time.

"Seriously though, can I attempt to cast it while you're watching and you can tell me if there's something off about my pronunciation or wand movements that I'm not noticing?" I asked and pulled my wand out from my bag.

Flitwick nodded. "Of course."

I took a deep breath, brought my wand up, did the wand motions and said, "Accio!"

The book lying three feet from me didn't even wiggle.

I dropped my wand.

Flitwick regarded me curiously. "You're doing the wand movement correctly and there's nothing wrong with your pronunciation. Are you picturing the object in your head?"

"I think so?"

Flitwick was silent for a few moments in thought and then began again. "I think you're putting too much 'oomph' into the spell."

I raised an eyebrow. "Oomph?"

"Mana, focus, will, there are several terms used in the academic world. It pertains to how much magic you've put into the spell. In other words, you're trying too hard. We haven't really went over this yet in class, but spells are taught in order of how much 'oomph' you need to put into them. With some exceptions, the more complex the spell, the less it needs. Younger witches and wizards are throwing their oomph everywhere and it's leaking out. That's one of the reasons accidental magic happens. It's also why we wait until eleven years old to teach magic. Intentionally trying to narrow your magic is thought to be harmful while one is still growing." Flitwick shrugged. "I think that theory needs to be tested much more before it's considered fact, but that's neither here nor there."

Huh, I wonder if that's one reason obscurials happen?

"So I need to... try less hard?" I asked uncertainly. That seemed easier said then done.

"Yes. Not the answer you were hoping to hear I'm sure," Flitwick admitted kindly.

A few things clicked together in my mind. "Is that why wandless magic is so much harder? You have to learn to narrow how much 'oomph' you put into a spell without a wand to help you focus it?"

Flitwick beamed. "Exactly! Five points to Hufflepuff!"

Hermione made an angry cat sound behind me.

"And five points to Gryffindor for seeking out some extra credit... Actually, cancel that previous extra credit. It's much too easy for you really. How about you learn the summoning charm too?" Flitwick smirked.

The angry cat sounds behind me intensified.

"Wonderful. You can work together. Is there anything else you need?" Flitwick asked. I could swear he looked a little calculating. I wonder how often Hermione goes around bothering her professors for extra credit?

"No, that's it. Thank you for your time. Have a good day, sir," I replied and turned to leave.

When I turned to leave I heard Flitwick sigh audibly and what I felt to be a tad melodramatically. I paused and turned around. I saw him peek at me and then he sighed forlornly again. It was beyond obvious that he wanted me to ask him how he was doing. I was tempted to just let him continue to sigh, but he'd given me some good advice so I might as well play along.

"Is something bothering you professor?" I asked politely.

He sighed heavily and dramatically again. In another life, he might have been a theater actor. "There is a new first year girl in my house who has had a terrible time making friends."

And why are you telling a couple of kids then? What's his angle?

"Is she being bullied?" Hermione asked concerned.

Flitwick nodded. "I've done my best to curb the bullying, but I can't be everywhere at once. Also, I know from first hand experience that interference from Professors can sometimes make the bullies worse."

A short mixed breed smart kid? Yeah, he would have had a hard time at school.

"What is she being bullied about?" I asked. I was curious about how much he knew about Luna's situation.

Hermione frowned. "Does it matter? Bullies don't need a reason."

"Indeed. They don't always need a reason. Miss Lovegood is certainly unique. Her father owns the Quibbler an... adventurous magazine that believes in some fringe theories most of which I don't personally believe in. However, what's the harm in investigating a theory as long as you're willing to accept the evidence you've found? History shows that we're bound to be horribly wrong about some things we're now sure of. Books are just as fallible as the people who wrote them." Flitwick cleared his throat and laughed. "But I digress. I can be a bit windy sometimes!"

I glanced over at Hermione. Her eyes were wide and she looked like she was absorbing this wholeheartedly like a sponge.

"Will she be okay?" Hermione asked concerned.

Flitwick sighed and it sounded a bit melodramatic again. "If only she could find a hobby or club. Maybe she could make some friends," Flitwick lamented. He put a heavy emphasis on the word "club".

So that's your angle. I was planning to do that anyway, but I feel kind of unsettled that the Professors know about the Spell Club. Not that we have been keeping it a secret or anything but... eh. I suppose if they haven't forbid us from it they must not mind?

Hermione turned toward me so fast her curly hair bounced. "Kasey, we should invite her to the Spell Club! We could use another member right?"

I shrugged and acted nonchalant as if this wasn't life throwing me a gigantic bone. "Sure. Why not?"

Flitwick clapped his hands together. "Excellent. I hope everything works out. What a wonderful idea you both have had." Flitwick beamed at us. Hermione beamed at him. I tried to make expression say 'I know what you did old man and I'm only going along with it because I was going to anyways'.

Okay, my expression probably wasn't that uh "expressive" but I did my best.

* * *

After we said our goodbyes to Flitwick and closed the door behind us, Hermione immediately swung towards me.

"So how do you think we can track her down? Do we just go to the common room and ask? Or maybe get Oliver and Anthony to help us find her?"

I could look at the Marauder's Map if Hermione wasn't here. I'd tried looking Luna up on the map a few times already, but I was having a hard time catching her when she wasn't on her way to class or in the dorms. She seemed to skip meals a bunch too. Admittedly, I've been distracted with my own side projects. I haven't been trying to track her down very hard lately.

"Right now?" I asked surprised. Hermione seemed really gungho about this.

"It's terrible to be all alone at Hogwarts being bullied with no friends. Why should we wait? It will give her something to look forward to!" Hermione marched off towards the Ravenclaw dorms without waiting for my reply.

I jogged to catch up to her.

If I remember correctly, Luna's ah "creative" relationship with facts always rubbed Hermione the wrong way in the books. I always felt like they wouldn't have had anything to do with each other without the glue that was Harry keeping them together. In this world, I was all out of Harry glue and Hermione was just primed to insult the Quibbler. She was honestly, enthusiasm aside, the worse person to come with me to do this.

"So... I've read the Quibbler before. It's ah..." I trailed off. How do I say this nicely? "It's... creative with the truth. Not in a malicious way. It just seems to be very willing to believe in things without a whole lot of evidence. I think Luna's dad might write the whole thing by himself so she was raised that way. Remember, even if it might be far-fetched it's still something her dad does for a living."

"I'm not completely without tact, Kasey," Hermione huffed, clearly annoyed with me again. She was going to have frown lines by the time she was fourteen if she kept scowling that hardcore.

"Oookay," I replied unconvinced.

"I can be very tactful!" Hermione insisted. Her eyes lit up for a moment. "Oh! I could teach her about the scientific method! There's nothing wrong with trying to discover new things as long as you're methodical about it. Besides, sometimes you have to pretend that people's silly stuff isn't silly."

"The person who said that must have been very wise," I said and tried to nod sagely.

"A stopped clock is right twice a day," Hermione retorted.

I giggled. Hermione could be a lot of fun when you got her riled up. "I seem to remember I called it "stupid shit" though."

Hermione winkled her nose. "Do you really have to curse?"

"Curse words are the spicy vocabulary of life," I quipped.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

I stopped. We had arrived at the door to the Ravenclaw common room. The door was a massive slab of ancient looking wood with no doorknob or keyhole. Instead, the only embellishment was a bronze knocker in the shape of an eagle.

It's really weird that Ravenclaw's mascot isn't a raven. I wonder if Roweena Ravenclaw did that just to be contrary?

As we watched, the knocker stirred to life and turned its bronze head towards us.

"You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I'm quick when I'm thin and slow when I'm fat. What am I?" The bronze knocker asked us in an eerie echoing voice.

Hermione looked at me and I almost laughed. As if I'd ever know the answer to a riddle that wasn't asked by Smeagle in The Hobbit. God, I hate riddles. I'm so glad I didn't end up in Ravenclaw. I peered at the door hinges. In an emergency, I bet I could just take the door off its hinges instead.

Hermione perked up suddenly. "Oh! It's a candle!"

"Correct," the voice intoned. The door swung open.

We both peered in. The Ravenclaw dormitory was a round airy looking room with tons of stuffed bookshelves and blue couches embellished with eagle motifs. We looked around, but didn't step in. A few people were beginning to stare. Anthony Goldstein was at the back of the room and currently trying to sneak away before I noticed he was there.

"Oi! Anthony! Come here for a second! I know you saw us!" I called out.

Anthony slumped defeated, and then shuffled over to us. Everyone in the room was staring now.

"What do you want? You're not allowed in you know." He dropped his voice to a whisper. "Did Oliver promise you a spot in his game? We have to actually sneak non-Ravenclaws in you know. You can't come in through the dorm's front door."

"We're not in the dorm. We're in the doorway to the dorms," I corrected him.

Anthony sighed. "Just spit out what you want. Everyone is staring."

"Can you see if a first year girl named Luna Lovegood is here? We want to ask her if she wants to join the Spell Club," Hermione explained.

Anthony looked incredulously at us. "Luna Lovegood? The weird girl who was going around sniffing the common room furniture yesterday?"

Hermione looked taken aback. "Uh, yes? I assume there's only one girl with the same name in the year?"

Anthony looked uncertain.

"Please? It would really help us out," Hermione begged.

And then Anthony blushed just a little bit and glanced away for a second. "I guess I can look for her real quick. Just this once okay? I'll be right back."

Anthony walked away quickly and disappeared into a side room.

I smiled at Hermione like a cat who ate a canary.

"What's that expression for?" Hermione asked confused.

"Nothing," I replied in a sing-song voice and rocked on my heels a couple of times. I filed away the information that Anthony might have a crush on Hermione to be used as possible teasing fodder later.

Less than a minute later, Anthony came back in to the common room. A small girl with long blonde hair down to her waist and large blue eyes that were almost too big for her face trailed behind him. She wore a purple and black t-shirt, muggle jeans, and bright green sneakers with dinosaurs on them. Her expression was weirdly neutral. She reminded me a bit of Daphne.

Hermione smiled awkwardly. "Hello, I'm Hermione Granger and this is Kasey Thompson. We're part of a club called Spell Club. In the club, we take turns learning new spells during our meetings once a week. We were wondering if you wanted to join us?"

Hermione held out her hand for a handshake.

Luna regarded the hand curiously and then tilted her head like a confused bird. "Why?"

Hermione's smile faltered. "Um, why what?" She still had her hand out awkwardly.

"Are you trying to trick me into going somewhere deserted so you can pull a prank on me?" Luna asked matter-of-factly without a hint of aggression. It was like it was just a statement of fact. While her expression was bland, her body language seemed a bit tense like a bird on a wire ready to fly away at a moment's notice.

Hermione dropped her hand. "What? No! We would never!"

"We've got plenty of people in our own dorm to torment if we want. We don't need to outsource it," I argued.

Hermione scowled at me. "That's not a very convincing argument." She turned back towards Luna. "Listen I..." She faltered for a moment and then stood up straighter. "I know what its like to not have friends. I know what its like to be bullied because I'm different. I thought if I could save someone else from weeks of lonely misery then... why not? And I can always use another friend." Hermione visibly gulped and then stubbornly put her hand out again. "I suppose what I'm really asking is... would you like to join the Spell Club and be our friend?"

Something soft and warm settled in my chest.

"I think you'd fit right in. It's a lot of fun to learn new spells too," I added and held out my hand too.

Luna stared at both of us intensely for long enough it became awkward, hesitated for a moment, and then reached out and shook both our hands at the same time. Her hand shake was soft and rubbery.

"Okay. I'll join. The bumblesports did smell like good fortune yesterday..." Luna trailed off.

Hermione looked confused for a moment and then smiled as bright as the sun. "Uh did they? Um, let me write down the time and location of the club meeting for you."

I glanced at Luna's shirt while Hermione scribbled on a piece of Muggle notebook paper. It was purple and black and had a group of pirates in some kind of rock band? The four man group had a guitar, vocalist, drummer, and a keytar player. The title "Siren's Song" was written across the top.

I pointed towards Luna's shirt. "What's Siren's Song?

"Oh, it's my favorite band. They're a ghost pirate band."

Everything within me; mind, body and soul grounded to a halt.

"Whaaaaat?" I gasped.

"They're ghost pirates who play in a rock band. It's a bit out of fashion but I still like them," Luna shrugged.

OH. MY. GOD.

"What?!"

Hermione paused scribbling on her paper and looked at me. "Are you okay?"

"THERE'S. A. GHOST. PIRATE. BAND?!"

Luna nodded. "My mum had all of their records even the one you're supposed to listen to while underwater. They haven't released anything in awhile though."

"How do I get one of their albums?! No fuck that, I don't even care if they're good!"

"Language!" Hermione hissed and gave the piece of paper to Luna.

I whirled towards Hermione. "It's just spicy vocabulary!" I whirled back towards Luna. "How do I get a t-shirt? Do they have a fan club? And if so, how do I join?! Oh my god are they playing guitar on a pirate ship? How did they get the electric guitars when they weren't invented yet in pirate times? For that matter, how do they get the electric for the guitars?!"

I must know everything!

"Oh, they change with the times somehow. They'll disappear for a few years and have a different style of music when they reappear. It's too bad they only started releasing records after their 'Big Band' phase. I would have liked listening to their swing band phase. I'm not sure how they get their new instruments when they reinvent themselves. How do instruments become ghosts? Some fans think they might be poltergeists instead since they change so much. I'm not sure myself. Mum used to think they were some kind of third new entity. They're a bit behind the times at the moment. They're still a glam rock band," Luna explained.

"THEY'RE A GLAM ROCK PIRATE GHOST BAND?!" I put my hands on Luna's shoulder's and nearly hyperventilated. "How can we convince them to NEVER EVER change from that?!"

A pirate glam rock band was too wondrous to exist. Too amazing. Too awesome. Do they have Ghost Pirate Power ballads? Please God, let there be Ghost Pirate Power Ballads.

Most of the common room had started to stare at the commotion I had started. Anthony had already disappeared into the crowd like a freaking ninja.

Hermione removed my hands from Luna's shoulder.

Hermione was beet red. "Don't accost her. Wonderful, now everyone is staring. We'll see you next Saturday, okay? She's usually not this embarrassing..."

Hermione grabbed the hood of my hoodie and violently yanked me away from the door frame.

"Bring a record to Spell Club next week okay?!" I called out as Hermione dragged me away.

The last thing I saw as Hermione dragged me around away was that a small smile appeared on Luna's face.


	31. Ghost Party Crashers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: I don't really have a good excuse why this took me so long. I used to write at work and I've been working from home. There are a lot of distractions at home.

**CHAPTER THIRTY ONE  
GHOST PARTY CRASHERS**

A red light came out the tip of my wand. I used the light like a Muggle highlighter and carefully traced the text I wanted to remove. Once I was done, the sentence glowed a faint red.

“Exemplum Illud,” I cast and a translucent copy of the text floated off of the page and attached itself to the end of my wand. I carefully moved my hand to the other sheet of blank paper on my desk and pointed my wand near where I wanted the text to go. I made sure to focus on the small space between the sentences. “Pono Illud.”

The text jumped from the end of my wand and wiggled onto the page. The rest of the text shuffled to make room for the new sentence.

“Make sure you have room for the new text on your parchment otherwise the text will move off the paper onto your desk,” Hermione explained.

I looked up from my borrowed school desk. Hermione had procured several unused school desks for the Spell Club meeting. Honestly, I was impressed. She had found a way to get us to revise homework during our Spell Club meeting. She also looked like an actual professor teaching in front of a class with all of us sitting at school desks. I think she was getting some kind of dorky high from it.

“Can this put text on things other than paper?” I asked curiously.

“Yes. However, it's limited to the medium you wrote with. For instance, a pencil will transplant the graphite, and a quill would transfer the ink,” Hermione explained and then narrowed her eyes. “Don't use it to write on people.”

“Too late!” Oliver called out from the back of the fake class.

Anthony (who had been sitting in front of Oliver) instinctively checked his back.

“Do you know the Auferat Illud spell too? Father uses it when he edits the Quibbler,” Luna asked curiously from her desk at the front of the room.

Last week, I'd asked if she could join and we voted her in after she promised Anthony that she wouldn't go around sniffing people. I guess there had been a Ravenclaw common room incident involving her going around sniffing people? She seems to be getting along with everyone so far.

Hermione walked over to Luna. “No, what does it do? The only other editing spell I know is Extermina Illud that erases text. I thought three spells might be a bit too much for one class.”

“It removes text and lets you place it somewhere else. It's very useful when laying out a magazine. It works the same way as the copy spell and it even has the same wand movements,” Luna explained.

What? Do my ears deceive me? Am I going to learn cut, copy, and paste today? The holy trifecta? The Microsoft Word gods have smiled upon me across the gap between dimensions.

Hermione's eyes lit up. “Oh, that's brilliant! Thank you Luna!”

Luna smiled shyly back.

Unfortunately, most published books had built in counter spells so they couldn't be copied this way wholesale. They needed to figure out how to allow people to copy chunks without copying the whole thing. That would have made doing homework research so easy. Apparently, attempts to tamper with the copying counter spells can make the book you're messing with burst into flames. Madam Pince would frown on that I bet. I wonder if the counter measures would notice if you photocopied it at a Muggle library...

We practiced the spell for a several more minutes until the conversation came around to my brand spanking new Siren's Song t-shirt. It was neon green and purple and I had even artfully ripped the sleeves. I won't say I was the coolest person in the school, but I was definitely the coolest person in the room.

It unsurprisingly took about three sentences of explanation for Oliver to jump onboard the glam rock sea shanty party boat with me.

“I'm in.” Oliver nodded decisively. “Is there a fan club? Where can I get a t-shirt?” Oliver's eyes seemed to sparkle for a moment. “Do you want to get tattoos?”

Hannah dragged her school desk over and plopped down next to us. “Ugh, do you realize this band is for old people? My mom likes this band. She's got a tattoo of their logo.”

I rolled my eyes. “Stop bragging about how cool your mom is.”

Neville nodded in agreement with Hannah. “She's right though, my gram likes them too. Although, she likes the one with the full orchestra.”

“My dad likes them as well and he’s the biggest dork on the planet.” Anthony made a face that might have been pity. “They're very uncool.”

Hermione gave up all pretense of working on the spell and walked over to us. I guess we're basically done with the club meeting for the day.

“Are they even real? They don't make any sense. Ghosts can't change their appearance. They're stuck in whatever form they died in. And they can't play real instruments either because they can’t touch anything. At most, ghosts can affect the passage of water and even then minutely,” Hermione lectured.

I guess she doesn’t want to give up Professor-mode quite yet.

Luna shrugged. “That's what makes them interesting to me. No one knows.”

“I think they're poltergeists,” I declared. I’d given this a lot of thought. Probably too much thought.

Hermione frowned. “But poltergeists are invisible?”

“Peeves isn't. Peeves is like... the spirit of childhood mischief made manifest right? So what if they're the spirit of like awesome musical bands made manifest? And they're pirates because it all started with catchy pirate shanties?” I theorized.

“OooOOoooh,” Oliver echoed sounding a bit like a ghost himself.

Peeves has always weirded me out. He's this unique seemingly sentient creature; a spirit who had never been alive. Shouldn't he be studied? He's really freaking weird right? In fact, let’s just shove him into the Department of Mysteries so he can’t drop dung bombs in the hallways anymore.

Hermione's left eye twitched. “That's an... interesting theory. I suppose it could be worth testing someday.”

If you think it’s a shit theory, then you can just say so Hermione.

“It's not that implausible. Dementors seem to be the manifestation of negative emotions like grief and fear,” I elaborated.

Hermione crossed her arms. “That's a fringe theory.”

Dementors first appeared in an evil wizard's invisible torture castle where he did horrible things to people for decades. The torture castle later became Azkaban prison. It seems logical to me considering the history. The negative emotions in that horrible place smooshed together and became something else. Although, I can't remember if the torture prison history is common knowledge or something I've gleaned from my world.

Heck, maybe ghosts aren’t souls anymore either, but just strong impressions left at the moment of someone’s death. Do Dementors eat ghosts? Has anyone ever checked?

Luna tilted her head like a curious bird. “Or it might be a giant illusion. No one's managed to jump on stage. Someone tried at their last concert at Black Bird cove, but they were pushed back by a wall of water.”

“We should go see them someday and test it,” Oliver suggested excitedly.

“Yeah, I like that idea. It's something fun we could do together after we've left school,” I added in feeling a little melancholy. Assuming all of that Voldemort business gets solved, what will life be like after school is over? I hope it's not lonely. Maybe one of my friends would want to travel the world with me?

“They're going to be in Wales next summer,” Luna informed us.

Oliver dramatically gasped.

Hermione raised an eyebrow. “How do you know?”

“They have a set schedule. There are twelve coves around the world that they always go to in order. Wales is next on the list,” Luna explained.

“WE HAVE TO GO!” Oliver practically yelled in his excitement.

“Yeah!” I pumped my fist dramatically in the air.

“It would be fun to meet up with everyone over the summer,” Neville admitted with a smile.

“I'll go if everyone else is going,” Kevin said.

Hermione's face fell. “Is it something my Muggle parents could get to?”

“The girls could have a sleepover at my house the night before?” Luna suggested with wide hopeful blue eyes.

“Oh! A sleepover?” Hermione asked looking startled.

Luna looked unsure. “It's okay if you don't want to. No one has ever said yes before.”

Hermione blushed. “I wasn't saying no! Of course I want to go! I just... have never been to a sleepover either. We could play trivia games? Or I could bring study flash cards we could go over the night before? That would be fun.”

“Oh no honey.” I patted Hermione's arm. “Just... no.”

Hermione frowned at me.

“Kevin's dad will bring us!” Oliver suggested.

Anthony chucked a wadded up piece of paper at Oliver's head. “Don't volunteer other people's parents!”

“I met Kevin's dad when I got school supplies this year. He's WAY cooler than your dad,” Oliver declared with zero shame.

Anthony threw another paper wad at Oliver.

“My dad won't mind,” Kevin added in smiling.

“Would other ghosts know if the band is made up of ghosts or not?” I wondered out loud.

“Some ghosts like to visit each other so maybe?” Anthony paused in his paper wad war. “My great great grandfather Yehuda Goldstein does anyways. He's our family ghost.”

“Oh!” Neville perked up. “We could go to Nearly Headless Nick's Death Day Party next week on Halloween. That's bound to be full of all sorts of ghosts. We could ask around about the band.”

“Miss the feast?” Anthony scrunched up his nose.

“We can be ghost party crashers,” I declared trying to psyche myself up for missing a bunch of food.

“He's really nice, I'm sure he'd let you come if you--”

Oliver interrupted Neville mid speech. “Ugh, don't make this lame Nev! It's much cooler if we're crashing the party.”

I nodded in agreement.

Neville looked unsure, but then shrugged.

“I think you've got some kind of skewed perception of ghosts from Muggle media. They're boring. Grandfather just repeats himself all the time. He constantly complains about my hair over and over.”

Oliver threw a paper wad at Anthony's head. “You know you're going to decide to come eventually.”

Anthony threw the paper wad back at Oliver.

We settled on a meetup time before the party and then everyone started to gather their stuff up. Except for Oliver and Anthony who were flinging paper wads at each other with magic.

Oh wait! I nearly forgot!

I cleared my throat. Everyone looked up.

“I almost forgot. We voted in Luna last week, but I didn't ask if anyone else wanted to bring a new person in?” I looked around.

Neville stood up, dodged the now full on paper wad war between Oliver and Anthony, and raised his hand. “I'd like to ask Harry and Ron if they want to join.”

“No!” Hermione and Kevin said together. Hermione I expected, but quiet Kevin was a surprise.

“Why not?” I asked Kevin curiously.

“That stuck up little twat caused us to lose the House Cup last year,” Kevin explained and looked like he'd swallowed something sour. “He got points for things the rest of us would have gotten expelled for. He seems really full of himself.”

Neville frowned. “He's not like that.”

“Eh, I have to agree with Kevin. They both seem like pricks. I got caught in one of their pranks last year. The bespelled paint balloon ruined my Charms homework. I had to redo the whole thing and it was a pain in the arse. They're nearly as annoying as fourth year red headed twins,” Anthony added in pausing in his paper wad war.

“Fred and George are Ron's brothers,” Hermione explained.

Kevin wrinkled his nose. “Figures. Their mum must buy howlers in bulk.”

“I wouldn't care if they were just pranking the professors, but leave us regular students out of it,” Anthony said.

“They pranked the Slytherin common room. It scared my turtle,” Daphne spoke up unexpectedly.

“If Harry and Ron join, I'm out,” Kevin stated with finality.

“Well then.” I looked around the room. The only person who seemed to be pro-Harry and Ron seemed be Neville. The rest looked ambivalent at best. Hannah's crush must have evaporated completely when we lost the House Cup. “Then Harry and Ron won't be joining.”

Kevin nodded with satisfaction as Neville wilted a little. The rest of our group finished gathering up our things including Oliver and Anthony's small mountain of wadded up paper.

I wonder if Harry and Ron know about the negative reputation they're getting?

* * *

You could be really brazen about not taking notes in History of Magic class. And by really brazen I mean ignore the professor completely and have books that aren't even tangentially related to class laid out in front of you. Professor Binns hasn't even glanced in my direction or even paused in his lecture. Before my time at Hogwarts is over, I'm going to have to try just walking out and see if he has any kind of reaction at all. I think I could get away with it.

Eloise was openly taking a nap beside me. The puddle of drool leaking from her mouth was getting kind of close to me actually... I scooted my chair, notebook, and enchanting books further away from her.

“The last full Goblin Rebellion occurred in May 1940 which was exacerbated by the troubles the Muggles were having at the same time. This particular rebellion mostly concerned import and export taxes of Goblin made goods but also extradition rights between...” Professor Binns droned on and on...

My next step in the 'deck myself out in protective enchanted objects like it was Defense Against the Dark Arts prom' was to make myself a couple of rings. Metal made the best long lasting enchantments. The best metal was Orichalcum, but unfortunately Orichalcum could only be mined in the Goblin Underground and the goblins went to extreme measures to keep any raw ore or un-smelted bars from getting out. You could un-enchant an already enchanted Orichalcum object and smelt it down, but since Goblins consider anything they made as always their property and only on loan you'd be in some deep shit if they found out.

“As you know, goblin social hierarchy and common standards are quite different from normal Wizarding views of ownership and law. The Concord of 1940 attempted to rectify this with...” Professor Binns droned.

Gold and silver were the next tier. Even if I hadn't had a ridiculous amount of money, gold and silver rings were really cheap in wizarding catalogs. One high-end wizard jewelry store had non-tarnishing silver. I might go with that since I like the look of silver better than gold. I'd have to send an owl and ask if the silver content was still high. I suppose I could get something pure silver, but then I'd have to waste an enchantment on keeping it from being delicate.

Technically, I could put as many enchantments on the ring as I could fit on it. However, the more enchantments you shove into an object the weaker and less stable those enchantments come. Seven is the max you can have without a steep decline in effectiveness and three is the most stable. Three and seven are super special numbers in Arithmancy for some reason. I'd gotten that much out of the super confusing Arithmancy textbooks I’d tried to read.

So six enchantments and two rings... One ring I think I'll dedicate to protection from the elements. The Flamma Glacias spell is a non brainer inclusion. I keep getting set on fire for some reason. Next, I'll need to find a good ice/cold protection spell. And the third... could be.... lightning protection?

I started making a list.

“The largest point of contention of the 1944 Accords was the resolution of the Goblin Blood Feuds. Goblin Blood Feuds for those that are unaware, is the rare occurrence where the Goblin Council declares that the entire Goblin Nation will declare vengeance upon a single person and five generations of their family. This was considered the goblin’s highest form of punishment for their enemies. Victims of a Blood Feud would be ruthlessly hunted down even if it took decades. There was no time limit on a Blood Feud. The 1944 Accords attempted to...”

Or would acid make more sense? Do wizards get electrocuted more or melted?

And the second ring should have protection from falling, suffocation, and sharp objects? Or should I make it “anti-bleeding to death” protection because spells could make you bleed without cutting you? And is claw damage the same as knife damage to a spell?

I started to make a list of “ways I could be killed” as well and tried to rank them under likelihood and then sketched a few of the likely runes I'd need.

Oh! And something to keep myself from being disarmed... maybe that needs to be a separate ring? Would I look weird wearing three rings at once? I do know that if I'm wearing one on every finger, then I'm going to look super suspicious.

I started to make a list of pros and cons of various enchantments.

“While the Accords of 1944 were successful at creating a compact between goblin and wizard to halt any future Blood Feuds, the following outstanding Blood Feuds were still in effect: Gregory Smithson, Nassau Henderson, Nikita Mears, Vopni Reysson, Shkut Isaak Grigorievich, and Alice Viatorium--”

My pen skidded to the edge of my paper.

“There were many methods for execution used in a blood feud such as beheading...”

Five generations definitely counted a great granddaughter.

“Dismemberment, vivisection...”

I felt my stomach clench into a knot.

“Bloodletting which was considered the 'most humane'...”

But it didn't matter because she definitely wasn't my grandmother...

“Flaying alive...”

I felt a bead of sweat run down my shoulder blades.

“Eaten alive by piranhas...”

That's unnecessarily creative!

“Defenestration...”

I don't even know what that means!

“And what the goblins referred to as 'to the pain'. To the pain, per the following quote from a man who did not survive it, is as follows...”

I listened in horror to the unnecessarily graphic and weirdly reminiscent of Princess Bride description of one poor's man's ten year long slow and agonizing death as told by his ghost.

“All of which are now considered to be deceased, although no body of Alice Viatorium was ever found. The Accords of 1946 focused solely on tariffs of--”

Don't just stop there! What the hell!

“During the Accords, the talks broke down when Muggles released bombs overhead of the meeting chamber. The goblins present blamed the wizards who were of course, blameless. The next set of Accords in October of 1945 were more successful and were led by...”

But of course, he DID stop there.

Well... SHIT.

It's fine. I'm not related to her so no big deal? Sure, that crazy elf thought I was, but he definitely had a few screws loose.

Can the goblins tell if you're related to a Goblin Feud person?

I'd have to go to the library after class to see if I could find out any more information about this just in case. Not because I thought Shivy's mad ranting had any validity. Because it didn't. Definitely...

I added to my list of protections, 'Protection from Goblins'.

* * *

I leaned against the cool stone wall and glanced out the window. The sky outside was a dark midnight blue and rain was coming down in sheets. I could vaguely see in the distance the tops of the trees swaying back and forth in the wind. The weather had been cruddy the past week. Going to Herbology had felt like getting dunked into a pool even with my umbrella spell.

There was a spat of flu going around as well. While a Pepper-Up potion worked wonders, it still took a few hours to work. Eloise was currently lying in bed in our dorm room with steam rising from her hair looking as if her head was on fire. Hannah stayed behind too claiming she had to “watch over her” but she clearly wanted an excuse to get out of the ghost party. I have no idea where everyone else is. We were supposed to meet ten minutes ago. I'm starting to think I've been stood up by literally everyone.

The library didn't have anything else about Goblin Feuds. It seems that Professor Binns was reading word for word a passage from a book called “The Last Goblin Rebellion” by Professor Jig. There was literally no additional information. The only reason we know anything concrete is that the goblins made a helpful list of the ways they'd kill you if you stole from them and the occasional ghost retelling the story of their gruesome death.

As a way to kill time, I pulled off my hair scrunchie and sat it on the window sill.

I might as well get in some summoning practice while I wait. Okay so... I need to not try so hard. I have to pretend like I don't care that much if the scrunchie flies to my hand. I've got to be tsundere towards the scrunchie.

I don't really care if you come to me or not sempai. It doesn't matter to me.

“Accio scrunchie!” I called out.

The scrunchie wiggled a little bit.

My shoulders slumped.

I didn't really want you anyway, scrunchie baka.

I tried a few more times to get the spell to work to no avail. Just as I was about to give up and go to the party by myself, Neville and Hermione came briskly down the stairs.

“I'm so sorry we're late,” Hermione said breathlessly once she reached the bottom. “There was this feather and tar incident in the common room and we had to get cleaned up.”

Tar and feathering huh... I wonder if that was Fred and George or Harry and Ron. Maybe the two groups were competing against each other. I'm glad they're not making messes in my common room.

Neville followed closely behind her. He waved and held his side as he tried to catch his breath. After a few deep breathes he looked around curiously. “Are we the only ones that showed up?”

“Nope!” Oliver answered him as he came bounding down the opposite staircase taking two steps at a time. Luna followed him at a more sedate pace.

“Oliver was trying to drag Anthony here,” Luna explained serenely.

“Anthony was being laaaame,” Oliver drawled out his Irish accent a little thicker than normal. “He said he'd rather go to the feast. I think he's all spoiled on ghosts because of his ghost granddad.”

“Eloise doesn't feel well and Hannah is being lame too.” I pushed myself away from the wall. “Ready to go in?”

We descended the stairs as a group. We walked passed the Slytherin common room entrance, past the Potions classroom, and even past the kitchen entrance. Long black candles with eerie blue flames lined the hallways casting ghastly shadows.

It got colder as we walked. The chill sunk into my bones and I could see my breath. I'm glad I wore my hoodie.

We came to two large wooden double doors draped with black velvet. Screechy wobbly music emanated from the wide open doors. Our group looked at each other, shrugged, and strode in.

Floating chandeliers cast eerie blue light across a large open space. A sickly sweet smell mixed with a faint burnt sugar emanated from the far side of the room where the ghost buffet was laid out in all its rotten glory. The blue light and shadows whirled around the white shimmery ghosts dancing above the ballroom floor. Ghosts from vastly different eras of time waltzed to the wobbly music. Ancient Roman soldiers dipped Victorian maidens. A Dark Age priest twirled around a flapper. Two knights in full plate armor waltzed. A wild ancient looking woman dressed in furs twirled by herself ignoring the music entirely. It was beautiful and chilling. And not just metaphorically, this many ghosts together made the room feel like stepping into a walk-in freezer.

“We should spread out and mingle?” I suggested.

Everyone agreed and we fanned out. I wandered over to the edge of the dance floor so I could ogle the dancers a little more. The iridescent ghosts overlaid upon each other and reflected the candle light. It really was beautiful, but it also filled me with this faint sadness.

I tore my eyes away and looked around for someone to talk to. I made small talk for a while with a few ghosts, but most of them didn’t seem that interested in talking to me. Eventually, a ghost woman with wild flowing curly hair floated towards me. Her medieval dress would have dragged the floor if it wasn't sinking slightly into it. She seemed as good as anyone else to try to strike up a conversation with.

“Excuse me Miss, I was wondering if--”

“AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” she screamed right in my face.

I jumped back.

“What the hell was that for?” I asked angrily with a hand over my rapidly beating heart.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” she screamed again, smiled, and then serenely floated away.

“You've been wailed on by the Wailing Widow!” A ghost wearing a top hat and wizard robes exclaimed as if I'd just brushed proverbial elbows with a celebrity.

I regarded the top hat wearing ghost. His robes looked like they were trying to evoke the idea of a fancy suit with coattails while still adhering to the standard wizard bath robe esthetic.

“Oh, wow,” I replied and tried to sound impressed that I had just been screamed at for no reason.

“She came all the way down from Kent you know,” Top hat Ghost declared with enthusiasm. He smiled at me. “I am Sir Alfred Blythe. Who might you be? You don't see many live ones at death day parties.”

“I'm Kasey Thompson. My friends and I decided to crash the party. It seemed interesting,” I admitted. I stuck my hands in my pockets. My fingers were starting to get numb from the cold. “Do you know what band is playing?”

“The Singing Sawbones! Quite excellent aren't they?”

“I've never heard anything like them,” I answered honestly. Weird wobbly jangly sounds still emanated from the stage. Does it sound different to a ghost? “The only ghost band I'm familiar with is Siren's Song. Do they ever show up for parties?”

Alfred scratched his chin. “Hmm, I have heard of them but they've never shown up to any parties I’ve been to not even the pirate ghost celebrations.” He straightened his ghostly robe and preened a little. “I get invited to most death day parties you know. I died at a party.” He looked wistful. “It was the best party I’d ever been to. A lady jumped out of a cake. You don’t see that much these days. Witches think jumping out of cakes is below them.”

My eyebrows rose to my hairline. There were pirate ghost parties?! Whoa.

“No one wants to jump out of a cake anymore because the last one bloody well got cooked in it accidently! Would you want to spend eternity with burnt icing in your hair? Poor Gertrude,” a middle aged looking ghost woman commented. The side of her head was caved in with the imprint of a horseshoe. “It is a bit odd Siren’s Song never shows up to parties, isn't it? I saw them when I was alive once. They put on quite the show.”

I tried not to stare at the horseshoe print on her head.

“They could be locked!” What looked like a ghost monk floated next to us and joined the conversation. He wore a rough looking monk robe tied with a rope cord. The top of his head was shaved.

Alfred leaned towards me and whispered, “Here we go again.”

“I was locked once,” The monk intoned mournfully. I realized with a start that the monk's head was on backwards, “It was jolly good at first. After I’d been killed by Vikings… Strong buggers they were and they stole all of the Abbey’s wine! Have I told you the story before? Anyways, I digress. I had such a nice dark, dank, and dreary stone abbey. And then those blasted Muggles partially tore down my old abbey and put that horrid freak building in its place. If only they'd torn it down completely, Then, I would have been free to roam. But no! They kept part of it and called it a “food court”! It was madness! It was full to the brim with Muggles and they all had wheels strapped to their feet and they'd roll around in circles over and over while lights flashed all night. And the music! Banshees have uttered more musical notes!”

Uh, was it a roller skating rink?

“How horrid!” The caved-in woman looked like she might faint even though she was already dead.

“If the Department of Ghost Affairs hadn’t shown up to unlock me eventually, I don’t know what I would have done,” the ghost monk moaned and wiped his dry eyes.

Alfred sighed. “There's no understanding Muggles.”

The ghosts nodded sagely to themselves as if that settled matters. The monk and smooshed head woman floated away. Sir Alfred gave me a small wave, turned around, and started to float away. He had a large carving knife sticking out of his back.

Hold on. I’ve got an idea. It was a long shot but it can’t hurt to ask.

“Um, excuse me?” I called out and Sir Alfred halted. “I'm curious, is there anyone who died from a Goblin Blood Feud here? We just learned about them in class. You seem to have your finger on the pulse of the room.” I winced. “Err metaphysical pulse of the room.”

Sir Alfred ignored my slip of the tongue and looked excited. “Oh yes! I saw Mortimer just a few moments ago! He's the only Goblin Feud Ghost in England you know. You're in for a treat! Hold on just a moment.”

He floated away rapidly and came back a few moments later with.... holy shit.

A ghost covered in piranhas.

Ghostly, still trying to bite him, PIRANHAS.

Chunks of the man were missing and what was still there was covered in small piranhas with razor sharp teeth. Piranhas hung from his ragged robes. Piranhas hung from his wet limp long hair. Piranhas dangled from one intact earlobe. One even hung from the loose skin underneath his right eye. They were all still wriggling.

I stared in horror.

“How did the piranhas become ghosts?” I blurted out after staring for a solid five seconds.

Piranha guy shrugged. “The same way I became a ghost?”

I blinked stupidly at him and then shoved that thought into the now rather crowded corner of my mind reserved for 'magic stuff that doesn't make sense'.

“It’s nice to meet you. My name is Kasey Thompson. I heard you were the victim of a Goblin Blood Feud?” I stared at him awkwardly. “I'd uh, shake your hand but I uh... can't.”

Lame Kasey. Lame.

If he doesn't want to talk about it I suppose he can just float away. There's nothing he can do to me. Piranha guy, however, seemed quite enthused to talk about how he died. I'm sensing a theme here with ghosts.

“Quite alright. It's custom amongst us dearly departed to simply wave.” He waved at me with his right arm. Three fingers were missing. “I'm Mortimer Serralmus. It's a pleasure to meet you Miss,” the ghost introduced himself.

I waved. “Why did the Goblins come after you? And why man-eating fish?”

“Oh, the fish were my doing. They gave me a choice at my “trial”. It was a complete kangaroo court of course. My goblin defense attorney was reading a magazine the whole time.” He shook his head sadly and then seemed to perk up. “But I was given several choices for my demise. Oh they had the usual sorts, beheading, pressing, vivisection, being pulled apart by cave trolls, defenestration... I wasn't even sure what that last one even meant. I thought I'd have a fighting chance with some mere fish!” He flicked the ethereal fish dangling from his eye. “I was wrong.”

I gulped. “What did you do that made the goblins come after you?

Mortimer puffed up proudly. The motion caused the piranha dangling from his eye to bounce. “I stole a bar of Orichalcum.”

“A single bar?!”

Mortimer nodded proudly. “An entire bar! Quite impressive wasn’t it? Not only was I daring, but I was quite the cutting edge alchemist in my day. I was going to break down the alchemical formula and figure out how to create it for myself. Why should goblins have the sole ownership of the most magical element in the world?” He slumped and looked sad. “But they found me before I was able to complete my experiment.”

A single bar... A vault full of gold hidden inside a goblin bank stronghold is much more impressive than a single bar...

A chill ran down my spine that had nothing to do with the cold.

“Did any aurors try to rescue you?” I asked quietly.

Mortimer looked proud again. “The Ministry started a war for me! It was the last Goblin War before all of this ridiculous treaty business got started. They used to call it The Alchemist's War. Named after me you know. Not many ghosts can say they have a war named after them.” He stopped and peered at me. “You wouldn't happen to be a budding alchemist would you? I still remember the information I was able to gather with my initial experiments! I keep trying to tell Albus, but he keeps acting like he's suddenly gone deaf.”

I stepped back cautiously. “Nope, no budding alchemist here. I got to uh, meet up with my friends now. Bye!” I whirled around and booked it across the room before Mortimer could throw horrible forbidden knowledge my way.

I found Oliver and Hermione conversing with a headless horseman near the rotting buffet table. I say “a” headless horseman, because I could see several milling about the room. Wasn’t there some kind of ghostly headless horseman fraternity in the books?

“If what you say is true, this Muggle Washington Irving fellow owes me royalties of some kind,” the headless horseman mused. The hand holding his head bobbed his head back and forth as if he was nodding.

“Petitioning a Muggle court might be difficult for you,” Hermione replied looking very hesitant.

The horse was a ghost too. How do animals become ghosts? It makes no sense... Whoa, hold up. That means the pirate ghost parties could have GHOST PARROTS.

Sweet.

“Hey guys. Did you find out anything?” I asked nodding in greeting at the headless horseman. I got the impression he was perturbed with me that I didn't gasp in horror or anything. At this point, I was becoming literally and figuratively numb. Hermione looked relieved to see me.

“Oh yes, it was quite informative,” Hermione said.

“There are ghost horses!” Oliver enthused.

The headless horseman cackled manically, tossed his head, and then looked at me meaningfully waiting for a reaction.

“Ghost animals are super weird right? Don't you have to make a conscious choice to become a ghost?” I wondered out loud.

“Maybe they’re not actual ghost horses, but just ghost accessories? They must be able to take some things with them or they’d all be floating around naked,” Oliver theorized.

The headless horseman tossed his head and had his horse rear up dramatically. None of us paid him any mind.

Hermione scratched her chin. “That would make sense. I suppose I was wrong about ghosts not being able to play instruments as well. They could play ghost instruments. I saw a ghost looking at a pocket watch earlier.”

Another headless horseman walked over and the two started juggling their heads.

“We can talk about this later. I'm freezing. I saw Luna and Neville over by the band. Let's pick them up and then give Nick our condolences or congratulations or whatever we're supposed to say and get out of here.”

The headless horsemen stopped juggling, glared at us, and walked away in a huff.

“What's their problem?” Oliver wondered out loud.

We walked over next to the stage where the band were taking a break and chatting animatedly with Luna and Neville. The band consisted of two flappers playing the Theremin, a trio of medieval peasants playing metal saws, and one scraggily wizard dressed like a hippy with a tambourine.

“I’m going to get Theremin lessons,” Luna announced without preamble when we approached.

I bet her roommates are going to love that.

“Cool?” I replied because she looked too excited about it for me to discourage her.

Nearly Headless Nick floated nearby and was having a stilted conversation with the Headless Horseman leader guy. He looked like the Ghost of Gaston from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast if he’d been beheaded at the end of the movie. I don’t remember his real name, but I do remember he was an asshole. From Nick’s current expression, Ghost Gaston was in full-on asshole mode. I walked up boldly and interrupted their conversation.

“Great party Nick! We had a really interesting time. Thanks for inviting us!” I exclaimed as enthusiastically as I could.

“Oh I invit--” Nick coughed. “Oh yes! I remember now. The best parties have a variety of people after all. I'm glad to see you had such a wonderful time.”

Headless horseman guy glared at me. Bullies are the same in death as in life I guess.

“I even got wailed on by the Wailing Widow!” I added in because the Horseman guy was annoying me.

Nick gasped and The Headless Horseman guy actually looked jealous.

“You did a wonderful job on the decorations,” Hermione said next to me. She seemed like she was picking up what I was trying to do.

“They were so spooky I nearly peed myself,” Oliver said next to me. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

“The music made me feel like I was dead too,” Neville said with a straight face. He’s come so far. I’m so proud.

“Oh yes. The wackadoodles must have had a wonderful feast with this many blue colored items in one room,” Luna said dreamily.

Everyone looked confused for a moment.

I jumped back into the conversation hurriedly not wanting to drag this out any further with a long explanation of whatever wackadoodles were. “We're freezing. There’s just too many ghosts here. You’re a victim of your own success. We're going to head out. Have a great night, Nick! Bye!”

I power walked out of the party without waiting for his reply. The rest of our groups said their goodbyes quickly to Nick and followed behind me. Everyone else must have been feeling the cold too because we didn’t dawdle. We power walked. I walked with the group to the staircase, said my goodbyes, and then backtracked to the Hufflepuff common room.

The common room still had a smattering of students, but everything was starting to wind down. I stuffed a few snacks into my mouth from the infinite snack table so I wouldn't be too hungry and then walked back to my dorm room. When I got back to the room, my roommates were already asleep. Eloise's head was still steaming. Her black curls had frizzed into a crazy Medusa-esque mass. Susan was snoring softly. Hannah was sideways on her bed.

Quietly, I snuck into the room and walked into the bathroom to get ready to go to sleep. I washed my face and then, on a lark, I sleepily tried summoning my toothbrush to my hand. My toothbrush shot towards my hand. I was so shocked I didn't even try to catch it and it bonked me on the head.

My toothbrush clattered to the floor.

Huh.

I reached down and picked it up. It was encrusted with dust and some kind of mystery goop that had been on the floor.

Ew.

I was tempted to try summoning it again, but decided I'd rather go to sleep on an up note. I finished getting ready to go to sleep, quietly snuck back to my warm bed, and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I dreamed of piranhas.


End file.
